Has this happened to you?

I was writing a comprehensive report regarding the state of the convention industry post 9/11. Blah blah, I know. Basically, I had to produce an important report at work – here’s an excerpt from the final piece:

…While it is true that convention attendance has shown a decline in Las Vegas with first quarter numbers down 32 percent, hope still exists…hope, what hope?  I’m alone and depressed. I cannot believe that I am in my 30′s and have no one in my life…hope still exists as a sharp upward trend has revealed itself in the second quarter…

My heart had been broken three months prior and every conversation, correspondence, and work related product was still laced with flashbacks of the break up. So, has this happened to you? You’re in the middle of your work day, trying to concentrate, when pangs of fear about the future or a wicked memory from the break-up weave through your daily routine? Managers advise their employees to “check all personal problems at the door and pick them up on the way out.” For many, this would require ripping their heart out and leaving it in the coat closet – it’s just not possible. What is possible, however, is to increase our concentration at work with some simple exercises.

There are existing methods and original methods that we have developed in order to shift your mind from a state of pain back to a laser pointed focus. Increase your concentration with these tools and get any job done at work. If you find yourself unable to function at your fullest potential at work, please know you are not alone – try the exercises below.

The Exercises. First, try a simple method to redirect lost attention by sipping ice cold water while working. This has the effect of calming your nerves and cooling distractions. Another effective tool to increase concentration is to draw a dot on the wall or paper in front of you. After you have drawn your dot, stare at it for at least sixty seconds while taking deep breaths in and out. A third technique is to literally create tunnel vision by cupping your hands around your eyes. This allows focus to be limited to only your screen or whatever is in front of you. (Beware of using this method during meetings or with your boss!)

More Exercises. When you have a rather long project to conquer, try dividing it into smaller sections. For example, with presentations you can aim to complete a minimum number of slides before taking a break. If you find your concentration breaking, push yourself to go at least 2 minutes longer. A similar method is used when you workout and push yourself to do an extra 2-3 reps after your muscles are already exhausted. When you push yourself, it helps augment your overall concentration threshold. In addition to all the exercises above, it is important to track any disruptions in concentration by writing down the time you start a project to until the point you become distracted. Is it every 30 minutes, every 5 minutes, every 30 seconds? Tracking serves the dual purpose of demonstrating progress as well as increasing increments between the distractions themselves. Finally, if you are overwhelmed by distractions, take out a pad and write down your current thoughts while committing to read them and sort through them after work.

Bonus Exercises!! The next two exercises are based on the copyrighted work of Paul Dennison, Ph.D., and Gail Dennison who founded Brain Gym® International.

Brain Buttons - This exercise helps enhance blood flow to the brain in order to “switch on” the whole brain. The increased blood flow facilitates concentration skills required for writing, reading, etc.

•    Open one hand up so that there is as wide a space as possible between the thumb and index finger.
•    Next find the slight indentations below the collar bone on either side of the sternum and place your open hand with your thumb in one indentation and index finger in the other. Begin to press lightly and in a pulsing manner.
•    Simultaneously, put the other hand over the navel area. Gently press on all three points for approximately two minutes.

Cross Crawl - This exercise assists in coordinating the right and left brain by exercising the flow of information between both hemispheres. This workout is great for spelling, listening, writing, reading and comprehension.

•    Stand up or sit down. Put your right hand across your body to your left knee as you raise your left knee. Then do the same thing for the left hand on your right knee – as if you were marching.
•    Continue this exercise for approximately two minutes.

Do you have problems concentrating after your break up? Provide your questions and comments below.

“See if you can reach out and grab this cup in your right hand.”

“What are you feeling now?”

“I feel my fingers clasping the cup.”

“Okay try it again.” (Man pulls cup away)

“Ouch! Why did you do that?”

“Do what?”

“It felt like you ripped the cup right out of my fingers.”*

The explanation

The odd thing about this conversation is that the man who said he felt the cup ripped from his fingers has no fingers. In fact, he has no hand at all. The man is an amputee experiencing a phenomenon called phantom limb pain: the vivid sensation of itching, tingling, and even pain from the empty space where an appendage had once been.

