Step 8: Stomp Out Negative Thoughts
“I will never meet anyone else…”
“I can’t live without this person…”
“This keeps happening, what is wrong with me?”
“I’m not [smart, good, pretty, whatever] enough…”
Sound familiar?
Some psychologists have called the repeating negative voice “the gremlin”. Others describe it as a radio station playing a recurring song of self-limiting beliefs. After a break up, some of us obsess about what happened during the break-up- something he or she said, the place of the break up, the reasons we think it happened. And some of us obsess about ourselves including thoughts about what we look like, what we act like, or something we think is deficient within ourselves.
Recurring negative thoughts embed themselves in our subconscious and no matter how far from the truth they may be, these thoughts become our reality. Luckily, we can change this reality. In fact, in order to move forward from our heartbreak and heartache, we must change this reality. So, take those negative thoughts and stomp them out!
Exercise: Just asking yourself to ‘stop’ the negative thoughts generally is not sufficient enough to make that happen. To change your thinking, write out your recurring, negative thought and then flip it into a more realistic, positive thought. Why does this work? With enough repetition your mind starts referencing the positive thought instead of repeating the negative one. It’s kind of like reprogramming your system to release the negativity. You have the option to use the form below or feel free to use a journal. We recommend doing this step in your journal daily.
Examples: 1) I will never get over this pain – The more likely outcome is that it with effort, this feeling will pass. 2) I will never find anyone like him/her – The more likely outcome is with so many incredible, wonderful people in the world, sooner or later I will find the one.
Tip: Start Positive thoughts with – “The more likely outcome is…” or “That’s not true because…” or “A more accurate way of seeing this is…”
Read and add your own comments below. When you’re ready…
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i broke up with my bf about a month ago because he got my bff preg. while i was visiting in texas and i regret doing it im in love wityh him but i think he only used me 4 sex. my parents wont let me go out with him tho. he says hes in love with me but then he goes and talks about other girls all the time and the only thing he wants to do is have sex he can barely hav a conversation with me unless it has to do with us having sex. its so hard bc i love him so much and i cant tell if he really loves me bak or if hes just sayin it to get inside my pants so to speak. and btw i am only 15 but still. i think he is the one but idk…HELP!!!!! please!
amber-bear – you have a really immature guy on your hands who is only thinking with the little head at this point in his life. if you want to keep getting hurt, stay with him. if you want to stop getting hurt, move on. i know the attraction you have, but they say that “rejection double attraction for someone”. you can’t land him and that drives you nuts and gives him all the power. someday you will hopefully want a relationship where the power is pretty equal on both sides. both people in a relationship like this have to have a lot of self respect as well as respect and kindness for others. it takes a while to find these people. plus you have to be ready yourself for something like this. until then, you have a choice to make – keep giving your heart away to jerks who use you, or get strong find someone who will guard your heart (btw – that doesn’t mean he would never break up with you, it just means he will respect you, not cheat on you, and if he starts to like someone else, he will respectfully break up first before getting involved w the next person).
Hey All,
Just wanted to check back in and let you all know (even though you may not want to hear it right now) that broken hearts truly do get better over time. It’s still only been 2 weeks since my breakup but I already feel better. Each situation is different of course, and some situations take a lot longer to get over, but just keep the faith and every day does get better, I promise. Focus on yourself, allow it to hurt, it’s part of the body’s natural process. Understand that an emotional wound can be just as painful as a physical one, just different. And your mind and body are already in the process of helping you get better. Be patient with yourself. You’ll have good days and bad, and thats ok. And I always wanted to let you all know that reading your stories and knowing that I’m not alone has been TREMENDOUSLY helpful to me, and most likely will continue to be throughout the next few weeks. You ALL are strong, compassionate people and I truly appreciate that you are sharing the deepest parts of yourselves. Sharing your own heartbreak and reaching out doubles back and helps you too. Remember to keep moving, keep breathing and trust that you will get better. And that you deserve someone who will love you for who you are, don’t settle for anything less.
Amen to every thing you said Monica. Glad the darkness is lifting for you and you are feeling good about life again!
John – You have been offering advice to everyone on this page and thats truly a beautiful thing. You’ve been able to take your experience and help others. Thats what life is all about. I’ve never been one to reach out and ask for help, always tried to put on the front that I’m fine, but I’m learning that it’s perfectly ok to ask for help. We can’t go it alone. So kudos to you for being supportive to everyone here. I certainly hope things are looking better for you too.
Thanks Monica. This board has helped me alot. I guess sometimes when I see people going through stuff that is so unnecessary and could be avoided by their choices, I can’t help myself but chirp up. I hope it is appreciated
There is a lot of stuff people have written here, including you, that have helped me. It really is a faith thing – faith in life and self that we will come out of this tunnel. I lost a relative a couple years back, a young boy who took his own life because a girl dumped him. And this was one of those girls that was flirtatious and just made the rounds with guys. But my relative was a sensitive type who fell for her, and when she left him flapping in the wind, he ended it all. I remember after I heard that wishing I coulda been there for him to show him there is light at the end of the tunnel and he will love again one day. Now I have to apply my advice to myself, everyday, almost every minute. This is so dark for me because, unlike many on here, I don’t have anything about my ex gf to demonize her with. She was great, she just chose to start off on another path in her life and not there is this huge void in my life and my heart where her daily and beautiful love used to reside. God I hate this.
