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I am a newbie and need to get out at least part of my story here

I was involved with a man for 10 years who was a surgeon but also had some severe mental illness issues

I met him 10 years ago when I was in my mid 40s, separating from my ex husband and was pretty lonely. He was the doctor

who cared for and saved my father's life. We both fell hard and strong. He was married, I was on my way out of the marriage.

It was unlike any other relationship I have ever had. We fast became friends, then lovers. At first he refused to leave his wife. He had had other extramarital relationships before but nothing that lasted this long or this strong. He told me he has suffered from depression but nothing more. He also self prescribed prozac- hi dose

five years in he finally left his wife. He also decided to stop taking his Prozac- thats when the rollercoaster ride started. He was always a smoker but this increased to several packs a day. He also began to drink as well as take Valium. Denying the truth I decided it was SSRI discontinuation syndrome. It wasnt. He was becomming manic. A few months later I sent him to a psychopharmacologist I knew who prescribed wellbutrin. This only made him more manic. Then he added Lamictal which helped a little bit but his Mania continued

By Spring of 08 he was on Wellbutrin, Lamictal and occassional Valium. He was also drinking and smoking. He then self prescribed Chantix and became acutely crazed, going on line and having an affair. I sent him to another psych who added Prozac and diagnosed him as Borderline PD. Shortly thereafter he decided he a) wanted to join the air force to fly jets, b) got into BDSM and c) was trying to pick up more women. Another shrink- another dx- rapidly cycling Bipolar. 
By last June he was self prescribing what he called high dose Wellbutrin as well as taking Prozac, Lamictal etc..

He was operating while he was drinking. In the midst of this he was obviously unable to sustain any commitment. I got fed up and contacted the State Med Society who did an intervention. He was sent to rehab for a few weeks but got out. He said I was “dead to him”, that he never will ever speak to me again.
My heart breaks. I miss him like crazy. I miss the man he once was. I miss my best friend

Even tho I was the one who ended it, I have since tried to email him several times to which he wont respond. His birthday is next week on Feb 19th and I want to send him a card , then I will try no contact

My heart has been crushed in a million little pieces. Were he dead it might be easier. This is worse.

Im trying to move on but its brutal and everywhere I turn there remain memories of him/us when he was once good

Im 54 and this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me

I know some day Ill hear he either is dead or in some institution and my heart is forever broken

He used to joke that he fixed broken hearts (he was a heart surgeon) but mine is broken forever

sosadone