Type of Relationship: Serious Dating
Status: Broken by Distance
He pursued me relentlessly. I agreed to go out with him and fell hard and fast. That had never happened to me before. Since every other boyfriend fell hard and fast for me I expected the same. He didn’t.
It took months for him to admit we were in a relationship. We broke up once. When kept in touch and he apologized and wanted another chance. I gave it to him. He had fallen in love, I’m sure. Absence makes the heart grow…! He was great. We were great. I had visions of our family. He teased about springing a ring on me. Then I got a job offer in Vancouver (we were both living in London, Ontario at the time). He fully supported me, but did not commit to moving. He said he wanted to make sure I liked it before he considered uprooting himself. Well, I did like it. A lot.
I started looking for jobs for him; however, he wasn’t that interested in applying for them. Then, he suddenly received a call from a job I had lovingly pushed him to apply for when I thought I was staying in London. It was an excellent opportunity. He interviewed and was offered the job. I was still supportive. I wanted to be with him long distance rather than not at all. He agreed.
After my first visit home things suddenly changed. I could tell he had withdrawn from me and was very insensitive to my feelings and needs. He ignored me. I had read that sometimes guys need to withdraw to figure out what is important to them, so I tried to give him space.
When he exited his cave a few days later, he ended it. He wouldn’t even try – didn’t want to try. He just said, “I will never move there and if you stay this won’t work.” So I offer to move back. He responds that he doesn’t want to be “that guy” who makes someone make sacrifices for him. So I was shocked.
There were no warning signs that a break up was imminent. We were having difficulties adjusting to the long distance type of relationship (especially with time change), but I never thought it would lead so quickly to a break up. This all happened a week before he was supposed to visit me for TEN DAYS. All my new friends were so excited to meet him. I was embarrassed when I had to tell them he wasn’t coming. It also happened to be the week of my birthday.
It’s also difficult living in a new city going through this without my support network. That makes the break up even harder to handle. My adjustment period (new job, new city) wasn’t over and now I have even more adjustments on my plate.
I am just trying to remember that the weaknesses in our relationship were magnified by the distance. If it wasn’t going to last, this was the quickest way to find out. I could have wasted another year or two or ?? and been in the same place.
I am secretly hoping that he flies out here and asks forgiveness, so that I can tell him to turn around. I don’t think I could take him back because my heart would never trust him again knowing how much pain he is capable of causing. I also know I won’t move on until I admit it’s over.
Before I read your newest article on going cold turkey, I had already completely cut off communication. I feel like he doesn’t deserve to hear how I am doing or feeling anymore. It only causes more pain and keeps the wound open. I would highly recommend this to all recent ‘victims!’
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Maybe the distance did not magnify the weakness in you all’s relationship. Maybe the relationship was weak from the beginning. Maybe you had a weak minded man, and his weakness magnified. There are so many manifestations that appeared after you took the job in a different area. The main one, your ex was not interested in compromising with you. He has a problem with (committment, dedication, and he does not like to be obligated to any woman; very sad).
In my opinion, you should not allow your ex back into your space at all. You should move on, and find you a prince charming. You sound like a well educated individual. So find someone on your level, and not below.
I am tremendously sorry about your loss, but maybe the loss of your ex is actually a good thing.
I feel your pain, and living it myself right now.
It’s hard to look at things objectively with a broken heart, too many feelings are crowding the mind that once was clear thinking.
Try to step back and see what you want for yourself, and from this man and if he can deliver, now and into the future. Be real about it, and there you will find your answer. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but it will make you a stronger person. One that will be more respected and appreciated when the right person comes along. That person will come, have faith, it just takes time.
Fill the holes of broken heart with things you want to do, hobbies, volunteer, making new friends, learn something new. Options are abundant and it’s just up to you to make those choices to move forward.
I’ve learn that each relationship teaches you something new about yourself and what you want out of life and a partner.
I wish you the best.
SM
I hear your pain. I am in Vancouver and my ex moved a way to go to school. We were together for three years. She said she couldn’t find a place for me in her new life. She fell for someone she went to school with and they have been together ever since.
Wow that really sounded like self pity, lol
I agree with the retreat of a man. He does need time on his own, to think through things clearly. When there is someone else around, these thoughts get disorganized. Since men are generally organized thinkers…meaning they tend to separate things and place them in specific catagories, dealing with one subject at a time. In his process of thinking, he can not do this when others are around.
However, your man had commitment issues. I know this because I am a man and know their tactics well. He never really felt a connection with you, although it is obvious that yopu did.
