From co-worker to lover to co-worker – do you fit into this scenario? Creating deliberate distance from your ex is a key ingredient in the prescription for recovery. So what do you do when you still have to see them everyday at work? You utilize the unique solutions to combat the unique complications presented when working with an ex. In order to understand the techniques we offer, let’s first address the specific problems.
Problems Unique To Working With An Ex:
Undercover Lovers. Romances that develop at the office are often not made public. For various reasons – company policy, unwritten rules, negative connotations, extramarital status – people keep office relationships under wraps. The issue with any clandestine romance is that the break up is also concealed. Not that you want to send out announcements about your broken heart, but keeping your relationship private denies you the support from friends and co-workers that help you through this difficult time.
Contact Overload. Office relationships often come with lots of emails, texts, ims, and hallway looks. You are in the presence of this person all day and are experiencing the effects of “in sight and in mind”. Going from constant correspondence to normal communication can be grueling.
That Little Something Extra. Regardless of your level of professionalism with one another, when you are dating in the office, you always get a little something extra in your exchanges. Whether it is a wink in the hallway, an email with a smiley, or a special lunch together, there are often veiled signs of affection. After the break up, the extras vanish and this can be difficult to bear.
Mixed Signals. Sometimes the little something extras do not actually disappear as quickly as they should setting in motion a state of confusion. You may still get that special email, but there is no other sign of a reconciliation to come. Mixed signals will keep you in limbo. This neither gets you the relationship you seek with your ex, nor does it allow you to move forward.
TMI. One of the reasons that distance is required for the healing process is that having all the information about your ex such as their reaction to the break up or new dating prospects does not help your recovery. When you work with an ex, you just have too much information about all aspects of their post break-up life.
Give us Hope, Hope, Hope!
There is hope. Many of the issues endured when working with an ex are based on expectations and habits that remain on auto-pilot. We wait for that email and expect the that little something extra. We can’t get them off our mind because they are sitting in front of us. Well, we are going to teach you some methods to get rid of those expectations and habits. Soon your constant thought of walking past his desk or incessant impulse to check for her email will fade. You will build strength and move forward.
Lean heavily. If you fall under the category of a private romance with a private break up, lean heavily on someone outside of work that you can trust. Tell them everything. Use the community here to help you. We are not here to judge, we are here to help.
Change. You’ve probably had the experience of scent or a song triggering a poignant memory of a person or point in time. This is because our mind is like a filing cabinet that efficiently stores memories with certain associations. We have yet to unravel the mystery of all of the triggers; however, we do know that even the most mundane detail can generate an association to your ex – the angle of your computer, the scent of your office, etc. With this in mind, it makes sense to change some details and create fresh associations.
• Rearrange your work space.
• Place your computer in a different spot.
• Change your pictures and knick-knacks.
• Spray an unfamiliar scent in your office.
• Drive a different route to work.
• Walk a different path to your workspace.
• Wear new clothes.
• Talk to different co-workers.
• Mix up your lunch destinations.
Email and other correspondence. Write down how you feel while waiting for his email or after receiving a disappointing text from her. Write it in code (if you have to) and put it on a post-it next to your computer, phone etc. Every time you want to send your ex a message, reference your post-it. If your urge overwhelms you, try the following:
• Write an email. Yes, open a document and each time you want to send them a message, type it into this document. Record the time and the date and write it. Do not send it, just keep the document as a running trail. Review the document after a few weeks – we promise your urges will reduce in quantity.
• Get raisins. If you hit “F5” fifty times an hour to refresh your screen, get a bag of raisins. Each time you want to hit refresh, eat a raisin instead. What you are doing is exhibiting addictive behavior and this technique helps to break it. Don’t not feel bad about it or reinvent the wheel, there are plenty of techniques to kill addictive habits and this is one of them.
Count before answering. It is of utmost importance to maintain your professionalism with your ex during the recovery process. While there may be a fleeting moment of satisfaction from throwing your swinger stapler at his head, we promise you will not feel good in the morning. Before answering any direct or indirect question to your ex, count to ten and ask yourself how your co-worker would respond. Respond in that manner.
Quit. Not your job, the game. Quit the game of sending and receiving inappropriate signals to and from your ex at work. If he or she winks at you in the hall, it is in your control to deny this signal. It is in your control to take a different route to the bathroom and reduce run ins at the office.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. You don’t need to discuss your personal life, nor do you need find out about what your ex is up to. Do not fool yourself into thinking that finding out about his dating life or her weekend plans is providing you closure. Closure comes from within, from working through healing steps. Think of how you act with another colleague that you are not friends with at work – mimic this behavior with your ex.
You can do it. You were a working professional before this relationship and you can continue to be one. A unique challenge has been presented to you in this life. You will conquer it and when you come out on the other side, you will be better, brighter, and stronger.
Do you work with your ex? Perhaps you go to school with them or are still living with them- tell us why it’s hard for you to go cold turkey.
