Step 12: Working Backwards
Imagine for a moment that you were taking a road trip, but had no real destination in mind. You decide to leave for this trip with no map, no plan, and no route. You know the starting point and may have an idea about the destination, but every time there was an option like a 4-way stop or a fork in the road, it would be a source of confusion – even stress. Which way do I turn? What if I go the wrong way and waste my time?
Most of us would never leave on that trip without getting directions online or at least using a traditional map. Yet, ironically, many of us travel through the extended trip of life with no plan at all. It’s time to make a plan. Creating short and long term goals will provide you purpose, alleviate stress, and get you back on track to your better, brighter, future.
If you are thinking, “Hey, I did have goals, they just included my ex” - I understand. Now that this person is no longer there, the goals may seem irrelevant. I want to clarify something: goals are always relevant. During the course of life, when the unexpected happens, we benefit from the ability to revise our aspirations. Yes, a huge monkey wrench has been thrown into your path, but this is a challenge you are going to take on and overcome.
So, how do you go about setting new goals? When your life objectives are blurry in the short term, extend it out to the very long term and then work backwards. To clarify, I want you to think far, far into the future. Imagine this – you are 85 years old. You are grey, but still distinguished 
. You are sitting in your wicker rocking chair swaying to and fro whilst three young children - your grandchildren – sit quietly in your lap. Surrounding your feet are several other grand kids of varying ages. They all look up at you with curious eyes. They are anxious for the answer to their question, “Grandma(pa), what was your life like?” Answer their question in the exercise below. When you’re done, take the next step.
Read and add your own comments below. When you’re ready…
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Thanks Mary for the kind words. Bless you
Thank you all for your kind supportive words. They really help, its day 6 since I last heard from him and its so hard. I am trying so hard to resist the urge to pick up the phone and call him. I want to hear his voice so badly, its been over 4 weeks since we spoke and it will be 6 weeks on Wednesday since we met. We have only had a few sms messages. I would do anything just to see him again, i just want to see how he is and look him in the eye. I will know then if there is anything there. I will keep holding off for now, I know I said before my goal is Christmas but I feel that it may be unrealistic. I just want to wait for him to make the first contact now this week but I’m panicking that he wont contact me. I know he hasn’t found anybody else yet but it is driving me mad thinking that he will meet someone soon. I cant bare the thoughts but I cant help thinking about it! I know once the weekend comes I don’t think I will be able hold off contacting him. I think at this stage, every day is a goal, just to go one more day making it through. I have prayed every day and night for nearly 4 months now and I have had no joy yet. I even went on a pilgrimage! I know god will do what’s right, I just don’t understand right now how he feels this is right for me. I am a good person and so I my ex. My ex was very good to me, he always treated me with respect, he still opened all the doors for me after 9 years and would never leave me stuck or looking for anything. He never made me do or go anywhere I didn’t want and whatever I wanted he would do for me. All he wanted is for me to be happy but I found reasons to be unhappy. I know I did not appreciate how good I had it. Goal for today is to hold off on contact for another day.
Hi Amy be strong. I know it is difficult, I am in exactly the same position as you. I feel so unhappy, I feel as though his life is continuing as normal, as though I no longer exist. My goal is also the same as yours … hold off contact for another day. Good luck.
Thanks Debra, i feel the exact same worrying how his life its continuing as normal, i wonder how he doesnt miss me as much as i miss him, i wonder how he doesnt think of me every minute of the day wondering what i am at. We use to know eachothers every move so i find it so hard not knowing what he is doing and i dont understand how he doest find it as hard as i do. Good luck to you too. Thanks for the words of encouragement.
I feel so very tearful today, funny how sometimes before you even wake you can just feel that emotionally you will have a bad day! I feel so used by him and I wonder how I will ever trust again. I am beginning to accept that I cannot make him talk to me, I cannot make him like me so, I refuse now to make first contact with him by sms, when he does sms me, I respond politely but, coolly, not giving to much away and keep my sms short. May be I am getting stronger!
Just leaving a small message as im fighting the urge so much not to send him a message, its killing me. I thought instead i would post a message here. Its a week since i last heard from him and its going to be 4 months next week since it ended and its tearing me up.I’m still in contact with his family but they never mention him to me as I guess they just dont know what to say. I wish someone would shake him and let him see what he is throwing away. I’m missing him terribly right now. Anyway, a day at a time,its just so hard when your day feels like its never going to end!
Amy, Just read your message and realized that he can’t see what he is throwing away because you are still there. Have you ever heard the saying, “If you love something, (someone) let them go, if they return to you, they’re yours. If they don’t, they never were.” Give him space and the time to really miss you, to see what life would be like without you…then the real test will happen. If he loves you, he will be contacting you and asking you to give him another chance. If he doesn’t love you, he won’t, and you will be better off because it is no picnic being with a man who does not love you. He would only leave again someday. I am going through the same kind of pain, but we have had no contact. He came back when he did this five years ago, but this time I couldn’t take him back, even if he does change his mind and ask me because I know he would only do this again. It is tearing my heart apart, but I keep thinking I will find someone else who will value my love and love me in return. That is what I am praying for now and maybe that’s what more of us should be praying for instead of praying they come back. This site is helping me a lot, giving me strength, and realizing I am not the only one walking around with a tightness and emptiness in my chest and tears running down my face. We are a brotherhood/sisterhood. Thanks everyone for sharing your pain because it really does help.
Hey Amy, stay strong, I understand how you are feeling and sometimes the days are so long and trying to fill the hours seem like a huge mountain to climb! I look forward to the morning that I awake and my first thoughts will not be of him, then I will know I am on the road to recovery. I only hope that morning arrives soon. I also hope his day arrives when he wakes up and realises the good woman and the good relationship he has thrown away through his own stubborness.
Hello…Its me again…It’s been 4 months Nove 7th that my fiance moved out…and to this day I am STILL hurting and very much in pain!!! The day he moved out feels like yesterday…I have no idea where the past 4 months have gone..i counted today its been 18 weeks…and I am now 38 pounds lighter!!! I can cry at the drop of a hat!!! I cry every night and sometimes in the morning too when I wake up…I have dreams about him all the time some good some bad…I think about him all day too…what went wrong, what could I do to have prevented it…if I could have a “do-over” al lthe things that I would do differentwhat I would have done different the day of the BIG argument when he moved out!!! It is such an emotional rollar coaster…I am up and I am down constantly…I have some good days and I have ALOT of bad days….if I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of him..I cry…if I am out in the public…such as stores etc…and I see couples holding hands…listening to my co-workers talk about their significant other….I can’t believe how much more aware I am of my surroundings…seeing couples EVERYWHERE!!! I am so envious of people who are in a relationship…I beat myself up so bad wondering what the heck is wrong with ME!! WHY can’t I have that…WHY??? I also pray to god everyday!!! I do have faith…I really do…somedays i just want to give up on everything…luckily I do have a few good friends who are my crutch to help e but after 4 months I know that everyone is sick of hearing about my issues!! oh yeah i almost forgot I put a post on here about me meeting a guy on a dating website…I was all happy and thought my storm was almost over..Imet him seemed like a great guy…everything seemed to good to be true…he asked me out to dinner last week to go out to dinner with him on a saturday night…well guess what friday night he cancelled it…didn’t even say he was sorry or anything..and I nhaven’t heard from him since!!! ok..now its hurt on top of hurt (devestation actually)…!!! I am pretty much ready to give up on the hopes of ever having someone love me again…
Thanks Mary and Debra for your supportive words. I know you are both right, my friends keep telling me that, give him a chance to miss you and you all are right. I just fear that then maybe he wont try and he will forget and he needs me to remind him. Im going to wait for him to text me first. I have to, i have no choice. I need to see that he wants to contact me. My friend too tell’s me every day thats “whats for you wont pass you”. I hope though that its him.
