Step 12: Working Backwards
Imagine for a moment that you were taking a road trip, but had no real destination in mind. You decide to leave for this trip with no map, no plan, and no route. You know the starting point and may have an idea about the destination, but every time there was an option like a 4-way stop or a fork in the road, it would be a source of confusion – even stress. Which way do I turn? What if I go the wrong way and waste my time?
Most of us would never leave on that trip without getting directions online or at least using a traditional map. Yet, ironically, many of us travel through the extended trip of life with no plan at all. It’s time to make a plan. Creating short and long term goals will provide you purpose, alleviate stress, and get you back on track to your better, brighter, future.
If you are thinking, “Hey, I did have goals, they just included my ex” - I understand. Now that this person is no longer there, the goals may seem irrelevant. I want to clarify something: goals are always relevant. During the course of life, when the unexpected happens, we benefit from the ability to revise our aspirations. Yes, a huge monkey wrench has been thrown into your path, but this is a challenge you are going to take on and overcome.
So, how do you go about setting new goals? When your life objectives are blurry in the short term, extend it out to the very long term and then work backwards. To clarify, I want you to think far, far into the future. Imagine this – you are 85 years old. You are grey, but still distinguished 
. You are sitting in your wicker rocking chair swaying to and fro whilst three young children - your grandchildren – sit quietly in your lap. Surrounding your feet are several other grand kids of varying ages. They all look up at you with curious eyes. They are anxious for the answer to their question, “Grandma(pa), what was your life like?” Answer their question in the exercise below. When you’re done, take the next step.
Read and add your own comments below. When you’re ready…
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I am going to enter the local drawing competition by the end of sept. I am going to win the competition!
i wish you luck flippy
good luck flippy! ^ ^
I hope he will be back. He hurt me deeply, but I still don’t change my hope. I know I am crazy and I know this hope is impossible. I still will pray everyday and tell the God. I hope he will be back again.
I will keep getting out of bed every day and keep breathing – it’s a good start for a goal
this is all so hard, i feel empty and broken inside. I WILL TRY MY HARDEST TO SET, AND COMPLETE MY GOALS!
not sure if this helps anyone but i’m trying this…
- my biggest problem is trying to avoid contact with her. i want to have her back but after talking with her i realize that it just isn’t happening anytime soon. plus she loves someone else now so i really want to stop wasting my time. so my strategy is:
– not talking to her or sending her any messages for an entire month. instead, ill focus on my job and finding and meeting new people and women. after that month, if i still love her, reach out to her and let her know that my love hasnt died. if she still doesnt want to give it another chance, then go 2 months without contact and if i still feel the same, then reach out to her. after 2 months, go 3. i’ll keep going longer and longer until eventually so much time has passed i’ll either move on with someone else, or just completely get over her. any thoughts??
My goal is not to call my wife till the time she wants to call me and talk to me with love and compassion not just call me for money as she usally has done in the past. I will keep my cool and not be stupid to call her. If required, I will cry in the pillow and cry myself to sleep. I have to make her reliaze my value rather than me telling her what my value is. I am planning to wait as long as it takes for her to call me. I hoping and praying that she calls me sooner than later.
jay … I like that. Short term goal into a long term. Good luck.
For starters: I will laugh every day! I will live each day like I always have. I don’t have to change and become something I’m not just because he’s not there with me anymore.
I want to spend my time starting the non profit I’ve always talked about … I’ve always wanted to help and I have so much love to give. I won’t feel it’s wasted.
I want to go back to school to complete my degree … even if I’m going with my sons to college!
Going to focus on studying, I suppose.
right now, my goal is being able to get out of bed and function like a normal human being. I have kids who rely on me, a very demanding job and more responsilbility than I feel like I can handle sometimes. I was really getting my shit together after my separation when I met this guy. He was comforting at first. I wish I had been firm and just left it at friendship. Why, oh why did I get all freaky and insecure and let it advance to a romantic relationship?? I wasn’t ready for it and now I screwed it up with my clinginess. I can’t help but wonder if I had just played it cool, maybe he would still be in my life instead of ignoring my texts like an angry little boy. My goals? Just to keep my finger off the send message button on my phone. He wants time to think…but where the hell does that leave me?
My first one will be getting my driver’s licence (he always told me he’d teach me)… maybe one day I can pick him up somewhere (or hit him with my car?)
I like your goals, Jay. Am going to try it myself! It’s so hard not call or text.
my goal is to move on and thnx to him im heartless!!
i love him to much !
i tried telling him he never listens
he dont care and he treats me like shit
and i always forgive him but
not this time it hurts me to say goodbye but is the best for me !
ill be single forever and ill break hearts like people always break mine
idont kno why it always happend to me?
i know im not ugly ! but they always use me and im tired so fuck love !!!!!!