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Well I’ve been trying to “fake it till I make it” and it hasn’t been easy. In fact my “ex” texted me saying I looked upset yesterday and asking me if he’d done anything wrong. He also said he’s a different person than what he was a couple of years ago and that I should be happy for him. He did not admit to anything but I don’t think he realizes the pain he’s inflicted on me. Since I found out about this other girl from spying on him and not hearsay I’ve decided to let this matter go. He is risking a good paying job for this girl because he is also her supervisor; but if he is has good intentions and is happy then I’m going to release my anger and not interfere. I really think he has no malicious intentions just poor judgement. Now it’s up to me to just get over it and live my life. Exposing him at this point will just make me look like a jealous bitch. What’s meant to be is meant to be.
I went out with a guy from work for two years who was, to say the least, a commitmentphobe. He called all the shots, saying he needed lots of space, not introducing me to his friends (though he met mine) etc etc. I would not have tolerated such behaviour, but I went into the relationship on the back of having had major surgery, a bereavement, and my ex-husband leaving me in the space of three months which dented my self-esteem and confidence. I continued to be ‘friends’ with the guy from work after he broke off our relationship, then gradually we became ‘friends with benefits’ – we met outside of work all the time, and he was constantly texting and calling me. At the start of the year, he started not to answer when I rang or to reply to texts. When I challenged him, he said he had met someone on facebook and is totally smitten. After just a few weeks, they have moved things to such a level that he says he can’t ring me or text me as a friend because ‘it wouldn’t be right’. Bear in mind he kept in touch with his old girlfriends when we were together. It is a tiny office and it hurts like mad – he has left a huge hole in my life and doesn’t care. I feel utterly humiliated because I should never have let him get away with half the things he does, and now I can’t even tell him how I feel because he won’t talk to me! Don’t know what the hell to do, but reading stuff on here – at least I am not alone.
@SoSad: At least the new woman in his life is from Facebook and not another co-worker. That’s hardest part. It wouldn’t bother me so much if he was dating someone outside of the office; in fact I would welcome it.But to see him go crazy over an 18 yr old kid at the same office is sickening! Anyway it’s all a learning experience. A big mistake that we make is that we don’t set the guidelines and standars early in these relationships-we let these men treat us like dirt because of our low self-esteem. NEVER let a man continue to touch you if he doesn’t love you or he has broken up with you! SoSad please don’t go back to this guy. I know he’s not talking to you now but as soon as his little Facebook fling breaks up he’ll start calling again. Concentrate on yourself and treat yourself good. Right now Im trying to improve myself and become the best I can be-not for my ex or any other man but for myself. We must demand to be treated like queens because we are!:)
Thanks for the reply, Nikki – some excellent advice and comments in there. Your original post rang bells because, strangely enough my ex also said he had changed. He used to like lots of space, but has moved in with Facebook woman after three weeks – she has kids (he said he never wanted them) – so that’s some change! I will try my best to do what you suggest – I am lucky in that I have very good friends in my life, who all think he has behaved appallingly, but of course they don’t have to work with him! I hope you manage to take your own advice, too
) – as it was so insightful. Thanks again
@SoSad: Thanks for your response-following my own advice will be my test:) It’s so hard especially when there are constant reminders of your ex and his new relationship. Yesterday I saw his request for time off-on his new girlfriend’s birthday. He never took time off for mine. Im still very hurt and very humiliated. When he sends company e-mails his new girlfriend’s name is always first even though she has been at the company for only 7 months. I get attacks of resentment and Im tempted to lash out but I realize it’s just not worth it. I will eventually seek another job but Im trying not to make any rash moves due to my hurt feelings. Im really glad I found this site to hear others who are going through similar circumstances. I really appreciate the good advice and I hope sharing my experiences is helping all of you:)
Good idea not doing anything rash, though it must be awful if the girlfriend works there too. I remembered a couple of books I had, think I need to re-read them and you should read them if you haven’t already – Don’t Call That Man and The Love Trap – can’t remember the authors, but if you want to know I can find out. Just reading the stuff on here makes me realise just how many people go through the same things. Self-esteem is the big deal here, I know that – but it’s not always that easy. You can be on top of your game, good at your job etc – but if you don’t have the self-esteem in your personal life, it’s rubbish. You touched a nerve with the feeling humiliated thing – people say to me that nobody notices these things in an office – but it doesn’t always help!
Dear Sosad and Nikki,
Both of you are wonderful women and I am thankful to God that I joined this website. Very inspiring. I don’t feel alone anymore. Ms. Sosad, I know how you feel. God works in mysterious ways. Let go of this man, who doesn’t believe in God. God will do justice for you and He will give you someone who is worthy of your love. I know how deep the pain is..especially when you gave everything and nothing left for yourself. These men think that they are gods…that nobody will punish them of their evil ways…Yes, they are happy now…it will soon end.
