Step 12: Working Backwards
Imagine for a moment that you were taking a road trip, but had no real destination in mind. You decide to leave for this trip with no map, no plan, and no route. You know the starting point and may have an idea about the destination, but every time there was an option like a 4-way stop or a fork in the road, it would be a source of confusion – even stress. Which way do I turn? What if I go the wrong way and waste my time?
Most of us would never leave on that trip without getting directions online or at least using a traditional map. Yet, ironically, many of us travel through the extended trip of life with no plan at all. It’s time to make a plan. Creating short and long term goals will provide you purpose, alleviate stress, and get you back on track to your better, brighter, future.
If you are thinking, “Hey, I did have goals, they just included my ex” - I understand. Now that this person is no longer there, the goals may seem irrelevant. I want to clarify something: goals are always relevant. During the course of life, when the unexpected happens, we benefit from the ability to revise our aspirations. Yes, a huge monkey wrench has been thrown into your path, but this is a challenge you are going to take on and overcome.
So, how do you go about setting new goals? When your life objectives are blurry in the short term, extend it out to the very long term and then work backwards. To clarify, I want you to think far, far into the future. Imagine this – you are 85 years old. You are grey, but still distinguished 
. You are sitting in your wicker rocking chair swaying to and fro whilst three young children - your grandchildren – sit quietly in your lap. Surrounding your feet are several other grand kids of varying ages. They all look up at you with curious eyes. They are anxious for the answer to their question, “Grandma(pa), what was your life like?” Answer their question in the exercise below. When you’re done, take the next step.
Read and add your own comments below. When you’re ready…
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Hi All, thank you so much for all of your comforting words. It has been a very difficult easter but I managed to have some nice moments. Feel quite selfish after reading about Amy’s family, I really hope they find the strength to support and comfort each other.
love Debbie
Hi All,
I hope everyone is keeping well on this site and people are coping well. I have been having a few weak moments myself. Its been 9.5months now and i wish i could say im not missing him anymore but i can’t. I miss him more and more as the day’s pass by. It’s got easier in the sense i can control my tears and i wont get upset in front of others but i still shed tears everyday. I wish I could stop missing and loving him now, i’m so tired of feeling this way. I rang him 2 weeks ago just to talk, i’v lost my best friend of 10 years but he never answered and called me back. I sent him a message Monday saying he needs to understand how much i’m hurting and how hard it is for me. It was a very heart felt message but he didn’t even bother to reply. I know i’m torturing myself by contacting him and not hearing back. I just wish he would just try understand how hard this is for me. I lost everything, everything we worked for and bought together, everything we set up in a home. He has it all and i’m back sharing a house with others with all my hopes and dreams gone.
I wish I could have one more chance. I don’t want to hurt like this anymore. I feel i’v done my time, my fair share of pain and loneliness.
Take care all. xx
Amy and all my girls –
Sorry that you are still struggling. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave to take all your pain and hurting away. It has to be hard especially because he has all of the things that you bought together. That is not fair, none of this seems fair. But you know what Amy, you have to take his silence as an answer to your questions. He has moved on, and I know how hard that is to hear, but hopefully it will help you start moving in that direction.
I was chatting to an old friend the other night, catching up on each other’s lives. She has been divorced twice, first one lasted 4 years, no kids. Second one was to the “love of her life” who obviously didn’t feel the same way about her. They divorced but she stayed single for 3 years thinking that they would reconcile. She finally realized that it would never be back to the way it was and moved on. I can tell that she is still hurt about it but seems much happier now that she has accepted it. It is so hard to get to that point but doesn’t it feel like something to strive for? For that place that you can finally be okay with the situation, that everything happens for a reason, and that you have more happy days than sad days? I can’t wait for those days.
My situation is the same as it has been. Excellent at times, unbelievably bad other times. This is so stupid but we had a bar fight last weekend! Over something totally stupid, miscommunication, such a terrible scene. He is all about drama and nonsense, and I need to choose myself and what I believe, not get drawn into it any longer. Bad part is that we are going on vacation together on Tuesday. Ugh I wish I had the guts to just call the whole vacation off but it is all prepaid and I feel that if I can just get through this I know for a fact that the next time he pulls his stupid crap I will be able to leave. Ugh I just need my confidence back!!! I know that he is absolutely no good for me, but I am so damn afraid of being alone I take the bad with the bad time and time again.
I hope that this note finds you all safe happy and well. Best of luck to you all, and Amy, I am thinking about you and praying for you to find the strength to start down your new path.
xoxo
Bonnie
Hi Bonnie, Amy & All
I understand what you say Amy about controlling the tears and reaching a point when you shed your tears in private.
I still have my bad days and I do sometimes think the healing process has begun. But I am in a terrible dilemma, my ex has begun to make contact with me again and I have known now for a few weeks that I have to go to his home town with my work (next weekend) so far I have managed not to tell him but I really do not know what I will do when I arrive, I am there for 3 nights, my head is telling me to leave him alone but my heart is telling me different, so me & you Bonnie are in very similar situations. I know if I contact him he will come to me and I do think this is the reason why emotionally that I am coping so well at the moment, I also know if I do make contact with him and when I come home if that contact stops again I will be right back at the beginning with all my emotions and I really do not think I can cope with it all again, it has been a very long & difficult 9 months and I really hope that common sense prevails and I leave him where he belongs. Take care all x
Ugh Debra – as much as I tell you to run for the hills, you have to make your own decision on whether to see him or not. Truthfully, I hope if you do see him that you will be able to see that things will never be the same after all this time and all this hurt. I wish mine would have just left me for good in the beginning. Even though we are together (loosely, on his terms, etc) I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. He has no committment or loyalty to me, even though he tells me that he is with me I never really feel comfortable. I truly would rather be heart-broken and lonely than in this terrible limbo. God bless you all, what a struggle this all is for what, men??? Nothing is more important than us – no man, no feelings, nothing. Take care of yourselves, protect yourselves, gain strength every day in knowing that you are on the right path now!!!
xoxo
Bonnie
Hi guys,
I became part of the “healmybrokenheart” family just yesterday and I have to say, this is one of the best use of my money.
I have had my heartbroken twice. The first time, I had no idea how to heal and did everything to numb the pain from running four marathons in one year to writing a book. If I had KNOWN about this website, I would have healed faster rather than let the pain drag on for years. I kept reopening the wound, over, and over, and over. For starters, I kept in contact with my EX.
I was with my first fiance for 11 years, five of those years long distance because of my career as a TV reporter. I knew my relationship was in trouble and I resigned from my job to save it. Two weeks later he broke up with me. I was devastated.
Two years after that incident, I meet someone else. And, he’s AMAZING. But, I was still grieving over the first fiance and couldn’t give him my full attention and love. Furthermore, I wasn’t entirely comfortable that he was going through a divorce and had children. Since I knew I was going to love this man completely, I would accept EVERYTHING about him. We did eventually get engaged. By the time, I fully gave my second fiance my heart, HIS heart moved on. I was crushed as this man changed me in a good way. He believed in me like no other and saw my potential. However, this same man, also lead another life that caused me to believe he cheated on me. I came across his emails. He denied it, but when we had a two month break, a woman contacted me and told me about their relationship. I didn’t think he was capable of doing that, considering he saw my pain as I was healing after my first break-up.
