Comments on: Step 14: Leave Loneliness Behind

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 11:30:42 +0000

Wow S, your message of surely became my epiphany today! Serenity to accept the things that cannot be changed, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to see the difference between the things that cannot and can be changed by me. I suddenly realized I had been doing exactly the opposite. Trying to change the things I could not, and running away from things I could change. Mixing it all up! In looking at things which can or cannot be changed, I also realize it not only applies for things coming from the outside, outside of me, but also from within. Acceptance of pain is part of that, just as the courage to face it, go through the pain, so it gradually dissolves. I in the end realize this journey of healing my broken heart, above all has increased my ability to distinguish between what can and cannot be changed, when to accept and when to be brave and change it. Thank you for sharing your insight with others.

By: Lance

Lance — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 00:29:20 +0000

S,
Thank you for sharing that with us. I must admit it seems like the two of us are in very similar situations..I haven’t quite gotten to that point of clarity…I still find myself making excuses for my ex’s behavior…and I know that I shouldn’t. I’m so tired of be treated this way…I just wish there was a way to stop loving her so much. I know that in the long run I will be better off if I keep moving on and focusing on my transformation…but I can’t help but wish I could have all her good qualities back…our hopes, our dreams. I find myself crying uncontrollably…and tomorrow I have a huge interview…and I can hardly concentrate to better prepare myself for it. I want my serenity…I want to enjoy the things I used to again…

By: S

Tue, 04 Jan 2011 19:58:11 +0000

I had an epiphany today. Everyday for 2 weeks I have cried and the pain has been unbelievably awful. I kept asking why why why..why am I feeling like I’m losing my mind? While I was on my walk, because I can’t sit still in my own skin, it hit me. I’m not crying because I’m not with her, I’m crying because I’m no longer in denial. You see, I was the one that broke it off. I had been in an unhealthy relationship for over 3 yrs. And for 3 yrs I have been living in denial. Every time she hurt me, I made excuses, I didn’t acknowledge the pain she was causing me. I always forgave her, I always told her it was ok, because I thought it’s what you did when you loved someone. I dismissed all the pain because I told myself it would all be better once she validated me and our relationship. Well guess what? I finally asked her for what I deserved, and she didn’t come through. That was my breaking point. I told her not to contact me anymore. And since then I have been in so much pain I could barely breathe. Then, she sent me a text, a picture of her two children. It bothered me because I thought she sent it to me by accident. I didn’t respond, until yesterday. I texted her and asked if she sent it by accident. She responded and said no, it wasn’t an accident. I just replied ok and left it alone. Well, I had a major melt down as a result. Worse then usual. I kept asking myself why would she send me a picture of something I could never have? She had told me numerous times that I would never have contact with her children. Her reason was because of her ex. So I was puzzled as to why she would do that. Today, It hit me so hard. I realized that my tears are not because I’ve ended this relationship, because It was unhealthy and she constantly hurt me and I settled for less then I deserved from her. So leaving her is a good thing. My epiphany was that the pain I am feeling is all the things that happened during our relationship. All the times she was selfish, the many things she did that caused me pain. But, at the time I buried it. I didn’t acknowledge the pain, I denied it, I lied to myself and keep from feeling the pain that was adding up every time something happened. Well, I no longer live in denial, and it is all coming to me at once. All the things she did, all the things I choked down, I am a raw nerve feeling every moment of the last 3 years!!! I accept my tears now. I accept the pain that I once denied because I know it’s the only way I can move on. I have so much clarity now. I now know I will never be silent in my world again. I will never be a volunteer in the destruction of my self worth again. I now know If someone is in my life and I am hurt by their actions, I will not say it’s ok or shrug it off. I will let them know that what they did made me feel a certain way. I have a right to say no, I won’t accept this behavior. I can choose who I have in my life and I do not have to accept people taking me for granted and not giving me the respect I deserve. I have a huge heart, but that doenst give people the right to take advantage of that. So from now on I will share that heart with people who deserve it and who treat me the way I treat them. I can honeslty say I now believe there is a light at the end of this tunnel. My priority is to start treating myself the way I treat others, with love and respect. I can start healing now. I can move on from this a stronger better person who knows how to take care of herself.

By: S

Mon, 03 Jan 2011 17:23:22 +0000

My hope is to someday be able to sit still, and just be. I wish this for everyone here also. It’s something we take for granted. I pray for acceptance, because peace and serenity is a direct result from that state of mind. “God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

May god grant us all acceptance.