As I was reading this article something hit me. When love is cut out of our life, we experience something similar – a sort of phantom relationship pain. I deliberated whether or not to draw this analogy as someone may be offended by the comparison of losing a limb to losing love. Yet, if you are on this site, you understand that although you’ve lost your partner, you still instinctively turn towards them first. When you don’t find them there, the pain you feel from this missing piece of your heart is quite real.

Phantom limb pain shows us that our mind can create extremely powerful attachments. People no longer have these body parts, but the mind refuses to let them go. Phantom relationship pain reveals that unions of the heart create equal, if not more powerful connections. Although someone has left our life, our hearts often fail to let them go. In fact, the emotional bond developed with someone through love is so potent that, sometimes, it doesn’t dissolve until long after the relationship has ended.

Triggers

Do you have moments where you hear something funny or something that just reminds you of your ex? You reach for the phone when suddenly you realize you can’t do that any more. The person you would normally call in this situation – your person – is out of bounds. Ouch! It’s like someone ripped that cup right out of your fingers.

Pain from the missing relationship in your life may also be triggered by your daily routine. Common triggers include going home after work, when you cook, when you’re getting ready for work, when you’re grocery shopping, when the weekend arrives, and when you climb into bed. These are times and places you had your partner by your side and they now highlight the void in your life. Well, there is hope.

The cure

Vilayanur S. Ramachandran created a mirror box technique for amputee patients where they look into the mirror and make symmetric movements to retrain the brain and significantly reducing phantom pain. At Heal My Broken Heart, we have created a plugging the holes technique to alleviate your phantom relationship pain, reduce your loneliness, and help you move on.

How does it work? You’ll first identify when and where you feel the loneliest, the greatest pain, or the most empty. We call this the HOLE list. You’ll then insert a list of things that will be used to PLUG in those holes. Plugs include items that engross your attention, small things that give you pleasure, and methods to flip your holes on their head. Finally, you will place these plugs into the holes until each void is filled and you can move on.

It’s time to make create your PLUG THE HOLE list. We’ve provided and example below and then a form for you to try it on your own.

Exercise: Create A Plug the Hole List

The Whens
I experience loneliness and pain during these times:

1. HOLE: When I come home to my empty apartment after work.
1. PLUG: Immediately put my favorite Madonna album on so that I’ll sing and probably dance a little.

2. HOLE: When I have Friday/Saturday night plans to fill.
2. PLUG: Make plans to go out with my friends at least one of the nights. For the other, I’ll join that new wine club I researched online. If I am home on my own, I will do something pleasurable like taking a bubble bath.

3. HOLE: When I dress the kids, because he used to do this.
3. PLUG: Dress them in a different order starting with their shirts, then pants. This reverses what my ex used to do with them and creates a new routine that doesn’t constantly remind me of him.

The Wheres
I experience loneliness and pain at these places:

1. HOLE: The park where we used to take evening walks.
1. PLUG: I will call my girlfriend to walk with me in the evenings, take a different route, and bring my ipod.

2. HOLE: The coffee shop where we would get our morning drinks.
2. PLUG: I will try a different coffee shop for a while.

3. HOLE: Everywhere in our apartment and especially the bedroom.
3. PLUG: I will give my apartment and especially my bedroom a makeover. I’ll move the furniture around, change the sheets, and add a plant to start embracing the change.

Extras

Spare PLUGS. Have several spare plugs handy for the unexpected holes that may pop up. These plugs should include hobbies, anything new you want to learn, items of pleasure including watching a sports game, getting your nails done, getting a massage, having your favorite food, etc.

The PLUG BOX! Go above and beyond by creating a plug box. Get a pile of 3×5 index cards or quarter sheets of paper. Write down one plug per card. Find pictures from magazines and paste them on the cards. For example, if one of your plugs is eating a slice of pizza, write “eat pizza” on the card along with pasting or drawing a picture of a delicious slice. Do this for all of your plugs and then put them in a small box. What’s the benefit? When you experience the pain from one of your holes, sometimes it is difficult to come up with a plug that will mend the pain. Now, you can go to your box and just pull one out. This exercise is also cathartic because it uses principles explained in our creative outlet step. Take this step and eliminate your phantom relationship pain for good.

Try it Yourself!

Below is a form where you can create your own PLUG the HOLE list:

Sources:
*Shreeve, James. (1993) Touching the Phantom. Discover Magazine