Step 12: Working Backwards
Imagine for a moment that you were taking a road trip, but had no real destination in mind. You decide to leave for this trip with no map, no plan, and no route. You know the starting point and may have an idea about the destination, but every time there was an option like a 4-way stop or a fork in the road, it would be a source of confusion – even stress. Which way do I turn? What if I go the wrong way and waste my time?
Most of us would never leave on that trip without getting directions online or at least using a traditional map. Yet, ironically, many of us travel through the extended trip of life with no plan at all. It’s time to make a plan. Creating short and long term goals will provide you purpose, alleviate stress, and get you back on track to your better, brighter, future.
If you are thinking, “Hey, I did have goals, they just included my ex” - I understand. Now that this person is no longer there, the goals may seem irrelevant. I want to clarify something: goals are always relevant. During the course of life, when the unexpected happens, we benefit from the ability to revise our aspirations. Yes, a huge monkey wrench has been thrown into your path, but this is a challenge you are going to take on and overcome.
So, how do you go about setting new goals? When your life objectives are blurry in the short term, extend it out to the very long term and then work backwards. To clarify, I want you to think far, far into the future. Imagine this – you are 85 years old. You are grey, but still distinguished 
. You are sitting in your wicker rocking chair swaying to and fro whilst three young children - your grandchildren – sit quietly in your lap. Surrounding your feet are several other grand kids of varying ages. They all look up at you with curious eyes. They are anxious for the answer to their question, “Grandma(pa), what was your life like?” Answer their question in the exercise below. When you’re done, take the next step.
Read and add your own comments below. When you’re ready…
{ 230 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
Wow, thank both of you guys. I didn’t know this would come up so quickly, thought I would have some time before an event came up. I was thinking at least a couple weeks, and I will be off traveling next week so I thought I’d be safe. I didn’t think they’d invite him. Crap.
You guys got it perfectly: I am of course thinking that since there are just the few of us, we might get a chance to talk and I can prove again that I am in control, etc. I can act all carefree, etc. Nah. In the very least, I think he’d flirt witha waitress or something to show me he’s over me. LIke you said, Ed, you don’t get that approval you seek. Besides, what good can come of things like this? What good? Nobody should have to beg for attention.
You guys are also right that I shouldn’t even watch it. Tryingtoheal, you said it – I’d be thinking of the friends all having fun without me. I guess I’ll have to let it go. In fact, I can’t even ask tehm how it went tomorrow because I don’t want to accidentally hear, “Yeah, he was flirting with this girl all night” or something like that.
What’s sad is that I know he is partly going tonight because his life is falling apart and it’s why he broke up with me in the first place, because he knew he couldn’t be good to me while he’s so screwed up. I know he needs to get out and so do I. SUcks that we have to choose friends now. 
See that? I’m making excuses for him already. Wow. Yeah, guys, I will fight with every ounce of my dignity not to go. I emailed three other people to see if they’re going but so far no takers. So I’ll probably go to a bookstore. Wow, I have to give up a social event for him, this sucks.
One of my faves…but yeah, that’s the price I pay to get my dignity back, right?
Thanks for the advice. Also, one of our best mutual friends just emailed me to say he wants to do a reunion ski day trip next month (my ex would be there). It’s after the “no contact” month, so I said I’d consider it… We all met that way and it’s been a year. At this point, I’m not sure a month is enough. My friend kind of knew about us and he emailed me saying, “Yeah, I’m sorry that you broke up with your last boyfriend (acting like he didn’t know who it was)…two broken people cannot fix each other. It never works.” He said it perfectly.
Anyway, I hope you guys’ days are going better than mine! Thanks again for all of the support!
Tryingtoheal –
I meant to answer your other email (to Ed) also: I get waht you are saying. I felt the same way. I kept shutting down things, and he’d come right back and email me. What’s the worst is that last week, I was the one who initiated it…”to break the ttension.” I guess you can’t break that – it has to be there and no contact is a RULE that should be stuck to – so anyway, you are doing everything right and I hate to tell you this, but some guys just play teh manipulation game. Maybe they don’t even mean to do it, but we have found ourselves some manipulators in these guys. My neighbor went through what you and I are going through and honestly, she finally got off the roller coaster but had to practically push him off. She works with her ex but luckily doesn’t see him often, but as soon as she cut it off the FINAL time, he kept finding reasons to come by so she’d see him coming and literally run. Or every time he came to her desk she said she was running out. she said it became uncomfortable but she learned her lesson. Now, he finally gets the point but she is still looking for a new job. Sometimes, there are drastic measures you have to go through.
So I hate to say it, but don’t believe that devil voice that tells you it’s “love” when he does this. I think it’s sheer loneliness or that he’s lost control of you and needs it back. It’s nothing like love. Like you said, it’s control and comes from a bad place of need and emptiness. Don’t let yourself be used.