That in my opinion is the hardest breakup to bear. My relationship ended the same way, no bitterness or tangible thing to be angry about and move on. It’s like hanging in limbo. It’s inredibly difficult to accept that no one did anything wrong, that it was just circumstance. People tell you to “be glad it ended that way” and that it leaves the option open to return to it again. But somehow thats almost harder to deal with, because while you’re trying to convince your heart that this wonderful person who came into you life and made it better is gone, you’re still clinging to the thought of getting back together with them someday. It’s confusing and painful in a way I can’t really describe. But just remember that the fact that you still keep getting up everyday, living your life, and reaching out to people is testament that you will be ok. And one day you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt so much anymore. You’ll never forget about her, or the love that she showed you, but it’ll stop aching so much. You’ll start to see the other positive things in your life and I’m sure there are plenty if you really think about it. Hang in there.
Monica,
Your last couple of sentences are so true! Ironically, I woke up a few days ago, and it was like no more crying hurt! My heart no longer aches for her, and the last couple of days, there have been so much positive things in my life, that really has pushed a lot of her out of my way of being happy. As a matter of fact, my first girlfriend ever and I actually spoke today for the first time in 30 years, and I said to her, I am surprised you remember me, and she said, How could I ever forget my first love! And I was in Aw! And someone that Myself and my Ex knows, tried so hard today to rehash my hurt, and you know, because of all the positive things going on in my life, It didn’t have an affect on me! So yeah, in time everyone’s hurt will get better, and like you said, Focus on all the positive, and things will surely get better!
Micheal
Hello,
well it’s happened to me to. I had a perfect relationship. I was so happy. I’m 37 and she is 31. We had great intimate life, absolutely amazing. We laughed, we cuddled, everybody was jealous of our happiness. I loved her to bits. She was so pretty – I always thought it was too good to be true that such a lovely woman could ever love me. I had been with her for 4 years. The last 2 years I drank one glass of wine extra instead of doing sport and exercise. I think the stgress from job was getting to me and I was a bit grumpy. Despite this, everything continued to be great. All through July we were having a great time, as usual. Laughing, loving couple. On 1st July she called me. She told me she was moving out of my flat. She told me she loved me but she couldn’t live with me. I immeidiately stopped working too much, gave up alcohol, started doing sport – but it’s too late. She doesn’t want the contact. She wants me to repect her decision. It’s as if I’ve been dropped like a stone. I love her so much. I’ve been crying every day for the last 6 weeks – and that a grown man of 37. I don’t undertstand that she says she loves me but it’s over. I wonder what she wants to find now. I wrote her a letter saying that my intentions are to marry her, have kids and love her til I die. She just doesn’t want me anymore. She’s dropped me like a stone. I think all I can do now is follow John’s advice: improve myself, work less, tell her that I;m here for her if she wants me, but then break off all contact and try and get on with life. God it hurts. I just can’t describe the pain. I cry and do mad things. I wish this was a nightmare but it’s not – it’s real life. I think it’s worse than if somebody dies – because she hasn’t died – she’s actually chosen that she doesn’t want to be in my life anymore. She’s told me she doesn’t want to me with me anymore: but she says she loves me. It’s awful. Life’s not fair – that’s is exactly the point. Nobody said it would be fair. Life is unfair, cold and tough. If she dropped me like a stone like this how can I ever feel safe to trust anyone again? I’m 37 now – it means if I get over this in 2 years I’ll be 39. I just wanted to have a family with her and grow old. I’m really heart broken.
John
sorry “all through June” that should read above.
Man, JohnB, that is rough, no doubt. You had a very similiar situation to mine in that you dated for 4 years and were really crazy about her, as was I about mine. The big diff is that you had this bomb dropped on you out of nowhere, and me and mine had been breaking up and getting back together the past two years because of one or two sticking issues. But we always got back together within 3 weeks, and the breakups were never fights, we just sorta drifted apart for a few weeks. But the get backs were great, especially the s e x. Then finally, in my situation, this last break up she made permanent. And I don’t want it to be permanent, and I too am going through the tough pain of missing her terribly. I know I am not hurting as much as you. I’m actually getting 4 hrs of sleep a night now, instead of 1 or 2. I’m probably two months into the realization that we are done, although one month ago is when it hit me full force that we are done when she told me she has started dating some.
I am actually starting to have little flashes of happiness (that last for all of 1 second) pop into my head maybe once every two days (like when a buddy said his cubemate’s wife knows a lot of women he could introduce me to or I start getting a visualization of myself being strong and pursuing some of my goals, I start getting the strong masculine feeling again, that self confident feeling. But at this point these feelings are fleeting) – and no, it won’t replace her, but distractions, like w other women, can help speed the recovery process once you climb a bit out of the pit you’re in, maybe in a few weeks.
