Step 12: Working Backwards
Imagine for a moment that you were taking a road trip, but had no real destination in mind. You decide to leave for this trip with no map, no plan, and no route. You know the starting point and may have an idea about the destination, but every time there was an option like a 4-way stop or a fork in the road, it would be a source of confusion – even stress. Which way do I turn? What if I go the wrong way and waste my time?
Most of us would never leave on that trip without getting directions online or at least using a traditional map. Yet, ironically, many of us travel thru the extended trip of life with no plan at all. It’s time to make a plan. Creating short and long term goals will provide you purpose, alleviate stress, and get you back on track to your better, brighter, future.
If you are thinking, “Hey, I did have goals, they just included my ex.” We understand. Now that this person is no longer there, the goals no longer seem relevant. We want to clarify something: goals are always relevant. During the course of life, when the unexpected happens, we benefit from the ability to revise our aspirations. Yes, a huge monkey wrench has been thrown in your path, but this is a challenge you are going to take on and overcome.
So, how do you go about setting new goals? When your life objectives are blurry in the short term, extend it out to the very long term and then work backwards. To clarify, we want you to think far, far into the future. Imagine this – you are 85 years old. You are grey, but still distinguished:). You are sitting in your wicker rocking chair swaying to and fro whilst three young children - your grandchildren – sit quietly in your lap. Surroudning your feet are several other grandkids of varying ages. They all look up at you with curious eyes. They are anxious for the answer to their question, “Grandma(pa), what was your life like?” Answer their question in the exercise below. When you’re done, take the next step.
Read and add your own comments below. When you’re ready…
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Hi All
been a long time since I posted a comment, not sure if that is a good sign! My ex went skiing at christmas and I do not know if someone somewhere was doing a “pay back time” on him but he only managed the slopes once and had a heart attack. He sent me an sms (think I was the 1st person he let know) anyway I asked if I could go to him and he told me no.
He still sms me on a regular basis, its been 7 months now since we split and I still have incredibly bad days, the mood swings, the tears, the memories, I feel like I am a changed person. I still miss him dreadfully, cannot even bear the thought of beginning another relationship.
I agree with Bonnie, you cannot make someone love you.
Take care all and I am sure I will be back again!!
Don’t you know there is a funny thing about confidence….
I am older and have been through all of the stupid games you have to play in love. I have been through break-ups in the past, but this one really surprised me on how affected I was by it. I really wasn’t even this upset with my divorce that affected my kids and gave me a ton of guilt. Maybe this was just all carry-over from stuff I didn’t deal with then.
So back to the confidence thing….he broke up with me (for the 7th time in a year) on Feb 12th. But he has called me every day since. I was upset in the beginning and told him that I was devastated, I would be here waiting, etc. but I have really stayed away myself. I don’t initiate contact even though it is so hard not to, and when we talk I don’t talk about the situation unless he brings it up. I know that I can’t “talk him into” wanting to be with me, so I just show him that I am moving on. And it is driving him crazy!
I know that he is just an ambivalent man, doesn’t know what he wants or is waiting for something better to come along. So when I am not so available, not so clingy, I get his attention. I really am a strong person, I have a great career, busy life, and no time for these games!
I know how hard it is to be strong because you made that person the center of your life. If you have to talk about him/her talk to a friend, your parents, anyone that will listen but DON”T TALK TO THEM! You can tell them that you are hurting and that you miss them, but also tell them that you know that things will get better BECAUSE THEY WILL! Be the kind of person that they would want to be with, and at the very least you will get the satisfaction of knowing that they respect you for being strong and getting through it.
So my lesson learned is that if he wants the best of me he needs to deal with the rest of me! He doesn’t get all my time, my personality, my wittiness, my body, and give me nothing in return. He gets the “business” me, and soon when I am strong enough he won’t even get that! Try it for one day, if you have to work/be near that person, put a smile on your face and walk by like you are happy even if you are dying inside. One day soon you will mean that smile and be on the road to something so much better!!!
Best wishes all, good to hear from you Deb.
