Step 9: The Science of Gratitude
“There are thousands of people starving in the world, so finish those green beans!!!”
Huh? Moms invoke this logic to get their children to finish a meal or lift them out of a bad mood. I don’t know about you, but this statement still fails to impress me! It’s not that the thought is flawed, it’s simply incomplete. Our parents never told us exactly how to do what they were asking. Just thinking about kids starving in other countries certainly didn’t make me want to eat those dang veggies. Luckily, psychologists studying the Science of Happiness are now able to explain that beyond mentally focusing on what we appreciate in our lives, we must repeatedly convey this gratitude in writing.
How will this help with your broken heart? You will feel relief from your heartbreak as your focus will be directed towards the good in your life. Most of us have issues savoring the good stuff – we take things for granted. You may be happy that you’re healthy, but does this really make you happier on a daily basis? If you told a friend you have a broken heart and they gave you the old ‘well at least you have your health’ line, you’d probably roll your eyes. But what if the good in your life could actually lift you from the depths of despair? It can – the research proves it!! So find the small and large things in your life for which you are grateful and write them down. You will feel better.
Check it out! In a study with over a thousand subjects that expressed 3 items of gratitude in writing everyday for 6-weeks following improvements were reported:
-More optimism
-Fewer physical ailments
-More progress on their own personal goals
-Higher levels of determination, alertness, and enthusiasm
-Fewer negative states such as fear, bitterness, and sadness
-More likelihood of helping someone else
-Lower rates of cardiovascular disease
-Decreased blood pressure
-Better sleep
Exercise: Write down 3 things you are grateful for in your life. Remember, the method in which we express gratitude is equally important to the expression, so we need you to write it down. Use the form below or use your journal. Repeat this exercise daily in your journal. When you are done, take the next step.
Having trouble? You may have made a life with someone, you possibly have kids, perhaps you have property that needs to be divided, and maybe you thought it was until death do us part. Now your heart is broken and we’re asking you to have gratitude? Yes, because there are still some good things in your life, we’re sure of it.
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
I can’t think of three things, does it have to be the three? I know, it’s kind of pathetic. I thought of two and will work with that for now.
I thank God for my health
I’m thankful for my family, my dog, my fish, my teaching job, my morning jog, my girlfriends, and that new movie the hangover. I think it’s the first time I’ve laughed in weeks. It still hurts, but I am thankful for these things.
I am heart broken. I am still totally in love with my boyfriend. He seems to not be so much in love with me anymore and it seems so hard to move on. When I go to work..I just think about everything and cry. I am trying so hard to be strong, but I am always sad and crying.
I’m thankful I got to love,but now I pay the price,I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.
the thing is, she was the thing that made me happy, seriously whilst i was going out with her it was the happiest i had EVER been in my life and the brake up is the worst thing that has happened to me.
read about my brake up on first page. 
i am thankful for having him in my life… even though he broke my heart i am still good friends with him… and he made me happy, i just hope hes happy too, and the decision that he made as well
I guess when its all said and done, and after I have come to terms of the breakup, and believing in the fact that everything does happen for a reason, (although, I just wish I knew why some things happen), Before I met her, I had always dreamed of what it would be like, to be in love! She did give me that chance to feel it, But what a costly price I had to pay! Below is the First poem I wrote for her, the day we Verbally said I Love You, and it was her who said it first! I still Love her so much!