By: Mace

Mace — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 10:16:49 +0000

Well, I’ve decided to move out of my condo…(he lives 2 doors away from me). I”m a bit scared, but know this will be good for me. It still hurts every now and then (15 years in relationship)… it’s 2 1/2 months since our break-up. Also, being in the holiday season, I kind of feel lonely… miss being with his family around the holiday season. But I have my grown daughters, and they have helped me a great deal with my healing. I know with prayers and patience, my anxiety will subside…this too shall pass, with Gods help.

By: Rock

Rock — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 15:36:24 +0000

Hey Shawn,

I know what you mean. Sometimes after the break up, it seems as if nothing else really matters…I’ve had several “What’s the point?” moments of everything else including things that have been precious to me in the past. I’m embarrassed to admit that my close friends seemed a little less meaningful as well. It is all a matter of perspective and a matter of making an effort to actually make those other things matter again. It’s up to me and I’m finally able to see that.

Thanks all!!

Rock

By: ShawnF

ShawnF — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 15:34:13 +0000

Yes, this video hit the spot for me. The pie analogy made a lot of sense and I’ve been putting other parts of my life on hold because they’ve felt tainted by the break up. Time to pick up those other parts of my life again; time to fill up my pie. Thanks, Amelie.

By: Dramaqueen

Dramaqueen — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 07:29:19 +0000

That is so true, Queen of pain! I have read a lot about pain after break up on this site. And I really feel for you all. It’s so hard to just let go. But it is the only way to do it. You are put in a situation were you have two choices: give up or grow. I guess we all have days were we wish to be back in the arms of our ex, but do you get the wrongness in this? In life there is no going back, you only move ahead. And if you are to reunite with your ex, that will be in a new relationship. So you (and I) have to change our pattern, seek and find joy and strength. Feel the joy of growing, the joy of friendship (after my break up I experienced so strong bond with my friends. They were totally there for me. Men will come and go, but good friends they stay and those bonds will only grow stronger and more important. So with good friends you will never really be alone. Yesterday I made the drawing in one of the exercises where one should write down all the things you loved, liked and didn’t think was to bad. It blow my mind! I had nearly 40 things that I really love! That’s including persons, things to do, my job and more material things. I had also a lot of things I liked and then only 4 things I didn’t think was so bad. Wow! Was my thought, I really, really have a rich life! Now looking at the drawing: It makes me smile all the way down to the toes:-)
And to day I’ll host a meeting at a literature club, to morrow two friends will join me for dinner and on Friday I’ll go on a car trip with a friend to visit his horses! So to all of you who are in pain, seek the companionship of other people. They will lift you, they will remind you of how strong, kind, beautiful and nice company you are. You have all the love you need inside of you, and just now hundreds and thousands of people are looking for someone to love. Keep your heart open, so they can find you!
The future is bright for all of us!

By: meredith

meredith — Sun, 23 May 2010 22:40:31 +0000

Holding a grudge is like continually sipping poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

By: Gen

Gen — Sat, 08 May 2010 19:20:22 +0000

these steps have definitely helped me a lot. I feel a bit closer all the time. i really feel like i am growing and learning about myself and what i want to have in my future so much, and i wouldnt be developing in this way had this not happened to me. though of course i would rather it hadnt! i found my faith during this whole experience with my ex boyfriend, and am so grateful for that, without it i dont think i’d be coping at all! we’re all so so blessed with many things in our lives, even if it doesnt feel like it right now, we all have things to be grateful for. i’m trying to concentrate on those and appreciate them and be thankful for them. I’m trying to give out some of the love i have stored up in me to my friends and family, while i wait for romantic love to reappear! i still want him back so badly, it feels like it is right that we will find each other again. and if not, i am fully open to meeting someone else and need to do all i can to attract the sort of love i want towards me. so i think hard about what i want, then focus on it everyday, and am teaching myself to really believe, from deep down, that it will happen, because YOU AND I deserve it! lets all learn from what we’re going through and ensure that we NEVER treat others like we have been treated, if we can help it. sometimes breaking someones heart cant be avoided, but if you do so be as compassionate and respectful and honest to that person as possible, do all you can to make it easier on them. we should use our experiences to help others going through the same. i dread the day one of my friends or family goes through something like this, but when and if they do, i’ll step up and help them out as best i can, and i’ll be able to understand! good luck everyone! just the fact you’re are feeling this heartache so much is what makes you incredible human beings, we feel! xxx