Hi Bonnie
Yes like you I am a little to old to be playing the games (45yrs old). I have never been a person to play games when it comes to relationships, always thought that if 2 people were meant to be together than so be it! My ex sent me a sms saying that I am a nice, warm, open woman and that if we lived much closer that we could have spent nice times together. Ha Ha stupid me I thought he wanted us to meet again … so my hopes were all built up again, for him to tell me NO!
Am not sure now whether he is just being nice to me or if he is messing with my head.
Any advice??
Still does not stop the tears and the emptiness I still feel.
Thanks for listening to me.
Debra
Oh Debra, I have been around the block too many times in my 66 years not to clearly see what he is doing. He is feeling guilty and trying to blame the distance between you and him as an excuse for leaving. It makes him feel better about himself…another lie but this time to himself…and your response that, yes, you would like to get back together with him also does the same thing. He feels he is a great guy because you want him and the only reason he can’t is because of the distance. You will know you are healing when you can see these ploys. I have just reached the six month mark and suddenly I can see clearly now! ‘Bout time! You have to see this guy as an impossibility in your life so you can start looking beyond the hurt and pain you are still suffering. Believe me, he is not worth it and in a few months you will realize that. In a few years you will be laughing at yourself, wondering what in the world you ever wanted him for in the first place. Believe me, it’s true! God bless.
Debra – I know exactly how you feel! When I am on the phone or on IM with my ex-guy it still feels like we were meant to be together. Conversation has always been so easy with him and we have so much history. Starting over with someone else feels like torture!!!
I think your guy is playing head games with you. It sounds like he is just using you to feel good about himself, throwing that line out there and waiting for you to grab on. I suggest the next time he contacts you and he says something like “I wish” or “if things were different” you answer with “I do too but things are this way and I am learning to accept it”. You need to show him confidence even if you feel none. Don’t give him the satisfaction that he is looking for, which is knowing that you are still hooked on him. I would tell you to stop talking to him all together but I would be a hypocrit. So if you are still speaking with him he needs to see that you are going to make it without him, and be even better because he is gone! I know you can do it!! If nothing else you will be proud of yourself for not giving him what he is looking for….
I am not sure about how this site is about other books, but I found a great book for our type of man (they sound very similar) called The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall For An Ambivalent Man. Gives some really good advice about the different types of men there are, and how to get yourself out of that cycle.
Please start looking for ways to fill the emptiness. I know it is hard to get out there and if you schedule is anything like mine it is impossible to find the time, but I just went and did it. I signed up for an exercise class on the nights that I don’t have the kids, I take them roller skating every Wednesday, I make sure that my weekends without the kids are filled with friends and activities.
Be strong, don’t show him that you are hurting, and find something that makes you happy today!!!
Great words Mary! “You have to see this guy as an impossibility in your life” I am using that on myself right now!
He doesn’t want me, he doesn’t want anyone else to have me, he wants me for certain things but if we get too close and he starts feeling something he shuts down, he is waiting for something better to come along, he is an impossibility in my life!
Hi Bonnie & Mary
I thank you both for your good words of advice.
You have reassured me that it is not me being stupid and that he is messing with my head. Oh how I wish I was not so vulnerable but, I suppose lessons learnt and I will not trust so easily if there is ever a next time.
I do wonder if it ever meant the same to him or if he was just making a fool of me.
I ask him so many questions and he never gives me direct answers.
Why make so many promises to a person when you have no intentions of following them through.
I wish that he could see my tears and the devastation which he has caused.
Thank you both once again x
Debra – there are good men out there, men that don’t lie and mean what they say. I want to think the best of him that he didn’t do this to make a fool out of you, but you may never know that. If he doesn’t answer your questions don’t draw your own conclusions just begin to let go of the past. You know that you are a wonderful person, start to think of him in a different light. Not what could have been, but what actually happened, how he treats you now, and for what he really is. He doesn’t deserve your tears and your devastation, try and be strong and don’t give him anymore, he has taken enough.
