Forum

	Current User: Guest	Login Register
	Please consider registering

Forum

Open Conversation

can someone please explain to me what the hell happened?

can someone please explain to me what the hell happened?

Print this Post

Page: 1 2 3 4 5	Add a New Topic Reply to Post

User

Post

2:00 pm
December 29, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Heartbroken,

I completely understand why you don't feel sorry for your ex. Physical abuse is absolutely uncalled for, undeserved, and unforgivable. Emotional abuse, sometimes it can be more difficult make those claims, at least for me. I sit here and go around and around and around in my head with everything. And sometimes, I come to the conclusion that he is a dirty bastard and I didn't deserve to be treated that way. Other times I come to the conclusion that I provoked it. Other times, I come to the conclusion that if I would have just done this instead of that then I wouldn't be in this situation right now. For example, I think of the night he proposed, when he was begging to come over to my hotel room. I think to myself what if I would have just said yes, and let him come over, but instead of letting him propose, what if I would of just sat and talked with him and told him exactly how I felt. That I didn't want to be engaged or get married at the moment. That I just wanted to be in the same city as him. That I just wanted to have a less stressful year and let our relationship grow. That I just wanted him to seek the help that he needs and take his time. That there was no rush. I just sit and think, what if? If I had responded that way instead of the way that I did then maybe this whole situation would have turned out differently. Maybe we would still be together, enjoying one another, and growing in love, with no pressure, no demands, just each other. When I think about this, I just cry and cry. I just feel that I completely messed it up with the love of my life. That yes, he did some pretty horrible things, but maybe I perpetuated the situation. Maybe I had the keys to change the outcome and I never used them. And I want to do is go back and relive those situations and try and respond differently in the hopes that maybe the outcome would have be different. It hurts so much. I just don't want to wake up in the morning anymore. I miss him so much. It's killing me. It's just getting worse. Not better. Just worse. I feel like all the books I am reading would have been so useful months ago. I feel that reading them now is so pointless. Yes, they provide a little more insight into the situation. But the more insight I glean, the more I feel as if I could have done something to change the outcome. It a horrible feeling. To know that you lost the most important thing you have ever had, because you responded wrongly. I don't know what to do. I just want to forget. I can't live with this grief, this pain, this regret. I miss him so much but he has cut me out of his life….forever. He wants nothing to do with me. Nothing. I just don't understand how he could be so cruel. I just don't understand how he could change like night and day. I feel as if I had him and then just like that he slipped through my fingers and was swept away because I was careless. Because I didn't bend when I should have, because I didn't pause when I should have, because I held back. And now this is the price I have to pay. It hurts so much right now. I wish he had done something to me that was completely inexcusable- anything. Then I could at least point to that situation and say- ha, see, no matter what I did or didn't do, I didn't deserve that, he is a bad man. But there is nothing that he did that I can't say maybe if I had done this then he wouldn't have done that is this would have been the outcome instead. It hurts so bad right now. I just want to go away, or I want the memory of him to go away, but I don't know how to accomplish either. I am just hurting so much right now. I have so much regret so much grief and I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. I am forever LOST.

Hope you are having a better day. I know I just rambled on and on about myself, but it just hurts really bad today.

Thanks for listening.

-Lost

2:00 am
December 29, 2009

heartbroken1

Active Healing Member

posts 44

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

PS; i meant to say that i NEVER abandoned my ex while i was with him – and he could never ever say i didnt love him – i told him that always even when fighting. that his actions hurt me cos i loved him. He knew i wouldnt abandon him and that i loved him – he told me that when he also said “he never felt love like i had given him before” and that i was “amazing”. So he knew it. And i dont feel sorry for my ex – we all have things in our life that we need to deal with as adults. We all get angry at things – but most of us dont punch and strangle our partners – that is the part that i dont feel sorry for my ex about. He has always had anger issues – he told me that once whenhe was in his 20's he got into a road rage incident and he punched someones window in and had to go to court and get anger management – so if he was violent and aggressive to me at 37-39yrs old! then im GLAD i didnt know him when he was younger and even more volatile! i bet anything that i am not the first woman he has hit. It was simply to natural to him to lash out. Most people if they feel that kind of anger would walk out and calm down – not commit violent acts – on a woman – and hidden from society where they know it would be seen as to be vile

So yea doll, as i said in anotehr post days ago – my anger comes in waves – i cant feel sorry for my ex. Ive had a pretty tough life too! but i dont have criminal convictions, violence or anger problems etc. That is a CHOICE as far as im concerned – he was a very intelligent guy – thats what attracted me to him. But violence is not intelligent. Calming down, reviewing and reflecting on situations is intelligent……….. so whilst i absolutely think my ex has this personality disorder – i cant feel sorry for him for the things he did. Everyone – knows right from wrong. He wasnt dumb, he was smart – so he knew what he did was wrong……. he just wouldnt accept responsibility for it!

just thought id add that as i read your post – but i appreciate you feeling sorry for your ex – i did for a little while – but i dont for mine now – he knew what he did was wrong. I just feel sorry for myself and wished i had pressed charges and put hm thru court – at least somewhere, somehow he wouldhave had to taken responsibility for it

1:44 am
December 29, 2009

heartbroken1

Active Healing Member

posts 44

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hey Lost

Jeepers, what would we do without this place? or our posts? this place is the only place right now i feel sane – not crazy for hurting so much!

I read your post twice – doll – dont feel bad, i totally appreciate that we can be honest here. I completely understand your need for contact. I understand it cos i want to do it so very very bad – i have to physically stop myself. But i check all the time – email, cellphone, homephone. God, i even rung my cellphone from my homephone in case it didnt work! i even tried to convince myself – he MUST of text me on xmas day BUT maybe the network was overloaded and it didnt get thru? i want contact so very bad its not funny – but whilst you and i share the exact same pain of loss and grief and sadness – my story is slightly different in that this man was violent to me, and on more than one occassion. So i know i simply cannot have that in my life. One day i do want children and a family and that whole life – and this is NOT the man. I had a very violent stepfather and lived in extreme fear for the years he was in my life – i would never do that to my own children. And whilst i love my ex still so much and im hurting so very much – i know this HAS to be the end. That i do not believe – for the fact he was never sorry, never took responsibility for what he did and could turn everything to be my fault for his violence and aggression – that he is not the man i can walk the path into the future i want. thats the only reason i appear strong. But in my heart and head – i beg and pray – that he will tell me he has changed and made a mistake. Dont get me wrong – i want that right now more than anything in my life. Id give anything forit – but its not going to happen. And thats the part i get stuck on. I wish love was a tap – and we could turn it off. But i cant. I stood by him – i thought he was “that” man for me. But he isnt. And in the end, despite this pain – i am better off alone than to live with violence, aggression, deceit, cheating, his sexual history that i could not get over……… i know this in my head, but my god! my heart misses him so very much

Im pleased to hear you went to see your counsellor – im sure if you get more time with them you will start to get some clarity – so far ive only had two sessions – next one on 22 jan – and already in those two sessions – i got alot out of it

I think it was probably easier tfor my counsellor to diagnose my ex due to his sexual history (group sex and sex with couples), his violence to me and his aggressive anger where he would make it all to be my fault, throw things and smash them, punch walls etc. And for him to try and justify his behaviours over and over. All the lies, the deceit (i wrote it on my original thread “emtpy” here). He has done so much wrong – and my list was over 3pages long! with so much more stuff than i wrote on my original thread – all the little stuff – perving at women in front of me, talkign about “hot” women to his friends in front of me, flirting with other women in front of me, texting women from his work (not telling me they were friends), meeting his ex even tho she was just newly married (and her husband didnt like it either), emailing another woman to take a whole day off work so they could spend it together, hanging out with his friend who did nothing but watch porn and order in asian women to come to his home and get him off – justifying his cheating and his sexual history. All the little things like the temper tantrums – even when on holidays he had no care if we were out somewhere or in a hotel – if he got mad he just would throw an aggressive temper tantrum, punch things and then walk out – i remember him walking out on me in a rage in another city we were holidaying in becuase i didnt want to get dressed in front of him (i had no idea where he was the whole day as he wouldnt answer his phone, i didnt know if i should book my flight home or wait – it was horible) – i felt so self conscious because of his constant lookign at other women and talking about them – it made me feel yuk about myself. he never got that – not once. I always ended up apologising or trying to make it better. i've never been a girly girl – i dont wear make up every day as i dont need to as i have good skin and hair, im not bad looking at all, good genes! have dutch heritage so have height and the blond blue eye look. I worked in jobs – management roles but on construction sites or buildings so i could wear jeans and i have always loved that about my work – that i dont need to dress up and im taken for my SKILLS not how i look – he liked the look of women in high heels and boots and lingerie – it was never “me” and he knew that – but he would make me feel bad because it made me feel uncomfortable him expecting me to do that kind of thing.

He has destroyed my self confidence. I feel very bad about myself – like if i did those things would he have stayed or not been that way? but as my counsellor said – i was REAL. and i am REAL. What you see is what you get. I dont go to church and have my own opinions of religion – however i do treat people the way i want to be treated. I dont lie, i dont cheat, i dont deceive, i dont steal, i dont gossip. I may sound boring – but im ok with how my life was before i met him. My friends and i like having dinner together, playing cards or a board game. Soemtimes we drink, sometimes we go out. But most of my friends are in relationships now with children – and our friendship is so important to me and it works. But even at 39yrs old – my ex obviously didnt want to settle down. He pretended he did – but he didnt. And i think about that too. He had only 2 friends his own age – and both of them were computer nerdy type people, watching porn non stop – that stuff has got to just surely rot your brain and destroy the image of a “natural” woman – normal everyday women do NOT look and behave that way. he tried to make out it was ME with a problem – i dont necessarily have a problem with porn – but i discovered some really filthy stuff on my ex's computer – of young girls (not children but like 18yr olds – he could of been their father), gang bang type stuff, eeven animal stuff. It made me want to vomit when i found it, seriously. and then i found out he had been masturbating to it – and he makes out like im not normal?

so yea, thats why i can find the strength to NOT contact – as much as i want to. and miss him - he distorted my reality of what was right and wrong – i knew in my heart whether he or anyone else agreed – what i FELT to be right and wrong, what my personal boundaries were - but he made me out to be the one with a problem – it was never ever him. And its f**ked me up (sorry for the language) but seriously – i feel like i wasnt good enough – when in fact i was so much better than him. I feel like i wasnt pretty enough or didnt dress up in lingerie etc and so its my fault, i feel inferior, unloved and unloveable, lonely and really down about myself, my appearance and even what i have to offer this world of ours - i am sad and angry at myself – for allowing that in my home and my life and not waliking away so much sooner. For letting it ruin my life this much and for letting this person with such a toxic way of life to fool me into thinking he was my “one”. If im honest with myself i knew it was wrong probably about 6months into it – ive said it before – i would confront him – and in the beggining he was all “baby, i love you,i want a life with you” so i thought it was me! it was his idea we live together – and i thoguht “cool! he must love me to want to live with me” and he even would throw that in my face when i found texts or emails or even his dating profile – he would say “if having a hire purchase and joint accounts and living here and coming home every night doesnt show you that im committed then i dont know what will – you are crazy!” and i THOUGHT I WAS!!!!!! I knwo this is NOT what i want for my future – and without him acknowledging it was wrong, he was wrong, he has a sickness – well we didnt stand a chance. And it drove me crazy – and i mean that seriously – like really nuts. I was on edge constantly, i turned into someone so anxious, suspicious and untrusting – i was never sure if i was being todl the truth – and if i asked any qeustions at all – he would tell me i was psycho and like a jailer and he was in a prison – this is a guy who went out like 4nights a week – so he must of wanted to go out 7nights a week! even if i did say i didnt like it – he would cause a fight so he could walk out and go do what he wanted anyways. And probably why it was easier for my counsellor to peg him for a somantic narcissist……… which as ive said before – is him to a tee. Including the aggression and violence

So maybe doll – you dodged this bullet? maybe you were a lucky one. Maybe you saved yourself so much further heartache by not moving in with your ex? and who knows – he could of turned out to be like this…….. think of it that way? I loved my ex so very much and stood by some of these vile behaviours, and in return i got punched in the head and strangled. Who the f**k does that to anyone? and the thing with violence is kinda funny if you think about it – he wouldnt DARE do that to his dad, or his workmates or his friends – what a tough guy huh? and thats another reason i simply CANNOT contact him – my family and friends now know of the violence and issues – and they would physicaly restrain me – i mean tie me to a chair if they thought i would get back with him they are so angry at what he has done and disgusted also – my fathr is very tall at 6ft7inches, both of my brothers are 6ft6inches. All of them, friends also – want to go around and show my ex what its like to be on the receiving end of a bully. My youngest brother got so upset when he heard what had happened that he cried – and he got very angry and wanted to leave and go find my ex right there on the spot and we had to calm him down. And that made me realise that HEY! he really really really f**ked up there! and maybe he should be paid a visit – but im not a vengeful person (dont get me wrong, i have vengeful thoughts! but i wouldnt act on them………….) and i wouldnt want my family or friends getting in trouble over my ex.

so yea, two sessions with a counsellor, talking to friends and family about whats happened and what i went thru (cos i never told them at the time and protected my ex thinking stupidly things would get better……..) has made me realise this relationship can never be – not in this form, and the only one who could ever change it is him – and he never ever will. So i have to let it go. And thats the bit im stuck on……….. there is a nz song here called “come to nothing” and it exactly nails both mine and your situations – ive put the lyrics in the bottom of this - its a good song and so very much sums up my life right now - this is a long post but ive had a bad day today – crying and sleeping. Ive done all the housework and yards, didnt feel like visiting anyone or going out – so i feel like ive had a long day! of just crying, thinking, sleeping, crying – round adn round……. and always wishing for that text or call from him – sad aye?

anyways Lost. Dont be ashamed or afraid to be honest here, its all we have……. and hopefully working thru our thoughts and feelings on here, with each other and being able to release our honest thoughts and feelings that we cant share in our real lifes – might be able tohelp us to move thru this.

Here is a link to the song and the lyrics. I know its probably abit morose right now with what we are going thru – but its kinda an anthem to me at the moment……….

Thinking of you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v…..4a5NQrhBME

Leave the tv on to fill the empty air
Loneliness sinks in, like ink into my skin
Should have seen it all
The climb before the fall
I held to what we shared
But now it's disappeared

By now, I guess you don't need me anymore
By now, I guess you don't need me anymore
Alright, you know you don't fool me anymore
Tonight you're burning another fire

Now we've run, out of time, out of luck, out of everything
Now you're gone, gone to find what you need, what I don't provide
If it comes down between win or lose
And if it boils down, you know I'd have to choose

By now, I guess you don't need me anymore
By now, I guess you don't need me anymore
Alright, you know you don't fool me anymore
Tonight you're burning another fire

My life, has come to nothing
My dreams, have come to nothing
Our love, has come to nothing
Come to nothing, has come to nothing
Its come to nothing [x3]

By now, I guess you don't need me anymore
I guess you don't need me

7:10 pm
December 28, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Heartbroken,

Read your last post and it makes my heart break. It's like you and I are in exactly the same place. I feel the same as you- empty, alone, hurting. And you're right. People don't understand. It's easy for them to see the bad in the person. They never new the illusion that you and I came to know and love. It hurts.

I thought about making a list and up to this point I haven't done it. I just don't want to. It will make me cry, but I cry all the time so I don't know why I don't. You are much stronger than me. Since December 5th (last time we spoke) I have called him, text him, and emailed him. I know, I suck. I called him to get his address because I had somethings of his I needed to return. Of course he didn't answer. Mind you, this is the man who said he would pay me back all that he owes me for my financial loss- ya right! Anyways, in the event of trying to locate his zip code online is how I came across his dating profile. When I saw it, I was so mad! I called him and left him a voicemail (because of course he didn't answer). I told him that I saw his profile, that it was nice to see how easily I was replaced, that yes he did use me and play me as far as I am concerned and his profile (how easily he moves on) proves it. A couple of days later…I think around my b-day, I text him just asking him to give me some time so we could talk. That I just had some questions about his final email, and everything. That I just needed closure…that I didn't want to argue or fight or beg. I just wanted to be able to move on and to please grant me this opportunity. He didn't even acknowledge my text. After two days, I text him again asking him why he was treating me with such animosity and disregard. He didn't reply. Then I text that it didn't matter. That I forgive him. That I refused to be bitter about this. I think a day later, after I started reading all this narcissist material, I felt bad for him. Understanding the narcissist makes you feel bad for how it is for them on the inside. So I sent him an email just telling him that if I made him feel as if I was abandoning him or didn't love him that last week of our relationship that I was sorry. That even though he has wronged me multiple times and deeply, that if I wronged him it was still my responsibility to apologize. That even knowing this new him, (the real him), that I still love him unconditionally. That I wasn't pursuing him, I just wanted him to know that he was loved (because most narcissist feel unloved, abandoned, etc…). Anyways, I don't know if that was wise or not, but I just thought that if all his problems were due to the fact that internally he felt unloved then I just wanted him to know that there is someone out there who loves him no matter what. Doesn't mean I will ever let him hurt me again…but I think that is a none issue at this point as I will never hear from him again. I think the email was more for my benefit than his. Now I know that i have done everything I can to help him. My hands are clean. So see, Heartbroken, you are so much stronger than I am. You will get through this. I wish I was more like you.

