Type of Relationship: An Affair of the Heart
Status: Providing Inspiration to others
I think a defining moment in one’s life comes the instant we realize what we could have had. Not that it makes us who we are or that we should spend our lives beating ourselves up over it; however, when these moments come, we often find ourselves in shoulda-coulda-woulda land for at least a short period of time.
I had returned to my hometown after what seemed like forever and a day. In reality, I had only been away a year and a half. My marriage had gone south, and having no close ties to anyone in Kentucky, I came home to Missouri to be near my family and start a new life. I was in a state of chaos and confusion – the emotional roller coaster that often accompanies separation and divorce. I had nary a clue as to what I wanted, where I was going, or even who I was at that point. My marriage had soured me on relationships, so I was certainly in no position to get involved, nor was I capable of recognizing what was there.
I met Billy Joe at the town square. He just happened to sit on the bench beside me, and we started chatting. We hit it off and quickly became involved. I thought he was a great guy: sweet, intelligent, straight forward, brutally honest, yet a gentleman. With Billy, what you saw was what you got. I liked everything about him, and thought he was rather cute too. He was a very young looking 30, with smooth skin, long legs, a nice body, and long, shiny brown hair. He was here for work, had come from Arkansas, and I thought I had hit the jackpot with this sweet southern rock charmer.
I knew I was falling completely, totally, hopelessly head-over-heels for this man. Maybe I couldn’t accept that right then. I know I was scared of being hurt again; jaded by one too many loves-gone-wrong. So, I kept my mouth shut. I never told Billy how I felt. Somewhere in my mind, I had convinced myself that this was not a serious relationship; it was more of a fling or friends with benefits kind of thing.
I started seeing other guys. I mean Billy and I were not exactly a couple, so I didn’t think it would matter. The first clue that it was an issue became clear when he saw me with someone else. The look on his face said it all. Still, he never mentioned it and neither did I. We just went on like usual. Eventually, I moved in with someone I did not really even like just because he wanted me too. I still saw Billy when I could, but eventually our meetings were few and far between.
I missed him all the time, but was still afraid to admit how I felt. Eventually, those hidden feelings backfired on me. Billy was planning to go home and came to see me. I was a wreck, unsure of anything in my life. I didn’t really think he loved me, so I was ready to just give up and move on. His last words to me as he left that day were “Who knows? Maybe in a year or so, we’ll be married.” I didn’t know what to say, so I silently watched as he walked away.
Billy knew how to get a hold of me, and for a while, I held onto hope that he would…don’t we all? By now, I had realized my mistake; I knew he loved me and kept asking myself why I had not run after him or left town with him? His failure to communicate in the beginning or to get in touch afterward was heartbreaking. Nevertheless, I could not lay it all on Billy’s shoulders; after all, I hadn’t said a word either.
For a long time, I moped around – depressed, angry, and very frustrated by what I felt as life throwing one more injustice in my direction. Yes, it was a pity party, and I was the honored guest. Two months after he left town, I found out I was pregnant with Billy Joe’s baby. I was joyous but terribly sad as well. I had no idea how to let Billy know and it mattered very little anyway, as our daughter only survived to the fifth month before I lost her.
After the miscarriage, I tried to rebuild my life. I tried to move on from all the heartache and sorrow. I started working more, meeting people, and doing whatever I could to rebuild the happiness I felt I needed and deserved.
A few months later, I ran into a mutual friend who told me Billy had never made it back to Arkansas. He had gone to a bar for his final night here and was killed by a knife-wielding maniac when he tried to break up a fight.
Since then, it has been 6 years. Time has helped ease the pain and has made things easier to deal with. The good memories are there, and I often miss Billy and wonder what if…
I have moved on in life, have remarried, have a family, a career, and have found the happiness I sought.
I found that time does heal the pain, but you have to work at it a bit and look ahead to find that bright light in your life after such pain. I could have sat back, wishing, wanting, and holding on to a past I had no control over. I could have allowed all the grief to swallow me up. Instead, knowing I had to get on with my own life, I made sure to embrace every opportunity to do so. Sure, I still felt pain and sadness, but it helped tremendously to stop and appreciate the small things in life for their simple beauty. Getting out there and living each day the best I could made time pass easily and pain fade over time. Most of all, I learned never to bottle up my thoughts and emotions. It was good to talk; to remember. Eventually, I could celebrate Billy Joe’s life through the good memories and knew that by moving ahead in my own, I was honoring him.
Note: This true story of courage was generously shared by freelance writer & editor, Stephanie Burtis.
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
whoa – that is amazing. you are an inspiration!
it really helps me to read this story, because it doesn’t feel like i’m going to get through this right now. i can’t see two feet down the road – it’s cloudy. stephanie, thank you for sharing this amazing tale. i will draw strength from you.
touching story!