Cindy, i dont know what to say only that its nearly 4 months later for me too (this weekend) and I too feel the pain as though it was yesterday. Everything and everyone reminds me of him and all the happy times, I cant even sit in the living room with my house mate when her boyfriend is around as i find it so hard to see them so happy. I don’t begrudge their happiness as they deserve it but i feel mad and hurt that its not me. I too think of him constantly! every minute! Don’t give up on hope, hope is what gets me through the day. That guy you were meant to meet doesnt realise what he missed out on, don’t let him crush your hopes.
Hi Cindy, keep yourself safe, do not enter another relationship whilst you are trying to recover from the hurt and devastation of your break up with your fiance. You need time to recover and accept what has happened and to learn to be happy again. And I know Cindy that all of this is so much easier said than done (how I have not yet crashed the car because of my tears when driving!!). Today, has been a bad day, like you Cindy, my emotions are up and then they are down. I find it difficult to accept that for all the precious moments we shared together and how compatible we both were together that it is all over. He has told me that I have a special place in his heart and that when he thinks about “us” he has tears but, I think it is just words because, if he truly felt like this why is he no longer allowing me to be part of his life. I miss him terribly, I thought that we both enjoyed each others company immensely, I miss our talks, our love of history, wine .. food, the list is endless, and I really do not know how long it will take for me to recover.
Thank you guys for all your supportive words….to Amy & Debra and all of the other hurting souls out there…I feel that this website is truly,truly a godsend…it helps me to know that I am not the only one out there hurting so much!!! I believe that one day we will all be happy again and all this will be just a bad memory as well as a lesson learned for all of us!!! I pray for everyone on here that we will all find happiness and love unlike anything that we could possibly imagine for ourselves!!! This is a test…and WE ALL ARE going to pass it with flying colors!!! God has so much more instore for all of us!!! We just have to ALL be strong and slowly make this painful journey to the wonderful things that await us!!! My hope is oneday we will all look back at our horrible past and laugh and say what the heck did I ever se in that jerk and to just beable to laugh it off!!! My mr. right will make this fool that I just broke up with look like a total LOSER!!! (Which he is) My only hope is that one day he will wake up and realize what a wonderful thing that he threw away!!! A few of the guys that I work with have said to me how crazy he must be to have thrown me away!!! His loss…they say!!! His own brother and father and friends think that he is crazy for throwing me away!!! I wish I only knew that he is hurting as much as I am….except everytime I see him (at work…we work together) he doesn’t look like he is going through thte pain and suffering that I am…even knowing how he treated me with no respect and talked down to me all the time…I still hurt!!! it didn’t help that he is a HUGE mamas boy at 29 years old he is back home living with his MOMMY!!! and she loves it…she played a huge part in our demise!!!! I now know that she was sooooo jealous of me!!! It’s sickening to think of his & her realtionship!!! Now that I step back and look at it….it really makes me sick to my stomach!!! The people in our town even tell me how sick it looks!!!! I know that our breakup is a blessing in disquise…but it still hurts very,very much!!! Stay storng my ladies (and gents) and we will all make it through together!!!! AMEN!!!!
Seems to me that the majority of stories here are about women abandoned by either boyfriends or husbands. Any of the other way around? My wife gave up on our 10 year marriage and I’m having a difficult time moving on past all of this. I feel so cheated, she gave up, broke our vows, which she said would never happen and now I feel i’m left here trying to pick up pieces. I know that things will work out and my life will go on, but in the meantime…….
I read somewhere that the person that left you was not in God’s plan for you or they would have never left. I believe that there is something, someone bigger and better for my future, but it still stings. Hard to let go of dreams, memories, feel disappointed,let down. Feels good to vent on this website. As a man, it’s difficult to find someone to confide in about my feelings.
Sal, yes, men have their hearts broken too, however not many of them will turn to a website like this for help and comfort. It is sad but true, men still find it hard to admit their hearts have been broken and as a result they suffer in silence. I don’t think there is anything more emotionally painful. We women find it easier to bare our hearts, to share our pain. My heart goes out to you. You are a faithful, upright man who has been betrayed, and it is wrong. God is not a puppetmaster. Although it may be in His plan for us to meet and marry a particular person, He will not pull the strings on either of us to make it work out. We are all free to do good or bad. That is what life is all about. Your wife’s decision to break her vows and leave you rests with her alone. She will answer for it someday, perhaps sooner than any of us realize. You reap what you sow. So just take care of Sal, share your pain with others who really care on this site, pray to God and He will help you, and don’t blame yourself for the breakup so you can heal. Somewhere out there is God’s plan “B” for your life, which will be even better than before. Your sadness will be turned to joy, and that joy will far outweigh the sadness you are feeling now. We all have to remember that. God Bless
I do have faith that God will work things out to the good, in His time. I have to admit that this waiting, and this road i’m on does get very tiresome. Thanks Mary for your uplifting words, I do find some comfort knowing that there are people that can relate to my heartache. I want to move on, but I feel that I’m in neutral and can’t seem to let go. Pray that God will grant me the strength to let go and put everything in His control.
I am so confused, I do not know if my ex is playing games with me. He sent me an sms telling me that I will always have a place in his heart and that I am the nicest person he has ever met and that all the moments that we shared were so special and now I have not heard anything from him for 2 days and it feels like I am right back at the beginning with all my emotions when we first split.
Oh Debra, It’s any wonder you are confused. He is sending you a double message. He’s gone, but you are the best and that you will always have a place in his heart. It’s so simple but we really don’t want to see the truth. If he still wanted to be with you, he would. You are not the one who left. We humans always do what we really want to do, regardless of what our mouths are saying. Pay more attention to what he has done and is still doing instead of his words. I know this sounds harsh, but it is reality Debra. You are putting yourself through a meat grinder for nothing. I know how intense the pain is, I am in it too. But the pain will never lessen or go away if we only focus on the one who doesn’t want us anymore. I have heard that whatever you think about grows bigger in your mind. And I know that heartbreak makes us constantly think about the one we love who has left us. And we get really sick from this. Really….we have to force ourselves to stop. Try getting a hold of a good mystery book and reading it. I know you do not feel like it, but try it. You have to think about something else to save your sanity because all this pain you are putting yourself through is not doing any good at all, and it certainly won’t bring him back. Try taking care of Debra for a change. Look in the mirror. Do you have the same dark circles under your eyes from crying that I do? Yup! Well it’s time for us to dust ourselves off, get on our feet, take care of our bodies, our minds and the way we look to the world. Who knows what is around the next corner? I’ll lay odds that someday you will look back and wonder what in the world you were wasting your tears over him for. And don’t forget to pray. It is still the most powerful force in the world. God Bless
DEBRA…DON’T DO IT…please don’t contact your EX…BE STRONG AND HOLD YOUR GROUND GIRL!!!!! if you contact him it will just be like pouring salt into an open wound…Continue forward with the healing process!!!! You know what I do to keep my mind off of my situation..I go to the gym and work-out!!!! EXERCISE is the way to go….I have lost quite a bit of weight since July 7th (The day we broke up)…first few months were simply because I had no appetitite….but now its because I want to get into the best shape ever!!! FOR MYSELF…NOT for him but for me!!! But I must admit…I like the fact that he has to see that I have lost weight…and all the sweeter it is for me to say ok buddy you made a huge mistake and you can never ever have me back…EVER!!!! Don’t let your ex see you suffering…all the more pleasure it will give him…My pain is still so intense but at work when I know my ex is around (we work at the same place) You better believe I am putiing on the biggest academy award winning performance..I laugh I pretend like I don’t even see him…I wil flirt with other guys if they are around..and they flirt back right in front of him I LOVE IT!!!! You don’t know how much satisfaction I get from that!!! But on the inside..I am crying….I am just tore up!!! But I will never let him see that!!! I will have the last laugh in this whole situation and you too should want the same thing!!! BE STRONG GIRL!!!!