I'm so sorry to hear about the previous loss of your sister. My heart sincerely goes out to you. My sister lost her finance in 1999. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to stomach. He was amazing, like a brother to me. It killed all of us when he passed away suddenly. What I am going thru now reminds me so much of that time…so I can relate. For me though, this is worse because now it's like MY finance has died and not because accidents happen but because he CHOOSES to be dead to me. It's so painful. I'm sorry that you are re-living your old grief on top of everything else. But you are right, the only thing that dulls this pain, that makes it bearable is time. So like you, I am just waiting. Wanting time to hurry, but knowing that it can't be rushed. That I will have to live every minute of every day, and not a second less. I wish I could just fast forward. That I could fast forward to the end of the year.

I haven't taken any vows of celibacy. I am pretty sure that I won't be meeting ANYONE in the near future that I would want to be with anyway. I have the opposite fear- that I will never meet anyone who will ever surpass the illusion that I fell in love with. And I refuse to settle. I would rather be alone than be coupled with a man that I have convinced myself to love. After having been with a man that I didn't have to convince myself to love, I know that it would be ten times worse if I went back to convincing myself that I could love a man that I don't really love. I just feel pretty hopeless right now about finding love again.

I met with the counselor today. She didn't really get to say much as I had a lot to say and time was short. I go back on the 11th. She thought that the way he emotionally attaches is different from how I emotionally attach. That he behaves the way that he does (ie. casting someone/something aside if it gets to complicated) because that's how his parents handle things. She didn't think he has the narcissistic personality disorder, but he may have tendencies. She doesn't think he planned this whole thing. She thinks that he doesn't know what he wants and he makes his decisions based on feelings and since his feelings are always changing then he is always changing. I agree with her for the most part. At the same time I do sincerely and honestly believe that he manipulate and used me for his own benefit and then disregarded me without any remorse and this is narcissistic behavior. But she also doesn't have all the details. We ran out of time. So, we'll see where it goes.

I just want to let go already. I'm so stupid. I keep checking the dating website his profile is on. He was on there again last night. Probably securing a date for the new year or maybe he has already found someone new. I know I should stop, but seeing that he is online is like my only connection with him at the moment. If I don't visit than it's like he is not even alive. I am sick. I know. I need serious help. I really wish I had NEVER EVER met him. I rue the day I met him (which, apparently he is okay with me feeling this way. He said in his email to me that I may feel this way toward him and if so than so be it. What an Ass).

I really hate this. I hate being here in this moment. I hate that he is okay, and completely moved on. I hate how he convinced me to love him and now has simply cast me aside like I mean nothing and have meant nothing to him. I hate sitting here thinking about him, loving him, hurting over him, missing him…but I don't know how to stop. And so I just remain LOST.

Hope you have a better day today.

Always,

Lost

11:45 pm
December 27, 2009

heartbroken1

Active Healing Member

posts 44

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi ladies

and welcome Liz

At the moment, coming on here and reading updates – seeing that othrs are at the exact same place as me – provides some small comfort – that im not going crazy and that someone somewhere gets what im going thru – cos the real life people in my life – just seem to shrug it off

Ive spent the day alone today, mowed the lawns and did some weeding and then had a nap. Its been kinda ok – but i just feel my ex's presence everywhere. I check my cellphone and email all the time – hoping for some kind of contact from him. I want so bad for him to tell me he is sorry and he knows all he has done wrong, that he will change because im the woman for him – but thats never going to happen. And thats the bit im stuck on. I see things all around the house that remind me of him, even just notes on the fridge with his handwriting make me cry………. i feel so “stuck”. Empty and like everything has drained out of my life

Lost – i cried reading your post on the things you read in the narcissitic book. I didnt think my ex was either til my counsellor raised it, and i looked online and WHAM! it was him to an exact word………… even HOW it would have happened to him – i can see it in my mind just from his parents relationship and the stories he told me. I know its hard to come to grips with – and i have no doubt whatsoever that mine is this personality type – none at all – but its hard to read it and come to terms with the fact that we did fall in love with an image – and not the real person. Because i know i was a real person, with real feelings and hopes and dreams and that i gave every single cell of my being, my love, my spirit, my energy – to the relationship i had with this person. Its hard to comprehend that. I know you must be feeling the same

Im where you are doll – trying to get it into my head that HE IS NOT COMING BACK – HE WILL NEVER RING OR TEXT OR EMAIL ME AGAIN – HE IS NOT SORRY………… and that is a very hard place to be also. I have read there are 4 stages to this kind of grief – Denial, Anger, Pleading/Begging and finally Acceptance. Some days i DO feel in denial – that hes taking a few weeks out and he will be back – but then i realise he wont – he said his final goodbye and thats it. I have anger – but it comes in waves. And i do the pleading/begging in my head – i pick up the phone to call or text – but i put it down again. I dont want him to know how much im hurting – i dont want to give him that power over me. If he EVER thinks of me – i want him to wonder what IM up to! I hope to get to acceptance at some stage – but i cant see that happening for a while whilst im still swinging between all these other stages!

i just wish i had the same mental distortion they do – that i could just click my fingers and forget all about him just as he has done to me. Life seems incredibly unfair. Incredibly. I was so good to him and stuck by him thru some really bad stuff – and im the one suffering and he is the one enjoying his new “freedom” as you say Lost. Mine would say that – that i asked too many questions and sometimes he felt like a prisoner – but with al he did to me – i felt i needed to question him – he lied and deceived so much – i almost took over a parenting role of a bad teenager who hides things………… there was no balance in our relationship, no thought for ME or US. He only ever thought of himself – and at his age – when i found thigns and confronted him – his typical answer was I DONT KNOW WHY. I dont know why i cheated, or did those things, or lied or deceived you or called the other woman or emailed another woman – I DONT KNOW WHY Thats all i got. he even had the cheek to say to me in the last days we were together that his anwers were never good enough for me – and that sometimes people just dont know. he said it would be the same as if i asked him how cold fusion worked – i said “im sure if i asked the man who invented cold fusion how it worked HE could tell me – but im sure if i asked him WHY you did those things – he wouldnt have an answer. They are YOUR actions and the only one who can explain them is YOU.”. i still never got answers. and i never will.

Liz, i dont know what to say to help you as none of us have been able to come up with any answers. I dont have any idea WHY they duped us into thinking things were still great and they were in love with us. And then tell us that they didnt for a long time. My ex never said he didnt love me anymore, he did say towards the end he wasnt “head over heels in love” with me like he used to be, but he still loved me – that was hard enough for me to hear and explained WHY he was doing the things he was. And his actions were enough. he paid more attention to others than to me and the life we were supposedly building. His parents thought we were going to get engaged and told other family – my ex even asked me twice what kind of style ring i liked – he told me months ago when i confronted him over something else – that YES he did see a future and a marriage and a family with me – he just didnt know WHY he did the things he did – so like a fool i thought “well i must be the one for him, and maybe he just needs time to adjust”. I was always strong enough to confront him – i think thats actually why we lasted so long – because i WOULD say things and challenge him on behaviours – but then i was weak enough to take him back time and again, but i couldnt get over some of it. Without answers i couldnt get over hardly any of it if im honest with myself

I wrote a list as recomended by a friend straight after he left – of all the bad – and there was ALOT – more than i posted originally. And i read it again today and thought WHY do i want this man back? why do i devalue myself that much? those answers are the ones i need. Because the questions i have for him will never be answered. Have any of you considered writing one of thse? it does help in the times i want to ring or text or email him – to look at my list and think WHY? why should I be the one to make contact and go running back? and it puts some clarity on this being a good reason for an ending with him…….. well for a short time anyways! it does help me when i have the urge to make contact with him tho

So today has been a day alone, a day of reflection for me and i still have a million questions running around in my head about everything. Its like a puzzle im trying to piece together – but like one of those really hard 2000 piece ones of like a blue sky – all the pieces are blue and its just trying to get them to fit together . But i cant imagine EVER getting them to fit. I acknowledge this is goign to be a very long process – and i decided today also to take my own vow of celibacy for at least one year. Get my life back on track like it was before i met him, make decisions for MY future. And if any decent man was ever to come along again, then he would respect that and respect me for being independant and in a good place. I will never ever let anyone do this to me again, that is the other vow i have taken for myself. But how these men, our ex's – can just move on is beyond me – its like we meant nothing – all the words and actions and things done and plans made – mean nothing.

he invades my thoughts, my dreams, i cant sleep and have no interest in food altho i eat as i do get hungry. But i only eat bland things – even my sense of taste has gone. All the days and night seem to merge……. even time seems to be of no consequence at the moment. 12years ago my sister died in a car accident – and it was horrific – but honestly these feelings feel the exact same – of someone so close to me dying. I keep telling myself – i got thru that – i can get thru this – but it also brings memory back to me of that grief and how it seemed to just choke me and i couldnt get away from it, no matter what i did. I know time heals all – and i feel like im just waiting for time to pass…………. waiting and hoping and wishing……….. its qute a lonely existance. And i dont mean lonely as in i dont have other people – but i feel very alone just in my being right now………

how can one person do so much damage? and have no qualms about treating another human this way? i know people break up – but look at all four of our stories – lies, deceit………. in mine and Lost's cases – ours have already moved on to their “freedom” and we are of no consequence to them anymore. In Sara and Liz's case – my heart goes out to you to hear that these men carried on such a pretence to you and led you to believe thsi was a secure and happy loving relationship for you. It hurts my heart to see that you were led along a path for such a long time – and how much pain you are going thru.

I can totally empathise – and i do like coming here and being able to express what im going thru with people who completely understand. If i was to tell friends that i missed him as much as i did – they would tell me to get over it – he is bad news – this is a good thing and i deserve better – and they are right – but right now i cant deal with that.

Well ladies, another big blurb by me! thanks again for reading and i look forward to reading how you guys are getting on

All my thoughts

6:14 pm
December 27, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Ladies,

I wish I had some encouraging words for all of us, but I don't. I am at a loss just like everyone else, and hurting like hell. I guess that's the encouragement- to know you are not crazy, that you are not alone, that this unfortunately has happened to others and they are just as destroyed as you.

I woke up today, and I just missed him. I missed laughing with him, talking with him, being in his company, kissing him…everything except the bad parts I guess. I think at this point, well at least today (I feel like some days, I move forward and then I am just back where I started), but for now in this moment I just really miss him. I think it is finally sinking in that I will probably never see or hear from him again. It is like he has died, but the real killer is that he has chosen to be dead to me. He has chosen to cut me out of his life, and feels only relief at this decision. Like you all, I am just as confused as to how someone can go from loving you so much and you are the most amazing woman in the world to this. I just don't get it. And it's so hard for me to walk away from something I don't understand.

I was reading in this book about narcissism (which I believe, reluctantly, that my ex is one), but anyway, the book explains how narcissist destroy any successful romantic relationship, because they interpret such relationships to be co-denpendent and emotionally strangulating. Thus, they destroy them. But they feel no regret or remorse afterward, they feel release…blessed release- a kind of “free at last” feeling. This broke my heart when I read it because it means he will never give me a second thought. He will never feel any remorse for what he did to me. He will never feel like he let a good thing go. He will never come back. He will never try to contact me in the future. Nothing. It's over. I will never see or hear from him again. While I was only in love with the illusion that he created for me to see, I am mourning the loss of the love of my life and my best friend. And none of it was real. How sick is that. I wish I could just erase him from my memory completely. If that was possible, I would pay good money.

Liz, sorry to hear about your situation. It's always so hurtful when they say that they have been feeling this way all along yet their behavior has been such a contradiction. I don't get it. Even though I know it would hurt, I loved my ex enough and respected him enough that I would never just pretend to love him. I couldn't. I am a horrible pretender. But up until the very end, I was told how special I was, how blessed he was to have me, how I was the love of his life, how he wanted to marry me, how he would be overjoyed if I got pregnant. All of it lies. I just don't get it. Don't they understand that while the truth hurts, lies are destructive. It's the difference between using a scalpel to cut and chain saw. Yes, both will cut. But one cuts with less damage to everything around it thus making it easier to heal. But why am I telling you ladies this. You obviously understand that.

Heartbroken, I think it's good that you just take some time to be alone and process everything…if that's even possible. It good to just be able to cry. To not have to carry on a conversation or pretend to be interested. To completely just block the rest of the world out, and just grieve. Like you, I have a lot in common with the narcissistic partner and I don't know why. I don't feel like I had a bad childhood. I don't know of anyone who has abandoned me or why I would be afraid of that. But I can say that when it came to my ex, I was afraid to loose him. He was the first guy I was ever with that I just liked from the start. I never had to sit around trying to convince myself that I was attracted to him, or that he was ambitious, or that he was a strong enough personality for me. I didn't have to convince myself of anything except whether or not I would be able to keep him. He just had ALL the qualities I was looking for in a guy and even more. Unfortunately, he had no character to back those qualities but I didn't see that until it was TOO LATE. But I think that's why I was afraid to loose him. For the first time I had found something that I actually wanted, and by some miracle of god I was actually able to get it. I just don't know if it will ever happen for me again. I mean I am 26, and yes that's kinda young. But hell, it took 26 years for it to just happen once. I don't know…..

Anyways, wish I had more hopefully words to offer everyone. I just continue to pour myself in my reading. I sleep, read, and grieve. I would run but I am sick at the moment. I don't even know what to look forward to anymore.

Simply hurting…..

1:41 pm
December 27, 2009

Devastated

Guest

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi girls. Hope you don't mind me joining in on your post. It's taken me a couple of hours to read everything but I share a lot of your feelings, I can relate to a lot of what you have said, some of the things have made me cry and some things have brought hope.

My story is I'm 24 and from England. My ex (I still can't believe he's my ex) is 21, just turned. We'd been together 21 months and he finished me on Boxing Day, 2 days ago. These last 2 days have been the hardest and most painful experience i have ever had, i never thought it possible to experience so much pain and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I love him so much. He was so unique and could make me laugh so much, he was such a comical person and i've always had a weakness for men that can make me laugh. He was quite immature but that was part of what i loved about him. However he could be quite insensitive and I am a rather insecure person with very low self-esteem. I have had counselling for it, helped a bit, im gonna go back for it again in the New Year. He didn't really help my insecurities and would eye other girls up in front of me. I'm more than sure he never cheated on me as he didn't seem the sort and I did feel like I trusted him, yet I still worried when he went out with his mates that he would see or meet somebody he liked better than me. I don't know if that's gonna be a problem i'm always gonna have though as i have had that problem with previous boyfriends. But the fact that he seemed unable to give me the reassurance I needed didnt help. He found it difficult to give compliments or to speak about things in a serious way which may be down to his age. He has a large family who I grew so close to and felt part of them which makes it even harder as I haven't just lost him, ive lost a family as well.

This last month hasn't been brilliant. I have a problem with drinking in that I don't seem to know my limits and would often end up falling out with Ollie, which I would always deeply regret, blame myself for, and feel guilty about for days and days. In fact I'd blame myself for every time we fell out and just be so worried and anxious that i was gonna lose him. I really wanted to make amends and thought we could work things out.

Then on Boxing Day he dropped the bombshell – he has changed, his feelings have changed, and he doesn't love me anymore. 36 hours ago this happened. It still just feels like a bad dream. My family and friends have been really good but im sure you all know it doesn't heal the immense pain and sadness in your heart. I love him so much and if he wanted me back i would go in an instant, even though ive made a list of 20 reasons why the break up was good. I know we could make it work but if he doesn't feel the same then i have no choice but to accept it. He said he's not felt the same for a few months now which was such a shock as he hadn't acted any different. He said none of it was my fault and not to blame myself and he actually cried more than i did when he finished me (though ive made up for that today now it's finally sunk in) but it does make me wonder if we had got on better this last month if things had been different. I keep hoping he'll text and want to give it another go but I know deep down he won't and it hurts so so much. I just feel like I want to die and nothing is worth living for, even though I love my family and friends to bits and ive got a good job but that feeling is so strong and painful. And like one of you has mentioned before, how do we know it's not gonna happen again? I would rather die than go through this again. I did manage to sleep last night coz I was really tired after crying so much but i woke up early and ive been crying absolute buckets all day. I couldn't eat a thing yesterday, I managed a bit today as I felt a bit better having spoken to my best friend. I don't go back to work till Monday 4th Jan which im dreading but it's another week away so im hoping it might have at least STARTED to get a little bit easier but probably not. I've got things planned with friends next week and a small house party New Years Eve which I don't particularly feel like going to but if it's bad I can always get a taxi home.

I know my story isn't as bad as any of yours coz I didn't live with him or anything but I'm sure I am feeling as much pain as you 3, especially as it has only just happened. It definitely helps to know you're not on your own though.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Liz x

Cry

11:24 am
December 27, 2009

sara00

Active Healing Member

posts 42

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Lost and Heartbroken,

What scares me the most is at what point did these guys fall out of love with us? I mean when the hell did this happen? And at what point did they just go about normal even though they felt nothing? I mean my ex was telling me that he felt nothing for me, that he was not in love with me, and that each time we had fought his love for me had diminished. So…why did you say we were stronger and you loved me?

It’s really scary actually and that’s why I feel so used. I don’t know if he didn’t love me 6 months ago or one month ago, or never at all? I’m scared that the next person I meet will do the same. My ex wanted to marry me too, he told his whole family and he was making plans to save up money, he kept looking at rings. I mean we wanted to move in together next year!