Heartbreak is a fascinating thing to me, how powerful it can be. For me, at 43, these past 4 years were the happiest of my life. You and I sound much alike, that we both really enjoyed the sexual intimacy on levels much deeper than just the physical. When I was in those moments I was on a high that is unexplainable, but I bet you get it. And now, the lows I feel, especially at night when I am in bed, are mirrors of how high I felt. Just an incredible darkness that grips my soul. It is hard to imagine loving like this again. But I know we both will. People like us hurt deeply, because we love deeply, and we will love again, and feel love again. As I climb out of this, I am really going to focus on being really happy myself, because I won’t be able to draw another angel like this past gal to me again if I am not happy and on top of my game. So the very sucky, sucky truth is that I will be alone for a while. In past years, in my 20s and 30s, after a break up, I would settle for someone I didn’t really love on a rebound and then make a mess out of that. Now I’ve learned to wait til someone comes along that I know I could be crazy about. In the meantime, I work out in the gym to make my body the best it can be, and I pursue interests and passions that I enjoy spending my time on, which will also go along way when you DO meet someone new down the road (they will want to see you are an interesting person with a life).
It truly, truly sucks. I thought my gal only wanted time on her own, to be single and figure out who she is, time that she never had since she married so young, and then after her divorce started dating me right away. But I hear she is already out there dating, and I hear about some things she specifically didn’t like about our relationship – and this makes me mad because she didn’t give “us” a chance to fix them. During our breakup this spring, I am trying to be noble and step aside for her to have space, then she starts dating right away? Ouch. I feel like what this is really all about is that she wanted to upgrade to someone better, while taking her time to do that and get to know herself. All I know is that she was really wonderful to me while together, I always felt safe with her (that’s why this is so hard!), felt secure, felt loved, she pleased me whenever I wanted, and for that I am grateful, but it also makes it so difficult. I must’ve failed her in some areas that I wasn’t aware I was failing her in in order to give her the impetus to move on. Oh well…let’s all hang in there… (And I hate that phrase ‘hang in there’)
– JohnA
(I didn’t mean to italisize the last three lines, only the word ‘whenever’)
Hey John, sorry to hear that she’s dating already. I’m currently thinking about “What if she does come back”. I mean, your girl may find that through dating others she misses you. Somehow though, I start to wonder if I want her back. I mean – you need a sturdy boat to ride the waves of life – not some sinking raft that runs off without discussing or solving problems. It just seems a shame to me that they run away – somehow shallow. And why not face the problems? I mean – with someone else she’s just going to run into the same or other problems that won’t be discussed – and then run away again? This is just a mad world.
I think I still love her, but she’s broken contact now, and my heart is growing tough and cold – I think in self defense. I don’t want the love to die – but I think it will if she stays away long enough.
So hurt and so sad!
THE WARMTH OF THE SUN (Brian Wilson)
What good is the dawn
that grows into day
the sunset at night
or living this way?
For I have the warmth of the sun
(Warmth of the sun)
Within me at night
(Within me at night)
The love of my life
She left me one day
I cried when she said
“I don’t feel the same way”
Still I have the warmth of the sun
(Warmth of the sun)
Within me tonight
(Within me tonight)
I’ll dream of her arms
And though they’re not real
Just like she’s still there
The way that I feel
My love’s like the warmth of the sun
(Warmth of the sun)
It won’t ever die
(It won’t ever die)
IT’S BEEN 4 YEARS SINCE MY HEART WAS BROKEN ………………………NONE OF THIS WORKS
does this work?…hehe
Awww man,..you see, i dnt know wht to say,..sometimes i stay awake jst to imagine how much i loved her..=,(..im like a statue sometimes, stuck, helpless..sometimes u think of reasons why he or she went out wth you,..its because each and everyone of us is different in our own ways,..it doesnt really matter if we think”am i good looking?..” “will he see me the way i am” “does he love me, the way i love her?”these things dont exist after a break up..whts important is you have enough strength to wake up every day,..everyday, knowing you made it
How is everyone holding up? I see the new comments everyday and my heart goes out to all of you. Breaking up is never easy. But it’s completely survivable. A month ago I was right where some of you are. Questions running through my mind alllll the time about what went wrong, what I could’ve done better, why I even went out with him, etc. But as we’ve all heard before, some things just don’t have an answer. It’s part of being alive. And the fact that you have those kinds of emotions for another person is proof that you are. But it really does get easier. I made some changes in the last few months and they’ve helped me deal with the loss. As dorky as it sounds, I even went out and got a completely different haircut. And ya know what? It worked! I feel like I’m “reinventing” myself. And it feels good. Embrace the loss, but start putting your life back together. Even if you have to push yourself a little bit. Friends and family can do wonders for you if you just listen to what they have to say and let them in. It won’t hurt forever I promise you that. You may still hear a song that reminds you of them, or hear their name dropped in a conversation, or any number of little things that bring the memory back, but it won’t feel like a heartbreak anymore. Keep your head up, push through it and you’ll get to the other side. And remember…even though you loved that person, there are WAY too many people in the world to give up on loving again. You owe it to yourself to get back out there and see what else life has to offer. But take as much time as you need to grieve it, don’t rush into anything. Take care of yourself first and the rest will just fall into place.