Ugh he wants to come over tonight….he has been talking to me all along (two weeks), and I told him I needed some time to figure things out too and he said that he would have answers for me by Sunday (like what he wanted out of our relationship, etc) but now he wants to come over tonight, how do I get the strength to say no???
I know he only wants sex, but I need that too….intimacy, warmth, someone to hold me….feels like it has been forever.
He wanted me to come over last Friday and I said no, and then I told him to stop using my love that I have for him to get what he wants and figure it out. How can I use that line again, how doI keep myself strong?
OK this is what I know, if he does come over and things are awesome as always, and even if he stays engaged for a while, he will DISENGAGE again and I will feel this way in a month or two again. I will be right back in the same spot that I am right now, probably even worse because I will be beating myself up for falling for the same old shit AGAIN!
Ugh, help, please
Bonnie, you don’t need help…you already have this guy figured out. You just have to draw on your inner strength to resist the temptation. You have it, I know, because you are already aware if you give in now, you will regret it again. Please listen to your own inner voice. Don’t give in. You don’t need phony affection now, you need to heal and move to a place where you will meet real love and affection. Do you really want to be held by the arms of a man who doesn’t love you, (he has proven this by his actions) and will only use you for his own purposes? You are worth much more than that Bonnie. DON’T GIVE IN…it will only bring more pain.
Now I will share with you and others on this site that I got the first phonecall from Mr. Rat since the five months ago that he walked out on me. He was crying and telling me how wonderful I am. Guess what? I told him very nicely, that it was definitely over between us and that I would never trust him again. I said it in a real conversational tone, and I was calm and felt no pain at all, much to my surprise!! Since then I have not cried one tear although even one hour before he called I was bawling. I think it was because now I was telling him I didn’t want him, not having to accept he didn’t want me. I was validated and I know for sure if I ever weakened and took him back he would do it again. He has done it three times in six years. Of course he would do it again and I would be really stupid to put myself through this kind of agony again. Don’t you do it. Don’t let him use you and reject you again and tear your heart out of your body. Keep your dignity. Tell him nicely that you have had quite enough of him and his games and you are moving on with your life. Then ask him to stop contacting you. God Bless and let me know how it went. Hugs
SO PROUD OF YOU MARY!!!! How great that must feel!
I am doing my best, I have known in my head all along that I need to let him go. It’s my dang heart that gets in the way, wondering how I can feel so strongly for someone that doesn’t feel the same way, can walk away so easily, is so selfish…I know in my head that I need to stop talking to him. I know that I am just being stubborn holding on because I don’t like to lose. My heart is screaming “SEE HIM!” My heart is the one that thinks that things will suddenly change when he sees me and he will realize what he is losing, and actually love me. My heart is desperate, my mind knows.
Oh Bonnie
don’t let him come over, stay strong, as you have said if you let him in now you will be right back to square one with all your emotions. Listen to what Mary says, I think she is a wise lady! Ha ha I wish us ladies could get together and put the world (men) to rights!!!
I am feeling strong today so, I have to grab these moments with both hands and make the most of them because I never know what tomorrow will bring!
Try to enjoy your days ladies x
Bonnie, I have been checking this site to see what happened last weekend. Did you give in and see him or did you stand strong? Hey, if you did give in, don’t be afraid of admitting it, we all have done it over and over and know how it feels. I can’t say if he is the one for you or not, I am not God, but you know down deep inside. Sometimes we have to keep on keeping on trying to escape these users. If you did see him don’t see it as a failure, see it as more experience in life, in relationships. Maybe you will go back with him, maybe he has learned his lesson, who knows? I truly hope it turns out right for you because you are a really good woman. Please come back online and speak to us who care for you.
Hi Mary and all -
I did give in and saw him, but we did not “you know”. He calls me every day and is making an effort, but I am still very protective of my heart and he will not be getting it back so easily. He is ambivalent and that has not changed, but I have grown stronger through this process and know that I will be fine with him or without him. I deserve someone who wants to be with me, and I feel that even though I am giving him another chance if it doesn’t turn out the way I want I am hopeful I will not end up in the same dark place.
xo and tell me how things are with you….
