Step 8: Stomp Out Negative Thoughts
“I will never meet anyone else…”
“I can’t live without this person…”
“This keeps happening, what is wrong with me?”
“I’m not [smart, good, pretty, whatever] enough…”
Sound familiar?
Some psychologists have called the repeating negative voice “the gremlin”. Others describe it as a radio station playing a recurring song of self-limiting beliefs. After a break up, some of us obsess about what happened during the break-up- something he or she said, the place of the break up, the reasons we think it happened. And some of us obsess about ourselves including thoughts about what we look like, what we act like, or something we think is deficient within ourselves.
Recurring negative thoughts embed themselves in our subconscious and no matter how far from the truth they may be, these thoughts become our reality. Luckily, we can change this reality. In fact, in order to move forward from our heartbreak and heartache, we must change this reality. So, take those negative thoughts and stomp them out!
Exercise: Just asking yourself to ‘stop’ the negative thoughts generally is not sufficient enough to make that happen. To change your thinking, write out your recurring, negative thought and then flip it into a more realistic, positive thought. Why does this work? With enough repetition your mind starts referencing the positive thought instead of repeating the negative one. It’s kind of like reprogramming your system to release the negativity. You have the option to use the form below or feel free to use a journal. We recommend doing this step in your journal daily.
Examples: 1) I will never get over this pain – The more likely outcome is that it with effort, this feeling will pass. 2) I will never find anyone like him/her – The more likely outcome is with so many incredible, wonderful people in the world, sooner or later I will find the one.
Tip: Start Positive thoughts with – “The more likely outcome is…” or “That’s not true because…” or “A more accurate way of seeing this is…”
Read and add your own comments below. When you’re ready…
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Hi everyone…
I’ve been following this site for a month now… I feel like it has really helped me a lot, specially bc at the end of each step I get to read all these comments and it makes me feel like I’M NOT ALONE… For me its been 9 months since my ex broke up w me and I miss him every day… Every night right before I go to sleep I always think of him and I ask myself to pls dream of him so I can at least see him in my dreams (that makes me feel better the next day).
I’ve been keeping strong lately, I’m really starting to believe that maybe my ex wasn’t really the one for me.. We did have a great relationship, everything seemed so perfect and I still think that it can still be perfect if we tried again.
I haven’t moved on from this LOVE feeling I have for him, and I just wish he knew how much I really still love him… But I’m not gonna put myself down anymore and look like a fool to him and beg him to come to me.
Last Thursday I bumped into him and his family at a restaurant I was making reservations for my jobs holiday party and everyone had their significant other except him, which made me feel good bc now I know his not seeing anyone yet either… He really seemed curious about how I was doing, he told me I looked good and he got glossy eyes as we spoke… What does that mean? I wish he would fight for me, I wish he could come and show up on my path and tell me he loves me and that he always did… I need to stop dreaming and hoping for this, but I’m having faith that something good is coming my way. I crave for love, I crave for some one real to come my way and love me and treat me as good as I would to him!
Gata,
Someone is in your future. I don’t know if it’s your ex or not but you will have love in your life again. Trust that. I am heartbroken also but I’ve been working on it day by day. Sometimes it hurts so much I just can’t take it. Mostly it’s the negative thoughts. I broke up w/my fiancee on Thanksgiving. I have to believe I deserve more than what he was giving me. I was blind sided by his lies and charm, it makes me sick. I will pray you find love again.
Hello friends…I have been heartbroken since November but was in a good spot of letting go of my ex because of this wonderful website. I had just completed step four: Jealousy be gone. Than it happened; my ex started drunk texting me. Prior to the text messages, I had heard he was living with another woman two weeks after we split. Long story short, I guess he saw me driving down the road and he finally felt some type of pain. So the texting started. This threw me for a loop and a huge arguement and a confrontation with him and his new love. I won’t go into all the details, but I am just hurt and angry that I got caught up in all of it again. The one thing I can say is that I have this website to help me regain my spirit and guide me into a positive state of mind. The text messaging and his new love has hurt me badly…but I have a secret weapon called healmybrokenheart.com. Thanks Amelie
The emptiness I feel during this holiday time is overwhelming. I am just getting started, however, it is still fresh in my heart. Letting go and making these changes after a 9 yr. relationship is still proving challenging. Those last words he spoke to me still ring in my ear: “I only had sex with you to see if I still care for you, and I discovered that I don’t” I relish the times of wholeness that I do experience, yet often comes the grey cloud and those words that ring so strong in my mind. It is then the fight starts. I am slowly listening to the insights Amelie is sharing. Sometimes I can identify with them, and other times I feel in a fog. This holiday season seems to exacerbate what I am feeling.
