Type of Relationship: Complicated
Status: Apart
I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. I’ve known 2 months of bliss this summer, I willingly chose that path thinking that it was better to love than not too. Now I hurt.
We met randomly two months ago at a public event, we saw each other and he smiled so I smiled. One hour later we met again, in a restaurant where I was meeting some friends, a place I never go to. So we talked. He ask for my phone number. He called the next day and I agreed to see him that very day. Well, we spent the whole day together and the whole night, breakfast and everything. It was just magical. We saw each other each day after that for five days in a row. He was on holiday and I freelance. We just had so much to say to each other. I woke up one morning thinking that I had met my ideal. He’s intelligent, successful, well traveled, handsome, fun, cooks well, kind, etc… I felt full of gratitude.
Well… I found out a bit later that day, that he was involved with someone else that had been out of town for a while. Actually she had been out since February – to be treated for cancer. As a matter of fact, she’d been treated for the last five years on and off without ever going into full remission. Needless to say, their intimacy has been non existent in the last two years.
He admitted that he just had wanted a one night stand, and was surprised at the way he felt towards me. Nevertheless he wanted to end it, because he had no intention of leaving or hurting his partner and she was coming back two months later. So he did end it…
He then proceeded to contact me everyday and I just ignored him, until a particularly poignant letter arrived. I answered saying that I was very mad at him for manipulating me by withholding the truth in regards to his unavailability, that he had used me.
He then invited me for dinner to make peace. I went. And then it started again the next day. I willingly agreed this time. We had 2 months in front of us and I thought I might as well love and be loved. I’m 48 years old and I’ve been alone for a long time. We had 2 months of pure joy, bliss. We communicate so well together.
But he feels that he has to stay in this relationship because she’s ill, he’s afraid she’ll die if she finds out. Meanwhile they don’t talk, he doesn’t express that he’s unhappy about not having any sexual relationship with her. He’s lying to himself, to her.I told him to seek professional help, and he did.
I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for me.
I have never been with a man that is unavailable. My father left for another woman and it traumatized me. I’ve been cheated on. So I never wanted to do that to another woman. Now I have. For a few moments of love.
She came back this weekend, I was with him the night before and the morning of. We we talking many times a day prior. Now out of respect for her, not at all.
I’m broken, I’m sad, I miss him terribly and at the same time I’m mad at the situation. I’m mad at him for not being honest with her.
Now I just repeat this saying by Florence Scovell Schinn “If he’s mine I can’t lose him. If he’s not, I don’t want him”
I need help.
Yes! I want to take the 2 minute free heart survey for custom healing advice.
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
we feel almost thesame… I have this friend of mine i consider special. He is very caring and if your a lady you would fall for him like i did. I asked him if where will our relationship will end and he said he only like me as a friend so i cried thinking that I almost gave all for him. I thought, I accepted our situation and my place in his heart but when I saw how he and her girlfriend show affection for each other made my stomach ache and my whole body shiver. I was really glad that I had the control and still show that as if it doesn’t hurt me but deep inside I don’t know what i should feel….anger. hurt. lost. dying. …im at mess… I prayed to God to make me strong and accept what is not mine but that would not be enough because the last move is mine… Now, i am acting as his friend only and if it can be i want him to be out of my sight but i don’t want to be rude to let him leave my place because he is still a friend… I need to be stronger to keep my promise.. I’ll just cross the river if it’s time for him to get marry and leave me with nothing but just the memories….. It’s funny because he just added pain in my heart when he forgot maybe his engagement ring in my room…well, i just smiled but with tears flowing on my cheeks… PRAY THAT’S WHAT I CAN SAY FOR NOW AND MAYBE KEEP YOURSELF MORE BUSY SO AT NIGHT YOU’RE TIRED TO THINK THE PAIN…
You are commiting adultry and need to get out of the relationship. He is probably lying to you and to her. My husband’s mistress told him the same things and we were sleeping together the whole time. He told her we had not been together for three years and it was all lies. It is so wrong what you are doing.
I feel your pain. The problem that you’ve experienced is the same one I have repeated over and over myself: we allow ourselves to get emotionally involved TOO SOON, before the other person really proves themselves to us. Our hearts are open, we are ready willing and able to create a wonderful relationship, and we lead with that, trusting that the other person possesses a good character, worthy of our interest. We really don’t see it coming, that the other person isn’t really interested in US, they are really just interested in gratifying an urge. You are the “drug” they just want to get high off of….not only sexually and emotionally, but your falling for them “validates” them, because they have no real self love within. Well, it takes one to know one, unfortunately. We fall for that because we want the high too. We want to know that someone, somewhere, loves us for who we are.