That is good goal to go without calling or texting I have a blackberry and so did he and we always used blackberry messenger all the time. We broke up over 3 months ago but still continued to talk everyday after the break up because he wanted us to be friends. Which I agreed to because I was scared to be alone and I am very insecure since we are no longer together. This was one of the hardest thing I ever had to do because each time I heard he was going out having fun enjoying his life it hurt so much like the break up all over again and all because he was doing these things without me. I finally got the nerve to tell him I cannot do this friendship thing anymore. I straight up asked him why he does want to be with me but still when we talk or go out we act like we are still together. I said I cannot do that anymore act like your girlfriend and I am not I said I want the whole thing the good and the bad of a relationship. He simply told me that “me and him dont work and we have tried” basically NO. That was enough for me to say to myself I deserve better than feeling like shit every time we have a good talk or go out but then he puts the boundaries on when I get too close cause now we are just friends. It just felt like breaking up all over again and it spins me into a world of hurt and anxiety. I felt like I was his drug and he only needed his fix from me time time. BUT NO MORE. It’s going to be 1 week since I have not text, email, messenger through blackberry or called. So what do I do now, I reward myself! Dont forget for all your long or short term goals treat yourself reward yourself. I am so proud of myself and soon I know I will stop counting the days and it will just come naturally. I am healing becoming a stronger better person more and more secure with being single, so I thank my heart-breaker for this because if this did not happen I would not have re-programmed myself to be happier with me. You can do it I promise every time you go to hit send just remember he or she doesn’t want you and we were independent people before them and all this love you have inside will be for someone way more deserving who can handle all of what you have to offer. Be strong and have faith in yourself!
my fiance and I broke up on july 7th…and the pain is still so intense for me…we were supposed to be married this past saturday sept 26th…I have had no contact with him…how do you go from almost getting married to NO contact
what so ever!!! IT HURTS SO FREAKN MUCH!!! I pray to god to please help ease this pain…but nothing!!! Dear GOD PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
Dear Cindy,
My story is not as painful as yours I assume. But I do know how uncomfortable you migth feel right now… Wish I can help you somehow.
It will go away, trust me it will. One day you wake up and you will see that th epain is gone and you are ready to move on….
Best of luck to you..
Hey Cindy,
My heart goes out to you, sincerely. I know how much you are hurting because I am hurting the same and I am now an old lady, 66 yrs old and I was supposed to be at a surprise party 2000 miles away on Sept 25th with mine but he walked out Sept 15th.
All I can say is that he is the loser, and that is not just a platitude. Only people who love much can hurt as deeply as you are hurting. He obviously does not have the ability to love as deeply as you. Just stop for a minute and try to ignore your pain and think, what on earth would it have been like to have married this man who didn’t love me the way I loved him? It would have been hell on earth, each and every day after the honeymoon wore off. Be so thankful to God that He didn’t allow you to marry this creep. God has someone else for you, someone who will truly love you and cherish you, but you have to really work at letting go of your former fiance. You have to have your hands and your heart open to receive the good stuff that’s coming.
Holding on to this guy is not going to ease your pain, it is only going to intensify it. You have to tell yourself, and mean it, that you are GLAD you didn’t marry this loveless, heartless man. You are so lucky and some day you will look back and wonder what in the world you were crying for when you should have been celebrating.
God Bless
Thank you so much for your comments…your encouraging words really helped me to get a smile……I pray to GOD EVERYDAY…to please help me….but hopefully his silence is because he is doing things behind the scenes….I pray that I will one day beable to experience happiness one again…a happiness unlike anything that I have ever known…everyone keeps telling me what a catch I am…but I don’t understand if I am such a catch why did my fiance treat me so badly????
Dear Cindy, (This is the same Mary as before)
Over the years I have found that men treat us badly because we let them do it. His leaving July 7th can’t have been the first cruel thing he has done to you. We all get warning flags but we refuse to see them. I should have known better myself because I have had experience with heartbreak before, and I think that deep down inside I had a feeling the pain was coming again from this guy. But I so much did not want to believe it that I turned away from the little warning signs that had been going on for months and continued on with my eyes wide shut.We were together six years…it is hard to give up on it but I must.
You ARE a good catch for the RIGHT man, but he was NOT the right man. If he had been the right one, you would be married right now. It hurts, I know, but it’s true! You have to realize this…your prayers are being answered, but just not with the answers you want right now. We humans often want things that are bad for us. Your former fiance has proven by his actions that he was bad for you. He did not respect you, nor did he value you for the precious woman you are or the great capacity for love that you have. He is the loser because some day he is going to need that love but you will be giving it to a man who deserves it and loves you back the same way.
It’s good that you pray and I know your prayers will be answered. The pain will go away, but perhaps by suffering this pain for awhile longer it is teaching you to listen to that still small voice that leads you, that tried to lead you away from this creep before you got engaged. I know you know what I mean. Listen to this voice in the future when you are choosing another mate. Ask God to direct you and to give you discernment, and He will. Then LISTEN to HIm.
And for the immediate pain, perhaps you could try this. Try to find someone who is really in need of something, either physical or emotionsl, and force your mind to push thoughts of your ex out, and really concentrate on this needy person for awhile. I don’t mean for days, but perhaps just for a half hour to start with. Then just see if you feel better…I believe you will.
I am not a know it all, and I’m sorry if I am coming across that way, but I have been around the block quite a few times and I am beating myself up for having been so stupid once again. I just want you to realize you have power over your life by choosing wisely and then you will not have to visit this “Pain of Rejection” again.
God Bless
I meant concentrate on helping that needy person, not just contemplating their pain. Sorry.
wow Cindy, that’s awful. I really feel bad for you.
My ex-man and I were supposed to get married, but it was vague and in the future. I am the one that broke it off because of his hoarding and financial immaturity. This hurts so much because it’s more of an intellectual decision and not a heart decision. My heart is screaming “I hate you, you are an idiot, he’s so sweet”. But 1 minute at his house and I know I have made the correct decision for me. It’s still awful and very painful.
