It sounds like you might actually be healing, and I’m so glad to hear that if so. I’m sad to say that I’m back here to start again after three months.

I was healing, getting lots better, and then…my ex and I got back together. We ran into each other at an after-work party and talked and talked. He asked me out for the next weekend. I was over the moon. Things really seemed to have changed and be different. Of course, that wasn’t true. Things were wonderful and then after about a month, our original issues came back. Work got really, really stressful for us both and a new boss came in who threatened to fire anyone breaking *any* of the work rules (I think he knew about us dating, which is strictly forbidden where I work, and was pointing the finger at us). So things became very hairy and he began pushing me away coldly. Again.

Stupidly, I didn’t take no for an answer (yes, I’m ashamed of this) and kept trying. I didn’t read his signals and just back off, because it was too hard. He would keep meeting me because he was too scared to hurt me again – which, believe me, felt terrible when I discovered recently. I did not want him to pity me and that definitely helped kill things for him, I think. This went on a couple of weeks and came to a head this last week. We had a wonderful dinner on Tuesday, but then suddenly, he quit responding to my emails. Very suddenly.

He has been seeing a therapist and I realized that right after his appointment was when he quit talking to me. I realized she must be getting him to see that this is unhealthy and we can’t go on like this. I hate to admit that, but she’s probably right. There is too much stress right now and we are both at risk of losing our jobs with this new guy. I tried to change departments but it didn’t work. Neither of us can afford to lose our job, so he made a choice and I can’t say it was the wrong one. Still, it happened very suddenly and here I am all over again.

We were supposed to go out last night. He cancelled with not much explanation. I knew it was coming and had felt it all week since he wasn’t replying to my messages or calls. That feeling was back in the pit of my stomach. Yesterday, he admitted that his therapist was making him realize this was all wrong, and that he just couldn’t do it. I acted a bit desperate and even showed up at his place, but he wouldn’t see me. He told me that we both needed to admit this was really over.

He has always come back eventually, as tryingtoheal understands – we had similar guys in that way. Yes, it was destructive for me and yes, I should have gotten angrier. Even he asked, “Why don’t you hate me?” Which made me feel lower…In the past I have gotten angry, but this time I really tried to make things work; I was just so darn happy to have him back. Big mistake.

So I’m still in a bit of shock right now. My healing process was interrupted so I have to begin it again. I must say that this time, I know I will get through it. It’s just sad, though – last time, there was some hope. This time, we are not even Facebook friends anymore (this was our main method of communication) and I can see in his eyes that he is done.

And yes, I wish I could get angry. He pulled me back in, after all. He was the one who asked me out and started us down that road. But in the end, it takes two and I willingly went and even chased him, sadly. Ugh. Have to come back from all of that.

So I hope you two are well on your way to healing and can share your success stories with us if you pop back in here again. I hate to be back having to heal again, but thank goodness for you guys and Amelie. I know I will get through it.

I want to thank-you for sharing the reason for no contact and why it works…it’s so true. But I have to say, sometimes, the urges are so overwhelming. I know they say, to keep your mind busy and that it will pass. Sometimes, I think there is something wrong with me – because it’s like the urge doesn’t go away. It comes in waves and some are so strong. Friday will be 3 weeks – goodness….never thought I could honestly say that before. In the past, I would always, e-mail or drive by his house (I felt like a stalker and that I was going crazy) or I would call his house. Man, I’ve done a lot of stupid things before…..BUT this time – it’s all different. Just wish, the healing would speed up – so it wouldn’t hurt so much.

Anyways…I hope your doing ok. Mmmm, I remember those days – when all I wanted was an apology from him and the truth. Some reason I thought hearing it from him, would change all of that. But Sasha, it doesn’t and you know what? I had to learn this for myself – NOBODY could convince me otherwise…..your friends, yeah they are upset. Do you know why? Because they really do care about you and they don’t want you to get hurt again. But we somehow convince ourselves that we seem to know better or they just don’t understand. I have to say, when he did come back around or made contact – deep down inside, I was happy and I still had hope that things would work out. So, when he came back and told me he was divorce…..I thought he did it because he wanted to be with me. How sad is that? A family broken because of stupidity. But remember – he lied to me from the start….I had no idea he was married, he even lied to his best friend. By the time I found out – I was hooked and yes, that is no excuse…I should have walked away. Do you know what excuse he used on me? He said, that if I knew he was married, I would have walked away…..so shame on him for not letting me make the decision from the start, when it would have been easier to have done that. (BTW – I found later, that she filed for the divorce, not him….like he told me. Man, all of the lies he told me and yet – I still cared for this jerk.) So, my point is Sasha – I fooled myself when he came back around. Telling myself I could handle it and I had everything under control. (Does that sound familiar?) But like I have said, YOU need to learn from all of this….you might even lose some friends over this…..but your true friends will be there for you…..I am here for you – because I’ve been there and done that.