I hate to say this, my friend, but this guy is a cad. I too have been involved with someone I just adore, and guess what–your list of attributes is exactly the same as mine–intelligent, successful, well traveled etc etc. In my case, just as yours, this man courted my attention and affections, when he too was not available. My relationship also started based on a lie, which also was revealed fairly quickly. When I confronted him just like you did, I got the same response. He charmed his way back into my favor. He has done it over and over–he feels me pulling away, and he reels me back in.
Why do we allow this? I’ll tell you why: there are alot of women like us who have no idea how wonderful we really are, and so we have no defenses for repelling creeps like this. They size us up immediately, they have built-in radar for seeing how good and loving we are and how utterly emotionally defenseless we are. We’re easy pickings for a man like this. These kinds of relationships are based in illusions, ours and his. In fact, if you haven’t met the woman who is ill, I would even wonder if she actually exists. Men like this are capable of any lie to suit their ends, including “realizing how much this hurts you”, “I only want your happiness”, blah blah blah. Look at the situation detaching yourself from it, and you’ll see what I mean.
I know this is hard; I’m going through my own broken-heart with very complicated circumstances. My “friend” even admits freely to me that he has been a complete and utter jerk, but he can’t help himself, he just “loves me so much.” His actions have hurt me to the core, and yet knowing that doesn’t change his behavior one bit. I cannot tell you how devastated I am, or how many times I have recited the same words of F.S. Shinn. It helps us get through it…but I think a few months from now, looking back, we’ll be glad he isn’t ours.
Well, I’m finally waking up, and I hope you do too. I am about your same age (53) and I have finally looked in the mirror to see a beautiful, talented, caring, loving woman smiling back at me. “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as any body in the entire universe, deserves your own love and affection.” (Buddha)
Hi, am a man and have gone through the exact experience. I thought this would never have happened to me but alas, it has. it hurts down to the marrow and my relation behaves exactly as the men in your cases.
I cant eat for a week now and I don’t feel hungry, it feels like my world has crumbled and she doesn’t even feel a thing. She is all so jovial already making out with her so called first love just hours after letting me down.
As it is said, no one knows pain until they know love…and to love, that I cannot risk again. I just want to be able to pull my ass together and move on…am 27, she is 23.
Had to response something, I’m a 22 year old and “my guy”(27 year old not a single parent) pretty much cut me out if his life, after I said thought it would be fair for his girlfriend and his son’s mother to know what has been going on between us. We never slept together since both of us said that’s wrong and yet somehow and for somereason we still fantazied about it. But after I said my opinion out loud, he said few days after that he no longer finds me attarctive, that we are not fit to be together, and that’s that. Nice.
Complicated….well put. I am in a very similar situation. I never dreamed I would be “the other woman” – I wasn’t her…she is that woman who looks at my husband “that” way…I hated her. Then I became her. My husband travels a lot with business and I am lonely most of the time. His wife is completely detached emotionally and they hadn’t been intimate in a couple of years. We were drawn to each other. I emailed him at the beginning that I was “complicated” – we were complicated. But, like you, we spent 2 blissful months in each others lives until he got scared and guilty and told me he couldn’t do this anymore. He couldnt risk losing his family. He loved me, but he couldnt have me. I would have given everything in my life to be with him. I told him I would leave my husband and be with him in a heartbeat, but he has 3 daughters who worship him and though they are grown, he cant bear the thought of falling off the pedastal in their eyes. We tried being “friends” – calling, emailing, texting…but the love is so deep and we soon knew that we couldn’t be friends. I continued to text him last week, until I realized that what he wanted was no contact and to go away and heal. He said he is hurting and that he loves me and thinks about me every day, but he can’t be with me anymore. The hard part is there was never anything negative between us, only passion and love. I have nothing negative to focus on, except that he is not mine to have. My heart is broken and I am in an empty marriage and now have to try to make the best of what I have and not focus on what I can’t have. I feel like I will die if I dont have him in my life. He was the love of my life. He loved me like no one ever has and it became my drug. I am so addicted and now I have to go cold turkey from him. If I text him right now, he will text me right back and I know that. But I have to find some self-control and self-respect. I have to let him go. It takes more self-control than I can imagine having. Each day I get up and breath and hope that I will have the power to not reach out to him.