Thank you trinity….Your kind words help me soooo much!!! The pain is still so terrible…but way deep down in my heart…I also know that this break up is for the best…I obviously have better things coming my way!!! (hopefully soon!)…I will be OK…I know that it will take sometime…but ultimately I WILL BE OK!! Everyone says that it is his loss…oh yeah I forgot to mention that he did have an anger management problem….talk about eyes wide shut…the warning flags were there from the get go but I chose to not see them for some reason!!! STUPID ME!!!!
Cindyt, that’s a blessing that this marriage didn’t happen, I married twice with warning flags waving. Both failures, but they both broke my heart. I hope and pray you learn everything the right way and not like me!
Cindy,
my story is similar to yours .. we were suppose to get married this Nov 20th ! we broke up, well he just left by June and I am in October, still suffering. I went on a vacation with my family the day we ended everything. The day he came to take everything he gave me! He demanded them and it hurts to be treated like a pig when you did nothing even by his words. We just never fit and I always felt not comforable… So love, affection, gifts and romantic walks ? all our sweet loving moments? What are they? I hate everycorner of my life because I had a sweet memory with him at. I hate a lot of my favourite spots because he simply shared me a memory at them too. I don’t like my morning coffee because of a stupid joke we had about it… that’s how I feel ! Everything around me is my enemy and my mind is directed to think about him … to love him because I was shocked by his *not feeling* . I was in a middle of love and trying to built a life when he was careless and actually not wanting to build a life together. I am so hurt and I cry until now … it is 4 months now almost and I still hit my lowest several times. I am in a huge pain and I don’t even know why.. I got no reason from him, he just didn’t replay or answer my calls/emails and he left by telling dad he want us apart. He also made someone come pick his things and I got nothing left from him but a big question : WHY? why ? why? … I thought he loved me, he cared for me and the more I search for a reason the more I come to believe he was a sick guy, a really sick guy .. I hope my heart heals because I am really in pain and I want to forget him .. I want him to be dead to me.
Cindy, remember that God works through people (and circumstances, too). If what people have said on this site have helped you, that’s God taking care of you, listening to your prayers. If friends tell you you’re a catch, that’s God reassuring you that you’re beautiful and loveable. Keep praying, and you’ll keep getting the answers you need. Just be sure you’re open to the message.
Selina, I too had someone just up and leave me after 17yrs together, he sent me a text message and told me he didn’t want to talk to me and he didn’t know when he would. I was shocked, cause I didn’t see it coming. It was right after Mothers Day, and still today my heart hurts, I have my good days where I think I am really going to be able to cope with this, and then along comes a day when I feel really weepy, the least little thing will set off the tears. I have read book after book on the subject of dealing with heartbreak and grief, and I have realized that sometimes we have to go through the pain to get to the other side. I think if he had provided some closure, maybe it would have been different, but that is all I got from him, no explanation as to why, he won’t talk to me, won’t take my calls, ignores my text messages. And it makes me feel like yesterdays trash he threw out, like I didn’t mean anything to him. But, I try so hard not to dwell on it, I take solace in the fact that one day I won’t feel this pain, I pray to God everyday, all day sometimes, that he gives me the strength to endure, because there have been times when I didn’t think I would make it thru the day. I loved this man with all my heart, and he has hurt me deep down in my soul. But I take it one day at a time, I get up and go to work every morning, I put on the smiling face for my co-workers and everyone around me, but they have no idea the pain I feel inside. Makes you wonder when a person can do something so cowardly, what they see when they look in the mirror at themselves.
I read all these comments and see that the main issue or goal for most of us is to try and avoid contact the object of our affection and the reason for our broken heart.
That probably is the first and most difficult step in the process of separating and healing the wound.
So I’ll make it my own goal as well.
No smsing, no emails, no phone calls.No cards, no articles emailed.
Funny that dumping someone can hurt just as much as being dumped!!!
I agree with flo; my goals are: to make exercise monday, wednesday and friday. And of course I´ll try to avoid smsing, mails facebook.
It is really hard to leave that special one but at the end I think that things always happens for a gooooood reason.
Hi, I chanced upon this website while googling on “how to heal a heartbreak”. My relationship was not as long as some of yours but was very intense and I loved him with all my heart. He was everything I hope for: sensitive, loving, intelligent, generous and he even told me that he intend to propose soon and told me to start choosing a wedding gown. He was so sure about this and I was sure that he is the one. Imagine my shock when one day, he told me that he feels that something is missing in our relationship. And if he doesn’t find it, he will be miserable for the rest of his life. And the only way for him to find out what is missing is to date other gals. I was crushed and felt… stupid. If I had any backbone I would have recognize this as the sign to walk away. Instead, for 6 more months, I was trying to piece all of these together, trying to make all these work. He said he would try too. But time and again, he keep breaking my heart by telling me things like, he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, he feels that we are just friends, he doesn’t really see a future, he doesn’t see me as his wife, etc. This is so ironic because he used to say that I was the love of his life, that he has never met someone like me, etc. Turned out that he didn’t know what he was talking about.
It has been more than 1 month since our breakup. He said that we should not contact each other for 1 month. He contacted me before 1 month was up. He hugged me in front of our co-workers (we work together). I was so thrown off. I worked so hard to get over him for that month and I thought I was on my way to recovery, and now I am a complete wreck again. It is as if I am back to the first 2 weeks after the breakup. I cry every night, hate him, hate myself and feel teary at the slightest reminder of him. I know that I will get better, someone better will come along, etc etc. But for now, I am still suffering. I have great plans my new life without him. I am going to try to get over him all over again. This time, I will not let him throw me off again.