I’m speaking to myself also. I know that if I go tonight, he may very well break down and talk to me and we can laugh and chat like old times. Difference is, he’ll figure he’s got me back in his power and I’ll feel terrible. So it’s not just an innocent chat. As much as it will remind me of how things used to be, they’re not anymore and I can’t force it back. Trying will make us start to hate each other which is just painful.
So yeah, let’s keep reminding ourselves that this is not love or anything like it, and we need to stop the cycle, so that we respect ourselves. These people cannot respect us anyway, when we let them treat us this way! Space is safe! Even if we have to force ourselves or them away!!
Good luck…
ED – btw, YES – I do write those emails. Keep it up!!!
The ONE time I did screw up 2 weeks ago and sent the email rather than to myself, I caved and sent it to him – I immediately regretted it but could not take it back. I’ve done that too often, unfortunately. So yes, keep your emotions to yourself – as I look at it, these people do not deserve to hear our true feelings. They are OURS, private and earned. Only people who have earned hearing about our pain shoudl hear about it.
Plus, when I told him about my pain his answer was, “I will give you your space and take a huge step back, and try to just be nothing more than a friend to you. Please know I never wanted to hurt you.” I guess that sounds nice enough but it was a broken heart all over again. He did not say, “Oh, baby, I miss you and I want to be with you now.” Nope.
Anyway, a therapist I had said that this is an excellent way of dealing with it – email yourself! Just don’t slip…but if you do, as I did, don’t beat yourself up as I did for days on end!
Hello – someone passed this to me this morning and I felt like I needed to share this to everyone on this site…
Carrots, Eggs & Coffee!
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee….You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her.
She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up; she was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire.
Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in
the last she placed ground coffee beans.. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them
in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ‘ Tell me what you see.’
‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, mother?’
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected
to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had
changed the water..
‘Which are you?’ she asked her daughter. ‘When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is
the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten
past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
You might want to send this message to those people who mean something to you (I JUST DID);
to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when
you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really
down; to those whose friendships you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.
If you don’t send it, you will just miss out on the opportunity to brighten someone’s day with
this message!
May we all be COFFEE!!!!!!!
TTH,
thanks for sharing that.
Ed – your welcome!
Hullo, Tryingtoheal and Ed -
Just wanted to thank you guys once again for your strong advice to me NOT to go to that bar and watch the game with my ex.
Funny thing, after reading your posts I was convinced I wouldn’t go. So I returned to work and told my friend I wasn’t going. He said, “Hmm, strange…Chris just cancelled too (my ex). So I guess nobody’s going.” I guess…my ex had realized how hard this would be also. So anyway, I ended up meeting some friends unexpectedly at another bar far away and we all watched the game and had a great time.
The hard part was today…he emailed me this morning, initiating contact. He said something funny but I just wrote back “thanks.” He kept trying in his little way…he even sent me a funny picture…I felt so rude (ha, I know!) because I was cold to him. I did respond…just not in great detail. (Okay, once I did write something more than just two words back because I caved a bit.)
He looked super sad when I had to go up and talk to him later in the day. Sure enough, when I checked his Facebook page he had posted a song for me this afternoon. So dramatic! It was a song about missing someone. Okay, part of me just wondered…could he have done that JUSt because he liked the song? But no, this is always what he used to do for me when we were together…so I caved and I posted “Fix You” by Coldplay and suddenly – his song was gone. Ugh.
Why did I give in and react to him? Of course I felt silly and deleted my song. I put it mainly for myself and to say, “Yes, my heart is still broken and I’m trying to fix it here.” Not sure what made him delete his, but this is so silly. 
Either way, he was sucking me back in. I do believe he loves me, he’s just too screwed up right now to be with me. I guess it’s only hard because we work together and when we had to talk today (luckily, we don’t often have to talk at work), we both sat there for a second looking at each other and it just brought everything back up.
Anyway, Tryingtoheal, I will read your post shortly because it looks really interesting and inspiring!
Thanks again, guys, for your support yesterday. You were so right and I’m glad I didn’t go, even if he cancelled as well. Made me stronger, hard as it was to make that choice.
xxS
Hi All,
I cut off all contact from my ex just over 2 months ago. Although I still cry almost every day, at least I am on the path to healing and not just reacting to his crazy making behavior. He has been separated (and might be divorced by now) from his wife for almost 3 years, but she continues to create unbelievable havoc in his life. This, as well as what I now believe is his natural pattern for drawing someone in and then pushing them away, caused so much pain for me that I finally had to draw the line. We were together for 2 years, although we didn’t see eachother too often because he lived several hours away. I’ve never left someone I was deeply in love with, and this has been excruciating. I asked him repeatedly over the last year not to contact me any more, that it was just too hard for me. He ignored my requests and always managed to draw me back in. I was powerless. I realize that no matter how hard it is, not talking to him is the best thing for me. Other wise, I could be dealing with this bullsh.. for 2 more years! I want to move on!!!! As Dr. Phil says, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them!”