Someday, when you look back, after you moved on..you will be thankful you didn’t end up with him..
cynch
Today wasn’t too bad. I saw the new girlfriend and we both exchange greetings. Mind you she doesn’t know that I know about her and my ex. Their relationship is “secret” just like ours was. The most disturbing thing was looking at this girl today-she looked 16! I know she’s of legal age but today she looked like she just came from a Miley Cyrus concert! What a perv my ex is! Yuck! I don’t know if she realizes he’s slept with several women from the office(they all quit except me) or she may think she’s “the one”(like I thought). I thought I was special and he wouldn’t dump me for the next new girl. Of course that’s exactly what he did but c’mon ruining a teenager’s life is totally immoral. He’s treating her like a queen now but I know it’s just a matter of time before this crashes and burns-it’s gonna be ugly. Yes Im actually lucky not to be attached to this perv!:y
I am the reverse from a man’s perspective. Not working with her thankfully, but going through the same challenges. Waiting for that comforting e-mail, or get together. But she probably has plans riding a fucking Harley into some remote country road. I fell in love with her and she went for a guy who has no intention of commitment. Neither does she. She seems to just be interested in money, time to goof off, no morals, and no kids to take care of. The wild woman’s dream come true. So they have a lot in common. Why I was attracted to this type of woman is a mystery to me. I still have enormous attraction for her. I will follow the advice of the commenter a couple of posts ago. Stay the hell away and don’t even let that person know she has the slightest thought in my brain.
@Phil: Thanks for sharing. It must be even harder for a man in this situation. That’s good that you’re keeping your distance. These exes are egomaniacs who would love nothing more than to think they are keeping us awake at night. We can’t give them that satisfaction:)
I am in Mexico. A friend of a friend is getting married here the day after tomorrow. This was the last place we went together, the most special time together. We talked all night about us when we were here, promised to always be friends despite the fact that we couldn’t be together. It’s where we were when we planned my art, and how to tell the story of Us. That was September. It’s March now, and I’m still working on our story. We haven’t spoken in over 2 months, we don’t make eye contact, we avoid each other as much as possible. Yesterday I wore his shirt to work, the scarf we had sex on the train under, the bracelet we got in Mexico together, (he has one too), and carried the same bag that I got him that he carries every day. I know he noticed. He can see on my schedule that I am in Mexico. I probably shouldn’t have done that, it only made me sad, but I couldn’t NOT do it. I woke up crying this morning. It’s so hard to be here in this tiny romantic town. Everything I see is something I experienced with him. We never even had a fight. Nothing ever even went wrong. Just the time came to try to transition into friendship, and I just couldn’t do it. It’s still so painful for me. He is okay, because he was ready, and he told me he has the ability to shut his emotions off. Really he was just ready to move on, I guess. He’s young, and his life is ahead of him. It’s been 6 months, and I am still sad. I feel like I’m finished with my life now, and that is heartbreaking. It wasn’t worth it. I thought it would be. It’s so hard to be here, it’s so painful. I’m so tired of being sad, and my head hurts so much. I have my sketchbook, and I can’t stop drawing, it’s practically compulsive. I don’t have the piece I’m working on, though, it’s too big to travel with. I’m hoping to make new memories of this place with my friend, but I am really afraid of Saturday, the day of the wedding. I feel like I could have an emotional breakdown.
@Sheldon: Im so sorry that things didn’t work out. One thing is unclear to me-are you living in Mexico or did you go there knowing your ex would be getting married there Saturday? I hope you didn’t go there to follow your to ex. Please don’t try to stay “up-to-datre” to what he’s doing. When we work with these people we’re already surrounded with too much information without even trying. It can be torturous. I know my ex is taking his new girlfriend to California next month and you know what? I HATE IT! But you best believe Im not headed down there during the days I know he’ll be there. Stay strong-we’re here for you.My prayers will be with you. If you have to spend all day on this forum Saturday then do it! Please don’t do anything rash. I know this an extremely difficult time for you but you’re not alone. Let’s hold our heads up and count our blessings-next year this time all this mess will be a distant memory.
Hi,
No, I’m not living in Mexico. I’m here with a friend of a friend to attend a wedding. My ex best friend is not getting married. He is home, at work. I am here without him. It’s only for a few days, but everything reminds me of when I came here with him. What are the chances that someone else is getting married HERE?? It was such a special time for the two of us…I’m so sad.
Sheldon -That must be very tough, to be reminded of all those things you shared. It sounds like you can channel all your feelings into your art – that at least is a good thing. I know that it is a different friend getting married, but nonetheless Nikki gives good advice about trying not to stay up to date with what’s happening, despite it being so difficult to move on. For my part, I found out yesterday that my ex is getting married (having just met that person on Facebook ten weeks ago!) – trying not to let that hurt. I think it is all the more emotional for you because you are attending a wedding. Be strong, you can get through this.
@Sheldon: Wow-what a coincidence! Attend the wedding and celebrate the new couple’s happiness even though you’re still hurting. Make sure you look smashing. Keeping yourself up physically will help you feel better. If you need to cry at some point just kindly excuse yourself and find a private place to do so. When you return from your trip and go back to work and see your ex don’t be rude(even if he’s acting shitty) and dion’t put on a fake smile or smirk. Just be cordial but very clinical and detached like he’s a stranger off the street that you don’t know and neither like or dislike. You can do it. No extra eye-contact either. But your eyes do meet don’t quickly turn away but keep looking but look just above his head like your in deep thought with a neutral expression. This advice applies to you too SoSad. It’s soo hard because we depended on these men so much for our happiness and we miss the phone calls/texts/emails etc. We’ve put them on an mental and emotional pedestal and we must bring them down to size-not will hatred but a release of emotional attachment. When you’re truly over someone do you hate them? No-you don’t feel anbything-love or hate. Of course all of this is not going to happen overbnight; it’s gonna take some time and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel some anxiety right now as I prepare to go to work and face “the lovebirds”. It sucks but every day has gotten better so I know Im on the riught track:)
Again good advice, I like the looking over the head thing, am going to try it on Monday!