I am really beginning to see that so many of our ex’s seem to be getting a great deal of pleasure by opening up the wounds again by having some sort of contact. I really do think many of them are “sick” and without the ability to really love. They only love themselves and their egos get blown up knowing some poor schmuck still loves them even after they have behaved horribly. I really think we all have to cut that cord, the invisible one that is made up of a secret hope that they will come back and everything will be okay. If they come back, everything will not be okay. They will only repeat the process sometime down the road. I know because it happened to me! I have heard in a breakup there is only one parachute and the person who loves the least gets it. Realize that your tears, and mine, are there because we have a great capacity for loving, and we have tender hearts. Don’t harden your heart because somewhere out there I know there is someone who will love you and neither of you will ever even need the parachute. That’s what I’m hoping for. I’m praying for you all, prayer is finally beginning to heal my broken, smashed heart.
I think you are right Mary, its been almost 6 months for me, and the only contact I have had with my ex was when he sent me a text a week or so ago to wish me a happy birthday. I have also held on to that “secret hope” that someday we will get back together, but in the meantime, I have to go on with my life, there are days when I want to call him up, but I refuse to do it, he initiated the breakup not me, and he has to be the one to make the first move. Prayer is what has kept me strong thru all of this. And I will come thru it a much stronger person, I won’t be so willing to accept the things I have put up with before.
GOD bless you all, please keep the faith…..
Yes, Libralyn, I know exactly how you feel, and I did that five years ago, waited for him to make the first move, and he did, right before Christmas. I felt my prayers were answered, I was on top of the world, I didn’t know I could be that happy, I was exploding with love and joy. And he promised if it took him the rest of his life he would make it up to me, that I was his only, one, true love etc. I felt like my heart would take flight, I was so happy. And all went well for a number of years. But last May he started cheating on me with the same woman he left me for the first time. They are both retired now, have enormous pensions, she owns a million dollar house up north and a half million dollar one in Florida and she is gorgeous like a movie star. Then In Sept he left me for her again. It makes me wonder about all those “good” years in between. Was he seeing her then too? Actually I know it would not do me any good to know that. But at my age, and being very poor and with lots of wrinkles because I can’t afford plastic surgery, I can see how a shallow man like that would jump ship for her. But I know it will not work out for them because they are both selfish, spoiled cheaters and liars and they will eventually clash because each will be thinking only of themselves. But this time, if he tries to come back again, I have made up my mind I will not be there for him. I just pray God will send someone wonderful to me because I don’t want to be alone for these last few years of my life. I know there is some good man out there who is praying for the same thing, and I believe God will answer both our prayers and put us together. So what I am saying to you is, don’t wait for him to make the first move. Just practice in your mind how you will turn him down when he does, because if he gets back with you after what he did, he will take it as license that he can do the same thing again whenever he feels like it, and it hurts a lot more when it happens a second time. Don’t be a fool like I was. Move on, and God bless.
My ex came home and said flatly he hadn’t loved me for a long time. We were married seven years and have 3 young children together.
It’s been six months and he has already replaced me. Meanwhile, anyone and everyone I had gotten even a bit close to runs away, tells me there is too much drama in my life. I mean, seriously? No $#^! Like I wanted this.
Aren’t there any good, nice, compassionate guys who don’t mind if someone needs a shoulder to cry on at times?
Why do emotions make men run. I explore/live my emotions whether good or bad to understand WTF is going on in me, get it out, and try to get on.
Why must I hold it all in and pretend for a guy? They say they want someone whose ‘real’ and ‘honest’ but that’s not true. They want someone to caress their ego, be perfect and smiliing all the time, and adore them.
I want someone to adore me for once.
That’s what I am hoping to get with this change. Maybe some day I’ll meet someone who really DOES care about me AND my feelings and my creative, artist brain which does hoola-hoops at times. Another artist? ANyone? but not musicians, especially not drummers. So far, they’ve all been the worst! Sorry musicians.
It has been 3 months since I broke up with the man who I so deeply love. I am still overwhelmed with sadness. I feel deeply used by him, he gave me so many promises and broke each and every one of them. It does not matter where I am, what I am doing, the tears still fall, I didnot realise a person could cry so much for another. I managed this week to not text him for 5 days (the longest), the weekend arrives and I crumble. I cannot believe how incredibly close that we were and now it is all over, he will not talk with me, he will not explain to me why he gave me so many empty promises. I think it will take me a very long time to recover from him and I do not know if I will be capable of ever trusting again.
Libralyn dear, when I read your comment you don’t know how much I felt not alone. I wasn’t no more feeling it alone and it somehow gave me strength. I am not in the same pain I was in but I am still in pain but you know, it is exactly as you said; I can live with it.
Mary, I totally agree with you! I see that a lot of us was in a relationship with devils. I can’t count my ex as a human any more I actually deleted him from the humanity list because trying to see human acts coming from his side is worthless and won’t ever happen. He still have me on his messenger and on facebook. I blocked and deleted him on MSN and when I removed him on facebook; he did nothing but last wednesday he sent me a request to add me back. I am glad I stopped the blamming phase *the one includes me trying to find things in myself to blame for his leave*.
