Step 8: Stomp Out Negative Thoughts
“I will never meet anyone else…”
“I can’t live without this person…”
“This keeps happening, what is wrong with me?”
“I’m not [smart, good, pretty, whatever] enough…”
Sound familiar?
Some psychologists have called the repeating negative voice “the gremlin”. Others describe it as a radio station playing a recurring song of self-limiting beliefs. After a break up, some of us obsess about what happened during the break-up- something he or she said, the place of the break up, the reasons we think it happened. And some of us obsess about ourselves – what we look like, what we act like, or something we think is deficient in ourselves. Recurring negative thoughts embed themselves in our subconscious and no matter how far from the truth they may be, these thoughts become our reality. Luckily, we can change this reality. In fact, in order to move forward from our heartbreak and heartache, we must change this reality. So, take those negative thoughts and stomp them out!
Exercise: Just asking yourself to ‘stop’ the negative thoughts generally is not sufficient to make that happen. To change your thinking, write out your recurring, negative thought and then flip it into a more realistic, positive thought. Why does this work? With enough repetition your mind starts referencing the positive thoughts instead of the repeating negative ones. It’s kind of like reprogramming your system to release the negativity. You have the option to use the form below or feel free to use a journal. We recommend doing this step in your journal daily.
Examples: 1) I will never get over this pain – The more likely outcome is that it with effort, this feeling will pass. 2) I will never find anyone like him/her – The more likely outcome is with so many incredible, wonderful people in the world, sooner or later I will find the one.
Tip: Start Positive thoughts with – “The more likely outcome is…” or “That’s not true because…” or “A more accurate way of seeing this is…”
Read and add your own comments below. When you’re ready…
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i got the call from my ex friend on thurs nite, weve been dating for the last 7 months. he feels does not want to date anyone right now……. He said that he was never good with long term relationships. my heart hurts…… dont know what to do…….. cant stop crying
m…I know exactly how you feel and it is the most painful thing in the world. I don’t know what I can say to make things better for you. I am going through the same thing so please know that I will listen and am here if and when u need to talk or need a distraction. please don’t hesitate, you don’t need to do this alone.
N…I just re-read what I wrote here a few days ago. It’s been 5 days since I contacted my ex. I make a ritual of putting flower stickers on my calendar every night to mark another day. I try to stay away from the “if onlys” but if I could do anything over, it would have been not contacting him for the first 6 weeks after our breakup. I literally begged him to talk to me…I found reasons to contact him and that only made things worse. My wisest friend said, “if you love someone, set him free. If he comes back to you, it was meant to be.” I know that my ex will not come back to me but I miss his friendship. But, deep down I know we will never be friends. I read this quote:
“True friendship is a choice you make. Both parties have to buy in on an equal basis. If you have to convince someone to be your friend, the concept of friendship falls apart. Like love, you cannot force it.”
Knowing him, he will never “buy in” because he told me that once he walks away, he never goes back. I just wish I didn’t miss him so much. The weekends are the worst.
rosemary1213…u feel exactly as I do. oh by the way this is N. I only wish it was six weeks in the future. I too realized that I lost my best friend and it absolutely kills my heart. and weekends are definitely the hardest, especially sundays because they were always our day. I’m hangin on by the skin of my teeth right now trying not to call him or email him. I’ve already dialed his number and started an email. I need help to be strong because I can’t do it on my own.
I had been dating my girlfriend for 2 years. We had a fight because of a friend she had, who called her a lot. She got mad at me for being jealous and decided she needed some time alone. After two weeks we saw each other again, and went back together. She was different tho, didn’t call me as much and avoided me some times. This went on for a month. Two days ago I called her to talk about her behavior, and what I had to do to make it work. Guess who picked up the phone her “friend”. Turns out they have been dating for 2 months and her whole family knew about it.
erminthon…I’m so sorry for what happened to you. I know it must hurt but you have to believe it’ll get better. It hurts now and honestly, will hurt for some time. but you have this site. and I’ve been fortunate enough to realize how much it helps. I’m here and willing listen and talk you through it.