Well … I am determined I WILL love again. I know I will because I am healed from the first broken heart and I will not make the same mistakes this second time around. I am NOT going to contact him or respond to any emails, texts, or phone calls he may send to me. At this point, the relationship is toxic.
I have to trust in the process that there IS someone out there who is the RIGHT person for me. I am taking care of me. Last night, I went to service, this morning, I went to Yoga, and right now, I’m spending some quiet and alone time to reflect.
I’m really excited about the future. And, I’m excited for ALL of you guys too as we WILL love again and feel normal … soon.
Maureen
Hmm. Well I am not sure what to say. I am doing quite well myself. I had IBS at the time of my break-up (irritable bowel syndrome). I finally found a fabulous doctor. Which may have been sheer luck. I have spent many years with many doctors trying many solutions to the problem, to no avail. The doc I see now specializes in IBS, and has been very helpful.
However, he told me that I needed to get over my ex to get over the IBS. I was like – OK, um, how do I do that? I stumbled across this website on accident. After going to my favorite restaurant, and walking right out after the bartender, who I’ve known for 5 years, asked me if I have a boyfriend. So I came home, crying and googled for broken hearts, and here I am.
Since I have found this site, my IBS symptoms are pretty much gone. I keep a daily diary, and it’s real easy to tell that things have improved. I also feel fairly happy and optimistic. I hope that other people start to feel the same.
I don’t miss him at all! It’s great to be out from under his spell. What I am suffering from is having had very little life beyond my life with him. I was married 28 years and we had 3 wonderful sons together. My entire life was consumed by the life I had made with him. Now, I am struggling to even feel the desire to fill that void. Don’t want a repeat!!!!!LOL
Wow, Pam that is wonderful. I hope you are doing well.
Christina…
I had this after my breakup and it really helped my IBS…. I went in to clear the “rejection” and I ended up clearing the “rejection” from my childhood too. Not sure if its too late but google “mind detox”.
Amazing stuff and so is this program…I am really enjoying doing something constructive to get over the pain I feel.
What a fabulous post from Maureen….how are you doing? Hope you have moved on and are smiling again? XX
I am so grateful for all your comments. It’s been six weeks since I ended all contact with him. I still love him, but know it’s for the best. I don’t know how someone can tell you they love you more than they’ve loved any one else in their whole life and still break up with you.
Today would have been two weeks since it ended between me and my ex. Two weeks…i know that doesn’t seem like a lot, but it was for me. You see, this isn’t the first time we have ended things. The first time, I thought I was going to die from the pain. This time I am stronger, but I am still in pain every once in awhile. What I hate the most is the loneliness. Yes, I have been keeping busy and going out and visiting people….but that void is still there.
Anyways, he showed up today – I have something of his that he needed back. I was so angry to see him….I mean, come on – it had been two weeks of hard work to stop all of the communication and those stupid drive by his place and he shows up like nothing was wrong and we were still friends. All my hard work – it’s like it went down the drain or it was for nothing.
I just want to get over this pain and hurt……I want to be “me” again. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like that will ever happen again.
Tryingtoheal:
My heart reaches out to you. I understand that deep sense of loss and loneliness. My ex showed up after 15 months just to tell me he had someone else; and that the only reason he had sex with me was to discover if he had any feelings, and he discovered he had none. The feeling of being used by someone you had a 9 yr. relationship with is beyond compare. Like yourself, I am finding it a challenge filling the void. I am involved in reaching out to others, however, at the end of the day when I am home with myself, waves of pain, heartbreak, and betrayal sweep over me. Sometimes when I am listening to the problems of others, I think to myself, how fortunate I am, because there are others who are experiencing some very serious problems in life: i.e., cancer recovery; loss of job, family and homes. Yet, this loss is similar to the death of a loved one. You know that there is nothing that you can do, however, you wish you could. There are times I wish I could be angry with him, however, what I feel for him is unconditional love. The times of thinking thoughts of ending it all come to be regularly. I work hard to fight those those, yet, at 63 yrs. of age, the reality of finding another person who is not only your dear friend, but one who you would want to spend the remaining of your life with, appears unrealistic.
Yes, I know how much you want to get over the pain and hurt. I too, want to be “me” again. My support network continues to affirm that the day will shine once more, and don’t give up. I guess, I just want to encourage you to hang in there, for there are others who have come through some painful experiences as we have.
Helen
Such a lovely post…
Hope the new year brings you happiness! Take care xx
Hi Sadie,
Well, I don’t think they can. At least, that’s waht I believe. Mine said that and then when i finally got this program and walked away and quit appearing so dependent, he came back in a small way. We are still staying away, as we know this is not a good moment to be together (he is still in the midst of a really nasty divorce), but there is now much mutual respect and the love is still there. So if it was really there, it’s like Amelie says, respect the whole relationship, know that he meant what he said when he said it, and know there must have been a reason for the end. Was there? Amelie says at one point that you probably really know why it ended if you let yourself admit it. Is it over forever? Who knows? If he really is the love of your life, it will somehow work out, but if you think on it you probably realize that there is a reason you are not together right now, even if it’s only temporary. And maybe it’s good for you too, however awful it feels right now. Maybe this is your chance to get you back and be a stronger person for next time you see him or for the true person you’re meant to be with, however impossible that is to imagine right now. You have to trust the process…
Hello, Helen….thank-you so much for reaching out to me and telling me your story. I don’t really don’t understand these jerks – so selfish, when we have given them all of us. I finally accepted the truth, this time around – my ex used me. I thought if I showed him, how good he could have it – that he would change. How stupid of me? I loved him so much and he knew this and yet, it didn’t phase him. How could I let someone so into my life and let him turn it upside down? How can these people look in the mirror and look back at the face staring at them?
I know that I am better off without him – I know this and I must move forward. Our lifestyles are different and I lost myself in him by trying to be something I’m not. He is a person that just gets up and go on the spur of the moment….I need a schedule or a plan. I guess that is what attracted me to him – I felt like I was dull and wanted a change. But oh, my – it was a high price for me to pay – my heart, my family and true friends. I pushed them all away – but yet they are the ones who are still here for me now….not him.
Yesterday was a hard day for me…….I am trying to be strong – but I feel so fake. New Year’s – why is it so important to have someone on this day – so, you can kiss when the new year comes in? I hate that – yeah, I know I don’t like it cause I didn’t/don’t have someone. I’m tired of being alone – I’m tired of people telling me the “right” one is around the corner….that this year it will change. I feel like something is wrong with me….he has made me feel like a reject and so low.
Helen, I feel the same way you do – I hear and see other people’s problems or issues and I am blessed compared to them. But I feel so ungrateful and I feel like if I don’t snap out of this and enjoy what I have, that I am going to regret it one day. But I feel like I have a piece of a puzzle missing and I don’t feel complete and I need or what that so bad. This is the second time going thought this program – I was almost over him and I had started seeing someone else and he came back into my life. *If there is anyone that is thinking of going back to your ex – please, please, please – think twice. If it didn’t work out the first time, more then likely it won’t work out the second time. I am stronger this time around, but it has set me back of where I could have been. Our minds paint this wonderful picture of how it could be and he or she really does love me – cause they wouldn’t come back, if they didn’t. The damage is already there – it’s like a vase, once it’s cracked….that’s always visible and can never be repaired, no matter how hard or how bad you try to ignore it.