Knowing that other people are feeling the same way has given me some peace…I was thinking I was crazy and should be fully recovered by now, which I am not…even close. Thank you for sharing here…I need support. I know I deserve to hurt for what I did, but it doesn’t make any of the pain less real.
Maybe the only thing is that time will heal everyone of us.
Does time heal?
By, Deborah Downes
The clock chimes three a.m. as I lie here wide awake,
I wonder how much more pain can my lonely heart take?
They say that time heals all and yet I can’t see,
The minutes pass by and there’s still less of me.
He never meant to cause me such pain,
And yet he rejected me again and again.
I begged him to stay in my life – not to leave,
But now there’s nothing to do, but grieve.
He claimed that he loved me, yet pushed me away,
I wonder how many minutes are in each day.
If time truly heals – how much does it take?
And what time exactly will my heart cease to ache?
How long will I love him, how long till that ends?
My heart has been shattered – will it ever mend?
I still can’t imagine my world without him near,
And now I cant imagine a day with tears.
Typo! and now I can’t imagine a day WITHOUT tears!
When you give yourself time to get over things, you will heal and time will help. I’ve noticed this myself. And hey we all have something common, we still have a chance (new one) to find a good guy for ourselves.
I am in the same boat – unavailable man. What ticked me off about all of this, he lied to me about all of this. When we first met – he told me he was divorced, then later they were separated and then he was still married, BUT was working on getting a divorce. (Yeah, right!) I was tired of dating (btw – I haven’t really dated alot) and was NOT looking for a one night stand – I wanted someone to spend the rest of my life with/to settle down. He knew this – I told him on the first week of meeting him. (I did this as a test, if he ran – then that was ok, wasn’t meant to be. But he if didn’t run, then he was serious also.)
I am mad at myself, cause the minute he lied to me – I should have went my own way. My gut told me this and I didn’t listen. But I was in love – I thought he was my soulmate and we had alot in common. I started to believe he was working on a divorce – cause he would come over to my place all the time. (I thought if she really cared, she would have came looking for him along time ago.) He would talk about us and the future – how it was going to be and what we were going to do after all of it was done. But I would keep on telling him, that I didn’t like the situation he put me in. That I felt bad and it wasn’t right. Still I kept on getting, “I’m working on it (divorce).” Then his wife found out and things went down hill from there. (Still wonder where was she all the times he was out with me?) I know what we were doing was wrong. I have no right – but my stupid heart keeps on getting in the way. I feel like I deserve this pain – I should have left him when i first found out. (What was I thinking – I could never truly trust him. I would question everything he said or did. So, why am I so miserable without him now?)
I was such a mess that I had to go see a therapist – which there is nothing wrong with this. But cause I was so embrassed about his martial status – I couldn’t tell anyone, I was so ashamed.)
Also, I did something very stupid – I loaned him some money. (This was towards the end of the relationship – with the economy, I wanted to help him as much as I could – cause I truly loved him. Yes, he sold me the sad story that he felt bad for asking. I guess not bad enough – cause he has been out of my life for 6 months now and nothing – no talking nor money.) Now, I want the money back…..he’s only made one payment to me – which was a couple of weeks ago.) I think it was only hush money – cause he doesn’t want me to take him to small claims court, but I think I’m going to have. (I would have liked to have handled this outside of court, if possible – I was willing to work with him on making payments.)
Seeing him again, set me back again. I was doing better and now I feel like I am at square one again.
What I am having a vey hard time understanding is – WHY? WHY did he do this to me? He knew what I wanted – I was open and truthful to him. Why do people do this to others? How can it be done and still be able to look at themselves in the mirror? How can they wake up and go on with life like it was nothing?
How dang it!? I am hurting all over again – haven’t I been thru enough?
I guess life just wants to test every one of us, it’s damn insane really. People use other people and still somehow those people can loon at them selves in the mirror in the morning, maybe that’s because they simply do not care.