Sadie,
I just had to write once more because…wow, you have described my ex to a T! He doesn’t live several hours away, but his situation with his soon-to-be-ex (Supposedly) made it so we didn’t see each other much socially. Wow, you have described the situation I’m in perfectly. It helps SO MUCH to read your story because it makes me realize – I’m not special, and he’s not just an exception, there are lots of guys this screwed up out there, and there are other women who fall for them! We’re not freaks, just people who loved too deeply.
Ha, my divorce therapist quoted that DR. Phil quote to me all the time! And even about this ex. Yes, when I show you who I am, believe me. Don’t make excuses – believe what I’m showing you!
Thanks for sharing. This has really helped me and given me a lot to think on. Stay strong and keep walking the path. I had a “better” day because he drew me back in temporarily, but I know I’ll be back to excruciating pain tomorrow. At least that way, I’m healing as you are. We will get there. Lesson to be learned the hard way.
xxS
Hello, Sadie – just like Sasha and yourself, my story is about the same – my ex got a divorce. Good to hear that you finally broke free, I am trying to the do the same. He keeps on coming back – this only messes me up. I won’t lie – part of it makes me feel like he still cares, otherwise why does he keep on coming back. But the other part of me is saying, he is just using you, he doesn’t care for you at all.
Today, it’s been a week since I have seen him. I have my good and bad days – but I have to ask. How can one still love someone that has hurt us so bad? Somehow he also has a way of making me believe his lies. I’ve tried to keep busy, but when i go home at night – it’s empty, just like how i feel inside. I have wasted so many tears on him and I wonder if it will ever stop. Why do I still want to reach out to him? Why do I have to fight this urge everyday – I mean come on, he has lied and cheated and used me. I’ve tried anger – it doesn’t work, plus I don’t want to feel that way. I am drained, but the thoughts of him pop in head through out the day. Or things happen, that triggers it. I’ve prayed for him and even myself….when does it stop or better yet, how does one turn it off at night time – I try to think happy thoughts or count my blessing….but sometimes, I even dream about him – why? I feel so ungrateful for what I do have in my life and I don’t like that at all…I know that I am blessed with family and friends that really love and care for me.
I’m tired of feeling sad, and I try to feel happy – I joke with my family and friends….but I have to work at it, like a cover up….but i feel like I am dying inside and this is draining…i want to feel alive and “truly” happy again – I haven’t felt that for awhile, even when i was with him. You see, my gut was giving me all of the signals – I choice to ignore them…..finally I can came to term to accept them…. or as you quoted Dr. Phil “when someone shows you who they are, believe them!” I too want to move on….but these feelings keep on getting in the way…..they say the truth sets us free….well, I’m still waiting.
So… it’s been 9 months since my ex broke up with and told me to move out of his house. Reason of the break up? he needed time for himself because truly he cant deal with stress and at the moment he is planning to buy his own shop (very stressful to him ;()… anyway… even though he was the one who broke up with me, he still told me few months ago that he was still very inlove with me and that he hoped that one day after his nightmare was gone that we could find forgiveness in our hearts and get together again because he believed we were soulmates… For the holidays, he texted me to wish me a good Thanksgiving, then another for Christmas and I NEVER replied back bc i needed time for myself… then, for New Years I took the time to look for a ecard and i sent him a happy NY’s wish… he never replied back!… Now, YESTERDAY He texted me and called me after his job to ask me why i never replied to his txts and sorry for not replying to my txt on ny’s, he also made sure to tell me a few times that he was off from work today (friday) until Monday and that he had nothing to do for the weekend and that he misses me… IS HE FNG* PLAYING W ME?
I’ve been crying all this time almost everyday, and just when i thought I was feeling/getting better at this, He does this to me!
Now… this to me is the “working backwards”…. GOOD LUCK TO ME ONCE AGAIN.
Hello, Gatita – thank-you for your story.
This week has been a hard one for me – tonight i want to go by his place so bad or even text him. I know that I shouldn’t and I hope that I can keep this strength up so, that I don’t do anything stupid. I need to find a way to break free from him. I have been doing and trying to focus on me, but then there are moments like this and I feel helpless.
I’ve been trying think why am I holding onto this jerk so tight? Why can’t I let go and move on with my life? I think I figured it out….if this low life doesn’t want me and i can’t get him to see that I have so much to offer him to help him – then how is someone that is better then him going to actually want me? Seriously? Then I start thinking why don’t I think I deserve more then this idiot? When I think this – I get scared and panic…….and that is when I want to contact him.
Does anyone else feel or think this way? I want to believe that there is another, I really do…….I feel so lost.
Hang in there Tryingtoheal. I’ve had a not so great week too. What you’re feeling is absolutely normal and it is definitely going to pass. I know when you’re in it, it feels like it will never end, but it will.