Yes, Helen – it’s like a death and I don’t think people who hasn’t had their heart broken really understand this. They try to, but they just really don’t or can’t understand. Thank-you for your words of encouragement and reaching out to me – you have no idea how much this means to me. To have someone that really understands the pain of someone ripping/breaking one’s heart. You hang in there too, Helen!
Hi, S –
Thanks for what you wrote. It’s weird reading your post, because that’s exactly how I felt about 2 weeks ago. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.
Out of the blue, my ex did contact me. I had of course started moving on, just like you, and figured it was never going to happen. I thought I’d never hear from him again. Then, I did. He didn’t promise me anything, or ask to meet even, but the emailing started again and got more and more intense. He missed me, still didn’t want to get back where we were but really loved me, etc. Then, on Friday, I must not have been able to handle it because…I freaked out. Not even him, I’m the one. He was talking about his New Year’s plans and I assumed, wrongly as it turns out, that he was going out with someone else (sorry, but it sounded like it). I jumped to the conclusion that he was going with a woman, but I didn’t even ask. I told him it was too soon for me to be talking to him and this was too hard to hear that he was dating someone else…whoops. His response was, “Um…you could have asked me before assuming, but I understand. I am taking out my niece (who just lost her father a few days ago). I guess it’s just too soon for us to talk. This really hurts but I know you need a lot of space.”
Now, I’m sad all over again. He’s backed away and quit talking to me. It’s like I’ve lost him…yet again. And of course I feel it’s all my fault.
I guess, in my defense, that this guy broke my heart already and I’m probably a little gun shy. And he didn’t exactly ask me to meet or talk in person or anything…but still.
Be careful what you wish for. I guess like Amelie says elsewhere, “deep down you know there was a reason you broke up.”
Hi sasha!
Your post moved me…
Heartbreak is the worst feeling, worse than breavement and I’ve had both.
My ex is in loose contact with me too… Got a text at midnight on new years eve etc… I never texted him, just trying to move on but I love him…
I can totally understand why you got soo upset but if he truly cares about you, he’ll realise that it’s painful for you and get in contact again or give him space… Depends what you want, do you want to remain his friend or block him out of your life? Tough decision but that’s what it boils down too…
For me, I don’t want to imagine my life without him in it in same shape or form… However, I don’t think I could ever listen to him talking about a new woman… That would kill me…
At the moment, I’m just leaving him be and letting him get in touch, if he wants too…
It was five months on new years day… I was filling up at my parents house and mum said, what’s up… I said it may be five months and I’m doing so well in my recovery but l love this guy… No amount of time can erase that, it can only soften the heartbreak…
Have a hug from across the big pond… UK
Love becky
Ps that’ll be 10.30 in the morning here…
Hi, Becky –
Thanks so much for your post. I woke up to it this morning and it put me in a better mood than I would have been normally. Thank you for your kind words.
I didn’t add that I work with this guy. Today was the worst, because I am taking a week’s leave starting tomorrow but had to get through today with very few people in the office (most are on holiday). As luck would have it, he was one of the few. He tries to mainly avoid me, skulking about (I think it’s a bit of an act or more due to the nasty divorce he’s going through, which was also the ultimate reason for our breakup), but did attempt to send me a non-work-related email which I successfully avoided the first time. No contact until the afternoon, but I was the one who gave in. Sent a joke on top of the work email I had to send (Amelie says to avoid this in work situations, but I didn’t listen to “Space is Safe” and sent a joke). He responded with a joke back. I got sucked back in to the back and forth until he made a comment which made me realize he didn’t even remember I was going to be gone for a week. It hit me again that I”m not near the top of his list in terms of importance. And this is how it’s been, mostly.
You’ve said it all in terms of imagining your life without him. Only a week or two ago, my ex was letting me know he still envisions a future with me and will come for me “someday” when his divorce is final (yes – I can hear the eyes rolling!). I definitely fall into the “unhealthy” category Amelie mentions, as I was in an affair with him. It’s just so hard for me to understand. Supposedly, he’s still going through with his divorce, but just decided he couldn’t handle a relationship on top of it which is why we broke up.
ANyway, thanks for the sympathy and hugs, and back at you. How do you stay so strong and not respond back to the texts? Is it because you’ve decided they don’t mean as much as you want them to? I think that being in the same space with him day in and out is wearing me down and has ultimately really hurt our relationship. I’m trying for a transfer but they’re not easy to come by and I’m in a pretty good position right now. I think it might be the only thing that saves me, though. I’ve tried for ages to just “be strong,” and it’s clearly not working.
Hope that you are doing better than me…
Hugs,
S
Hi Sasha
Thanks for responding…
I know what you’re going through with working with your ex. I have had three relationships in work and I vow I won’t do it again… Easier said than done I know. My advice – how much do you love your job? If you do love your job, don’t let him ruin it… This is your career, your livelihood! Try and just be professional and don’t get into any banter with him other than work… You’ll manage it!!! Xx
With regards to me, I don’t ignore him messages, I could never do that. I’m just trying not to instigate a message to him. After all, he dumped me…
I still love him and I’d have him back ESP when there is NI concrete reason why we ended… However I do love me too… I’m try to move forward and trusting that the universe has a reason for me… As Amelie says in the workbook… “I’m beautiful and desirable and the best part of my life is yet to be written”! Xxx
Hello Sasha – I hope you stay strong girl. I too had an affair, but when I first met him – he told me he was divorced. Later I found out that he wasn’t….I should have walked away right then and there – but I thought he was my soul mate, we had so much in common – plus he told me that he didnt want to lose me and he knew that I would walk away if I knew he was still married – reason for the lie and he told me this sad story that he had been trying to get a divorce and yadda, yadda. Well, he did get a divorce and he came back for me and yes, I went back to him again. That the reason why I am back on here again.
Anyways, i thought it could work out and I had to find out for myself. Well, I could never trust him – if he could cheat on his wife and tell me that big lie – who is to say that he wouldn’t do that to me also? So, please be strong – this time around I am stronger, but it still hurts like hell. If I would have stayed away, I would have already been completely over him by now. Instead, I just prolonged the progress.
Now you ask do you ignore the texts? Well you said – “I got sucked back in to the back and forth until he made a comment which made me realize he didn’t even remember I was going to be gone for a week. It hit me again that I”m not near the top of his list in terms of importance. And this is how it’s been, mostly. ” The part you said, it hit you again that your not near the top of his list in terms of importance – this is why you should try to not text him back….cause how you feel afterwards. When one answers a text, we try not to get ahead of ourselves…..but honestly I think we are just giving ourselves false hope.
Well, that is my opinion and I know you will do what you have to do, because I know that what I had to do. Just trying to help – I learned the hard way….not fun recovering from it again.
Hang in there girl – you deserve to be treated with love and respect – we all do.
WOW, Tryingtoheal, thanks – you just described my story. EXACTLY, pretty much. He says he’ll come back for me, and I’m actually pretty convinced he will when it’s all said and done…but yes, big question, I know he’s lied to her and I’m sure he’s lied to me on more than one occasion. In fact, he’s admitted it (i.e., going to friends’ dinner parties with her because they have been keeping the divorce from their mutual friends until it’s final, yada yada) and not telling me she was going, because he “didn’t want to hurt me,” although I saw her FB picture from the party (true, she cut him out) and put 2 and 2 together…anyway, lies are too easy for these men and women. That’s the scary thing.