Lost, I understand why you’re having trouble learning from the experience. Yes there are certain traits that people have and you can avoid those men who have them, but how are you, or any of us, supposed to foresee a guy go from one extreme to another? How was I supposed to know that this man who is driving three hours every weekend to come see me would do this to me? Sometimes I think maybe it was for the sex? Then when I think that it makes me feel worse. I don’t even know how it’ll feel when I see him with other women. Why he’s moving back here I don’t know? I used to have dreams about him when I was dating him. My dreams would always in some form include him just leaving one day and never speaking to me again, or him telling me he didn’t love me. Well, it finally happened. That’s exactly what he did. He’s a horrible person, but I’m not sure if I would say I wish I had never met him.

And Lost, I don’t think you still love him- I think you love something you thought he was.

Heartbroken, I too feel like a ghost. Everyone around me is going about their lives and it feels like I should be over it too. I assume you and Lost think about how your ex’s are, whether they’re sad without you or whether they’re happier and living life. I constantly wonder. Is it wrong of me to wish that he’s depressed and lonely without me? You know its like when I think of my ex I think about him when he loved me and how if he knew I was upset he would be upset and try to comfort me; he would feel something for me. But he’s a different person now and he doesn’t care about me at all. That’s the worse, when I hear his voice saying I don’t love you anymore. And I think about him with other women. But reality is that all of our ex’s have severe personality problems, and we’re not the only women they will do this to.

Heartbroken, stop thinking that you could have done something better. It was NOT YOU. It was him…I mean how could you have known that he would leave you broken without any reason? You couldn’t have seen it coming! We’re all on the same boat for sure. Planning things in advance, etc. I mean I had planned to spend my whole month with him down the shore. And now what? He’s down there with his family probably has forgotten about me. I mean there is some nerve these men have to make so many plans and then just dump us like that. I have never cried so much in my life that night he was breaking up with me. I thought it was just something silly and he would realize that we love each other so much, but he didn't. I like to think not that it wasn’t good enough, but it was TOO good. He would always tell me that he had never been loved like this in his life. I was his one and only. Honestly, he was always the one who loved me more…

I shut my phone off and turn it on and just wonder if he’s going to call me or anything. I have to admit one thing, and its that I have his password for his email. I used to check it a couple of times a day and I would see that he was checking but I realized it wasn’t doing any good for me. I did find notes he had written about me, songs, poems, “things that remind of sara”. It just made me laugh, because he was such a good f*cking actor.

Heartbroken, when you said “they dont want to know us anymore, and thats the part i struggle with so much” it really struck a chord. You’re absolutely right. That’s the worse pain, someone who loved you so much, who you spent so much time with just doesn’t care about your existence. I’m trying not to care about him but I can’t stop thinking about how much I want him to hurt. I feel like he won out of all of this, even though the reasons for the troubles in the relationship were his fault.

Still so confused though!

11:23 pm
December 26, 2009

heartbroken1

Active Healing Member

posts 44

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

made a mistake!

dont believe im a narcisist at all! i mean to say that i have alot of the narcissitic PARTNER traits that were in the link you posted! sorry! tired and had a typo

11:17 pm
December 26, 2009

heartbroken1

Active Healing Member

posts 44

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Ladies

im physically exhausted. Been living on anxiety and sadness for so long, it invades my slee, my dreams, my thoughts when im awake. I just want it over and done with

My friends and family have been trying so hard to fill up my time so im not alone and sitting around being sad – i totally appreciate what they are doing, totally – but i just want to be alone for a few days now and sleep and just be sad. Im still at the sad stage. The stage where i cant help but think of him all the time – despite being surrounded by others. And i cant stop thinking about “what is he doing and where is he” and of horrible thoughts of him being with other women and even his friends having a good time when i am struggling so much.

ive had a day out with my two brothers, and i just feel like a ghost. I know its probably a healthy way to try and “avoid” thinking about him and trying to move on and see that i dont need him solely for love and happiness – but right now he is still the only one i want – despite all he has done to me

its such a horrible state to be in. And as i said, i am just so extremely exhausted from it all

its summer here so its really hot too – and i just dont have the energy for anything at the moment, but then when i try to sleep i have so much trouble doing that also.

As you said in your last post Lost – i just want to be alone. I dont mean to sound ungrateful – i know how hard everyone is trying to bolster my spirits and help me get thru this and see light instead of dark – but i just feel almost like im drowning.

I want to text or ring or email – but i know if i do then he wins – cos i also want him to think (haha – yea right! like he is EVEN thinking of me! i am deluded!) but i dont want him to think i care – at a time of year we both had so many plans – we both booked the same time off work and made holiday plans – i want him to think ive carried on, that im stronger – all the while, im so weak! i check my cellphone all the time, if ive been out i check the answer message and both my work and personal emails just to be sure he hasnt made any kind of contact – i think around and around my head – what if he makes contact? what will i say/write? i know in my HEAD that he is so wrong for me – but my heart and body pine for him

I read your link yes Lost – and wow! unfortunately i AM alot like a typical narcissitic person – so like you, i want to find a better way. I want to find a better man and true love (if it even exists). I dont ever want to attract another person like that into my life again – ever.

So i know that i need to be on my own – and for a long while! to work myself out, to work out WHAT i could of done better and WHY i let it go on as long as i did. We too shared hopes and dreams and future plans as you both did with your ex's. And thats a big part of what i mourn for. We had an overseas holiday booked and paid for in March next year – and i look at those tickets and cry. How could i have been duped into thinking this was so solid? why did i let him into my home and life…….. i feel the same as you Lost – i wish i had NEVER met him. I would rather have been alone than go thru the last 2years and be chewed up and spat out like this. It has destroyed my self esteem and my confidence. And thats the only reason i have been going along with firends and family's plans – so that i hopefully DO find the light i am looking for. I dont need him for my only source of love – but as you both did – i poured my heart and soul into the relationship, i tried so hard to make it work and thought if only he saw how much i stuck by him – that he would realise what he had. As i said in my last post – he acknowledged that i was “amazing” but that just wasnt good enough for him. he was less than amazing, if you have read my story you will know that – including him physically assaulting me – but i stood by him………. and now im the one, grieving, crying and feeling as tho my heart has been torn out, and no doubt he is already having a great time without me………

Sara – i truly dont think we will EVER get the answers that WE need for closure. As i said previously – they would rather jump in front of a truck than come clean. And they completely ignore us now even tho im sure they know we are in pain – because they have made their decisions and have moved on and dont want us being sooky and crying and holding up their “moving on” without us. So if they dont see the hurt they have caused, or hear it or read it – then to them – they havent caused any and they can happily move on. They dont want to know us anymore, and thats the part i struggle with so much. 2wks and 2days ago we were here living together - and 2weeks and 2days later – its like our life never existed. I feel like im stuck in a black hole, witht he memories and the love that was lost – and he has just moved right out and moved right on. Its such a desolate and lonely feeling, after giving so much of my love, time, energy, support – i supported him thru his grandmothers death, a redundancy (so financially supported also), his job search and job worries. We did so much, concerts, trips away, movies, dinners. We had future plans right up to Sept 2010. We had financial committments together and joint bank accounts – and now i feel like it was just a dream adn that it never happened. Ive never inflicted this on anyone, and i hope i never do. Im not that inhumane.

sorry ladies – just struggling abit again today – think its the exhaustion and i just maybe need a really good long sleep.

Im going to take a couple of days out from being with friends and family – mow the lawns and hang out at home. Im dreading new years also Lost. We also had plans for new years and i dread thinking of him having a great time. I can “occupy” myself and have had several offers to do things – but thats all id be doing – just occupying myself and hoping the events would take my mind off things……… my main question now is HOW they can move on so f**kn fast………… i wish i had that mechanism! it wouldnt hurt so much if i did

I hope you are both doing much better today

9:19 pm
December 26, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Dear Heartbroken and Sara,

Wow! We make quite a collective trio don't we girls? We can really pick out the real winners in a bunch. Well, I guess if the award is going to the mentally unstable, emotionally immature, and down right selfish. Yup, we seem to pick the guys who have it all.

Sorry, I haven't posted for awhile. As with both of you the holiday was hard to get thru. In my family we have a Christmas Eve tradition were we all get new pajamas. I barely had enough joy to just simply open the gift. I didn't let my mom take any pictures because I didn't want to remember this Christmas AT ALL. NOTHING. I just want to try and forget that the past year and half of my life ever happened. I spent Christmas morning crying and Christmas evening buzzed thanks to my Grandaddy's scotch. I didn't even open any of my gifts until this evening. I essentially missed Christmas entirely and on purpose. Thank goodness we only have the new year left and then this disgusting year will be over and hopefully we will all be that much closer to healing.

Sara, in regards to your inquiry- I definitely think your ex is unstable. He seems to be having difficulties in multiple areas: school, living arrangements, health and personal relationships. Like you said, his behavior just doesn't make sense and taking into account all the other inconsistencies he is showing in other areas of his life, my guess is that there is a little bit of instability going on. I know while this may provide an explanation it doesn't make it any easier for you to digest what the hell just happened. I know it hurts like crazy, and you run it through your mind over and over and over again trying to figure the whole thing out. I know. I have been there. I wish I could tell you that it goes away quick, but all I can say is my relationship ended over a month ago and I still wake up every morning crying, running everything through my head, trying to figure it out. Like your ex, my ex went from one extreme to the other in a matter of days. I still am experiencing whiplash, and like you I just can't understand it which is perhaps the most frustrating part. I just feel that if I could understand what happened, then I could learn from the situation, know what to look for in the future, and do what I need to do to make sure it doesn't happen again. I wish I had answers for you but I really don't. I am in the same boat as you, trying to figure out how a guy can go from proposing to me and talking to my parents about how he wants to marry me, to completely cutting me out of his life and being on a dating website. Makes no sense to me. Yes, I understand that people move on, but hell if the girl meant something to you, I thought you at least stopped to take a breath before jumping back in the game and completely forgetting about her.

Heartbroken, I'm sorry to hear that you had a rough night back at home. It's rough having to cry yourself to sleep at night. I have done it practically every night this month. I wish I was a better pretender like you, but being around all these jolly happy people just makes me even more miserable. I feel like I manage better when I am alone. I feel like it is easier for me to have a little bit of relief when I am on my own. But maybe that's just because it's all relative. And it only seems like relief because there is no one happier around. Whatever the reason, whether relative or genuine, the fact that I have a sense of relief is so priceless. I am really worried about how I will be able to function once I have to face the real world and get back to working.

If I could have one wish, I would sincerely and truly wish that I had never had the opportunity of meeting my ex. I really wish that he and I had never spoken, never know each other. I think it would have been better that way. There is no lesson that I have learned from this that has been worth all the pain I have to endure.

I am meeting with this counselor on Monday. I hope it goes well. I hope she can help me clarify this mess that I find myself in. My parents/family bought me a lot of gifts this Christmas for encouragement- lots of books, journals, etc. It was so thoughtful. I especially feel bad for my parents. They have to stand by and helplessly watch me work through my grief anew everyday. I don't know how they do it and I feel so bad that I should be a cause of their pain. And i really am starting to resent my ex at this point for not only hurting me, but my family. People who haven't even done anything to him. Not that I did anything to him except try to love him. But apparently he just wanted to be pampered and pleasured…nothing more. And now that he is finished with me he has moved on to the next hot thing. I really do want to stop thinking about how happy and content he is while I am completely torn inside. It makes me sick.

Hey Heartbroken, did you get a chance to check out that link and read that article about partners of narcissistic individuals? Its really good. I was having a hard time identifying my ex as a narcissist until I read that article. The article just nailed our relationship. I couldn't have described it better myself. I guess what I need to figure out is why I would let a man do this to me. I need to answer the tough questions about myself and maybe that will help put me on the right road to recovery. Maybe that is what this entire situation is about- about me finding and fixing what is broken on the inside of me. If that's the case, then I guess this process will be worth it in the end- at least I tell myself that to help me make it through the days.

If it makes you feel any better, not only could my ex not wish me a happy birthday- oh, and mind you this is after he spent all of last year berating me because I had the audacity to leave his apartment when he was ignoring me on his birthday weekend- but he couldn't even wish me a merry christmas. In fact, I doubt I even crossed his mind. I bet he spent these lasts weeks flirting with his new flame and trying to pick her out the perfect gift for the holiday. What an jerk. But, same as you too- I still love him. What is wrong with me?

Frustrated!

10:33 am
December 26, 2009

sara00

Active Healing Member

posts 42

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Thank you so much for replying!

I'm glad you can understand how ridiculous the the whole thing sounds. It just does not seem logical to me no matter how many times i replay the story in my mind. I keep thinking of little signs here and there where maybe he didn't say I love you when he would have and I can only find it in a couple of places…what hurts the most is that I really cared about him and put every effort to make him happy. I fought with my family and friends who would say i'm with him too much but I thought I was so in love with him that I had a right to be with him. And he would always want to be with me it was never forced.

The night we were fighting I called a mutual friend and he was completely shocked! It has only been a few days before that he was telling his friend about our plans for our anniversary etc. The next day our friend told me that my ex had driven back to Maryland to his house and looked a mess and then went to the hospital for the stomach flu. I thought he would call me then, but he didn't. I thought his family would call me and ask me what happened but they didn't. I feel like I just missed something. I'm so confused. And none of my family and friends liked him they all called him “parve” which means dry.

I wanted to share something that played in my head while I was in church for xmas eve. My ex was jewish but he is not religious at all. In fact the whole family would (it sounds crazy) fake being kosher- which is like a dietary restriction, can't mix meat and dairy. Anyway that always seemed odd that they would lie. So one of the jewish holidays my ex took me with his family who were very supportive of me not being jewish, to synagogue. And its hard to explain but for some reason all of us “felt” something like it was like a wave of emotion. And he looked at me and he's like I felt something and I want to marry you here. THIS WAS NOT THAT LONG AGO when he said this!

I wish he had told me before if he didn't have feelings for me. It hurts to know that just a few weeks ago I was in his arms he was telling me how I was the best thing that ever happened to him. And I must sound so stupid but I how could I have known? I feel very used physically and emotionally. Some things I have realized about him I am hoping you can tell me if I'm on the right track or not? All of his back and forth from home to home, he stopped staying at his dorm, his friend kicked him off of his couch, and he was living in a hotel for the last weeks at school, could these be signs of him being unstable? I know he was depressed before he was with me and during this past semester… he always changed his mind about careers, he spent money like crazy, he gained 30 pounds, he had developed somewhat of a temper, and he always clinged onto me. He also told me while we were breaking up that I should care for him like how i care for my younger sister! Does he have psychological problems? Or do I sound completely crazy? Because I just cannot for the life of me logically fit all the things that happened together. And I certainly cannot understand how after 3 years of friendship and a whole year of a very close relationship (i'm assuming) he's happy and thrilled to be away from me.

He's transferring to my school officially, which is ridiculous as well, because his reason for transferring was to be with ME. And now he doesn't have me… Confused I haven't been eating well- I've lost a lot of weight. Every morning I wake up and everything is on a loop in my head. And I feel like such a loser because he probably isn't feeling the same or he would have called! I know someone who really loves me would never do this to me and it scares me that the next guy might do the same thing. As much as I want to stop being in pain I can't help but wonder if he is alone and miserable? And I keep wondering if he's upset because I think in some ways I want him to love me and realize how empty his life is without me. But I don't think he does…I understand what you mean about feeling like you never meant anything to him.

I know we shouldn't be destroying ourselves over some guys but it's impossible not to feel pain if you've been with someone for so long and have devoted everything to them.I hope today is a bit easier for the both of you.

1:18 am
December 26, 2009

heartbroken1

Active Healing Member

posts 44

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Lost and Sara

Well, merry xmas to you both, if you can call it that!

here in NZ it is the day after xmas, so i havent had a computer to come on here as i stayed at my parents for a couple of nights. My dad insisted on it as he knows how upset i am about the breakup, and im pleased he did as to be alone would have been tortute – it already was torture!

and the weird thing is? MY EX DIDNT PHONE OR TEXT OR EMAIL – and i know how weird and sad and pathetic that sounds – but i TOTALLY thought he would at least say something to mark the day – considering up til he moved we had plans with our parents, brought our presents, put up the tree etc…………. and no contact. It was hard not to contact him, but i cried for over an hour in bed last night that he didnt make any contact……… that i mean nothing to him now at all

Sara – thank you for reading our posts and joining our little support team we have going on here. I readyour post and i cant understand at all how he could do that to you – so i can only imagine that if you are anything like me (and Lost by teh sounds) – you are doing nothing BUT think it over, and over, and over, and over again. I have the exact same questions as you – how CAN they say things, plan things, do things – but yet just finish it and walk away – like none of that time means nothing. I am blown away and bewildered for you that he did so much, said so much and behaved the way he did only to say the things he did to you at the end. I cant imagine how hurt and confused you must feel. I know you must have a million questions why. As i said, i know i do. Im sorry this happened to you, and i hope one day he is man enough to at least make amends and front you to your face and give you the answers as to WHY he kept up a pretence – and such an overwhelming good pretence – at being so completely in love with you when in fact he says he was having opposite feelings. I feel as you would – even if it would of hurt – wouldnt it of been better to know ages ago at the time they were feeling them? rahter than leave it so long and it be so shocking?