Hi Cindy & Mary, thank you both for your good words of advice. I do regular go to the gym, I have even changed my job so that I am not thinking about him as much. I just wish the morning would arrive when I wake up and do not even think about him. It just feels with the festive season fast approaching that I have nothing to look forward to. I still have moments throughout the day when I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and the tears just fall. I do wonder if he has cried any tears, or if he ever misses me like I miss him. I just do not understand when 2 people were/are so compatible how he could just turn and walk away all because he got scared!
Hi debra…I agree the holidays are going to be extremely hard for me this year…I so wish I could just skip right over them…we used to have so much fun during the holidays….but not this year..I am still going to be going through the grieving process…and same with me too…mine seemed to have gotten cold feet also especially when it was so close to our wedding….
Hi Cindy and Debra, I agree totally with you both, I am dreading the christmas holidays as im going to miss him so much, i miss him terribly every day and I too like Debra wonder has he cried since the time we broke up. He did cry during the break up but has he even shed one tear for me since! I have actually developed more wrinkles from the amount of crying I am doing over him, I feel emotionally and physically drained. I am wrecked tired all the time and want to do nothing more then stay in bed all day which I do not allow myself to do as now that I am on my own I have to work and pay the bills alone. I feel our situations are similiar and hearing all your words are helping me. I too can not understand why too people who got on so well together are apart! why does he not see what we had, why is he only focusing on the bad points that came up over the 9 years. Every couple has problems but you work them through. It’s been 2 weeks since I have had a message from him, I was determined to wait for him to text me first but I’m weak today, I have to text him today as I can not wait any longer. I miss him more each day. I think I am going through a phase of denial, I keep thinking its all going to be fine that he will realise shortly that its a mistake and we can make another go at it but I dont see that happening and I get impatient. I never thought this would happen to me. It’s really opened my eyes to what to appreciate in life… maybe I needed to see what was right in front of me all along, now I fear its all too late.
Hi Amy, please Amy find the strength not to text him because what will happen is that you will keep looking at your phone, then counting the hours since you text him and then you will get so upset if he does not respond or if he does respond and he does not text you what you want to hear/read. I know Amy because I have done all this .. still do in my moments of weakness. I also, have developed wrinkles and very tired eyes because of the tears I have cried. I think I am also in denial because I just cannot believe for 2 people who are so compatible who shared so much love, warmth and respect for each other that he has just turned away.
hi, I posted something here last month and I’ve been reading other’s responses.
Just wondering if anyone is at the same place I am now. Now that I’m ‘accepting’ my oncoming divorce, and even the fact that the ‘to be ex’ has taken another woman and even has her around our girls [it's only been seven months and he's already steady with someone and has her around our young kids, what a dick]….now that I’ve gone thru the worst [and suicidal thoughts]…now I’m in another stage. I’m just tired, lazy, don’t want to do anything. I mean, I do do things at home,but I don’t really want to be around people and just want to lay on my couch and drink wine and watch t.v. when my kids aren’t here. I’ve tried to start relationships with a couple men myself and ended up just getting hurt. Now, even the sight of a handsome man giving me attention makes me shun. I just don’t want to be close to people anymore. I feel dead inside. Anyone where I am?
dee dee … I’m actually just passed that stage. I got angry with myself this past Sunday. I have allowed this man to run my life … my emotions. I want myself back. I want to feel happy again and laugh without crying. I listened to the cd’s called the secret. I listened to them 5 times before I heard the message … I am the only one in control of my happiness and my emotions.
I have felt great ever since. If I start to feel down, I replace that bad thought with a happy thought. I force myself to smile because the brain doesn’t know the difference between a true smile and a forced smile. I write down what I want in life like I already have them. I thank God for everything positive I do have in my life. I start my sentences out I happy now that … and I feel so much better.
I work with my ex. He made a comment to me yesterday that he doesn’t like the new me. I asked him to look at my back. I asked him if he saw his footprints on my back anymore … his answer was no. This is who I was before him. I’m happy to be back. I fall of the wagon, so to speak, but I remind myself that I am the only one who can make me happy … not a man who doesn’t love me as much as I love him.
I know you will find yourself. It’s taken me a while, but I am finally me!
Dee dee, You are in a very dangerous place. It sounds to me as if you are where I’ve been and the doctor called it “clinical depression”. You need some medical help. You can’t go on like this, the wine is your way of self-medicating. I know when I was diagnosed, a year after my husband died, they told me my brain had been sending out a steady drip of adrenalin, which is a chemical we are supposed to get in short, big doses for the “flight or fight” response to danger. Instead, the constant stress of the loss of my husband was slowly poisoning my brain. Adrenalin prevents your body from making seretonin, which is the chemical that runs everything and makes you sleep and get energy during the day. My internal organs were already starting to shut down from the adrenalin when I was put on medication to help me. It didn’t happen overnight, it took a few months but it did help. Please, please, go to a good doctor and be perfectly honest. You can’t get rid of these symptoms yourself and what is happening to you is only hurting you more, and your kids too, even though you probably can’t see this right now. I will pray for you, and I know others on this site who read this will pray for you too. I have been right where you are, and there is a way out, but you have to work at it. Whoever this guy was, or is, he is not worth it, please believe me, and someday you will see this yourself. God Bless you, Mary
Hi DEE DEE…its me Cindy…I just read your post…I am EXACTLY where YOU are right now…my break up was in July…I don’t really want to be around people either…I go to work..I come home…and I go workout…(i try to make that a priority)…then I like barricade myself in my home….I watch tv and drink wine and cry!!! I get invited out to places but I turn everyone down…people call me on my cell phone…I don’t answer..I ignore my texts and calls..I have pushed my family away…my parents are older now and they call me but I dont answer the phone I dont stop over anymore..I guess what we have is called depression!!! I am only 43 and I feel likle I have aged SO MUCH since July…..I also see it in my eyes…some people even comment on how different I am now…I also feel dead inside…I also went through the all the smae stages that you described..I can be out in public see or hear something that reminds me of my ex-fiance and I start crying..my hardest thing that I deal with is seeing how everyone seems to be paired up…and I am all alone…I am an attractive women (so everyone tells me) I take care of myself ..some people call me high maintenance…but if I am so great then why am I alone and why am i not good enough for my ex????
hi Cindy & Dee Dee, wow July must have been a special month, that was when I also split with my guy! and yes the fool that I am … I still cry for him, I miss him dreadfully. He still texts me everyday, even though I have told him repeatedly that if he is doing so out of politeness he is not to do that (he knows I am not as strong as him), he also (through his texts) reminisces about the lovely times that we shared. So, I am now at a point thinking, is he regretting his actions or is he just playing games with me ….