) … is hard for you because you have two to face, I only have the one. Have been finding the weekends difficult because of the lack of calls, texts etc – it’s not that I don’t have lots of friends and family, but you are so right about putting someone on a pedestal, and I did – I guess we have all done that haven’t we? And yes we need to topple them …. x
Thank you Nikki and SoSad for responding to my posts. It helps me to feel less alone in this. I will get through it. I opted out of the party tonight, I don’t really know many of the people, just my friend who I came here with, and I just don’t feel like socializing, chatting, or drinking.
One of the guests was on the beach today, very drunk. A young mother walked by with her baby, and she said to me, “look, that was you, you had your daughter when you were beautiful. You were so beautiful, and now she is beautiful”. It sums up how I’ve been feeling these last 6 months exactly. It feels like I lived The Summer I Lived The Rest of My Life, and now it’s over, and so is everything else. I feel like my life is over now. I just can’t shake that feeling. I’ve given up, and I have no optimism. That’s the hardest part, the lack of optimism. No matter what anyone tells me, I just don’t believe them.
I’ll attend the wedding and the reception, I’ll get through it. I don’t think I’ll cry, I’m bitter about weddings, I never liked them, never wanted one. They’re all the same, I’ve worked too many of them. I think they’re annoying, and a waste of money.
I have no energy, can’t seem to have fun. I aplogized to my friend, and told him I’m depressed. He thought it’s because I’m here, and I’m thinking of my ex, but really that was just the catalyst for this lack of optimism that has taken over every part of me. I’m so shut down. I don’t even have the energy to try to THINK there is a way out of this.
I wish I hadn’t met him.
@sheldon : i will pray for you…i feel you and i hope you will have the strenght to move on..I know words are not just enough…keep on writing ..it helps… God bless you.
Dear All, it is pertinent to note that i am a male and going through same emotions as all you ladies, sadly for me, we work in the same office and seated some few meters away from each other. I made one final move to end the pain by considering suicide but that was the day i got jolted like a thunder bolt and some reason came back, enough, i shouldn’t let her invade my memories and privacy any longer. I embarked on drastic measures which has returned a bit of sanity to me, coincidentally all most every thing Nikki advised on her March 13 post was what i embarked on since late December (am sorry i didn’t share it with everyone). I have deleted every sms,(in fact i got me a new gsm) mail, pictures, her phone numbers and every form of memories we had together (though some simply refuse to go away). i maintain an aloof position towards her in the office, i have had cause to be in the office kitchen same time with her for lunch but got out of it unscathed (no discussion initiation).Its kind of a familiar stranger situation.
@ Sheldon, it requires a lot of guts to do what you did by going to Mexico, me thinks its sheer brutality to your healing emotions to visit where you had fun together. Please let go. follow Nikki’s advise. lets us all let go. Someone posted that probably she was ditched due to poor judgement by the guy not out of sheer malice, mine has proven to be so but i have decided to move on, its still not el dorado for me (i have been brooding since Monday over the past) but I making steady progress.
Just treat your selves real good. we will all heal and have fun and laughter again in our lives
@Felix: Thanks for sharing. It must be harder for men in this situation because are told not to cry or show emotion plus the support system is normally not there. Good thing this forum is here:) Well Im here to let everyone know I “backslid” big time. Im very angry with myself for losing self-control and giving into very childish behavior. Now I feel I have to start all over again with my healing. I know you all are wondering what I did and Im here to tell you: Monday night I texted the new girl. I said:”he’s using you”. Of course I texted anonymously but I had no right to do that. Im sure she knew the text came from me and Im sure she told my ex. That’s harassment and I could lose my job for acting so foolishly. Now I really have to try harder to control my emotions. I feel okay now and I had been doing pretty good. I really don’t know what came over me. All of this would be so much easier if wasn’t dating another girl at the office! I don’t understand why he can’t someone outside of the office! I know I have to deal with it and I will but I don’t know how long it will take for me not to feel anything. Im waiting for the day that they announce their engagement and I won’t even flinch! Until then….
@ Nikki,what a comic relief,am still laughing over your txt.you blow hot n cold,well if it made u feel better,ok,but pls don’t condescend that low again.let’s assume mr hot pants made poor judgement,let him be the one to retrace his steps.I feel you as he took on someone else in the office (mine didnt but started getting up close to one guy). Pls shut ur heart down from him n her and move on.am still laughing though…….cheers
@Felix: Glad I was able to make you laugh a little:) If I didn’t have a sense of humor I wouldn’t be able to get through all of this. I know this time next year I won’t even remember these people’s names….is it next year yet?:)
Hello all, Nikki you are a star … you probably did what everyone else wants to do, sot whether it was right or wrong, it strikes a blow for the rest of us. I tried the ‘looking over head’ thing with my ex the other day, and it clearly freaked him out – but it worked for me! Take care, and Felix thanks for your posts too, it’s very comforting in here!!