As Lost and I both know – there are no answers and the only people who can give them to us – simply will not. Ive been reading books i got out from the library and something rung so very true to me – a man would rather pull his eyes out and jump in front of a speeding truck before ever admitting the truth. We are NEVER going to get the answers to the questions we seek – never. And i know for myself thats extremely hard. I have so many “why's”. Why did you do that, why did you say that – HOW could you do that………. and i never got the truth once – but i tried to make out things would get better – but they never did

Sara – my thoughts and empathy are with you too – i know how hard im finding things, so difficult, i cant eat or sleep despite being exhausted. Im a shell – it was was nice to be with family and friends for xmas – evryone made sure that i had people around me and tried hard to keep my spirits up – but if im honest – i faked the whole day – the whole day in my mind i was thinking about him and what he was doing and if he even thought of me (i presume he didnt). I appreciate all that everyone did for me – but what a harrowing, cold and alone time of the year to be in this situation aye ladies! its like a double whammy – not only am i going to leave you so desperately lonely and in so much pain – im gonna do it a time that will compound that pain and misery – and act as if you do not exist……….. i wish i was such a cold hearted bastard like these men.

Lost – i hope the books you got out are helping – i see you said you looked for narcissm material also – i know my ex fits that bill completely – so its a very small comfort (and one day i hope its a VERY BIG comfort) to know the issues lie with him, his deficiencies, his insecurities, his issues and his disorder – i know i was a fantastic girlfriend – he even said so himself – he said i was amazing – and so yesterday i kept going over in my head – how can amazing simply not be enough? cos i know i would love to have “amazing” and i know id appreciate “amazing” if it was in my life – so how come they dont? what more could i have done to be better than “amazing”? and then i start thinking horrible things – i must be too ugly, or fat or not enough fun or some other things – i dont know – but i dont like having such negative thoughts about myself. Before i met my ex over 2 years ago i felt the best about myself than i ever had – i had the world at my feet, i was happy, i had a great job, a nice house, wonderful friends and a nice family……….. and then when i met my ex – i thought WOW the last piece of the puzzle………. and i STILL cant believe its happened. I need to but i cant quite just yet………… i dont want to – even tho he did some disgusting things to me……. im sure ladies we are all in this boat – and its the one thing i like about coming here – is that i can be honest about my thoughts and feelings.

my friends and family are happy its over with him as he did so much damage to me – so i have to fake it and pretend that they are right – but they dont see the big hole in my heart.

one dear friend tho – brought me an extremely thoughtful gift and i cried my eyes out – i told my friend that i was so in shock with this and how much it was hurting and how i could not remember the things before my ex that made me happy – and my friend gave me a card that said “look at this to remember the happy times, and there will be many more” and he brought me a digital photoframe keyring and he loaded up some pictures of holidays we have taken in the past (this is one of my best mates of many years, a gay guy), concerts we went to, cool holidays we went on, pictures of my cat and other friends we have and even pictures of my godson – i cried and cried at the thoughtfulness of his gift, and i have been telling myself – thats right – i WAS happy before him – and i will be again – but i wish i just knew WHEN……. this pain is unbearable

I hope you have both got thru xmas day. I know from my own pain, how hard it would have been for y ou both also

Thinking of you

3:13 pm
December 25, 2009

sara00

Active Healing Member

posts 42

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

I've been reading the posts and I hope you won't mind if I share my own story.

I was friends with this guy for three years and I had fallen in love with him. In his first year of college during winter break he came home and told me he was in love with me. Because we had been good friends the relationship was just so comfortable. But he went to college in Maryland and I was in Pennsylvania. So for the first semester he would see me every 2 weeks. We had a couple problems as far as his drinking/smoking habits. He would easily be pressured into it. I met some of his friends who lived in Pennsylvania (thats where he is originally from) and I knew they were just not good people. They were heavily into drugs and they were like the spoiled rich kids that people make fun of on tv. As the months went by he would talk to me and text me and everything everyday. The summer came around and he was with me EVERY DAY. From the moment I woke up to the time when I would fall asleep. It was a bit suffocating at first because I had never been in a relationship with someone who just loved me so much and wanted to be with me all the time- so I thought.

I started having anxiety attacks and I wasn't really sure why. We had a big fight because he had been lying to me and would see me at night and around 10 or 11PM would say he was tired, would drop me off, and then would hang out with his friends. I trusted him that he wasn't drinking or smoking but when I found out he was doing this I was furious. The fight was horrible and he cried the whole time. Just so you know about every fight we had he would cry violently. Anyway so he begged for forgiveness and promised me he'd change. And he did- but instead of balancing his time with me and his friends he just stopped hanging out with them. He was basically only in contact with me and his family.

First semester of his sophmore year he would drive from Maryland to Pennsylvania EVERY friday just to come see me. I NEVER told him to do any of it and he kept assuring me it was because he loved me. He was head over heels for me. He did everything for me, all the support and love I couldn't believe it. He was so sure that I was the “one” that he told me he wanted to marry me and everything. We started having little arguments here and there because he would get semi jealous whenever I was around men. I say semi because I never really felt like he was actually jealousy- but he felt obligated to say something.

I was very very close with his family and they all really loved me. But the problems seemed to emerge when I would discuss my future plans of going to medical school and traveling etc. He kept saying well you want a low stress job and he even said he wanted a low stress job so he could spend some more time with me. He also surprised me and filled out an application to transfer to the same school I am in so that we could be closer together. Four weeks ago he surprised me on my birthday and showed up on campus and it was the sweetest thing ever. Two weeks after that was his birthday and I took him out and we spent the whole weekend together. I didn't think anything was wrong? Not even two days before we broke up he was looking for diamond earrings for me for our anniversary.

A week ago we got into a fight and he was crying and he told me that he needed space to work on himself. He felt “beaten” down and really depressed (btw he gained 30 pounds with the last few months). He said he couldn't commit to me and that he wasn't in love with me and that even though he didn't want to feel this way it had been building up for a while. That was it. I have never felt so much pain in my life. It was SO shocking to hear someone who had been with me for a whole year and was so in love with me just didn't feel that way anymore. I don't know what happened? I really cared a lot about him and he just completely broke my heart. I keep thinking of him and my mind is exploding! I know its over and he was bad for me but I just don't get how he could lie to me and say I love you when he wasn't? Why put so much effort when you don't love someone? I don't know what to do.I feel so alone and my family and friends all tell me he wasn't good for me and I know that but it still hurts. And I just keep imagining him being so happy and feeling amazing while I'm the only one upset. Help!

10:02 pm
December 23, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Heartbroken,

I am so thankful to have you. I really am. Even though we have never met or talked in person, or anything really, you are like the only person in my life right now who just gets it- completely. I am so thankful to read your messages everyday. It makes me feel like I am NOT crazy because someone else is going through it too. So, just wanted to say thanks for being there. I wish that neither of us had to go through it, but I am glad I have you. I hope that my writing helps you in some way or another.

Thanks for the Birthday wish. Ya, my Birthday pretty much sucked. I mentioned to my parents that he didn't even bother to say Happy Birthday and my mom was so shocked that I would even be mentioning it. That hurt. Made me feel like there is something wrong with me. Way I see it, the guy did propose last month, so ya, I think normal people would still wish that you have a happy birthday even if you aren't together. Am I crazy? I am just happy my birthday is over. I didn't want to think about. I didn't want to think about getting older or that fact that I wasn't spending my birthday with him. Or that fact that at this age, my life is nothing like I had imagined it to be. Hopefully next year will be better.

Luckly, i didn't dream about him last night, so that was a relief. I will take all the little moments I can get. I finally told my older sister today what happened. I guess it was good to talk to someone with whom I could curse as I pleased. But she is already pressuring me to get out of AZ. I would love to get out of AZ. I hate it here, but I lost so much money in trying to make the move to MS, that I just can't afford to live anywhere else at the moment, and any job I get here I will have to keep for a least over a year. So, it looks like I am stuck here. But I so just want to get out. But I don't really know where else in the US to go. I don't want to return to NY. It will be too hard having all the memories being triggered. I guess there would be more of a guy selection in NY, but I am so not ready to let another jerk in my life. Way I see it is I would rather be alone and whole than coupled and broken.

Like you I went to the story and bought a crap load of books. I mean a crap load. But my books are more about how to deal with the narcissistic personality, how to identify it, how to expose liars…I guess books to help me so that I never end up with a guy like him again. I came across this piece on the internet that described the dynamics of a narcissistic person and his partner. I was shocked! It was such an adequate description of my relationship with this guy. It was kinda scary how accurate it was. If you want to read it, this is the link: www.drirene.com/1_nar.htm. After reading this article, I went straight to the bookstore and bought like 10 books. I know…I'm crazy, but after this relationship, who wouldn't be.

I am looking forward to talking with this counselor on Monday. I really hope that she can help me understand this situation. Help me learn how to let go and move on. And help me identify how I could let myself get into a relationship with this kinda guy. I guess right now, I just want to understand everything so I can let go and make sure that I NEVER have this happen to me ever again.

It's good that you have something to do for the 11 days that you are off. Unfortunately, I am just stuck at home with my parents for the most part and most of my friends are out of town or have family coming in the for the holidays. So there is not a lot of fun planned into my schedule. I think I am just going to sleep New Year's Even night away. There is nothing about this year that I want to celebrate or remember. I just want this year to be over and I want to forget that it ever happened. I'm sure he will be celebrating with his new flame this new year. Telling her what a headache I was, how she is so much much suitable for him, how he is so happy that he let go of me so he would be fortunate enough to find her. Ugh…I wish I wouldn't think about such things, but i can't stop.

So for now, I am just going to pour myself into this reading. Hopefully it will be helpful and shed some insight on the entire situation. I just want to forget this man entirely. If there was a way I could do that…that would be the best Christmas present ever. But it was all my fault anyway, right, because it certainly wasn't his. He is just a normal good guy with normal faults, nothing more, and I shouldn't think ill of him. Someone shoot me.

Well, for what it's worth, I wish you a very Merry Christmas. And it that's no consolation, know that I will be trying my best to make it thru the holidays same as you.

Thanks for being there.

-Lost

12:27 am
December 23, 2009

heartbroken1

Active Healing Member

posts 44

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Lost

Firstly, happy birthday.

I know that it may feel so empty for you now, and the happy birthday means nothing. But just remember you DO have other people who genuinely care for you. Even if it feels like he dosnt. And that the one person you wanted to make contact didnt – but i know its easy for me to say cos id be feeling the same as you – but try and see any positive you can sweets – like was it a nice weather day for your birthday? did you get any presents? did you have cake or go out for dinner? i hope there was something nice and special that you had for your birthday. And all the way from little New Zealand – im wishing you a great day

In answer to your qeustion – a pretty good day for me at the moment means being able to concentrate on soemthing OTHER than my ex – even for short periods. And im grateful ive had my job to distract me, im grateful that ive been superbusy at work due to it being the end of the year and im grateful for my work mates who have kept me busy with chats and coffee and stuff like that to get me thru those days.

Im the same as you tho Lost – i am now living alone – and even when i went to the supermarket the other day i cried – that was horrible! remembering “hey, its not for two anymore” and i used to do the shoping for US – and would buy him his things he liked – chicken chips, chocolate milk and ginger beer – funny huh but seeing the chocolate milk was what did it for me and i broke down – and cos im not in the mood to eat – but used to cook every night for us – i felt pathetic and very lonely in the supermarket.

I know how you feel Lost. I tried describing it to someone today in my words – i was saying how i felt so ALONE – i have friends and family and a job and a cat – but ive never felt more ALONE in my whole life. I feel like a tiny little speck (like on Horton Hears a Who…) floating around and no one sees me or cares. I know people DO see me and DO care – but there is only one person i want to notice me – and he has moved out and moved on.

im dreading xmas day – we were living together so i already had his presents and his parents presents also. We had our day planned out months in advance – breakfast at my parents and lunch at his parents……. and then said we would come home and eat chocolate and watch cheesy xmas movies. I remember the last couple of years going to drive around and see the xmas lights on peoples houses………. felt so good to be part of something and someone – now this xmas feels bleak and very lonely

my friends and family have been great. Today was my last day of work and i go back on the 11th jan – so friends and family have filled up most of my days with plans already – i dont want to do them – but i know i need to and get back to a former shadow of myself

I have so much empathy for you Lost. All i can say is i know exactly what you are going thru, your thought processes, how much you miss him, how even tho he has treated you badly you would have him back, how much you still love him. How some days seem so extremely black. And how it feels like nothing wil ever be the same again. I have all of those thoughts too. I have the tears and this pain in my heart that i wish i could just make go away so bad.

I dont have the answers doll, i can just be here for some empathy and support.

Im so sorry to hear that this has ruined your birthday, you deserve so much more. I can only say this is a true reflection of him and his lack of empathy, love and care for you. I know how hard it is hurting – but stay strong and see him and this for what it is – if he can walk away and leave you destroyed like this – then all those sobbings and “i love you's” MUST have been fake – maybe he was even faking himself into thinking he truly did feel it – but when the time came to DOING it – he choked. Thats a true way to judge someone – not by what they say but by what they DO. Actions speak louder than words. His words fooled you into a deep love for him – but it was his actions – no calls, move/dont move, the way he treated you – that was the real person. And his actions on your birthday show you that he cant even be a decent enough guy to just say happy birthday

i know one day you and i will move on from these dirtbags , and that the pain and suffering they have caused us now will become just a memory and a life lesson and we will bring the things into our life we desire – i know it cos we both deserve so much more. But we have to desire it. I think these guys have come into our lives as a life lesson – there is something we were supposed to learn from them – and i think for me, its to treat myself better, trust myself, respect myself, stick to my boundaries. Because the next guy i hope will be my husband, the father of my children and the guy i spend the rest of my life with – so i suppose if i can learn these lessons now and i meet that right person – then i will be at a good place to be those things. I thought i was, but i definately think i have lessons to learn from this – i let it go on far too long, i knew for a year that things werent right, i accepted the lies and the deceit – and because i did – he did it more as he kept getting away with it – but he kept making out it was ME with a problem – and sure, i probably do have problems – but i dont go and f**k peoples lives up, i dont lie to people, i dont deceive people, i dont cheat on people, i dont have one ngiht stands or look at pornography or have sex in group sessions as my ex did – so as much as im hurting right now , i do desire happiness and love back in my life. And im gonna keep trying to focus on that (eeasy to say – not so easy to do). I went and picked up some books from the library after work to read while im off on holidays - books about being single and coping with the life changes – i dont care if it sounds corny – anything i can read and absorb to help make changes is worth a crack i reckon!

Im sorry it was such a shit day Lost, i really am. You deserve so much better

Thinking of you

x

10:33 pm
December 22, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Heartbroken,

Today was a bad day. It was my birthday. Didn't hear from him at all. Not even a text. Nothing. I just don't understand how you can be proposing to someone at the end of last month and by this month not even give a s*@t that it's there birthday. Is he human? Seriously, who can do that? I just don't understand. He seemed so sincere. Sobbing on my phone because he didn't want to loose me. So even if the whole marriage part wasn't true, that fact that he was so desperate to not loose me, shouldn't that part have at least been really? I just don't get it.

It hurt today. I thought it would have been better. I was having a pretty good day yesterday, in the sense that you and I have “pretty good” days anymore. ”Pretty good” for me means that I only cried in the morning and a little at night, and during the day I was at least able to stray dry eyed. How about you…what does a “pretty good” day mean for you?

I dreamt about him all last night. I dreamt that I was trying to find a bus to the hospital. I had been trying to call him but he wasn't answering. I was trying to find him because I missed him so much and I just needed to talk to him. My plan was to take the bus to the hotel, find his car, and wait for him there. I woke up feeling so sad because the truth is I will never see or hear from him again. He is gone. He is dead to me because he chooses to be. I am nothing to him and and the sad truth is I was always nothing to him. Hurts like hell.

That's all I have to say tonight. Was a hurtful day. Don't know if tomorrow will be better.

Hope you are at least have somewhat of better day.

11:35 pm
December 21, 2009

heartbroken1

Active Healing Member

posts 44

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Lost

im so sorry to hear how low you have been feeling, but im right there with you my friend. You and I are roughly the same timings, and i had a couple of extremely bad days in the last few days – really bad. Sat at my counsellor and just bawled and bawled my way thru it. Didnt help, did things to keep busy, didnt help. Listened to music – didnt help. Nothing helped.

And yesterday – my ex emailed me. Saying he was sorry, he missed me, he couldnt believe it ended that way – but then went on to say “so i hope everythign works out for you, im sorry, thanks for everything, cheers”. I was like WHAT THE F**K is that all about? and it brought me crashing back down again – HES SORRY? HE MISSES ME? BUT HERES ANOTHER GOODBYE??????? was that his way of putting his own final closure on it one more time?

and it made me sad, so so sad. And also mad – like – im leaving you alone, so why arent you leaving me alone??????

im totally feeling where you are at – ive tried keepign busy and going out, and same as you, wnet to a birthday last night and two of the women there announced they were pregnant – and i couldnt get excited for them! i know my ex was a vindictive nasty person – but i loved him fully. I thought we had a future, a family, a house and a life we could build – so i felt so alone, completely alone last night, like im the one sticking out like a sore thumb – single AGAIN, miserable, with no hope of fufilling my dreams of having a family. i too left early, excused myself saying i was tired – and i am – i cant sleep and eat still. im just going thru the motions – going to work, doing things that need to be done – but i used to love xmas – now i dread the day coming and passing. I dread being alone ( i will be with family but i will feel alone). i feel like i have failed, and its rocked my self esteem and confidence thru the floor

As i said, im so sorry doll. I cant answr your questions – i have no idea why he would have told you that he loved you, begged for you to take him back, asked you to move and marry him – and then turn around and treat you this way and then go and set up an internet dating profile

have you thought seriously that he could have a mental disorder? because i strongly believe my ex does – he 100% fits the description – especially as they need a narcissistic supply of people adoring them etc – which is how they can move on so quickly. And i googled my heart out – and reading some of that stuff made me sad – but its also given me a little bit of satisfaction – that maybe it all wasnt me? and one day – i hope to wake up and realise NONE OF THIS was me. But that will be a long way off. And all i want to do is ring my ex or email him back – but i dont evn know what to say “thanks for saying goodbye AGAIN” or maybe is this his way of thinking HE has closed this relationship even tho i asked him to go? i could analyse this for weeks and never know – and i wont get truthful answers from him. Especially hearing from mine knowing that i know he went to a sex shop! and i want to blast him for that – but i shouldnt of looked in his mail – and as my brother said “its none of your business, he isnt your boyfriend anymore”. HARSH, very harsh to hear that – but im beginning to realise thats true. He isnt mine anymore. Even tho in a warped way i still want him to be………….

i agree with ouch – we just have to come to terms that this isnt US – its THEM. and they have to be accountable for their own actions. We just need to be accountable for ours and our own integrity – and i realise living with my ex made me lose that integrity and respect i had for myself. I just have to find those back

I didnt do anything wrong, im comfortable with the boundaries i have – im not comfortable that i let him blur those boundaries time and again.

