Forum

Hi Lost

thankyou so much for your kind words.  Its funny, we are on opposite sides of the planet – my night is your day – we are very much “other halves” in many ways to each other right now – and i feel the same as you – fortunate to have found this site, to have found you and to come here and be able to be so open and honest about our situations, our thoughts and feelings, our progress (or lack there of!) and even just our days.  I dont feel so dumb about it all and it really does provide me some comfort to know that we are here for each other and in such an honest way.  This is my salvation right now – otherwise i feel like im just “faking it” and just doing things because they have to be done.   I do think of you during the day, and on the days i havent posted, i have still come on here and read your posts.  It gives me comfort to in the same way i know it gives you comfort – not that you are going thru the same pain as me – but that i read your honesty and your situation and the comfort is in knowing im not going crazy and that there is someone out there just like me.  That gets it.  And that i can express myself to fully without being made to feel bad about my feelings.  I love my family and friends -but they keep saying thigns like “chin up! this is all going to be ok”.  They simply dont want to hear any longer that i miss him and still love him – they think its crazy talk and i should be further along in my recovery.  They laugh and give me high fives for another day gone without him – but i dont feel happy about it like they do.   And i know they are right in their own ways – but it feels so far from ok right now.  I cant think straight.

i want to share my day with yuo today as it was just mental.  But firstly before i forget i had two other things i also wanted to share = http://thepsychopath.freeforum…..r-f15.html  this is a website i found while googling other things and man! Lost! there is so many others out there like us to that have experienced the same patterns of behaviour.  Ive not joined up as i only found it last night – but i did read until the early hours of this morning (making me very tired today).  Reading these other peoples stories – tips etc.  Incredible stuff! and also comforting in its own weird way.  I like it here and wont move over there – but i thought of us both and our situations and our ex's - and being able to see other people.  But i like it here as it seems quite “busy” over there and i like how our thread has remained and that we can find each other so easily here! and that others have read our posts and joined up with us too.  Just feels alot more personal here

the second was something else i read last night – but i cant remember where – i just remember the words sort of.  It was also to do with “tips on dealing with heartbreak” and i found it quite profound.  Im not sure if its because i have experienced loss thru the death of someone close to me (and my darling cats that have passed on in the last 2 years which also broke my heart ), but anyways i digress – but i hope it helps you. too  It went along the lines of grieving for our heartbreak and lost love – that we should cry, we should feel anxiety and sadness, we should FEEL the emotions we are going thru as they come - but that we MUST SEARCH for the reasons of the fear of our anxieties – for the futures we feel we have lost , for all that we gave up – identify WHAT our fears are.  And then by doing that, we must then accept the loss.  Just as we must accept the loss of someone who we love passes away.  Because at the end of the day – we all will experience those kinds of losses in our lives.  That sometimes in life, we wont always get what we want and we just have to simply accept that – ie: jobs we really want, scholarships, buying homes etc.  And the only way to heal from them is to accept this loss.  And once we have accepted that – we can then move on to find our happiness and not carry baggage into any new relationship.  Now i know you and i arent at that point yet – to accept our loss – but i dont know why – when i read it – i just felt like yes – i can break it down.  i will take the time to document ALL of my fears and insecurities.  And then i hope eventually – i can accept this loss as i have done over the death of my sister some years ago.  I felt like well, if i managed that – then i will manage this.  But its that old adage isnt it? TIME – and the unknown-ness of how long we must wait.  What i also liked what that the focus wasnt on WHY the relationship broke down, but on trying to move forward from it.  I know my focus has constantly been on WHY – why he did it, why did he not love me enough, why did he pretend he did, i even wonder all the time why he moved in! i wonder why he was so good in the beginning……. what changed, what could i have done differently………. i just think things over and over and over

you and i have both identified the narcissm – and i truly believe they both are (read that site when you get some time – amazing!).  which is another connection for us.  And by now – we both know – they have gone.  POOF! like magic.  The love we thought we had there, the loves of our lives (despite their behaviours) has literally vanished.  Almost as tho it didnt exist.  And we are left reeling from the damage caused and how we were so dispensable to them…….. without a second thought.  And how on earth we are supposed to go about putting the pieces of our lives back together.  So i liked the thoughts about not analysing WHY anymore – but working on MY fears, MY anxieties etc and then working thru those and then accepting this loss.  I know im far from there – but it gave me a glimmer of hope

Now – for my day.  I lost it today – had a full blown attack and actually ended up in a rage for a about 10minutes or more!