Hello Ed, thank-you so much for your posting – you have no idea how much it helped me last night……the last time I looked at the clock last night was around 3 – guess, my body finally gave up. Then I had weird dreams…..i don’t remember them to well, but i know they didn’t make sense. But i’ve done it…..a week with no contact – I feel like I’ve been on this path before, like a broken record. It feels different this time – maybe because I know that I need to stick with it this time, no matter even if he comes back like he has all of the other times. Funny – lately, he is the one that keeps coming back to me…..it’s not me going back to him. I never thought of that before. So, I guess the part that i need to break is when he shows up here – then i need to turn him away.
Ed – I’m sorry to hear about your week….it’s draining to keep on fighting the urge. Your right – when your fighting it, it’s like it will never end and the only way to end it is just going and doing it. But I kept on putting in my head, how I will feel at the end if I go off and do that – i didn’t realize that taking note of how many days with no contact really meant. It has more meaning then I gave it credit for.
BTW – Ed, we will get through this and next week while be a better week.
Thank-you again!
I went through so much pain with him coming back time after time. Even after 2 and a half months of cutting him off (blocking his number and email), I still fight the urge day after day, sometimes hour after hour, to call him. I gained quite a bit of weight in the several months. I swear, as much as I want to lose it, it’s been like a protection for me since I don’t want him so see me at this weight. I am trying to be strong and focus on myself, but it’s so hard. I feel like a drug addict, with him as the drug. I’m going through withdrawls, still. You know it’s bad for you, that it will only harm you, and yet you crave it. That is messed up!!! Good to put crazy thoughts in writing!!!
Tryingtoheal,
Glad I helped a little, I could tell you were hurting. I think it’s important for us to know we are not unique. There is a tendency to think that we are alone in what we are going through, but millions of people have been here and gotten through it and we will too.
Great job with the no contact. I think action is very important to get us through this. It’s hard because the tendency, for me anyway, is to want to curl up in the fetal position. For me, I’ve realized I have to get out and socialize, not date necessarily, just don’t isolate. Fortunately I have a sport where I can go out and meet people and get out of my funk. I might still be obsessing about here throughout the day, but the intensity is turned down a notch.
Sadie,
Hang in there, and just keep doing the best you can. If you have a bad day where food got the better of you, that’s ok. Everyday you wake up is another chance. I figure if I eat a lot of junk one day, I will try to eat better the next day. That way it sort of evens out the consequences aren’t as bad. There are a similarities to what we are going through with drug addiction, or any addiction for that matter. When things get bad take it “one day at a time:, and recite the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Sometimes I will repeat this over and over in my head, like a mantra.
Hi, everyone! Sadie, first of all, you are doing amazing. You may feel you haven’t come far, but you obviously have if you have not contacted him! Good for you! I am so impressed. I could not imagine 2.5 months, and I’m sure Tryingtoheal feels me on that. Just…wow. One question: have you tried joining a class, like a dance class? It might sound silly, but that’s the only thing that keeps me feeling good at this point. I go to that class, and sometimes I don’t feel at all like it and dread it, but when I’m there I’m forced to interact with people and dance and not one of them are HIM. Yes, sometimes that makes me sad, but by the end of the night I’ve temporarily forgotten my pain and I’m dancing away. Even for a moment, that helps. I’d highly recommend it. Also, for the weight, I understand how you feel but remember that you are still reacting to him. This is *your* life. What do you want to do with it? It would be great for YOU to be healthy and exercise, and you’d feel like a million bucks. It’s all about you…your life is about YOU…
Tryingtoheal – Girl, as always, I am with you. I had the same type week as you, only not as strong. You are doing SO WELL for that week! Seriously, I am high fiving you from here!!
Hang in there. One step at a time. One week is GOOD. As I told you guys, I work with mine, so breaking me down is fairly easy for him. Wow, I really believed it this week. I came back from a long vacation where he did NOT even try to contact me (out of sight, out of mind anyone?) and felt sad but strong. Monday = him looking forlorn and sad, and finally posting me an “I miss you” song on Facebook. Tuesday = he emailed me, and by the end of the day I’d given in but not too much. Then the constant “I still Love You” type songs on FB. By Weds., I went to lunch with friends and guess who shows up? UGH. 
Not cool. He had me laughing by the end of lunch, back on his leash. 
He wrote me that “you are so damn beautiful and this is just so hard.” Uh…HE broke up with ME. So if it’s that “HARD,” why did he break up???
So please keep on, and let’s keep writing because I know for me it helps me SO MUCH to hear you guys’ stories.
Ed – Thanks as always for sharing your end of things. You are so right about getting out, as I was telling Sadie. This week I haven’t been able to because of work, but even getting out of the office to meetings has helped. Yes, we have to get out. And yeah, when I do get stuck at home, rather than doing anything productive I’m listening to sad music and crying a bit too often. It may be depression but I need to fight it.
