Step 8: Stomp Out Negative Thoughts

Hi all
Obviousley I am going through what you all are considering that it is 3:33 AM and I am not asleep. The funny thing is that until I had to see him today I was ok. It was like getting my heard broken all over again. Let me give you some background. We dated for almost a year he is 47 and I am 39. When we first met he told me that prior to meeting me he only dated older women who did not have kids at home-well I do they are 14 and 11. He knew this and still continued to date me-not only did he date me but he also gave me a promise ring and my kids adored him.. at first. As time went on he was over at my house often and he was making comments (away from the kids) that I should not have done this, or should not have done that as far as my disciplining of them (hello, I know my own kids and his ideas would not work for them) I told him I appriciated his advice but, I am their mother and I do know what is going to work better for them then he is. Fast forward the clock 6 mo later and according to him (it seems) I was not doing much of anything right (with my kids or life in general) he even went as far as telling me that I had to lock the door when I was in the shower (even in the morning when they were trying to get ready for school and me work) in the past we had a bathroom system that worked well and nobody saw anybody naked, but, that was not good enough and so when he was around.. bathroom door was locked. In June we went on a vacation.. due to his lack of funds I ended up paying for most of the trip-so 1 week and $1500 later we came back. We had discussed prior to trip that he was going to move after the trip since his lease was going to expire and I had been layed off since Feb. Well he moved in and everything changed, he did not help pay the bills and started making more and more rules-my home became a house of egg shells. My oldest son who cracks the door open when he is showing due to the steam (he gets congested easily) was told that he was no longer allowed to do that.. I told him that it was ok that he did as long as there was not company (he is 14 I think he knows when not to do that). So..he went to a coworker and got her opinion on it.. (which was mine) but I was lived that instead of respecting us and following our wishes he had to take a someone else’s advice. I let it go..but as time went on he became increasingly more ajitated about everything.. my 11 year was not even allowed to watch cartoons in the living room. After dealing with all this for over a month I finally exploded and he acted shocked (by this point he had belittled me several times in different areas, called my oldest son names and had a couple of times where he was a little physical with both the boys). After that things went down hill and instead of getting counseling he decided to just bail. I know that I am better off.. I just feel used and deceived.. I really thought he loved me and my kids.. he told me that if I did not have kids it would have worked, then he told me we are not compatable. His timing could not have been worse-I was waiting for my unemployment extension to come through and he was supposed to help me..have my back..and he bailed (I had no income for 2 weeks) after months of providing all the food, paying all the expenses and trying so hard to please him to no avail. I feel like I could have done everything perfect and he still would have found a reason to do this. I am licking my wounds and scratching my head all at the same time…any insight would help the healing process. Thanks

Hi….Tell me how life can change so quickly and completely? I see so many of us are trying to understand and adjust to losing someone we thought was going to always be there. My situation is a bit more complicated I guess…but the broken heart is real. I have been in a loveless marriage for a very long time (we are basically roomates that is all). I have been in a 9 year wonderful relationship with a really good, stable, loving man. We were (are?) best friends too. It has been a long distance one (175 miles apart), but it worked for us. He knew all about my situation at home. 7 weeks ago he came and told me: I can’t do this any more, I just don’t want us. There is nothing I/we can work on but he wants us to be friends. That day turned into an emotional meltdown (well I did)….6 hours of me falling apart as he listened and said little… Anyway…we speak, I write (he reads the emails but says little)..but he tells me he is moving ahead with his life. Very matter of fact. Just 3 weeks before the breakup we were in Niagara Falls have a wonderful romantic time…. Seems he has been unhappy for about a year. (who knew?). I have never been through this before. I have no children or family and few close friends. My world has is so very small now…and I have no real answers to why he made his decision. I went right into therapy (never done that before) and “it is official”…I am grieving…grieving the loss or him/me/us… So here I am stuck and seeing no future and sooner or later he will find another. Anyway….I appreciate the the space to vent…to be with people who understand how hard it is to “appear normal” when life is anything but. Sadness and helplessness is just beneath the surface. By the way…I did find a great book that helped: The Secret of Letting Go…Guy Finley. At least when I read it I get out of “panic mode”…logic settles back in for a bit. Maybe it will help you too. Hopefully the old saying: Time heals old wounds is true. Right now I just have a hard time believing it…