Its nice to know that other people are going through similar things to me.My boyfriend broke up with me because apparently he didn’t give himself enough time to get over his ex-girlfriend before he met me. He says he needs to sort things out, that his head is messed up and he never meant to hurt me.I am so upset especially because i didn’t see the signs. Basically this means that the guy i fell for was unavailable, because he still hasnt gotten over the ex. The question is if he comes back in 2 weeks/2 months etc should i give him my heart because i felt so comfortable and happy when i was with him or do i move on and try finding someonelse?
I think what hurts the most for us is that each time this happens we lose something else, our confidence, self-esteem, maybe our house and a little piece of our hearts too….
Henn – thanks for your comment. You are so right, I guess just hard for me to understand people not caring. How awful it must be to get up every morning and not being able to care or feel something so real. Even though this hurts so bad, I guess I would rather feel something then nothing at all.
No problem tryingtoheal, I don’t find that easy myself either. Especially when I just learnt this guy got engaged to is wife to be a little time ago. All I have to do is try not to care and focus on my life, because really, what they do in their own lives, doesn’t involve me, has nothing to do with me so why should I care. The only funny thing is that I have to see his face at work for a month now but hey, he didn’t care, so I don’t care, right? !
How are you doing Henn? I know it must be hard to see him at work. I don’t know what is easier – to see them at work or not at all. I have been in both sides and I tell you, it doesn’t matter, it hard. I wish you the best of luck and hope that your doing better
You’re absolutely right, it’s not fun and games nor is it fun.
bumped into him yesterday while working and he treated me like air so I just let the moment pass and continued to work. And how are you? Damn life can be a bitch sometimes, hope not forever though !
Hello, Henn – hope your doing better. What a jerk – I don’t understand why they have to act that way. Good for you for letting the moment passed and continued to work. That had to be so hard.
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I am doing ok – I have my good and bad days. I will be happy when the holiday’s are over. Thank goodness that I still have a job – we will be working during what was suppose to be our shutdown. So, I am kind of glad for that – extra money plus, I won’t be sitting around and start thinking crazy things.
Yes, life can be a bitch sometimes and it’s won’t last forever. Just this bump in the road, it will only make us stronger. (At least that’s what they say!? LOL I’m not there yet. Hopefully soon.
I’m not there yet but getting there and so are you! And great thing about the extra money, you can get something great for yourself
do you happen to use facebook or something? would be nice to write every once in a while over there, let me know!
I had the best day at work yesterday when the rude man wasn’t there.. haha.
i too fell for an unavailable man..the first day i saw him he caught my eye and i took a shine to him..then for a few months later of seeing him twice a week (at training)..we didnt speak too much, jsut on and off, i was shy..then one day he gets my number from my trainer and ask me out.. of course i went..and we spent the next month seeing each other..this was the first guy i could truly say i had not gone off and had fallen for..i played it cool and held back during that month which i suppose now made him want me more..he said the sweetest things..
then after dinner one night he tells me he is married..i was crushed..only married 2 years with a 9 month old baby.. how can a husband do that?? but i kept seeing him..why..i fell head over heels..why and how with someone who isnt a good person.. i hate the fact that im the other woman..im so ashamed but for 2.5 years i couldnt let him go.. every week it was supposed to end.. he told me he loved me and i loved him..i never wanted him to leave his family..as i would like to be resp for that so it was just a matter of letting go..but couldnt for 2.5 years..he also would never have left her..
and as the years went on he seemed to get less caring and nice..the first 6 months telling me how much he loved me..the next year less and the final year when i think back now treated me not very well..how could he do that..if he loved me he would have left me alone..
now i am crushed..i havent had a happy day since or even during those years..i was only happy when i was with him.. he even had a baby during that time..during the time he told me he loved me.. made me feel sick in my stomach..and such a loser for being so pathetic to continue this..i feel worthless and have wanted to die for a long time now.. i love him still very much and know i shouldnt..i know he loves me but he is unavailable..but its me that hurts like crazy as i have noone..but my hurt doesnt seem to register..i pray i dont wake up..and think of ending my life all the time..i feel i dont deserve to be alive..part of what stopped me this last few years is i feared some harm may come to him if i did..so again doing things for him.. anyway i havent seen him in 3 weeks now..it consumes my every thought.. i feel my life is ruined and i will never love again or be married..im 31 and all my friends are getting married.. but i deserve no less being with him..its the price you pay..sometimes im so hurt i feel i cant breathe.