And as ouch said – and i think its so true – we need to take the time to heal ourselves – so we dont let this bad rubbish ever into our lives again. Maybe thats the “lesson” in all this for us – so that if anyone special ever does come along again – we will KNOW they are right – cos they will never treat us this way.and we would be ok with ourselves enough to never let this happen again

i know you are beating yourself up doll, and i dont know what to say to make you stop – except that you tell yourself you didnt deserve this – you know how good you were to him – and you can move on from this with your head held high that you did all you could and fought as hard as you could to make it work. And if he doesnt want that – then why do you want to have that in your life? if he could flip flop as much as he did – imagine if you DID get married and have a family – being left at an older age, with more years and months and hours and minutes passed, divorced with children – would of been so much worse. cos thats what i keep telling myself. I fought for one whole hard long year (our first year was great in my eyes) to keep this relationship going – but the more chances i gave, the more he treated me worse – cos he got away with it. And i “lost” myself – and now feel like an empty shell.

ive decided to take one very small step at a time. Here is the list i made the day after he moved a) get thru my operation (had that). b) get thru the rest of work til i break up for the rest of the year (tomorrow is my last day) c) get thru xmas day and try and make it a happy one – thats still to come d) get thru new years ( i will miss him alot on new years) e) get thru my xmas holidays and time off (i go back to work on the 11th Jan) – thats the small goals i have given myself – and hopefully by the time i go back to work – my head may at least be a bit clearer and i can look at whether i want to move overseas as ive mentioned before. Maybe write yourself some small shorterm goals – even if they are just “get thru” things like ive given myself. It is working in its own small way………

Thinking of you

6:45 pm
December 21, 2009

ouch

Active Healing Member

posts 45

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi, Lost…..

I'm right there with you so I totally get it. How can they move on so fast and be so happy so fast….and we hurt so much.

I totally get where you're at – and nothing that I say will make you realize you're probably a great girl and that his issues have nothing to do with you. I know that it doesn't matter how much others say it - the fact that the man I loved and trusted betrayed me so deeply speaks volumes…..no amount of reassurance helps.

It must get better. It must. Otherwise how could anyone go on.

Someone posted not too long that it we should be taking 6 months to work on ourselves and I agree with that in theory. But it sucks. It sucks. It sucks.

I wish I had more productive advice….but in the end, we need to pick the ones that woo us….that work to earn us…..that's who we deserve.

9:54 pm
December 20, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Heartbroken,

Sorry I didn't write for awhile. I have just been having a really really tough time and couldn't even bring myself to put it in words. So sorry to hear the little “sex shop episode”. What a prick/pervert. I know this probably isn't very comforting to you at the moment, but maybe as you get farther removed from the situation, it will be nice to know that he is a really sick man and who would want to have children and raise a family with someone like that.

I myself am having a little tougher time seeing my ex and the snake that he is and I just don't know why. I mean he did lie to me and cheat on me, but I can't get out of my head all the tender moments that we shared. I keep running them through my head and then asking myself, was it really not real? There were moments when we would pray together and he would be thanking God for the woman that I am, that I was so precious to him, and that he was blessed to have me. Was all that fake? The were moments when he would just look at me so tenderly and in the sweetest tone ever tell me how precious I was. Was all that fake? When he called it off and asked me to let him go and I did, and then he came after me and proposed, he left voicemails on my phone with just his sobbing, saying “What have I done, God what have I done”, and just sobbing for over two minutes. Was all that fake? I just don't understand. I am having a difficult time fusing the monster that he has shown himself to be with the tender man that I was exposed to for the past year. I just can't wrap my mind around.

Then I start thinking, maybe he was this great guy and I just wasn't good enough for him. I just wasn't what he wanted and well, it doesn't always work out. But then I think back to those moments when he would be so tender with me and, NO it didn't seem like he was a guy who was just not that into me. He used to tell me all the time that good women are hard to come by. That they don't just fall off trees. That his 34 years have taught him this and that's why he was so fortunate to have found me. That he didn't want to let me go. I just don't understand it and I wish that someone could please explain it.

I broke down and text him yesterday. Just telling him that there was a lot that I didn't understand. That I just had some questions and I needed some answers. That I didn't want to fight, argue, or beg. That I just simply wanted to understand so that I could get some closure and move on. I asked him to please allow me this opportunity. That if he ever loved me, to not deny me this opportunity for closure. Do you think he even acknowledged my text? Nope. Not even a text back saying I can't talk right now. Nothing. I guess he has already found someone. I feel that his response of silence means that he is already busy with someone else, that I am no longer a concern of his, that he didn't love me at all. It's like I mean nothing to him now. Not even as a person. There are strangers who could get more sympathy from him. He doesn't even treat me as a friend. The shoes on his feet are more important to him than I am. I just don't get it. How could he be so convincing for so long that I was so important to him and not have meant any of it. I just don't understand and the not understanding is KILLING ME!

I tried this week to get out to distract myself. I thought it would help but it just made things worse. Much worse and I don't understand why. I am really confused right now. Instead of getting better I am getting worse and this makes me even more sad. I feel like I am never going to get free of this grief, free of this heartache, free of my desire for him, and i want so bad to be free of all these things. I volunteered Friday and Saturday at my parents church. The church gave away boxes of food and needed help organizing everything and putting everything together. So i went to help, thinking that maybe investing myself in something good would help me heal. That to be around people and be working would help me get over this. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have cried more in the past three days then I have cried throughout this entire ordeal. It didn't help. Not at all, and I don't understand why. It just made me feel worse and even that part I don't understand. Then I forced myself to go to a Christmas party. I was miserable. I saw a lot of friends that I have known since high school. Everyone was either coupled, engaged, married, or with children. EVERYONE…minus three people myself included. It was like a slap in the face. I just felt as if I was being mocked. I kept thinking in my head “I am not supposed to be here. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I am supposed to be in Mississippi with my boyfriend, cuddling up in front of his fireplace, enjoying the Christmas tree lights. I am not supposed to be here”. It was AWFUL!!!! I left after two hours. Came home and just cried and cried and cried and cried.

But do you think my ex is concerned about my well being or how much he has hurt me? Nope. Not at all. I am not even the figment of a thought in his memory. I am NOTHING to him. NOTHING! And I just don't understand how he can do this and still think he is a good person. How he can simply sum it up as to us not being good for one another. That this was like any other relationship that just didn't work out because the partners were not compatible.

Before as this happened I was living and working in New York City at my dream job. I gave all of that up for him. Because according to him he loved me and wanted me to move to Mississippi to be with him. But when it came down to it, he left me jobless, homeless, and loveless. So I had to return to the only place I had to go to at the moment- Back home to my parents place in Arizona. I wish I could switch lives with someone, like in that movie “The Holiday”. I just want to get out and get away. I can't see myself ever finding a man in this place. I lived here for 22 years and never found anyone worthwhile, and when I did, they didn't want anything to do with me. I am not the Arizona type. I don't have blond hair and tan skin; I have black curly hair and I am mixed. I'm not shaped like a barbie doll, I am slender/athletic. I'm not simply sociable; I have a brain, I have thoughts, I like discussion, I have opinions. I am a strong character. Too strong for any men I have come across in Arizona. I just can't see how I will ever find another man that compares to the illusion of a man I fell in love with. I say illusion because apparently he wasn't real. But the man that I fell in love with was ambitious, competitive and thus the best at what he does, intelligent, knew why he believed what he believed, was a big dreamer and had plans to accomplish those dreams, came from a wealthy background and was determined to provide well for himself and family, was really really funny, appeared to be generous, caring, compassionate, loving; was athletic and had the best body, was attractive, had so many interests that I shared….this is the standard now and I just don't know how I am going to find another person like this. I just don't know. Right now, I am not even in a place where I want to start looking, but if that time ever comes where I am healed and want to venture out again, I have no hope that I will even be able to find what I am looking or. Meanwhile, he is in Mississippi and has already found someone that surpasses me. Was I really that awful and forgettable? He used to tell me that I was irreplaceable; that should we break up and he had to start dating again, that I would be that standard that he would hold everyone else to. And he didn't tell me this in the middle of the relationship. He told me this on the 20th of last month. WHAT A LIE!!!! He obviously didn't mean any of that. I was all a lie or in less than two weeks time, I completely changed into a person who was completely replaceable and not worth fighting for. I just DON'T GET IT! And I wan so badly to understand because I want closure and I want to move on. I just don't know how to move past this when I can't even wrap my mind around it, when I can't even understand what the hell happened. I just keeping thinking of how he has so easily forgotten me and replaced me; how easily he has moved on with his life. I just keep thinking about how happy and content he is and it kills me. Really kills me.

And I just don't know what i am going to do or how I am going to get over this. I really thought working and getting myself back into the mode of daily living would help, even in small ways, but it has just made everything worse. I am at a loss. I don't know what to do anymore. I and I am so fearful that I won't be able to get better. It's scary. I don't want to face tomorrow and I don't want to live into today. What do you do when it gets to that point? How do you hope? How do you believe? How do you look to the future with any kind of confidence that things will be okay one day? This is where I am at. Hope you aren't at this point and hope you never get here- where nothing helps.

Lost and desperate…

1:36 am
December 19, 2009

heartbroken1

Active Healing Member

posts 44

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi doll!

i was thinking of you. No, nothing you said has offended me at all

Last night as a xmas present to friends, i babysat their three kids for them so they could both go to her hubby's xmas work function! what a night! long story short – the baby (1yr old – my godson) woke up about 10pm and wasnt sick, was just fully awake and didnt want to go back to bed – fast forward to 1.30am – i was at my wits end! nappy changed, re-fed him, more milk formula, songs, soothing words – nothing worked til i let a little light from the hall into his room and lay down on the bed and eventually he went off to sleep. my mates didnt get home til 3.30am! and i didnt want to stay at theirs the night as i had lots to do today……. so anyways……. i will update you on my situation

well sweets, just like you i found out some MORE info about my ex (i now say ex….) on thurs night i was very low, and same on friday, really was having trouble keepig the tears at bay, tried music, housework – everything (i only work 4day weeks and have fridays off – in the old days that was GREAT – now im thinking i might go back fultime as i dont like this much time on my hands…..) so anyways, this is bad on my part but checked the post, and my ex had his bank stuff sent – i opened it up – and to my horror THE VERY NEXT DAY after we broke up (SUNDAY last week) HE WENT AND SPENT $93 at a sex shop! i was sickened and shocked and thought i was going to faint. here am i, suffering in a twisted pain – and he too has moved on just as yours has…… and clearly going back to his sordid life of group sex etc……… i cant even imagine how much stuff you would have to get to spend $93! and it was so hard to not ring him and tell him what a filthy disgusting f**ker he was……….. i know i shouldnt of opened it

so i was low, so freakin low……… went to my counselling session yesterday and just cried the whole way thru it – but she was awesome – talked alot about how i felt “abandoned” even tho i was the one who ended it and told him to go….. worked thru some of that (not all! and probably not nearly enough as i still feel that way) ANYWAYS she did give me some good info – she feels my ex is a narcissit in the truest form – and narcissits are one of two types – cerebral where they arent particularly interested in sex – or somantic – and love the group and couple sex thing etc

she gave me lots of info on narcissits and i googled my heart out – and i swear to god – my ex is the exact person they describe – no empathy, aggressive, violent, selfish, only interested if its about “them”, do not like their flaws being pointed out….. lots of things, and he is definately the somantic one…… normal people dont do that kind of thing

so as my counsellor said – and all the info ive read so far – narcissistic people will NEVER change – they recommend you leave them because they destroy you – they suck you dry and when they cant cope with you being emotional anymore – they go – and you are never thought of again – straight onto the next person that makes them feel good for a short time

they put up a fake front and reel you in – and you in turn fall in love with them (which they love – not you – but that they “got” you to fall in love with them) and of course in the “in love” phase – you are nice and loving and all about them – whcih they love – but after a few months when you see their true selves and start trying to set your own boundaries – problems occur as they dont want someone giving them shit! and its exactly my ex – all of it – and once they get sick of you – they more than likely cheat as well – anyways, it sounds like yours very well could be this kind of character too- particularly how fast he has moved on – as has mine

and you are absolutely right – dont we deserve so much more? why dont we think we do? why have we given and given and given to these men who have taken notjust the physical things we did – but the love, the emotional, mental and spirit we gave – and then upped and moved on. i cant even work out HOW that is possible – i simply cant even imagine ever being with another man again – and as much as mine hurt me – i knew his body and his physical presence so well – i cant ever imagine feeling that again with another man……….. how could he do this? how could yours do this? how can they not even give us a second thought when we do nothing BUT think of them? you said your hardest time is the mornings – mine is at night – when the lights are out – i think i leave it til im so tired i will just fall asleep – but when i get to bed it overwhelms me again and the good thing is i suppose the tears help get me to sleep.

today i had a good day in that i “reclaimed” my house. I sold alot of stuff when he moved in – so when he left i had a shitty bed and lots of furniture missing and the house didnt feel right – and this was my place before he came and im quite happy at home in my own company – and houseproud – so i didnt like the feeling here and it was making things worse – so over the last few days we have an online trading website – and i brought a new (well second hand but all new to me!) bed, tv, bookcase and stereo – i brought some plants yesterday and potted some pretty girly pink plants in my planters on the deck so it looks like mine again, ive had a big cleanup and feel like the house is back to being “mine” again. It was a mission today! me and my friend literally went all over our city for 5hours picking up the bits i brought and bringing them back in and moving things around – but it was a good process, and i didnt think too much of him while we were so busy. I am lucky that our work has a massive big van that i was able to borrow – its summer here so the moving was sweaty and hard work – but my mate kept me in good spirits and we had a few laughs and when i dropped him off and took the van back – came home and “prettied” it all up and had a shower and now i feel good in a way. i wish in a way he (the ex) could see it – to show him that ive made moves to remove him and his presence from my life – but thats not a good wish i know………

its the memories that get me – of all the things we did and places we went – we had a good relationship in that way – we went out to nice restaurants, we did alot of beach walking and we have alot of mountains in our city and we wrote a list and went to every single mountain and climbed up them. We went on a lot of weekends away and saw alot of concerts and movies – when it was good it was great and it was the first time in my life id thought id finally found someone so “compatible” to me, who took me places – who even dressed in a suit for our anniversary dinners which made me feel very special, a guy who wanted to do the things i did………… its all that good stuff that i have trouble with – i know how disgustinghe was to me – but my mind drifts to the good stuff……….. i need to stop it some how

thats whay coming here is good – if you notice our paragraphs swing from being so in love – to remembering the bad – and i think this is a good thing, a good way to get it out

how are you doing Lost? where are you – im presuming you are in the USA? its saturday night here and one of my favourite movies of all time is on tv – The Notebook – i dont know if you've seen it but its such a beautiful film and a beautiful love story – thats why im on here! so i dont cry all the way thru it!

have you even heard from yours or has he made any contact or you him? thats the bit i struggle with at the mo – i want to ring, text, email – even if its just to fight! and i have to make a big effort not to………… i do struggle with myself about that – i want to tell him how much im hurting……… i want him to hurt like im hurting too – but he isnt

anyways, ive banged on and on about myself more! i hope tonight i get a good sleep on my new bed – cant wait! the other bed was my old spare bed as i sold my nice king size one when he moved in – so its really got on my nerves sleeping on that thing! i even brought a new duvet – so the whole room has changed in look from when we lived together – i changed the furniture around and have tried to make it “mine” instead of the room that was “ours”. So im trying to make progress and im pleased so far

tomorrow i am going to meet my brother for coffee and pop in and see my grandma – so im forcing myself to get out and about.

How are you going? have you gotten in touch with friends? do you ahve support thru this? can you talk to people? i can – i just dont want to – thigns got so bad with him in the end that my friends and family are just glad he's out of my life – they say things like “just needs time, you'll be right” and they dont “get” this pain. Thats why i like coming here – its a rollercoaster – and its weird i know even myself – just how much i miss him and want him home – my heart speaking of course. but today obviously my brain kicked in and said – DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE – he's not coming back! and ive achieved alot in the house today – it looks good. so there is my happiness for the day! even if small, but to me its significant

i hope you had some happiness today Lost……. look forward to your next reply

5:37 pm
December 18, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Heartbroken,

Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I hadn't heard from you for awhile. I just wanted to make sure things were okay…okay as they can be at the moment. I hope nothing I said in my previous message offended you and I'm sorry if it did.