To Wendy:
I’m in a very similar situation to you and my lover has just met someone else and has ended things with me. He was all so keen and encouraging and lead me to believe we would always be lovers – I thought it could go on for years but we did manage 18 months and were very close the previous 18 months. I do have children – they have almost left home and are adults. I am so devastated – I can’t stop going over and over things. It seems he was unhappy with my situation (being married) but it wasn’t a problem to him in the beginning when he was so encouraging me to live for the moment. I find it so hard now when I see him (work) he can just treat me the same as anybody else and doesn’t pop his head round the door to ask if I’m OK – its those little things that can hurt so much. He says now – is it so unreasonable for him to want and enjoy a full relationship with someone? I do understand where he is coming from but it doesn’t stop the hurt I am feeling – he is the one I want and I can’t understand why he no longer wants me (he said I was still dear to him) – just because the new person in his life can give him what he wants more often than I can – is that what love is? I get so much pain in my heart even after 8 weeks – how long will I keep crying? Why can’t I move on? Its not easy at all to play cool, like I don’t care – yet I feel I should be bubbly and chatting and funny as I normally am – so he sees what he is missing – will that help? I so want him back – will he come back to me when he is finished with her? if only I knew? I don’t want to go through this again and I don’t intend seeing anybody else ever – its him and only him that I want.

What you have described is identical behavior to what I was dealing with in my relationship. Undermining my authority with my own, becoming aggressive and more and more intolerant and agitated, especially if I EVER dared get upset. It compromised my relationship with my son, it compromised my self-esteem, and in the end, that was his synopsis of the whole relationship: we just weren’t compatible. I felt like screaming! I encouraged him over and over again to get some counseling to deal with his anger management issues, but as far as he was concerned, no one else out there should tell him how to live his life. He started even undermining my own authority over my own life – checking MY apartment doors to see if they were locked before we left, asking me over and over again if I’d turned my stove and coffee pot off, telling me he didn’t want me walking alone at night (I live in a small town and have ALWAYS felt safe), telling me who I needed to get rid of from my list of friends. I reached a point where I was constantly crying and feeling heartbroken. I’ve never been with anyone who tried to control me that much. It was draining and exhausting. And, the worst part is, I was madly, madly in love with him and still am, even though we’ve been broken up for six weeks. I still beg the universe to send him back to me. I miss his body and his smell and the feeling of him holding me. There are so many layers of different truths to the reality of any relationship. I haven’t forgotten all of the bad, but I hurt like hell remembering all the good.

I hope what I am about to say will help all of you. And I’m sure it’s what you already know in your head, but your heart hasn’t got a brain and it keeps on begging for the comfort of the arms that used to hold it but don’t want it anymore.
I am in exactly the same position as you, however I went through six years of agony after my husband died and then again after I met the man I thought was Mr. Right. He was five years younger than me and I fell hopelessly in love with him, gave him my whole heart forever, and one year later he met another woman at work and broke it off with me and made me feel it was my fault.

He did come back, promising his undying love, saying he would make it up to me if it took him the rest of his life. Well things were wonderful for about three years, he retired, we moved to Dallas and all of a sudden he got kind of mean and controlling, (now he had me away from all my family and friends) and I found I was bending over backwards to please him, but it was rarely possible. Nothing I did was right. I had a feeling he wanted to end it but didn’t want to be the one to pull the trigger and I figured again there was another woman. When I mentioned that to him he went ballistic and put me on a plane home to Canada. That was a year and a half ago.

But again, a few months later he came back, things again were great. Then the same pattern started repeating and he walked out on me Sept 15th and went to Dallas alone. My heart is screaming with pain. Not only that but now I am 66 years old. (He is only 59) and I know underneath it all it is because I am no longer arm candy, I have gained some weight (stopped smoking and hystorectomy) and have many more wrinkles. He hasn’t got a wrinkle. I stuck with him when he had very little money, but now he is rolling in the stuff because his ex died and he gets full pensions. He is tall and handsome and funny and generous and chivalrous and…I could go on and on.