Helen,
Sorry for your pain. I too was in a long term relationship, but please don’t give up. I know what he said must have hurt to no end but… unfortunately sometimes we need to feel pain in order to move on. To wake us up and notice that this person is not for you, any longer. But, you can overcome this, but staying busy… reach out to one or two of your best friends, for support. If you belief in a supreme being this is the time you really need to reach out.
Although I’m not a person who goes to church every week. I did find the need to reach out to God because the pain I was feeling was a bit too much for me to bear…. it’s been three months since my break up and I thank the good Lord for helping me. I still experience challenges but, I’m a lot better then before. I am moving out of my apartment (he lives in the same complex as I do). This is my time to heal and get in touch with myself. It’s lonely at times… but I know this too shall pass. One day I will be ready to date and I will have someone who deserve me, and you too will find someone who will be for you. I know it’s hard now with the holiday seasons…just keep on track and read what Amelie is sharing with you… it does help. Also, I’ve read a book by Marianne Williamson named “A Return to Love” which has also helped me with getting over my 15 year relationship.
Keep the faith!
Hi all, I just wanted to share something with you that I hope will help you on your road to recoveries. When my ex split up with me over 5 years ago I starting doing this. I would have negative thoughts that would make me feel bad and then because I felt bad I would think bad too. I used to flip my negative thoughts, id say in my head “I hear you but the positive or reality to that comment is…..” Trust me, it really helped me on the road to recovery. I used other things too but this exercise had a profound affect on my well-being.
Don’t be so hard on yourselves and take heart that a complete stranger cares enough about your well-being to share something that they hope will make a difference. I hope you find inner happiness that doesn’t rely on a partner to make you feel better. Be your own best friend and take care of yourselves whilst you grieve. My heart goes out to you all.
Great Post Katherine, I find that the positive twist to a negative thought has helped me as well. Its been 2 1/2 months since my wife of 22 years is out of my life and the negative thoughts were overwhelming me. I still find myself thinking of her nigth and day. She is now dating someone she met 4 weeks ago and I still wonder how someone could have feeeing this quick for another individual.
Hi Raul
I can really identify with you! My husband of 20 years had an affair and I packed his bags for him in May (he is not with the woman however). I felt my whole future was gone, it was really scary! I am amazed at how quickly he has made a new life for himself and also ,when I allow myself to think about it, very very hurt. I have come to realise that thinking about him is not doing me any good at all and I have started to focus on what I want in life. I recommend you read ‘The Secret’ as well as completing the stages with Amelie – they compliment each other really well.
I still have my ups and downs, it takes great faith to get through it but we all must believe that the Universe has given us the nudge we needed and that we are on the right course now and great things will come into our lives, I am now so sure of this and you will be too!
Holding you in the light – Debbie
Well, this site has been a true blessing. A month ago my boyfriend told me he was not going to stop getting girls numbers and they were just his friends. I started yelling and flailing my arms and I guess I hit him accidentally. He proceeded to beat me mercilessly and threw me out his house with my clothes barely on. I called and begged him day after day but he ignored my calls, text, and door knocks. Then on our two year anniversary he blocked my phone number. So I went to his school he still wouldn’t talk to me. Then I followed him home and at his house he said he was done and if I didn’t stop he would get a restraining order. Then he slammed the door in my face as his family laughed. I was broken, but by God’s grace I didn’t kill myself or hurt someone else. Thank you, its been a month and though its hard you guys keep me going.
Hello Diamond, reading your story reminds me of my “Ex”. He had a couple of “friends” that he was texting and calling. He told me to stop being jealous of them, because they were just friends. I tried to believe him, but my gut feelings kept telling me something was wrong. I wanted to believe the good in him, all it end up doing was draining me. The night we got into it, he was drunk and he cursed and yelled at me. Now he had never done this before, so it scared the scrap out of me and then the thought of me not being with him anymore – I panicked and I started to cry and beg and ask him to forgive me. That only made it worse, he told me it was over and to get out of his apartment. Then something clicked in me – I don’t know what, but I asked myself what was I doing? I went to the living room, while he passed out from drinking so much. I went through his phone and I felt like someone ripped my heart from my chest. All my gut feelings had been confirmed – I cried a little and then I got up and packed all of my stuff and walked out that night. It hasn’t been easy, because I loved him so much. But I also know that I deserve to be treated with respect. Since he is out of my life now, I noticed that I feel better – that I am not drained like I was when I was with him.