“sometimes people will spend a lifetime looking for the perfect love, I found that love in you”
My Heart has been hardened for a good many years. With each failed relationship and betrayal my heart only grew colder and colder. I knew deep in my heart that only a true angel of love and honesty could ever reach the depths of my heart and thaw the ice that surrounded my heart. As each day has gone by, I started giving up all hopes of ever loving again, or being loved in return. My smiles were years of practice of wanting to be happy. My laughter was dull as the color gray. Black and white mulled in together to form a superficial me, one who on the outside pretending not to care, and one on the inside who did care, but kept it to myself, in great fear of being hurt and betrayed. Drew a circle around my life in order to protect the heart and love that lives within me. Never letting anyone to close, to me or my heart. Without warning, you came into my life, touched my heart with your words and smiles, and let yourself into my heart. As the hours and days passed, your love had reached the ice that surrounded my heart and melted away all the hurt and betrayal that was embedded into my heart, and let loose the love inside. That love grew to an enormous ocean of love for you. I fell in love with you and that will never change! You have made my heart so happy and my soul feels as if it is entwined within you. I can not foretell your future, but I can foresee mind, and in my mind eyes, I see me loving you forever. You are the Angel of Love that my heart has been searching for, and in which my heart will wait another lifetime, for us to be together. Our paths crossed for a reason, and I hope that reason is because we were meant to be soulmates. My heart and love will not bound you to a life of uncertainty, and if the time ever comes that your heart feels trapped and needs to search for its open happiness, let your heart know, that my heart will never stop loving you, and only wants to see you happy, and will be happy in any choice you make. I pledge my love to you, Forever and Always!
All My Love,
Micheal
09/23/2007
PS…. I am Happy that she is Happy, But not Happy that It wasn’t me, that could have made her Happy enough for her not to leave!
Powerful, Michael. I could’ve taken that poem and given it to my girl. Wish I had done something like that… You and I are kindred spirits in exactly the same storyline of what happened in our love lives…
I finally found love; mutually satisfying, giving, warm, erotically charged love, for the first time in my life at around age 40. It lasted 4 years, and it was so good I have to say the pain I am experiencing now is well worth the phenominal experiences I had with her. My girl, too, deserves to be happy, although I am not at the point yet where I am big enough to say I am happy for her even if she finds that happiness with someone else (if in fact she does have someone else at this point, we broke up this spring…)
This option is the worst. Of course I am thankful for things, but I’m only thankful for them when I seem to
have the person I love with me. Otherwise, they don’t matter a single thing.
I feel exactly what Denise feels.
John,
Your story is familiar. I too was well into 40 when I finally had a successful, loving, fulfilling relationship but now 5 years hence it’s over. My cynicism, bitterness and listening to too many people tell me you have to play hard, aloof and cool gradually pushed her away.
Hang on man.
Rick, John, Micheal.. it seems we all share the same story. We let our past make us so cold, we couldn’t enjoy the full warmth these women have given us when we were still together. But we learn hopefully won’t make the same mistake.
I have so much to be greatful for. I have four beautiful children of my own, and four borrowed children that i love dearly but now have a hard time cutting ties as they are his kids. I have a roof over my head and clothes on my back to keep me warm. I am so lucky that i also have shoes on my feet, food on the table and a warm bed to sleep in of a night time. I have my health, my life, and the air that i breath into my lungs keeping me alive.
When i broke up with my bf after 5long years, yes i was still majorly in love with him but this was not the first time this had happened it is the last time it has happened. I started reading Louis L Hays book called “Heal your life” Its a most wonderful book and i will help. I also have a self esteem and Happiness disk which is hypnotic and i play that every day, as i go to sleep. I have also a disk that i think is doing wonders for me called sound minds which i down loaded off the internet. It sounds like rain but is much more than that. It increases your melononin for better sleep, it increases your seratonin so your not as depressed, its a great healing disk. There is so much out there that is helpful but i also had to start forgiving my ex bf for the things he done so wrong to me over a 5yr period and when i started doing this it also helped. I know im going through a period of adjust ment but i know i am healing through sights like this one. You do need to be greatful to help your healing. You may call it healing i would rather calling it clearing or cleansing your soul of all the nasty and bad stuff that consumes you.
I know i went through all the nasty and bad stuff, i even went as far as breaking him and the other girl up by making friends with her for 24hrs, not because of nastiness for her. I didnt want her to go through the hell i went throug and there was plenty of it. I wanted her to stay strong and pick a better man.
Well he may of had her, but he had one waiting in the wings if that one didnt work out and it didnt. Now his with the other one and and still has another one waiting in the wings again. We split up 2weeks ago and im still helping these girls and they dont even know why. He has a problem he refuses to get fixed and the next one will feel the same pain.
