Step 8: Stomp Out Negative Thoughts
“I will never meet anyone else…”
“I can’t live without this person…”
“This keeps happening, what is wrong with me?”
“I’m not [smart, good, pretty, whatever] enough…”
Sound familiar?
Some psychologists have called the repeating negative voice “the gremlin”. Others describe it as a radio station playing a recurring song of self-limiting beliefs. After a break up, some of us obsess about what happened during the break-up- something he or she said, the place of the break up, the reasons we think it happened. And some of us obsess about ourselves including thoughts about what we look like, what we act like, or something we think is deficient within ourselves.
Recurring negative thoughts embed themselves in our subconscious and no matter how far from the truth they may be, these thoughts become our reality. Luckily, we can change this reality. In fact, in order to move forward from our heartbreak and heartache, we must change this reality. So, take those negative thoughts and stomp them out!
Exercise: Just asking yourself to ‘stop’ the negative thoughts generally is not sufficient enough to make that happen. To change your thinking, write out your recurring, negative thought and then flip it into a more realistic, positive thought. Why does this work? With enough repetition your mind starts referencing the positive thought instead of repeating the negative one. It’s kind of like reprogramming your system to release the negativity. You have the option to use the form below or feel free to use a journal. We recommend doing this step in your journal daily.
Examples: 1) I will never get over this pain – The more likely outcome is that it with effort, this feeling will pass. 2) I will never find anyone like him/her – The more likely outcome is with so many incredible, wonderful people in the world, sooner or later I will find the one.
Tip: Start Positive thoughts with – “The more likely outcome is…” or “That’s not true because…” or “A more accurate way of seeing this is…”
Read and add your own comments below. When you’re ready…
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i got the call from my ex friend on thurs nite, weve been dating for the last 7 months. he feels does not want to date anyone right now……. He said that he was never good with long term relationships. my heart hurts…… dont know what to do…….. cant stop crying
m…I know exactly how you feel and it is the most painful thing in the world. I don’t know what I can say to make things better for you. I am going through the same thing so please know that I will listen and am here if and when u need to talk or need a distraction. please don’t hesitate, you don’t need to do this alone.
N…I just re-read what I wrote here a few days ago. It’s been 5 days since I contacted my ex. I make a ritual of putting flower stickers on my calendar every night to mark another day. I try to stay away from the “if onlys” but if I could do anything over, it would have been not contacting him for the first 6 weeks after our breakup. I literally begged him to talk to me…I found reasons to contact him and that only made things worse. My wisest friend said, “if you love someone, set him free. If he comes back to you, it was meant to be.” I know that my ex will not come back to me but I miss his friendship. But, deep down I know we will never be friends. I read this quote:
“True friendship is a choice you make. Both parties have to buy in on an equal basis. If you have to convince someone to be your friend, the concept of friendship falls apart. Like love, you cannot force it.”
Knowing him, he will never “buy in” because he told me that once he walks away, he never goes back. I just wish I didn’t miss him so much. The weekends are the worst.
rosemary1213…u feel exactly as I do. oh by the way this is N. I only wish it was six weeks in the future. I too realized that I lost my best friend and it absolutely kills my heart. and weekends are definitely the hardest, especially sundays because they were always our day. I’m hangin on by the skin of my teeth right now trying not to call him or email him. I’ve already dialed his number and started an email. I need help to be strong because I can’t do it on my own.
erminthon…I’m so sorry for what happened to you. I know it must hurt but you have to believe it’ll get better. It hurts now and honestly, will hurt for some time. but you have this site. and I’ve been fortunate enough to realize how much it helps. I’m here and willing listen and talk you through it.
you will, but it will take time. you’re stronger than you think! stronger than me, I can’t even seem to leave my room, much less my house. if you’re sad you need to be sad. don’t try to suppress it and ignore it. it’ll just get worse. it’s scary, but tackle your emotions head-on. it’s going to be bad, I can’t lie. all I can say is that you aren’t the only one and it really helps to talk it out. even with a complete stranger (trust me, I know from experience). I’m here and know how you feel. please don’t hesitate.
lol no I actually refuse to be on facebook. I think I’m the only 25 year old on the planet that doesn’t have an account
To Kay
are you still in the same situation? how are you getting on? I’ve been reading through some of your comments and remember how nice it was to get your reply after I wrote on here. You had said your lover wanted to meet up again – how did that go? What has happened since then? I am interested to know truly I am.
My ex-lover has sometimes been very distant and they contacts me saying – you’ve been quiet? The other day he texted me very late at night and said he still thinks and cares about me!! – is he testing me? or teasing me – it is so frustrating to know what is going on in his head. He said he wanted to have a full relationship with someone else and knew I couldn’t offer him that – but even after all this time (3 + half months) I still cry for him and I do so love him – I shall never stop loving him – its absolute agony when I’ve seen him at work and we talk – like anyone else – but it hurts so much. He said that so much was still possible – like a cuddle, or I could visit him – but whenever I catch him on facebook he is in a hurry or busy – its like he pulls me in and then pushes me away – aaagggghhhhh it drives me so crazy!