Hello all, Dee Dee again. To Mary, I’ve already been diagnosed with depression, actually while I was still together with my husband. Three months before he finally laid down his true feelings I was on my way to true healing. I started lexapro, started counseling and decided to focus on fixing me since ‘fixing the marriage’ and ‘trying to help him see what he was doing wrong’ wasn’t working. So, I was doing well. THAT’s when he decided he was done. I think because he wasn’t really happy unless he was in control…of me, of keeping me down. Keeping me down made him feel better I think. Ah well. So, it is crushing. It’s likes starting from square one over and over again. I am on lexapro, one of the more expensive antidepressants dammit. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. This is more than biochemical, I think. This is more psychological I gather. I mean, the antidepressants don’t stop the negative thoughts. You know what I mean? No amount of meds can override biofeedback you’re accustomed to in the brain. And all this mess has brought back all kinds of messes from my childhood and has just been quite overwhelming. That, and I have three young children under seven that right now I just snapped at cause they were fighting over popcorn. THey save me and overwhelm me all at the same time, if that makes sense. I HAVE to be okay for them. Without them maybe I wouldn’t give a fuck about me. I’ve slept with guys [the weeks I don't have them] and have let men hurt me who didn’t really care. I think deep down I knew they didn’t. Don’t worry Mary, I drink one glass at night. I’m not a lush, yet. anyhoo, so I know I’m depressed, I’m on meds…and I have downloaded Wayne Dyer’s tapes [one of the guys in the Secret book] and none of that ‘crap’ has done anything for me. I was following it, meditating, sending out good thoughts even to my ex, and being really really nice to him, inviting him over and guess what …he attacked. He pushed and attacked and then found a new woman. I was suicidal when I first found out about the new woman and was able to pull myself out of it because of the kids. I can’t do that to them. But seriously, this is hell. I actually still love the fucker…and I can’t believe that! I deserve more, yet why do I love a man who never really loved me? I feel like I’m in some kind of awful vortex, a deep dark well that no meds or anything can reach…I just need time and to keep plugging away at life. I did read something today that helped, it said that just self promoting and positive acclimations isn’t enough. the actions speak louder than words. Thus, today I’m practicing loving actions instead of ‘thinking them’ because, sorry Wayne Dyer, but the ‘thoughts’ alone did crap. Trying to draw positive thoughts of what I wanted and loving the ex DID NOT draw loving actions back my way. It was quite the opposite, he really went after me emotionally and pushed my emotional buttons until I fell apart again. This person knows how to keep me down, knows how to hurt me. My only option is to stay away as best I can until he know longer has that power over me. I want to fall in love with someone else but unfortunately within the seven months we’ve been apart I’ve managed to let myself get hurt by other men…so now, I’m not so trusting and on gaurd. I have a vulnerability bubble around me men like to ‘pop’ and take advantage of. Sex. Sex Sucks. I mean, that’s what guys want and then they disappear. So, I’m hurt. that’s all.
Oh Deedee, I am in the same shape right now. I am in so much pain in my spirit that it feels like a black worm with teeth is eating away my insides. I have never felt so bad, even when my husband died 12 years ago. So what do we do? Well, to be absolutely honest I try to have a conversation with myself, telling me what I would tell another woman who has been emotionally abused, used, lied to and cheated on….basically, he is a rat and not worthy of my love. I am lucky he left…all the true stuff, but I can’t seem to follow my own advice. The pain is absolute and horrid. I hate to wake up in the morning because I know I am in for another 18 hrs of thinking of him non-stop and at least 8 hrs of tears. This is killing me. I am almost 66. This is killing me and I don’t have any little ones who need me. So I have a really good idea of what is going on with you.
The only thing that helps me is prayer and reading the promises Jesus made in the Bible. He said he has good plans for me, plans for good and not for evil. I believe that.
He also tells me He will never leave me nor forsake me. I believe that too. So I pray and pray, and slowly, it is helping. I can’t imagine going through this meatgrinder without a faith in God. It is the only thing that helps. I know with time this pain will dull and then disappear and I will look back and wonder why I thought this rat was so wonderful. I really think you are right about the brain chemicals. So I am trying to force myself to think of other things, although the thoughts of him are like deep gullies in the road that my wheels always get caught in. I am trying therefore to think of all the nasty things he did, and not wallow in the good memories. I had some good memories the other day and the physical pain it caused in my middle was unbelievable. I wish we could phone each other and talk because I think I am wearing out my friends who just do not want to hear any more about him. Please hang in there. Just one drink a night is okay, but please be careful because with the meds, the alcohol makes you more depressed than anything. Yes deedee the pain is real, and it is unfair too because we suffer and we did not do the wrong. They did the wrong and do not suffer…but that is because we really did love and they did not or they would not have done what they did. I know there is someone else out there for you and your kids. I just have a deep feeling about this, and I am rarely wrong. So please concentrate on yourself and get yourself ready to meet a wonderful man who will cherish you the way you deserve to be cherished. Please do not give up. I know how hard it is. Please pray and pray and pray some more. It really does help. God Bless, I care about you and all the others on this site and pray for all of us. Mary
Mary, you sound very sweet. It’s awful to hear you’ve gone through something so difficult twice. Did you think that maybe this is harder the second time BECAUSE it IS a SEcond TIME?! So, it might be bringing back the pain you felt the first time around. Think about that, I know my own situation is bringing back feelings of not being loved and feeling abandoned by my own parents. It’s so awful, these kinds of things really do open up a pandora’s box of pain. Hang in there yourself. I do pray. I think, if God is really there as I hope and feel somehow, I feel he’s hard on me, I mean, not harder on my than others. I don’t mean to sound like I’m more special, it’s that I have a hard time believing I’m special at all. I feel so humiliated by things that have taken place. That keeps my feet on the ground. I feel that his way of dealing with me is a school of hard knocks version. Ah well, I think, my intuition anyway has me believing I’m some kind of warrior but I don’t really get it. I just find that I’m ‘the mouse’ who’s really ‘a mountain lion’ on the inside. If that makes sense. Well, I am drinking a glass of wine right now so forgive me if I’m sounding a little too hippie like! But I like hippies. I love California, though I’m living in awful suck-$#@ Md..forgive me yal’ I’m a southerner. Prefer southern hospitality and missing home.
DeeDee again.
Dee Dee
Deedee, you sound very sweet too. Yes, I’m sure you are right about me suffering loss twice, but actually it is the third time, once when my husband died, and once five years ago with this guy, now again.Yes, I think it is having a culmuative effect because it hurts more every time. I also know what the fear of abandonment is, had a very abusive childhood as well. One thing though, I have found it is not God who is doing this to you. It is the devil. God wouldn’t put it into your husband’s heart to leave you and the children. God doesn’t want you to suffer either. Just look at behaviors and see if they are good or evil, then you know where they are coming from. I have had some real miracles in answer to prayer and am actually writing a book about those miracles right now. I am a former journalist, (editor) so I know how to write. I have two chapters finished now and have so many different things to write about I am having a hard time deciding what comes next. It is also helping me to keep my mind off Mr. Rat because it fills my thoughts with good things. It is just so hard to get out of those ruts I mentioned to you, and get in front of the computer and change my mindset and write. A friend of mine is a widow and she writes a journal every day. It is helping her. At first it was only sad things but now she is treating it more of a record of her life for her grandchildren to read some day. You don’t need talent, just the urge to get those feelings out. Maybe that might help you too. Please hang on to Jesus. He really does love you and wants to help you and give you all good things. We just have to learn how to open our hearts and hands to receive what He has for us. God Bless. Mary
hi everyone, it has been another weekend of tears, 16 weeks now since I last seen my ex, and it is getting no easier, the tears still fall. I try to keep myself busy, its almost as if I am in over-drive, to try and survive the hurt and pain. I have changed my job, meeting new people, working longer hours, I go to the gym, I visit family & friends, I go out at weekends socialising with my friends but, there is this huge void in my life. I miss his company. I miss his touch. We have a 14 year age gap between us, him being the oldest (nearly 60) and we live quite a distance from each other and I know he was always worried about the age difference and the distance and taking me away from my family and at the time I also agreed with him but, nothing in the world prepared me for this amount of upset. He is a lot stronger than me and I know he has moments when he misses me but he thinks and feels that he is doing the correct thing. So, the only thing I can do .. is cry my tears by myself and put a happy smiling face on for the world and hope that one day soon I will recover from all of this, I have so many broken dreams and so many broken promises. I thank you all for sharing your experiences with me.