I had to shut down the joint accounts – that was actually kinda simple as the joint account was actually off my main master  account- so only one of us had to do that – and i could.  Then i thought – thats right -i should reduce the contents insurance cover so that my premiums reduce (saving precious money!). When HE moved in 18monhts ago i rung the insurance company and told them my partner had moved in and “upped” the value of the insurance.  I gave all his details over the phone as they asked and didnt give it much thought.  So today when i called the insurance company – it turned out – that despite HIM moving into MY already established home, that despite me already having contents insurance BEFORE he moved into this property and despite me having had contents insurance with this company for over 10years – THAT I COULD NOT CHANGE A SINGLE THING WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION! I kept saying to the guy on the phone – you seriously must be joking? he didnt sign any forms, i didnt sign any forms – i only increased the amount and gave his name over the telephone at the time as like the other person living here (i thought it was sot he insurance company understood why i had doubled the contents insurance value……..).  So anyways, going around and around – i couldnt do a single thing – i couldnt take his name off, i couldnt reduce the value of the insurance to reduce my premiums, i couldnt even change the bank account the money was being taken out of – which was the one that i had just shut down! meaning when they were due to deduct it next week and there would be no money as the account didnt exist – i couldnt do a single f**king thing WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION! i was blown away! so the guy said “well, why dont you call him or email him and ask him to ring us and just give his permission for the changes”.  PERMISSION FOR THE CHANGES! are you f**king kidding me! so without losing my cool TOO MUCH – i told the guy -as calmly as i could that it was not that simple and an unattractive option for me to do that.  That we had split up, that things were not at the stage where i felt i could get him to do that.  So the guy then says – well, email him and ask him! unbelievable!.  So in the end,i asked to speak to a team leader.  I got a woman and told her briefly of my situation – that i had split with my partner, i had purposefully and very strongly avoided all contact (his coming to the house wasnt my doing….) and that it had ended with violence and the last thing i wanted was my insurance company getting me to ask his permission to change MY INSURANCE!!!.  so anyways, she said, hold there and i will call him (the ex) if yuo give me the number.  So i gave her the number and was put on hold.  She comes back about 10 minutes later saying she got thru to him – but that she could hear him perfectly well, but he couldnt hear her very well and the phone was breaking up his end - she said she heard him say he had bad cellphone coverage and they couldnt speak well as  the phone coverage was bad and breaking up and that he told her this was cos he was at the beach on holiday! then the phone went dead on her and when she called back it kept going to answerphone

and so did my heart go dead.  We were together til just before xmas – so being a live in couple we had planned out our holiday breaks and put in our annual leave forms to be together for the same time period off work – HE had put in the same dates as me meaning he was supposed to be back at work this week like i was…………….  my heart stopped cold.  He took extra leave? he was AT THE F**KING BEACH???????  WHO was he at the beach with?  WHAT beach? He can cause this utter devastation to my life – like he let off a nuclear bomb and my life is now hiroshima – but he can go relax and go on holiday to the beach? and took extended leave to do it?

so – she didnt get his permission as the phone cut off and she couldnt get thru again – so i didnt get my insurance sorted out and cant even change the account the $$ comes out of until he gives permission – despite the accoutn now being closed and it will dishonour (i told her this honestly but she said without his permission – the transaction would go ahead and i would be charged a dishonour fee if the account was closed and not changed- whcih seems so completely unfair if its not sorted out by then…. as i cant now re-open that account and ive told them what happened! and they take my car insurance out of my personal account – only different inthe accoutn number is the suffix on the end being 02 instead of 00 – but she said she couldnt do anything about it……….) – And i found out he was on additional holiday at the beach……….  She said that she would try him again tomorrow but that she couldnt keep donig that – so she would call me and let me know if she got hold of him or not – but if not then i would need to get him to ring them and give HIS permission (and that p!sses me off so much even thinking i need his permission for any single thing after all he did to me - and that this was MY HOUSE and MY insurance before he came along….)  