In reguards to some of the comments I see on here, I have been dating a girl for the past year and half..We have atleast been intimate and even though she tells me and always has been upfront about that, we still developed feeling for one another. She doesn’t love herself and wants to work on her own issues and I can respect that. She has depression and blames it all on growing up as a twin. To be open to everyone since we are going through similar issues I will share something personal. I wasa diagnoised with bipolar but have been well for a while and accomplished alot. Anyhow, a couple months ago she told me she was interested in a guy at drop in center. I think she goes from guy to guy just to build up her self esteem and tear us down sometimes when ready to move on. Anyhow Im getting off the path of what to say. She She told me she did not have feelings for him anymore for weeks now. But that is because she used me for a crutch. I also found out she was messing around with him and me at the same time..So I went to get tested because she did have something and I turned out clean. So anyhow I wanted to stick to my word and noticed she has taken me for granted..ButI took her out to dinner for her birthday and she wasn’t used to being treat well from a guy. At dinner she decided to tell me she likes the guy again and I shold be jealous.
My heart stopped right there or it felt like it did. I just went on with the evening and she said let’s just rent a movie out so we can cuddle. So we did and went back to her place but after ten minutes I got up and decided to leave..TOld her I was tired. SO I got home and in the middle of the night I woke up and decided to call her out of the blue out of hurt and anger Im sure stems from love. I told her Happy Birthday again and the other guy(andy) could have her. She always says F–K you to me if I don’t agree with her so I said it for the hell of it out of anger and not thinking. She asked whyI was doing this and just told her because I don’t want to be hurt anymore. Then I said never to call me again. The truth is I do want her to call and realise she loves and misses me and I am her soulmate but I don’t think that will happen. I will do my best to become a better person from it though and not take this experience to the next relashionship if I do meet someone I want to be with.
We broke up December 12 and then had sex on decmember 20th. In that week I saw like three different versions of her. One where there was hope for us. She said in our talk December 20th that is was perception and was saying the same thing everytime, but I have txts to prove it. She was already in another relationship, and as of today is spending every waking moment with him since the day after we had sex, probablly before obviously, having sex with him without waiting or anything. This hurts so much. She had been flirting with her x husband and this other guy for a month and a half, maybe cheating. This guy and her are now in a full on relationship with her just days after me and her(jill). Has her convinced that they are psycally connected and that he is her angel here to save her and this other girl. To prove it, she told me that he was finishing her sentances at school when she was teaching. Are you kidding me, how could she fall for that ??ANd that Jill(my x) is my angel and her job is to save me and I am supposed to remain platonic-ally in love with her to take care of her and her kids. Now she is mad at me cause I said I was going to beet up this other guy. I am having a hard time not lashing out. I try not to, but I keep doing it. This guy is her student at her hair college. He also told her that when He graduates as her student, he is going to start his own hair college and have her run it. He has all kinds of money ( i dont ) because he got run over by a semi and is still recovering. she has been going out with him everynight with him, leaving her kids at home. He is spending all kinds of money on her. Something I could not do. We lived together. I dont get it. I loved her so and our relationship was great up til a point. When ever she was feeling down, I would buy her roses to lift her spirits, I cleaned the kitchen every night. I left her love notes all the time. I am very poetic and wrote her poems. I really put a lot of myself in this relationship to avoid past mistakes. I am not perfect. and when she would call me out on my imperfections. I would repond by trying to be better. I love her so much and dont understand any of this total turn around that she did on me. I am so lost and alone without her … I really thought she was the one. I am so sad ….. Is she crazy ?? What is going on with her ?? Why did she do this …. ???
lost
I feel the same pain but I know it’ll get better.Hope WE could overcome this soon.
I know what you’re all feeling. My boyfried left me after a year and a half tellinga me that he is confused and that even though he still loved me he can’t be in a relationship at the moment. i found about @(thanks to facebooki) that that same week(we broke up in december) he seeing another girl. Instead of feeling sorry for yourselves you must think positive and realise that they are the ones who are loosing and not us. and stop feeling sorry for yourselves.
I have been married for 13 years, 11 years ago my wife really hurt me. We used to go out with some single friends I made and she paid way more attention to one of my guy friends and used to disappear on the dance floor with him for hours, even slow dance. It cut me like a knife, but I didn’t want to seem jealous so I never said anything. Finally, one day I just exploded and went out and got her and said we are going home. We stopped going out and I have avoided that scene with her ever since. The thing is that she never felt she did anything wrong, and I just am haunted by her insensitivity and these events. Tonight, I just couldn’t sleep for some reason it just pops into my head and I have flashbacks of her with her head on this shoulder embraced on that dance floor and my heart just hurts anew. I have no idea how to leave these feelings behind. I have discussed this with her, and she has admitted that my “friend” was sending signals that he was interested in her and opening the door for an affair.. but of course that doesn’t make it any better. This happened so long ago.. I wish I could just figure out how to put it behind me.
It bother’s me that I’m a guy and feel just asw sensitive as the women on here. I just need someone to chat with via email as a friend. May it be a guy or girl please write me..I’m going through a hard time myself but just don’t know how to type it out or even feel like writing a book on here. It’s way to long for me to write. I’m a 36 yr old male in Michgan..Im not looking to try to pick up anyone here. Just a friend to make that knows the pain I am going through as well as they are.
Chefjp4u@aol.com
Thank you,
Jamie
an ex and i broke up a while ago. i lost my job my truck everything. so no matter what i do i see her face, rather its the clothes i wear my bed furntiure my tv. just everything i see reminds me off her and i cant stop crying i feel like im the only one who knows what im feeling and that im worthless and alone in this world.