Anyhow, I realized something that is blaring at me, finally after all these broken hearts.
First…He no longer wants to be with me, no matter how much that hurts, it is the truth. I can not make him want me, I can not make him love me, I can not make him come back. I think that is part of the heartbreak, knowing we are so helpless, knowing we have no control over the situation.

Second…I have heard the true meaning of the word “insanity” is “DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT” I am not insane. I must realize that false hopes of him coming back are ridiculous because even if he did come back, he would do the same thing again.

Third…Everyone here including me is saying how wonderful these guys were, but if they had any character at all, they would not have left us. They are good actors. They are good at getting what they want while they want it, but it is really all about them and what they want, not about us, and they are selfish, heartless and cruel without compassion if they could simply walk out on someone who loves them so deeply.

So my head is saying, “What do you want with him anyway? He is a creep. He is a control freak. He is selfish. He is cruel. He is not worth your tears. He is not worth one more minute of your time. Turn it off!!

But my stupid heart is still hurting. So to fix my heart I have to try to do things to make me happy, not him, but me. Now I know I don’t feel like it, but I’ve heard if you are really sad and you only make a smiling face, even though you don’t feel like smiling, that you will start to feel happier. So I am smiling through my tears.

And I decided to try to reach out to other people who are hurting and needy, probably a lot worse than me. That way I can stop feeling sorry for myself and see how well off I really am.

And someday I will be able to smile and know in my heart I was so much better off because he left me. After all, you can’t meet the real Mr. Right if you are with Mr. Wrong.

Good Luck and God Bless you all.

And Mary, you are correct “INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT” My first and 2nd husbands were unavailable for different reasons and now this, I guess hoarding is a kind of addiction, he will grow accustomed to me and his “hobby” is already taking greater and greater importance in his life.

My lover “broke up” with me this weekend. As a married woman, of course I can’t really confide in anyone; no one knows and I’d be ashamed to tell. And in fact, I am ashamed and guilt-ridden and have been throughout the 18 months of the affair. But still I couldn’t break it off. I tried every other week it seems, but I just couldn’t stay away. I married young, and I realize now, that I never knew true passion, until I met this man. It was so much like a dream, like heaven. He told me early on that he wouldn’t allow himself to fall in love with me, but after several months he admitted that he was in love with me. He knew I loved him, and he thought that meant I should leave my husband of 20 years. I am not someone to act on impulse and I also thought maybe I was under the spell of infatuation. And, to confuse matters more, I still love my husband, although passion is lacking. So he would pressure me to leave my husband, and then I would try to end the affair, realizing that I was leading him on, holding him back from the world of available women, where he might find lasting love. As soon as he sensed me pulling away, he’d change his tune to “lets live for the moment, I have no expectations….” So I’d stay, and we’d “live for the moment” until again he started to feel like he wanted something more….and I’d try to let him go….and he’d come back to the “moment. ” We also did this dance, where we’d decide to end it, both firmly agreed, but that we’d still be friends, and then we’d hang out at his place, and almost always end up back in bed. Well, I guess he finally had enough of all this madness and very abruptly and rudely said it’s all over, no friendship especially, since that ruse always leads to sex with us.

I know I don’t deserve sympathy, but still my heart aches. That’s what brought me to this website. Trying my best to cope in secret. I still see him several times a week (work), and he is cordial but very, very distant. He looks so achingly beautiful to me, and it kills me to think how much I’ve hurt him, when really I tried my best just to love him. But then sometimes I feel angry, too. He was really into the sex, and he was quite the seducer, so while I wasn’t willing to leave a marriage for him, he definitely had a lot of good “moments” with me.