Hey Monica – good to hear from you and good to see you are moving on successfully. Sounds like I am a few weeks behind you but certainly heading that direction. I finally, after about two months of 2-4 hrs sleep per night, am sleeping through most of the night. Catching up on a lot of lost Zzzz. A few things that have helped me: had a couple sessions w a counselor just to vent and be heard. Didn’t have a lot of support from friends and family, they are mostly indifferent to what I am going through, or all they will say is “sorry” or “not sure what to tell you”. But a good counselor will empathize w your pain and make you feel heard so you can start moving on. I’ve also been reconnecting w a lot of old friends and once they hear I am single again they start mentioning they know someone else who is single and we should all meet up, etc. NOT that I am looking to replace my lost love, I am not doing that. But getting out to meet new people will create new memories, and I am convinced that we can’t move on until we start creating these new memories which are needed to “pile onto” the old memories and help us forget our past loves.
I love your idea of re-inventing yourself. New hairdos, clothes, interest groups, passions to pursue, all we aid in the moving on process. The more I can keep my mind occupied with new people and activities, the more “time” goes by and I think alot of healing is done in the back ground during these times.
I did hear from my ex via email this week wondering how I was doing, and I am sorta wondering how to play it. Part of me just wants to tell her no contact. Another part, I’m sure subconsciously hopes for reconcilliation, and wants to show her strength and indifference so as to regain some lost power. Even if only to put doubts in her mind about the decision to move on being the right one for her. But I don’t want to play that game if it will hold me back from moving on, so I am mulling this one over at this time. I did respond, this time though, with a neutral, upbeat ‘everything is good, meeting new people, having fun, hope you are doing well too’ response. But I need to think if I will remain in contact w her in the future. I mean, honestly, if she really wants me back, she can chase my azz down and beg me to come back, right!?!? In the meantime, I am really starting to enjoy some new friends I’ve made and am hanging out with, and reacquainting with old…
Keep moving forward everyone, one day at a time…
How is everyone doing? I guess I am at this site as I am hurt as well. I feel my heart is being ripped apart and then stabbed million times. I never imagined there would be a pain like this. Well guess what, since I am experiencing this pain, it DOES exist. My wife of 7 yrs and 11 mths told me that she loves me but “She is not in love with me anymore”. She could talk about emotional feelings to someone else but not to me as I cannot understand. Well I have to be honest with myself and take the blame for this as I listened to her fewer times and most of the time I tried to help her to fix her problems. Guess that was a big NO NO. She told me that this guy is an older guy and he listens to her verywell. I was begging her for the past 3 days to give me an oppurtunity to prove my love to her. I have another issue in this mix. I have ADHD and I am not trying to blame my issues on my ADHD. I am willing to take the blame for most of the stupid mistakes I have made. She tells me that she has never and she will never do anything to jeopradize our relationship. She also told me that she wants to be married to me but she doesn’t know if or when she will be able to return my love (be in love with me). I love her so much that it hurts. I can do anything and everything to have her back. I am not sure if I am being desparate and I should just let her go. We both have 2 children together and I love my children and they love me back as well. Due to the nature of my job, I have to be away from my family 5 days a week at least. It appears to me that we both are hurt and she has gotten over me. She doesn’t even remember if/when she had a spark for me. My heart throbes when she calls me on the other hand, she ignores my calls. I am not sure what I am supposed to do. I have some growing up to do as well. I am very clingy to her and I need to prove to her that I am the person she wants and needs for loving not some tom, dick and harry she met at her work. In the mean time I am going to meand my broken heart and still love her at the same time and get prepared to change and move on. I want her to long to be with me not avoid me when I am around her. Please help me as I have been having a lot os sucidal thoughts. The pain of broken heart is worse than death. But to die is to take an easy way out and I will never do that as I have 2 beautiful children who look up to their dad. I will stare in the face of adversity and take the problem headon rather than getting around it and solve these issues once for all. Please help me,
Wow, i need help. My boyfriend of almost three years just broke up with me. He says he doesn’t love me enough. he does love me but not enough for us to continue being together. he claims it was hard for him to do. and that he needs to figure out who he is and what he wants in life and needs to do that alone. I can understand that part. but i can’t do this. my whole life is intertwined with his. i can’t go in my bedroom without thinking of him because of the stuffed animals he got me, or the pictures, or the figurines. I can’t hear music that we liked or he sang or we talked about. I can’t go the places we went, I can’t wear the clothes he bought me or the ones he loved on me. what do I do? He was the love of my life. We had planned our lives together. It was perfect. I am so lost.
Britney, I am going through a similar thing. My boyfriend of almost three years broke up with me this past week. He actually did the same thing last year around the same time. His reasoning last time was that he just didnt have time for me anymore, and that he really didnt love me anymore. Now its he isnt as happy as he used to be, and it doesnt feel right…whatever that means. Its tough I feel sick every morning. A few weeks ago he told me he had been looking at rings, and he had the perfect date in mind to ask a question. We planned to move away together after college and start a family, we picked out names, where we would want to live. It was perfect.
I dont want to tell you it is over for good. but my advice to you is that if he did this once, chances are it WILL happen again.
Like you i have tough times going anywhere bc we did everything together, always. We enjoyed time together. He bought me a diamond necklace for my birthday a few days ago, and i got to where it three times. Now i cant even look at. I go through so many thoughts, what did i do wrong? if i said something different would it have mattered? Im completely a mess.