I was told he doesn’t feel as much for me as he thinks he should. It was a very wonderful 7 month relationship, ending the weekend after the new year. His actions couldn’t have been more contradictory than his words, which is why it is so heartbreaking. We had fun. I know there is no other woman. Maybe he is a commitment-phobe, even though I never asked for any type of commitment. Idk. It was almost 6 weeks since our last contact. I emailed him a few days ago that I missed him. He emailed me back that he hopes I’m doing well. I’m miserable. I really think I lost someone I am suppose to be with. I go out, I go to work, but nothing brings pleasure anymore. I just go through the motions.
I just found out my bf of two is dating someone else. He always told me I was the one. My heart dropped and I felt so sad and sick. The pain is so strong. I cant stop calling him and texting him. I feel so stupid.
My boyfriend and I broke up last week because he cannot see himself ever getting married or having kids. Then, my father had a serious heart attack two days after we broke up. My ex sent me a text to say he would call me tonight to talk. I was so excited that he was thinking about me, and I wanted to lean on him emotionally and couldnt wait for him to call. But then i remembered that I promised on this website that “Space is Safe” and that I would not talk to him for 30 days.
I texted him back and said ” Please don’t call me. I love talking to you but I’m going through a lot right now. I need some distance for awhile so that I can get better and move on. I’m sorry.”
He just responded “ok”.
I want to cry because I just pushed away my best friend. He was reaching out to me to be supportive about my dad, and I feel like I was a snob to him. I wish he would “fight” for me, and not just be passive and let me walk away from him. I am proud that I had the strength to tell him I need space…. but I am so sad that he will not text or call me anymore.
Hello, it’s been three weeks since last contact from him, even though he left he contacted and remind me of troubles from the past!!! Still, I have not contacted him. I am proud. I miss him terribly and even though I can now be a bit more in control of myself it has affected me more than I though. Sad thing is… I still have hope. My advice: do not contact them. It will hurt more. If they wanted to come back they would have done it or they will, right? I am good and he knows it. We cannot force things. Its muuuch better when love comes natural, well not better but real. Time to be alone, we need to love ourselves. I do not know if all this works but trying to change it and feel better has got to be good.xxx
Remember this website is trying to help with the pain. Do exactly what it says, even though your heart says something different. I feel better already, not 100%, but better. Able to function. Let’s NOT beat ourselves up. Good luck to us all.
After proposing to my beloved fiancé, things are turning for the worst, I have no where to go too. I feel so alone, i feel our relationship torn, and I feel as I have lost the one I thought would be the only true one for me. My heart aches really bad and my eyes feel like they can’t stop running by tears. I know we have to find the strength but after experiencing the love i thought was the real thing it just completely back fired into regret and deep sorrow. It’s moments like these where I don’t understand why I have to give so much but in the end gain so little but then realize I really did have something so huge
I feel like I really need a hug 
I was engaged for a little over 8 months to a single Dad of three. I was close to his entire family and love his children very much. On May 3, 2010, I called him, he had been distant with me and rude for the past two weeks and didn’t speak to me at his 40th Birthday party. He answered the phone and when I asked what was wrong….he said it was too late for us. I asked if he was breaking up with me and he said yes. I’m devasted. I thought we had a strong relationship that no matter what we were going to make it through. It’s almost 30 days. I haven’t called, txt, or emailed- just like the program suggested. He hasn’t made an effort either.
His mom called my mom to apologize for her son and called him an idiot for not knowing what he was doing. His cousin called me to see how I was doing and said that his cousin’s ego had gotten in the way of seeing what a wonderful woman I am. Both made it clear that he has been hanging around bad influences.
I have been confused and not knowing what really happenned. I’m 37 and he is 40 years old, I thought I was in a mature and loving relationship. I opened my heart for the first time in my life and allowed myself to be vulnerable, open and willing to have a harmonious relationship. What in the world happenned? Yesterday, his ex-wife called me at work to tell me her little girl misses me and wants to know if I would be open to having a relationship with her daughter. I’m not ready for that and I feel guilty because it is not that little girls fault what us adults do and the impact our actions have on them. He didn’t let me say good bye to the kids, he asked me to stay away. I respect that and got to see a side of him I never thought I would see. His ex also shared with me he is seeing someone else already and has already introduced her to the kids.
All those feelings of emptiness, nausea, stomach aches, headaches, and just pain came back to me. I’m so dissapointed in him. I still have the engagement ring and money he had deposited into my bank account for our wedding. It’s not even 30 days and he has moved on to someone else. That hurts. Even though, I don’t know if his ex is telling the truth. It hurts…it hurts a lot. It’s hard to stomp negative thoughts when every week someone from his family and circle of friends keeps on contacting me directly and indirectly.
I have been progressing and moving forward with my life thanks to this program, yoga and the wonderful family and friends that I have. I just want this pain to go away and yes, I’m afraid of not finding someone else and not being that happy, optemistic, and positive person that I was when I met him.
I hate people! I wish we could live happily without a partner.
@AnnaNYC, don’t give up on love gal, but love yourself first. Sacrifice everything for love, except your love of yourself if you find yourself loving yourself less because of your love for another its time to move on. That is just my experience talking. Good luck!