Though I miss him and still love him, I don’t want him back. I want to work on my marriage, and see if it’s meant to be. It’s funny, even if eventually I do get divorced, I’m not sure I want this man. Together we reached extreme heights of passion, but y’know what? I think this is because we both have rather unstable, dreamy personalities. Should it come down to the day to day work of maintaining a relationship, I’m not at all sure we’d make it. Well, thanks for listening to my rambling. My love is gone, I miss him, I’m left with endless guilt and my dark, dark secret….

l

For troubled marriages I would highly recommend Retrouvaille. It is a weekend retreat for seriously unhappy marriages. It’s like 3 years of great marriage counseling packed into one weekend. I sure never had any great marriage counseling. Many people are familiar with Marriage Encounter, I have been to both AND to marriage counseling. Retrouvaille is the real deal. It’s awesome. I went to all 3 with my ex, I didn’t know about his pill use and he never admitted to the pill use until he had a withdrawal seizure and then he started drinking and was not interested in getting clean, and so it didn’t work out. Marriage Encounter to me was pretty lame.
But in my Retrouvaille group there were several couples living apart and one couple that had filed for divorce and 99% reconciled and were so happy together and so happy they did this retreat. Unfortunately it didn’t work out for me. But it did help me figure things out in the long run.
http://www.retrouvaille.org/ I am not advertising this at all but this is the site.

Mouse: I’m glad my sharing helped you. You helped me to with your story, too. It’s only been six days since my lover ended it. I’ve cried every day, and then I was seized with the fear that I have a serious illness and will die. I truly felt my life was over, literally and figuratively. But I think it’s just heartburn from the stress. Strange how the heart hurts even physically over lost love. So guess what? My lover called me this morning and wants to get together and talk, which we’ll do tomorrow. He said he realized it wasn’t fair to have ended it so abruptly. I’ve got a lot of mixed feelings about this. I’m scared of all the strong feelings and pain this meeting will bring up, but I’m also relieved he doesn’t hate me. I’ve read this website section on “No contact,” but I think this will help me have closure.

Mouse, I totally understand how you want him to cuddle and comfort you, even just as a friend. I’ve clung to my lover after (the many times) we decided to just be friends because he was the only one who knows my secret and doesn’t judge me. Somehow, as long as I kept up close contact with him, I was protected from the wave of guilt for my infidelity and from having to really be present in the relationship with my husband. So I clung to him, I said just hold me. But that always led us back to sex, so I know now that I can’t rely on him to get me through the emotional turmoil of the aftermath of the affair. It will only keep the affair going. We’ve resolved to end it so many times, and then gone back to it, then “ended” it again, and each time we “end it” it gets more painful. I know we both have to just let each other go. I don’t want to lie to my husband anymore, and I don’t want to hold my lover back. He’s 40 (I’m 46) and he’s never been married. I know he longs for an open and honest and committed relationship, and I just can’t give that to him.

This time his ending it seemed much more final than ever before. He was angry and said he would say hi to me, but that was it as far as contact. So it surprised me that six days later he wants to talk. I think he genuinely does just want to be kind, and to have us part in a gentler way. But I am going to be very cautious, because maybe he’s feeling lonely, and maybe he’ll think, oh, it’ll be okay if we just hold each other…then we’re right back in it again, and the inevitable next “break up” will be even more painful. It’s gonna hurt, really hurt, to really let my love go, but I know I have to.

Mouse, I hope you find some peace soon. Keep writing. It helps to write, and because you and I are in a similar situation, I know your sharing will help me, too. I will say a prayer for you. And for all of us with broken hearts.

OMG…I thought I was the only one with a conniving, deceiving selfish man that I thought was WONDERFUL…
I thought i had finally found the one! yes, I am married, 2 ships passing in the night kind of thing,
and this WONDERFUL man stole my heart for 8 years, only to ditch me for a new love and blaming me
for it all. Of course, nothing was his responsibility. I am trying to rebuild my life but I am pathetic
about it, cant stop thinking about him, wonder why he doesnt want to see how i am, crying, having
a hard time putting one foot in front of the other, etc. It is just somewhat comforting to know
i am not the only dumb dumb out here to have this situation.

Karolynn, your situation is very similar to mine. I fell in love with a much older man who became very critical of me and my children through our almost two year relationship. He finally dropped me for someone else. A few weeks later he wanted “his life back” with me. It lasted ten days and he went back to her in just three days after we broke up again.(If he ever left her) I didn’t want the break-up because my life centered around him and I so deeply loved him. I found myself telling everyone what a great man he was and how good he was to me even though he left me for another woman, TWICE!!!. As time passed I started accepting his actions for what they were. I knew that I didn’t deserve being picked up and thrown down like I didn’t have any feelings at all. The best thing we can do is learn from this and start loving ourselves more than we do the men in our lives. God Bless!