Fortunately i have an office and had shut the door to make this private phonecall – so i sat there – and i cried, i cried so much i had trouble catching my breath and thought i was going to have a panic attack.  This went on for what seemed an eternity – then i dont know what happened buti  got MAD – so f**king mad! i wanted to smash something.  I wanted to pick up the phone and smash it on the desk.  I wanted to ring him myself and call him every single horrible name under the sun.  i wanted to email him and call him a pig and other horrible names and just hurt him so bad. I had this panic attack with wild thoughts – is he at the beach on holiday with another woman? has he already met someone and gone on holiday with another woman??? it just kept going aorund and around my head – him, beach, extra holiday, another woman……  I then got so mad i had my fists curled into clenched balls – i was crying at the same time and felt like i wanted to jump out the window!  Hes on extra holiday? at the beach? possibly with another woman (i mean seriously, who goes on holiday to the beach on their own??)  and im living in utter misery  and turmoil and devastation??  – dealing with the hurt, the pain, the crying, the lack of sleep, the no interest in eating or taking care of myself properly, with having to deal with the finances, sorting out the house, shutting the accounts down and all the messiness of the break up, freaking out over the big big big decisions i have to make for my future - and hes at the beach on holiday???  so yea…………….  there was my day! somewhere in there i did some work (fortunately tho – i made this phone call just right on the end of the day….) i tidied myself up the best i could and got in the car to come home – i had another cry and thought of you having to do the same thing yourself last week.  And drove home and not been able to concentrate ever since on anything else.

so thats my day! utter complete crap – sorry for the long post but i need another good vent about it all!

now – to your post.

Sweets – i feel the exact same way as you do! I actually look forward to coming on here and seeing our thread and posts from you.  And when you think about it – we are two halves of a mirror – not just in our pain and where we are at – but like i said – that my night is your day and vice versa.  I know that when im in bed – lost is reading the words i leave for her.  And when im asleep, she is leaving comforting words for me.  But i also appreciate more than anything how honest you are and how honest i am able to be here.  Maybe it is the anonymity of being behind a computer, or the therapuetic way of pouring our hearts out in written word – but i am grateful to have found you and this site also.

I liked your joke! that actually made me smile! and i also noticed something extremely freaky about your date of the 21st November.  That is the precise date my sister passed away in her car accident.  So there is another connection there…..  And i liked your mantra too.  I thought that was great.  My counsellor gave me some tips too to “get thru” stuff as i told her that i was struggling inside alot with lots of conflicting emotions that were really powerful – when i last saw her i told her that i had these waves of emotion, and that at times i would get these massively strong overwhelming urges to text/phone/email him begging him to come home – but then an hour or more later another wave would hit me and i would get the same overwhelming urge to text/phone/email him telling him what a disgusting pig he was.  So she gave me these exercises to do.  When those strong urges come on – to look around exactly where i am – just find 5 things that i can see and name them (ie: chair, phone, bin, tv, remote) and then find 5 sounds (ie: tv, ticking clock, wind outside, cat purring, me typing on the computer….) and if after concentrating on that the feeling had not passed – then repeat it finding 4 things – and then 3more things – until it passed.  And it actually works! my friend i went away with teased me – as we drove we listened to music that would remind me of him or went thru smaller cities on our travelling that reminded me of my ex and travels we had made over our time together (we tried to get away and see things as often as possible) – i cried a heck of a lot on that car journey down – and my mate kept saying “FIVE THINGS! FIVE THINGS!” and we tried to make it like a game……… 

I am so sorry to hear that you had such a bad time again doll.  Again, as always, i can feel your pain.  Today is the first time ive felt full on angry about it all.  Apparently anger is part of all of this process we are embarking on.  So i completely understand AGAIN when yuo say you were angry too! hahaha.  Because this evening, while ive sat here at home trying to process it – things have been making me angry too – like that he took the 46″ TV when he left – it was on hire purchase but we had paid just over half of that – and half of the half paid was paid by me.  It was a $3thousand $ tv when we purchased it.  At the time i did just want him to move and wanted as little pain as possible, my parents told me they had an old tv i could use and i just thought – oh well as long as i have one.  BUt tonight im angry! that he took that tv, (i know! its just a tv but its pissing me off that he got it and i didnt make a stand on the issue and keep it myself – altho it would be somethign else to pay for so its probably for the best….) that he didnt pay me back for what id put into it.  That i have a shitty old tv while hes now living at his mates place (the same mate he was living at BEFORE moving in with me – so all very convienient for him to have just packed up and gone back to where he came from – like none of this – like US, our relationship - never existed) that these guys are livnig the bachelor life watching MY TV!!! that he left me with so much mess to deal with, angry that he doesnt care about the mess left behind and hes just literally picked up and moved on.  Angry that he got to take every single thing he came into this relationship and home with – and it was my stuff that got sold – so my savings i had to use to replace simple thigns like a bed and other bits of furniture – savings that i didnt have very much of to begin with - he got all of his stuff back – all of it.  Angry that he can afford a beach holiday! Angry that he came here the other week and caused more turmoil and now is on a beach holiday! Angry about the insurance and having to “wait” for him and see what he “decides” to do (it just seems so unfair!) Angry that i have to think about changing jobs or moving just to keep going if i wish to remain in NZ.  Just angry angry angry tonight!

