Type of Relationship: Marriage
Status: Left for an ex
Four weeks ago my husband came home from what was supposed to have been a week away with his daughter and her children. He arrived unexpectedly the night before he was due home and came to the door and said, “M, we need to talk.”
I was really scared as he had a strange look on his face and initially thought that something had happened to his daughter or his grandkids. But he stood near me and when I sat down he said, “M, I’m not happy and do you remember we said that if either of us was not happy then we should tell the other?”
I said something like, “Ok, so what do you want to do about it?”
He then said that he had been on his way back home that evening and had suddenly realized that he just did not want to come home. I just kept staring at him because I was so shocked. He said he was going away for a while and that he didn’t want to hurt me but it was something he needed to do.
To cut a long story short, he has not returned. He has now told me our marriage is over and when I said I still loved him he said that was the problem – he didn’t. This was like a knife in my gut!
I did a bit of digging and found his mobile phone bills. After my detective work, I confronted him with the fact that he has been in almost daily contact (one time even on our anniversary a few weeks ago!) to his ex wife. She had actually broken his heart 13 years ago when he found out she had been having an affair for two years previous to their divorce. Two years later we met, fell in love, and got married.
I have children – now 15, 17 and 23. Of course he came into my family and had to accept them and that was part of the problem as he has now explained. My children are difficult, no doubt about it. He has two children in their 30′s now with kids of their own.
I asked him why he had to go and he said that he doesn’t know exactly, that it’s many things: my kids, not getting enough attention, my health (which has been bad the last couple of years for sure). He said that him not being happy was the main reason he couldn’t stay.
He’s seemed ok in the recent past, maybe a bit quiet. Lately when I asked him if he was ok he would just say, “I’m tired, that’s all.” I told him that the biggest mistake he made was contacting his ex (for whatever reason that started up again!!) and confiding in her. I’m guessing that she offered him a shoulder when he needed to vent, but he should have confided in me if he wasn’t happy. That really hurts.
It has been nearly six weeks now and each day is harder than the last – not easier. I feel him around my head all the time. He is on my mind as I go to sleep and the first thing that comes in my mind when I wake up. During the night I dream about him and wake up crying. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I did say to him that I would never have him back because of the betrayal.
If he had just left me I could have coped with that, but to have been contacting his ex for 6 months – it’s unforgivable!! This is what saddens me the most – the lying, that is. That’s why I grieve the most – I am grieving the loss of a man I used to love. He is gone and that is why I am so full of hurt. At nearly 50, I can’t imagine ever finding anyone that I could love again – he was/is my everything and now I have no self esteem. She is better looking than me, slimmer than me, smarter than me and he loved her before me – how could I have ever competed with her?
Actually, I hate her for luring him back. Just because her man ditched her and went back to his wife she decided to bait my husband back to her. I hate predatory women. He used to say he did too and he used to say that he hated men who did ‘the dirty’ on their women. Now he is one of those men.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t know what to say to you, except I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I am going through a break up myself and I am in pain so I can sympathise with you wholly. I guess it’s a cliche to say time heals. It probably does, but what do you do until then? I cry too, and dream and beat myself to a pulp over it. I don’t know if it’s good or bad…it’s just what I have to do.
Your not alone (another cliche) but your not…and a stranger said a prayer for you today.
WOW! I am very sorry to hear this! My mother was disrespected as you were by my father, & my stepfather! I think i have cried more now, that i am 28 years old than in my entire life. I feel that i have failed my mother by “wanting my father in my life.” I literally hate my father & my stepfather. In a way, that was my stepfather’s excuse, and many more. My mother dedicated her life to my father & stepfather, and they both treated my mother like garbage!
All i can say, ” I am tremendously sorry for you & your children.” I can never imagine the pain you are suffering, but i know the pain that i suffered from watching my father & my stepfather behave toward my mother with such DISRESPECT!!!