By the way, I have an opportunity to take a job in another office and I’m going for it. Sadly, part of me doesn’t want to – my awesome coworkers aside, I don’t want to give up seeing him every day. I know; that’s sad, because No Contact won’t work until I get away. And I need to heal and move on. But whenever he sees me I feel that connection and I know I’m giving that up. But what is it? Just an illusion. Not sure what he ever felt for me or why he comes back, but reading you all’s stories makes me realize some people are just sick and that’s that. It’s not love.
Good luck with your weeks, everyone. Keep staying strong. We can do this. Listen to Coldplay’s “Fix You” – it helps me. Promise to myself: I will try and fix me…
Remember, the best way to win the game is NOT TO PLAY THE GAME. This is our game, not theirs!
Gatita – just a quick word – I feel for you. My ex used the same excuse when he broke up with me – “too much stress going on in his life.” While I do know this can happen, and it can be the truth, love isn’t supposed to be an added stress and I’m sad to admit I think it probably means their love just wasn’t strong enough. I’ve gone through the same cycle you have. I get emails, then reply back and nothing…and then I send something and nothing…and then he sends something saying he really misses me…wtf?
The truth of it is, if you love/miss someone that much, you just see them. Plain and simple. I guess some people really have something that prevents them from getting involved when stress is too high, but I wonder now if it’s just bulls***. Good luck to you and know that you’re not the only one in this cycle. Many of us are. Stay strong and resist it! Try and keep busy. I’m trying my best but today was a bad day.
Also…remember that sometimes, the other person- – even if they are the ones who left – doesn’t have the strength to really stay away because they are so screwed up. Sometimes it’s up to us to be the stronger person, crazy as that is when you’ve been dumped.
Good luck to you!
Hope you all are hanging in there. Continuing to struggle, and I can see I am going to have to work these steps—a little hard to begin when you don’t want to admit it’s actually over.
Revisiting the no contact thing—well I went backwards. I felt since we really never talked after the breakup, we should. She seemed receptive to the idea and we actually had a nice phone conversation and she said she would contact me about getting together over the weekend. Never heard from her…it’s not a good feeling when someone you want to be with won’t give you the time of day anymore.
Sasha,
What you said here is extremely insightful: “Also…remember that sometimes, the other person- – even if they are the ones who left – doesn’t have the strength to really stay away because they are so screwed up. Sometimes it’s up to us to be the stronger person, crazy as that is when you’ve been dumped.”
I know because I have done this. I have been the one who was too weak to stay away. Hopefully now being on the other side of the pain, the one who is suffering, I will learn and be a better person in my next relationship.
Hello, Ed, Sasha and Sadie….Sorry, I haven’t been on here for a couple of days. I was having trouble with my password and of course it’s fixed now.
Sadie – what you described your “ex” being your drug – that’s how I try to explain to people who really can’t understand why I do this to myself. I explained this a couple of weeks ago to a friend of mine – she is addicted to alcohol.
When i explained that my “ex” is like her alcohol, she seemed to have a better understanding. I know my “ex’ is bad for me and nothing good will come from him. But when that need or desire hits u – it’s hard to walk away from it. One starts to think we can handle it and that we are in control and well, we all know how that goes – right?
This week has been better in deal or handling my feeling about my “ex”. But I notice that I am starting to feel anger – not just towards him but everyone else around me. I don’t like this – I know, I know…I need to go workout. I feel so drained when I get home from work. I am planning to change that – when I was with him…i was losing weight cause i was worried sick about what he was up to and trying to be a step ahead of him. Now that he is gone, well – i’ve went the opposite direction. So, I know i need to get a handle on this and soon.
I’ve still maintained no contact – 12 days, man the longest 12 days of my life…..and I haven’t heard or seen from him. Which is good, but to be honest it hurts also. I live in apt complex, so if I hear a vehicle or the main door open – my heart stops and I notice that I stop to listen and I even stopped breathing to hear if the footsteps will be heading towards my door. Can you believe this? When I notice that it’s not him – my heart aches. Seems silly…I know.
But then what Sasha said is so true….about out “ex’s being screwed up and we have to be the stronger person. Pretty messed up isn’t it…but yet it’s so true. Thanks for the insight. 
Sasha – did you apply for that new job? if so how did it go?
Ed – I am so sorry to hear about what happen….but you know what, sometimes we have to do something no matter what others tell us….it’s what we do after wards that matter. I’ve went back 3 times to my ex and all my friends told me i was making a mistake and you know what? It didn’t matter what they said, I had to learn it for myself. Yes, it very painful – i think i finally got it….but I finally accepted that I need to let go. Hopefully, you will be able to learn or accept it sooner then what it took me. You hang in there, Ed…we are here for you to help you through this….just like you have been for us.
Thanks TTH! The support is helpful.
I think some anger is fine, good actually, as long as you are just noticing it and not taking it out on anyone. Some people say that anger turned inward is depression. So if you notice that you’re feeling less depressed along with this feeling of anger, then you are making progress. Depression is debilitating, anger, on the other hand, you can use for motivation.