I had been married for 23 yrs. what I thought was a good relationship. I had problems getting pregnant we were blessed to have 1 child. At the early age of 33 I had to have a complete hysterectomy everything cut out completely gone. Due to my disease I could not take hormones. Went thru menopause thank God quite easily. When we resumed love making it was not the same for me. I had always been open about sex where as my ex seemed not really willing to talk about it. Years past and so did our sex life. I tried, really tried to make it better, alot of times intercourse hurt, and I honestly believe because of this my ex was turned off by this. He knew I was working on my problem with my gyn, never really asked any questions. Then last May he tells me he is no longer in love with me of course I asked if there was anyone else and he denied it. He wanted me to wait till the end of May to see what he wanted to do. Of course I was devastated beyond belief, I never saw this coming. I searched our bill drawer and sure enough more than 8 hotel charges were listed. When I confronted him on this his reply was Oh you weren’t supposed to find out about that. Here I find out he’d been having a relationship with a woman at work for 6 months before he told me how unhappy he was. It was bad enough to go thru a hysterectomy at such a young age and not feel like a woman, and now this?! Talk about feeling sexually broken, how could anyone want me. This is the toughest for me. I just yearn to be whole again.
Lisa – i know how eas it is to feel like that. My husband who i was with for 18 yrs told me that he didnt love me anymore and more or less insinuated that it was because i wouldnt sleep with him much. Like you I tried, but for a different reason I couldn’t. I had found out about an online affair with my god-daughter he had been having & sometimes when he tried to get close to me i would feel sick. I think it is truly their loss. We wouldnt have treated them like that. In time i believe they will know it was their loss. Like your husband, my husband is now with someone else. Hopefully we will both oneday get the love we deserve. and be appreciated for just being ourselves
I am having negative thoughts that I blew the relationship, I deserved to get broken up with, etc. etc. At least I can see things I did wrong, but because of him, I also can see that I could not help but feel the way I did about some things and they ate away at me over time. He was also dishonest and emotionally abusive to me at times – played games. That is the last thing I need as someone with bipolar disorder with borderline type stuff from my past. I hope I can find someone who is more stable emotionally, themselves, not stingy of spirit, and willing to work with me. I am working hard on myself to prepare for that person. Maybe I will never be OK to be in another relationship. Maybe my ex was wrong that middle aged women can’t meet anyone really due to looks. I am 44 and I look a hell a lot of better than he does at 58.
I hope I will be OK. I hope it is not too late for me.
Jamison – I know you wrote this in January. I am so sorry for all of the pain your going though. I wanted to check up on your status. Are you doing better? Did you really apply these steps and did they help in the end?
Meredith – Thank-you for your positive words….what you say is so true.
Catherine, You are a beautiful, phenominal woman just as you are. You were born that way. Others try to disempower you by feeding you limiting thoughts about who “they think you should be”. It is up to you to decide what you want to feed your heart and soul. Regardless of what you say to yourself you still are beautiful. You only have to embrace it. I have had limiting thoughts as well. I decided to do something about it, little things but it shifted the way I was feeling. I went out with a girlfriend and purchased new make up, cleansers, some sexy tops, not to attract another man but to love me more. I started a raw food diet for ten days, my body feels different, my thinking is more on taking care of myself. My skin looks better! I can’t believe I looked in the mirror and stated today “OMG, I look younger!” I am 47 and people tell me I look 10 years younger. Putting the focus on ourselves is the greatest gift we can give ourselves! Exercise! Do whatever it takes to see how amazing and beautiful you are. DO not buy into limiting thoughts. You are amazing. Let him continue his journey and focus on your unqiue self, talents, skills, and beauty! Your journey will be one filled fun, excitement, love, and joy! You just have to decide to embrace those thoughts. When limiting thoughts hits you get back on this website, call someone that knows how amazing you are, and reinforce the new you that is now emerging. I send you love, peace, and support.
Keep the faith people. We are all here for a reason. We were drawn to this site for a reason. I have a lovely quote that will help “God is closest to those that are broken” and at the moment our hearts are in his hands”. I have found spiritual healing to get me over my heartache. I gave all my burdens, my hurt, my sadness over to him, and just prayed and cried and cried and cried. This helped so much. We are never alone, as we walk through this life. Although we may not think god is with us he is. Why do you think we awake everyday to our pain. It is his way of telling us that if we turn to him, he will show us true love, true happiness and a glorious path to follow. I too know very well what sadness, loneliness, hurt and pain goes with a break up, like most of us on this site. That is why I think God guided me to this page, so I can share with yous how I have coped with my hurt. He has woken me up to the fact that I am not the only one in this world that is going through this. I know some of you may not believe this as you maybe still hurting, but up until today when I found this site, I really do feel much better. I hope to make some friends on this site so that we can share our hurt and pain, but also to be there to encourage you all to get on with life, although easier said then done. Love, peace and happiness to us all. God loves you and so do I.
After 19 years of being married to two men..one loving , caring, kind, hard working man and the other a drunk, mean, verbally abusive, didnt come home some nights,,locked me out of the house in the winter and verbally abused my niece.. Its been 10 weeks since we have spoke,,and I still have these thoughts about getting back together,,I know we cant because he’s not getting any help and I know in my heart all the bad things would just start over,,I wish i had never enabled him for so many years,,who will want a 61 year old broad….ok,,thats where it ends,,I am in great physical shape,,horseback ride, photography , garden and the occasional vial of Botox..hahhaha. Life is going to get better every day,,I just feel it!!
I will find someone as great as him someday. I will feel this kind of connection with someone again. I am good enough for what I deserve. My heart will heal.