So come on begreatful and start healing. Im just so greatful im doing so well this time. I have become stronger in just a couple of weeks. Soon i will move from our house and i will be doing so much better when his that much futher aways from me. Good luck every one. Good luck in finding the right person this time. And do break the cycle and keep strong. There are other great potiential partners out there but you have to be happy first before finding them.
Im greatful for this site that i could share with you my thoughts, Im greatful for the internet as it has let me to finding a way to get over my ex confidently and with minimal pain, I am greatful for all my friends that stand by me through this difficult period in my life, and im so greatful that if i could help just one person here today then im glad. If not then i know it has helped me.
The bottom line is we all had our chance ang we blew it. Some of us had 3 chances and still blew it. The question is did we learn from our mistakes?
I definately learned something. Never allow (well for me) another man to ever treat me like that again. The problem like the one i went out with is this, His a pathalogical liar. Problem is this, He will throw a fishing line in and wait for you to take the bait, then he will tug a little more and then once he knows his got you believing him, his got you hooked a little longer.
This time i know one thing, take care of me first, then them later. Im realizing that i done too much for every body else and nothing for me. I being a woman and what im about to say will be hard to believe, but i’ve only bought 1 pair of jeans, a dress and a shirt and a vest in the past couple of years and 1 pair of shoes. The rest went to him and his kids. The kids needed money i provided it. He had a lot more than me coming in and i was the one giving them everything i have.
Now im planning to leave the house where he lives too, after 5 years im just walking out with the cloths that fill just one suit case and my shoes. Tell me why does he get to keep everything when i helped pay for everything. Does not make sense.
Thanks everybody for sharing… It helps to read your stories and experiences. I know that for most of you is much harder especially with kids and the pain of losing but being force to comunicate and stay close to the same person that caused you so much pain… Well, I know if you’ve been cheated on, you probably won’t like me that much. I cheated on him once before, while we were still deciding what to do. I was hooking up with my ex boyfriend…was confused, so stupid. It’s been a while… we made it trough. He also kissed a girl in the club, being drunk, I knew it was a mistake and probably caused by pain
Year later, I kissed another guy and had an emocional affair with him. It lasted couple of days and I came to my sense quicky, but we did kissed and I had to tell my boyfriend about it. I am so angry at myself, ‘cos I hurt him and myself for nothing…I know it sound stupid but I do have a problem of constantly not letting myself be happy in a relationship. I subconciusly ruin it by doing something stupid like this. Now I’m broken hearted and the paradox is – I did it myself. I love him so much and miss him, with all his flaws and wrongs…and the question is: why I didn’t think of the consequences? I’m like a stupid spoiled girl that is testing “love”. So stupid. Now I’m in such pain, I’m in same place for a month now. Just crying my eyes and heart out so much I think I’m gonna die. On the other hand I’m very stong I have this power to rise up from everything…and I think it would be different maybe if I wasn’t the one to blame. I know we sound like a couple of stupid teenagers, but unfortunately 
we are grown up.
English is not my native language as you can notice…
I agree with you it’s all about learning and it’s all a part of our path.
I wished that I have been more careful
I wish I’ll learn how to love, not just feel.
Lucia,
If you dont know why you done these things then maybe i can help you there. I found a book called “Heal Your Life” by Louise L Hayes. Now this book goes into reasons why you do such things. You may want to read this book as it helped me to understand myself and why i do certain things. The book looks at the things you say about yourself, as well as the things you learnt while growing up which adds to the way you were taught about things in your life. You will find that it comes from your parents and your parents learnt the samethings as there parents. There has to be a way to stop the cycle.
If you go into another relationship the likely hood is you will do it again these things but if you learn why you do it, then you can stop what you have learnt bu understanding why you did it in the first place.
Do get it. You can find it in most book shops and its a very popular book. Good Luck and i hope you find it useful.
Thanks a lot Joanne! Well I was thinking psihologicaly ab it, parents and past experiences… Unfortunately it is not that simple, I study a lot ab it… And also when I look az my family nobody has a similar problem or this kind of behavior. Maybe on other fields if u wanna dig deeper but not on this one. It’s completely opposite. I would like to have an answer, not an excuse!! I will try to find this book, thanks…
unfortunately the best thing about me is him.. he is my first love..