So, my point for you Diamond – you deserve to be treated with respect and someone who really loves and cares for you. Because someone who truly loves you, wouldn’t hurt you like that….emotionally or physically. I am glad that you didn’t hurt yourself or someone else. He is not worth it….also, what comes around goes around – you might not get to see it, and it might not be right away – but it does happen. But you let karma take are of that – you have to focus on yourself right now. I know that is the hardest thing to do right now. Believe me – I have gone back with my “ex” a couple of times before, on the basis of “what if he changed this time”. Don’t they change…..all he did was use me. The hardest part for me has been finally accepting him for who he really is, I knew this deep down inside….but I never wanted to face the truth or accept it. Because i never thought he would do this to me.
So, you hang in there, ok? It will get better, I promise you, Diamond…..keep the faith.
Thank you for your kind response. I still miss him but I’m trying to listen to my mind. In the month I haven’t heard from him. That hurts. But I keep taking it day by day.
Hello, Diamond – how are you doing?
Yes, I know it hurts – if i think about him with someone else, I notice that I panic and I want to go and check on him. But then I remember that night and how I felt, I don’t want to feel that way again – that was an awful night.
Yes, not hearing from him – hurts like hell…because you don’t want to be the one to reach out to him first. So, your hoping that he will and when that doesn’t happen – you get to thinking, how he could be so cold and so discounted from you, while your in pain right now.
I have to say, Diamond – I am very proud of you, that you have stayed strong and you have been taking it day by day.
I will tell you from past experience with my Ex – when I broke down and had to see, e-mail or call him, I felt awful afterward. I wanted to think I could handle it and it wouldn’t bother me….but it caught up with me. So, stay strong and take care of yourself.
I am proud of you too. I wish you all the best. God bless.
I am just 1 mth into to this mess, I know in my head it was not a healthy relationship, emotionally it took all of my self convidence, I would stay home on the weekends afraid to go out because he said maybe he’d make ot over, I stopped living my life, well 5 years later and too amny break up and lets try again to count I’m here.
Came home from work checked my voice mail and there he was, leaving me a message on my machine…I was/am so angry, I deserved better, It shows me his lack of respect , love and compassion. In my head I know I am far better off, just tell my heart. I have to break the thoughts that I “need” him
I am a srong woman and will be OK, this program has helped, sometimes when i don’t think I can do it, I say YES, I can. I am ME, and he’s the one that will regret his behavior. Me I’ll become strong agian and find me again.
So love and peace of heart and mind to all. we can make it thru this pain and grief togther.
EYES WIDE SHUT
I provided the stable base,
while you lived a life 2 faced.
I gave my love exclusively,
while you lusted deceitfully.
I believed you were my soul mate,
while you looked for fresh bait.
My whole heart I openly gave,
while your actions drove me close to my grave.
I was blinded by a sense of belonging,
never saw the dark side of you coming.
My eyes are now wide open,
as you gaze into another’s.
I will live a life of honesty,
as you are not my destiny.
Bon – wow….what you wrote is so powerful and so true. Thank-you for sharing.
I want to share my progress! Yesterday I saw him…..we shared a long gaze then he looked way. He said nothing and neither did I. Instead of chasing after him or tryna get back with him something stopped me!!! I hope this gives hope to everyone out there. One day it WILL get better and you WON’T feel as bad. Fight your urges! God Bless!
Wow Diamond.. you have come a long way in a short period of time. As a new comer to this course and website, this really encourages me and gives me hope.
You will suceed!!!! Just takes time. Good luck and welcome
Hi.
It’s encouraging to read all your comments. I was in an unhealthy relationship for almost 3 years. I have ended it now and have been extremely upset and in emotional pain for a month.
Yesterday he phoned me and I was weak enough to speak to him for a few minutes. It set me back considerably but I’m determined to keep working throught this programme as it is helping.
Carol
I am right there with you Carol. I got an email today and he sent me pictures of his new nephew. I wanted desperately to write back to see how he is doing and congratulate him, but I know it will make me feel 10 x worse, and I am just now finally feeling like I am making progress. I just keep reminding myself that its only a month that I promised to keep my space. I’m hoping I give myself even longer than that, but it just helps having a set amount of time to wait.
Hello everyone. I’m just beginning my process of recovering from the end of a two and a half year relationship. I guess this process is made more difficult because I also experienced a divorce (6 years total together) about seven years ago. It seems that no matter how carefully I choose … and how open and understanding I am … I keep getting used and then left. I’m trying to hold it together, but I thought this was my “second chance”. You know, the one that they always tell you is out there after you experience a devastating loss. Now it seems as if I have to heal these wounds … and the old ones that have been ripped open again. Any comments or suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.