So, take care Sasha and hope to hear from you soon.

EVERYTHING you wrote – is what I am feeling, so you are not alone my friend. I still haven’t made any contact, but what you said at the end – your doing all the right things and you just want the pain to go away…..God, I pray for this. I mean, come on – no contact, should make it easier. But it seems like as each day goes by, the urge to reach out to him is getting worse for me….like we have said in the past – it’s like a drug. I am tired of fighting this urge and I still cry for him and I don’t mean a couple of tears – I mean, really hard…to where I get a headache and my face is all red and my eyes so swollen. Then I start thinking – FOR WHAT!?

I too wonder if he finally broke down and went back to his ex wife – I mean, he is always looking for an easy way out. Last time he was over, he told he was falling behind his child support. (What am I suppose to do about that? I mean, he always somehow had money to gamble and buy booze and go eat out.) I was always helping him with stuff – helping him buy things for his apartment or splitting 1/2 of my groceries with him, I was always giving him advice and support in anyway I could….but he never appreciated me – he just used me and I think that’s what hurt the most. He came running to me after the divorce not because he wanted to be with me…..but because he needed me for support and here before I thought he was the one I needed. I still can’t believe that he can get up and look in the mirror everyday. How can someone do this and act like it was nothing? Heartless, I tell you.

Sadie – I know this is hard, but if I can do this – so can you. 1st, you need to stop looking at his work website to see what he’s up to…..and you need to stop trolling his ex wife’s website also. I know this is hard, but your damaging yourself by doing this. I have my ex’s cell phone number and e-mail – I know I should delete them, but I can’t seem to do that just yet. But I have not texted, called nor e-mailed him – I know if I reach out he will see that I am still weak and will try to come back to just use me again. Since he is divorce and has or had his own place – I have not drove by it. I won’t lie, it’s crossed my mind. I’m thinking my family and friends won’t know what I’m doing and what harm can this do….but who am I kidding? But I think of the past and I remember it did hurt afterward and I even felt worse after I did it. Also, I found his ex wife on FB and I use to go and look at it all the time before. She had marked that they were separated, when they were actually divorced….I seen the paperwork for myself. So, I was wondering why would she do that or did she forget to change it?! So, you see – your thinking of him far to often, because of going on the site to check up on him and his ex’s. Like I said, it’s not easy at all….but I can tell you, that I’ve done it your way and now this way – with completely cutting him out in every form that I can…..it’s still painful – but the way your doing it, is worse. I want you to heal…I want us to heal and move forward. We have to keep on fighting it – we have to believe in this program.

I am proud of all of the stuff your doing, that is a step in the right direction….I tried something new today – mediation. Today was my first night, but I think I will learn a lot from it and enjoy it also. I also want to learn how to play the guitar. So, I will check into that also.

We deserve so much more Sadie – so much more….we need to take care of ourselves first and the rest will fall in place, I do believe this. You hang in there girl and take care.

Yes, the demon voices, as I like to call them, are setting in. The ones who tell you he never loved you, that he’s already done with you – though sadly, there is a chance they are true, what they are relaly trying to convince you is that you are not lovable at your core. I know this because I have the same issue. That’s why we really can’t give up. Some part of us believes that we are ultimately not lovable and it’s why we put up with this.

I am not one to talk. My ex contacted me after I returned from my business trip and asked me to meet him tomorrow. “You know, just a friendly chat,” he says. Stupidly, I agreed. My friends are so mad they won’t even talk to me and I can’t blame them. “HOw can you go back again?” they ask. I don’t know…I guess…part of me hopes he’ll tell me the truth, say he’s sorry, etc. He’s spent the entire week saying this kind of thing through email but part of me wants to confront him. To ask him why. Not that I will get an answer.

Anyway, yes, I’m being stupid and hoping for something stupid and going to see him. Ugh. I’m even mad at myself. Still, I want to hear what he has to say for himself. Curiosity may kill the cat but I have to see it through. God, I hope that by tomorrow night I am not a total wreck of tears and I”m afraid I will be. Or worse, I’ll be blissfully happy because he will have convinced me yet again that things are different.

I guess I just didn’t expect him to ask me out of the blue. He has avoided it for months and I was so shocked he asked. So again, I’m hoping something is different but prepared to find out that probably nothing at all has changed.