I was with the love of my life for four years and engaged for 3 of those years. We moved in together last Halloween. And the middle of August he asked me to move out, he was a little crazy because he has OCPD and long story… I now know he has been seeing someone else and used that incident to get me out. We didn’t see each other for 3 weeks and then he wanted to go to couples counseling but it’s been a “head game.” We’ll get something to eat after a session, have passionate kissing and then the next day, he says he “needs more time.” I know because of Facebook and friends he is with this other woman and it is so very hurtful. I can barely leave my house. (and yes, I had to leave and find a new place to live) I am totally displaced, don’t have many friends because I was so enmeshed and in love with him, I gave up myself – old story. I am divorced 15 years and I thought he was it. I have a lot going for me but all I think of is him.
I need a counter thought to: “He is in love with someone else” What can I say to myself?
thanks everyone and I hope I start feeling better.
CC: Dear CC: You are in the right place to share your hurt and pain. It is a normal feeling to be thinking of him. It is okay to feel the way you do. I have learnt some useful processes on this site. You need to go through the wonderful material on this site to help you to understand why you feel the way you do. What I can suggest to you is that you give him the space he needs. You do not contact him, you do not email him or text him. Yes this is hard to do but you need to do this for yourself. You need to work on yourself. Think about all the good things you did before this man came into your life. If you do not have any friends then you have just made some here on this site. Join the gym, ring your family, ring good samaritans they are always willing to listen. You need to let him go. If he is with another woman don’t bother yourself about it. Accept that and move on. Allow yourself to feel the pain, cry, cry, cry if you have too. Believe me I have been there where you are now, and everyday I get stronger, happier and realise that my relationship with my ex was not a healthy one. So do yourself a favour pick yourself up. Be the beautiful person you are and go do the activities on this site. Repeat them if you have to. I have found my strength and faith in God. Although I am not a religious person. He has walked with me through my pain, suffering and break up. Ask God for his love, and friendship. Believe me he will come to you. It has been over 2 months now since my ex and I have broken up. He has contacted me many times over this 2 months, but I have made it clear that I am happy and single now. Be strong, CC. Walk with your head held high. God and I love you.
Awaroa, Oh my how you spoke what is needed for me at this time. It’s like you are my twin! And I am believing and trusting your words. This has been the most difficult break-up of my life. I had been through a divorce and a couple of relationships but had after 15 years of being single opened myself up completely and was the most “present and truly committed” I had ever been capable of – lots of years of therapy and healing got me to this man. And wouldn’t you know it, he turned out to be not whole – sometimes we only see what we want to see and I also was guilty of “over-looking things” that I shouldn’t have… hindsight is brilliant. So now I am trying to not call write or text and so far it’s been a week. It had been two weeks but then there was a death in the family and he called me and did a lot of head games on me, saying he wanted the past with me, stuff like that but then when it came to me offering to come to his side or go to the funeral, it was the total “shut down” again. Very very crazy making behavior. And all along I’ve continued in couples counseling, separately for now. But I don’t even see why I’m still going. I don’t think he is. I have few friends but the ones I have are amazing. He is in another relationship. They have seen him post himself with his new girlfriend on Facebook. I need to stop even thinking about that stuff. And that is why I posted here because I need one of those stop phrases when I start to think “why is he happy?, why is he with someone else?” I need a counter thought. please help. thanks. and finally, yes, while I am not religious in the traditional sense, I am very spiritual and believe good will come if I stay honest and true to the world.
Well guys I was dumb enough at the age of 58 to get in touch with a guy I knew in England when we were both 10 – I eventually moved to the USA at 25 and he moved to Australia about the same time. I found him on Friends Reunited UK and we skyped (whatever it is) every single day, talked on the phone, met him in England over Xmas 2009, came to Key West for 10 days in March, I get my citizenship and get ready to get my Australian visa (I am now nearly 60!) and he comes up with problems (mainly with his grown children) that I thought were resolved and now it is financial issues with his factory so now he says “don’t come over” – in the meantime I am out $70,000 from property and car loss and hoping he will offer to pay something towards this as I was coming over to marry him. I think he has moved back in with his ex-wife to be because they are like two ships in the night – they ignore one another – it is easy for him but how could he have done this after almost 2 years. To be caught so short of money at nearly 60 is horrible so I am moving back to Florida from my sister’s house in Colorado where I will live with a friend until I find a job and can stand on my own two feet. This relationship is not changing – he will never change his mind – I believe he has already moved back into the old house with her but has said he will said me some money per month for my loss – I bet it isn’t half of $70,000 but something is better than nothing. I wish I could stop crying and feeling sick inside. Never thought this would happen at 60 but I tell you one thing boyfriends and girlfriends I AM going to find someone else.
I fear that my ex will try to disturb the peace that I’m experiencing a week after not seeing or talking to him. He turned off his phone on me and I don’t know where he was staying from last Friday night.. It hurt my heart so much that he wouldn’t talk to me about our break up and give me an answer, but now he’s trying to text, and email me so that I would talk to him. I am at a place right now that I don’nt want the bad feelings to come back so soon and have chosen not to speak with him. I feel he only wants to do this now since it will benefit him. We were supposed to go to a party together and I’m sure that’s one of the reasons for his call. I am strong enough to go to the party (in costume) by myself. I’m secure with it and know I will have a fun time. We do have many things to discuss… finances, children, etc. but I can’t and won’t deal with it only when he wants to discuss. He has always shut me out of his life and doesn’t discuss things with me or talk about daily events. I’ve been living with a stranger for 26 years.