I am glad I have someone to talk to and have him/her knowing what I talk about. Other people like my parents or friends, they are really loving and helpful but they want me to go over it like erase it and go on with my life which surely mean to act like that period never happened and be all joyful and cheerful again. No one wants to see me hurt or crying in the bathroom between time to time. I hided my feelings for a long time because they always gave me the feelings, they don’t understand or I confuse them when I feel sad. I am a loner by myself when it comes to feelings, and I am more a listener type which listen and try to comfort others so most people will panic because I am there rock and the one who brings smiles to them. I am glad I can speak to someone about it now without them asking me to stop my feelings or try to alter them .. This website made a huge change in my recovery
Thank you.
My goal. So many of my goals were with her. So, were they really mine? I wanted to be a good man, good for someone – good for life for somebody to love. No-one can be that all the time. I wanted to be there for her – to be there the way she was for me, but I’m no angel, I’m just a man. I’m just the one angels walk with for awhile until they go back to whatever must be heaven; in the meantime, I do what I can. I’ve seen the tears on my face painted, carved in time and they never sink in. I’ve felt this pain before, in another life I’m thinking. Another blue angel disappears and I’m left here – I thought to save her someday too. Such lofty goals for one so dear, but what else are you gonna do? They say if you love somebody, set them free. Is that what I’m doing for her, or what she did for me? I’m just an earthbound soul, daring angels to spread their wings. She, like a song I could never sing, like an angel passing through my room – the shiver I get from her memory, gone too soon – is all I feel here now. I’m just a mortal soul who wants to be good someday, or good enough, but how? My goal was to be more to her than a pet. My goal was never mine, but how could I forget? Some of it should have been, but the love I had was not for myself. I wanted to make a home for us – a home not like this world, but like somewhere else. My goal was to survive just long enough to make her smile again, to make her proud or take her somewhere she had no pain. My goal was to find a little heaven with her here. My goal now: no more fairy tales, and upon the new canvas, no more tears. My goal is to find a beautiful, mortal soul as broken as mine – to give myself over one last time. To find again a love that’s true – but with my dumb luck, she’ll be an angel, too.
Here I am once again…it is now going on 4 months…pain is STILL THERE!!! I pray every single day!!! EVERYDAY!!! Dear GOD….please,please help me through this agony and pain…the suffering is so intense!!! But hey guess what…the other day out of the blue….I met a guy on a dating web site…i just got on the site just to see what would happen… i was very reluctant…but as of right now i am so glad i did…I think that the good lord is finally trying to tell me something…i believe that this man that i met is a blessing for god….this is a true story…when I first broke up with my fiance in july a few weeks later I went out and bought a journel…I started to write my prayers in this journel…everyday…praying to god…expressing all my pain and suffering…..one day last september..I made an entry…I listed about 20 things that I was looking for in my ideal mate….yesterday i met him for the first time in person…we went for a cup of coffee and just sat and talked…he was a dream come true…he treated me better in two hours than my ex-fiance treated me in two years!! A real gentleman!!! Last night I sat down and re-read his profile on the dating web site..and wouldn’t you know that almost everything that I had written down in my journal…was almost identical to EVERYTHING on his profile!!!! and the topper….out of probably a million people on there…guess what….he lives probably 50 miles from me…but would you believe that he and I do the exact same job…for the state that we live in…we work for the same department but in total different facilities!!! What are the odds!!!! coincidence? Or is is GOD at work…..so my suggestion to all of you is to look to the heavens and pray to the good lord and he will help you through this….I am a little scared because evrything seems to good to be true right now…I just hope to not be hurt again…I don’t think that ai can ever go through this again…I am going to be so careful with my heart…(my healing broken heart)
Cindy!! you have been praying, God answers prayers!! Like you said Be Careful. But it sounds sweet. Gives us hope?
To wake up everyday, smile, tell myself I am a nice person and that he is a total idiot for letting me go!
remember god works in mysterious ways……and one day (hopefully soon) WE WILL ALL BE OK!!!! we will…..all we have to do is have FAITH and trust in our dear lord and savior!!!! He will take care of us ALL!!!
I am going to quit looking at FB, he has added about 800 friends and 1/2 of them are beautiful sexy youngish women, it’s pretty icky as we are older, he is 60 y/o. I wonder what his kids think?
Even if I were still young, I hope I would not put a penthouse looking photo of myself on FB.
And I am going to quit checking my email all the time, which is really difficult since I got that damn iPhone.