Wow, reading your post has helped me so much. SO much. “False hope” – yes, yes, that is it! You’ve hit the nail on the head. That’s exactly what I’m sitting here, miles away on this “holiday,” thinking to myself…Every time he throws me a bone and says he wants to come for me “eventually,” and still loves me, etc., and I fall for it then he pulls way back (because “oopsie,” he’s pulled me back in and doesn’t really want this right now).
What is so hard is admitting to yourself that it is possible to love someone deeply and not be loved the same way in return. Yes, this probably has more to do with our own issues (for me, I admit that this has to do with not believing I am worthy, etc.). We chase these people who shoo us away with words or actions, and it’s like a challenge to our self-esteem, and maybe we’re playing out childhood crap, etc. Either way, you said it: coming back each time is harder and harder. Like being an alcoholic, I imagine. Not even a sip. You can’t even have a sip. The texts mean nothing.
I realized the other night that if you’ve “lost” someone you never really had, then you’ve lost nothing in the end. Just an illusion.
I have to talk music for a sec here: “Fix You” by Coldplay has been getting me through. We probably all know it, but it’s got renewed meaning to someone in this situation, as long as they dedicate it to themselves
(“And high up above or down below/ when you’re too in love to let it go/ but if you never try, you’ll never know/ just what you’re worth…”). That, and if anyone wants a really sad, cry-it-out breakup song, “Goodbye My Lover” by James Blunt, about a guy who has to let someone go even though he’s obviously still convinced she’s perfect for him. Terribly sad, though.
Thank you so much, all of you. We are sharing the same pain and hearing that I’m not alone helps me, as I hope it helps all of you.
If anyone wants a distraction, I also recommend the adorable BBC series that made me really start to believe in love again (besides Amelie!): “Gavin and Stacey.” And no, I swear, I don’t work for any of these people!
Just sharing what has helped me.
Becky,
I replied to you as well earlier but I see it didn’t post properly.
Thank you so much for your kind words. And thanks, I do love my job but am in a way ready to move on. I’ve got an opportunity (moving far too slowly, though) and am pursuing it, so I hope it works out. Although yes, it would be a lot different from my current job and sadly, I loved my current job to bits before I made this fatal error.
I was coming out of a divorce myself, so I was particularly vulnerable and this man was someone who I admired a lot from having worked with him, and low as I was feeling, couldn’t believe he was as attracted to me as I was to him. It was like a high school crush. And then, we found out (and we never should have) that we had tons in common and yes, that “soul connection.” Ugh. Oh well. Apparently, it wasn’t enough to keep him with me in the end.
It’s worse when you have no clear reason, isn’t it? But there always is one. We just don’t want to see it.
That’s the hardest part. Even in my case, he was in the middle of leaving her – so why all of a sudden decide he couldn’t handle both at the same time? When we were supposedly so in love? It made no sense and I’ve been stalking pages of his female friends, yes, I admit it – to see if they are hanging out or if that’s the reason. Ugh. 
Time waster and drains my energy… 
So enough of that. I love your positive attitude. Ha, made me think of another inspirational song: “The Future is Unwritten” by Natasha Beddingfield. Yes, I’m a musician and work in the music industry, so I often think in song lyrics and am inspired by music.
And not always just mainstream pop, but that’s getting me by lately. I’d love to hear what songs get you all through, if you care to share…
Thanks for the support, and you are all right: we deserve better and will get through this.
Hi Sasha
Good to hear from you again.
If you think you’re ready for a change of direction in your job then five. Just wouldnt want to see you leave for the sake of him. He sounds pretty messed up and it’s probably the best thing you can do to stay away. Do you really want to be with someone who is not with you… In the moment, in the head etc… He has things he needs to deal with so let him. IF he meant anything he said to you, he’ll come back and he’ll need to cone back begging….:)
Positive… Hmm been down the last few days a bit. I’ve decided to go speed dating mainly to boast my confidence and to see what’s out there. I feel so odd about doing it because I still think of Andrew 24/7….
I am still so afraid of facing the future without him in it. I thought he was the one!! My soulmate…
Also, I don’t want to go through the dating game again… I wanted him….but he didn’t want me!!
Hey Ho,I’ll keep trying…
It’ll be six months on the first feb…
Sorry don’t think this post will help you.
Take care and think of number one! Xx
I have read a lot of other’s posts here and truly feel for what everyone is going through. Going through it myself in a bad way…and I’m the one who did the breaking up…a year ago. Well I realize I never moved on, just found distractions, none of which included another woman. In fact I haven’t dated at all. Something that has stuck out to me is that it requires a decision to move on…that’s what I am struggling with now. For some reason, I am not ready to truly admit that it is over. She says she has moved on, and is seeing someone else…I would think that would help me admit that it is over, but I’m still not there yet.
Another thing I wonder about is if one can truly put someone behind them until they fall in love with someone else. Of course everyone says “heal first”, and that’s what I’d like to do. But in my experience, it doesn’t seem like someone really moves on until they are with someone else. Since it’s been a year and I am still thinking about her, I’m thinking that it’s going to take a new relationship to move on.
Any thoughts?
Hiya, Becky.
(Speaking of, something I’m wondering: do folks really say “hiya” in North England? Is this common, as I’ve seen it on tv shows but am not sure if that’s just tv?)
Wow, thanks again for your very sage advice. It’s as if you know him! He’s warned me since we began falling in love that he has a mess to clear up and he knew he shouldn’t be getting involved. Well, we both fell hard and of course regretted it, and the mess chased us down. His soon-to-be-ex found out that he’d been involved with someone else a few weeks ago and flipped out, threatening to “clean him out.” The only problem with this really is that she is super good friends with his boss and we have a very strict “no-dating” policy at work (it’s a Japanese company and they take this very seriously, so nobody knows about us). His boss already hates him, so this would be bad if he found out (he’d certainly try and do both of us in.) Neither of us can afford any trouble at this time so we’ve been afraid of this from the start. Luckily, she didn’t find out who I was but I’m not very happy with the fact that he reacted so strongly to her finding out, and am pretty sure he is still attached to her, if not in love…attached is still just as bad.
Anyway, it is a huge mess and yes, I need to stay away no matter what happens. I’ve been trying for months but we get in stupid situations – last one was a colleague’s going-away party where we both drank too much and ended up declaring our love for each other via text and just staring at each other from across the room all night. Well, I need to avoid those situations at all cost now, and no more excuses. As lovely as it is to know he still somehow cares, he’s not at my side and makes excuses not to be. So it doesn’t mean anything in the end and I need to move on.
Speaking of, YES – you are doing the right thing, going out speed dating! Brava! I’ve taken dance classes and hot yoga and they are saving my life. The dance classes just ended, and yes I was hit on or asked to dance by quite a few guys some nights which felt great. Then again, it can hurt even more when someone does reject you so be prepared (it did happen to me, a guy refused to be my partner, ugh!), but mostly, be prepared to have your confidence boosted! Just getting out there is awesome. And yes, you will still think about him. The first night of my dance class I sat at the bar before class having a beer and tearing up over thinking of him. But it’s a long process and remember, step by step…
GOod luck with the speed dating and have FUN! I think you’ll find it will distract you for a while, at least. Tomorrow’s a big night for me as well: I’m going on my first hike with a new singles hiking group (my ex and I used to hike together every Sunday, which I miss terribly but can’t do on my own). I’m terrified, but remember: we don’t have to date just yet. We don’t have to find our forever, or replace these guys. Just put ourselves out there.