We go to school with only 500 students… that is a very small college. People here are always in your business. Lately within the past few days he decided that he was interested in someone else…
this is hard bc i thought we were forever… i thought that… i felt that… but he did not. i feel betrayed. i feel like i was a game well played. i feel like i was only convienent.
along with all of this i was his only girlfriend. his only love. so with him being 21 i get he wants to go have fun… so do i… but i love him… so much.
i need help letting go… thats really all i can do at this point. there is no fixing us at this point.i just dont know how to let go. please help
My boyfriend of one year just recently told me im getting old, i wouldn’t have sex with him because im fifteen and he is seventeen, he graduates in one year and i was planning to spend his last year of high school with me. we did everything together, i loved him. now all the sudden he wants other girls to mess around with and to be single. i changed myself in every way for him, he also cheated on me earlier in the relationship and i took him back.earlier in the relationship i told him if he was going to brake up with me because of sex or being a senior then do it now and he said no way! but now im left alone, help me.
My boyfriend of one year just recently told me im getting old, i wouldn’t have sex with him because im fifteen and he is seventeen, he graduates in one year and i was planning to spend his last year of high school with me. we did everything together, i loved him. now all the sudden he wants other girls to mess around with and to be single. i changed myself in every way for him, he also cheated on me earlier in the relationship and i took him back.earlier in the relationship i told him if he was going to brake up with me because of sex or being a senior then do it now and he said no way! but now im left alone, help me. Im sick, i cant eat and i cant focus in school!
hey everyone, i know this was quick but me and my boyfriend got back together. turns out he is unsatisfied with his life and trying to figure out who he is and what he wants. he is only 22. i am 24. and he was lost and did not know how he feels about anything because he is so upset with everything else. we agreed to stay together and work on his problems and help get him some direction in life and help. His parents hindered him severely so he is a little behind where he wanted to be in life right now. We will work on his life and once he is happy if he doesn’t love me then there is nothing we can do. we both think our relationship of three years is worth trying all possibilities to fix whatever is wrong now. so we are going to get him happy with the other aspects of his life and love each other til then and then see where we are. I am so happy.
jessica, you are very young. im not saying what you are experiencing is not love… but you said you changed in every way for him … thats your first problem. you should not have to change you for him… point blank. and you really are not alone. use this time to talk to your family… use their support… listen to what they have to offer because chances are they have gone through something similar. . ik its hard. i am going through a tough time as well… i am 21 and was with my boyfriend for 3 years… use this time to do things for yourself. and limit yourself for time to be upset. im a mess. it hurts.. but by saying hey jess you can only cry two times today.. its a self set goal.
Jessica,
What did he mean by saying you are getting old? That sounds very strange.
Brianna is right, you should not have to change yourself for someone to love you. If you change yourself and aren’t you then he isn’t loving you and you both will ultimately be unhappy. You need to find someone that accepts you and loves you for who you are. If he broke up with you over sex, then I know this hurts to hear, but then he did not really care about you as a person. If physical is all he is after, he isn’t worth your time and your love. It is hard I know. It hurts. But take this time to enjoy the things you enjoy, pick up your hobbies that you discarded for him. Look to friends and family for support and talk. Talk about how you feel. Box up things that remind you of him and place them safely away. One day you might want to look back on them but right now they hurt too much. It will get better. I know that is easier said than done. I hope this helps.
Took the chance again, and fell in love. Not sure if I miss him, or the dream. Found out he was on dating web sites. I hate the internet and texting, and what it is doing in the world today. You just don’t play with people’s emotions. I know it was not my problem, but it still hurts. For all the cheaters and liers out there, I hope that you too one day get a broken heart, worst than what I feel right not. He lost out on an amazing woman. Hope your internet loves provide you with what you deserve. Lies…..
I’m worth it, your just a looser…..Now tell that to my heart.
well its not easy to overcome the loss of somebody who is your life…so they say u ll find someone…she got married in front of my eyes…i did nothing nothing i could do…she ll haunt me fr the rest of my life…i ll make it i m strong enough…but i ll always love her..i hate myself fr loving her…she married my friend tht bastard knew about us but he had a bigger wallet….thts how it works…people label you with accus n stuff just to justify their tainted conscience….
I thought I would never say this but I was a fool for thinking she was different. Everyone warned me but I thought she was different and she would value what we have. I do not know what to do as I pushed everyone away to be with her. I changed my ways, principles and standards to accomodate her and take care of her in everyway possible only to be treated like a stray dog. Please God come and rescue me as this hurts so bad I dont know what to do.
hi all.
I am also broken hearted. I broke up with my bf a year ago and now we are working together. Last year, after 3 years of relationship he said he wanted to try new things. I spent so much time to get over him and when I have started to feel better he came back. He told me that our break-up had made him understand that he loved me. I didn’t believed him in the first time but as the time passed i fell in love with him again. We even started a business together. Suddenly he changed his mind again. He told me that we can only be friends and nothing more. Then i should have left but as we work together i agreed with that. I think i did it because i needed him in my life. Now i have to see him every day. He has 3 girls – either one awares the existence of the other. I now know he is no good and that he is just fooling around. I am pretty sure that he had another girlfriend when we were together. But it is hurting me so much because i love him. I cannot cry any more – I think i run out of tears last year. I see him ever day and i get angry. I have thought giving up work but in this time it is the only thing that gives me joy and i don’t want to lose it.
