The Heart Break Calculator
We have recently reformulated our 10-step healing process leaving the heartbreak calculator as the very last step. The reason? Because this is a calculation of how long it would have taken to feel better if you used time alone to heal your wounds. You’ve crushed your number and to minimize it further, go the extra step by completing the workbook, Step to Heal.
(c) Heartbreak Formula:
Short relationships (3 MONTHS OR LESS)
A. Count the number of weeks that you knew the person before the relationship turned romantic, divide by 2
B. Count the number of weeks that you were romantically involved
C. Add-up A and B
D. Count the average number of days per week you saw him/her during the romance, and divide this number by 2
E. Multiply C and D – that’s how many weeks it will take to begin feeling normal
Example: Lou met Barb. After 4 weeks they started dating. They dated for 8 weeks, seeing each other an average of 4 nights per week. Then Barb left. It will take Lou’s heart about 20 weeks (or just under 5 months) to recover.
Mid-length relationships (1 YEAR OR LESS)
A. Count the number of months that you were romantically involved
B. Count the average number of days per week you saw him/her during the romance, and divide this number by 2
C. Multiply A and B – that’s how many months it will take to begin feeling normal
Example: Dave met Sandra. They had a passionate romance for 8 months, seeing each other about 3 times per week. Then Sandra left. It will take Dave’s heart about 12 months (1 year) to recover.
Long relationships (1 YEAR OR MORE)
A. Estimate how happy you were (day to day) on a scale of 1 to 3
B. Estimate how physically attractive you found your mate on a scale of 1 to 3
C. Add up A and B – and then divide this number by 2– this will give you a number in years
D. Subtract one year from the total
Example: Pete was happily married to Mary (he ranked his happiness a 2 out of 3. He found Mary very attractive, a 3 out of 3. Mary leaves. Pete’s heart will take 1 ½ years to recover.
Recommended: You can crush your calculation and speed up your recovery here
If you somehow started the process out of order, don’t worry, just go right back to Step 1 and take the heart break assessment here.
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I dated this girl for 5yrs. I met her family one time in that 5yrs which really bothered me, so this would be a source of a twice a year blow up on my part. I knew our relationship couldnt go to the next level, it was just kind of there. I told her many times that we had to change this to move forward. In the end she ended up breaking it off saying that she couldnt make me marry her/have kids. This drove me nuts, I told her had I met your family I would have married you 2yrs ago! We were very much in love, and I still love her very much and also think that she still loves me. I dont know what to do without her, she was a huge part of my life in every aspect. Her family is very religious and complicated hence the reason for not meeting them. We speak and I have left small things in her mailbox, sent some texts, and we have spoken both in person and on the phone. Each time I make that initial contact and dont want to just drive her away, but when I ask her do you want me to stop she says no? I really dont know what to do?? I truly miss her, I mean I am up at 3am on some broken heart website writing to strangers for advice!! Do I leave her alone and try to move on (even tough I see her 3-4 times a week and we have all mutual friends) or do I keep trying? Not like she says stop!
ab -
Its hard to give any advice when you don’t really explain very well why you guys are apart. Sounds like you love each other and had some sort of disconect regarding her family/religion? Sounds like she wants to marry you and you would marry her if you met her family two years ago? Makes no sense, what you are saying.
My boyfriend and I were very much in love, he claimed he wanted to get married in two years and have 2 kids together. He insisted that we did not need to use protection because we would be together always. Nothing, no amount of hardships could keep us apart. I had many suspicions he was. cheating on me (I later know he was, but I loved him so much I didn’t really care. I was sad, but I didn’t want to lose him. When i’d ask him about it, he’d get really angry about me not trusting him, so I let it go. I got pregnant, and he dumped me. We were living together and he sent me home pregnant. I made things work and we continued dating (long distance, as we lived in different states) and he was there for the birth. After a year, we got engaged after he finished his MA (I had gotten mine several years earlier). After we sent out invitations to all our friends, and our families were excited and happy for us, he backs out and says he can’t get married to me. He claimed he didn’t want to live with anyone. I love our daughter and would never wish it was any different. I love her much more than I ever loved him, now, I realize. Turns out, the guy was gay. He’s never had one close female friend. He was cheating on me the whole time with his coworker and guy friends, sometimes in a bathroom at a restaurant or at his house when I was in the other room. Sick! I’m married now to a wonderful man. I thank God for answering my prayer so my daughter has a father in her life. We are not passionately in love, but for that I’m glad. It is stable and reassuring, and a family. I could care less what he looks like or that I’m not head over heels crazy off my rocker in love; most importantly, my child has a father andi love her to death. I would do anything in the world to raise her with love and empathy and sound judgement. I will start by having it myself and disciplining my love emotions toward men so that I save all my heart’s true love for her. ONLY her true love and innocence deserves it. Take the ring and money and be a good mother. This is my advice to other women.