isnt it funny in a way? last night i was so very low – same as you – sobbing at the computer even typing out my reply last night at all the anxiety i was feeling.  And now tonight – 24hours later – i could throttle him! i feel like it should of been ME to punch HIM inthe head and strangle him for what he did! not him doing that to me…….

but yet i still do carry this anxiety about the future as you do.  And thankyou for your advice doll, it is very much appreciated.  I dont know the answrs to it all yet either and have decided on only a couple of things – funnily enough almost exactly as you had said in your reply – that i DO want to remain in this house – even if it will be tight financially as this place is my haven right now.  the only place i feel ME right now in the world.  I do like my job and the place i work and ive been there almost 4years – so i think if i was to leave right now -i may make my anxiety and situation worse and not better.  Ive decided that right now, i should stay put – in my house and my job – even if its just for another month and then re-assess my situation and how im feeling.  So yes, i have made already two very basic decisions for now and i feel ok with those – a little tiny bit of peace crept in when i told myself “one more month in this situation and then see how you feel”.  Exactly how you said it doll – deal with the important things that need dealing with.  And then hopefully, with some time (that old time thing again aye!) i may be in a better place in myself to make the right decisions

Everything else – the moving away, new job, etc – im sure i will be pointed in the right direction when the time comes.  But right now – i NEED my job, for money etc – but its also a place i do like being.  And i need to be somewhere that i can just be who i need to be right now – the person who cries, gets angry, cant sleep, cant eat……… this is what i need right now.

One day our lives will become genuine again Lost.   We will feel the sun on our skin and close our eyes and just enjoy it for the simple pleasure it is.  We will enjoy our favourite foods again one day.  We will enjoy the company and laugh right along with our friends and family again one day.  We will love the work we do and be inspired to continue to work hard and towards the goals and dreams we have (i dont have any dreams either at the moment tho doll….)  They will be genuine again because we both deserve for it to be so.  We will come out of this stronger, improved women.  An improvement on the already awesome, kind, loving, giving women that we were before these situations happened to us.   The one blessing is that we will NEVER choose men like this again.  Its a blessing we didnt have children or marry these men – that we got out NOW before becoming trapped and having to continue to live in lives of anxiousness, inconsistency, unhappiness, fear of making them angry or fear of them changing their minds or fear of aggression or violence  (thats the feelings i had most days if im honest with myself as i nevr knew what would piss him off and he changed his mind so much too, and threatened to walk out all the time so i ended up not saying anything in the end so an argument didnt happen, and of course the violence to me in the end – and im beginning to realise this now).  So therefore – if we come out of this armed emotionally stronger,  with emotional toolboxes full up with tools to help us deal with these kinds of people should we ever come across them again – then we know exactly what we need to do! LOCK AND LOAD – OR RUN! lol.  But it must also mean when we find that right person – we will be able to spot him in an instant! wel, thats my theory anyways

Anyways, a big big big vent for me tonight! thankyou for reading my posts, for sharing your thoughts and your situation, for helping me try and make sense of things, and for being a friend

x x

Hi Lost and others in our situation

Sorry, ive been reading posts but not had the heart to post on here for the past few days

ive been going thru so much anxiety i think im going to talk to my doctor about it. 

i seem to be crying MORE now – 4weeks later! than i was before….. and it was ALOT before!

i think its finally sunk in – this is really over now, hes not coming back.  he hasnt had an epiphany and realised how good i was and how much he misses me and how much he wants things to work out – that he'd do anything to try and make things work (i realise this sounds pathetic considering what he has done – but its how i feel)

its smacked me in the face like a brick – like this is it kiddo – you are now single and all alone.  I had some stupid hope – especially after he came here 12days ago i think – that maybe he'd make amends somehow – i know it would have had to have been MASSIVE amends! but it was just this little bit of hope i was carrying.  But i realise now – there is nothign to hope for

