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Tashy

I'm very sorry for what you are going through.  It's a mystery isn't it?  When we love so deeply and then the other person gets over it so quickly and you're left holding all the pain? 

Four years is a long time.  You shouldn't be over it by now.  That's normal.  They were your whole life and now you feel like half of you is missing.  At least half of you. 

I was pretty low after my last breakup.  It just took me saying to myself one day that I wasn't going to let her control my life anymore.  I deleted her from my friends on facebook, stopped trying to contact her, I let her go.  I think its a matter of saying “I'm breaking up with YOU” to that person, even though it's long over.  But you need to break up with him in your mind and what better reason is there than what he has done to you?

If you gave him everything you had, then there's no reason you won't meet a great guy that will appreciate everything you have to give.

Thanks Tashy for your warm words. Believe me, there are times (as I am quite sure most can relate) when the quietness of night and the early morning hours conjure up flashbacks of times best remembered. I also believe that at times we do NOT treat ourselves with much love in the aftermath of a break (especially when we are dumped) because most of our fixations are on what we could have done to prevent it and banging our heads against a wall asking “why?” I have a close friend who told me something that has really helped Tashy. She said that each time you get her/him returning to you and you become melancholy or depressed over all the 'missings'…try to immediately envision a HUGE red stop sign and say in your mind..”NO!” For me at times it has broken my chain of thoughts from something negative and depressing to a shift of gears and a swing to something I love…writing..boating…the beach…anything but the one who broke your heart. Try it out. Again thanks for your words Tashy…you sound very hurt, but equally sweet and kind. Robert

Tashy…

     We both share a few common threads. My ex broke up with me in September as well, two months shy of us being together for four years. I just joined this site today because quite frankly, I have been stuck in the same ways as what you discussed in your posts. It's funny but I work in the behavioral field and treated our breakup like a situation I had dealt with professionally. When I read your comments I was stunned because I shared many of the same emotions.

     I write a great deal on the side and have penned many thoughts since September. As I was reading a lot of the posts in the many different forums, I realized that so many others feel the same deep anguish and pains that quite honestly, I have not felt since my parent's deaths when I was younger. I am sure that most here can relate to the fact that each smell, especially a scent that reminds you of her/him, tosses you back to a place in time when there was no heartache. 'D' and I used to take rides and listen to music we loved together…discs I had made for her, and now that samee music almost makes me pysically ill. Our kiss was absolutely perfect, and we had an 'instant' connection and so many times over the past few months, I wonder how all of what we shared could be cast aside…as if it never happened?

    So like many of you, I made many early mistakes and sent cards in the mail, notes via email, text messages (we shared so many during the day..night), left voicers..ALL! Yeah…that is what we all do at first hoping..praying that she/he will come to their good senses and return to us with arms open wide. When our hearts are not gratified by a return call, note…or a simple hello, we are crushed and knocked back again and like the title of this forum…we are rammed back into REVERSE!

     It IS true that love isn’t what hurts. It’s losing love that’s excruciating.  I wrote a note to 'D' a short while back with the following two passages at the top…

“They say that time heals all wounds but all it's done so far is give me more time to think about how much I miss you.”  ~Elizabeth Wilder~

“If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.”  ~Attributed to Claudia Ghandi~

     It seemed so fitting because I am NOT a believer that time heals all wounds.  I then wrote these brief words to 'D' right after that… “These two expressions above say it all from my perspective.  I really wish I could say that the passage of time has healed my heart but I cannot.  All that strikes me is how much I ‘miss’ everything that was ever simple and easy about you and us for that matter.  I am not even speaking of intimacies or anything like that. I just always felt I ‘got you’ and never thought we would actually be where we are…that pieces could be put back together.  I know that you cannot possibly fathom what I feel because you were the one who ended the relationship, and your emotions were clearly not the same as mine.  Each day feels the same for me D'Mia, and there are specific times every single day…between 5:00 and 6:00 a.m…..3:00 p.m……and between 8:00 and 8:30 p.m. when I sense the time on the clock, and see…feel you at home in the morning…on your way home from work, and before you sleep. I honestly feel pathetic, weak, and lame telling you this but the truth is the truth.  This is far from obsession and a failure to ‘just let it go’.  They are just raw human emotions.  Without question, these are the deepest, most heartfelt feelings I have ever possessed for anyone or anything spanning a lifetime. Here I am still caring for and missing you, while painfully accepting the fact that you were clearly content and feeling relief since you walked away? That is my pained sense of reality. I have been thinking…even recently writing about how some people come into our lives sometimes, yet they have no real, discernible impact in our world.  With you D’Mia, I have struggles too, yet they come from the footprints within my heart and soul from time shared with YOU.  I have honestly never felt whole again outside of your presence.  I feel I am moving each day at a snail’s pace because accepting that I ‘lost you’ feels so very cold and foreign.  I believe you underestimated me when I said over and over I would “do anything” to regain your trust and find a common path for us.  That “anything” was all-inclusive and sincere.  The statement above about “time and the healing of all wounds” has always grated my ass for a lifetime.  I believe you heal out of a sense of acquiescence that you must do what you must do to simply feel better and all the while, accepting the fact that the premise is not graceful.  That type of prose to me is stale and lacks human compassion.  I hate how my self esteem has crumbled and that I feel as another failed man and relationship from your past…hate it! I pray each day that someday I can be part of your life again. That prayer is recited each morning…each night.”

     I hope that my words were not too long Tashy, or for anyone else reading this but I felt it may be helpful in OUR acceptance of the fact that when someone walks away…'dumps' us I suppose, we do NOT have to lay down and be mired by the fact that we have lost our will…our strength…our attractiveness or our sense of purpose. We ALL have power within our bodies and souls to breathe in that which makes us content and happy. Forget the “time heals all wounds” B.S. Sure it does, but we can all expedite its exit..right? Tashy and all who are allies here…our healing does come from within but forget the past and embrace the premise that when one door closes, another WILL open before you. Time to move on and give our ex's what they gave us…a reason for a fresh start and to evaluate our lives in a way that makes us stronger. Be good to yourself, rise up and sometime soon we will all be gifted by another who is truly deserving of every ounce of love we have to offer. I do hope this has not been too wordy…best of luck Tashy and all…God bless! Robert