@SoSad: Thank you so much! Im so glad that my advice worked for you:) Now if I can start following my own advice…(lol). Seriously folks I have to take responsibility for foolish behavior. From the start I knew I was just a “hook-up” and I accepted that. I ended up giving my heart and body to someone who could have cared less. I thought I could handle it and not get hurt. Boy was I wrong! I really can’t imagine the pain all of you may be enduring because it sounds like all of you all’s relationships were at a pretty serious level. At least you all were acknowledged and accepted at some point. He won’t even acknowledge me even though I was at his beckon call and did so much for him. But I do have to accept responsibility for my actions. People do things to us because we allow them to. All of you guys are really great and appreciate being part of this forum-thanks for all the positive feedback and constructive critism.God bless all you guys:)
Hi, I’m in a different kind of situation. I’m in Germany.. In the airforce away from everything comfortable. Well I also had a boyfriend here.. We met while I was in training over a year ago.. We have the same job. I chose to come to Germany becuase I wanted to be with him. I’ve been here almost a year now. And I’ve pretty much lived with him the majority.. Well he starter treating me really bad .. He would ignore me.. Get mad at me for small things.. He was just horrible. But I stayed with him.. Because I loved him and he was my comfort zone here..well things started to get better.. Amazing better. And then just a few days ago he broke up with me. Saying he didn’t want a relationship.. He wanted to be on his own.. Or whatever. I work with him.. And see him all the time.. I’m devastated I feel so lost.. And alone
Im young.. And I’m Germany.. Away from my family and friends.. And I don’t know what to do 
this is the hardest thing iv been through. .. I don’t get him. I have good friends here.. But he was my best friend. Now I feel like.. Worthless and that I made a huge mistake coming here when I could have went to a base thirty minutes from my home. I just need some advice 
things are so hard..
Dear All,my face lights up readn our posts,our near recoveries,set backs,joys n beliefs that we all can be happpy again etc, @sosad glad to know u made him freak out….lol.u sounded relivd,pls kip it up.@ Nikki….glad 2 kno u hv a sense of humor,dis will definitely kip u goin against all odds.@ sheldon,phil,wish u guys all d best. @ Mandy,welcome to our family,we hve all bn there and most of us still yet to get over it.yours is a bit worrisome as its obvious dat you made a romance move more than career justistifications,@ least u followed your heart out of love.you need your support network and loads of advice in adition to huge self control.d guy doesn’t seem to have any atom of affection for you.well you didn’t mention what caused his declining interest in you(hpe it doesn’t turn out to be another air force lady), before you make moves for reconciliation or forging ahead;you ve got to realistically find out your prospects with this chap so you don’t dent your image and self worth the more.Mandy I wish the best love,life and career has to offer and pls know that you have listtening ears and hearts ready to console you on this forum.stay blessed and cheers
Hi everyone:) It seems like forever since been on here but I know it’s only been a couple of days. My heart goes out to you Mandy. I was once in a long-distance relationship and almost relocated to be with my beloved. Thankfully I didn’t because he got another woman pregnant and then married her and went about living his life like I never existed. Is there any way you can come home? Have you exhausted all your options? If you are truly stuck please some type of support group. Don.t let this end your world. Last Friday was my worse day yet. My ex was pulling off in his car going to lunch as I was arriving. He then called me on my cell asking for another co-worker’s(male) number. I know it was just a ruse. Then he asked me to do some data-entry work that normally his new girlfriend would do. When I asked him where his “secretary” was he said she left early and she had made some serious errors last week.He looked really chicken-shit because he knows he’s wrong but he is still my supervisor so I agreed to do the work. I tried to hide my feelings but I was seething. He asks me “We need to talk huh?” but I told him there’s nothing to talk about. He even tried to give me a hug but I pushed him away. He knows goddamn well he’s hurt me. I don’t want to tell him how much he’s hurt me because he doesn’t care about me-he just cares about himself. Now it’s Sunday and Im dreading going to work tomorrow and hoping he calls in sick-or dead:(
Thank you guys so much. I do have friends here.. That are helping but it’s still so hard that I can’t be with my best friends back home. Well this guy I was with.. When we first got together.. Always claimed how much he loved me and wanted to marry me and blah blah. Then I came to Germany.. And things got kinda bad.. Mainly because for some reason I became a little clingy.. And being in germnay really put me out of my element.. So I changed a little. But he also ha done some things that broke my trust and it was so hard to get it back. He broke up with me once.. Devasted me.. Then asked me back a week later. I told him I was far too hurt and scared.. And he was like why I’m not going anywhere. So I trusted him again and got back with him. After that things were amazing.. And i fell so in love with hi again. This guy is dead set on joining special forces after he leaves here. And he always asked me if that wa okay.. And I told himto do what he felt he needed to. And he always told me that he wouldn’t do it f I didn’t want him to. At first. So he trains alot and plans ondoing triathalons while he’s here. Which I fine. Well i started talking about going home with him.. And it was during one o the triathalons. And he was like.. Well just go home alone. And it kind of upset me. But whatever. The next day he broke up with me.. Saying he didn’t want a relationship.. He just wanted to be on his own and able to not have to tell me he’s doing things.. And that he didn’t want a relationship and didn’t want to come home with me. And that was it.. He broke my heart all over again. I love this boy so much. I see him all the time.. He lives in the same dorm with me. I don’t know. He also told me that he only asked me back because he felt bad?!! I think he was just trying to be mean to push me away. Or something. Because the way he was acting after he asked me back makes no sense. He’s hurt me so bad. But .. Maybe this will help you guys.. I’ve decided that this is another step in my life. No matteR how much it hurts..I know one day it will be okay. Maybe not soon.. But eventually it will be. Things come and go in life.. An the things that mean the most.. Will stick around. Everything works out for the best.. And good things fall apart so better ones can fall together. It’s just going to be hard. No doubt about it. Thank you guys again. As for going home.. It’s hard. I have to have money for a plane ticket which are very expensive.. And I have to get leave approved. I am going to look into.