I feel anxious, sad, depressed.  Went back to work for the first time today after being off almost all the time we been broken up on xmas holidays – and i was so teary all day! seeing old work friends, hearing how great their holidays were, (its summer here and we have had some amazingly beautiful weather, and if you dont know much about our country – we have some amazing beaches and things to do – so most people go away for holidays here as you can get to some really cool places within 2-3hours out of our main city) seeign them all tanned up and in their new summer clothes with their happy chat – i spent most of my holiday inside crying, even when i went away.  The last thing i wanted was to go out shopping for new clothes or anything – i felt pathetic today, and so lonely.   I didnt tell a lie and say id done things i hadnt – but i pretended like my holiday was ok, i did go away but didnt enjoy it – but i never said things like that today 

And im not normally a person who feels that way at all – i have great friends, good family, i get on with alot of people at my work.  I am always happy within my self (i used to be anyways…) and always used to be happy to hear other people had happy times or happy news – but today i was miserable, so very miserable. 

I feel so anxious now that im back at work i need to sort out MY LIFE!!!!!  can ikeep affording to live in the house, do i want to move overseas? away from all the poeple i know and love and the support i have here…….  do i just want to change job maybe? i have to close down our joint accounts – i have appointments tomorrow to do that – and that feels like its putting the headstone on the relationship that was us – that its now so dead and buried even our names will now never jointly appear again……..

ive come home and cried and cried and cried.  Ive been a mess the last couple of days…….  i feel so out of sorts within myself.  I have had the self esteem and personal confidence in my abilities just ripped out of me.  I keep asking myself WHY did he do this? did he ever love me? why was i never good enough, why were the things i did not good enough……….. 

i wished he hadnt come 12days ago, and seen me crying and seen how much of a mess i still am.  I really think that visit he made has truly just made it all worse – he came here and gave no answers but told me he still lvoed me and missed me – BUT he thought thigns were my fault – so its made me think – was it? could i have done better?  was i not pretty enough or skinny enough? did i just not show him enough how much i loved him?  My brain is telling me i did  – i know i did – but my heart feels like its just breaking all over again and i actually feel worse now than better.  Im grieving for the future i THOUGHT we would have – that i have to put my hopes and dreams away now – that they may never be achieved – travel, buying a home, marriage, a family, a loving relationship that will last the distance.  

And im just full up of so much anxiety – abotu the decisions i now need to make alone for my future – and yes – i DO have to make them – about living here in this house or moving out, or moving overseas or changing jobs.  When i thought i was in a committed loving stable relationship – i reduced my work hours down to 4days a week  as my work was hit hard with the recession (still is) and they asked for people to consider reducing their hours instead of redundancy – i weighed it up at the time and thought its better than no job plus im living with my partner now so yea, i can afford it – and now i cannot get back to a 5day week and full pay –  so i either stay working at the place i love on a reduced salary and move out of this house to a cheapr one – or i find a new job fulltime – i could afford then to reduce my hours when we were together as one thing he was good at was putting money into our joint account and all our bills were paid up on time, money for dinners, shopping, trips out – all paid for from our joint account and i had enough to save also and we still lived a nice comfotable life.  I also had a freehold car when we were together but it was getting old adn beginning to need alot of work, so i sold it and had some savings and put those monies towards a new much more modern car – and had to part finance it – so now im single and alone – i used all of my savings towards the new car – i have a reduced income and car repayments now, so my finances are freakign me out.  Ive done up a budget and i CAN stay here – but it will make things tight.  And that makes me very sad as this place is like my real home and haven right now.  So i have to weigh all those thigns up.  And like i said – its like a brick in the face – HES NOT COMING BACK!!!! you have to sort all this out – ALONE……………  and i feel so freaked out and scared and uncertain about the future

i still miss him! despite all he did to me! i ache for him sometimes, i dream of him and wake up crying adn cant get back to sleep.  i miss him more now than i evr did.  I miss his guitar playing, his kisses, snuggling in bed.  Cuddles when i needed them.  I miss having someone to talk to about the everday stuff and bounce things off.  I miss the man he was int he beginning  – that used to call me beautiful and gorgeous and email evryday saying he loved me and couldnt wait to come home that night.  I miss the guy that took me places and that i had so many cool experiences with.  Everything in this city reminds me of him – we did so much stuff – everywhere i go, everythign i see, songs i hear, even shopping alone just for myself – i just miss him all the time and i feel like my heart is just slowly cracking into a million pieces – never to be put back together again – under the strain of missing him so much

sorry to be going on so much about myself! there have been some new members to our thread and im so terribly sorry to hear and see these stories -  The eyes – a 10yr relationship and another woman being played by a man who wants his cake and eats it too – with no care or thought to the amazing amount of pain and damage he is inflicting to a woman who loves him.  The mans penis is powerful isnt it?  how they care so much about THAT – and us women  – we just love – with our souls, our spirits, our hearts, our minds, our bodies………….  i will never ever understand how a man can treat someone who loves them that way – i bet they wouldnt like it being done to them.  But somehow – they seem to be ok with doing it to others. 