I noticed when I got angry at her for not giving me the time of day this time I started to really entertain the idea of taking steps to move on. So I did manage to delete all the old emails from two computers, one more to go. Next up all pictures on the phone, and computers…that might be a tough one.
Hello….
Hey, Ed….how are you doing? I’m so proud of you – that is a big step. I can’t seem to do that just yet….I have put all of his stuff up in a tote. I have all of our old e-mails in a folder and I do not dare to open those up. As for the text and pictures on my phone – I still have them….put i don’t look at them either. Sounds silly, since i don’t look at them for the fear of the pain. I guess, I keep them – cause if I delete them, then it means the relationship never happen…so, I guess they are proof for me? But yet, someone who really hurt me this bad – didn’t really care for me to begin with….so, they really don’t mean anything do they?
It’s 2 in the morning and I’m having trouble sleeping. I would like to know this urge to reach out to my “ex” will stop – dang, why is it so hard?! I mean, he hasn’t thought twice about me…..he has moved, he doesn’t love me – so, why am I stuck? Seriously? Don’t worry, I haven’t made contact….but I hate feeling lonely. The thing is, I’m not alone…I have wonderful family and friends that care for me….but I still feel so alone.
I have a feeling he found someone or is trying to get back with his “ex-wife”……..how can someone just use another and never look back at the one they left behind – all broken, left to pick up the pieces and learn how to heal and start over again? What the heck!? How can he look at himself in the mirror? Yet, it’s taking every thing in me to fight this stupid urges. When will I stop crying for him? When will this hurting stop?
Ok, i think I’m done for tonight….I’ve cried and now I feel so tire, so maybe I can go to sleep now?
Sasha – i hope your doing ok, girl……
Ed – thank-you for letting me know how you deal with the anger, again so proud of you…..for that is a big step.
Night everyone….
Hi, Tryingtoheal. I’m sorry you’ve had such a bad night. But I am so proud of you for not contacting him.
Yes, the demon voices, as I like to call them, are setting in. The ones who tell you he never loved you, that he’s already done with you – though sadly, there is a chance they are true, what they are relaly trying to convince you is that you are not lovable at your core. I know this because I have the same issue. That’s why we really can’t give up. Some part of us believes that we are ultimately not lovable and it’s why we put up with this.
I am not one to talk. My ex contacted me after I returned from my business trip and asked me to meet him tomorrow. “You know, just a friendly chat,” he says. Stupidly, I agreed. My friends are so mad they won’t even talk to me and I can’t blame them. “HOw can you go back again?” they ask. I don’t know…I guess…part of me hopes he’ll tell me the truth, say he’s sorry, etc. He’s spent the entire week saying this kind of thing through email but part of me wants to confront him. To ask him why. Not that I will get an answer.
Anyway, yes, I’m being stupid and hoping for something stupid and going to see him. Ugh. I’m even mad at myself.
Still, I want to hear what he has to say for himself. Curiosity may kill the cat but I have to see it through. God, I hope that by tomorrow night I am not a total wreck of tears and I”m afraid I will be. Or worse, I’ll be blissfully happy because he will have convinced me yet again that things are different.
I guess I just didn’t expect him to ask me out of the blue. He has avoided it for months and I was so shocked he asked. So again, I’m hoping something is different but prepared to find out that probably nothing at all has changed.
Anyway, I hope you got sleep, Tryingtoheal. And it doesn’t matter how many people around us love us; we must first love ourselves. I found another website last night where the lady said something very intelligent: “the reason no contact has to work is not to convince your ex that you are interesting and possibly dating someone else (manipulation), but for you to convince YOURSELF that you are worth more than begging at this person’s feet. And if you break that, you will fall right back into begging, pleading and acting less than you’re worth. And you’re not ready for that.” She is right…we are all missing something deep inside or we wouldn’t have such a hard time with this.
And I think you learn to love yourself little by little, day by day by doing things other than thinking of your ex…reading a book, even…taking a class…traveling somewhere…getting away helped me a lot with my attitude.
So I’m going to stop thinking about him now and go on with my day! I wish you all well and hope things are going a bit better. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time…
Good luck-
xxS
Wondering how everyone is doing…I’m feeling down right now. I miss him so much. I keep looking at his work website to see what he’s up to, and I’m constantly trolling his ex wife’s website to see if maybe they’ve gotten back together. I am crazy! I think about him far too often still, and cry far too often as well. I continue to not to contact him. I know it’s for the best. If he wanted me, I’d know it. And I know, deep down, he doesn’t. I think for the last year, he would contact me frequently, just to “scratch an itch”. I was a kind heart and a warm body. But it was all about him. I spent all my time and energy trying to act like I had no needs, just to keep him coming back. I can’t deny myself any longer. I’ve started a running program, am going to yoga, and am trying to walk and play tennis as much as possible. I’m seeing a financial planner through my church and have begun singing again (I’m a jazz singer, but haven’t been able to stomach performing since last December). I’m doing all the right things…just want the pain to GO AWAY!!!