All I can say about my situation is I’ve been a fool for almost 22 years. It’s finally gotten to the point that he says he wants to be “friends”. How the hell do you go from marriage then divorce, boyfriend and girlfriend, and then just “friends”? I was over last night and he got a phone call while I was there. He got up and went into the bathroom, he wasn’t saying much because I was right there. Then I heard him say “what’s wrong with you”? but in response to her asking him that first. His voice got low and sweet all of a sudden, you know. Then he went from the bathroom to the other room, I just walked out. When I came back he had the nerve to say it was his neice. Like I stupid. To me, this was the last straw. I just want him out of my life!
All I can say about my situation is I’ve been a fool for almost 22 years. It’s finally gotten to the point that he says he wants to be “friends”. How the hell do you go from marriage then divorce, boyfriend and girlfriend, and then just “friends”? I was over last night and he got a phone call while I was there. He got up and went into the bathroom, he wasn’t saying much because I was right there. Then I heard him say “what’s wrong with you”? but in response to her asking him that first. His voice got low and sweet all of a sudden, you know. Then he went from the bathroom to the other room, I just walked out. When I came back he had the nerve to say it was his neice. Like I’m stupid. To me, this was the last straw. I just want him out of my life!
Its been almost two weeks since I cut off communications with my long distance ex. its weird i have worked more,got into touch with a cousin and do more things socially but i still miss him. I thought I was over him. I spent most of last week with a minor consussion so that helped take up my time ,, good or bad lol. I was so lonely and I missed him so much yesterday i almost started back up comunication. Its still not the same . I dont care what people say it makes it hurt worse i think going out and doing things. I think to myself what i could be doing with him instead but I do try to get out of the house. Or Im so tired when i get off work, I just zone out.
I was so hurt ,,I dont know what end is what. I dont even want to even think of meeting anyone else. i even see my male friends dogging women,,even the church men. its like there is such a wide choice why settle for just one.
i do want people to be aware of STDs, if they partner cheated on them please please get cheacked just cause they said they are clean doesnt mean a damn thing. Also just because you dont notice any symtpoms doesnt mean there isnt any thing. Its better to be checked and you know in your mind you are clean so you dont pass it on. Its better to know believe me
I feel like my life as i know it is over i have lost the love of my life, the father of my children and my partner. I was with my boyfriend for 12 years since i was 17 and i am now 29. We had a daughter together at 18 and raised her together through thick and thin. Almost 11 years later we decided to have another baby and get married. 4 months into my pregnacy he started cheating on me and hiding it. In my 6th month i started finding out there was someone elce he was talking to, but he just told me she was someone he was friends with. By my 7th month he came home after being gone all night and told me he has a new girlfriend infront of our daughter and left. My heart is so broken and my daughters heart is broken and i just dont know how i can make it trough this. I was always there for him and made sure he was always ok when he needed me. He left me 7 months pregnet with our daughter with no way to make the rent and no way of knowing what would happen next, he didnt care it was all about him. I gave this man 12 years of my life and would have done anything in the world for him and this is how he repays me. I dont understand how he could be so heartless to his family that loved and trusted him with everything they had. Its been 4 months i had the baby alone and without her dad there to see her come into this world. The most hurtfull thing of all is that its only been 4 months and he just married the women he left me for, it kills me because she knew i was home pregnet and we had a family together and she didnt care she did everything she could to split are family. It really sucks because i feel like she has won and got the best of me, she has married the love of my life and the man that was my husband. We live in the same town and everywhere i go i have to see them together and he acts like he never even knew me and she gives me a big smile to show her victory. I just want to run away but i cant, i have to stay here and suffer. I ask God everyday why did this happen to me and my girls and to please take this pain out of my heart but i just cant see the day when that will happen. How does someone get over something like this?
