Step 14: Join a Community
What do we know? Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize winner in economics, was recently studying the correlation between being wealthy and being happy. He states, “The belief that high income is associated with good mood is widespread but mostly illusory.” Basically, earning more money or winning the lottery doesn’t actually make you as happy as you think it will. Another study was done by psychologists, Ed Diener and Martin Seligman, comparing people who are very happy those who are less happy. They found the main difference between the two groups wasn’t money, job status, geographic location, or the number of children they had. Instead, the group that was happier simply had more meaningful relationships with friends and family.
How does this help my broken heart? The power of community including groups of like-minded people, individual friends, and family not only have the ability to make you happier, they have the ability to help you heal. You may find a friend with whom you can share your story and the simple act of confiding in your friend will help you recover faster. You may be invited out for dinner and although you may be lost in your own thoughts for a portion of the night, just the effort to surround yourself with care will help you recover faster. Socially satisfying relationships with friends, loved ones, and communities intensifies the meaning in our lives and consoles our pain.
How should you do it? It’s possible that during your break up you may have had to divide up not only your furniture, but your friendships as well. Maybe you were so immersed in the lives of one another, that your friendships took a back seat. Maybe you feel the friends that you once turned to are now merely acquaintances. Or perhaps you still have great friends and strong family ties, but you cannot fathom connecting with anyone in this state of pain. The fact is, if you reach out to those whom you care about and who care about you, it will help ease your pain; it will help heal your broken heart.
Try this exercise!
1. Make a list of people who are in your life that you could socialize with this week. For now, your committment should be to go out for dinner, a drink, or just to hang out at least 2x per week. A helpful hint for your socialization is to try to spend time with a few people who did not know you and your ex as a couple.
2. Next, find one class or community activity that you have been putting off getting yourself involved in and do it. This cannot be online, in case you were planning on cheating. You must interact with real, live humans!
3. Finally, join a gym and start hitting the book stores. These are two wonderful places to not only enhance your body and mind, but to also meet new people. Fresh friendships will go a long way to heal your pain. Are you committed? Before moving to the next step, create your lists and begin to make it happen!
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
thanks for the help. You have given me a lot to think about and steps to take. One thing that I would like to add is that even though you go through the steps and get better for a while that is great but don’t beat yourself up or get upset if the pain of your broken heart should rear it’s ugly head again in the future. You should go through the process of evaluation and healing every time that it arises. The human heart and soul is a complex entity that needs attention at times also. That, I believe, is why you cannot stop yourself from loving again and not be bitter. Your soul is fed by love both given and received. Remember this and maybe we can change the world. The person that broke your heart probably had their heart broken and is still living in some bitterness and rejection of love. That is why they refuse to love you the way you should be loved and reject your love that is given to them so they don’t have to be opened up to be hurt again. Please remember this when you are going through the steps and don’t let yourself be bitter. By all means remove yourself if necessary but if you love others then you will be loved just not always by who you think should be doing the loving. Don’t be afraid to love again…..
Thanks for saying that Queen of Pain. It’s so easy to want to just give up on love so we don’t have to feel these terrible feelings, but in doing that we take away our chances of feeling the wonderful feelings that love brings. I was so bitter with my first break up, but with this one I feel like there is still a good life in front of me, even if the one I thought I would share it with isn’t there. It will just take time to get used to that idea.
I WANNA SHOUT ,I’M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ,HA HA HA HA HA HA ,THANKS ! SPECIAL THANKS FOR EVERYTHING!
I’m agreeing with what all 3 of you are saying, I’M FREE too….. it’s a good feeling, i have been held down for a while, you set me free and free i will be, I want to be happy, i want to love again, i want to heal, i want me, i want my family, i want love, i deserve love, i deserve all good that is coming to me!!!! all of us in this situation all share one thing in common, a lil bit lost. wanting what we had, but is that what you really want?? In the end that is not what i want, if someone is not giving themselves to you entirely and you are a stepping stone, it’s good to let them go!! all i have to say is THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME GO! NOW I CAN BE ME, LOVE, LIVE, LIFE!!!
Its so important for us to remember, it was OUR ability to love that loved in the first place, it has actually nothing to do with the other person, but our capacity for love hope and faith in our own hearts. And this is the beauty of being human, and living on this earth, we can keep that heart open, to spread that love further to ourselves to others and let it grow, not contract. We can choose to be a product of our conditioning and be afraid to move on to further love, or we can choose happiness, love and the ability to enjoy ourselves, which is our birthright:) woohoo!
I love you guys, Thankyou xxxxxxxx
Good people love unconditionally, they do unto others and ask only for their love to be returned. Send love to those that have hurt you as they have no concience, send them love and light.
I can’t send love to someone like my x-fiancee .. I never can love him, actually I can say he will be the first human I will ever hate. I feel compassion for him, for the way he is but to love him? I am sorry, I am living in pain because of him. I am a really open person and I want to learn from my mistakes, I am not a person who blame other’s for my mistakes because I sure want to improve and I want to be better. At least if it was something I did or something I understand I would be feeling better and peaceful. I was dumbed out of the relationship as if I have no voice, choice or anything.. We had a wonderful engagement and the regular fights, the ones any couple will had. We were planning our life, designing our house rooms and trying to figure out our wedding expense! I was going to be a lovely bride on November 20th but he just stopped walking with me. He just left me with no reason and quietly asked me to pack everything we shared/gave me .. everything so I had nothing to remind me of him, just spots and drinks, certain tablewears and certain attitudes.. An actor which when I watch, I will see him through that guy .. his acts, muscles, face expressions, skin color, and smile .. I just hate him and I had my times wishing him to die *which is also a very not me* I am known to be nice, sweet and I forgive easily. I thought I can forgive him, I thought I did forgive him but by months I discovered that it is too much pain to be forgiven and I want him to suffer for the pain he caused me. If you read this and you think you can enlighten me by something, I’d appreciate it .. Thank you
love and light… so much power.. i hope enough…
i pray that God gives me strength to get through this….