@Mandy: What amazes me is how extremely self-centered these men are. They will pursue their happiness with absolutely no regard to how their decisions will affect other people especially the ones that love them the most. Mandy if you stay in Germany you know you’re putting yourself in a very vulnerable state. Your ex may coming waltzing back next week saying he had a change of heart. What will you do? You’ll take him back Im sure. Then what next? He may dump you again and this time it will hurt more than ever. “Never let the same dog bite you twice”.You need some distance.Too bad family and friends can’t help with that plane ticket.Your ex sees you as an open door he always go to whenever he pleases. If you actually left Germany he would realize there’s no turning back. It would also give you the opportunity to heal. Good luck:)
You’re right. But I would only be able to leave for a few weeks. Then I would hve to come back.. I honestly can’t say that i don’t want to be with him. It’s so so so hard knowing I will be here for the next year with him..i wish I could leave germany for good.. I would totally do it. I wish I knew what to do. I do need to heal and get my self strength back. I used to never let anyboy walk all over me.. I just joinedthe airforce and everything changed. Mainly after I started depending on him for comfort.. And to have something familiar. I wasn’t ready to leave home .. I left right out of highschool hoping to get do something bigger than myself…I’m still young..
19.. I didn’t think things would ever be this hard. I feel like I should talk to him? Tell. Him how I feel? I don’t know if that would give me closure or not =/
@Mandy: Im sorry I didn’t realize you were only 19! That’s actually a good thing because in a couple of years all of this stuff will be a distant memory. I know you love this guy and you know what? Many of us here still love our exes. This too shall pass. Instead pooring your heart out telling this guy how much you love him; write some letters/texts/e-mails expressing just how you love him but DO NOT SEND THEM. The reason I say don’t send them is because this guy already knows how much you love him-he just doesn’t feel the same way. Telling these undeserving fools we love them and need them doesn’t make them love us it just gives them more power over us and that’s not good. Concentrate on yourself and try to make the best of your situation.You’ve got your whole life ahead of you and you have the power to make your future great if you stop depending on him for your happiness:)
@Mandy: Im sorry I didn’t realize you were only 19! That’s actually a good thing because in a couple of years all of this stuff will be a distant memory. I know you love this guy and you know what? Many of us here still love our exes. This too shall pass. Instead of pouring your heart out telling this guy how much you love him; write some letters/texts/e-mails expressing just how you love him but DO NOT SEND THEM. The reason I say don’t send them is because this guy already knows how much you love him-he just doesn’t feel the same way. Telling these undeserving fools we love them and need them doesn’t make them love us it just gives them more power over us and that’s not good. Concentrate on yourself and try to make the best of your situation.You’ve got your whole life ahead of you and you have the power to make your future great if you stop depending on him for your happiness:)
Yes.. You’re he does know I love him already. I honestly felt like i was marked to this guy.. For the time that we’ve been together it’s just been me and him.. I lived with him the whole time I was here. It’s just a big change.. And everything in Germany reminds me of him.. Considering we traveled together and I came here for him. When wil that stop? I’ve never had this serious of a relationship vefor.. And beig together everyday probably killed it. I blame myself alot. Even though I shouldn’t I know. I hate that we have all the same friends.. It’s like I can’t stay away from him unless I don’t ever do anything. And I’m not going to do that.. It’s just taken so much strength to go through each day. This is such a big stepping stone.. Everythings changed it’s like I’m starting over. Thank you for everything..it does help. I woke up this morning crying.. But I read what you guys said and it made me feel better. It’s comforting knwing that you allcare
@ Nikki,u bring some needed humor relief @ times,hoping he calls in sick or dead?…….lol.well forgiveness will go a long way in your healing.mines not my superior,jeez it must be real tough 4 u but I guess you are tougher and will get through.@ mandy quite a young age however this will quicken your maturity.the feeeling of trying to let him know what your are passing through will onl fire him up and the more dirt you get just like nikki postulated and you will feel sorry afterwards.you have got to hold head up high and determine ur future.its kinda weired to be stuck there for one year,wld really luv to see you outta there and start your recovery.cheers
Nikki – can’t believe you said that about calling in sick or dead! That’s wicked, but I used the same phrase myself a couple of weeks ago, and it made me smile!!! Mandy, my heart goes out to you, it’s an incredibly tough situation for you, I do think if you can get away even for a few weeks it will help – change of scenery and be with people who love and care for you. There’s no point saying to ignore him, or don’t care about him – we are all on here for very similar reasons, and if we all had done that we wouldn’t BE here!! But there are some quite useful books you can read on healing and coping, I can give you the names if you like. Please try to stay strong, everyone in here understands … x
I’m trying so hard to just get out with friends.. I took a trip today and it was such a pretty day.. And it was refreshing. It’s har thinking about him all the time though and all the places we’ve been to together. I try to not let it make me somber. I wrote out texts but didn’t send them.. It does help. Just to get what’s on my mind out.. I’m going to do that more often. I’m also concentrating on taking more classes while I’m out here. What sucks is that when I came here .. He told me we would share a car.. And cable and internet and what not. He didn’t want me to have to worry about anything. So I was stuck with nothing. I felt helpless.. But a big step is that I bought a car after he broke up with me the first time.. I feel good about that. He made me totally dependent on him.. Then left me with nothing. Internet is huge for me out here it connects me to home. I still don’t have it.. But I have my iPhone which had iternet on it so that helps. I’m working to start over..I should have never let him have such an advantage over me. One really does learn from every situation. Plane tickets home right now are 1000 so i’m not sure if I’ll be able to go soon.. I’ll have to save up for awhile. But i can do it.