I had contacted my ex 3 weeks after our breakup. Mistake. I realize that my ex would not take me back but just wanted me in her life because I was “useful”. She loved that I did things for her but never love me for me. I refuse to be someones co-dependent. Don’t get me wrong…I’m still hurting and there isn’t a day that goes by that I dont think of her, but I need to continue to live in reality.
I’m looking for some advice or words of encouragement if anyone’s got any. I have been out of the relationship with my ex for about 2 months and a half now and have had little contact with him. He contacted me via gmail chat today, and I feel a bit ill about it because a month ago when we last spoke I was in the ditches again after having healed at least a bit (and had some good days and moments too). I’ve promised my friends (even myself) that I won’t talk to him again until I’m good and ready — but this feels like turning away a part of myself or my child or something. I have to be brave enough to send an email to say “I’m not ready to be friends” but I’m terrified and sad about this. What have others done in this circumstance? Any words of wisdom?
Also, how did you know it was okay to start “dating” or thinking about that again. It’s a twist of fate that I went out with someone for a tea tonight (and was initially really excited), and today is the day that he contacted me ( I haven’t responded by the way). Something the fellow said tonight over tea got me thinking about my ex (Mike) and I’m starting to think I’m just not ready to be even talking to other people, much less dating. Help!!!
Hi Carla,
I’m not sure I can truly advise but I can at least share my similar experience. Sounds like our ex’s broke our hearts about the same time. My fiance of 3 years and together 4, broke our engagement (we were living together) the beginning of September. It’s been a very long 2 1/2 months for me and I actually posted on this very subject a few weeks ago. I have to say the same as you, I was starting to feel like I was beginning to peak my head out of the depression and pain and starting to realize I needed to accept. Especially since he had been and still is seeing someone else. Of course at the time he acted as if there wasn’t anyone else and the problems were with me. But he never truly worked on our relationship, he actually went to counseling twice with me and it was almost a joke because he would say he wants to work on “us.” and then when I drew the line and said I could not continue if he was seeing someone else, he blew up and stormed out. I could go on and on. And believe me this helps me to relate this experience to you. So that was 5 weeks ago when he walked out of the therapist office in a rage. Three weeks later he starts texting, voicemailing, e-mailing several times over a 24 hour period and I like you tried so very hard to avoid. And in fact wrote him an e-mail similar to what you are contemplating stating that “I needed more time with no contact.” Well he wrote me back a scathing e-mail saying o.k. if it’s over (and I hadn’t said that) I want the ring back, I’m going to make life miserable for you, blah, blah. He has anger issues, duh! Then about an hour later writes and apologized (this after I explained that I was only trying to take care of myself). And then he says he misses me, always compares me to his date, thought he was 100% through but is now having doubts and “hasn’t given up on us!” Well being the fragile and hopeless romantic, I bought it and we started texting, talking, etc. For two days it was pretty exciting, of course, he was back east on a business trip so perhaps that gave us both a safety net. But by the time he was back in town, I could tell he had started pulling back, ever so slightly, subtle, but we women know when that is happening. He then tried to play it like “let’s not go too fast,” let’s try to establish a friendship first, all the while constantly talking about the ring and how he should get it back. We’ve not seen each other and the conversations go from sign-offs such as “your friend” to just his “name” to XOXO ??? Crazy-making. And now he lied to me. He told me he is going to a convention in Las Vegas over this 4 day weekend. Problem is the convention doesn’t start until Wednesday??? (I looked on-line) I know through other means that he is going away with this other woman. Do I feel foolish? Getting my hopes up and as you said, feeling in the “ditches” again. I hope my sharing will help you to be stronger than I was. I am now having to step back, once again, and try to move forward. I want to tell him to never contact me again but I still have things at what was my house with him. What to do? Most my stuff is in storage under his house and I’m tempted to just go and get it while he is gone but I don’t want to do anything illegal. Still broken-hearted. But I must say, and I never thought weeks ago I could say this, but I am doing better than I had been.
And Carla my suggestion re “dating” is to perhaps not view it as dates and rather “making new friends.” And in that light, be honest with men and tell them not only for yourself but for them you want to be honest and say you aren’t ready for anything serious, friendship and companionship. And I do think it could help you feel better about yourself. I haven’t even remotely met anyone to do that with and I’m kind of envious to have that good feed-back for your self-esteem.