Hi All, I just came across this website today. All of your stories are sad and terrible and I feel bad as I cant offer any consolation as I don’t know how to. I do feel comfort in your stories knowing I’m not alone in the pain I am feeling. I’m only 26 but I was going out with my child hood sweetheart for over 9 years. We were so happy and I love him more then anything in this world. I looked forward to the day he would propose to me. Everyday I loved to call and text him so many times, he would laugh at me. We broke up in mid July, although I know its nearly 4 months later the pain I feel is as though it only happened today. I can not stop crying every morning and night. I have an hours drive to and from work daily and I cry all the way here and home again and cry myself to sleep. Tears just flow down my cheeks as I sit at my desk. I watch my phone continuously. I have never cried so much. What happened is – I felt him become a bit distant over the 6 months before we broke up and I confronted him one night, 2 weeks later he said things changed between us and that it was just different. I feel so rejected and deserted. He told me over the years I was the love of his life and he would love and protect me always and that he was scared of anything ever happening to me. He use to tell me he was lucky to call me his girlfriend, he never wanted anyone else. He said when he broke up that he couldn’t make me happy, that he tried but he couldn’t. I know I have been down a lot but I was going through some family issues and work problems but he understood but I know myself I couldn’t let them go. I know I wasn’t happy in myself but I used him as a crutch, I never though it bother him seeing me unhappy, I thought he didn’t mind listening to me complain constantly. I know I took him for granted but he wont even give me a chance to try now. I know he said he tried but it takes 2 people and I believe in my heart if we had a chance I would try so hard. I feel everyone gets a chance but I never did. I am a very good person but I spend my life trying to make everyone happy and the one person who meant the most to me I let down. We never ever fought or argued in 9 years only cared and loved each other – does that alone not deserve a chance?. I know we fell into a rut after being together so long and from a young age but all relationships do don’t they? I love so very much and I don’t know how to let go. I need proper answers to why things changed, obviously our relationship would change as we weren’t 16,17,18 any more so it was bound to change but he doesn’t seem to understand that. All I wanted was him. I have wrote heart filled texts to him and even sent a letter but he wont answer my questions. We have met a few times the last time was 5 weeks ago, when we were together you could feel the attraction, I know he still is attracted to me and still is so comfortable around me. He said he of course he still loved me that after nearly 10 years you don’t stop loving someone but he said love is not enough? I feel that love is the one thing you can not work on, you can work on happiness and everything but if you don’t love someone you can not make yourself. If he loves me and I love him surely its worth working on? I want to believe there is hope, but he wont give it to me. My family and friends find it so hard to see me upset, I’m trying to put on a brave face but I find it so hard. I sent him a message on Tuesday asking to meet but he only replied with a general text, how is work and never answered my question. On Wednesday then I text saying I am not going to keep asking him to meet me but I missed him and I can not understand why we are doing this and that by him not answering me is killing me but he never replied. My step now is not to text him anymore until he texts me first. My goal is Christmas day, I will text him then. Now I’m panicking that Christmas is coming closer and i wont have him in my life. It is such special time for me and he made my hard times with my family feel good because just knowing I had him in my life made me feel so lucky. I am so proud of him, he is such a wonderful person and I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me. I do want him to be happy, I just cant understand how that is without me. Thanks for listening to me. Sorry for the long drawn out post, It helps to write it down. I think I have all my poor family and friends worn out but I have never felt so much pain. I actually find it unbearable at times. I hope you all are holding up ok too.
Hi Amy, I just read your message and I can relate so much to what you wrote. I also broke up with my partner in July and just like you, he will not give me answers to my questions, he will not meet with me but, he still sends me sms which really confuses me, because I think if this man really does not want to know me anymore than why does he send/respond to sms. Christmas I am dreading. Sometimes when I wake up the tears are there before I properly awake and like you, driving to work I cry, coming home I cry, I did not realise I could cry so much for another person. I have exhausted all my friends with my tears and my trying to rationalize what happened. Take care Amy, I truly hope one day we will wake up and the sun will shine and we will not even think about these men.
Hey Debra and Amy, I think I know why these men still want to remain in touch with you but not in a committed relationship. It may sound harsh, but the truth is harsh and cruel. Don’t you see how it is inflating these mens’ egos to have a woman so in love with them. That’s why they say things like they still love you but love is not enough. They want to know they are loved, even if they don’t give any love in return. Love is a verb, not an adjetive. If they love us, they should be with us and show us that love. Just saying they still love you isn’t love. Mine tried the same thing, sending me an email asking if we could still be friends. I wrote him back and cut things off with him completely and told him I didn’t want to hear from him in any manner shape or form ever again. This is the only way to start healing. Contact with them only keeps the wound open and bleeding. Yes, it hurt me a lot to do this, but I figured out that if they really had loved us, they would not have left us. It is that simple. It is hard to take, hard to swallow, but it has to be true because as Amy said, you can work on all the other problems but love. We cannot make someone else love us, and we cannot make ourselves stop loving them. I just keep reminding myself that it really is great for him to be able to be such a rat and still have me in love with him and waiting with open arms in case his new love doesn’t work out. That’s exactly what happened the first time we broke up five years ago, and now he has left me again for the same woman. And I don’t think it will work out for them this time either, but this time I won’t be his safety net waiting for him to fall into my arms again. If we let them do this, they might come back, but they will always be looking for something better and just using us to fill in because they know no matter how mean they are, or how many times they leave us, all they have to do is say they love us and we will take them back. Ladies, (and gentlemen too) we have to wake up and be strong. I really mean it. I cry too, hours and hours every day for over two months now. But I believe that eventually the tears will dry up and I hope I meet a man worthy of my precious love. And I hope and pray the same for every single soul on this site.
It’s so strange blogging to people I don’t know but here we go. I just read one from a young girl, maybe mid 20′s who wrote a very long post about her only love for nine years. You are going to have a tough time girl because you’ve loved him since a child of 16. Nows the time to find your own strength and the woman in you.