Everett – i cannot simply understand how someone can use someone in that way.  I think of this often.  When i was 15, i met my very first boyfriend – he was 19.  we stayed together 7.5years – we were engaged to be married.  And i loved him and still do as a friend – but i dont think i ever actually loved him fully.  He loved me fully tho,i knew he did.  But anyways, we were due to be married and my sister died in a car accident when i was 21 – she was 27.  And it changed my whole life and made me realise – what if i was to die in a split second like that? would i have died happy? and i realised , after a year or so of mourning the loss of my sister (so extremely hard) – that i didnt love that man the way he deserved.  And telling him, to his face – that i could not marry him and we had to split up – it was the most hardest thing i evr did – but it was the right thing.  My piont is – if someone doesnt love us (my ex clearly didnt) – then i actually think they are pretty scum for stringing us along – for using us for all we give – knwoing that WE love them – and them knwing that they really dont think the same – but that we are good for “now” til someone better comes along.  You deserve to at least have had her tell you this to your face – not cowardly walk out behind your back before you come home – for all that you did, financially and emotionally and the support and love you gave.  I dont know WHY this happened toyou – but i can completely understand your pain – this situation is similar but different for Sara too – why he strugn you along – told you right up to like the last day he loved you – when he then said he didnt – it just baffles me – so im sure it must be so confusing and heartbreaking for you both

Heartbroken girl – im sorry to hear your story too – 4years is a f**king long time! i too supported my ex thru the death of a loved one – thru an illness and then death – and then i found out that he cheated on me like 2weeks later.  But i didnt find this out until recently – so at the time – it was his grandmother and he was very close to her and upset – at the time, i helped his family sort out her house as his dad had just had open heart surgery too so there was alot going on.  I went over with MY friends as they dint have much help, with the van from MY work and we had to pack down and move evrything out of the house, i scrubbed on my hands and knees the carpets, walls, ceilings of that house – i was there for him emotionally and just thought i did all i could to help support him – with physical work and emotional stuff – for him and his family – then i found out over a year later – that he cheated on me during this period.  I dont know why =- but it devastated me.  im not excusing it – but its possible these men got thru some kind of re-wiring when someone close dies – us women – we cry it out, we talk to our friends, we set up photo albums and remembr our loved ones, we talk about them and visit graves (well i do all these things!) – but men – they just seem to clam up.  I hope there is some hope for you and that this may pass – can you write him a letter – explaining all you have to us? let him sit and mull things over in his own time?  it seemsthat while he is acting inappropriately – that you may actually have a chance to make things right – well thats how im seeing it anyways.  Me, lost, Sara – we dont have that chance by the sounds with ours – even tho we know its wrong we probably did all hope that at some stage if we are honest with ourselves.  But maybe – if there is a way you can communicate – not face to face or on the phone where you may be misinterpreted (especially if he is having a hard time dealing with things) a letter perhaps? email? and then have some patience and just see if he thinks it all thru?  i will keep my fingers crossed for you that this works out – its a long time to be with someone and sometimes death is dealt with by people in different ways to how we would personally deal with it – and it takes a LONG time – a very long time believe me. 