take care. CC
Hey guys…Been following the site for a while now. I first want to say that anytime for the past 3 weeks I have felt (no words can’t describe but I know you all know how I feel) emptiness. But know reading all your comments and realizing that im not alone makes me feel sooooo much better. Past three weeks have been up one minute feeling like I can make in through this and then next feelings like my world in crumbling. I was def harder for me to let her go than it was for her. But that attitude was the same throughout our entire relationship. EVERYTHING was just ok with her if I walked out pissed if we got into a fight or I got mad for something she did… she just never cared enough to wanna talk about it…I was always the one that had to initiate the convo to try to work a problem out. And then I was made to feel like I was annoying. I never in my life was made to feel so worthless…I started to question my core beliefs…And if I really was the one who messed everything up. It’s kinda a lot but basically I just cared so much more than she ever did. I told her I needed her and her response was I don’t need nobody…If we got into a fight I was always the first one to call back or attempt to work it out. And I would be upset or hurt until things were worked out while she had already made plans with her friends to go the bar and drink or do something else to make me feel I…us…were the last thing on her mind. I tell myself that it simple…she just wasn’t into you as you were with her but I still don’t know why I can’t get her out of my head. In the beginning it was amazing. We lived apart but at time would spend 5 days blocks living together. During one of our arguments towards the end I told her that I missed those time spending so much time together… her response was that was unhealthy and I lost myself…My response was well I felt like it was during those times that I found myself and my meaning. Went to Las Vegas for my birthday Nov 6 and tried to forget about her. Was sitting in one of the most amazing clubs on a roof top depressed unable to get her out of my head. That’s when I realized that I am in big trouble and I need to get this girl out of my head. She called me for my birthday (after we had split) to wish me a happy birthday… was strong…only said thank you and that was the end of the convo…5 hours later rushing to my phone to call her only to get coldness. She told me not to text her call her or email her…and then told me to hang out the phone. Emailed me the following day to ask if I had intended to help pay for her phone bill that was charged while we were still together and she was in Spain and we spoke a bunch of times. Emailed me her account number and said thanks. Ripped my heart of even more (was always going to pay it…was the right and man thing to do…just wish at that moment her head was in other places like our relationship. Anyway paid it and then emailed her saying what sucks is not that I paid it I know I will not here from you. I know this girl isn’t for me. we aren’t compatible… I am caring affectionate and kind and she needs a lot less of all three. But knowing all this why the heck can’t I just forget her…Her birthday is coming up Nov 23 and I don’t know if I should send her a card or something since she called me. I know myself if I send it I will be crushed if I don’t hear anything back and if I do I will be even more crushed is her response is a quick thanks and then bye. Don’t wanna put myself in that situation. At the time same I don’t want her to think I don’t remember or care that it’s her birthday. I never felt so misunderstood by a person the way I did by her. Comments on all or part of my situation will be much appreciated.
John,
Just read your story and I have something to share that has definitely helped me. I read “The Four Agreements” and
the four are as follows:
1. Be Impeccable with Your Word
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
4. Always Do your Best
This has helped (no miracles for the hurt) but it has guided me in my actions, thoughts and words.
And my advice would be to do what feels true to your heart. So for instance, I would send the birthday card because it sounds like you are a true and caring person. The difficult part is to let go of any expectation from her. ANd in fact, even if you did hear a “thank you” or call back, don’t, I repeat do not answer or respond. You’ve done what you wanted to do and that is to remember her birthday. Do nothing more. The hardest thing I have had to do is block all my ex fiance’ calls, block his e-mail, texts, etc. But I know it’s the best thing I can do for myself and not mean, not after waht he did to me. I can walk away knowing I did everything with integrity and then had to protect myself from further hurt. Take Very Good Care.
My first comment was when my boyfriend of 10 yrs wanted to separate. He needed time. Well on wednesday of last week I found text messages. He has a lover and was cheating all along. He had just written a note to me that he was not going to throw away the 10 yrs that we spend together. Then after that letter…. he text his lover and said I love you… can’t wait to be with you. We been separated almost two months. He kept telling me that he loved me and I realized that it was all a lie. Now I have to start dealing with my feelings again because what i was told was not real and now ……I know the truth. I feel like my heart was taken out for the second time.
I found this website a couple of weeks ago and believe that this site offers me a real chance at getting past my heartache. Besides the Step to Heal program I have found it helpful to read everyone’s comments even when they contain sadness or confusion. I can relate, boy can I!
For some reason I have been so self-absorbed by the drama in my life (I’m not kidding, I’ve had to face a lot of adversity this past year) that I couldn’t even fathom there might be someone else on this Earth feeling heartbroken. So – I’ve found that reading the comments posted has been a humbling and learning experience for me. I’m in awe of everyone’s courage and the offer of support I’ve seen over and over.
I’ve had many rough days and nights since the breakup. I never believed it was possible to cry as many tears as I have and I’m looking forward to the day that I finally don’t think about my ex virtually the whole day.
I keep thinking, is she going through what Im going through? Does she feel the hurt, pain and sorrow?