Again men play the dating game much differently than women. Although contrary to what many women think, men have a harder time getting dates than women. They have fewer choices, and often accept the one that comes along. Meanwhile they are constantly keeping an eye out for the bigger better deal.
I should step back for a moment…not all men are this way. Some, often are very satisfied that they have someone and are greatful for the blessing. But, your man was not this guy, he was the guy that had his eye pealed. I also know that the indecisivness on his part was a way to keep you hanging on just in case things didn’t work out on the other end. I am sorry to say this, but you are better off. If he had stayed, it would’ve eventually ended anyway. You were subject to a man that did not know what he wanted or didn’t really want you.
Best regards,
D.
Your break-up in many ways reminded me of my recent one in regards to the distance. Doesn’t matter what our ages, heart break is, heart break, it hurts. I am 53, my former man friend is 59, pushing 60. It is important to note he is a widower of 6 yrs. as well and struggled with grief off and on the whole time I knew him. I live in Portland and he lives in another city 275 miles from here. We met Sept. 2007 and managed to spend every other weekend together 3-5 days average. I remember asking him after we started dating, if he was ok with grieving his late wife, he said yes. We got along fabulous, much fun, loads of romance, traveled together, never had arguments when together.
I traveled alot for my job, so able to do business trips to his city location on occasion. Our ‘love affair’ as he liked to call it, was on/off/on/off in a span of 21 months. He broke-off with me twice; each time it happened in the Spring. (his wife died mid June after a long illness) First time was early March 2008 and after a fabulous Valentines week-end to boot. Blew my mind away, absolutely unexpected, no phone call, by a ‘dear jane email’. His excuses were he still had feelings for his former girlfriend who lived in his city. She had contacted him that January wanting to get back together with him. He also said he still had grief from his late wife’s death and was going to embark in therapy and get this taken care of, the grief. About middle last Summer, he started sending me emails and pictures from a European trip he took wth his daughter, then in August sent me email he was going to a grief healing retreat for 7 days. End of August, he sent me email asking me if I would have lunch or meet him at Portland airport on a Sunday (he was flying to Oregon with his daughter) so he and I could talk. At first I said ‘no’, but I still had feeling for the man, then said ok we could meet to talk. We talked for 3 hours, he talked mostly about his grief healing and the mistake he made seeing his former girlfriend last Summer. He asked if we could start seeing each other again and would I please forgive him. So I said ok, I extended him forgiveness. There we were, back to fabulous, romantic every other weekends, Las Vegas weekend, beach weekend, long weekend at my house, etc. About February he started complaining about the distance and how remorse he became when I took him to the airport late Sunday or Monday mornings. The days between phone calls during the week became longer ?? He also started complaining that my job, all the travel, prevented me from having ‘balance’ in my life?? what. Quickly to this email end, his daughter asked us to come to Texas Easter weekend to spent it with her & new husband. We did, had a great time all together, a total of 7 days together. A day after I returned back to Portland, he started the ‘dear jane’ emails, saying he needed 2 weeks to think about us, the 2 weeks turned into a month, May 4th, I got the real ‘dear jane’ email he was ‘stepping back and to get this worked our once and for all.’ After the 2nd break off, his 23 y/o daughter (only child) emailed me her disappointment and told me I was the highest quality lady her dad has dated, he has dated many women in his city. She had hoped I would be ‘part of the family’. By now I had fallen in love, had put my house up for sale last February. He had complained early in the Winter my house was a burden in nurturing the relationship forward. With a committment, I was willing to relocate for us to be together if necessary, one of us had to do so. I know he is seeing a ‘relationship psychologist’ every week per his last email. I would never give this man the time of day again in my lifetime.
Dear Lee,
I’m so sorry I wish I could say a magic word to make the pain stop but then if I could do I would be able to wave it over my own head. We had been together 11 years we have a 9 year old daughter- I never thought he would leave me he promised he was not seeing another he promised he would always be there and things were fine with us- this was a lie – he left me 2 weeks ago- he says he needs to take a break- i pray-begg and cry he wil come back – i know it want happen – you can’t make someone want you if they just don’t – i just want the pain to stop.
yeah i can feel all your pain… i just had heart breaking break up coz of distance…. it’s hard coz my heart was so sure he was the one for me.. even though i’m just 20 but what i felt was strong…. all i can do is.. i just have to accept the situation and learn day by day that he was not the one for me. i’m soo sure that God loves me and He will find me a better man… not now…later… oneday… He will surprise me=)
meanwhile i have to think positive and just smile every time i see his name in my facebook, photos and things that reminds me of him.. so crazy but i know my heart will get better=D