Baby steps… good luck!
Hi Ed,
Well, since I’m off work on vacation this week, I’m just posting like crazy.
But I liked what you said and a friend and I were just discussing this very thing. Apparently, she saw a film called “The Romantics” where the theme was basically the question you asked: do you ever fall out of love with someone, and can you move on in spite of this love, which may or may not go away? Do you just go through the motions of moving on even if you don’t feel it?
Sadly, I personally believe that it doesn’t always go away 100% (that’s where we get “the one who got away”) and that you can move on in spite of it. I have a friend who is finally over her ex and swears she feels less than nothing when he does text or call these days. She’s not even attracted to him anymore. That seems unreal and – yes, I admit – even awful when you are in the stage we are in of the breakup. But apparently, it’s quite possible. Although it doesn’t always happen and sometimes, you just have to accept that you may always feel something for that person.
Maybe you could finish this program and see if you are healed yet before looking for a new person? I think the reason we often fail to move on is that we haven’t filled our holes and our emptiness yet. You obviously made your decision for a reason (and many of us probably want to know, since we are the ones who were dumped for seemingly no good reason…
, and obviously things weren’t perfect or you wouldn’t have made it.
But as I’ve been thinking a lot lately, sometimes there is no good closure, no anger to propel you forward, no hatred. Sometimes…things just end and it just sucks. I guess, just trust the process and hope this program helps you. I’m not finished with it but it is helping a lot so far, and I have faith it will continue to help if I let it.
Good luck to you.
Hi Sasha,
Thanks for responding. I will have to get that movie, sounds interesting.
I can relate to “the one that got away feeling”. I think the only way to feel over someone 100% is that you have to feel like you are in a better place than you were when you were together. That can be with someone or not. As long as you are not happy and you feel like this person can make you happy, or at least take away some of your pain, then you are going to crave them. I’m speaking for myself of course…and things are not very clear right now for me.
Honestly our breakup was stupid. We got in an argument, and neither us wanted to admit to being wrong. One thing lead to another and here we are. Ok, maybe it was a little more complex than that. But I feel like such an idiot. I broke her heart and mine as well. God I hope I can learn from this experience.
I do realize I will have to do this whole program, and then see where I am. Sure am thankful I found this site.
Thanks again for your input Sasha.
Hi Sasha
Good to hear from you again
So what TV programme where you watching? Yes, we do say Hiya. I’m from the north of England too.
You sounded a lot better in your last post. Dance classes, excellent… I started Salsa classes on Wednesday night. I have wanted to learn to dance for years and sort, why not. It was really good fun. No hunks, but I’ll survive Ha! Ha!
Speed dating a week on Monday…
So what is hot yoga? Sounds interesting!
You said you work in the music industry, sounds like fun?! Do you get to meet anyone famous? As for music that is getting me through it, nothing is really. A lot of music I listen too stirs up memories. I have bought a few CD’s since we split so I can have a new sound… Currently listening to Greenday on my itunes… This doesn’t remind me of him, it reminds me of having a good time with my mate at their gig.
How did you get on with the singles hiking group?
How far on are you with the program. I’ve stopped at step 14 of the workbook as its called write your story. I scared to do so as it will make me think about him and it just hurts too much….
Becky x
Ed & Sasha
If you really loved someone moving on is a difficuly thing. I think the key is to appreciate that you had that person but it wasn’t meant to be. For some reason, you weren’t meant to be together. No, I don’t think you ever really get over someone. Its always there. I still dream of my teenage crush…how sad is that??
So I guess we all have to fill the emptiness with new things and start a relationship with ourselves. We need to work on ourselves to be happy from within. Now I want to share something someone sent me a few years ago. Its very powerful and I guess this is what our relationships have been. They came into our lives for a reason and perhaps a season and now we just have to figure out what it was….
“People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.”
I am finding moving on quit painful. I wonder why he would try to locate me after 15 months of total separation just to hurt me with the fact that he is still in love with his first love from 38 yrs ago, and to tell me that he no longer cares for me. He also found it necessary to tell me “you aren’t worth it” among several additional hurtful statements. Those statements rise up in my memory and haunt me, bringing me to tears and hurt. I am doing all I can to move on, yet I find myself crying at the most awkward times. I left my physician’s office the other day, and while waiting for the attendant to bring the car from Valet Parking, I began crying and shaking almost uncontrollably. By the time I got into the car to drive off, my face was wet with tears, and my eyes were swollen. There are times when I feel almost tormented with those hurting statements.
When I read comments from others who are going through this process, my heart aches for each one. No one should have endure such a brutal experience. I can understand when two people just can’t get along, but I don’t understand when a partner not only leaves you, but betrays you. It makes everything we shared together appear worthless. And the truth of the matter, I feel used, since he was still in love with her while proposing to me. These plans for our future were mutual. He never told me of his continued love for her during our long relationship. It was me he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and now he feels that I’m not worth it! I am trying to see the lessons I am to learn from this. I pray that they will become progressively clear as I walk through the process of recovery.
Hi Becky.
Glad to hear about the salsa! I’m thinking to renew my Lindy Hop dance class for tomorrow night. I really don’t have time to make all the sessions, but I figure it will help for the Sundays I am in town and feel like being sad.
You are doing so well, Becky! ALl of your activities and the Green Day – I hear you on that. Coldplay doesn’t remind me of him, but it does speak to my hopefulness at healing myself. Also, Mumford and Sons are absolutely getting me by right now. Their song “The Cave” is about someone who refuses to be drawn back into a back-and-forth relationship, who wants freedom and “to know my name as it’s called again.” Very powerful. And yeah, I work in a fun industry!
Thanks – the singles hiking was a bust.
There were some sweet guys there, but everyone was desperately seeking a mate, or seemed like it, and then two guys twice my age were being creepy and nonstop hitting on me, which made me uncomfortable and then just miss my ex. 
I met some nice women and a nice couple, but because of the creepy guys I just came home and cried and felt even more miserable than before. Also, hiking without my ex was just too hard for me right now. It was cool chatting with people, but nothing like the hours he and I spent on the trail, chatting it up and laughing the whole time. We just had that connection. It’s just not the same.
I made a decision and I’m not sure that it’s right, but I want to try it. I’m having a lot of trouble letting go, and since he hasn’t entirely shut the door on us, I’m starting to think of this “no contact” month as a time for me to get some space before contacting him again and trying to at least renew our friendship. Sure, we can’t really be friends, but as recently as a week ago he was letting me know he still loves me and because I wasn’t ready and hadn’t taken my space yet. I overreacted and thought he was dating (for all I know, he actually could be), and got upset and he ran away again. It just was a bit too soon for both of us, and he is still going through all of his drama. He told me he really couldn’t have any more on his plate right now.