Hello, Henn! How are you doing? I am sorry, I haven’t been on here for awhile. The holidays have been rough – it was rougher then I thought it would be. Plus, I had gotten really sick. I missed one day of work, but I took a vacation that day. But I went back the day after – so I wouldn’t miss anymore work. It took all I had to get up and go into work and then I would go home and crash. But I am feeling better – thank goodness.
Let me tell you the first year anniversary without my “ex” have been rough. I hope and pray that I will do better this year. The thing is – he isn’t worth any of this. My head knows this and it fights with my heart. It’s getting better, but I get ticked when I do slip.
Send me an memo on here and I will give you my e-mail or my IM name and we can chat sometime. Ok?
I hope your doing well and hope to hear from you soon.
) Take care!
Kat – first of all, when you need to chat with someone – know that you send me a memo. Second, I am so sorry that you met someone like him. I don’t know why stuff like this happens – I know that I never deserved it and NEITHER DO YOU.
I hope you take the advice this website offers you – they help. Please find a therapist, if possible. Take it one day at a time. It doesn’t feel like it now, but you will start to heal as time goes on. I am not going to say it’s easy or that it will happen over night – I am still struggling to a point – in March or April, it will be a year. (I don’t can’t remember the date and nor do I want to remember when it all ended with my ex.) I think right now, I am so angry at my “ex”, for putting me thru this pain. Plus, for trying to turn it around on me and make me feel like I was in the wrong. I didn’t lie to him the first night we met, he lied about his status to me and his friends – which he lied to his friends over a year! Why? – I will never know and I will never understand it.
Everything for you is so raw right now…..the best thing to do is to listen to your body. Example: if you feel like crying, then do it. Don’t hold it in, to be strong. (I did this and I ended up paying the price of it – my body ached all over. After I cried, it was a relief and my body didn’t hurt as much.)
Please don’t do anything foolish – he isn’t worth it. Think of yourself and your family – how is it fair would it be to them? I know, I know – but he is all you can think of now…been there and done that. Please talk to a friend or your family. It’s not easy to do this – for me I was so embarrassed to let anyone know his status. Cause what were they going to think of me. But I didn’t get involve with him knowing this to begin with. HE lied to me – just like your ex did to you. These jerks know just what to say and do – to get what they want. I am like you after I found out, should have turn around ran. But I got the story, that he was miserable and was working on the divorce and yadda-yadda. I was hooked on him and he knew it. Why do we believe when they tell us they love us? I don’t know about you, but when i love someone – I would do everything to prevent hurting them. Neither one of our ex’s prevented hurting us – they are only thinking of themselves….that’s not love. I know, some of this is hard to understand, cause it’s all to new – it has taken me awhile to open my eyes and to accept it.
Please take it one day at a time…know that I am here if you need to talk. Know that we care for you on this website – cause we are all going thru pain……different scenarios – but the pain is still all the same.
Take care, Kat!
Hi! Trying to Heal, glad to hear from you! Holidays wans’t the best for me either, the whole month that I was back at my previous job where this guy was, he treated me like I did not exist, now that I think of it, it was so funny actually. He didn’t have the guts to even say a simply “Hello” to me. Can you see my email here or is it protected? I’m not sure. ( I use social media like facebook and msn + my emails on daily basis tell me if you can’t see my mail over)
Kat, don’t give up. I know it sounds lame but you have to live one day at a time – I felt just like you did but I changed, I moved to another city, I had a fresh start and believe me it was not easy but I decided to take it day by day and now I think I may even like my life again. Remember, we’re all in the same boat with similiar situations and this is why this site exists.
Hi, Henna – I tried to find you on this website….I guess, I am doing something wrong. I looked for you under the members, but I don’t see any Henna on there!?
By the way, how have you been?
Hi!
Good to hear from you how have you been?!