As for me, I was married seven years to a man who never really respected my views or opinions. Actually, I believe I was the subtle victim of a slight case of emotional abuse. ‘Yah, I love you’ he’d say or kiss me on the cheek on the way out the door…but then his ‘real actions’ wouldn’t line up. It was so subtle, not buying flowers or cards and being agitated on wedding anniversaries. When I got pregnant [we have three] he would be agitated and angry with me for the first year of their birth and all thru the pregnancy. Actually, over the years he became more and more distant until the day he told me he hadn’t loved me for a while. I actually don’t think he ever really did, looking back. not even sure why he married me. I’m a sweet girl who always has the best intentions and tries to be the best I can. He exploits that, uses that as a button to hurt me, says I’m an awful mom or a ‘bitch’…knowing it will hurt me cause I care. Here’s my problem now.:
We are going thru the divorce and I’m at that stage I told that young girl to go thru. How HOW HOW do I find my own person inside this pain. He was my husband, I was attached and he was all I knew as well. I’m doing the match.com crap-oli and well, not even sure if I can be okay with someone else. I’m hurting, bad, and several men have used this against me …knew I was in a bad place, told me they cared, slept with me, then left me. I feel so stupid but now it’s added to the pain that I ‘am never good enough’ for others. Like, why wasn’t I such an awesome person they wanted to stay with me? Aren’t I pretty and sweet? Here’s the thing, you men don’t respect a woman who falls for you to soon, I guess we have to play hard to get. and can’t sleep with you. You get what you want and leave. That’s a nice tip for anyone falling in this vortex like myself. Don’t fall for them so soon. Hide it, and don’t put your heart on your sleeve. Jerks, even good guys with a penis, exploit it and get what they want. Then they think we are baggage AFTER they get what they want. Any men have good tips for us women?
Amy, my heart goes out to you, and I feel your pain. Just go with it, don’t rush it, just let it be.
How does one survive the grieving process? By taking it one day at a time. Step by step we inch towards wholeness. Two steps forward, three steps back. Then forward again until we begin to make progress. Not every day will be a good day. That’s all right. Good days will come, quietly, trumphantly, like the dawning of a new day. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy will come in the morning. It may not be tomorrow morning or the morning after that. But joy will meet you one morning. If you keep getting up. Just try to collect your memories and tuck them into a safe place in your heart. The grieving process is a delicate one. There is a time for nursing and rehearsing past events. A time when every memory and feeling has been vented and exhausted. A season of silence. Resting. Allowing God to mend the heart. There will be times when grief will overtake you. Bowing you over, causing you to stop until its wave has passed. Then there will be respites when cool breezes of comfort will blow. The urge to rush the process of healing must be resisted. We must let time do its work in our wounded hearts. We must walk patiently toward healing. Sorrow cannot be hurried. You can’t leap ahead of it or hold it back once it decides its season is over. Grief is a friend that reluctantly bids you goodbye in its own time. Slowly extricating itself from your arms. Kissing you farewell once it feels you are strong enough to stand on your own. But it will walk with you for a while. Allow it. But don’t count on it to remain. Just take one step at a time, thats all any of us can do. Only “One” knows what is unknown to us. He has numbered our days, the good ones as well as the bad ones. He has spaced them out according to our ability to bear them. Therefore choose to trust and keep moving. Don’t run, don’t become impatient with yourself. Funny thing about morning, it comes whether you’re ready for it or not. Its light overtakes the darkness and forces you to face the day. And so it is with life. The mortgage is still due, people expect you to function, the boss expects you to produce. Life goes on, one day at a time. It has its way of pulling you back to the reality of the present. Try to deal only with what you are able to grasp for now. And that my friend would be today. You are only responsible for the moment you are in, minute by minute, step by step. God will be with you as you walk through your pain, wade slowly through your tears, and let suffering do its perfect work of mending in you
May God bless you and keep you.
HI Amy. It’s weird how genderless these feelings are. Creepy actually. I was at the ‘over 9 years’ part…thought there was something about it being ten, I dunno. I don’t have any questions she can answer. We always argued – playfully even once upon a time, but not recently. Even so I still love her, figure maybe I’ll always love the person she was. Something to stuff in that baggage somewhere deep. She seems like someone else now. It’s just a damn shame anyone else’s mind is as filled with this mess as mine, Amy…right down to still holding out and hanging on and how that feels (sick). If this is 4 months later I’m seriously bloody frightened now. I’m only rounding month 1. They said I too complained constantly – but ‘they’ would be the ones who were breaking my heart. Two friends and my true love lost. It really feels like they died. Part of me, too. Sorry, I don’t suppose this helps you, but knowing someone else is feeling this wretched, though it truly sucks, may be some sad comfort.
Mary, thank-you for telling me about the ego thing. I knew it was a factor, but some of the things making her seem like someone else when she stops by – she says some really hurtful things and acts strange, like she’s trying to rebel from her dog. (She doesn’t have a dog is the thing, we’re still ‘sharing’ two cats.) It’s an ego thing…it builds her up to see me hurting and feel me wishing she would come back. I guess I might then expect her to start really eliminating contact or asking for no email or calls other than picking up the cats. Guess I shouldn’t take it too personally if her ego boost makes me feel lower than the dog she never had. I’ve only sent her two letters, and I thought they were fair. She was my best friend, too – and I think we”ve inspired each other as athletes, will still bump into each other. And okay, one of those letters was as a friend who thinks her new boyfriend and coach is an asshole, but what’s a friend gonna do? I have no-one I’m as comfortable writing to as her, except maybe here. So I don’t know about cutting off all contact, Mary. I don’t even think it’s possible. Lots of shared committments and history – and I think we’re still trying to be friends or respect each other at least. The ego-feeding though, in taking these jabs from her when she stops in – I think I have to feed my own ego something healthier. She might just be trying to force me to move on. I might really need to. Not that anyone’s interested. I haven’t been of ‘open’ character to that in a very long time. I do recall being pretty f’n charming tho’…
Deedee, “over the years (s)he became more and more distant until the day (s)he told me (s)he hadn’t loved me for a while” is kinda where I’m coming from here. That was the punchline of ‘the talk’ we had almost a month ago. I think we tore each other up emotionally – different times, different ways. For the most part I think not with intention, and rarely if ever over anything of gravity whatsoever. My starchart predicted this years ago – scorpio and gemini. My social sense predicted it, and I worried about it until there came a point I just stopped worrying and tried to start living…this while living with her. Some parts were great – but she doesn’t want to remember those times now. Those times are all I’ve ever had to call a love – or a life. How do you trust anyone with that again? “Don’t fall for them so soon. Hide it, and don’t put your heart on your sleeve.” is advice men give ourselves all the time because of that trust…it’s hard to give. It’s not the same as the trust you put in someone you’ve slept with…’It’ is the trust you put in someone with whom you wanted to sleep every night of your life. Advice, as in what do men want? They want a few good chances to see if they can trust someone like _that_.