I know you must feel so ambushed by his decisions. You know it’s like you since little things here and there but not enough to end your relationship, your marriage over?! I am in a similar situation, I just don’t know for sure if I was left for someone else or not yet. My heart broke even more as I read your story because people say that you are not alone in these situations but it certainly feels that way! But then to know for a fact that someone else’s heart has been broken in a similar manner, my heart broke even more. We obviously live in a time now where love is taken for granted so much. I hope you find true love again. It’s NEVER too late
Well, we can’t control life. In love, there is risk and chance involved and we don’t know the outcome. We can only do our best in the progress to make the best outcome possible. The two involved in it will have to play their part. If one won’t do their best, the outcome won’t be the one as what the other has imagined.
I know how hurt you are, I was there. The truth is that your ex husband still have baggage while courting you into marriage. I don’t think that she is a predatory woman. I understand how mad you are at her and at him, but really think about this:
Let say that this woman told your husband not to contact her ever again. In this situation, your husband might back off but that doesn’t mean that he forgets about her. He will find ways to get her back ( I am judging from your story that this might happen ) without you knowing of course, but you can’t hide the bottom line that his feelings for her is still STRONG. It’s totally not about competition with that woman. She’s prettier etc okay fine, but that’s not the reason your ex not with you. He’s with her because of his feelings and those baggage stuff he’s carrying all this time he was with you.
You just to accept the fact that he’s gone. He choose this path, so you should close door upon him forever!! Your ex can’t give you reasons because really there is nothing wrong with the relationship at all, nothing wrong with you etc. It’ s just all based on how he feels and it’s not fair for you if he stays with you because he’ll pretend anyway to love you etc. while in fact he’s not. So, consider yourself lucky. You don’t want that kind of love from this man right? or any kind of man to say… You want someone who can be true to you right???
Being 50 is a blessing, you can also improve yourself and most importantly learn to love yourself. You have children to take care of, you can start doing things you haven’t done in a long time or get together with the girls etc… lots of things to do in life!! Forgive yourself, forgive her and forgive your ex… be more thankful each day that you are alive. Remember, you were in love with the person you thought he was not with the person he is now. You are a STRONG woman, find that strength back again woman!!
I’ll support you!! I am going through a recent breakup myself 
Its a very sad situation u facing. I hope u get well now.
My ex idiot bf also left me for any excuse he could find.
Well, u are 50, so what?! His ex is pretty, but to be exact, ur husband still hates her deep inside for her betrayal.
He just don’t realise it now, cuz he’s act like a dog now. Thinking that he still having u.
For my opinion, get over him (or act like u already did when u guys meet up).
He will feel sorry to ever left someone who has a beautfiul heart like u,
To left u only for another beast hearted woman.
I know EXACTLY what you are going through. My live-in boyfriend of 3 yrs left me for his ex. A woman who had sued for divorce on the grounds that he had raped and beat her. She went after his pension and medical benefits. She treated him bad to when they were together. Talked to himk any kind of way (in front of his family, too).
He ran into her and wanted to let bygones be bygones. Next thing I knew he was sleeping with her. He stopped seeing her after we went to a therapist but was back with again within 4 months. He got worse. He would leave me sitting in the house to go see her (she lives 2 blocks from me). He finally told me (right after Labor Day) that he was leaving me to remarry her. I can’t believe that I allowed him to disrespect me by running back and forth between her place and mind. She really played him like a fiddle. I couldn’t believe how well she manipulated him. I think I should call her up and tell her she should get an Oscar, a Grammy, a Golden Globe and any other acting award thats out there. He won’t even go to family gatherings because he can’t take her with him. His family CAN’T STAND her.