Ive been good and I’ve been bad, havent been able to visit the city I left from :s
damn, I’m on facebook so you should try by the name Henna Holtinkoski (my picture s black and white) you can also mail me if you want.l Hope youre ok.
hi there, I’ve been miserable with my ex bf also, we have been on for 3 years, all went so smooth, we never fight we were always happy, he said nobody would ever replace me in his heart, then one fine day we had an argument, and we decided to cool off, the next day I texted him and told him that I dont want to end our relationship, we could still save it, but he ignored it, he ignored all my texts my emails, I even went to his workplace and he acted as if he doesnt know me, it really hurt, what hurts me the most is that after 2 weeks i saw his facebook account and all our photos were erased, they replaced it with their pictures, with the girl who he just met in his work,, it hurt me a lot, then I called him to confront him then he just blurt it out right there and then ” I’m sorry it’s just that I dont love you aymore, I already have a girlfriend and I love her so much” I really couldnt understand what just had happened, it sucks really, after all I know we’ve been really inlove, but why did that thing has to happen??? after a month they broke up, I dont reallt know what happened, but he told me he love me more than he loved that girl but he didnt take any action of having me back… I want to move on I really do but I cant, even though I already have a bf right now I still cry in pain most of the time, the break up happened 1 and a half year ago but it still eats me up, I hate what I’m feeling. For the last time I asked him trough text a few weeks ago, If there’s still a chance of us being together again, if I still have to wait or It’s just the way we should end, he never replied back, I simply want an honest answer but he never gave it to me for me to be able to move forward. I hate myself for feeling this, after all the pain he has caused me I still love him up to now, and I’m still hoping that one day we’ll be together again… I need your help friends… I really do… please pray for my heart and soul to heal, that would be a very big help…. thanks…
Hello, Shatteredlady….
Ref: your ex – that was wrong what he did to you, very wrong. He doesn’t know what “love” is, he has it mixed up with “lust”. It’s obvious, since he and the other girl didn’t last a month?! Let me ask you something, if you really “love” someone – would you do what your ex had done to you? NO – so, dear – I don’t think you realized how blessed you are to get away from him. He sounds like he only cares for himself. Him not responding you – is your answer, only you have to be willing to expect that answer. Don’t beg for him – he isn’t worthy of you. You don’t deserve that – you deserve so much more. You said, you have a boyfriend…..I think you needed to heal before actually getting involved again. He is just a rebound guy and you nor him deserve this. I know it’s hard to be alone and deal with this. Things like this is what makes us. I know you might not like what I said on here…..but believe it or not, I felt the same way about my ex. I wanted him back and I begged and pleaded. I cried everyday and night and I couldn’t eat or sleep. I was lost. He took so much away from me. Then I realized that i am the one who is in control – now, I am not saying this is easy…..but keep on praying, don’t ever stop that. We will pray for you also……remember we are here if you need us.
tnx tryingtoheal for your advice:> after 1 and a half year of the break up and I’m still not over him makes me look so stupid right now… I know I would be able to forget about him but not any soon… hmmm… I gues I really fell in love, I cant seem to forget everything that happened… I still cry almost all the time… I just cant accept that It’s over… He’s now very successful with his life and I guess I dont have any place in his life anymore, and with his other girl, she’s now pregnant and happily married with another guy… I guess they both became successful and happy even though they did me wrong.. sometimes it feels so unfair… I’m just so glad to have found this site knowing that I’m not alone in this miserable journey of mine… I know 1 day we’ll all have the happiness that we deserve… hope to hear from you again… thank you so much :>
Hello, Shatteredlady – first of all, you are taking a big step. Your admitting that after a year and a half that you should be over him. That is a big step – I don’t want you to use the word stupid again. You area wonderful person who deserves so much more then this guy. Do you think you could trust him again? The damage is done and it could never be the same. Going to that place again, it won’t happen. To much has changed – you and him. Plus, dear, you didn’t deal with it after it happen. You just move to a different relationship, hoping it would fill that void and this is what is happening from not dealing with it. (To be honest, if I had someone – I would have done the same thing – replace one with another.) That is why, they say to wait at least a year before moving on. It’s has been just a year for me and you know what – I still hits me every once in awhile. That’s with me working on getting over it. Believe it or not there is light at the end of the tunnel and YOU will get to this point. I KNOW – it doesn’t feel like it, but you have to realize you don’t deserve this and then try to work on YOU. You can do it, I promise you! I need you to do something for me, ok? Stop trying to find out things about him – this will drive you crazy. You will keep on living on the “poor” me and realize how blessed you are to get away from him. If you don’t do this, you won’t be able to move on. When you start thinking this way, stop yourself. Call a friend or family member. Try to do something that will distract you – go for a walk or a run. If you can, go see a therapist. One day you will find REAL love – i know it feels like you found it now. But again, I ask you – if you really love someone, would you treat them like this? Search around on this site and keep on reading the stories – you will realize that your not alone.