Hello Mary,
I have a different approach to his leaving. I don’t think of it as the devil persuading him necessarily, it’s more that I believe I needed this fall to find my strength. I beleive we are supposed to go through certain trials in order to learn and grow from them. Although I do believe in good and evil, I can’t say I’m always so good myself. And we are all human so instead I believe in my case my husband decided he didn’t love me anymore because he himself wasn’t up to growing as a person. He didn’t really want the marriage or family life. I do. I’m all about family and it’s the most important thing for me. yah, a part of me hates him, and at the same time a part of me forgives him because he’s human and we all do stupid things. Also, like this country song I heard the other day, maybe one day I’ll sing “thank God for all the broken hearts/roads that led me to you”. What I mean is maybe one day I will be thankful God chose to let me go through this trial. Maybe there’s something better out there for me, and maybe I’m already a better and a more understanding person myself because of this experience. I understand what it feels like to go through this hell so when another friend goes through it I won’t be talking bullshit trying to help.
Good luck all.
Deedee, You have got it more together than you think. What you are saying makes a lot of sense and yes, I do believe there will be someone better out there for all of us. But we have to dry our tears, heal our hearts and get ourselves looking and feeling better first. Every day we get one day closer. We just have to have faith.
Debra,
Hang in there….it’ll get better. You’re doing the right things by staying busy and getting involved with friends. I guess I’d recommend thinking of one thing you’d really like to do for yourself. I know I have to have something to look forward to or the days seem empty….I’ve had to figure out something I wanted just for me – I’m going to move as soon as my lease is up.
What about you? What one thing do you want to do? Go on vacation? Move? Change jobs? What can you look forward to?
Sal…same here – ten years. Dumped. Yes, a guy dumped. Oh, and so much the better, for a friend and trusted former associate who less than two months after dumping me announces their engagement. It sucks. You get over it or not – not sure yet. Not as comforting as hearing it from a woman. Certainly not as comforting as hearing it from an interested woman. Somehow this vibe doesn’t make us very attractive or even feel attractive to anyone new though. Rejection factor I guess. People who’ve been burned know about how comforting it is to hear ‘Yeah, that sucks dude’ from anyone who just poured enough of their heart out for everyone to know they really understand that vibe. (Mind you, if I ever manage to fall blissfully in love again and forget about this heartbreak, I’ll be the first to vent about THAT right here!)
First I had to realize that there’s no way to get back the love that was so real for me before it wasn’t so real for her anymore. Now, I have to re-learn life and discover that there IS a way to get it back, just not with her. That person really doesn’t seem to exist anymore, but it’s ridiculous to think there is no-one in the world with the qualities I fell in love with – more numerous and deeper qualities or better ones perhaps. It’s as hard to believe in a life without the true love I knew as it is to believe there is no-one more compatible with me than that. Maybe this means I’m at the apex of the getting over it hump, or maybe it just means I’m finally approaching it.
I’d like to be better at recognizing that amazing person for fear I’ll never meet her – or if I’ve already met her, it’s going to get weirder before it gets better if I’m not completely rejected again. I need to get myself together and get past some of the current overriding dramas that are more important than my heartbreak right now. I still have to manage the surface pain though. I broke down a lot this week because of finding out about a health crisis in the family the same day as the humiliating farce-book news I heard from friends about the ex being engaged. My family doesn’t want me stressing out of my tree about all this stuff, so I have to put the emotion away somewhere. I hope there are a few amazing women left in my vicinity who aren’t addicted to that face-book crap. Seen too many people hurt because privacy used to be something a person could have when they were in pain at least. It’s honestly none of my business, but it’s none of anyone’s really. I choose this slightly more private, focused forum because at least everyone knows where everyone’s coming from. If anyone I know is reading this – it’s probably someone who cares more than a twitter.
Stay strong is the mantra for the coming months – a lot to get behind us. For me to do it, I have to keep in mind what joys lie ahead. I have to do all of that to be there and stay strong for the people who do need me, the people I love, and for the people I might not even know about yet. Well, person. I think it’s just too soon to say I know anything, or to say anything at all. Sometimes it’s better just to ask. Okay, 2 Questions, and they’re fancy ones:
Q: How soon is too soon after the breakup? -and does that time variable differ between breaker/breakee; does it relate to the time spent in the relationship, or both? Assuming no children, as I figure anyone would add the time as they need to adjust.
Q: Is a rebound relationship or fling an important or unavoidable event just because of everyone’s fear of BEING the rebound guy/girl and the tendency to promptly end things because of that? Should they be avoided or are they healthy and essential?
(Bias: I don’t think I want to do a rebound thing this time or get dumped again because ‘it’s a rebound thing’ – my response to that excuse generally depends on how well I know her, how at ease and trusting I feel with her, and how good the sex is. The problem of avoiding rebound relationships doomed by desperation or even just the stigma of the ‘rebound thing’ may be intractable.) I could use anyones’ two cents on this – mens’, womens’, shrinks’, their dogs’…I just haven’t seen anything written on those matters. Thanx everyone, take care.
hi Tobias, well I can certainly answer your second question! Please do not do the rebound scenario, as I have come to realise that is what I have been a victim of, although the man completely denies this and tries to smooth it over with messages such as … I am the nicest person he has ever met (more like fool!), and he has a special place in his heart for me and that he will always be thinking of me, so what I dont understand is if he truly meant any of this, how come we are not together?? Because he is trying to ease his conscience, knowing that he misused a really nice, decent person to help him overcome his divorce. So, what I am saying to you Tobias, is if you have any self respect dont do the rebound, give yourself time for recovery, there are no hard and fast rules and you will come out feeling much wiser and hopefully knowing what type of person you would like to meet. And as for your ex and so called “friend” just watch that space quietly, it may soon fall apart when the euphoria has calmed down! And yes I also share the same opinion as you Tobias about “face book” … msn … and all the other (anti) social websites, maybe people need to learn to get “real” again with each other. Take care Tobias.
Hey Tobias, I’m with Debra on the rebound thing. I think rebounds happen because the dumpee has all this love to give and suddenly has no one to give it to. And the dumpee needs to feel appreciated and attractive to at least one person, is trying to recapture that intimate feeling of the two being one and also simply not being alone. I am finally starting to heal now, and to be quite honest, am fearful of meeting anyone until this healing is complete because I don’t want to be hurt again, or to hurt anyone either. I think rebounds occur because of NEED not WANT. We should be strong enough and comfortable enough in our own skins to realize a relationship should be out of want, a sane decision to bond to another human being, not out of need which is a desperate person grasping at anything nearby to keep from drowning.
Christmas is going to be very hard to get through. All the memories shared with our former love, all the traditions we established together also have to be broken, and it is another part of the pain of separation for us. I am trying to see beyond tomorrow, trying to establish a goal which will make me happy, without an intimate “other” in my life. It is not easy, but I have decided to begin writing that book that has been in the dark recesses of my mind for almost 30 years. I have also decided to join a seniors club and to go swimming at least twice a week at the Y. Simple things but things that are good in themselves. I am not going anywhere or joining anything with an eye to meeting another man so I will not be alone anymore. I just want to live my life with a smile on my face instead of crying for hours and hours each day. I am forcing my thoughts away from my ex…deliberately…anytime they rear their ugly, sentimental heads. He is gone. He has another. I am alone. I have to live with me, and I have decided not to be sad anymore. I am lucky he is gone because he is not the man I thought he was. He is not the man I loved. I didn’t really know him. I am lucky to have a clean slate on which to write my future, with a smile on my face. No more tears!