John, your story so much matches mine it is scary. Out of a 16 year unfufilled marriage, I fell deeply in love with a woman (who is also a counselor). She was going through a nasty divorce- we were friends at first, seeing each other from time to time at work, then the gym…she took my breath away, and she told me the same. Although we never lived together either, we did spend 4-5 day blocks with each other. Things were incredible, we fed each other emotionally, physically and spiritually. She would tell me several times through out the day, that I was an incredible man and lover and couldn’t wait until we had our time together again. This lasted about a year. I was on cloud 9, during our nights together, in the middle of a dead sleep, she’d lean over and whisper my name and say “I love you”…she was always touching me, and I her we were a match- I thought. On August of 2010 this seemed to change. She became distant, not so loving, and told me that we both needed time away to heal from our divorces…of course now, I see that she was right. So, reluctantly, I started to give her time…yes it hurt, but the pain was very minor and I could manage. She still said she loved me but needed time to “heal” in order to give herself fully and wholly to me. I agreed. However, I’d get lonely, she’d give in and BAM! right back into this very unhealthy, unstable relationship- But I LOVED her. We again decided to part and give each other time…this time the pain was more intense….but I started going out, having a good time meeting other people and things were on the rise. I was thinking of her less and of me a lot more and actually healing. Yes, I still loved her but we were doing this time away thing for “Us” right? On my birthday she called, and wanted to know how I was doing. She also said she was worried that I was seeing someone else. Just a side note, right now the thought of even dating makes me want to VOMIT!!! I told her now, but Ive reconnected with many of my good friends, some of which were women. Well she said she’d like to get together again. So, like a idiot, I droped my life, to get back with her. This lasted a couple weeks, then she was back to her usual, I need time to figure things out. “Ok” I said, but could we at least be friends? So we decided to have a FWB relationship. That never got off the ground because you cant have a FWB relationship with someone you love deeply. One evening she was shopping, I called and wanted to know if she’d like to meet for dinner. She said that would be great and would head back from the mall in less that two hours….4 and a half hours later, I was worried sick….so uncharacteristic of her to do that. She wouldn’t return phone calls or texts. Finally I texted her sister. Her sister must have either been with her or told her. A few minutes later, she sent a text “im fine. Im shopping. Of course jealousy and assumptions took over so I sent comments to her that were accusatory in nature and to have a great time “shopping” That was on November 15th of this year 2010. Ive been sick, severly depressed and on November 18th considered suicide…if it werent for my wonderful children and a great ex wife as a friend, I would not be writing this. So I went nuclear…..! I checked myself in to a mental hospital for two days…the docs and nurses and counselors were fantastic, and got me on my feet. Yes, I am on medication for depression and anxiety, and yes they help to a degree. But while in that place (which drove me crazy) lOL! They made me decide on what I was going to do? I have a plan and so much more to gain that is lost….my family, friends, three wonder children, a very good job. So Im in counseling, learning new things about myself, becoming active in things that I’ve always wanted to do. And on this website! The combination of all of these things, slowly replaces her. Do I have bad days? Yes, will I move on? Absolutely. Funny thing is, I see this woman at least three times a week, Ive changed gyms, but I still play raquet ball with my buddies at the old gym. Thing is she seems to always know that Im there. And instead of doing other things inthe building, she always seems to hang out in the general area- just to make sure I see her. And you know what, I do see her, and walk right on by without saying a word. That feeling of getting my power back is more amazing that the times we ever had together! So dont give up hope, there are wonderful fantastic women out there. Make a list of the qualities you want in a partner, then make a list of who you want to be…learn from this wonderful website and you will heal!
I’ve fallen off the wagon… by seeking him out again. It’s hard to let go of 15 years, he just won’t take this relationship to the next level. Either he can’t, won’t or doesn’t know how to move it to the next level. In any event, I’m not a young person and it’s time to let go… I’ve gone through this too many times in my life with other relationships.
It’s too painful, to continue be make the same mistakes over and over again.
Thanks to God, I’m back more determine then ever. I know that I will always have feelings for him. But, I also know it’s time to let go and move on.
Love is out there, and when I’m ready, I will find it or it will find me!!!!
It’s so helpful to read all these comments.
I miss him so much. This program is helping, but I miss him. It has been 9 days since I made the promise to not contact him for 30 days. We spoke 2 days before that. He sent me a text on Thanksgiving. I did not respond. It hurts that he hasn’t tried any other contact. I still think of him every day, and I feel like he does not think of me at all. I am working on stomping out the negative thoughts I have, but I cry every night. Someone said many posts ago that weekends are the hardest. . I agree so much. I am not looking forward to the one coming up. . or the holidays. I feel so sad. Facing life without him seems like the hardest thing in the world today.
I have just woken at 4am feeling terrified. I am 55 years old and my marriage of 19 years ended 7 months ago. Surely I should be feeling better by now! I read each step and feel positive but that doesn’t seem to last long. My dread is that at my age I will be alone forever. I have not long become a grandmother, so I am feeling my age! Is there anyone out there feeling the same, or who can offer me some advice?
Debbie,
Although I was not married, I too was am 55 and was in a relationship for the last 15 years relationship. I experience the horrible pain of breaking up and I was the one who broke it off. I wanted more from the relationship, I wanted to take it to the next level. I not a young person, it took a health scare to opened my eyes. It’s hard because we live in the same condo dwelling and I see him every now and then. There are times I can’t sleep at night, I wake up at all hours of the morning, feel sad, angry, lonely, you name it; all these raw emotions just hurting. It will get better you have to believe this. One of the way I’ve dealt with the pain is by going back to my religion. I’m not a church going person, but I do believe in God and the Holy Ghost, and I’ve asked for help in dealing with this painful situation. It’s been a little over a month now… I see him every now and then, and it still hurts. But I know this will eventually hurt less re-read the 15 Steps. I did…several times. I’ve also read Marianne Williamsons’ books and they have also helped me out too. Keep the faith you will not be alone for long…but you need to heal yourself of this pain and move on and not be bitter. One of the hardest thing you MUST DO is forgive him, so that you can move on forward. It’s not easy, I know but it can be done. And do take this time to find yourself; this is the first time in my life I am not in a relationship and that’s scary. But I have forgiven and moved on t live as a single person. It’s a wonderful life…I have two wonderful beautiful daughters, which I love with all heart! Also you mentioned your a grandmother, enjoy your grandchild and don’t even think about your age…change your hair style or even your hair color…change if possible the way you dress and always smile…and from on 55 year old to another… we’ve given so much of ourselves to others and now it’s time to give to you!!
Keep the faith!
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