Sapphire, I hear you and I know where you are coming from. But I am also older, and have been through a broken heart more than once and I feel I might have some wisdom for you.
I know this will be hard to digest, but I believe it is the truth, and sometimes, truth hurts.
This man who says he cannot “do relationships” is a user in the worst sense of the word. You think he is so wonderful, but he is not!! Firstly, if he really was so wonderful he would not play with your emotions the way he is and has done. He is getting off on having women fall in love with this image he is projecting, then keeping them at arm’s length. It’s like showing a starving woman a banquet and then keeping her away from it with clear glass. You can press your face into the glass but you cannot ever have it. And he is sadistic in doing this to you. There is really something seriously wrong with this man. He wants to feel loved and wanted and gets off by hurting the ones who love him. I don’t think you are alone, I think there are many women he has met online and is pulling the same stunt on them.
Save yourself for a real man with real emotions who will treasure your love and love you back equally. Don’t waste your mental energy wanting a “friendship” with this creep, and that is what he is, a creep to do what he has done to you. He will do it again if you keep showing him you are a willing victim. I know this is hard to read, but I know of what I speak. Please, get over him, don’t pine for him, you can never have him. He is plastic. I’ll bet what he told you his likes, etc. that are so similar to your likes are not real either. Don’t feed this sick ego anymore. Dry your eyes and move on and never forget this bad experience so you will not be fooled again.

Well it’s 4 months now since she’s gone. I still can’t concentrate, I still feel empty, and I still don’t understand why she’s gone away. I love her still. I tried to talk to her. She told me I was the best man in the world but she couldn’t be with me and it’s over now. Then she cried. It’s almost impossible to even talk to her on the phone now – she just blocks off and hangs up. I don’t know what to do. I’m so in love with her. I’ll loose my job is I keep in this dissociated state. I wish to God something could happen to make her change her mind. I am so in love with her. I can;t concentrate at work – I just feel numb – I sit in front of my computer and just can’t concentrate on anything. The pain just doesn’t end.

JohnB August 10, 2009 at 2:47 am
Hello,

well it’s happened to me to. I had a perfect relationship. I was so happy. I’m 37 and she is 31. We had great intimate life, absolutely amazing. We laughed, we cuddled, everybody was jealous of our happiness. I loved her to bits. She was so pretty – I always thought it was too good to be true that such a lovely woman could ever love me. I had been with her for 4 years. The last 2 years I drank one glass of wine extra instead of doing sport and exercise. I think the stgress from job was getting to me and I was a bit grumpy. Despite this, everything continued to be great. All through June we were having a great time, as usual. Laughing, loving couple. On 1st July she called me. She told me she was moving out of my flat. She told me she loved me but she couldn’t live with me. I immeidiately stopped working too much, gave up alcohol, started doing sport – but it’s too late. She doesn’t want the contact. She wants me to repect her decision. It’s as if I’ve been dropped like a stone. I love her so much. I’ve been crying every day for the last 6 weeks – and that a grown man of 37. I don’t undertstand that she says she loves me but it’s over. I wonder what she wants to find now. I wrote her a letter saying that my intentions are to marry her, have kids and love her til I die. She just doesn’t want me anymore. She’s dropped me like a stone. I think all I can do now is follow John’s advice: improve myself, work less, tell her that I;m here for her if she wants me, but then break off all contact and try and get on with life. God it hurts. I just can’t describe the pain. I cry and do mad things. I wish this was a nightmare but it’s not – it’s real life. I think it’s worse than if somebody dies – because she hasn’t died – she’s actually chosen that she doesn’t want to be in my life anymore. She’s told me she doesn’t want to me with me anymore: but she says she loves me. It’s awful. Life’s not fair – that’s is exactly the point. Nobody said it would be fair. Life is unfair, cold and tough. If she dropped me like a stone like this how can I ever feel safe to trust anyone again? I’m 37 now – it means if I get over this in 2 years I’ll be 39. I just wanted to have a family with her and grow old. I’m really heart broken.