Hello yal’,
I wish I could meet with some of yal’.
I realized just how down I really am when I started cleaning up the house in preparation for my week with my kids. The place wasn’t terrible, or it could be worse. But I have three loads of laundry to do, dishes with stinky water in the one mug, and now I’m trying to cook dinner and drinking wine and watching sad movies about drug addicts and crying. And the real issue? I’m so lonely. I want the holidays to be over. The ex, I’m so jealous and hurt , much like…Sal is it? Within 6 months the Narcissist A hole has a steady girlfriend. She might even be living there. My oldest even bought her a christmas gift at her school. and here I am, so F-in lonely it reaches the very bones in my body. So hard it trembles, my soul I mean. HE, the he who hurt me so bad, who is STILL mean and trys to pretend I don’t exist, he’s creating a new family. I am so alone. My family are all far away. One close girlfriend admonished me for trying to date on match.com…but yet, she doesn’t get it. I was married for seven years, my identity was wrapped up in being a wife and a family. Now, my family is over there with him half the time. and my family now is me and my three girls. That’s it.
I don’t know if this reality will ever end. If I’ll ever not feel so alone. I don’t know.
Thanx for the replies Mary and Debra…and Deedee, got one last thing to say about the holidays
(until they really hit me)
Who the hell has actual holidays the entire time ‘holidays’ are advertised on tv/radio/etc? Happy overtime, wankers! Not you folks, but the powers that be, yes. Wankers. The ‘holidays’ for fear of excluding any faith’s dollar – It’s a big sell for small comforts that human beings can provide for each other anyway. Didn’t anyone read The Grinch Who Stole Christmas? The world sings every day for its own sake. Listen. Join in, even if just by yourself. Open your beautiful eyes (no, not getting weird, but someone’s told anyone who’s been in love that they have beautiful eyes…and one has to open them again sometime.) To me, it’s music you can see. It’s hard though, I know – to open your eyes when they’re filled with tears. La la la life goes on…
Deedee – is it 6 months? My girl moves out, and in – to _his_ place. No months – Negative 6 months perhaps for whatever fucking around went on in our own bed. So she moves into a pretty similar sitch to what we had when we started, except he’s a manipulating-asshole-has-been-thug. If I wait 6 months to try feeling close to anyone again, yeah, might be smart to wait longer than this – but if it feels right at the time, I’m being honest about where I’m at and what may come. Basically what I’m wondering about the rebound, is how can you move on – regardless of how long thereafter and under what circumstance – without the next thing being a ‘rebound’? I don’t know what’s going to happen or what I’ll do (or when) but I know I don’t want the next thing to be a shadow of that one. At the same time, I really don’t have a problem with innocent comfort or meaningless sex if it helps with the stress. I know it’s not all I want, but it’s led to the greater joys before…
To me, moving on to something better would mean progress, I think – no, I feel. If there were someone understanding enough to see past whatever pain remains in my eyes, or if not enough pain remained anymore to keep my light from shining through – I’d have to go with it. The family health crisis is over – surgery was successful. A very important family member who’s been through this himself will be okay. Makes me remember what he said to me one time though when I was younger and almost this broken-hearted not wanting to go on…’You could never get hurt again that way, but it could be a lonely life, kid.’ -And it reminds me that life is too short not to grab on when something feels right. I have strong feelings – and they’re getting more powerful. My old man visited me in a dream this morning before his surgery. He had kinda harsh things to say but things I needed to hear. I hear a different voice at night sometimes telling me ‘it takes time’ but I don’t know if it’s the same perceptive part of me hearing ‘and I’ll wait for you’ from the same lips. It could just be hope fucking with me.
I’m looking into myself thinking – yes, men can be dogs. Loyal to the point of depression when the companion is lost, open and ever energetic for affection and food, as free with their love as they are fleeting with hurt feelings or regret. Yeah. Sucks to be your own dog sometimes. I’m probably going to go get my ass hurt with someone from desperate.com or need2getlaid.com or cuddles4life.com or worse – really mess up a good friendship on account of the fact that I just feel wrong sleeping alone now. It’s not even the sex – as nice as some would be. I’d just like to put my arms around someone at the end of a hard day and feel something I remember from a long time ago. Two people, with no reason other than the fact that they were there, trusting and caring – feeling better. Who doesn’t want what they need? I just don’t see the difference between want and need. What if it’s both?
Feeling have a funny way of making themselves real when you need to feel. I followed my heart before and it led me here. I’m going to have to believe it’s not done leading me…
Hey Tobias, got to respond to you. I was a virgin when I married my husband, and he was the only man I’d been with all the way up to the separation, 32 years old. About to turn 33. I gave birth to three beautiful girls and he threw that all down the drain.
Anyway, I’m with you. All I want is someone to wrap his arms around me, tell me it’s going to be okay. But guess what’s been happening. I’ve let myself fall susceptible to a few guys [being as I've behind in experience!] and have let myself get very hurt. Out of curiosity and loneliness, I guess, and that desperation to feel annnthinggggg but the pain i’ve slept with some guys who I thought would like me enough to stick around. Guess what, they slept with me once or twice, at the most three times…then they disappear. In the end, I’m actually MORE broken up. Maybe cuz I’m just the kind of girl that takes these things to heart. All I’ve known is ‘sex for love’ so, meaningless sex just isn’t in my vocab. I can’t help but start to feel something for the guy. Another man has walked away, one I thought would be my ‘cuddle partner’ but we slept together and now, well, he’s lost interest. I guess I wasn’t challenging enough or…I hsould have kept it cool.
So, now I’m on a celibate path…I hope. I mean, I soooo want someone to hold me but I’m cute enough that all guys care about is getting me in bed. Then, they move on. So, I’m done. I’ve got to be done with it all. Because each time I’m rejected AGAIN it hurts so bad. I think I’m starting to turn my heart off completely. Idon’t want to be one of those cold women, I consider myself an empath…I don’t want that part of me to shut off. Thus, I don’t want meaningless sex. I’t's hurts more in the end,and makes things mean less.
Dee Dee
hi all, i haven’t left a message in a while. I feel like I’m at a loss right now, its going to be 5 months this weekend since we broke up and the pain is still so bad. I still cry every single day and I just don’t know what I can do to let go of him. I try keep myself busy. I am continuing with my life as much as possible. I wanted to become a teacher so I have been working towards that, I have been accepted on a course next year to fulfil my ambition to become one but instead of feeling so happy for achieving this I’m so sad. This is the dream I had for us, the 2 of us to be happy in life with each other, work, everything. I am doing another night course at the moment also along with my full time job to keep me busy. Work keeps me out of the house from 8 till 8 daily but still the huge pang of loneliness will not leave. I actually am tired from doing so much really. I try meet friends during the week so not to be alone as that just hurts too much but I feel so empty all the time. I feel so useless and worthless towards him only that I wasn’t worth a chance. I know my family and friends don’t think that of me, but when I think of him its how I feel. For the first time ever I feel like I have a plan for my life and I know what I want to do but I am not happy as I realise how much I wanted him in my life. I want so much to be happy.