Shatteredlady – you are wonderful and don’t you EVER forget that, ok?
Oh how I wish there was another man to hear me out. I seem to be the only man that hath gone through just as much pain as the ladies here. Indeed, I know how deep it hurts and in my case i should say the unavailable woman. It was all love and passion. She couldn’t get enough of me and neither could I. For some reason, I was certain this is what love felt like for I had never felt it before. Slowly but steadily we grew into each other and practically did everything together. Little did I know that she was not over her x as she always seemed to talk of it lightly. 7 monhs down the road, she begins to pull away, ex-communication! Not picking my calls, not responding to my texts, simply not saying a word to me. She started to deny among our friends that i wasn’t her man like the whole idea of us being together disgusted her. She began to resent me like i were a viper. alas I confronted her and sought to find out the truth and to my disappointment, indeed, she told me we just cant be. I pressed to understand what went wrong and she said she luvz me and all but her x had asked her back and that THOUGH HE TREATED HER WRONG AND BROKE HER HEART, WHAT SHE FELT FOR ME WAS NOT EVEN AS CLOSE TO WHAT SHE FELT FOR HIM.!! In that moment, I died. I literally broke down. I thought men always took the trophies in breaking hearts and I hated that notion so I treasured women and vowed to myself never to break anyone’s heart…atleast until I got this side of life. It now is a roller-coaster of pain, low self esteem and failure to understand why someone you treat like a queen only sees you like dirt on her feet. I bargained, I pleaded, i did all there is under the sun to win her back but she daily rubs it in and rejects me. In fact to make it worse, its not her x she returned to, it was another man she was seeing alongside me..its like we were two rebounds competing for one woman…to help me heal, she came over to my work place with him and before entering, they made out in the car for the world to see and she calls me up says hi and says am with someone, don’t ask me who!!!! She is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, yet i love her with all my heart..to this day, i long after her and my life STOPPED
Hello, Jaxon – first of all your not the only man that is going this this. I have a friend that took his break up hard also. He listed the same thing as you – the pain, low self-esteem and he was blind sided by all of this just like you. She isn’t with anyone either, i think she has some personal issues to work on. But my point is – your not alone. Male or female when we are going through the pain – we all feel like NOBODY understand the pain we are going though. You were trying to figure out why she would want to go back to someone that treated her wrong and broke her heart – aren’t you doing the same thing, by wanting to get back with her? She doesn’t deserve you – I know that is the last thing you want to hear. You just want this pain to go away. Thinking that if she came back that all will be fine and dandy. But seriously think about it – do you honestly think it could go back to the way it was? Be honest – all of the pain she caused you and how she treated you. Could you forgive her and never thinking about how she treated you? Could you trust her again? Sounds like to me that how she dealt with her pain from her ex was to start hurting others – like you. That’s not fair, she has no right and sounds like she is still on that path. Do you really want someone like that? One more thing – you said that you vowed to yourself never to break anyone’s heart…..so, why would you want to be with someone that clearly is able to do that to you and anyone else. When you love someone, you treat them the way you want to be treated – with respect and honesty. Please Jaxon, don’t ever settle for less.
tryingtoheal,
Thank you ever so much for the comforting advice. Respect and honesty, I had missed that. I really find her so intoxicating, i think about her every minute, every second and in all I do. It hurts that I never cross her mind. She never says a word to me and the slightest mention of my name seems to disgust her. I still wonder why it is so hard to explain why she had a sudden change of heart, at least if she mentioned, I would live with it and may be become a better person rather than her finding someone who she feels matches her dreams better than I do and she just walks away and leaves me in dark. Am human, but frankly, I do not understand why, because of having soft heart, I have to be the one to sacrifice my happiness. I think for a man, it is foolish to be emotional and even care because you end up being taken for granted..it hurts so bad and yet..she is only but a human being…i really need to detoxify and get her out of my system because apparently, am the greatest mistake she has ever made and the only thing she longs for more than her life is to have me off her radar..she simply treats me with silence like am a burden…even when she dares to respond after 2 weeks, its never in response to my communications just a hi..that sounds like duh, back off! i never knew people had such will power. I pray i cud hate her someday coz am running nuts
i hate myself after 1 and a half year of being abandoned by my bf, I still cry, I heard that he already have a serious relationship right now, why did God let dis happen? Why is it dat my boyriend hu hurt me deeply had a good career, happy realtionship and a happy family,,, how about me? Im left with a shattered soul, broken heart, ruined life, unhappy relationship wid my family and bf, I guess it’s better to hurt people than to get hurt because after all bad people get everything that they want…. Life is just so unfair….. Just want to end dis miserable life of mine… I hate dis…
Oh man first of all Shatterdlady you’ve been through a lot and your bf acted like a fool!