Well, I’m not ready to give up. Maybe one day I finally will be, but part of me really still believes we are going to be together. He just has a lot to go through. So I have no intention of sitting/waiting around for this month, and it will still be hard, but my goal now is that at the end of the month I will try and see if he wants to at least hang out. I just really have to give it enough time this time so that I don’t freak out or panic like I did this last time. I need to make me a bit more whole again…lots of this has to do with me.
I hope this doesn’t sound totally crazy, but I just miss my friend and lover so much. It’s not that I don’t think I could find other guys, it’s just that I miss *him.*
And even last Monday, we were sending each other silly jokes back and forth. It was WAY too soon for that and it was stupid to be doing that; I should have cut it off, but it was some contact and I didn’t want to let it go. Even if all he was really sending were stupid jokes. This time, I will be strong, but I just have to believe that I will have my best friend and trail buddy back by the spring, at least slowly, as a friend, until more can happen. I’m not sure you can go back to that really, but I want to try. And we would obviously always be more than friends.
But that’s how I feel today…and I’m still hurting a lot. I’ve done the online portion almost entirely, but haven’t printed out the workbook. Yes, that sounds awfully scary and I too could not imagine writing that story without thinking of him. Wow! Maybe take a bit more time before doing it? You’ve inspired me to get this printed out and get it going.
Please keep me posted on how it’s going. Thanks for your “Seasons” post – very hard to hear right now, but very true. I can’t believe it just yet. Maybe I’m in denial, but I’m still believing the “lifetime” one at this point…
xxSasha
Helen – hello….are you the one that I became friends on Facebook?
You know, I feel exactly like you do right now. I don’t know when this pain is going to stop…..I am tired of feeling this way.
My “ex” paid me a visit on Wednesday – I wish he would just stay away from me. Every time he does this – it brings me down again. I never thought in a million years, he would come back – especially after his last visit and we exchanged words. As a matter of fact, while he was leaving – he was flipping me off and tell me “f-you”, because he was so mad at me.
The bad thing is, I can tell when he is going to come around. I can’t explain it, other then – I am still deeply connected with him – because i loved this man with all of my heart. I was at work on Wednesday and towards the end of my shift – I had this awful feeling come across. I texted a friend of mine and told him that something was wrong and that I didn’t feel good at all. When I got in my car – the feeling got worse. My friend texted me back and told me to take a deep breathe and I would be ok. I took his advice and tried it, but the feeling got worse. When I got home, I knew my “ex” had been there…plus he left me a note. He wanted to talk and he signed it “Love and then his name”. This man, seems to know just when I am feeling so lonely and I hate this. Because who in their right mind would want to be with someone who cheated and lies to them. So, I made the big mistake of seeing him again. I thought I could handle it and keep my guard up. Who am I fooling? Nobody else expect myself. He came over and we talked and nothing else happen, but he stay the night, but slept on the couch. In the morning, I could tell something was wrong or different from the night before. Like maybe he had a change in heart or maybe he seen that I was distance to a point. Anyways, no text from him on Thursday. Stupid me, texted him and asked him if he was ok. He said he was majorly depressed – he is having issues with his ex wife – custody battle for the kids and $ issues. So, I said, i understood and that he wanted to he could come over or I could go to his place to talk or maybe he could come over on Friday. He said no to Thursday night and he would let me know about Friday. I thought ok….well, Friday comes around and I don’t hear from him and again, I texted him. He told me that he was going to go to the dr and then see his minister and then he told me – that he needed space. LOL – I thought to myself, “stupid that is what you should have told him to begin with or honestly I should have told him to go away and never come back”. Seeing those words that he texted me – was like stabbing a knife into my heart again. I didn’t go looking for him – he is the one that keeps on coming back. I have this feeling he is gone for good – I can’t explain it. I texted him back and told him I understood and that it was for the best and to take care. I wanted to tell him off, but what for…just hold angry again? I cried all night on Friday and as I am typing this – the water work are flowing good.
What is wrong with me!? Seriously – this pain is to much to bare, so why do I fall apart when he come around? Part of me wanted to drive by his place….but I haven’t. I know that sounds like such a easy goal for some people….but that is a major goal for me not to do that. This man, is like a major drug for me and I can’t seem to kick this habit. I thought the day he flipped me off – that I would NEVER go back to him, no matter what. But I gave in again – WHY!? It’s like I am never going to learn – I know what I have to do…..and I do it, but then he come around and I crumble and all of my hard work is gone. I don’t know what to do anymore or don’t know how to move forward….how do I harden my heart to this jerk?! I know my friends are tired of this cycle and I don’t blame them. I feel like I deserve what I get, because I should know better by now. He is a selfish jerk.
Becky,
Thanks for sharing that.
Helen & Tryingtoheal, I had a really tough day too. Almost a constant obsession and that feeling that nothing in life has any meaning any more. I think when it gets like this, we need to take a step back and remember that we are not our thoughts. Just try to observe them and their associated feelings and that it’s normal for what we are going through. Also, nothing lasts forever…we have excellent proof of that now don’t we? What we are going through now will not last. Millions of people have been where we are and have gotten through it, so will we.
Hi Sasha
Do you find weekends a problem? I do… A and I had a long distance relationship which meant we only saw each other on a weekend. BUT those weekends were great. He would come down on a Friday and leave late on a Sunday. I now feel like I have to make plans for my weekends weeks in advance so I don’t have time to get upset…. Sad but true. I sometimes get very down on Friday nights but it is getting easier but I do have to keep busy.
The other thing I miss about A is cooking. I am a big foodie and so is he. We shared the same passion for food and it was incredible. We will dream up recipes together and cooking together was magic. I have always cooked for myself but cooking for someone else is wonderful…especially seeing them enjoying it. When we broke up I used to have panic attacks everytime I went to a supermarket… This has subsided but I did find myself crying in a deli a fortnight ago…Anyhow, my mate has promised to come by tonight so I can cook properly…
Wow Mumford & sons, I had no idea they had made it to the states…I love them! I got their album about 18 months ago and I have listened to it non stop. I never knew that the Cave was about that. I did A a copy too and at first he said he liked it and then said to me one day “oh youre not putting that on again…” Grr… Yep love them!
Do you have Take That over there? The Script? I’ve seen loads of bands… big music fan. Oh I ordered The Romantics from my DVD club last night….hope it doesn’t make me cry? Have you seen the notebook, thats a weepie?