I haven’t seen him in 2 months or spoke to him in 2 months, only a few SMS messages, maybe one a week if I’m lucky but I’m the one who initiates the message so he is only responding to my message and sometimes he doesn’t even bother which feels like a slap in the face. I told him that it hurts me when he doesn’t reply or answer me but then he said he there is nothing he can say to make me feel better. He knows I’m hurting but he cant say anything that will make me feel better. I know I have to let go, I really am trying so hard but I miss him so so much. I cant stop thinking of him moving on and meeting new girls, he has been my first and only everything and I was his and now I cant bare the thoughts of him being with anyone else. It rips me up inside. I don’t think its happened yet but it will soon for him I just know it will and I cant sleep at night thinking about it. I don’t think I could get over it if he is, we were suppose to each others forever. I know this might sound pathetic to some people but it was special to me. Here is the only place I can write or say these things without being judged and I just wish I could be over it all now.
Friends of mine are buying new houses and getting married around me and now I’m alone and have to start all over again, new career and everything. I should be excited but instead I feel nothing but sadness for myself. Not everyone gets a chance to start over so I should feel lucky but the thing is I was happy with my boyfriend, I wasn’t happy with me and what I was doing but I was happy with him. I wish I could go back and change things, I wish I could fix whatever it is I have done to make him feel like this towards me. I know me being sad and miserable at times hurt him and I wish I could go back and take it all back. I feel like me and the 9 year relationship that I was nothing but faithful and committed to was meaningless to him. I know I will find someone else but its just I don’t want anyone else right now only him. I miss his family and everything so very much. Anyway, thanks all again for listening. Sorry to be repeating myself. I hope everyone here is keeping well too. Your on my thoughts daily and I have said many prayers for all of your happiness. I hope it happens for us all soon. We are good people and we deserve it.
Hi Guys, I haven’t left a message here as well in a long time. It has been 5 mths since she decided to have a relationship with someone else while still being married to me. This kills me day in and day out. I have been seeing a counselor and trying to get through this. I have so much love to give to her but she tells me “she doesn’t think of me like that anymore” but she still wants me to support her financially when she is getting ready to divorce me. I have been trying to tell her that he will dump her in a month. She doesn’t listen. We have 2 kids together and 4 in total. The kids want me to stay home. I am talking to couple of girls but I am not able to see them in the same light as a lover. Currently I just talk to them as friends only. I am not sure if this is a begining of my healing process or I am just being stupid. I don’t know how long its going to take me to gether over this as we had been married for 8 years. I hope and pray for all the people who are going through this heart break including myself a speedy recovery and find “TRUE” love not just a fake love as we all deserved to be loved as we need to be loved.
Hi Amy, I also feel at a total loss, my ex still sms’s me most days and sometimes I respond quite rudely to him and then he crawls back into his cave, think he is getting some kind of enjoyment knowing how hurt I feel. Somedays, I want to scream, shout and cry at him but, I have not seen him since July. And no it has not got any easier, think my friends are tired of me looking so miserable (am tired of seeing myself so miserable, look like I have sucked on lemons!) but, guess what … I still love him, not interested in meeting any other men, still remember all the lovely shared moments we had and I am still confused as to why it had to end. Like you Amy, I also have taken a career change, one that is more sociable and it does help when I am there but, at the end of the day I have to come home and thats when it hurts all over again. Has anybody got any ideas please as to how I can fill my evenings in???
My friend has just started a new relationship and I am so jealous (how sad is that) cannot bring myself to see them both together, I keep telling her to be careful and not to trust him to much (I am lucky, she is very patient with me).
The dreaded christmas holidays are on the horizon, cannot bear to even do the decorations.
Made a new years resolution … not to cry every day!!
Take care all x
Hi Siraj, I too am going to see a councillor every week to see if she can help me, but I feel at this point I’m wasting her time as I just don’t want to let go and move on, I don’t want to give up and walk away like he did. Its good that your working through this but even with all the help from councillors, friends and family its just so hard. I really belived by going to see her that I would be cured! That she would tell me exactly what to do and that he would see I made such an effort to change and it would all be great. But its not. Instead I get impatient and more hurt as I feel how much longer do I have to wait till everything goes back to normal! I have done my time! I cherished all our happy times and days together. I wanted to sit down in 50years time and tell my grand kids all about those times. I feel people don’t understand that. People keep telling me I’m young and I’ll find happiness and someone who will treat me better but I don’t want someone I want him! He treated me so well and I feel now that maybe I took it for granted even though I did appreciate him so much. I don’t know why others cant see that he is what I want, I know they are being as understanding as possible but at the end of the day they are all going back to their husbands and partners and have them to cuddle up to at night or to hug them at the end of a hard day. I have nobody. I live away from my immediate family. I do live with 2 cousins but its not the same. I miss my life and people don’t understand why I’m not out having fun, its not that easy just to move on to someone else and its hard to have fun when your so sad inside.
Debra thank you for your comment, I know how you feel, somedays I just want to scream and shout at him and sometimes in my SMS message I do say things to him. I have asked him to meet me a few times but he wont as he said he doesn’t want me asking more questions as he doesn’t have answers to give and that it will lead to upset again! AGAIN I have it every single day not just when i see him…. that makes me mad. He should have the decency to meet with me after 9 years he cant just avoid me, of course I’m gong to ask questions how can i not, he has thrown away my life and ruined everything right now. if he really wants me to move on a let go then why not just give me answers! Help me understand why he caused so much pain and why he walked away from a great relationship! he cant just break my heart and expect me to be ok! I hate this so much.
My friends and family are tired I know of me, one of my friends thinks i want to be miserable, why would anyone want this pain!! she cant understand as she is one of these people who thinks marriage at a young age is a mad, I wanted to be married by 30 and start my family by 32 i don’t think that was too young a plan, plenty people i know have done this and younger. It just makes me so mad that i am not allowed be sad that my plan has changed. I know I’m young at 26 but it was my dream and now its gone for now. I too feel jealous of peoples relationships, i have a friend and her boyfriend who are so good to me. They recently moved into a beautiful huge home and are planning their wedding next year that both me and my ex will be at. I cant help but feel so much jealousy. They are only together 4 years and i devoted myself for 9 and i get kicked to the curb. How is this fair! I really am a good person who would do ANYTHING for anyone and why am I being punished??