But that is all besides the point. I feel like he just tossed me aside like so much day all trash. I also feel sooo much anger, at me as well as him. Do I really want someone like this person in my life again? I know he is a good man, but he IS NOT a kind person!!
my heart breaks for you..i feel the same way, like my world has been torn to shreads and shattered…i can barely breath without a sob or a tear, i feel the pain will never end..we were betrayed…our lives ripped apart and taken from us..now as painful as it is all we can do is exist in this pain from day to day..i had a strong faith is God b4, i am 42, i dont have an ounce of faith 2 believe He has someone for me, my friends tell me to b strong and believe…my dear friend i believe for you!!!! I know my faith is strong enough to know God will bring you your hearts desire, a man who will love you so purely and deeply and only have eyes for you…we both obviously have horrible taste in men, but i am praying for you my sweet friend, for the pain to ease up a little more every day, a stray smile or laugh to cross ur lips in a fleeting moment, it will happen a little here and there, but it will happen more often as time will pass…and in His perfect timing God will bring him to you…you do have this to look forward too..its a promise…
I am so sorry. Please comfort yourself in knowing that there are many older women, myself included, who are in the same position. My man left to visit his home, didn’t call for two weeks, and finally sent me the cruelest text in the world, telling me that he was in love with his ex girlfriend and she had become his first priority.
Isn’t it funny how quickly they change on you? I thought I knew him inside out. Even worse, we work together, so I have to see him every day.
I feel your pain, and I send you well wishes. Remember you are not alone! Much love.
Wow reading your story made me think wow this happens all over and to all kinds of women. Well I was the one left for someone else I was his for 6 years and who he has chosen isn’t someone his family approves of or want but that doesn’t matter. I guess we don’t know these men who shared our lives and lived in our hearts. I still feel the loss of what he did and what I lost of myself during our time together. I at least feel more hope after reading the out poor of support sometimes a few kind words from a stranger can give you that little push to get you through the day. I feel for you and yours I like you am a mom with two kids who are great and have been the ones to show unconditional love and loyalty they are my greatest achievements.
Hi dear. I can feel the pain u r goin through.. My bf also dumped me for his family n now has got engaged officially to another girl.. Its hard really but u know..we are the NICE people..the ones who leave us are the ones who will pay for it one day.. The nicer people like us..get pain..true..but this is only for sometime…a bad phase..which fades away with time. And the people who leave us..( for an invalid reason ofcourse ) suffer really bad later in their life. I have seen examples really!! …God is watching all of us.Ours a temporary phase but theirs..will be a long lasting one.. have faith.
You are so lucky to have your kids and grandchildren..spend time with them..join some courses or teach kids..you wil feel really nice..you will feel like you have another aim in life..i don know if u believe in YOGA..but it does help a lot..especially at this stage. Mental yoga..try it..meditate. Things will be really beautiful with time and one day you will be glad that you moved on
Good luck!
Jesse
It’s me. The one that being dumped by ex for (any excuse)
Guess what, he left me for an ex(nice girl too), and left this nice ex(pregnant that time) for previous ex(bitch and crazy girl, which I know scratched his face + body)
I just knew the whole scene rcently! Wow!!
When I found out this, I feel so happy.
I know he is in the “good hand”. For sure they fight everyday, cuz she knows that once he left her for me.
Additional to this, I sent email to say:
Stop jealous of me cuz I already hv bf.
But if u still jealous of me, I wanna start over again with him.
We had a very special relationship that noone else can ever replace.
Haha. I think its pissed her off, and stop bugging me with showing me their photos from website (and added me as her friends)
I know one day, he will cry me a river!
But for now, they’re both so match together.
One is a jerk, another is a bitch.
Perfect.
Hi Ladies
I broke up with my ex 55 YO surgeon last summer and guess what??
He went back to his ex wife who he divorced several years ago!!
its called triangulating- when u use two people and always have one on reserve in case the other one dumps you.
Its miserable but it happens, life happens and somehow someway we have to gain the courage to move on
Today is beautiful so Im gonna go get dressed, showered and go run my dog in the park
sure beats sitting home on the computer feeling all sorry for myself