Sorry that the singles hiking wasn’t very good. Do you not just have any walking groups over there? without the pressure of a dating walking group… don’t give up, being out in the fresh air is the best medicine. i have a dog so I have to keep going out. He’s currently laid accross my knee and making typing on my laptop a bit difficult..so excuse any random spelling mistakes… ha ha
No contact – everyone recommends this.. I did an e course called “How to get your ex back” when we split and they asked that you don’t contact them for a period of time. They explained that as long as you are still in contact you are still perhaps pushing and they are pulling away from you. Its an American course….Us Brits are pretty conservative and I couldn’t find anything decent over here to read etc…
Giving up – as long as we are still in loose contact I hope I will see him again. I really want to see him again… part of me feels that if he sees me again he will realise that he has made a mistake and the other part of me makes me think it may help me move on….Its really hard for me as he never gave me a reason why he wanted out…he just said he had a “but” and he wanted to concentrate on his job…bear in mind he had told me the week before that he loved me… when we broke up I said “I hope you find what you are looking for” and he said “what if I already have” and then proceeded to kiss me passionately. So I said if you feel like that why are you walking away and he said “it will make me ill, I want to concentrate on my job…” He then said “it could be the worse mistake of my life leaving you but then it could be the worse mistake of my life not leaving you”….hmm – how do you deal with that? I know he has some personal issues but he doesn’t seem to want to deal with them. So we went our seperate ways…BUT his mate dies back in November and he contacts me immediately…It did put be back a long way but I was flattered that he had contacted me. Over Christmas/new year I never intiated any contact and I got texts on midnight on both occassions… I sent that reason, season, lifetime around to friends last night and I included him in it….I’ll keep moving on but the door is never closed to him…I geniuenly believed he was “the one”, my “soulmate”. When we split he hurt me by saying to me…. “i’m not sure anymore if you are my soulmate, you could be but i’m just not sure…”
Yep you’re right, we miss out friend and lover…he was my best friend…I could share anything with him…
Do try the no contact part Sasha…give yourself some time to breathe…he needs space too from you and to clear his divorce shit…
Take care and keep in touch…shame its on here. If you want my e mail address its becky_hall76@btinternet.com
Happy to talk on here too just its public xxxx
Hello, Ed –
Thank-you so much for your kind words and support. Like I said, I can’t really go back to my friends now. I’m embarrassed, I should be farther in this process. I already gave him his chance”S” – he is not going to change and never will. But when you feel like they are you soulmate, you want to stick with them no matter what….feel like can work thru it all. So, you words/support means so much right now.
I feel better today, I am sad after I read what I wrote last night – but still feel so raw. But your right Ed, “Nothing lasts 4ever” and this pain will pass – I have done it before and I can and will do it again. I just need to find how to get over that last hurdle. I hope and pray that he just stays away til I am strong enough, so when he does come around – I can be the one to walk away…I need to be the one to do this.
Also, I am sorry you had a bad day…but today is a new day – fresh start for ourselves.
Ref: Mumford & Sons – The Sign No More cd – is awesome. Seems to reach out how I’m feeling.
Another song that I like is from Wilco – “How To Fight the Loneliness”, I really like to hear it live – acoustic style.
1 more song that I like what it says is fom Christina Perri – “Jar Of Hearts”
Tryingtoheal,
Glad to hear you had a better day. It does seem to be an up and down kind of process. Today was my worse yet. In fact out of the blue I broke down and was crying on the floor—that’s pretty monumental for a guy. Amazing how much better I felt after that. I think I have been under so much emotional stress, my body took over and did what it had to do, to protect me. Speaking of contact, I haven’t had any. Only 1 or 2 emails in the last few months. But I’ve been talking to our mutual friend, and I now realize that has to stop. There are only 2 kinds of information I will hear. The kind that makes me feel like she might still care, which is a temporary fix, but only puts you on a roller coaster and prolongs the agony, and the other kind that just hurts from the get go. So getting information about your ex, no matter how you get, even if there’s no direct contact…it can be just as detrimental. Guess that’s what I Iearned this weekend.
Funny, my son just offered to burn me a copy of mumford & son’s.
Ed,
Man, YOU SAID IT. Everything you said about the roller coaster…the kinds of information it’s good to hear and not…wow, yes, you nailed it. I feel exactly as you do. Thank you for sharing.
You are so lucky you don’t have to see her daily! Yes, cut off the rest of the contact, do what this other woman above said – eventually, you will have the strength to block her number and her emails, or to delete them unread. For your own protection. It’s for the best. There is probably nothing she can say at this point that will make you feel better, and she may speak out of guilt, which is what my ex does I now realize. I think he only says kind words out of guilt, not out of love anymore. And nothing is worse than pity.
Because you know what just, JUST dawned on me tonight? I think I have a good reason to suspect he has someone new. It JUST hit me that even as far back as October, he canceled a night when we were supposed to hang out. He did it last-minute, saying he forgot he had a birthday party to attend (didn’t say which friend). Even then, I knew something was weird. Per his Facebook updates, he was in a bar in a particular part of the city where I remember it was weird for him to be hanging out…except that he has this female friend of the family that he hangs out with from time to time. It’s obvious she has a huge crush on him…anyway, he had always denied to me that he felt anything for her, she was just a “platonic” friend. While that’s truly possible, I’ve suspected her for a while now.
So it just dawned on me tonight of all things that he was with HER that night. He even told me the next day that he “crashed at a friend’s pad in that part of town,” and that happens to be where she lives. Wow. I believed that it was just some guy friend. I believed him. The worst part is, she’s a cousin of his soon-to-be ex wife’s….so that would be really, really low. However, at this point I believe my eyes are being opened and nothing is below his level. Just…wow.
I guess it’s good to have your eyes opened, but how the hell could I have missed that and not confronted him? I missed my chance. Now, I have to pretend for work’s sake that I feel civilly toward him when I am furious. It’s too late, though. Now, to get mad would just be drama and he would roll his eyes. He’s not worth it. He’s far past me and everything he has said has been out of guilt or pity, I now believe that.
There is still a chance I’m making this up, but I no longer think so. These people are best left out of our lives. We need to move on. Love should not be this hard. Love should not be full of pain and making us cry on the floor. Making us accept people who treat us horribly or even don’t love us back.
That is not enough. There must be more, and we must believe we can find it. We are worth it. We must believe that, and – with stronger hearts – move forward and leave the ugly past in its place. It does not deserve to follow us into our bright futures, which will be better and full of true love for ourselves and from someone who is worthy of us.
I have to believe that or I will implode. I hope everyone’s day is a good one tomorrow. Send me good luck, as I have to face down my demon in the flesh tomorrow.
Hello, Ed – I am sorry to hear that yesterday was one of your worse days. I hope today is a better day for you. Seems like after I cry like that, I tend to have a better day – as it was relief from keeping all of those emotions inside. I am so proud of you, on the no contact. I can’t wait til I can say that myself one of these days. I guess that is what ticks me off – I have been working really hard to move on with my life. Then he comes around and I crumble – I hate that. Like I have said before, I have a feeling the last visit is the final one from him, or I hope that it is. I can’t keep on doing this – it’s not fair to me. Like you explained, Ed – a rollar coast ride. But I just don’t understand – if he doesn’t want to be with me, then why keep on coming back – I haven’t been the one chasing him and begging him to come back, I shut down all communications with him completely. So, why come back? To see what he can get out of me – how can anyone use another person like that? I don’t understand how he can look in the mirror.
Sounds like you moving forward in healing….very happy for you – yes, your right learn anything about your ex is detrimental. Just keeps one on that rollar coaster ride, if one doesn’t take control.
Again, I hope you have a good day, Ed!
Sasha –
I see so much progress in you, girl! Keep up the good work – I know that today will be hard,….but i can see your on the road to recovery. Our “ex’s” sounds so much alike – i can see your opening your eyes to the truth. But now, just try not to think about it to much. What I mean is, when i started to put the puzzle together about my “ex” – my curiosity got the best of me. It was like I wanted to find out for sure then, but why? I knew it was going to hurt me, if I found out the truth. Well, I’m stubborn and yes, I found out the truth. I realize right then and there – I gained nothing but pain. What I needed to do was focus on myself and you need to do the same.