Hello, Sadie – first of all, thank-you for posting what your going through. I wanted to post something everyday, of this pain and well, I thought that people might get tired of hearing from me. I mean, I know that is what this is for – but it’s embarrassing that I still am having a hard time getting over him.
EVERYTHING you wrote – is what I am feeling, so you are not alone my friend. I still haven’t made any contact, but what you said at the end – your doing all the right things and you just want the pain to go away…..God, I pray for this. I mean, come on – no contact, should make it easier. But it seems like as each day goes by, the urge to reach out to him is getting worse for me….like we have said in the past – it’s like a drug. I am tired of fighting this urge and I still cry for him and I don’t mean a couple of tears – I mean, really hard…to where I get a headache and my face is all red and my eyes so swollen. Then I start thinking – FOR WHAT!?
I too wonder if he finally broke down and went back to his ex wife – I mean, he is always looking for an easy way out. Last time he was over, he told he was falling behind his child support. (What am I suppose to do about that? I mean, he always somehow had money to gamble and buy booze and go eat out.) I was always helping him with stuff – helping him buy things for his apartment or splitting 1/2 of my groceries with him, I was always giving him advice and support in anyway I could….but he never appreciated me – he just used me and I think that’s what hurt the most. He came running to me after the divorce not because he wanted to be with me…..but because he needed me for support and here before I thought he was the one I needed. I still can’t believe that he can get up and look in the mirror everyday. How can someone do this and act like it was nothing? Heartless, I tell you.
Sadie – I know this is hard, but if I can do this – so can you. 1st, you need to stop looking at his work website to see what he’s up to…..and you need to stop trolling his ex wife’s website also. I know this is hard, but your damaging yourself by doing this. I have my ex’s cell phone number and e-mail – I know I should delete them, but I can’t seem to do that just yet. But I have not texted, called nor e-mailed him – I know if I reach out he will see that I am still weak and will try to come back to just use me again. Since he is divorce and has or had his own place – I have not drove by it. I won’t lie, it’s crossed my mind. I’m thinking my family and friends won’t know what I’m doing and what harm can this do….but who am I kidding? But I think of the past and I remember it did hurt afterward and I even felt worse after I did it. Also, I found his ex wife on FB and I use to go and look at it all the time before. She had marked that they were separated, when they were actually divorced….I seen the paperwork for myself. So, I was wondering why would she do that or did she forget to change it?! So, you see – your thinking of him far to often, because of going on the site to check up on him and his ex’s. Like I said, it’s not easy at all….but I can tell you, that I’ve done it your way and now this way – with completely cutting him out in every form that I can…..it’s still painful – but the way your doing it, is worse. I want you to heal…I want us to heal and move forward. We have to keep on fighting it – we have to believe in this program.
I am proud of all of the stuff your doing, that is a step in the right direction….I tried something new today – mediation. Today was my first night, but I think I will learn a lot from it and enjoy it also. I also want to learn how to play the guitar. So, I will check into that also.
We deserve so much more Sadie – so much more….we need to take care of ourselves first and the rest will fall in place, I do believe this. You hang in there girl and take care.
Hello, Sasha….how are you doing?
I want to thank-you for sharing the reason for no contact and why it works…it’s so true. But I have to say, sometimes, the urges are so overwhelming. I know they say, to keep your mind busy and that it will pass. Sometimes, I think there is something wrong with me – because it’s like the urge doesn’t go away. It comes in waves and some are so strong. Friday will be 3 weeks – goodness….never thought I could honestly say that before. In the past, I would always, e-mail or drive by his house (I felt like a stalker and that I was going crazy) or I would call his house. Man, I’ve done a lot of stupid things before…..BUT this time – it’s all different. Just wish, the healing would speed up – so it wouldn’t hurt so much.
Anyways…I hope your doing ok. Mmmm, I remember those days – when all I wanted was an apology from him and the truth. Some reason I thought hearing it from him, would change all of that. But Sasha, it doesn’t and you know what? I had to learn this for myself – NOBODY could convince me otherwise…..your friends, yeah they are upset. Do you know why? Because they really do care about you and they don’t want you to get hurt again. But we somehow convince ourselves that we seem to know better or they just don’t understand. I have to say, when he did come back around or made contact – deep down inside, I was happy and I still had hope that things would work out. So, when he came back and told me he was divorce…..I thought he did it because he wanted to be with me. How sad is that? A family broken because of stupidity. But remember – he lied to me from the start….I had no idea he was married, he even lied to his best friend. By the time I found out – I was hooked and yes, that is no excuse…I should have walked away. Do you know what excuse he used on me? He said, that if I knew he was married, I would have walked away…..so shame on him for not letting me make the decision from the start, when it would have been easier to have done that. (BTW – I found later, that she filed for the divorce, not him….like he told me. Man, all of the lies he told me and yet – I still cared for this jerk.) So, my point is Sasha – I fooled myself when he came back around. Telling myself I could handle it and I had everything under control. (Does that sound familiar?) But like I have said, YOU need to learn from all of this….you might even lose some friends over this…..but your true friends will be there for you…..I am here for you – because I’ve been there and done that.