I really a ppreciate it hnbn. and I know it’ll pass. I know I’ll get over it, but the pain is here now u know. I tried going out last night with some friends. We went to have dinner and I didn’t touch my food. I’m so depressed. I just want this to end. I want to smile again.
you will, but it will take time. you’re stronger than you think! stronger than me, I can’t even seem to leave my room, much less my house. if you’re sad you need to be sad. don’t try to suppress it and ignore it. it’ll just get worse. it’s scary, but tackle your emotions head-on. it’s going to be bad, I can’t lie. all I can say is that you aren’t the only one and it really helps to talk it out. even with a complete stranger (trust me, I know from experience). I’m here and know how you feel. please don’t hesitate.
u got facebook?
lol no I actually refuse to be on facebook. I think I’m the only 25 year old on the planet that doesn’t have an account
ok, u can still contact me at erminthon@live.com (this is for her! not anyone else)
To Kay
are you still in the same situation? how are you getting on? I’ve been reading through some of your comments and remember how nice it was to get your reply after I wrote on here. You had said your lover wanted to meet up again – how did that go? What has happened since then? I am interested to know truly I am.
My ex-lover has sometimes been very distant and they contacts me saying – you’ve been quiet? The other day he texted me very late at night and said he still thinks and cares about me!! – is he testing me? or teasing me – it is so frustrating to know what is going on in his head. He said he wanted to have a full relationship with someone else and knew I couldn’t offer him that – but even after all this time (3 + half months) I still cry for him and I do so love him – I shall never stop loving him – its absolute agony when I’ve seen him at work and we talk – like anyone else – but it hurts so much. He said that so much was still possible – like a cuddle, or I could visit him – but whenever I catch him on facebook he is in a hurry or busy – its like he pulls me in and then pushes me away – aaagggghhhhh it drives me so crazy!
In reguards to some of the comments I see on here, I have been dating a girl for the past year and half..We have atleast been intimate and even though she tells me and always has been upfront about that, we still developed feeling for one another. She doesn’t love herself and wants to work on her own issues and I can respect that. She has depression and blames it all on growing up as a twin. To be open to everyone since we are going through similar issues I will share something personal. I wasa diagnoised with bipolar but have been well for a while and accomplished alot. Anyhow, a couple months ago she told me she was interested in a guy at drop in center. I think she goes from guy to guy just to build up her self esteem and tear us down sometimes when ready to move on. Anyhow Im getting off the path of what to say. She She told me she did not have feelings for him anymore for weeks now. But that is because she used me for a crutch. I also found out she was messing around with him and me at the same time..So I went to get tested because she did have something and I turned out clean. So anyhow I wanted to stick to my word and noticed she has taken me for granted..ButI took her out to dinner for her birthday and she wasn’t used to being treat well from a guy. At dinner she decided to tell me she likes the guy again and I shold be jealous.
My heart stopped right there or it felt like it did. I just went on with the evening and she said let’s just rent a movie out so we can cuddle. So we did and went back to her place but after ten minutes I got up and decided to leave..TOld her I was tired. SO I got home and in the middle of the night I woke up and decided to call her out of the blue out of hurt and anger Im sure stems from love. I told her Happy Birthday again and the other guy(andy) could have her. She always says F–K you to me if I don’t agree with her so I said it for the hell of it out of anger and not thinking. She asked whyI was doing this and just told her because I don’t want to be hurt anymore. Then I said never to call me again. The truth is I do want her to call and realise she loves and misses me and I am her soulmate but I don’t think that will happen. I will do my best to become a better person from it though and not take this experience to the next relashionship if I do meet someone I want to be with.