Reading your words, reminds me of when I at your point of recovery from this heartbreak. I will get there again, I want to be strong again….so, thank-you Sasha for reminding me, I was there at one time. Thank-you for your words and reminders that we deserve so much more.
Good luck today and you hang in there…..remember love shouldn’t be this hard and you/we deserve so much more! Take care girl and hold your head up high today!
Well Sunday proved to be one of the best days I have had in weeks. I am so very thankful! I had an opportunity to spend time with someone who is in end-stage terminal cancer, and as I sat by her bed, I began to realize that when compared with the pain I saw her experience, I need to stop and take stock of the blessings I am walking in: Physical health; satisfaction in the office in which I serve others; a roof over my head; my needs provided for; and an opportunity to enjoy another day where I can experience overcoming. She knows that her time is limited, and yet she has a hopeful heart. It made me really stop and realize that I must move past self-pity, and embrace each daily opportunity God has provided for me.
Could this new day be the day that hope is restored? Could this new day be the day that I begin to evaluate my horizons? Could this new day be the day that I discover something new which will help me to grow as a person? My visit to the hospital yesterday afternoon was a sobering one; one in which I recognize that I better begin to develop a different mindsset–a mindset where hope is once more renewed and opportunities are once more utilized to the fullest. I know that my tears will one day dry up–could it be that I need to begin to pray that they will dry up soon??? I discovered something this morning while listening to a program on the TV. It has to do with how a wounded spirit, either through a personal choice that was at the root of my failure; or the choice of another person who brought pain into my life. These wound then become legal ground through which continued pain is felt. I think I need to take a deeper look into this understanding to see what steps might I need to take in order to close any emotional doors of torment that have come through this wounded experience.
I am believing that today will also be a day of overcoming growth! I will be set free, which will include being set free to forgive the one who has wounded me!
Thank you for posting that, Helen. Seriously. Bravo to you for seeing above and beyond your own emotional pain and to help try and alleviate the deep suffering of another person. Your story inspired me.
I like what you say about taking a deeper look. There is a reason we all were hurt so deeply. I have friends who have already gotten over their situations and with dignity. I feel I am walking through fire again and again and it all comes down to something I am reliving, from the past or whatever, but it is just too hard. It shouldn’t be this hard.
Today, i am trying to be hopeful. As I work with my ex, it makes things harder. I just had to go ask him a question and was trying to appear polite and cordial, but cut the conversation short because I didn’t want to be there and he took it as me being rude. He became very cold and businesslike at the end and it just really hurt. Now I’m at my desk and back in pain. Ugh. And I felt so strong. Too bad I have to keep seeing him but that’s the choice I made.
We all have our paths to walk. I have to remind myself this man never loved me, not as I loved him. It hurts, but “the truth shall set you free.” Hearing stories like yours is inspiring and helps, Helen.
Thank you for sharing.
Tryingtoheal –
Thanks for your message. I see a big change in you, too. You need to stay away from him, and you should be thankful you have that choice. I made a stupid choice myself and cannot be away from him, must see him every single day. That is so hard for someone like me and you who keep going back to someone who treats us badly. Even now, as I sit here, I want to talk to him and make this pain go away. But even talking to him, I will hear more lies. He will feel guilty and apologize and it would be a disaster (I wouldn’t do it, just want to right now). And I hear him talking and laughing with friends, totally fine.
This is what happens when you make bad choices. We have to learn somehow.
Anyway, thanks to you also for sharing your story. It helps to hear from others.
Hello Sasha –
Ref: me needing to stay away from my “ex” – well, I am trying to. he is the one that keeps on coming back, that’s what makes me so mad. I work so hard to not drive by his place nor call or text him – so that is why I get upset when he comes around. I have been trying to move on and it’s so hard when he comes around and tell me those lies to me, he seems to come around when I am so lonely.
Anyways, back to you…..I have to tell you, I have worked and I’m still working with one of my “ex”. So, I know it can be done. As a matter of fact, we are friends now and no it wasn’t easy at first – since he was the one who ended it. So, I know how diffcult it is to still talk to them after the break up. I hate that more then anything. But don’t give up hope, Sasha – you take control of situation girl….please don’t go talk to him, the pain will only go away for short while….think how you will feel when you go home – you will rethink of all of the lies he told you. It’s vicious circle and girl you deserve so much more. Do you think he really feels guility and those apologize are true and heartfelt? Let me ask you something? If you love someone, would you do something that would hurt them on purpose? I don’t think so, if you love someone, truly love someone, don’t we go out of our way to not hurt them?
So, you hang in there Sasha….one day at a time…..right now, just focus on working one hour at a time – you will get thru this, I promise you. I have been there and done it. Ok? Keep it at a business level…do you know why that jerk got upset? Cause he seen that he doesn’t have control over you and he knows that your have wisen up. So, you hang in there and keep your head up, Sasha….you can and will do this!
Thanks, Tryingtoheal. Thanks so much fo ryour words.
I need some words of wisdom again: today, after work, three of my friends/colleagues invited me to this party to watch the game. I really want to go with them but I just found out he’s going. Now, my choice is to go home and watch alone or watch with my three good friends but he will be there. Ugh.
I’m so mad he’s coming. I’m sure he feels the same way – why would I back out because of her? – but this sucks. 
I was really looking forward to it.
Guess I should skip out, huh…it’s that, or feel uncomfortable/drink too much the entire time and possibly say something I don’t want to. Luckily, the friends would also be there and probably he will invite friends, so we most likely won’t spend any time together or even sit together. I still feel that going would give him a signal that I want to see him. Im’ so mad it turned from being a cool event I really wanted to attend to something I have to avoid because of him.
I appreciate your words of advice…
Only have a minute, thanks Sasha and Tryingtoheal for responding to what I wrote, will try to say more later.
Sasha,
Don’t go! Is there is a small part of you that wants to go? That’s how it is with me. I want to hang out with our mutual friend because I think I will hear something that will give me hope, but it always backfires. I get to hear stuff like, “she said he doesn’t like the cat sleeping on the bed with them, you never minded that did you?”. Oh wow, thanks for that little tidbit. I feel much better now…yeah right.
So I suggest you find something completely different to do tonight, go to a bookstore maybe. And while you’re there look up some books from Pema Chodran.
Also, only reason I haven’t contacted my ex is because I think seeing her is going to hurt too much. Especially knowing that she will probably tell me that yes, it’s really over, yes, she really has moved on. But I think about making contact with her about 50 times day, and have written numerous unsent emails. So I’m not sure that is success. Anybody else start long emails that you don’t send?
Sasha – please don’t go….can’t you have your friends go with you to your place and watch the game? Or go someplace else….don’t be around him. It will only hurt in the long run…you already had a rough day, after being off on your vacation. And don’t fool yourself, thinking you can handle it and that it’s not fair that you have to stop doing things cause he is there. Because deep down inside, your wanting to go and see him – I know, cause I have done this before also…fooling yourself that your in control – because it will backfire and it will hurt all over again…it’s like a scab, if you peel it off – you just end up prolonging the healing process. Please be strong…don’t you have other friends outside of work that you could hang out with? You know what, I think Ed is right – go do something else….cause if you watch the game with someone else, you will be wondering what he is doing and that he is watching the same thing and what he is thinking while watching it.
Good luck, Sasha and good advice Ed.
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