Good for you Bonnie! I think sometimes just being given a choice of whether or not we want to be with someone, makes all the difference in our healing. I believe we have all learned a very important lesson, at least where our “Ex’s” are concerned. We now know we were the ones who loved more, who trusted more, maybe too, who needed more and if our ex’s give us the chance to make a decision about going back into the same situation, we can make that decision knowing more about what the relationship is really going to be like, rather than what we fantasize what it will be like.
Am I making any sense? I know in every single relationship, one person loves more than the other. I have usually been that one, giving my all while the other person didn’t feel quite the same about me. I don’t know which side I would rather be on, the one loving more, or loving less. Loving more gives more pleasure, but also more pain when it ends. Loving less…well, it speaks for itself.
I guess we all have to realize that just because we feel a certain emotion for someone else, it doesn’t always follow that they feel exactly the same way about us.
Maybe nearly losing you, (or believing he has really lost you forever) may be the shock treatment he needs to realize how much he really does love and need you. Don’t give in too easily if you do give in at all. Make him work for you, even fight for you, because then he will appreciate you more. If he isn’t willing to do that, then let him go, he isn’t worth it.
How am I? Well I haven’t heard from him since I told him he was too late. I still have my little crying fits but I just remember he cheated on me and lied to me and I don’t want to live in a situation like that ever again. It would take a real, true miracle for him to come back and me to ever trust him again. He sure did mess up something that could have been so beautiful, but only time will make him realize how hard it is to find a really good woman who truly loves him again. My best to all, Luv, Mary
Yea Mary, I have had men over the years that loved much more than I did. Those relationships were just as painful for me, because of the guilt. Most of these men were a catch, the type of guy that treated me well, had a job
, was the guy that I was supposed to be with. I felt guilty that I didn’t feel the same way, always thinking I wasn’t making the right decision but deep down inside I knew that this person was not the one for me.
But that brings me back to my own situation and what you said. I am on the side that I want someone that is not in the same place I am. I guess it is human nature to think that when something feels so right to you that the other person has to feel the same way. I know that my ex is conflicted, that he knows that he should love me, but he is scared, or really just doesn’t have the same feelings for me. How can I be upset and think that he is doing something wrong when I have done it myself many times? I am glad to be stronger within myself, knowing that this is not my fault, that I could not have done anything differently.
I know that your situation is different. It is worse when someone betrays you and you lose all trust. But we all need to know that our actions did not cause the ex to leave. And yes Mary, he will regret losing you because you are fabulous, and I am glad that you are getting back to the place where you know it!!
One day at a time for me. I don’t trust him because he has hurt me like this many times, but he is trying right now, and hopefully it will stay this way. From all that I read and all the strength I get from you guys, I know that I will be ok if it happens again. I am just going to have fun, no strings, and see what happens. It is tiring protecting my heart all the time. But I still feel it for him…
Ugh I can’t get over the trust thing. Even though he is back now he has hurt me so many times with his ambivalent behavior I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Also, I find myself stalking his Facebook page looking for reasons that he is going leave (i.e. other girls). When did I get this paranoid? I have never had this little self-confidence…I am so mad at myself.
Reading back in this lesson I know that the jealousy thing is my mind trying to protect me, giving me the worse case scenario. I am driving myself crazy…if he doesn’t call the exact second that he says he will or doesn’t contact me when I know that he is on the computer I start to lose my mind and think that he is gone again. He isn’t going to want to stay with the paranoid, psycho, stalker me….how do I stop??
Hey Bonnie, its not you, it is him that has made you seriously mistrust. I know my ex made me feel like this. I caught him on the internet to other women, the sad thing was that because there was a distance between us, I had to go on line and pretend to be a different person, oh boy!! ha yep he made arrangements to meet with this woman ( who was really me), I couldn’t go through with it, I sent him an sms to tell him it was me and how upset I was with him. Another time was when a condom fell out of his toiletry bag, we had never used condoms. But he turned it all around on me and told me that I should have more trust in him!