I’m sorry for sounding so negative but i’m having another bad day today. I too can’t bare the thoughts of putting up decorations. Christmas has always been my favourite time of year now i cant bare to hear 1 song as i am in floods of tears. I loved putting up our tree and it made me and us feel so special. He knew how much Christmas meant to me. He would help with the lights and i would do the rest. Now i cant look at a tree without crying or welling up. How am I going to get through Christmas. I have a niece and nephew and my sister keeps telling me to think of them, i do, and i love them so very much but I wanted my own family and someone to hug and kiss Christmas morning like I had the last 9 years….. they don’t get that. I’m with you Debra on the New Years resolution……. think i might break that quickly though! safe keeping all. x
Amy, After reading your comments this morning, I felt compelled to write to you. I think the biggest problem for you is really, truly accepting that your ex really doesn’t want to have a relationship with you anymore and you just want things to be the way they once were. I can say this because I am in the same boat. It is so hard, when we remember the good times, and how thankful we were for these wonderful men in our lives, and the love and the intimacy, that they can forget that and move on. But they can and they do because they are not wired the way we are. I have finally come to admit that if he had really loved me and cherished me the way I did him, he would never have left. I have to come to terms with the fact that he is not crying as I am, (the skin around my eyes is actually raw and dark purple from crying so many hours every single day and night for three months) and he has moved on with his life. It only shows me that I am only hurting myself. That things can never be the way I want them to be because that is not what he wants. This is so hard…hard is such a mild word for it. We have to completely wipe out our hopes and dreams, our memories, our love, everything, because our ex doesn’t feel the same as we do. Yes, it is unfair. But we have to decide, (and I just really did this yesterday and I hope I can stick with it) that we won’t let them ruin our future. They have already hurt us enough, and only because we have let them. It is so hard to put the brakes on ourselves and refuse to be hurt anymore, but I have decided I will not live in the past, or in a fantasy world anymore. I am now praying for a husband, (no more living common law, if they love me they will marry me) who will love and cherish me as I will him. I know God has someone for me somewhere out there, and I am going to spend my time trusting Him, and allowing my emotions and my spirit to heal, and my body to get back into balance, so I am ready for this wonderful man who is coming. That is faith, and I am praying for even more of it. And I feel the same about Christmas as you, and I am not putting up a tree either for the same reasons. I don’t want to sit and look at it and cry even more. But I am digging out the nativity scene today and putting it in a prominent place because that is really what Christmas is all about. I am going to try to think of others who don’t have the blessings I have and reach out to help them enjoy Christmas this year. Even maybe going to a nursing home and asking to see someone who has no family or visitors at all and taking some small gift and spending some time with them because they are even more lonely than I am and they are helpless, with no future to speak of. I know I can have a wonderful future if I just learn to let go of the past. I heard something yesterday that really helped me. It was, “Just think, before you met your ex and before you loved and experienced all those wonderful things, you didn’t even know he existed.” So that is how I am thinking of my future now. There is more love, more wonder, more joy out there for me, it’s just I don’t know where it is yet, but I am going to be open to receive it when it comes. God Bless
Another awful day, was crying today in work in my lunch break, my ex sms me and told me it was best that I forget him, that he is no good for me and to old for me!! If only it was as easy to turn my emotions off!! I cry so much and the dark circles under my eyes are unbelievable, I feel like I have aged so much since we split. Whenever I see couples holding hands it fills me with so much sadness. I cant sleep, I only eat when I remember to. I keep thinking when is this pain going to stop but, I do think I know the answer to that …. when I break complete contact with him but, I am so scared to do this, because I feel that will be the final goodbye but, I know deep within me that is the answer and I have to do it to allow myself to move forward. I wish the christmas season was over, I really do not know how I will cope, especially knowing that my ex is going skiing!!! Amazing how he has moved on so quickly!! Take care all x
Hi again ..
The last time I wrote anything here was November around my x-wedding day but I went through the messages and I feel sorry for everyone who had to go through thr road of a broken heart. I have a new thing coming in my life o_O
Well my x-fiancee is getting engaged !!!! Well I just found in one of the worst way as well, someone who was always jealous of me came to me one day at my break and told me that they heard that this guy pruposed to some girl *I didn’t meet but I heard of, she is like the cousin of someone i know* and when she asked why we split, he said so and so .. Ofcourse I thought he would be much decent and respectful but saying all those aweful stuff ..
without me relising, I had tears in my eyes
.. I just couldn’t believe he was so mean to leave me without a reason and then to tell lies like these and oh was I shrinking in that room? I can’t believe I once loved him and wanted to build a life with him! People were giving me looks and I live in a small town so it is like everyone knows everyone. I am hurt, badly and when I thought I came to heal and I feel much better, this all came .. Now he is getting engaged ?! I don’t care for him anymore and he hurt me so much that any love is left but I feel so sad that he had to hurt me even when he got engaged. Why he had to say those aweful things about me? Why he want to ? He could just say it never worked out, different life views and stuff!!
I didn’t show up to work since that day *5 days now* and I feel not in the mood to be out. I am a very private person and I don’t like my life details goes in public and he knows me very well because I was so honest and direct so he is doing everything and using everyway to hurt me, telling every little details.. like when we did this and when we did this .. he even ran in to my cousin and talked to him about few things as well !!!
He is turning my family to give me looks and question my acts and I never want this to go in public and I am never answering any of their questions why I have to? I mean does him saying things and being a PIG mean I should be one? and how can people trust he is telling the truth ?
I am so broken and around me, people act like if I am making things up or acting the pain or just questioning that if I am ever honest!! They are being so rude to me and I just discovered I collected a lot of people who envy me on few things or 2 in my life.. It is my bad that I was always happy and content with anything I had in my life, my parents raised me that way and I always was that way so people got to envy me because I always seem happy and I enjoy life. I don’t stress things or complicate the problems, I just let things go and I find way to un-tie the knots in my life.. I just never let a closed door upset me for more than a day and if it did, I try to listen to the wiser people in my life and that is again one of the reasons my x-fiancee left me, he couldn’t drive me to be pissed off, lose my mind or act wrong ..
I am only 23 by the way and I know life is infront of me.. I think other than being raised good, I am having a good life and a successful life, well I don’t have a job anymore, my warnings left me without a job but I can’t work anymore especially not in that place were everyone know him and he had a contract with the company I work for, he just show up every month and so and I hated to come across him .. I some how grow weak when I do even though I am hurt and left, I feel weak around him
I was always the good girl, the smart student and the lovely daughter. I wanted to be the great wife but he was a complete ass and he deserve a PIG not a wife. I feel sorry for whoever will fall for him and I don’t want any good girl to be hurt by him because he is a really bad guy.
I just thought I will drop by and do the quiz about my feelings .. it says I feel Emptyness and that just put tears in to my eyes ,, yes I did love him, I thought he is my soul mate, I was there 100% for him when he gave me a 10% only of him .. if he was just honest and never wear masks, I wouldn’t be here hurt and in pain .. I wish I will heal sometime soon ..
I am an x-fiancee , we know each other for 7 years and he was abroad in the last 3 of them .. we got engaged and our wedding was taking a place on November.. I thought I know the person but in those 3 years he left and was away, he totally changed and he became someone I never knew. Or I never had a chance to really know him >< ..
And yea he is my first love and my x-only one and I never loved, had a relationship with any other guy
..
I knew him since 17 and we grew to love each other, started dating before my 20th birthday and then got engaged before he leave.. We arranged our wedding to match the date of his arrival .. We sure planned few months to catch and enjoy each other since he left and lived away for 3 years but seems like he changed and I am glad, I didn’t plan our wedding anything earlier , because we were almost booking May for the Wedding but I am glad we couldn’t because some of our family memberes won’t be around ..
HI all – I have a similar story to all of you. I was recently divorced, and thought that I had found the real person that I was supposed to be with. He was my prom date from 20 years ago, desperately in love with me back then, and after just getting out of a 13 year loveless relationship I thought this was perfection. But he wasn’t the same person, he regularly punished me for not feeling this way about him back then, and was really damaged. He had just started his divorce, showered me with affection one minute and told me I was sufficating him the next. Because I believed in fate and karma I held on even tighter, waiting for him to finally “fess up” to feeling the same way about me that I felt about him. Because of course he still loved me, even after all this time had past, even with the different directions we had taken, etc. I was delusional. I was so hurt from my previous break-up that I was looking for the “safe bet”. And when he wasn’t all into me I forced myself on him, trying to make him remember how he felt about me when he was 18.
One thing I have learned from this program is that I can’t talk someone into loving me, and no matter how strong my feelings are for them if they don’t feel it too it is useless. I also learned that he is not the “God” that I made him out to be in my mind. I wanted the fairy tale, I thought we met again for a reason. Instead of looking at the real person (overweight, underpaid, insecure, selfish) I idolized what I thought he COULD be, and what we could be together.
I get weak all the time, because he was my friend before and after a year he was very entwined in my life. But I know that I was led down this path for a reason, and that there is much better stuff waiting for me down the road!
I am glad that I don’t see a lot of posts from the people that were posting around the holidays. I hope that you are all well and moving on and better with your situation. If not please come back and talk about it, it really does help.
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