I know myself, and when I totally let my self fall in love with someone, it takes me 1-2 years to get over it. Some say it’s way too long but that’s just who I am.
Jaxon, I think it’s great (dont get me wrong) to get a man perspective too.
You too, have been through hell. But we have this group here which has helped me a lot on my path
helo guys, im so greatful to find out that im not alone, you also feel the same im 21 years old and i had a crush on this gey @school, he gave me the feeling of feeling the same way n so he led me on, until he started going aftre my distance friend they are together now, so he sent me an sms saying”i think this must come to an endcos it doesnt and it will never work,and despite that im not feeling comfortable with it, i tried to force myself but i cnt anymore.”this is so much to swallow he is the cenrte of my universe and we were doing very well. i dont see the reason to carry on. how do i get back on feet it seems like nobody cares i really need people to share my experience with.
futty dear,
no telling how far you had gone with this fella. I learned one thing through this broken heart process. YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN IN REALITY…yes we share with you in your pain, but when you return to your bed, you feel its a bit comforting that someone understands your pain but believe me..it still stings you, not another. That fella, being a man I can tell you does not care even for the simplest part about you. The sooner you accept it the faster you heal. Think of it this way…We have world Cup coming up soon, elections all around the world, etc, etc, so much is going on without the two of you being together, why should your life stop. Actually, my mentor who helped me through this hurt told me this, of the 1.6 billion people in china, how many even know that fella exists?!…its amazing how he is so not important but for the concept in your head! While you are busy missing him, he is making a life, happy without you 100%. He is not worth it. We call them lovers of our lives but you know in reality they are the lovers of your friends, not you. He doesn’t want you, they never do…its those we love the most that need us the least. You will find someone that worships you…forget this ‘piece of junk’…year my dear, you wonder why I call him that, jump out of the cacoon and you will realize no one even notices that he is that special…let go of him, now it hurts but after a while, you will laugh at the experienceJax
Futty: oh man what a scumbag. Seriously, that is not a polite thing to do :\ Do you know if he just lead you on to get in touch with that distant friend? There’s no other way than try to forget all about him, hard I know, believe me I’ve been there many times, but time (and good angry music and cursing lol) helps!
Jaxon that was a great advice! After all the broken hearts I have had by this age (and I’m only 23 soon) I have never ever thought of it this way.
thank you guys, for the advices ill do my best to get over him cos dat the only favour i can do for myself and i think about him least these days, his a “piece of junk” lol jax said so. iknow i can do better than him, i dont know what i see in him anyway that makes me loose control.month end he is coming back from his experiantial training guess i can hold myself tight still.
Futty dear,
Way to go…as soon as he returns, you will still feel like wax next to a fire but dont black out, hold on to the fact that he won’t even care what you feel and nothing you can do or say can change that.
Haha, henn, glad you appreciated my perspective, thank you for helping futty, we kinda need each other that much. Thanks buddies
We surely do!
Hi! How are you all doing? How was your summer been?
I must admit I am a bit of a mess actually, ran into 3 wrong men for me, I’ve been feeling like agony just won’t leave me alone. It’s just not the heartbreak that I have, it’s everything else in my life, parents divorce, mom’s illness, best friends death over 2 years ago. Feels like I am simply but slowly, drowning. Any wise words, ideas?
Oh Henn….one can’t blame you for feeling like this. Girl – I am so sorry that you have so much that your having to deal with all at once. I wish there was something that could make you feel better now. I just know that the only way for you right now is to go up from all of this. Life is funny – sure seems to test us at the weirdest times. Sometimes it seems like all at once – just like what is happening to you. Just know this place is here for you to talk about it – we are here for you.
Hi, Henn….how are you doing?
Hi! I feel a little bit out of place still, but feels good to be living back here where I used to and see my friends. Decided to move back here for a year, probably gonna go see a therapist. Life has definitely not been easy but guess it’s not supposed to be.
I’ve just lost all interest in dating men :\