I tell you Bonnie, if he does not give you the positive signs of building trust and helping you to learn to trust him again, then get out of the relationship now because he will mess with your head so much.
Its not easy Bonnie, I still cry ( at the most unexpected times) for my ex but, spring is here and am beginning to think that maybe I have come through the worst, I certainly hope so because I dont want to go through another winter & christmas feeling as miserable as I have done.
So, Bonnie do it for yourself, for your own sanity because no person has the right to make you feel as you do now, so be strong girl, I hope you make the correct decision. Take care x
Thanks Debra, I know that I need to just get out of this relationship. It is no good for me, and the anixety of waiting for him to pull the same stuff again is maddening. I need to ask him to be more forth right about his feelings, but that is what makes him run away. If I knew what he was feeling about us I woulld feel more secure, but he takes my asking as bugging or nagging him to give me more and shuts down. He has never gone out with other girls (to my knowledge) but I need to trust my intuition. Why would every pore of me be oozing anxiety and stress if there was no merit?
I need to get back to the place where I was ok when he was gone and knew it was for the best. When he is treating me well and paying attention to me I am happy yet miserable because I know that it won’t last.
I need to get him out of being so engrained in my life. Start excluding him from things, and get back to being stronger. Whenever I am strong he wants me back, and having him back turns me into this weak, crazy mess.
Bonnie get him out of your life and everytime you have a thought about him, imagine a huge steel metal shutter coming down on those thoughts.
When I was with my ex, I was always on ‘google’ putting in questions “how do I know if he loves me” or ” how can I trust him” and I always knew the answers deep within me and I was no fool because I kept telling myself that if this relationship felt right than why would I be searching websites asking those questions …..
Bonnie trust your intuition, its a strong instinct and it will never let you down.
Be strong … Good Luck
Oh Bonnie, Debra is sooo right, and deep down you know it. I really think if you were to meet someone else it would help you know there is life after the ex. I don’t mean to fall in love or anything serious like that because you are not ready for that and it would be unfair to you and to the other guy, but just try to get out and meet some other people, yes, male people, and realize that your ex is not the be-all he has convinced you he is. I am having trouble with my thoughts too, it’s like I am a train caught on these rails that keep going on and on ad-infintum and I think I really might be losing my mind because I still think of him at least 90 percent of my waking hours. One little thing that I just found out about my ex has made me even more sure I have done the right thing by not taking him back two weeks ago when he phoned me. I discovered when I said no to him he went back to her, and now he is cheating on her. How about them apples? I kind of think your ex might have another woman on the side, although I am not sure and I am not trying to hurt you with this thought. I have never, ever, found a man who broke off and had no one at all. They just don’t like being alone. Maybe he is just better at hiding it than the average Rat. LOL. Try to smile, enjoy the thought of spring and everything new, including new people in your life who won’t hurt you like that. Best wishes Mary
I am so glad to hear that you two are enjoying spring and sounds like you both are on the other side!!
I hear his voice and I melt. I want to believe the best because I love him and I want to be as happy as I am when I am with him. But there is always that doubt lingering….I know what I have to do….why is it so easy for him to let me go but so hard for me?? Is it guilt? Is it the unknown? Is it just the thought that I am failing at another relationship if I don’t try when he is trying? But seriously, is he really trying?? I am sure that he thinks he is, but he isn’t. I walk on eggshells worrying of the next thing that will set him off and send him packing.
I know there is someone out there for me. Someone that is not selfish, that actually wants me to feel good about myself and wants me to grow as a person, not someone who needs to make me self-conscious to make himself feel good.
Funny thing is that he is so selfish that he doesn’t even know what I am going through, and if he did it would just scare him away. I have to hide when I am upset or he does something to hurt me because he has “been through all that before” and he isn’t putting up with it. He is going to be lonely and alone, and I will be on the road to getting myself back.