Thank you so much, I feel better already.
Dear Selina, I can read the terrible, heart wrenching pain in your words and truly, I care so much for what you are going through because I am feeling the same kind of agony too. You can read my story farther back on one of these pages but my story is not what is important. What is important is that you do not allow your heart and spirit to be poisoned by these feelings of unforgiveness and hatred for your ex.
What he did is horrible! As you said, you had no vote, no choice in the matter. But you do have a choice, and control of your own feelings. You have felt real true love for someone, even though he turned out to be a rat. You have a great capacity to love, and that is a wonderful thing, and as you know, creates wonderful feelings within yourself. But when you allow hatred and unforgiveness to enter into your heart, you are actually wounding yourself, not the object of your emotions, namely “Rat”. He doesn’t care how you feel about him. How you feel doesn’t affect him.
But these bad feelings are like acid, burning your heart and making it scar and harden so your capacity to love again, when the right one comes along, will be greatly diminished. I have heard it said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Instead your heart, your spirit dies a bit every day within you.
Please try to purge yourself of these feelings. This guy will end up anone and lonely because he is selfish and will hurt people who love him without conscience. You do not deserve to be alone, but you will if you let your heart harden with hatred and unforgiveness. Let go of it and let God take care of this guy.
I will pray for you too because I really do believe in miracles, I have had so many myself. I will pray you will be healed, be made stronger and that you will meet the right man for you who will love and cherish you for the rest of your life.
God Bless You
I too am going through a breakup but i refuse to let someone make me feel worthless. I know i am a great woman who has a lot of love inside, i have had many rats in my life who after wasting many years showed their tru e colours. But hatred and revenge are not mine, god sees and believe me what goes around comes around. Love youself enough to know that you deserve the best and you don’t have to settle for anything less. Send love and light to those that havee hurt you and pray to the Angels to give you strength and lift you spirit higher where it rightfully belongs.. . . . Keep the faith everyone
Dear Selina, ask the Angels to come into your life and watch the fabulous things unfold. I will say a prayer that your heart will heal from this Take care friend
Mary and Kathleen,
Thank you both for your words and prayers, I sure will pray for you both too to go through your pain and recover. I really agree with you Mary and I know I should release my pain in something else other than anger. It is better now I guess since I don’t think of him much but I have his face annoying me whenever I rest my head over a pillow! I just don’t know what to do to stop loving him when I know I don’t love him too. It is too confusing and I can’t really understand my own feelings. Do I hate him ? Do I love him? I just want to not care for him. I refused a promotion which will transfer me to another section because then I will be having a big chance to meet him and I am not ready for that. I am actually afraid of seeing or contacting him. I am scared because this guy broke in to my personal zone which I rarely allow anyone to enter then left me and treated me with hater. I never was abused before and I guess that make this my first. I couldn’t accept the promotion although I took my time to think but then I end up giving my parents a visit to comfort me. I needed a shoulder to cry on and a person to feel safe with. He had his evil face especially when he coldly said: I never had feelings for you. I don’t want to be dramatic or over reacting. I really want to leave everything behind and forget it. I am thinking I should face my fear and get that promotion since my boss didn’t take my no as an answer and asked me to think again. Still, I am really feeling insecured and seeing him again will make me feel all weak.. I need someone to guide me here since i really feel I am standing in the darkness
It’s pretty hard doing the right thing for you when you’re still getting to know yourself again after a terrible break. First I found myself asking “Who have I been?” then “Who was I before?” then “Who do I want to be?” all in the name of answering the question I read on my face in the mirror each day, so much so I almost mouth the words: “Who am I?” I suppose the right thing is what’s good for you, so I look at each day and ask “Is this good for me?” and I’m never quite sure of the answer because I don’t know how it’s going to change me. (and I know I still do some things that aren’t that good for me.) I realize I’m very vulnerable and impressionable right now, but it’s driving me to find that fire in my belly – the momentum of my spirit again. I haven’t yet found it by a longshot, but getting closer is comforting. I’d take the promotion if I wanted it. I’m trying to take all the classes. I’m taking time, taking solace in friends. I’m taking a hell of a lot of pain, too. I’m running into another question though; What am I giving? It’s easier to sleep remembering when I inspired a young lad in his sport, or when I made a positive difference in someone’s day at work, when I can be there for a teammate making great strides in her discipline, or when the most ornery of my two cats curls up next to me because he knows I’m still there to take care of him. I’ve got bigger things to do with this life than hurt over something I can’t do much about, but the day to day things we often forget. I think some of those are the most important to remember – most important to fill your life with those oft unsung little moments of greatness. I hope as I know myself better – that I’ll notice more of those moments before they pass me by. It’s hard not to lash out in pain, but for the waste of energy that could keep me from missing the next great chapter. It’s hard to know who to surround yourself with in preparation for that. Trust is not such a virtue to me nowadays. I can only take solace in any truth which exists in the notion that if everyone wants to be trusted, loved, held, understood by someone – there must still be people in the world willing to go that far, even some who know the pain of losing it all. I know there’s at least one, maybe not a community – but one for now is enough.
Hope that I will be able to get pass my pain very soon
Was I suppossed to finish these steps over time, like one every day? Cuz i went through everything in a few hours.
i am not free, I am stuck at my moms till i move in a week, then I will have my stuff and that will help … I will repeat everything when that happens …. but suffereing for a week sucks ….