and I would love to have names of books.. Anything to help me change my state of mind right now wouldbe great. You all are such amazing people.. You really have no idea how knwing that you all have been through the same thing makes me feel a little better .. Like I’m not alone 
@Felix and SoSad: I was only joking about the calling in dead:) I would be very upset if any of my co-workers died even his new girlfriend!:) Gotta see the light at the end of the tunel so sometimes I make a semi-tasteless joke:) Mandy we love you & are here for you-keep your head up!:)
@ nikki,I didn’t mean to crucify you about the statement,it made me laugh.I obviously know that we all wouldn’t want that to be the end result.my break up result has made me very cynical,cold,reserved,and very sad so I can understand the very nature of some jokes made though not with any indepth intent.@ mandy you have to take out time and resources for yourself.good enougj you bought a car the last time.your ex must be something else,making you so dependent on him and leaving you in the lurch in no mans land? You sure do need some time off and go through some materials as so sosad suggested.here is woishing you all a wonderful day ahead.lots of luv
@Nikki – echo Felix, wasn’t having a go – it made me laugh, too – we know you didn’t mean it really!
Mandy – if you look in the posts above, you will see the books that I think would help you.
I had to speak to my ex today – his phone was on the desk, with a screensaver of the new girlfriend. Had a bit of a dip because he was a lot younger than me, so naturally she is too – blonde and glamorous. Now feeling like old hag!!
Will get over it some time … but when?!!!
@Mandy: What a coincidence! My ex is a lot younger too and now that he’s seeing someone who’s only 18 makes me feel like crap. Also Im feeling down today because they’re both out of town til Friday. I know I should feel relieved that I don’t have to deal with for a couple of days but Im hurting. He never took me out of town but that’s what happens when you’re just a “booty-call”. I keep telling myself to accept it and move on-Man this sucks! I only work a couple hours today but just knowing they’re having the time of their lives really gets to me! I’ll be saying my prayers and just hope I can overcome this. Their relationship seems pretty serious and they may end up married. Maybe he’s trying to become a better person and not alley cat I used to know.
Yes, Nikki – imagination is your worst enemy in these situations – and the feeling that someone else is getting the benefits of a ‘changed man’ or woman – that really hurts. They will do things for that person that they wouldn’t do for or with you – yes, I get that one totally.
SoSad@: My previous post was you-Im glad you caught that:) I guess Mandy’s on my mind too:) It doesn’t feel good being “the practice girl” but I keep telling myself he didn’t use me intentionally and I have to take responsibility for my own actions-(i.e: I allowed myself to be used) It still hurts like hell! My other co-workers are acting like they don’t know-how could they not know? Thank God for you guys and this forum:)
So I’ve decider that maybe not being with this guy will he okay. I need to learn how to be happy alone.. And grow up I guess.. Learn to be me I suppose. It’s really hard. I “talked” with him and it probably wasn’t the best idea. He’s being a total jerk about everything..like I did something wrong. I don’t understand why he’s being so mean.. It makes me feel like everything is my fault. I realy feel as though I made a huge mistake coming to Germany. I don’t want to feel that.
@Mandy: Don’t talk to this guy! If you have to talk to him at work or talk to him about work-related issues(only time I talk to my ex)that’s different. Please don’t go out of your way to talk to him about personal matters.-cut him off! You’re just making it harder on yourself and annoying him or feeding his ego. I know it’s very hard because you still love this guy. My ex and his new girlfriend managed to get under my skin yesterday at work and they’re out of town! What happened was I sent my ex a company email(the message was totally professional-no smileys/lol’s/or other stuff we used to send).The email was about the data entry work I did for him the other day. I was asking him if he wanted me to make some follow up calls on the customers. Do you know what that jerk did? He forwarded the email to his girlfriend! She in turn sends me an email saying: “Thanks Nikki I can take it from here. I’ll make the calls when I return”. Wtf? I was livid! That email was not meant for her. She’s not my boss. I was very tempted to call my ex right then and there but I didn’t and I won’t. Just gotta let it go…
I work in the same room with him, have to avoid looking at him all day long. He seeing someone only a few years older than my daughter. I feel perpetually old and unattractive. I tried to dress up a little today because I’m so sick of feeling so unattractive, and like all the other days I’ve tried I just feel foolish and silly in heels, like a middle aged woman desperately holding onto being young and sexy, and I feel pathetic.