Lost – my dear friend – i have been reading your posts sweets – and i think thats why i couldnt post! i was crying right along with you doll and feeling your pain – i felt the exact same pain being at work today! i was so wobbly, i couldnt really talk to anyone for fear of bursting into tears.  You and I are so very similar in where we are at – i read what you say and i see so much of my own situation in yours.  I am feeling your pain doll, very much so.  I know we dont have the ansers and its so easy to say “be strong” but you do seem to be getting stronger in the posts you make – despite setbacks and having to go to the car to cry.  i think we are the same in our “realisations” now – thats it! they arent coming back, they are NEVER going to answer our questions, they have moved on without us…….  and its devastating.  And heartbreaking – and every little step we take – reminds us of them – and that we are now alone and have to do this alone……..  You and I both know we CAN do this – but if you are anything like me doll – you are just “going thru the motions” and doing it because it HAS to be done.  Ive found no enjoyment in anything these past 4weeks.  I feel like im just a shell of my former self and that nothing may ever be the same again.  right now, i cant even imagine being HAPPY! that might sound sad, but its just simply how i feel.  i cant think if i have even laughed in this whole 4weeks.  Sure, im doing things that need to be done, im trying to be busy, im talking to people and friends, ive gone back to work – but its not at all what i want to be doing – not at all.  And i cant figure out how to get those inspired feelings i used to get – the want to look at a beautiful day and be out in the sun, go see my friends for a happy visit and a catch up, i used to even enjoy my job and my work mates…………  nothing feels the same but im doing it – as are you my friend.  I have no advice, but i look forward to always reading your posts.  I loved your scriptures too.

Anyways, thats me! long time no hear, but im still here! alive but not quite kicking yet

thinking of you all

x

Hi ladies

Im back from my “holiday” not that i felt like i got much peace being away.  I went away – far far away from the city i live in.  A 6hour drive away (thats big for little New Zealand).  But i never stoped thinking of my ex

I am the same as you all – still almost 4weeks after he has moved out

i want contact so bad, i want to know answers.  And i have to fight myself NOT to text or email etc.  Mine came here last weds (its fri here now).  And told me he did still love me and missed me BUT he felt things were still my fault – crazy if you have read my story and know what he did to me – but still – i have a massive hole in my soul.  So big.  I cant stop myself still thinking things over and over and over. 

I know where you all are – im there too

maybe as Sara says – no contact is best

I have to go back to work on Monday and im not looking forward to it – as i then have MORE decisions to make.  Ive been on holidays for almost all the time we have been broken up.  So i have to face work and future decisions as financially even the strain of the breakup is something i need to consider – if i can continue to keep this house up alone on my wages, if i want to move (something ive said before….) so im feelign extremely anxious that i need to start working all that out

mine made contact – once – and it actually has made it worse cos since he came to my house – the house we shared together for 18monhts – he has not made contact again – not even a “happy new year”.  Nothing.

i feel overwhelmed with grief and anxious about the future.  I know im strong, i know i will make the right decisions – but i suppose i have had this stupid hope in my heart – that he will make amends SOMEHOW (god knows how!) and that love will conquer all – that he too will miss me and realise what a mistake he has made – but he isnt going to and reality is sinking in big time for me…………  and so now im moving from the whole heartbreak thing – to having to face the future and what to do – and doing it alone.  I know i can do it – ive done it before – but like i say – i suppose ive been waiting for a miracle (i dont know why! after all he did).  So yea, im moving into a different phase now, and its scary! very scary

I have also been experiencing abit of anger also – HOW could he do this, HOW can he not see the damage and pain he cause? WHY did he do this when he told me he loved me…………..  and alot of questions of myself – WHY did i let this happen? HOW can i not see that i deserve to be treated better? DO i respect myself enough? Do i have faith in myself enough to never let this hapen again………  lots of reflecting not just on what happened but also myself in general. 

So ladies, its good to come back and see all your posts and see our little group is getting a bit bigger and that we arent the only ones in these situations.

Love is such a horrible thing – and as Sara says – ive had those thoughts too – how could i ever trust another again? can i ever love this way again…………  gosh, i wonder if i even want to!

Thinking of you all

x

Jeez Lost- it's like you dated the same guy I did! Except my ex was jewish! hah

My ex also wants to be a doctor, this is after spending months of confusing me about my own plans and changing his. He was trying to tell me I needed a low stress job so that he could be a doctor- meanwhile he was so unsure because Medical school seems “stressful” and he wanted to go into education instead… what?! Confused much?

I have never been so insulted in my life! And you know what lost? My ex is out and about- happy as can be. It's funny because I brought so much good in his life like I really improved his lifestyle- his parents approved of me- I'm accomplished, in a really good medical program, polite, i'm “wife material”. It's ridiculous that he doesn't even miss me. No contact NOTHING. I'm offended actually. It's such an awkward feeling- hating my ex. And you know what? I'm a little uncomfortable with other men now because he crushed any hope I had in men!! They lie to you in the end don't they?

Kaye,

I'm so sorry to hear of this. It really upset me to know that someone gave you this virus causing cancer. Your ex was definitely NOT worth dying for. No one is.

I'll have you in my prayers Kaye. I'm not really religious but I've found that praying really helps.