Hi..
I recently had a 1 month romance, with a girl from another country that came for a one month visit, and stayd at my house for the entire month..
It took us just two days before we first kissed, and it quickly turned into an emotional affair, which at the end left me broken like Iv’e never felt before.
We knew it would end as soon as we started the relationship, because she had to fly back home, but still I fell deeply in love with her, and I find myself broken down crying almost every day, with many sleepless nights, flooding her e-mail box with love letters. I can’t even have a conversation with someone without bringing her up..
What am I supposed to do when the only true love I experienced in my life is taken away from me without a chance to go after it. we didn’t want it to end, but it had to and there was nothing we could do about it.
Flying after her is not an option, for reasons I don’t want to share right now. And I just don’t know what to do, I feel that one of the only two things I fully hearted cared about and would do anything for, has vanished from me, and I just don’t know how to deal with it.
I’m gonna try this one, my bf cheated on me and then told me it was my fault because i dont want sex before marriage…
MONICA:
A message for you if you still look at this site. Thank you for your words of wisdom on here. They have helped a great deal. You are clearly an amazing person who deserves – and will no doubt find – an amazing companion.
Me and her were so close, but then she always ignores me and we laways break up and get back 2gether! I mean the day b4 yesterday she was txting me and then she waits an hour and says “gg love u bye” like she didnt evn kno we wer txting! and then i called her a [[jerk]] (but i get mad easily) then she didnt txt me aftr cheerleading and she nvr txted me in the morning saying ‘BOOOO!!!!” (her nickname 4 me) but i said hey 2 her at 4 in the afternoon and she didnt respond 2 me. I called 1 of my friends and asked her if my girlfriend had her phone, and she said “Ya she did when we were in the car going 2 cheerleading” so i found out she was ignoring me the whole day, then i said “hey” aftr cheerleading at 8 and she jst ignored me. I had 2 say “i was on the phone with (****) and she said tht u had ur phone, so ik ur ginroing me” so then she said ‘idc wat (****) thinks. and i was jst not using my phone 4 the day.” so she completly ignored me!!!!!!! and then i said “i wanted 2 ttu 2 say tht idk if wer gonna work out” so then i said “but i guess since u wann ignore me wer not gonna work out!” so we broke up and I’m rly bummed about it, but idk about her. It seems like its so easy 4 her 2 move on from me, and tht she dsnt like me the way i like her, i mean I love this girl, but idk if she feels the same way.We were dating 4 a year and 2 months, but we broke up 32 timz in between tht! and she went out with this guy twice named Connor! she said she hated him aftr the 1st time, but then she went out with him again aftr she promised she wldnt and aftr all the crap she said about him! and then 2day she txted me saying “Wld u get mad if i went back out with Connor?” so i think shes gonna go back out with him again and it bugs me 2 no end and im gonna fall asleep crying 2night, but i dont wanan tell her these things. we used 2 say alot of things 2 eachothr and i used 2 say “i cnt live w/o u’ and she wld say the same thing, but last night it shwed tht she can live without me, but i cnt live wihtout her. it seems like its so easy 4 her 2 move on, but shes always with her friends so maybe tht is it. plz tell me wat i shld do, shld i try 2 fix things with her? or is 33 break ups ridiculous? idk we rly love eachothr but evry break up is jst love a huge fight, plz tell me wat i shld do cuz idk now!
I was just in the middle of recovering from my 24 year marriage falling apart when I met him. He is gorgeous, sweet and so amazingly easy to love. It started with email and then we started texting and seeing each other on a regular basis. He is still recovering from a divorce as well, so we were an incredible comfort to each other and had so much in common. I was soooo crazy aboyut this guy. I gave him my whole heart. And that’s where I screwed up..again. I always give it away so easily. I never expect anything in return. The backrubs and the favours, the tolerating his silent treatments and the endless fear he’d go back to his ex-wife. I felt so wildly inadequate all the time. Never felt pretty enough or entertaining enough. But still I hung on because I needed him and wanted him. Still want him in fact. We have chemistry and I know we would be good together if he’d just open his eyes. But there were times when he’d almost ignore me the whole evening. I guess I have no self-esteem. I don’t know why I think this is the only kind of guy I deserve. Just afraid I’ll never find anything better, I guess. But the stupid fact is, I’m still so in love with him and I want him back. My heart feels so broken I can hardly stand it. Right not I”m trying to resist texting him. When I first sensed him pulling away, I started to send texts like an insane woman. But he said (through text!) that he needed time to think about us. Those words hurt so much. Three days later, he stilll won’t respond to my texts. I’m tired and sad about all this. I don’t know what I did wrong. What I do know for sure is texting is the devil. It gives people a false sense of closeness. What it really does is make you feel chained to someone. And the messages are always so terse and misunderstood. If I get this guy back, or start a new relationship, my rule will be, “No texting. If you want to talk to me, call me or see me in person.” I’m sick of this cyber, cell phone bullshit. Tell me your feelings face to face, or not at all.