katie – that is a heartbreaking story. I’m sorry you are suffering so much anguish. To be abandoned in your third trimester like you were nothing, then to have to see them and her sh*tty a** grin must be terrible. I think the toughest thing for you right now is feeling trapped, having to see them all over town. I’ll just say two things (1), you will need to invent a new life for yourself. You have to focus on the unique things that define you – passions, hobbies, interests -and pursue those things. Redefine yourself. This will take a couple years since so much of who you are has been defined by being with this guy. (2) Karma. This situation will get revisited by Karma someday, Katie. It always works out that way. You take the high road, let him take the low road, and then just sit back a watch what happens over the years. (My prediction? She’ll eventually cheat on him and break his heart).
I moved to another state to live with my boyfriend. We built a life together for the past 5 years. We had been going through a rough patch toward the end of summer and then he was having a tough time at work. I let things be, because I knew the work stresses were temporary. Then one day, just about 3 weeks ago, we had an all day discussion about our lives and what has been going on. I thought that it was good in the sense that we talked and listened, really listened, to what each other had to say. What came out of it was that he thought I was moving on my own path, which I equated to his back and forth about getting married, which he equated to the fact that he was not over what his ex did to him all those years ago. So, there were things I needed to work on, but more deeply rooted things that he needed to address. We continued to talk and he ended up breaking down. I never saw him cry like that. I saw the depth of the pain he was experiencing from his ex & son, work, deaths and the war. He said that he had nothing left to give and I painfully saw that. He felt that he would not be able to really address his issues if I was there, I agreed to an extent. Three days later I left him, my home, my job, my life as I knew it.
I love him and cannot express enough how much I do. Yes there were ups and downs, some normal and some I think that were realted to his issues. None of the tough times were ever enough to want me to end it. We did everything together, shared the same morals, goals, parenting styles and he was my friend. I miss my friend and the life that we had.
We left things on fine terms. We said that we would still talk, but he hasn’t called. I know he has nothing to offer me right now, he is a shell of a person. I have called him twice since I’ve been here and he was short, expressed no emotion or care toward me. Getting to the point….I don’t know where I stand or we stand if anywhere. Things were left so up in the air. He doesn’t know what he is going to want after he goes and gets help. He couldn’t tell me anything, no timeline, nothing. I could call him, but I honestly feel I would get nowhere. His mind is on him, not me or us. What am I suppose to do? I am overwhelmed with everything and do not know how to proceed. Am I fooling myself that it might work out? Am I lacking faith if I think it will not?
My relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years recently came to an end. I moved away from home, to another state and built a life with him. Now, I am back home trying to start over.
We had a rough patch in the summer and then he was having a tough time with work. I let a lot be, because I knew the work stresses were temporary. Then, we had a talk. A good talk where we got so much out and really heard, really listened to what each other was saying. He felt that I was taking my own path, which I equated to his back and forth about marriage, which he equated to what he went through with his ex. He realized that he was not over what she did to him. We continued to talk and then he broke down. I had never saw him cry, let alone to that extent. He said that he had nothing left to give and I painfully saw that. He has a lot he has never dealt with, issues with his ex & son, deaths, work, the war. He felt he would not be able to do it with me there. Three days later I left him, our home, our life.
To say that I miss him is an understatement. I love him so much and feel so empty without him. Yes, we had our ups and downs, but we had so many more good things between us. I love him, so I left in order for him to work on his wounds, go to counseling, do whatever he needed to do. I am having a hard time because things were left so unsettled. He didn’t know what he was going to want at the end of all of this. He did not have a timeline or anything. What am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to get through this? Am I foolish for wanting it all to work out? Am I foolish for not having faith?
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