John

Mary, thank you so much for your response. I do tend to blame myself for things and was pretty low when I wrote that. It’s good to get an outsider’s perspective. In truth I am more angry with him than I let on. I wish he’d been mature about this rather than running away like a scared little boy. I’d like him to face up to what he’s done rather than hiding from it. But the anger is getting less every day. What’s the point?

Mary: “I don’t think you are alone, I think there are many women he has met online and is pulling the same stunt on them.”

He speaks to a LOT of people online, I suspect one or two will go, or have gone, the same direction. But I honestly don’t think it’s deliberate. I know him well enough to know he’s just a total dolt when it comes to feelings.

Mary: “There is really something seriously wrong with this man.”

Yes, there is. He had a super-messed up childhood and a tumultuous adult life, and now has a couple of life-threatening medical conditions (YES, that is true. I’ve seen the medical bills, test results etc, and sent mutual friends to visit him in hospital- he’s in another country to me). In spite of this he is a warm-hearted person and very funny. I really wouldn’t want you to get the wrong impression of him. Things I know for certain are true- he volunteered with a orphanage charity, he is currently setting up a disaster-relief programme in flood-affected areas in the country he now lives in, he regularly feeds and gives basic medical attention to stray animals in the area where he lives. The guy is not a bad person, nor does he *intend* any harm. He’s just emotionally illiterate. Broken.
Yeah, cutting me out was a callous and cruel thing to do. I think he was wrong to do it, I was angry and deeply deeply hurt. But I do understand that emotion scares him, and I am an intensely emotional person. So. It wasn’t going to work, I guess.

Luckily for me I’m a quick healer. One good thing about primarily internet-based relationships is that your whole life isn’t turned upside-down when they end. I’m still here, in my house with my job and my friends. I’m just missing the contact with someone I cared about greatly.

But anyway, it is over and that is for the best. I will reiterate the message you gave me: if they say they “don’t do relationships”- run. It’s just not worth it, sisters.

oh am I stupid. Just yesterday I got smart. I finally ended it with a guy that after 8 months couldnt tell me he loved me and HE DIDNT KNOW WHY well, Im not Einstein but I KNOW why…because HE didnt. THat is heart wrenching enough. I dont even know if I spelled Enstein correctly and IM A TEACHER> all thoughts are in a disarray at this point. I dont care if I have a typo so you know IM struggling. We were together 8 months and I would ease it in, Honey…love you!! and there was that SILENCE>>>>do you know the one?? ANyone???? Or he would say…You are so sweet! Well, this chick just got UNSWEET….enough was enough. I have taken all the crap over my disabled son Im going to take and yesterday he (beat around the bush and NOT mine, might I add) that he wanted a long term relationship and he sees me in a care taker role…what a jerk. OOOh…….
I said…Im done with this. I know I was impulsive but you know what…..I have been thinking of this everyday and thinking…he ll come around and love me and the kids eventually..Ill TEACH him to love…..nope I just feel so stupid. Loved him and his kids and family and what did I get??????? Forgotten no doubt. I hurt but IM mad so I will make it…..just get mad everyone that seems to help and it is normal…just dont hurt yourself or anyone else….it wll soon pass…
Jon…dear….hang in there. The problem was the LONG distance part, I think. It will get better.
Paula

Jon…wow. I feel ya.

Take that break from each other. Really. It does the world of good. I don’t know, I feel more philosophical by the day. There are no absolutes in life, ya know? It didn’t work out this time, but if you meet up again in a year, or five, you’ll both have grown, and maybe it’ll work. If you take that time out, you may find you don’t want it anymore.

Not sure why I am giving advice, I’m just another sucker for love. I just feel very strongly that if you’re both still in love, take that break and see it as a positive thing. If you’re both there at the end of it, you have something, you know? If it all falls apart again, at least you tried. It wasn’t to be. Good luck.