After 6 months, he still was insensitive to the needs of my child with Down Syndrome, he never invited me and the kids anywhere, only me and it always hurt me. I wanted him to love me and the children, I dont think he is capable of that. He doesnt understand people with disabilities and I knew deep down we wouldnt have a future together. Im depressed though, I want to move on emotionally and get out of this rut.
Paula:
You had every right to expect him to accept your kids – they are a part of you and your choices affect them. If he loves you, it’s a package deal. But I know how you feel. My ex couldn’t accept the fact that I had kids and kept telling me he couldn’t see himself fitting in with my life. He never came to my house, I was always at his. So why do I stil give a crap about somebody who may not love my babies? Maybe because I’ve convinced myself if he would just make to effort to get to know them and how wonderful they are, he would love being a part of their lives. I don’t know. I still hold out hope he’ll contact me soon and tell me he wants to try. I must be nuts.
so ive liked this guy for 2 years, a lot….and he liked me back heaps, but we were 2 stupid 2 do anything bowt it, he made moves on me last year, but i rejected him because i had a lot of problems, yet we continued 2 like eachother. last month i finally did something about it…he didnt respond to it because he wanted me 2 say somthing 2 him directly, and the 1 time he tried 2 talk 2 me all he said was hi and walked away before i could even respond…and now hes starting something with another girl, who every1 says is less nicer and prettier, yet she says they are getting close, i always see them walking together and feel like someone has just punched me in the face and torn out my heart……..i feel stupid, useless and rejected. He told so many people he liked me, which is y this is so confusing 4 me, none of my friends like him anymore 4 wat hes done 2 me but i cant help but feel like i still want him, i always catch him looking at me but when i do he pretends 2 b looking elsewhere……..i wish he wud jst leave me alone and respect me enough 2 not rub the rejection in my face. ive never experianced this before…and i hate it.
My ex, is now started to tease and bully me about my dreams, all I want is to be a firie and he called me unfit!
So I started to date this guy. I never thought that I could fall for him but it happened. At first, we had some offs and ons but then November 11, 2008, we got back together and things were great. I was so happy to finally find someone who loves me for me! (I’m not the prettiest girl, I’ve come to realize this.) So, things were going great. January, he proposed to me, and just like that, we were engaged. My parents don’t know, since they didn’t like him, and we were both 17. In March, his dad (who’s in the Army) got orders to move to El Paso, Texas. My fiance told me that he had to move with him, since he wasn’t 18 yet and that he didn’t think we should do the whole long-distance thing because he’s a very physical person and he didn’t think we could last. But I convinced that we could, because our love was strong enough. His last day in Georgia, we had sex. Then he moved. During the summer I moved to Kansas. We were doing pretty good with the long distance thing..or so I thought. Sometime in August he broke up with me, telling me that he couldn’t handle the distance but he still loves me. I offered to save up and move down there but he didn’t want me to drop out of college for him. He said that in two years, if he hasn’t moved on and found someone else, then we could be together again. I cried, and kept fighting to keep us together but nothing I did worked. We kept talking though, on the phone and stuff like normal. But he’d mention some new girl he liked or something and I’d get jealous, and we’d fight, and the next day we’d be ok agian. But it was like a roller coaster. So he told me to move on and forget him. I can’t. He told me not to call/text/online message him ever agian for two years. His way of “forcing” me to move on. Now I can’t stop crying, it hurts so much. ]:
Map, I know you hurt but just know that if he is talking about new girls and so on, he may be ready to move on himself and he wants you to do the same. Nothing hurts like a broken heart, I can testify to that! I hope you are able to come to some realization that you deserve more and someone that is closer to you in proximity so you can enjoy things to do and develop that closeness like a relationship should be about. Take care and know you are thought of (by a stranger) during this difficult time.
I have struggled with my relationship, as I wrote on Sept. 7 about. We are back together for now but not sure how long it will last. Last night we went out and it was great, but the fact that we dont have much to look forward to hurts me, because he says I will always be caring for my son with a disability. He has an ignorance about him when it comes to this area for sure. Im sorta looking around for something better for my family. Write if you need me.
Spedteach67@yahoo.com
Paula
Hey everyone. I am really needing help on best way to get through this. My bf and I of 5 1/2 years broke up almost two weeks ago. We loved each other so much but started drifting because our personalities started colliding more and more. He ended is saying we just couldnt get past that but he wanted more than anything for it to work. We were suppossed to move in together this weekend so its been very hard for me. I was extremely close with his friends and family and feel like I have lost everything. I have great friends and family but I still feel all alone because everyone around me is so happy and moving on with their lives while I am just stuck here. Now, my roommates moving out now and I just got the flu so no one can help me move and I have to be here all alone this week, packing, not being able to go to work, and thats it. I was starting to feel better but now I do not know how to get myself to start packing and stop freaking out about everything and being alone. Some advice to make me feel a little better would be good. All I keep thinking about is the good times, we just got back from an amazing trip to mexico 2 weeks ago. I know its for the best but I miss my best friend who I told everything to, all my great friends and pretty much my second family.