Joanne, and everybody else…I had a real epifany (did I get the word right) about really loving myself. It happened in a day and I’m free from my pain, actually I’m thankfull. Well, memories do come back, but I’m not blaming myself so much… Anyway I wanna share my experience but now I’ve gotta go.
God bless
i agree with denise.. i have many good things in my life (friends, family) and im fortunate in many ways…but what good is all this when you dont have them or your own family…what if you have a good job that you can go on a nice holiday…alone… who would want that.. the things that are good in my life seem pointless without him…
I am so thankful for my son who i love dearly more than anything in this world. he takes first priority over anything or anybody. this is to all the mothers out there. you have to take control of your own life and make sure your children have the best life and that includes yourself. you are their support and they are your support. i am also thankful that i am strong woman inside and out. i am thankful for my friends and family that love me.
I am grateful that I loved him. I was 45, and had never known true love. The pain I feel now is fierce, but I’m glad I got to experience that union.
I am grateful for my spiritual faith, because I know that the love I felt for him, ultimately had nothing to do with him. He’s just a man. It had to do with the fact that I was open to being swept away in an ocean of love. And he’s a very special person, but he’s not God. What I really felt was god’s love, channeled through this beautiful romance. But to cling to the romance, now that it’s over, is pointless. Like mist, it’s gone. I want to experience that wave of love again, but I understand now that it came from within me, not from him. I have the potential to soar like that, when I’m in touch with my Spirit. And it will happen, when I’m ready. Maybe I’ll feel that deep, deep love through another romance, but I know that human love always hurts. Even if it’s the perfect relationship, chances are one or the other of you will die first, and the other is left with searing pain. So I will also seek self-love and god’s love. This sort of love will never let you down.
I’m also grateful for my eyesight. Life would be so much more complicated and difficult if I were blind.
Something Michael said above struck a chord with me. He said, “I’m happy that she’s happy, but not happy that it wasn’t me that she could be happy with”.
I know that obviously it wasn’t meant to be, and I am glad for the lesson(s) I learned from the short time I had.
This sort of thinking helps me to stay away from getting bitter, staying positive. A dull ache has replaced the
breath stealing pain that was once there.
I’m getting through this, but man this sucks.
I don’t think i can ever love again.
It’s too painful, and disrupting!
I feel like i have Chump stamped on my forehead.
She loved me like no other, but her behavior disorders
sabotaged everything constantly.
Todd: I feel the same way about my situation… I hear you man!!
Todd and Michael…I know how you guys feel. How busy are you? Speaking as someone that’s maybe 2 or 3 months
furthur in the timeline than you…get as busy as you can. Hang with friends, workout, go hang with family, workout, take up a new hobby, do something that gets your mind busy and off of her. Try to steer your thoughts towards the positive, obviously it’s ok to be mad…for a while, but if you stay there, you’ll spiral down a negative path that’s not where you want to go.
I’ve spent days on end at the beach, starring out there, letting my mind go somewhere else, finding my center…whatever you want to call it.
You have to believe that you are worthy of someone that’s worthy of you.
Hope these tidbits help.
Kay,
Youre post was so powerful.
Thank you!
Your words really resonated with me. Self love and gods love are constant. They will nEVER go away.
I feel that nothing lasts. What is the point of finding love if it always runs away from me. In that same breath, what is the point of life if I can’t find and keep love?
AnnaNYC,
Love between two people may not last, but I feel it makes it that much more special. Next time around maybe we’ll be able to appreciate it that much more. I just got out of a relationship of 14 months. My first girl friend too. It hurt, but on the bright side. I think, I took her for granted while I was in the relationship. Now when I find someone knew I can appreciate them all the more, because I’ll have a better understand of what I have and how special it is. Also, the experience of this break up has caused me to grow a great deal as a person and I am now a little stronger and wiser. Growth as a person is a huge part of life. Trust me that the pain will get better and hold in there. (Start to shift your focus on things that you are thankful for in your life. The above exercise will do wonders if you are persistent. It’s all about your focus.)