- Lost09

4:09 am
December 17, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Heartbroken,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time today. It must have been really hard to be at the xmas party and have to be struggling with “memory lane” on the inside. It's so hard to hold in the tears. I know. I have had to do it at work countless times when this jerk would start pulling bullls*#t with me. There's nothing like to needing to cry really bad and having to wait 12 hours to do it. It's a killer. I'm really sorry that you had to go through this today. I'm really sorry that you have to go through this at all.

I understand you not wanting to be around people right now. I'm the same way. I have been home with my parents for three weeks now and I have yet to hang out with any of my friends. I just don't want to pretend to be happy right now, and I don't want to see how happy everyone else is. I don't want to have to slap a fake smile on my face. But listen, if you start to loose yourself in all of this, you have to do something to distract yourself from the grief if only for a minute. Go be with friends who will totally let you cry and shout or do whatever and they will be there to be supportive and male-bash with you. Go for a jog and listen to your favorite songs- No! Not the ones that remind you of him. If you believe in prayer (I do) than talk to God. He is there. Just do a little something to break the grief even if it's only for a little while. Those little steps today will help you make slightly bigger ones tomorrow.

Look, grief is like this. You feel a little bit better one day, like you are finally starting to move on and then something happens to remind you of that person and you completely breakdown. This is NORMAL. It's okay. You are going to have these moments. I am going to have these moments, but it doesn't mean we are not moving forward. It just means that we are going through the normal process of grieving. And eventually, these moments will be fewer and farther between. Just take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute for right now. That's all anyone can ask of you.

I know you miss him so much. I completely understand. But honey, what you are wanting is not him. What you are wanting is not this man back. You are just wanting this pain to go away and unfortunately he is the only one who can remedy it at the moment. You just want him back because (yes, you do love him and it is hard to let go) but you are hurting so bad right now that you would do anything to make it stop. And what you know would make it stop is if he would just come back. But he is NOT going to change. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but he is not going to change. And him coming back is just going to prolong the inevitable- him hurting you again. Wouldn't you rather only hurt this badly once and work through it then to have this pain continually started and stopped, started and stopped, started and stopped each time he reaches out and hurts you and then comes back?

As much as it hurts, you have got to let him go. He has done nothing but hurt you. Ya, maybe he has done some nice things here and there, maybe you have shared some really tender moments, maybe you have shared created some great memories, but ask yourself- Is it worth all of this? If you're honest with yourself the answer is NO. I know it's hard to hear this. It's difficult for me to type this. But after having analyzed my own relationship, I have come to this conclusion.

We had our good times. He made me laugh like no other. He was a great lover. We had fun learning medicine together and challenging each other. But that's it…we had fun and good sex. Apart from that we had some tender moments were he told me a bunch of bulls*#t he didn't mean. Oh, and he always opened the door for me and paid for my meals. But that's it. That is all the good stuff. And trust me, none of that is worth this hell that I am living now. If I want to laugh, I can watch a movie or stand up comedy. I'm sure there are men out there who can make love better than him. I can have fun learning medicine on my own. I don't need anyone to sit there are tell me things that may make me feel good in the moment but are only lies in the end. That just hurts me. At the end of the day, I am a big girl and I can open the door for myself. I am a working professional and I can also pay for my meals. I don't need some guy to do it for me and then I have to pay emotionally with a pound of flesh.

Never once did this man put my needs first. Never once did he do something that completely disinterested him, but he wanted to do it because it made me happy. Never once did he truly give when it cost him to do so. HE JUST DIDN'T LOVE ME. IT WASN'T REAL. It was real for me but not for him. Thus, he will never come back to me. He has no reason to. It wasn't real. I never really meant anything to him.

When I sit and ask myself what I really absolutely need in a man this is what comes to mind: I need honesty, faithfulness, compassion, communication, commitment, compromise, strength, respect, honor, and humor. This man had one of these qualities and that's it. He wasn't honest, faithful, compassionate, committed, communicative, strong, respectful, or honorable. He was a cheat, a liar, selfish, uncommitted, unwilling to communicate/compromise, self-absorbed, disrespectful, and dishonorable. Okay, so he was funny, a good kisser, free meals, and totally not worth all the bulls*#t he put me through and is still putting me through.

He's just not worth it. Looking at the cold hard facts, he can't even hold a candle to the qualities I am looking for in a man because he has NONE of them minus one. The best thing I can do for myself is simply let this be the last time he hurts me. This is the best thing that you can do for yourself to at this point. I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for this A**hole to see the light. That ship has sailed and sunk. He may call me one day, he may not, the point is he will not find me waiting for him if he does. I am done. It doesn't mean I am not hurting. It doesn't me that I don't love him. But the truth is…I wasn't in love with him…not the real him anyway. I was in love with the person he lead to believe he was. I was in love with an illusion that he created. The person I was in love with never existed. So I can't sit here waiting for that person to come back to me because that person NEVER existed.

Your ex, just like my ex, is a bad man. And bad men do bad things. And you know what? They will continue to do bad things. They aren't changing because they see nothing wrong with what they have done. He is not worth the spit in your mouth. The bible says not to cast your pearls before swine. Well, honey, you and I are pearls…and we both know what they are. Smile

Yes, just like my ex, he is going to be able to move on without a second thought or a backward glance. Oh he may come back one day, but when he does, it will only be because he wants something from you. It won't be because he loves you and he sees the error of his ways. This is what he will claim but this will not be the truth. He has rid himself of you just as he would trash because you are disposable to him. You are a tool, and once your purpose has been served then he no longer needs to keep you around.

I know this is hard for you to hear. It's hard for me to hear. But these men are not good guys. They are not honorable men. And if we give them the opportunity, they will just use us again, hurt us again, and not give it a second thought. They are liars and they will re-invent history so they can live with themselves and be right in their own eyes.

Let this be the last time he hurts you. Let this be the last time you will ever have to work through this pain because of him. Just think of it. One day will be the last day you EVER cry over him. How great will that be? Work towards that day. That's what I am doing. I am working towards that day when I will shed my last tear for my ex, when what he did will only matter to me for the lessons I learned but not for the ways that I hurt. I grieve today, knowing that one day I won't give a damn where he his, who he's with, if he is thinking about me, or if he's happy. Within my grief I am rejoicing because this is the last time he will hurt me, this is the last time I will be distraught over him. Today is the beginning of the last days that I will ever cry over him, think about him, or desire him. The end begins today. And you know what, I am grateful to be in this place because I never actually had the man I thought I did. I never had the kind, caring, honest man he portrayed himself to be. He was a big FAKE. And I am losing NOTHING in losing him.

Listen, people reap what they sow. Don't thing that one day he won't get what's coming to him. They both will. But guess what, when that day comes it's not even going to matter to you and me…because we are going to be over it. Completely over their sorry lying A**.

So stick with me. You are going to see in color again. We both are. And when we finally do, the colors are going to be so much better than we remembered them to be. The reap what you sow principle applies to us too. We sowed love, forgiveness and lots of it too. Take heart- we will reap what we have sown.

Hang in there. Every day that passes is bringing you closer to the day when you will be okay. And me too.

1:36 am
December 17, 2009

heartbroken1

Active Healing Member

posts 44

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Lost

well, my day has been really low. Back at work at today was our work xmas lunch. But it was at a place here that held significance for me and my ex. A beautiful park/reserve here and it has a nice restaurant/cafe on its grounds. My ex and i along with his family recently spread his nana's ashes at that park, it was the park we had our first date in – and many others, and a park we used to just go walk around on a sunday and have a coffee……….. so i knew the lunch was there and didnt think to much of it – but fortunately after the lunch i had somoething else to do so drove myself. And when i arrived i just bawled and bawled my eyes out. The memories were so strong it was overwhelming. I felt like i wanted to walk the route we used to take just to give me some closeness to him……. i found it incredibly difficult to sit thru lunch, drinks, secret santas, speeches etc without wanting to burst into tears. And fortunately got to make a quiet exit after a couple of hours. I feel stink also – the food was beautiful, the day was beautiful, its my xmas lunch and ive worked hard this year – and him and his memories and what ive lost spoilt it

I came home and lost it, ive had trouble getting myself under control all night!!!!! just when i thought i was doing “ok” ( i knew i was still raw and in incredible pain but fooled myself into thinking i was doing ok!)

tonight also is HIS work xmas function – i was invited to go when i was his girlfriend – but obviously i am not. So ive sat here crying about that too – and thinking horible thoughts about how much fun he will be having – and how i let it spoil my work xmas function. God i feel miserable. Twisted in a horrible pain that i just want out of my body

mine seems to just have walked out – and moved completely on, like i am nothing. i feel like a piece of garbage to him – tossed on teh side of the road – had a purpose once upon a time but once that purpose was served i was scrunched up and flung away, without a second thought. And i KNOW the terrible disgusting things he did, including violence. But right now, as weird and horrible and degrading as it may sound – i want him and would give everything up to make it right

I think being at the park brought back memories of the good stuff, when we had our good times – we were compatible on so many levels. It was his dishonesty and his love of other woman for which we were not……. and in the end, it could no longer be. I know in my head i dont want to be with someone who treated me that way – but in my heart i would give my world to just see him.

i cant ever imagine colour and light and love and happiness every coming back into my world again. I feel like giving up – not suicidally – but just giving in and thinking “this was it” and from now on it will be black – accept it. My grandma is like my mum and been a great source of support – and been ringing me every day to see how i am. She rung me earlier and i picked up the phone with a breaking voice and she knew – so i broke down on the phone to her. She said for me to go to friends (and ive got real life great friends!) or go do something – even a drive – but i cant even bare to leave the house – i feel trapped in my grief. I dont even want to go find “happy” cos right now,i dont believe it exists

She believes he will contact me again – she believes one day he wil feel this too evn if he isnt right now – and i want to cling onto that and believe her so bad – but i know also she doesnt know him like i do and that he wont – and clinging on to any chance he will make contact – let alone make the connection that any of this is his issues and he would work on those – is futile. But i want to believe my grandma……… i just know its not the case

sorry to bang on about myself Lost, just needed a vent and a good cry again

im so extremely sorry to hear about your f**kers dating profile – that is the lowest form of low. I have a feeling mine would do that too – but again, i couldnt bare to see it so wouldnt look…….. i know mine will for sure – its his past history – how he was operating unbeknown to me…….. and as they say “past behaviours dictate future behaviours” and a leopard like him will not change his spots – not when his hunting techniques worked so well for him in the past. And he walked away from this because he could not nor would not change – so why would that aspect of his character change?

im sorry Lost, i have a very dark mood at the moment. I have another counsellign session tomorrow afternoon so im hoping that will give me light and a break of hope

When i said i had the opportunity to move countries – currently i live in New Zealand ( a country you said you would like to move to!) and ive worked in project management roles on construction projects – and a potential opportunity to move to melbourne australia on a new construction project has presented itself. My best mate just moved over there in july – she is a nurse and loves it and moved away for her own personal reasons – and in a few short months has made a great life for herself. Soi could move over there and live with her (we've lived together before and it was great) plus if i went with the construction project – id be working with other people and friends i have made here in NZ previously. So yea, sorry, thats it to explain it

BUT – i wont know more about it til the new year – plus as much as i hate admitting it – but why not! im sure we are all in the same boat despite being hurt so much – i hold out hope this can be fixed. Logically i cannot see how – so maybe in teh new year my head will have got the message and be ready to move on! but right now, my life is being totatlly dictated to by my heart – and my heart is saying STAY STILL DONT MOVE, DONT SAY ANYTHING – AND MAYBE HE MIGHT COME BACK…….

god, its pathetic isnt it

sorry this was all about me tonight. im sorry to hear your news and reading yuor posts just breaks my heart over again – knowing you are going thru and feeling the same thigns as me – with a f**ker that is so hurtful, not taking responsibility and wont change. That have chewed us up and spat us out. Tricked and fooled us into thinking they were worth it – then moved on as if the time gone meant nothing. And now moving onto looking for other women? well, as i said, my heart broke for you to read that

I hope to be more positive in my post tomorrow – after my session.

Hold strong!

5:50 pm
December 16, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

So guess what I found today….that's right is online dating profile. He has already moved on and it hasn't even been 10 days. What a real jerk. And he wanted to emphasize to me that he didn't use me and he didn't play me. Ya, right. I can see how much the relationship meant to him. He's really torn over the whole ordeal.

2:23 pm
December 16, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Heartbroken,

Hope today is somewhat of a better day for you even if it's just for a moment that you feel better…if that's possible right now. I know sometimes I have these moments like after a good cry, or while watching a really funny movie, or just whenever, when things don't hurt quite as bad. These moments are few and they never last long but I am so thankful for the temporary relief they provide. At first I would just get worried when I had these moments. Worried about when the next flood of pain would come, what would I do, how much would it hurt. But then I realized that I just have to take advantage of these priceless moments. They are all I have right now. I hope you are finding a few precious moments within the midst of your grief. It's like beginning able to breath…at least for a little while.

They ARE so hypocritical. I just don't get it. I mean my ex prides himself about what a good Catholic he is. What about his behavior has been so godly? Well, he made a point to tell me in his farewell email (ya, that's right he broke up with me in an email. And I could only call him after the email if I wasn't going to cry, try to change his mind, plead, or be angry. So bascially, I wasn't allowed to call him at all after reading his email. Like we both know, it's all about them, right? They have to unload and when they are done and they have gotten the closure they desire then they are thru with us). Anyways, where was I….oh, yes, he made a point to say that even though I may call him a non-Christian, he is a good Catholic who loves God. I guess he forgot that whole part about loving your neighbor as your self. He missed that one apparently. But hey, who am I to judge…He is a good Catholic. I could spit!

I hear ya about all the stress and worry taking a toll on your health. I was always so stressed in this relationship. A lot of anxiety that if I did anything to displease him that that would be the end of it and he would leave me. Over the duration of this relationship and subsequent end, I have started grinding my teeth at night and my hair has been falling out in clumps (CLUMPS!). I have been to two specialist and no one can tell me what exactly is causing it…well, I know- my EX!!!! What an A**hole! Seriously. You think his hair is falling out? You think he is losing any sleep right now? You think he is grinding he teeth at night? Hell no! I wake up with jaw pain now.

I know. All his lying and the fact that he remained in this relationship when he really didn't want to is all my fault as well. Because apparently when he was trying to break-up (and mind you…he never just came out with it and said he wanted to break-up. I was always under the impression that he was being honest with me about issues he had so we could work it out), anyways, whenever he was trying to break-up with me he never could because I would cry so then he would just tell me what I wanted to hear (i.e. lie). Ya, it was my fault too. Mind you, when he broke it off the two times in the beginning, I let him go…and he came back. When we first started dating, I wanted to just be friends and take it slower…and he accused me of playing mind games with him. When he broke it off in the middle of the relationship, I let him go…and he came back. When he broke it off near the end of the relationship, I let him go…and he came back…and then proposed. But ya, it was me. I was the one who just kept holding on and wouldn't let him go. Granted, all the other times we broke it off…I did come after him. BUT I'm the one who broke up with him, so it only makes sense that I would be the one to go after him. And if he was so dead set on getting out of a relationship with me, then he should have just told me no, or not answered my phone calls when I called him wanting to work it out. But ya, it was all my fault. I was just not letting the 34 year old man do what he wanted to do. Because I have some apparent authority over him that I am unaware of.

It's good to hear that work serves as a suitable distraction. I hope it works for me as well. I am sick and tired of running it thru my head over and over and over again, but i just can't seem to stop. I am afraid to go back to work. I am afraid that I won't be able to concentrate, that I will burst into tears, that I will compromise my professionalism or worse a patient's life. I really need to get it together because I can't afford to do that. I've already made a mess of my career as it is. Do you realize that I gave up my dream job for this jerk? That's right! I was fortunate enough to land my dream job right out of school. Perfect staff, perfect opportunity, perfect learning environment, the top of the field, perfect hours, perfect scheduling, perfect experience. Gave it all up for him because he needed and wanted me sooooo much. Because he was so in love and I had come to be so important to him. What a load of crap.

The time alone can be good but you are going to have to make it good. It can go either way…it can be good or bad. You have to choose. I'm kinda alone right now. No job, haven't been hanging out with any friends. I have just been trying to collect myself. So, ya the time alone is good to just grieve, get back to taking care of your body, cry when you want to, try and let things go. But, don't withdraw too much because you might get lost there.

I think you said that you might have the opportunity to leave the country (I was little confused on that point). It could be good for you. You could be away from all the things that trigger memories of him. It might help you let go faster. But I don't know. If you have a great support system where you are, it might be better to stay. But I think leaving the country is definitely something to consider. I guess it depends on where you would be going and what you would be leaving.

If I had the opportunity to go to someplace like…I don't know England, Australia, Ireland, Scotland, New Zealand…etc, I would probably take it. But I am stuck back at home with my parents. It's like I haven't made any progress in 3 years. I was so excited to be moving closer to my boyfriend. I felt like I was finally getting to the place where I would be living something of a normal life. I would finally be out of school and actually working a real job. And i would finally be living in the same city as my boyfriend. I have had nothing but long distance relationships since high school. I just wanted to live in the same city as my boyfriend for crying out loud. I am so mad at him! I was moving without an engagement just like he wanted and then he just freaked out and ruined everything. Absolutely everything. Now that I have to find a new job here, there is no way that I could move to be close to him for the next two years (at the least). You see, since I left my last job before one year, I have to stay at this next job for over a year. He ruined everything. Even the possibility of us getting back together in the future because if I know anything about long distance relationships, it's that they don't last. But I guess that wasn't a concern of his since he wasn't sure about me, never was, doesn't want to marry me, and has only been trying to break up with me for the duration of our relationship.