They usually don’t think they’re even worth a single chance, deep down. It takes a lot of courage, ego, self-delusion and sometimes even a healthy dose of scotch before they’ll even TAKE the chance. -And sometimes when they take it, the chance is just squandered killing the pain. (aka rebound affair, which incidentally I haven’t really had yet this time) My heart was broken before, so good advice is realize the man could be hurting just as much as you have been; carrying around just as much baggage; just as afraid to let himself fall. I don’t think it’s any reason to play hard to get – I think it’s just a reason to tread slowly and communicate well. I think it’s a reason to be kind and thoughtful if you’re going to say, “I think I might really like you, but I need time to be sure.” no, maybe a reason to express more – not hold back and say “I want to keep seeing you and see where it takes us because I do like the man I’m getting to know here.” Or a reason for honesty if you don’t.
So to the man, I don’t think there’s a turn-off about falling too soon. I guess it’s about not coming on too strong too soon-or if it’s mutual, channeling it into harmless fun at least and NOT talking about it in case it ruins it ;o) No, there’s a time and a place…I don’t know when or where, but there is. I think people know deep down when they’re comfortable with someone fairly early on – and just HOW comfortable can be tough to navigate. I know while I’m hurting this bad, that I could easily make the same mistake and come on far too strong, too soon if someone seemed interested. Trying to get a read on that signal is torture and is why this guy hates dating, especially in a world still so full of closed minds. It’s hard to know sometimes what a person is interested in getting into, until you start getting into it with them. Some people figure while they’re hurting from love lost, that a committmentless fling might lighten things up a bit. (Or when confronted with the idea, it doesn’t seem too bad!) Haven’t gone there since the big one dropped, but I’m wondering if it would really help or if it would just make life too weird for me and that someone else to call a healing gesture. I have the good fortune after my past heartbreak back in college to have had the most wonderful rebound fling – not rebound affair, but a fling with a college friend I could always really talk to…so I do wonder now,
Yeah, this ain’t college anymore. I gotta wonder what Playful Fling version.30-something is like. Depressing, I’d reckon – but there have got to be some artsy, educated and gracefully-jaded (straight) women out there I could talk to at least. Then, when they all decide I’m too damaged, I’ll probably end up finding ‘desperate and randy’ and discover some shallow, impersonal, humiliating variety of fling that only adds to the depression. I think I found that character already, somewhere in the mirror. Believe it or not DeeDee, men ARE trying to avoid seeming ‘desperate and randy’ when they do what women hate them to do. The F”’andRun. I think men hate it when women do it to them too…so everyone wants to leave a short-term relationship first, I suppose because it hurts less than being dumped and far less than dragging it out almost 9 years, or 7 – or whenever things decide to go wrong. I don’t think anyone wants to admit anyone else has got a hold on them, and I suppose my notions of giving myself over to someone are somewhat unrealistic and self-denying…but they’re in the baggage somewhere…feel free to dig.
EPIPHANY:
It’s still too hard to share with anyone very deeply in real life. I have better stories to share than this, and that’s what I have to focus on. I can think of joys I sought to share with the love of my life to which she never even feigned interest – and it makes me think: maybe she wasn’t THE love of my life. It hurts to think it, but That’s a start.
In closing, I’ll just share with you, all distant friends so nearby. Sometimes I close my eyes at night and blanket out whatever positive energy I can gather like a radar signal for us all – to me, it feels like an explosion, but when the shockwave hits back, I feel the love there is in this world, unrequieted, unconditional – unknown. Trust me, I have a sense for this. I am the best. (Yes, just watched Don’t Mess with the Zohan…haha) Don’t forget to laugh; not a little…laugh like there’s no tomorrow. There won’t be a tomorrow to laugh at unless you do.
P.S. Thanks for everyone here giving each other a chance to share, and Libralyn, for all the good, sober advice. By now you may be aware how a Scottish-Canadian can be pure of heart and still not of sober heart – still worth saving though. We Canadians are brave eh, and the Scotties can take a wailin’. Thank-you all, and take care.
My goal is that out of my heartache and pain to try daily to reach out to others in love and compassion and believing this will help the healing process. Another goal is to TRY to think about her less every day, even though i miss her so much. Goal 3 is to accept my situation and trust God with my future.
Sal, This is the best advice I have read so far and I think we should all work toward the same goals. You are wise to trust God with your future, because I am convinced he has someone for you and for each of us who prays to Him and trust our lives to Him. I believe He will send someone He has specifically chosen just for you, who will cherish your love and love you back the same way. God Bless
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