So, take care Sasha and hope to hear from you soon.
Ed – how are you? Haven’t heard from you in awhile…thinking of you and hope all is well.
Hello Tryingtoheal, Sasha, Sadie,
Sorry I have not posted for awhile. I’ve been super busy with work and exhausted. It continues to be a struggle for me too, some days are better than others. Some days have both hard times, and then moments with some serenity too. I think there is a reason we all find ourselves in this situation. I mean if we repeatedly end up in this place, or if a long time has passed and we don’t seem to be recovering, then “the universe” is trying to tell us something. There is some part of ourselves that needs healed, maybe it goes back to our childhoods. If you really think about it as objectively as you can, would getting that person back at this point really make everything as wonderful as we think it would? Were we really that happy when we had them? Or did we just have an absence of loneliness. And something to take our minds off of ourselves and our other problems. Of course I’m just speaking for myself here, thinking aloud I suppose. No it isn’t easy but we need to focus on ourselves, and finding fulfillment without that person. Loneliness is normal, feelings of discontent, dissatisfaction with life are normal. We’ve just focused on a particular object out there as something we need in order to be happy. But there were times before we ever knew that person that we were happy, and so that tells me we can have that again. Sorry, I’m tired and rambling. Hope it doesn’t sound like I’m preaching, I think I’m trying to convince myself.
Hope you all have a better weekend. I suggest everyone does one thing they don’t usually do this weekend, just to begin to try and break into a new future. I went to the movies by myself a couple weeks ago, and I really enjoyed it. Next I’m going to go out to a nice dinner by myself. I’m not into the bar scene, and maybe not even ready to date, but I’m through sitting around and sulking.
Hi, Ed and tryingtoheal –
It sounds like you might actually be healing, and I’m so glad to hear that if so. I’m sad to say that I’m back here to start again after three months.
I was healing, getting lots better, and then…my ex and I got back together. We ran into each other at an after-work party and talked and talked. He asked me out for the next weekend. I was over the moon. Things really seemed to have changed and be different. Of course, that wasn’t true. Things were wonderful and then after about a month, our original issues came back. Work got really, really stressful for us both and a new boss came in who threatened to fire anyone breaking *any* of the work rules (I think he knew about us dating, which is strictly forbidden where I work, and was pointing the finger at us). So things became very hairy and he began pushing me away coldly. Again.
Stupidly, I didn’t take no for an answer (yes, I’m ashamed of this) and kept trying. I didn’t read his signals and just back off, because it was too hard. He would keep meeting me because he was too scared to hurt me again – which, believe me, felt terrible when I discovered recently. I did not want him to pity me and that definitely helped kill things for him, I think.
This went on a couple of weeks and came to a head this last week. We had a wonderful dinner on Tuesday, but then suddenly, he quit responding to my emails. Very suddenly.
He has been seeing a therapist and I realized that right after his appointment was when he quit talking to me. I realized she must be getting him to see that this is unhealthy and we can’t go on like this. I hate to admit that, but she’s probably right. There is too much stress right now and we are both at risk of losing our jobs with this new guy. I tried to change departments but it didn’t work. Neither of us can afford to lose our job, so he made a choice and I can’t say it was the wrong one. Still, it happened very suddenly and here I am all over again.
We were supposed to go out last night. He cancelled with not much explanation. I knew it was coming and had felt it all week since he wasn’t replying to my messages or calls. That feeling was back in the pit of my stomach. Yesterday, he admitted that his therapist was making him realize this was all wrong, and that he just couldn’t do it. I acted a bit desperate and even showed up at his place, but he wouldn’t see me. He told me that we both needed to admit this was really over.
He has always come back eventually, as tryingtoheal understands – we had similar guys in that way. Yes, it was destructive for me and yes, I should have gotten angrier. Even he asked, “Why don’t you hate me?” Which made me feel lower…In the past I have gotten angry, but this time I really tried to make things work; I was just so darn happy to have him back. Big mistake.
So I’m still in a bit of shock right now. My healing process was interrupted so I have to begin it again. I must say that this time, I know I will get through it. It’s just sad, though – last time, there was some hope. This time, we are not even Facebook friends anymore (this was our main method of communication) and I can see in his eyes that he is done.
And yes, I wish I could get angry. He pulled me back in, after all. He was the one who asked me out and started us down that road. But in the end, it takes two and I willingly went and even chased him, sadly. Ugh.
Have to come back from all of that.
So I hope you two are well on your way to healing and can share your success stories with us if you pop back in here again. I hate to be back having to heal again, but thank goodness for you guys and Amelie.
I know I will get through it.
← Previous Comments