The no contact thing is REALLY hard. It's like he has died. But it is probably better this way. God knows if he did contact me none of the answers or explanations would really make it better. I would probably just have to sit through and listen while he rationalized his behavior and explained to me how we were so wrong for each other from the start and how I just need to stop being so obsessed and let him go, how this is the best thing for both of us. Worse yet, since our relationship meant nothing to him, I really don't want to hear how he is moving smoothly along with the rest of his life, how everything is great, god forbid I have to hear about the new girl he is chasing. Yes, the no contact thing is hard. I feel like he just died. But I think that talking with him would just be like pouring salt and vinegar on a fresh wound.

I am hurting enough. No need to make it worse.

Hang in there Heartbroken. We will get through this and be the better for it. We have no other choice. Life goes on and we must go with it. I just wish that life didn't have to hurt so much at times. Look forward to your next post. It really does help to know that there is someone out there who honestly gets it.

1:15 am
December 16, 2009

heartbroken1

Active Healing Member

posts 44

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Hi Lost

thanks for your message.

Yes he was a pig – and the funny thing is i found contact he had with a “female friend” where he was asking her to take A WHOLE DAY OFF WORK!!!! so they could spend it together when he was off work redundant for 3months this year. He had never told me she was even a mate til i found the email (we'd been living together a year and he'd never mentioned her name….) nor had he told her about me. But get this – his reason he reckons for wanting to “catch up” with her was that she was a friend from “the past” and her boyfriend had hit her back then and she had gone to him for support – so i threw that in his face bigtime! like you can support this skank – but then hit me? are you FARKN SERIOUS!!!!

thats how f**ked up he is/was. He dosnt see – just like yours – how f**king hypocritcal they are.

Yes – everything was my fault – like i made him cheat, and lie and have such a seedy immoral past – yep! that was certainly all my fault

mine just clearly didnt like beign caught out – and when i say caught out – as you read my story – it was just once, twice or even three times – it was continuous – right up til the weekend before last i found out more. And the more i found the sicker physcially i became. The stress, worry and feelings it made me feel really have taken its toll

And now, being alone – im not sleeping as you do. I do the same doll! i stay up for as long as i can, sometimes 2-3am lately. So i suffered abit being back at work today

but work was good – it certainly did take my mind off things and so ive decided to do one bit at a time. Small baby steps. he left saturday and monday i knew i was going in for my operation (i had high grade precancerous cervical cells which were removed). So i got thru that – whcih was pretty unpleasant but i just kept telling myself – maybe getting rid of him and getting rid of these bad cells within a couple of days of each other is just like me fully getting rid of him – of all the bad – and now things can be good in time. Maybe……… i just cant see it. So my next step is to finish up work for the year – finish next weds. then my next step is get thru xmas day (my family are cool but i had his presents and everything – i thought like a fool we would still be together for xmas). And then the next step is getting thru my time off work – go back 11th Jan. So maybe the time off will do me some good – even if i am alone.

And as ive said before – ive always been a strong independant person – so getting used to my own company is important again. Plus i just brought a new bed and tv – i was really pissed off he left with what he came into the relationship with – and that i sold MY possessions when we merged houses – him coming to live with me in MY home – (never again!) including my nice comfy bed……. and tv, and stereo, and microwave, and furniture like cabinets, even my iron and ironing board! so thats little steps for me too – to build it back up again and make things here my own again. Cos this place feels empy at the moment. Im glad to be alone to be honest as i feel so low i dont want to be putting this on others, plus feeling quite tender and sore from my operation…… i feel like i want to be alone

i have my counsellign session on friday – so hopefully that might help some more. I agree its expensive, im unsure if i can afford to continue – but right now, i dont want to be living on air and depression also, i dont want to end up on an antidepressant over some filthy lying f**ker like him – i dont want to waste my life away as i know he isnt wasting his away and no doubt is back on the internet like he was before we got together (and while we got together!) with his profiles and going hard! no grieving or sitting at home in his pj's like i have been, no cyring and analysing “what went wrong” like i am, no sorries or i wish i hadnt hurt you or i want you back like i have been doing………. II cant stop thinking about it all, round and round my head. I want some tools to help me get thru this really shitty low period – and so i will go to this and its the last one for this year anyways as the counsellor is going on holiday til Jan – and i can re-assess how i get thru my next little steps – and if i think im doing ok then maybe i can do this on my own.

I have the possibility of even moving country next year – but im not letting myself think that far ahead just yet – just do my next few little steps, one by one – and hopefully before i know it – a new year is here and im feeling in a much better space and place than i am now…………..

however right now, im at the exact same stage as you Lost. I am analysing every single thing, all the good, bad, all that was said, all that was done, that he laid the blame at my feet adn took and still takes no responsibility…….. as i said – round and round. I ahve to force myself to eat also. Dont feel hungry. I feel tired, so tired BUT when i go to bed i cant sleep……..

i know i deserve better than this, you know YOU deserve better than this. Its hard having NO contact, i want to email, ring and text him all at the same time. I want to cry and tell him i miss him and i want to yell at him and tell him what a pig he is – all at the same time. So coming on here and stoppign myself and writing stuff out is really helping. My head is like a washing machine

He was meant to come today when i wasnt home to collect a couple more things left outside – but he didnt. Which just shows how much he has already given up and gone and moved on………. i dont even factor anymore. And i was nervous just driving home – thinking maybe he might of waited for me to gt home to talk to me – well it was gutting to see he hadnt even been! again, me, this, us – our whole life for the past 2 years – meant nothing. No contact to say WHY. and i have to keep myself occupied so i dont contact him to find out why – i feel like i just want an excuse to make contact – but to even find out he has moved on will kill me – so its best left i dont

anyways Lost – good to hear from you again. Thanks for venting and also hearing mine

I will be back tomorrow to see how you are getting on!

7:57 pm
December 15, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Heartbroken,

I keep thinking about your story and I just can't believe what a jerk that guy was to you. I mean to get physical like that. He obviously has no self control or character, but let me guess “you” were the problem in the relationship right? What an A**. He can't even apologize. NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. If he could do that to you now, it would have only gotten worse. Hard to hear, but the truth. I'm the pot calling the kettle black though. I am just like you, thinking that I if I could just love this man well enough, then he would have a reason to change. He would see the treasure that he has in me and he would do anything to not loose me. I tried to do the same thing to keep my guy. I gave, loved, compromised, changed, everything. Hoping that if he saw what a good thing I was and that I sincerely loved him that he would treasure and trust me. But we can't change them. They are the only ones who can change themselves and they will only change when they are ready to change. Like you, I just thought I could be the thing to make him ready. I'm really sorry that you are going through this. But it is nice to have someone who understands.

-Lost

3:05 pm
December 15, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

Ya, Heartbroken, sucks to be us right now doesn't it? I'm so sorry to hear what an A** this guy was. I just don't understand how people can be so apathetic towards another individual and the pain they are inflicting on them. And then to turn it around like it was something they did. My jerk likes to blame his decision on the “volatility” of our relationship, on the both of us, as if we both contributed. But I kid you not most of our fights since after January had to do with his constant changing. It was as if as soon as I started to feel like I could trust him, he would do another 180 again and completely pull the rug out for under me. All the while, it would be my fault that he felt so insecure in our relationship: i.e. I was too argumentative, I was pressuring him for marriage, I was demanding too much of his time, I was keeping my options open, etc….

Do you know that while he was busy meeting with his ex-fiance and kissing her (apparently getting closure), he was raking me through the coals because I talked to a classmate of mine who happened to be a guy. I mean making me cry and everything. So, I apologized profusely. Asked for forgiveness and told him that if he didn't want me to talk to my friend anymore than I wouldn't because he came first. All the while he was busy going out with this ex-fiance to get closure. Why he felt the need to kiss her in order to get closure I don't know. Why he didn't tell me had done this only makes me feel as if it wasn't about closure, because if it was just closer than what would there be to hide? I had always told him that I didn't care if he kept in touch with his ex-fiance, they have known each other since high school and they were together for five years. I get that you can be friends afterward when you have so much history together. All I ever asked of him would that he would tell me if he ever had contact with her and if he ever met her in person that he would do it with me present. He agreed, but obviously he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. What a jerk.

In october I was talking to him on the phone and I was telling him that “Ya!” my period came so we didn't have to worry. He made a comment that he didn't know that I worried about it. I said of course I did. I don't ever want him to resent me or a child I may have. I told him it would just complicate everything. He told me that he would be “overjoyed” if I unexpectedly got pregnant. Yet, with everything he told me the last time I saw him, he has never been sure about me and never wanted to marry me and everything he told me he just told me to tell me what I wanted to hear and make me stop crying? Well, here is a perfect example, where I wasn't crying. I wasn't upset. In fact I was happy and he felt the need to feed me some bulls*$t line? Who does that? I mean how sick and twisted to you have to be? I don't get it.

Oh and about sleeping with the ex-girlfriend, he lied about that for an entire year. And I used to beg him never to cheat on me. And you know what would happen? He would get mad at me for thinking that he would cheat!! Mean while he already had cheated and was lying about the entire thing. He told me that he lied because he didn't want to loose me. At the same time he tells me that he has been trying to break up with me over and over again, but I just keep tenaciously holding on. All he had to do was tell me that he cheated and he has been lying for the passed year just because he wanted to. But when he finally came clean, he told me that he slept with her because we were fighting and he was sure we were going to break up, that she seduced him, that is was a mistake, that he would never do it again, that he didn't tell me for an entire year and lied about it because HE DIDN'T WANT TO LOOSE ME. And this is the man who turned the tables on the 5th and told me that I am obsessed and crazy and he has been trying to break-up but I won't let him go. I love how history so easily changes with him. It conveniently changes every time he does. Ugh! An entire year of this crap, but the reason our relationship was so unstable had nothing to do with his inconsistent behavior and simply had to do with the fact that we are incompatible and don't get along.

Today, I just woke up feeling so sad. Like I said the mornings are the worst for me. I was dreaming about flying to go see him and he was yelling at me for texting him. Bad night. I just woke up missing him terribly. It's like he died and the last things we said to each other were in anger. It really is like he has died. I don't hear from him at all. It's been 10 days. Nothing but silence. I don't even think he is missing me. He has his work and his friends. And apparently I didn't mean all that much to him anyway.

But he considers himself a good guy. I think the only mistake he admits to is asking me to move when he was so unsure and then being so inconsistent. But it doesn't seem to bother him that he is wrong. It's like, “I'm sorry, I said I was sorry, deal with it”. When I am sorry, I try to fix what I have broken or messed up. I don't just walk away. I make amends. Any one can say they are sorry, but to show true repentance is to change. Well his idea of change is to just push me out of the picture and unload his burden. It's not actually fixing his behavior and character and making right all the wrong he has done. Do you believe he tried to hand me a measly $300 as I was walking out his door. I told him to keep his money and asked him if he just wanted to feel good about the fact that he has paid his whore.

I want to go to therapy. I just don't know where to go or if I could even afford it at this point. I don't think even the therapist would be able to explain his behavior, but maybe they would be able to help me let go. I just want to let go at this point. I am tired of crying multiple times a day. I am tired of forcing myself to eat. I am tired of being afraid to wake-up because then I will remember. I try to stay up as late as possible. Until I am exhausted so then I don't think about him too long before I fall asleep. I also stay up so long because I abhor the waking up part.

The first thing I do every morning is just pray and cry. It's horrible. I just want to let go of him. I don't want him to matter. And to tell you the truth I don't know why he should matter. Look at everything he has done to me. He manipulated me for an entire year just to get what he wanted and then threw me out with the trash when he was through. I just want to let him go emotionally and mentally. I just don't know how to do it.

I really wish I had some remedy to offer you but I can barely help myself at the moment. Every hour/minute is a struggle. Talking with you helps though. I appreciate that there is someone who is going through the same and wants to share. I'll be waiting to hear back from you. I read your story…and I really am sorry that happened to you. I will keep you in my prayers.

3:58 am
December 15, 2009

heartbroken1

Active Healing Member

posts 44

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

wow Lost

we are almost like the same woman!

i did the same. me and mine lived together – i did everything – absolutely everything int eh house like a loser! i cooked all the meals, did the shopping, paid the bills, did all the cleanig and laundry even mowed the lawns! you name it, i did it. When it came to organising stuff for us to do – i did all that too – even going to visit his parents. Trips away when things seemed to be getting low. If i thought he was more stressed out than usual – id give massages………… i stopped seeing friends and just gave this relationship every single thing i had – EVEN THO THIS F**KER CHEATED ON ME! CONTINUALLY LIED TO ME AND DECEIVED ME, HID THINGS FROM ME, EXCLUDED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and in the end – he even assaulted me and i had to call the police! and i still would have the wanker back in a heartbeat! so i ask myself the exact same question as you – what is wrong with me!!!!!!!!! i wish i knew the answer. Its so confusing that im even going to see a counsellor. Why i think im not worth more

i forgave and compromised and changed also – but the more i did the less he put in.

Mine had an aggressive temper tho – very quick to anger and it was explosive when he did – so it was hard to talk to him about issues cos even tho he f**ked up – he acted like “well, you've taken me back so you better forget it happened”, and the sickening thing is that if it was just once, then yea maybe, but im talking about a year of full on sh!t that just kept coming, wave after wave. And i turned into a person i wasnt either – mistrustful and suspicious – behaviours i had never been in relationships before either. Same as you – he would storm out me so id blow up his phone too – and the more i was ignored the more desperate i became. So id accept him back after what he had done. Again, why do i think so lowly of myself that i didnt deserve more?

so im the same as you – if that wasnt enough, if all i did and stood by him thru wasnt enought – then what the hell was ever going to be?

im a professional woman! a good job, nice house, good family. The worst part since breaking up is when i told my dad – and my dad was saying “well we think hes a good guy are you sure??” so i told him some of it – id been protecting this f**ker from my family and friends as i didnt want them thinking bad of him. I carried the burden alone (read my story – my thread is called EMPTY on this forum). I carried it alone, went to work and just carried on, and it made me sick – physcially with chronic headaches and tired all the time………. from worry and stress. I couldnt (even worse now) concentrate on anything but him…… but im a manager in a good company here, good friends some of whom have been in my life for over 20yrs. And i cant even remember what was important to me before he came along – where did i find my joy and fun? what did i like to do? what did make me happy? what was important? i want the answers to those questions so i can rebuild my life

i even lost alot of possessions in the split – for some reason like a dope – we sold off MY excess items when we moved into together (him moving into my home) so he got to walk out of here on saturday wth everyting he came in with PLUS our big 46″ LCD TV (yay woopee for me – i got the fridge we brought together). Luckily i had a smal double bed in the spare room so i have something to sleep on – but i feel jipped and so angry about that too

i feel like hes just packed up and gone off and this all meant nothing – and im broken and empty and cant figure out how to pick up the pieces. When once i was a strong woman, i feel like im 16yrs old again and so fogged up in my head i cant make out which way is up or down – what the hell do i do now? we had plans for the next year. Im grieving for all that is lost in the future also

As i said Lost, i dont know what the answers are, but im a woman who is goign thru the complete same situation as you. Questioning why i wasnt good enough, why i dont think i could do better……… and i want to work on that – not him anymore – i want to feel like a better person, that i deserve more. I just need to get past the constant thoughts of him. Im not sleeping at the mo, or eating. To be honest, i didnt even get out of my pjs today or brush my hair! i did have a small operation yesterday but that makes me feel worse – taht he should of been here to help me and support me – and instead i think about all the things he is getting up to. I dont think honestly he has even taken the time to sit around and feel bad about this. He was just like your guy – everything became my fault – even tho i have emails, credit card statements, phone accounts (i took copies of them to prove i wasnt crazy!) to prove it wsnt my fault – all i did wrong was find it (followed a gut instinct) and confront him….

i know i didnt do anything wrong. I know i am a good person adn it wasnt my morals in question. I know im honest and gave him everythign i had. I just want to shake him tho til he sees it was HIS mistakes that caused this, but thats not gonna happen and thats the bit i need to get past, cos im never gonna get answers

I will come on here daily and lets have updates with how we are. Im back at work tomorrow and dont feel like it – but maybe it might take my mind off it for a few hours

Keep strong. You sound like a great person to do all you did for him. Any decent man would never put anyone through that. Dont bring yourself down, have faith that you did all you could and tried to fix it and change it. Its him with the problems, not you. Unfortunately you are just left with the mess to clean up, and for that i feel extremely sympathetic for you.

take care til our next post

3:29 am
December 15, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

heartbroken1 said:

wow Lost

i dont know what to say, i read your whole post, cos i posted a big one in the last few days too.