I think I may have been played…. 7 months into a long distance relationship, known each other for 4 years, and tells me he loves me dearly & his feeling grow stronger for me everyday. Then says in the same breath, but i don’t know what I want so if you meet someone else, don’t wait for me. I have loved this man for 4 years and felt like it was FATE that we both were single at the same time. I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. How could he NOT love me & want me forever? Flew back home this weekend & not even a phone call/text from him after that talk. Nice way to love someone. Don’t feel bad guys/girls.. I flew out to him 3 times on MY dime..paid for everything..washed his dishes…bent over backwards to please him..bought gifts… to receive nothing in return. Pathetic.

I HAVE GONE THROUGH SIMILAR SITUATION I MET A YOUNER GUY 5 YEARS. THROUGH A FRIEND AFTER DATING HIM FOR 2 1/2 years i find out he is married. he was always with me on weekends and during the week im so hurt.
why did she not question him ? how was he able to cover up the fact that he was living a double life ?

i cant escape it. it follors me everywhere I go, the thought of him that is. I think of him being happier and better off than me and it kills me inside. I feel so low and rejected. The thing is that I actually have a great self-confidence and know that I’m a good catch. I’m actually a better catch than he is. I hadnt spoken to him in months because of my choice. I never wanted to see him again because i disliked him as a person, and had noo attraction towards him whatsoever. I was even embaressed to have had anything with him. But its not until recently that I found out he wants no more to do with me and it broke me. In so many ways. How does this happen? That I can go from avoiding his calls to not have to see him to being on the floor bawling because he doesnt want anything to do with me anymore? Now after him not being in my thoughts he’s all I think about. So often, I have to step out of class to breathe. I can’t get the thoughts out of my head. I’ll wake up in the mornings fine for the most part, but then it’s like I remind myself to think about it until i remember why the hell it hurts so much. My biggest fear is that something could happen to me that could permanently change my way of being. I don’t want this to make me someone who is always miserable, or grow to be an angry lonely old man but I really can’t see things getting better. I can’t even eat, and always feel like throwing up. Nothing seems like fun to me and I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking. Thinking that if he might miss me..then there’s still hope to fix things. When I know that if i do get him back, im going to get tired of him later because I dislike him as a person and everything he is. I’m so fucked and these tips are easier read than done. I can’t go online without thinking of him and I’m tired of feeling this way. It’s taking an extreme toll on my life. Does anyone want to talk? u can email me if u want. @ jasdon4@hotmail.com
I could really use someone to talk to =/

Well perhaps it will be cathartic to summarize my story. Married 24 years, husband gambles among other things. Never wants to be with me, didn’t really spend time with our children, seemed to fight me and undermine our household every step of the way. Always a good provider. Then at year 21 or so, I met someone who pursued me. I wanted him but I could not betray my vows nor could I participate in him betraying his. I knew he just wanted a fling and I am not the fling kind but still, I fell. I left but it will be 2 years in December and I am still heartbroken. My marriage has continued to deteriorate. I don’t know where I stand but in my heart I am certain it is over. I go to school to gain skills for a new career, I work out, I do the best I can but it is not enough. I am lonely and I am sad in my heart. Yes I function and know really knows but…I need to heal.

Well perhaps it will be cathartic to summarize my story. Married 24 years, husband gambles among other things. Never wants to be with me, didn’t really spend time with our children, seemed to fight me and undermine our household every step of the way. Always a good provider. Then at year 21 or so, I met someone who pursued me. I wanted him but I could not betray my vows nor could I participate in him betraying his. I knew he just wanted a fling and I am not the fling kind but still, I fell. I left but it will be 2 years in December and I am still heartbroken. My marriage has continued to deteriorate. I don’t know where I stand but in my heart I am certain it is over. I go to school to gain skills for a new career, I work out, I do the best I can but it is not enough. I am lonely and I am sad in my heart. Yes I function and know onereally knows but…I need to heal.

N…it sounds as if your boyfriend is having trouble with the transition between the initial “falling in love” and settling down into a deeper relationship. Of course the spark has died down. Do any reading on the matter at all and you will find out it is a physical impossibility for it to continue because those feelings of “being in LOVE” are caused by brain chemicals. It’s all part of the original attraction. I really think if he does indeed love you, he will realize it and come back. Love has so many faces and when it settles down, sometimes people think it has died. Not true. Just pray and realize that if he really does love you, it will be better than ever someday. And if he doesn’t, well then there will be someone else who will.