Going to Mexico helped in the long run. Now I have new memories of that special place, and when I think of it I can think of different things. Unfortunately he was in my dream last night, and I was frantically trying to please him to no avail. I haven’t dreamed of him for awhile, and today I’m haunted.
He chats and laughs with coworkers, and somehow it’s created a divide. Now there are a few people who don’t talk to me/avoid me. I know he doesn’t talk bad about me, it’s not his style, but I also know he doesn’t defend me. They probably think I’m a bitch for not being friendly with him. They just don’t understand. It would have been easy for him to be chatty friendly coworkers because he doesn’t care much about the loss of our friendship, but I care a lot, and I’m sad. I wish I were stronger, because I wish we were friends. I know we could have been, but it’s been months now, and it’s too late. I just wish he would have reached out or something as a friend. But I can’t expect him to read my mind, so I just have to accept the fact that he doesn’t care.
It’s sad.
@sheldon, wat a coincidence,am experiencing same in my office.she is now very chatty and friendly with other guys and ladies.suddenly am being looked upon as one cantankerous fellow.no one seems to know what am passing through or what we had in the past.she had promiswd to respect our past by not disclosing to anyone but she is a lady and might crack up one day.sheldon I expect that your trip should give you a much needed relief. Pls give yourself a treat whenever you feel like.you are as pretty as you believe yourself to be,I used to conserve funds and spend less in order to have enough for her needs.she even expected mt to continue after she damaged my heart,but at a time I halted and started taking real care of myself,got me a black berry,new colognes,apparels,home gym,you name it,other ladies have noticed a change in me and compliments me all the time(well I would have wished its her but I have moved on) pls do not neglect your looks ok. @ nikki,your are really going througj some sorts,imagine the fellow and the cheeky girl anyway I cherish the maturity you displayed.its well ok,let’s all take our hearts to /od only he can heal us.@ mandy,pls don’t get eager for make up talks with him,it will further humiliate and hurt you.the omnious signs of break up are there,what you have left is to take up from where you stopped and move on.look for the advised books and march on.luv you all
@Sheldon: Don’t feel bad-the girl in the office my ex is seeing is two years YOUNGER than my daughter! He’s a younger man too but age was never an issue-at least not with me. I do agree letting the frienship go was the hardest part. He used to call and text me all the time. I admit I made myself too available. Also you could call this guy the “king” of the office. He’s very good-looking with a lot of charm. If I ever “rock the boat” I’ll be the “bitch”. Sheldon you’re not old and pathetic-remember that. Do whatever it takes to make you feel better. These men are made of flesh and blood. You say your ex doesn’t care-I say that about mine too.They’re just extremely self-centered and are able to detach their feelings. We’ve got to put things in perspective: it’s just a job and we need the get a life and interests outside of work. Im trying make some plans right now-taking singing lessons; doing aerobics class; advanced Spanish class. Also making some travel plans. I haven’t done all these things yet but I intend to. Yes I dream about him still but not as often so I know it will fade out. Everyday that passes brings us a step closer to healing.
@Felix: excellent advice! My ex is doing the same thing that you and Sheldon’s ex is doing: being ultra-friendly to others so you can be the office outsider. I don’t believe he’s saying anything bad about me but what these fools don’t realize is body language says it all! People know more than you think.
You’re all so right. I’m better than that.. Talking only makes things worse. I can’t belied he sent that email to his ex.. How immature can a grown man get. I’ve had a lot of time to think.. Being by myself. And I have to realize that.. I’m not Going to be with him and I need to do everything that I can to get over him.. So I’m not miserable. It’s hard.. And it’s going to take time.. And lots of self control and self respect but I can do it.
On another note I think that a woman has the right to feel sexy no
matter what age. All woman are beautiful.. And they deserve to feel that way. My advice is gain some confidence. Confidence is sexier than anything. Even if you have to fake it. Do things to boost your confidence.. Such as buying an outfit that looks and makes you feel great. Go to the gym.. Go sun bathe. All those things give you a small confidence boost. Or get a hair cut!! It makes you feel brand new. A change in yourself does one good. And don’t do it to make your ex want you or feel jealous.. Do it to start re building yourself… Do things for you. If you don’t like something change it.. If you can’t change it.. Change your attitude:) Maya Angelou said that.. I’ve been reading things from her.. She was such a strong woman who I would love to imitate. She also says I can be changed by the things that happen to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it. Amen. I have been broken down.. So far.. That the only thing I can do is wallow in my sorrow.. Or start healing. I chose to heal. I love this boy so much. But i derserve better.. We all do. No one derserve to feel this hurt.. Or alone. But it happens.. An it brings you closer to yourself.. And the ones who are there for you. You people have made me realize so much.. And I always have second thoughts.. But you always bring me straight again.
Hello everyone – strange, but my ex has also started courting favour with other people in the office – it is so weird how this seems to be a consistent pattern! Anyway, my thought for the day – my brilliant friends gave me a wonderful book last year of photos from our holiday with inspiring quotes. Here is one from Helen Keller that was in the book: When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us” x
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