I was with a guy for two months but it was a long distance relationship he lived in long island & i live in new york & we saw each other twice dutring the relationship we met each other through a very close friend of mines & during our two month relationship we went through a lot of ups & downs but for some reason i fell in love with this guy who happened to be two yrs younger than me we broke up bcuz i found out he was cheating on me & when i approached him about it he broke up with me & he told me he had feelings for the other girl this happened about a month ago & i still don’t want to let go & i honestly don’t understand why bcuz i agree with everyone who gives me advice & tells me it was just a two month relationship & wit the amount of times we would see each other it was bound to go down hill plz comment & give me ur opinion on my situation thx
Hello. I would like to share my situation because from what Ive read on here so many people seem to be in similar ones. I had a relationship come to an end at the end of May. Although this had been deteriorating for a couple of years now, we went from living with each other for 7 years, then she moved out (Im still at the same place, which was hers originally, thats very difficult) and the last 3 have been off and on with last year being mostly off. Well aparently she had been “getting over me” the last year and I had done the opposite, I built it up in my head that it will all work out and we’re destined for each other. Then reality crashed in on me when i got the phone call saying she moved to another state with her new man and she was in love. I wasnt shocked, at first, because I new I was just sitting around waiting, but then it hit me soon after. The last 4 months have been a living nightmare, although it has gotten better, the pain and suffering is still tremendous. Im in the same boat as many of you that, we both still love each other, we just couldnt make it work. There is no animosity. We spoke once a week for the first 2 months and they were great conversations, nothing inappropriate, but it had to stop out of respect to her new relationship. I havent talked to her in 5 weeks, it feels like a year. Im doing everything to overcome the pain, volunteering, therapy, meditation, jogging, writing, hanging out with friends constantly, Im much closer to my family now, but its still so difficult. I cant lose her as a friend, she’s too special. I would just like a “hello, hope you are well” text or something. Im afraid I will never find anyone else like her. I want her to be happy, but then I want her to come back. Ugggh. I hope everyone overcomes their suffering and has happiness again.
Hi guys, I’m sitting here completely devastated and I hope that as I continue to read your stores maybe I will feel like the insanity in my life somehow makes sense. I was with my boyfriend for a little over 9 years. We started dating when I was 14 and just never left. I grew up with him and he’s my best friend. We have been living together for the past 3 years and last month he left me. I have no idea what to do with myself. I love him more then anyone else in the world and I don’t even have a lot of family of my own. Like a lot of you guys we did not end on bad terms and I feel like I have no real reason to hate him. I wish I could though because maybe I could get over the love I feel for him. I wake up some days and I wish that I could just breathe again. Every minute of every freaking day I wonder what I could have done differently and just wish that he would come back home because I am so lonely without him. Every time I hear the doorbell or the phone ring or I check my e-mail I wish that he would just contact me and I cant stand this pain anymore.
Hey guys its me again plz give me some advice on my situation… some nights like today i feel lost & can’t help it but to think about him
To everyone who has posted to this site–hang in there and don’t give up. I hope that relating your story, and the knowledge that there are so many other people who are going through the same ordeal you’re facing, are both cathartic and help relieve a little of your pain, if only temporarily. There are no quick fixes for a broken heart, but I think you should try to take advantage of anything that makes yourself feel better, especially during those really acute first few months after a breakup.
I realize that these ideas won’t work for everybody, but I wanted to pass along three things that have given me at least a little comfort as I’ve struggled through the summer (my ex ended our relationship in May):
1. The book, “Letting Go: A 12-Week Personal Action Program to Overcome a Broken Heart”, by Zev Wanderer. There are lots of self-help books out there; some may be better than this, and for sure my heart is nowhere close to being healed after just 12 weeks, but this book DOES present some useful tips that can speed the healing process, and does it in a systematic, ordered fashion.
2. I started attending a Divorce Care class on Sunday evenings at my church. If your church doesn’t offer classes like this (my church calls it a “discipleship class”), check around your community. You don’t have to be a member of the sponsoring church to enroll in the course, at least in the class I’m taking, so hopefully your community will offer similar resources.
3. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your breakup and finding it hard to function, don’t be ashamed to see a counselor and have him or your physician prescribe an antidepressant. Once your brain chemistry gets screwed up it’s much, much harder to get out of the pit of depression without some help. I’m not a physician and hesitate to recommend a specific drug, but I will say that in times past I’ve tried several of the currently popular SSRI’s, and almost all of them gave me headaches and made it hard (or should I say HARDER) to sleep. I’ve been taking amitriptylin (generic for Elavil) for the past month and can tell it’s helping. No headaches, but it does make you sleep.
My $0.02 worth, maybe one of these suggestions will help someone. God bless you all!
Terry,
You gave some real helpful info. THanks so much. Sounds like you are on the right track for healing your broken heart. Take care and Ill say a prayer for you.
Paula
Terry, thank you for the advise. I know time heals all wounds. I’v done all you said, except the book. Going to get it today. Hope everyone else is on the rode to recovery, and one day is able to take a chance at love again. Me included.
Maureen
All your stories, helps me to carry on with life. I am heartbroken as well and I have wished so many times that the pain would just go away because I have crying my eyes out for a while now. I still want to have another chance with him if it’s God’s will. I have been praying a lot and talking to friends because I know I am going to lose it if I don’t. Seeing that I am not alone in this kind of situation, helps me get through this break up somehow. It’s inspiring to know that one day perhaps I could get through it as well. I just have to be strong and have faith.
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