Okay, lots to share today! Thank you all for being here, listening and sharing. It really means a lot to me and has had a huge impact on my healing process.
Bon – That was amazing and accurate. Thank you!
Tryingtoheal – Thank you for sharing. I was hoping you might be able to share more. I just went through the same situation you describe except that it’s the second time, there was a physical altercation, and I asked him to leave. But I felt and did exactly what you described. I’ve been struggling with not taking him back again and can’t decide if I’m missing out on an amazing opportunity to have an amazing life. Recently, the struggle was amplified. I have “visitation” rights to the dog we shared but recently communicated the 30 day rule and how I need complete space. He shared that he has entered therapy and asked if I would come. Firstly, I went back to square one with emotions and pain and said I couldn’t right now. And secondly, it really jarred the “take him back” thought because he put an action to his words about wanting to make a change…. I am now struggling even more… Can you share how you got past your struggle of taking him back?? I hope you read this and can share…I’m really confused and am fighting the YES man syndrome.
Chris – I was also previously in a 10 year relationship with 5 married years. This recent relationship was my second chance so-to-speak as well and I gave it my all, and am now working through the scorn, analyzing what I did wrong and why I keep seeing failure.
I realize that dwelling on unclear memories and addressing unclear problems isn’t the best use of my time, or productive in healing and moving forward…So I’ve put a slight spin on things and have a few beliefs I’ve embraced that have helped me with adjusting my thoughts. My disclaimer is that they’ve “helped”, not fixed or solved completely. I have lots of work to do….
1. I made it through this once before, I can do it again. At least this time I don’t have a name to change and a home to deal with and I can manage/limit communication better this time.
2. My favorite…. My life is like a book; with each passing chapter, the story gets better and better. Myself and my life were better after the divorce chapter closed, and as every other chapter has passed I’ve grown in a good way and life has always gotten better than before (although hard to see in the midst of adversity). There are many things I’ve learned and will carry forward, but I am certain that the next chapter will only get better and that I now have the opportunity with this experience to influence how good my story gets.
That’s why am I here and participating in this program.
Just my personal support but I hope it helps in some small way. You and your life will absolutely be better, just take time to see and appreciate even the small stuff.
The situation in Japan has really had a profound impact on my thoughts. I can easily counteract with my sorrow and what I say are “life is unbearable” thoughts by looking the all those families in and affected by this disaster. When you talk about worse possible case scenarios and adversity…I’ve got nothing on them, and my rash emotion and heart just melt. My setbacks are minuscule in comparison, and there are many others who should be getting my attention, love and energy…Namely my family!
Thanks again everyone! As my dad always says, “Keep on truckin’…We will get there!”
Hello, CCBH….first of all – I am sooo sorry for not responding sooner. Where do I start? Well, i re-read my posting from the past and I am ashamed to say, that I had went back to my “ex” again. This makes it the 3rd time, I’m sad to say. But I think this time it clicked for good – why is this time different? Because I just don’t think that I want the change, I feel it – I want to break this pattern. Before I waste anymore of my time on this idiot – he will NEVER change.
You see, I knew that I needed to change and could say the right stuff and even got good at fooling myself. Deep down inside, I was hoping he would come back for me – if he did, that meant he really loved me, right? (Yeah, right – whatever!) But this time, I felt that I want to change. It still hurts, but I have done things way different this time. I stood up to him this time and I also told him to his face to never come back. That it was the last time he will ever use me or drain the life out of me. That I deserved more and that with God’s help – I was going to do just fine.
I started the 15-steps of healing again and DOING the exercises in the program. I think before I just wanted the pain to stop, so I rushed thru it all and didn’t really let the information sink in. This time around, I’m actually letting it sink in – if I didn’t understand or couldn’t focus on something, I would do it until I got it. I am trying to focus on me and trying to believe in myself. Now, it’s not easy, but I did this to myself. Each time I go back, I open that door of pain. It also lets him know that he can take advantage of me and I’m ok with that. Well, I had enough – he had a chance to prove himself. He is nothing, but a liar, cheater, thief and only cares about himself – basicaly a lost soul. I am totally opposite of that, he seen that and took advantage of me. I wanted to help him change and thought if he seen the good in stuff that he would. I wanted to believe in him, so bad – because I did see some good in him. He told me that when I was with him, good things happen for him. He seen something in me, but he isn’t strong enought to have it. He can’t stay on that track for very long – it’s like he gets bored. He damaged me emotionally and mentally – but NO MORE! I am taking my life back.
CCBH – I hope this helps….
take care and know that your not alone
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