That story made me cry but it made me see all the pain the last guy I was with. We were the same friends with benefits and I through it all away by jealousy. Now he is gone from my life for good. I can not even contact him because I will have the cops at my door for harassment. I loved him but he never loved me. He said to me the last time we seen each other over two months ago you do realize that you had it all and threw it away. All he wanted me to do was trust him but I never did. It has been two months as we are still not talking not even friends. I do not know how he is and that is ok because I love him to much to see him date another. I am getting better and this story was an inspiration thanks
your story is so beautiful. im trying to write an article on how to mend a broken heart, more of the things of what not to do, as ultimately i think it will help me order my thoughts and get over my own. my own shoulda woulda coulda story is similiar to yours. i finally got out of an abusive relationship last year in february and went on holiday in the summer with friends. i met an amazing guy (friend of a friend) who was smart, funny and sweet everything abut him was new to me… thinking about it i fell in love instantly but wouldnt allow myself to believe it. luckily he lived in a village just 3 miles off so we saw each other everyday, until he left for uni a month later to be a doctor. it was hard as we had connected so quickly bt we texted through the day, called each other every evening, saw each other every other weekend. it was fine until he came home for christmas. i ended things, i figured that it would end eventually and i was only saving myself from the pain that i would have felt if we had gone on further. the pain i felt may as well have killed me. i didnt tell him i loved him, and he didnt tell me, but we knew. it hurt like hell for about a month then i started to kid myself that i wasnt still in love… ‘im fine’ was my only response to everyones questions. i first saw him again in a nightclub back home through summer with a girl, i was crushed all over again, i havent let anyone near me since and he had a pretty little blond on his arm. i spoke to him a week later for the first time since the break up.. the blond is called lindsey. he started dating her after she helped him through the break up. it hasnt got easier, ive learnt to live with it and i cant help thinking that if i had said ‘i love you’ we would still be together. but at least he is happy… i still love him, i just wish i was the girl with his arm around
i last my love and am hate myself to love her so much …..your poem is healing a lot
ur story is heart touching……..d way u cum out frm ol dese and accept d truth mk me inspire……..bt still i think dat tym is jus nt a best medicine nd a busy schedule nd family wud nt let u forget d luv…………..bt still u gr8 going……….so keep it up dear
your story is helping me deal with my pain and broken heart l have kust spilt up him and now he with another girl we are still good friends cos l still love him very much and always will l know he still thinks alot of me we see each other every week dont want to throw our memories away right now my pain so bad but will heal in time xxxx
your story touched my heart. I just had an argument with my husband and he’s now sleeping on the couch. what happened really broke my heart, especially to the fact that he didn’t come to comfort me when I was crying. I now see that others have it worse and I’m glad that I read your story. it healed my broken heart, thank you.
to me its a hardest battle inmy life after25 years ofmarriage andmy husband leaving me for a youger woman its hurts you feel betray abuse and used and now what how can i be friend i feel i dont want to everseehimagian andmovefrommy beatiful home to a mobile home where I can mingle with other people god bless for your story
i just did leave a comment
Yes time is a great healer……………… But it depends how much TIME does time take to make you forget things……….. and let you move on!! Sometimes it just eats off all the beautiful years of your life making it the ugliest ones.
thank you for this story, i really lost the love of my life to jealousy, mistrust and running away of how i truly felt. It is really hard when you could of had something and now it’s gone forever. You really wished for someday you had a second chance…you really wish you could turn back time, you hope someday things would change, however you are right, time heals and we move on, i wish to move on, because he did and he only wants me to find someone that will make me happy
it is so hard right now. thank you for this story…i read it everyday to remind myself that i can move on.
I enjoyed your story, it helped me. I am in love with someone that I thought cared about me but it turns out that he didnt. He was just using me. He left out of the country to work for a year and we saw each other before he left, we had a nice dinner but he never said goodbye. I told him how I felt and he just completely got cold with me. I have tried several times to talk to him and he has ignored all of my emails. It breaks my heart that he is doing that but I guess I was not the friend I thought he I was. He doesn’t want to be my friend, he just wants to forget I was ever part of his life. I try really hard not to cry but its so hard sometimes that I do so I can feel better. Although he treated me this way, i have no hard feelings for him and will always care for him even if we never see each other again. Life goes on and I hope to be able to feel happy again like I did when I was with him with someone else.
In life we are never sure of what to expect, some day a great love comes to your life the next time, he’s gone. I was involved with someone i thought he felt the same way i did but later learnt that he was just using me. I did all that he asked without expecting anything in return, later i learnt that he had someone else in his life. this really hurts me up to date and cant get myself to forget him. When i had enough of everything i wrote an email telling him off, which he didnt bother to respond, but later i felt guilty of my action and wrote an apology to the guy which he also didnt respond. am so confused right now i feel like my world is crumpling down. How do i get over this and trust men again???
My problem is that we broke up and we work together. How do you heal when you have to see the person at work everyday? In the break room and hallway everyday?
I’ve never felt so upset over a man in my entire life. I met him online. We clicked immediately and I ended up staying at his flat for the next four nights. It was like we’d known each other forever. And I felt really safe with him (i’m 26, he’s 33). We spent all our spare time together. After a couple of weeks he told me that he’d told his mum about me and that he wanted me to meet her sometime. He also said he wanted me to meet his friends. Things were great for the next couple of months. He’d take me out to lovely restaurants, we’d cook together, relax together…
Then out of the blue he stopped texting and calling completely. I left it a week (the longest we’d ever gone without contact) and then texd him asking if we were over, becasue it was so out of the ordinary him not contacting me like this. He texd back and said no we wernt but that he was busy at work. So I expected him to text or call the next day but he didnt. Or the day after. I was in peices by this point and couldn’t figure out what I did wrong. So I texd him and told him I couldnt go on like this anymore. He didnt even reply. So a couple of days later I texd him and told him this silent treatment really wasnt fair. So he texd back saying he didnt mean to ignore me but he’s been busy. And now he has a friend staying over so he can’t talk. Later that day I texd him saying I missed him. He didnt reply. Then I got mad and told him to just tell me now if he wanted me to leave him alone, because I needed to know so that I could forget him and move on. And he couldnt even do that. He didnt even reply. I don’t know where this has come from. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I’m shocked to the point of feeling severe pain that he could even treat me like this. No explanation. Nothing. I don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to forget him and move on when I don’t know what’s wrong with him or what went wrong.
I’m … i’m just broken.
this is what i feel
what happened next ? i wanna know more abt you…