And as someone who replied to me said – this guy is a pig

im sorry, but this applies to your situation also. I dont know the answer but for him to absolutely devestate your life like that – to propose then withdraw it, to ask you to move and for all you gave up for him – well im blown away

ive been thru something very similar – in that “the love of my life” cheated, lied and deceived and i was too of the same opinion as you – believed in second (and third and fourth and fifth) chances, and just hoped one day he would wake up and see how much i loved him and put up a fight for the relationship

but he didnt. he walked out on me on saturday and nothing since. i feel like an empty shell. That i stood by him thru so much and i meant nothing

he too used to say even when arguing – you are an amazing woman BUT………. there was always a but………. he just expected trust handed to him on a silver platter – and with the things he did to me i found it hard to just give it when he didnt earn it

all i can say is you dont deserve this, none of us did. We love far to much, we have given our hearts and souls to the wrong men. We deserve so much more

but as i said in my last post of my story – the hard part is that the person that has hurt us the most, seems to be the only person we want and is able to fix it

im sorry i cant shed any light on it, but i am in absolute sympathy with you and your situation

Ive decided to try and move on – and if he wants me then he will have to really step up and fight for me. And if he doesnt, then i have to accept that this was not mean to be

the ironic thing is i have just started counselling – and even my counsellor said “isnt it ironic that you are in counselling and he isnt” meaning he caused all these issues and IM THE ONE seeking help!

it hurts me to the core that he is probably already out and about, unpacked into his new life and im long forgotten. I dont know how to stop those thoughts and feelings. I want the world to stop and i want to get off this ride for a while……..

stay strong Lost, one day there may be a light for us at the end of this tunnel. As my mate said today remember “this too shall pass”. You sound like a switched on lady. I thought i was too. Isnt it sad that before these f**kers came in and destroyed our lives how “together” we were. And how they can come in and just devastate absolutely everything

x

Thanks. Nice to know someone can relate. Nice to know that someone besides myself thinks that what this guy did is pure crap. Nice to know that you acknowledge how he messed up my life. According to him, it's not that bad. But if his residency was to be compromised…well that would just have “lethal effects” (I quote). What a charmer right? But he had me, my parents, his parents, everyone convinced that I was the one and then just like that, changed his mind.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru something similar. I would never want to wish this on anybody. Not even him. As you said, what makes this so difficult is I just want him to fix it. I am so hurt and yes angry, but if he was truly repentant, I would take him back. How sick is that? I wish I hated him, but I don't. While it wasn't real for him…the commitment and decision to love him was plenty real for me and it's just so hard to let go. I see the amazing man he is minus this very big issue. I just feel like if I was the right girl, if I was just better than I am, then he would change because losing me would matter to him. I can't help but think that at the end of the day I just didn't mean that much to him because…well, he can find better. What a depressing thought. But really, what am I supposed to think when he can just so easily walk away from everything. I haven't heard from him in two weeks and have no reason to believe that I ever will again.

So sad because not only was he the love of my life, he was my best friend. I have lost them both all at once. Hurts like hell.

You're right. I did have my stuff together before this jerk came along. Never in my life have I behaved with a man the way I did with him. I don't know why I loved him so hard and so strong I just did. It was like it was innately placed there. I don't know. But I just loved this man. I was always the first to apologize. Always trying to work on myself and change. When we would be fighting and he would decide to just ignore me, I would blow up his phone. I just couldn't help it. I would try to focus on other things. I would try to sleep, pray, anything, but I just couldn't until the issue was resolved. I just always felt, throughout the entire relationship, that he was always on the verge of leaving me. I use to just tell myself I was programmed to think this because of what happened in the beginning. But after everything, I guess I was somewhere picking up on the fact that none of it was real to him. I don't know.

Funny thing is I never behaved like this with any other boyfriend. Of course, no other boyfriends of mine would voluntarily just ignore me. But he did all the time. In fact, my last boyfriend (of two years) lived in Germany. I didn't even have his number the entire time we were together. He did all the calling and I was fine with it.

This man just completely drove me crazy…literally and I really don't understand why. I guess it was because he was everything I wanted and more. I felt so blessed and lucky to have caught his eye. But that was all I captured because I sure as hell didn't capture his heart.

Sorry, I'm just venting. I mean, when i would visit him, I would clean his house and do his landurary (sp?), just because I knew he was busy and I wanted to make it a little easier for him.

I am just so aggravated at how he turned everything on me. He reduced me to this obsessed, crazy girl that he was just trying to get away from because I was being disruptive to his residency. This makes me so made because I was the one who was agreeing to move without an engagement. I was coming…no problem. He is the one who started freaking out. But he has reduced our relationship to a roller-coaster ride. How to have a stable relationship with the likes of him is anyone's guess.

I completely share the feeling of wanting to get off this ride we call life. The worse time for me is the morning…when I have to remember it all. I escape it when I sleep (if I don't dream about him), but then in the morning reality sets in all over again. I should have never given him my number. I will always regret this. I think back now, and there is not one part of the relationship that makes what I am going through right now worth while. How sad is that?

12:36 am
December 15, 2009

heartbroken1

Active Healing Member

posts 44

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

wow Lost

i dont know what to say, i read your whole post, cos i posted a big one in the last few days too.

And as someone who replied to me said – this guy is a pig

im sorry, but this applies to your situation also. I dont know the answer but for him to absolutely devestate your life like that – to propose then withdraw it, to ask you to move and for all you gave up for him – well im blown away

ive been thru something very similar – in that “the love of my life” cheated, lied and deceived and i was too of the same opinion as you – believed in second (and third and fourth and fifth) chances, and just hoped one day he would wake up and see how much i loved him and put up a fight for the relationship

but he didnt. he walked out on me on saturday and nothing since. i feel like an empty shell. That i stood by him thru so much and i meant nothing

he too used to say even when arguing – you are an amazing woman BUT………. there was always a but………. he just expected trust handed to him on a silver platter – and with the things he did to me i found it hard to just give it when he didnt earn it

all i can say is you dont deserve this, none of us did. We love far to much, we have given our hearts and souls to the wrong men. We deserve so much more

but as i said in my last post of my story – the hard part is that the person that has hurt us the most, seems to be the only person we want and is able to fix it

im sorry i cant shed any light on it, but i am in absolute sympathy with you and your situation

Ive decided to try and move on – and if he wants me then he will have to really step up and fight for me. And if he doesnt, then i have to accept that this was not mean to be

the ironic thing is i have just started counselling – and even my counsellor said “isnt it ironic that you are in counselling and he isnt” meaning he caused all these issues and IM THE ONE seeking help!

it hurts me to the core that he is probably already out and about, unpacked into his new life and im long forgotten. I dont know how to stop those thoughts and feelings. I want the world to stop and i want to get off this ride for a while……..

stay strong Lost, one day there may be a light for us at the end of this tunnel. As my mate said today remember “this too shall pass”. You sound like a switched on lady. I thought i was too. Isnt it sad that before these f**kers came in and destroyed our lives how “together” we were. And how they can come in and just devastate absolutely everything

12:01 am
December 15, 2009

lost09

Super Active Healing Member

posts 92

Quote and Reply

Print this Post

I am just simply looking for an explanation. I guess a clarification of what the hell happened. I met this guy in July 08. He and I are both in the medical profession and we met in the ER. He is 9 years my senior. My last day working the ER I gave him my number. He had flirted with me a little bit and I was just at a place in my life where I had never given a guy my number without being asked and I just wanted to do it just to say that I did. If he called great, if not it was no sweat off my back. Well, he called the next day, we talked for six hours, and we agreed to hang out that weekend. It was a nice date. He made the first move for the kiss and well, we clicked. For the next three weeks, we hung out and talked a lot. We would argue about such things as religion, pre-martial sex, whether or not men can be trusted. Some of the discussions could get pretty heated. I was okay with it. I come from a family where to discuss and still disagree is not a sin. It's what makes you interesting. He on the other hand was very uncomfortable about all the arguing. At the same time, I was informed by him that he was recently coming out of a relationship. I didn't hold it against him, as I myself had just ended a relationship about 2 months before. During these initial three weeks, I made a point to ask him if he was still involved with his ex and if he wanted to be involved with her- he answered no on both accounts. Anyways, after three weeks, I got an email from him one day after one of our “arguments” telling me that he didn't think it was going to work out between us and he was wanted to work things out with his girlfriend. I was crushed. Why it affected me so much, I couldn't tell you to this day. I had only known the guy 3 weeks for crying out loud. I guess he was just the first guy I had come across who paid attention to me and who I didn't have to convince myself I like. I simply liked him. It was easy. Anyways, I wrote him back disagreeing with some of his insinuations and accusations. But I let him go. If that was what he wanted than fine. About a week or two later he contacted me again. We talked for awhile and then in a week's time or so, he pulled the same crap again. Breaking it off telling me that he loved his girlfriend, wanted to work things out with her, etc…

Basically, he did this back and forth thing for two months. I eventually wrote him an email detailing my honest feelings. He was pretty pissed off by what I had to say, but I was simply trying to be honest with him and tell him how things appeared to me. I was being honest and giving him a chance to reply. After a week of silence I wrote him and told him that I was just being honest so we could clear the air and be friends. Obviously, he didn't want that and that was okay. He wrote me back, telling me he just didn't know what else to say and he would like to talk sometime and catch up. I called him the next day and we made plans to meet. The next time we saw each other he basically apologized for going back and forth with me for the last 2 months and asked for a second chance. Since I am a firm believer in second chances…I gave in.

Please, keep reading, it does get more serious than this. I just feel like i have to lay it all out if I am expecting anyone to make any sense of what eventually happened. So, we decided to be a couple. Initially, I thought it was all happening too fast, so I asked if would could slow down and just be friends for awhile. He wrote me this lengthy email about how I was just trying to play mind games with him and he didn't appreciate it. He made a point of emphasizing that he was fighting for me, since up until that point, he had always been so whishy-washy. So, I just agreed to be his girlfriend and we left it at that.

Because of everything that happened in the relationship up until this point, I was always feeling as if he would leave should I upset him too much or should we argue to frequently. Since I am a person who often sees my own faults. I could easily see where he had a point and worked hard to change myself. Eventually, all the arguing and bickering got better. I improved at giving him his space to think about things and then we would come together and talk about it. All the while, he was working on trying not to default to “let's break-up” every time we had a disagreement.

So, that year was a stressful time for both of us. I was graduating, studying for my certification exam, relocating, and finding a new job. He was finishing med school and applying for residency. So we were both under A LOT of pressure to say the least. I think this hurt our relationship tremendously during these crucial months when we were building our relationship. Because we were both so stressed, fights broke out easily, usually over how much time we spent together or issues about relationships. He is off the impression that society caters to women, that men get the short hand and this is why they are so apprehensive about marriage. What he is talking about is this: a man marries a woman, she becomes the B*@#H from hell, but the man can't divorce her because then she will get all of his money. I myself, have a mother who was cheated on by her previous two husbands. And although they were doctors, she never got a penny of child support for her four children. So coming from this background, I would argue that I understand why such rules are in place to protect women…and around and around we'd go. If the arguing wasn't improving, I don't think I would have stayed in the relationship and I don't think he would either.

But then, one fateful night we had the argument of all arguments. It was his birthday weekend, and we had started arguing on Thursday because I started talking about a show I had seen about why men cheat. This lead the the usual argument about the dangers of marriage for a man. By Friday we had worked it out and although things were still fresh, I didn't want to miss out on his B-day, so I told him to come get me so we could hang out. To make a long story short (because none of this has been short), he basically spent the night ignoring me. So I decided I wasn't going to be treated like crap. I calmly (no joke) gathered my things, kissed him goodbye, and called a taxi. Well, I cannot tell you how many times I had to apologize for the fact that I left because he was ignoring me. According to him, it was his B-day weekend and he should be able to behave however he pleases and everyone should just let it go. Because I left, he purposely chose his residency to be in a different state fully knowing that this would complicate or destroy our relationship in one way or another (this I didn't know until recently. Initial I was simply told that this is where he really wanted to go, he was just afraid to tell me, but he didn't want me to think it was because of the fight).

Anyways, he left. All the while he would encourage me. Telling me to have faith in what we had. That we would make it. Well, he left. To shorten things let me be brief: while he was gone I got yelled at for talking to guy friends of mine, I was accused of keeping my options open. At one point he wanted me to quit my job and move down to be with him. I was nervous to do so because that would look bad to have only worked my very first job in the medical profession for less than a year. We would argue about it over and over again. The last time, I told him I wanted to stay where I was, he raked me through the coals telling me that I always put career first, I would be completely satisfied with a long distance relationship as long as it didn't mess up my plans, that I wanted to keep my options open, that I just didn't need him like he needed me. I realized that I could either move or we would continue to have this argument over and over again. It seemed to me that he really needed me/wanted me to be there so I decided to move. After I gave my job my notice, scheduled interviews for new jobs, notified my landlord, he decided to tell me that if I wanted to stay where I was that would be okay with him. I wanted to strangle him. First he berated me because I wanted to stay and then when I made permanet steps to leave, he changes his story. This lead to a series of ups and downs where he kept changing his story about needing me to move, how serious he was about me, if he ever wanted to get married. This lead to a lot of sleepless, tearful nights for me. I broke up with him five times but always came back because I wanted to work it out; and as long as he loved me and wanted to give this relationship a fighting chance then I was willing to do what was necessary. So it eventually came down to me agreeing to move without an engagement and with the understanding that he was unsure about marriage. We agreed that I would move and if after one year he still didn't know what he wanted, that he would let me go (we had been together for about a year at this point). I was fine with this plan and I thought he was too. And for about a month everything was great.

Then, two weeks before the move, he surprised me and showed up at my door. I was so excited! Turns out he showed up to drop the bomb on me. In the beginning of our relationship, he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend and he met with his ex-fiance a couple of times when he first relocated and kissed her. What did I do? I forgave him. I told him people make mistakes, that I appreciated his honesty, and not to do it again because then it would be a habit and not a mistake. Following that we had one great day and then he started to freak out, telling me he felt like we should be engaged if I was going to move down, but he just didn't know if he could do that, and he didn't want to hurt me but he just didn't have any peace about the situation. I told him maybe that meant I wasn't the one and to think it over. He called his parents and had a long talk after which he told me the “cold feet” was a familial thing, that everything would work out, and to tell him what kind of wedding I wanted.

48 hours later, when he was back in his state, he broke up with me telling me that he just had no peace and he didn't know if he would ever want to marry me. I cried and called him all night. All he could tell me was “I don't know what you want me to say”. That was it. So the next morning I caught a flight to confront him face to face. We had a good talk. Identified some issues. I told him that if he believed that I wasn't good to him and good for him then I would leave no questions asked. He told me that I was the most amazing woman in the world. That his issue was not with me but with marriage. He agreed to seek professional help. I agreed to move as long as he was going to make a serious effort to face his commitment issues.

In less than 48 hours he changed again, telling me to let him go, that he keeps trying to go and I keep holding on because I am co-depentant and insecure. So, I left his house and went to a hotel. After awhile, he called my cell phone 50 times, left me sobbing voicemails, when to the airport looking for me, called 10 hotels, and texted me asking me to marry him. When he did finally locate my hotel he begged me to let him come over so he could propose. I told him my answer was no. I had no reason to believe that within another 48 hours he would change his mind yet again. I told him if he was serious he could wait a couple of days, and if he still wanted to marry me he could talk to my father. He agreed. After three days, he still wanted to marry me. He talked with my parents for over an hour telling them how much I meant to him and that he was willing to do anything to keep me. He even drove six hours to pick up the stone and have the ring made. So what happened?

Well, after awhile, he family started to disagree with everything, telling him that this was all rash, hasty, that he shouldn't be making any life changing decisions in residency. Needless to say he changed yet again and withdrew the proposal. His last suggestion to me was that I accept and promise ring and we would go to couples therapy. As soon as he said couples therapy, I realized that we were back at square one. That this wasn't about his parents getting know me. It was about the fact that he just didn't want to get married because of his commitment issues or whatever. At this point it was no longer about the engagement, I knew that wasn't real and I wasn't asking/demanding to be engaged anyway. Like I said, I had already agreed to move without the engagement. For me the issue was that he was always changing. And not about the little things, but the big things. It was about the fact that until he showed me that I could trust what I tells me, I just couldn't move to be with him. So I moved back home with my parents…leaving the door open for him to change.

After I hadn't heard from him for three days (I was giving him his space) I tried to contact him to figure out if we were going to try and reach some solution. I called and called, text and text…no response. To make a long story short (because this has been nothing but short) I flew out to his home to talk in person and try to reach a resolution. I was prepared to take marriage off the table entirely because I wanted to be with the love of my life…. married or not. I just felt as if the the marriage thing was creating so much strain and all I was trying to do was be in the same city as my boyfriend, know that I can trust him, and work out our issues together.

Well, he yelled at me for coming. Telling me that he was too busy for all this drama (meanwhile his friend was coming to visit the next day, and the christmas tree was being set up in the living room). He proceeded to tell me that I am crazy and obsessed. That this relationship has been nothing but a roller-coaster ride (I wonder why). That he could do anything to me and I would keep coming back for more. He proceed to tell me that this is “just what he does”. Apparently he wasn't sure about me, never has been, wants to get married and have children, just doesn't want to marry me. This hit like a ton of bricks since I told him not to ask me to move unless he was serious and had let him go on 3 occasions and he came back. I just don't get it. He introduced me to his parents, asked me to move, proposed all the while knowing that he didn't really want me? I just don't get it. Do people really do this? And if so, are they internally messed up inside, or was it that I wasn't good enough to motivate him to face his fears and change? I mean he left me homeless, jobless, and minus the $5,000 I had spent getting licensed in his state, moving, etc…I just don't get it. I tried everything. I loved him completely and honestly. I forgave, I compromised, I apologized, I changed. I just don't understand. Is he just a really bad guy or was I just not a great enough girl? For anyone who has read this far, any insight would be helpful. Thanks

Page: 1 2 3 4 5

Reply to Post

Reply to Topic:

can someone please explain to me what the hell happened?

Topic RSS