Oh Bonnie, Mine was like that too. If he upset me enough to make me cry, he would get even harder, more cruel, as if he smelled blood. When I phoned him, crying, begging him to reconsider, all he would say in a cold tone was, “I don’t want to give you false hope.” When I told him tearfully that I loved him still, (even though he had cheated on me and lied to me for months) and asked him if he loved me too, he just said, “Don’t put yourself through this, it’s not good for you” in an even colder tone.
But when I was strong, when he called me two weeks ago, he started out strong, talking about generalities, but then reduced to tears, crying and begging. Funny, I wasn’t mean, I wasn’t crying, I was just calm and very nice with him when I told him he was too late. It seems the calmer and more in control I am, the less he is. This is very, very strange and it sounds as if you have a similar situation. Hmmmm….wonder if it is some kind of a syndrome.
It sounds as if you might be in Australia or somewhere like that. I am in Hamilton, Ontario Canada, not far from Toronto on Lake Ontario. Spring is just springing, today was really warm and sunny and I went for a walk on the beach where he and I used to walk and yes, it was hard, but I know I have to walk alone now, at least for awhile, and so as I walk I talk with God and ask Him to make it clear what He wants for my life. I know He has a plan and it isn’t for me to be crying as I have for six months now, and mooning over a man who treated me so badly.
I know my heart will eventually get into line with my brain. I am really fighting to think of happy things and look forward to doing new things. I am not a young woman anymore so this is a bit harder for me, but I am trying.
I really look forward to seeing your postings on this site. I feel as if I know you and Debie a bit and hope you two feel the same. We are all in the same boat, bailing away and trying to make the repairs to help us float again, then sail on to our new lives. (Am I getting too poetic here?)
Debra, I just re-read the last few postings and realized I was always addressing only Bonnie. I did not mean to ignore you my dear, I send my most sincere apologies. I know we have all been through hell because of men we loved and that we understand each other better perhaps than even our family members understand what we have been going through. I only wish there were some way we could meet for coffee and talk, talk, talk. We would probably go home healed!
Mary – I do feel the same way and I so appreciate your feedback on my rantings!
I look back at a journal I have been keeping since I broke up with my husband in Nov 2007 and I seem like a broken record. I had a ton of guilt and anixety back then and it all has resurfaced with this break-up and guy. I have had thoughts that maybe all of the problems I have been having with this guy are because I have unresolved feelings about my divorce. My ex-husband was indifferent at best during our marriage, and when I finally took steps to make myself happy all of a sudden he was all about me and what I needed. Now (I have two small children so he is ALWAYS around) he is cruel and says mean things to me about how I ruined the children, they are never going to be the same, and calling me a whore, etc. for having a boyfriend. Did I put so much into this relationship just to make me feel better about the divorce?
Ugh I agree with the brain and the heart thing. I know all the right answers in my brain, but my heart always over-rides what is right for what makes me feel good at the time.
And LOL Mary about Australia – I live in Michigan, but thanks for making me feel exotic for a second!!! And thanks for distracting me, he called me earlier but he is on the computer right now and I will not contact him first and he is not contacting me but having cute little conversations with a bunch of girls on Facebook….I am so much better than having to worry about stupid crap like this!!!
You guys are so much better than a journal because you talk back to me and tell me when I am being stupid and thinking too much and have really helped me so much. Thanks so much again!
OK girls (and anyone else that is listening) tell me something good about today…
Kind of overcast here today but I can feel spring coming (took both of you to mention it for me to notice
) I am getting things accomplished at work and I am getting out of the bad spot I was in yesterday. Oh and this is the first day this week that on the way to school I didn’t hear “Oh, I forgot _____!” from my 7 or 9 year old.
One day at a time, one accomplishment at a time, one little joy at a time to override all the hurt…..
Hi Bonnie, well I live in England, UK and spring is well on its way and I like to think that as we see the flowers and the trees developing new buds that maybe new beginnings will happen for all of us!
I have decided to start decorating my home, start from the top and work my way down!!! So, that a long with my work is keeping me busy so that I do not have time to dwell and I do think that is the answer … keep yourself busy!!!
Hey Mary, its really ok, I know that you was not ignoring me and I really hope that you are doing ok.
Take care ladies x
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