Anyway, I hope you got sleep, Tryingtoheal. And it doesn’t matter how many people around us love us; we must first love ourselves. I found another website last night where the lady said something very intelligent: “the reason no contact has to work is not to convince your ex that you are interesting and possibly dating someone else (manipulation), but for you to convince YOURSELF that you are worth more than begging at this person’s feet. And if you break that, you will fall right back into begging, pleading and acting less than you’re worth. And you’re not ready for that.” She is right…we are all missing something deep inside or we wouldn’t have such a hard time with this.

And I think you learn to love yourself little by little, day by day by doing things other than thinking of your ex…reading a book, even…taking a class…traveling somewhere…getting away helped me a lot with my attitude.

So I’m going to stop thinking about him now and go on with my day! I wish you all well and hope things are going a bit better. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time…

Good luck-
xxS

Hey, Ed….how are you doing? I’m so proud of you – that is a big step. I can’t seem to do that just yet….I have put all of his stuff up in a tote. I have all of our old e-mails in a folder and I do not dare to open those up. As for the text and pictures on my phone – I still have them….put i don’t look at them either. Sounds silly, since i don’t look at them for the fear of the pain. I guess, I keep them – cause if I delete them, then it means the relationship never happen…so, I guess they are proof for me? But yet, someone who really hurt me this bad – didn’t really care for me to begin with….so, they really don’t mean anything do they?

It’s 2 in the morning and I’m having trouble sleeping. I would like to know this urge to reach out to my “ex” will stop – dang, why is it so hard?! I mean, he hasn’t thought twice about me…..he has moved, he doesn’t love me – so, why am I stuck? Seriously? Don’t worry, I haven’t made contact….but I hate feeling lonely. The thing is, I’m not alone…I have wonderful family and friends that care for me….but I still feel so alone.

I have a feeling he found someone or is trying to get back with his “ex-wife”……..how can someone just use another and never look back at the one they left behind – all broken, left to pick up the pieces and learn how to heal and start over again? What the heck!? How can he look at himself in the mirror? Yet, it’s taking every thing in me to fight this stupid urges. When will I stop crying for him? When will this hurting stop?

Ok, i think I’m done for tonight….I’ve cried and now I feel so tire, so maybe I can go to sleep now?

Sasha – i hope your doing ok, girl……

Ed – thank-you for letting me know how you deal with the anger, again so proud of you…..for that is a big step.

Night everyone….

I think some anger is fine, good actually, as long as you are just noticing it and not taking it out on anyone. Some people say that anger turned inward is depression. So if you notice that you’re feeling less depressed along with this feeling of anger, then you are making progress. Depression is debilitating, anger, on the other hand, you can use for motivation.

I noticed when I got angry at her for not giving me the time of day this time I started to really entertain the idea of taking steps to move on. So I did manage to delete all the old emails from two computers, one more to go. Next up all pictures on the phone, and computers…that might be a tough one.

Sadie – what you described your “ex” being your drug – that’s how I try to explain to people who really can’t understand why I do this to myself. I explained this a couple of weeks ago to a friend of mine – she is addicted to alcohol. When i explained that my “ex” is like her alcohol, she seemed to have a better understanding. I know my “ex’ is bad for me and nothing good will come from him. But when that need or desire hits u – it’s hard to walk away from it. One starts to think we can handle it and that we are in control and well, we all know how that goes – right?

This week has been better in deal or handling my feeling about my “ex”. But I notice that I am starting to feel anger – not just towards him but everyone else around me. I don’t like this – I know, I know…I need to go workout. I feel so drained when I get home from work. I am planning to change that – when I was with him…i was losing weight cause i was worried sick about what he was up to and trying to be a step ahead of him. Now that he is gone, well – i’ve went the opposite direction. So, I know i need to get a handle on this and soon.

I’ve still maintained no contact – 12 days, man the longest 12 days of my life…..and I haven’t heard or seen from him. Which is good, but to be honest it hurts also. I live in apt complex, so if I hear a vehicle or the main door open – my heart stops and I notice that I stop to listen and I even stopped breathing to hear if the footsteps will be heading towards my door. Can you believe this? When I notice that it’s not him – my heart aches. Seems silly…I know. But then what Sasha said is so true….about out “ex’s being screwed up and we have to be the stronger person. Pretty messed up isn’t it…but yet it’s so true. Thanks for the insight.

Sasha – did you apply for that new job? if so how did it go?

Ed – I am so sorry to hear about what happen….but you know what, sometimes we have to do something no matter what others tell us….it’s what we do after wards that matter. I’ve went back 3 times to my ex and all my friends told me i was making a mistake and you know what? It didn’t matter what they said, I had to learn it for myself. Yes, it very painful – i think i finally got it….but I finally accepted that I need to let go. Hopefully, you will be able to learn or accept it sooner then what it took me. You hang in there, Ed…we are here for you to help you through this….just like you have been for us.