We broke up December 12 and then had sex on decmember 20th. In that week I saw like three different versions of her. One where there was hope for us. She said in our talk December 20th that is was perception and was saying the same thing everytime, but I have txts to prove it. She was already in another relationship, and as of today is spending every waking moment with him since the day after we had sex, probablly before obviously, having sex with him without waiting or anything. This hurts so much. She had been flirting with her x husband and this other guy for a month and a half, maybe cheating. This guy and her are now in a full on relationship with her just days after me and her(jill). Has her convinced that they are psycally connected and that he is her angel here to save her and this other girl. To prove it, she told me that he was finishing her sentances at school when she was teaching. Are you kidding me, how could she fall for that ??ANd that Jill(my x) is my angel and her job is to save me and I am supposed to remain platonic-ally in love with her to take care of her and her kids. Now she is mad at me cause I said I was going to beet up this other guy. I am having a hard time not lashing out. I try not to, but I keep doing it. This guy is her student at her hair college. He also told her that when He graduates as her student, he is going to start his own hair college and have her run it. He has all kinds of money ( i dont ) because he got run over by a semi and is still recovering. she has been going out with him everynight with him, leaving her kids at home. He is spending all kinds of money on her. Something I could not do. We lived together. I dont get it. I loved her so and our relationship was great up til a point. When ever she was feeling down, I would buy her roses to lift her spirits, I cleaned the kitchen every night. I left her love notes all the time. I am very poetic and wrote her poems. I really put a lot of myself in this relationship to avoid past mistakes. I am not perfect. and when she would call me out on my imperfections. I would repond by trying to be better. I love her so much and dont understand any of this total turn around that she did on me. I am so lost and alone without her … I really thought she was the one. I am so sad ….. Is she crazy ?? What is going on with her ?? Why did she do this …. ???
lost
I feel the same pain but I know it’ll get better.Hope WE could overcome this soon.
I know what you’re all feeling. My boyfried left me after a year and a half tellinga me that he is confused and that even though he still loved me he can’t be in a relationship at the moment. i found about @(thanks to facebooki) that that same week(we broke up in december) he seeing another girl. Instead of feeling sorry for yourselves you must think positive and realise that they are the ones who are loosing and not us. and stop feeling sorry for yourselves.
I have been married for 13 years, 11 years ago my wife really hurt me. We used to go out with some single friends I made and she paid way more attention to one of my guy friends and used to disappear on the dance floor with him for hours, even slow dance. It cut me like a knife, but I didn’t want to seem jealous so I never said anything. Finally, one day I just exploded and went out and got her and said we are going home. We stopped going out and I have avoided that scene with her ever since. The thing is that she never felt she did anything wrong, and I just am haunted by her insensitivity and these events. Tonight, I just couldn’t sleep for some reason it just pops into my head and I have flashbacks of her with her head on this shoulder embraced on that dance floor and my heart just hurts anew. I have no idea how to leave these feelings behind. I have discussed this with her, and she has admitted that my “friend” was sending signals that he was interested in her and opening the door for an affair.. but of course that doesn’t make it any better. This happened so long ago.. I wish I could just figure out how to put it behind me.
It bother’s me that I’m a guy and feel just asw sensitive as the women on here. I just need someone to chat with via email as a friend. May it be a guy or girl please write me..I’m going through a hard time myself but just don’t know how to type it out or even feel like writing a book on here. It’s way to long for me to write. I’m a 36 yr old male in Michgan..Im not looking to try to pick up anyone here. Just a friend to make that knows the pain I am going through as well as they are.
Chefjp4u@aol.com
Thank you,
Jamie
an ex and i broke up a while ago. i lost my job my truck everything. so no matter what i do i see her face, rather its the clothes i wear my bed furntiure my tv. just everything i see reminds me off her and i cant stop crying i feel like im the only one who knows what im feeling and that im worthless and alone in this world.
I was told he doesn’t feel as much for me as he thinks he should. It was a very wonderful 7 month relationship, ending the weekend after the new year. His actions couldn’t have been more contradictory than his words, which is why it is so heartbreaking. We had fun. I know there is no other woman. Maybe he is a commitment-phobe, even though I never asked for any type of commitment. Idk. It was almost 6 weeks since our last contact. I emailed him a few days ago that I missed him. He emailed me back that he hopes I’m doing well. I’m miserable. I really think I lost someone I am suppose to be with. I go out, I go to work, but nothing brings pleasure anymore. I just go through the motions.
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