I hope everyone is feeling a little better today. Remember it takes 21 days to break an addiction and I know my relationship was much more of an addiction than a healthy loving relationship.

All I can hope for now is that karma will come and bite our ex's in the ass!

Lost how's everything?

Hey Ladies

Sara – if you can afford to see a therapist i absolutely recommend it.  I cant afford to keep going longterm, but i can for a few more sessions (livign alone now paying for everything means i have to be abit careful with how i spend….) BUT – in just 3 sessions already – ive had some clarity

hearing a person who never met you and never met the ex and your situations – and them saying “you had a right to feel this way….” when your ex told you that you were crazy (like mine did) and that you are not nuts – is liberating and made me feel aready so much better about how i handled things.  Sure i had some bad reactions to stuff – but in saying that, im learning that most women in my situation probably would of freaked out like i did to find out the things i did

Also – as weird as it sounds – i felt very abandoned – still do – about all this.  That he could do this damage, not take responsibility and me try over and over to fix it – then he walked away.  So working thru those issues of abandonment – even just talking about them with someone neutral who isnt going to judge you – is good.  My friends and family love me too – they say the same things your friends and family do – you can do so much better, its good he is out of your life, you are an awesome lady and you will find love again, isnt it better to be alone than live in that shit……………. and as you say – we know they are right – but the pain for us is so raw.  The only one we want to come and “fix” that pain, is the person that caused it.  Doll, im going thru it – so are all the ladies on this thread – we all know exactly where you are at and what you are feeling…………  mine was a dog – but right now i feel so hurt and lonely – i would take him back! and that is a terrible disresepctful thing of myself to say – but right now – in this moment – it is the truth.  And one thing i like about being here – is that i dont feel ashamed to tell the truth.

And working with my counsellor is the only place in real life ive been able to tell the full truth – notthat i am lying to my friends and family – but they think my ex doesnt deserve me, hell my dad and brothers want to smash his teeth in – so i cant tell them how badly my heart is hurting and all these jumbled feelings i have still for him – they simply dont get it.  But my counsellor does.  And its a relief to be able to spill those feelings and get them out and try and work out stuff.  Because at the end of the day, us ladies dont sound like we did respect ourselves enough – i hope that comment doesnt offend anyone here as i dont mean it to – but its the conclusions ive come to – by the sounds of all our stories – and i read more threads that others have posted here – we have beenin relationships “putting up” with less than we deserve.  And if i have a goal for my healing – its that i figure out fully what i deserve and never deviate from that again.  Never.  I will never let another man treat me that way – i want to be able to respect myself enough – even if i DO ever love another – to walk away if i got treated even one of those ways again.  I always thought i had my boundaries set – but he tested them over and over and i kept letting those boundaries creep further and further away from what i THOUGHT i would ever take – i always said for example no man would EVER cheat on me and i would stay – well i did.  I told myself no way in hell would a man ever lay a finger on me in violence and id stay – and i did……….  and the thing is – my ex did these things – and im sittign here saying id still take him back! but that is just the feelings i am feeling right now – and i want to work on moving those feelings out of me – andputting them away in a box and remembering for sure the good – but the bad in my situation most definately outweighed any good.

I know what you mean – my ex and i too did some really cool things – things i didnt want to do with anyone but a partner.  And those are the thigns i hold on to and cry for – hwo could he have been so good once upon a time – and what changed and why and when?

Lost is right – we are never going to get these answers – never

My ex came here, cried, said he loved me and missed me BUT things were still my fault – and ive not heard a peep since. 

So i know exactly what you mean about being confused too doll! confused doesnt even cut it for me! im bewildered! and im starting to get frustrated and angry

And again – i feel the same as you – i dont want to go out or do anything – but im making myself.  I have to.  I know my f**kface of an ex is out having a ball – he isnt home sitting around crying and moping like i am – and im going to force myself to get out of this house and enjoy whats left of my holidays before i go back to work and start a whole new year all over again. 

A year without my ex – a year where i can make anything happen.  Im trying to look at it positively (its very hard – but i try – my thoughts swing madly all over the place at the mo – but sometimes even just for a few minutes – they can settle on positive things) maybe its happened to me – and to you guys – at this time of year – so we get new starts for 2010.  Not necessarily new love – im not being unrealistic – but it sounds to me that ALL Of us – gave up things – things we enjoyed or time with friends or hobbies or time with family – whatever it is – and poured ourselves into these pieces of shit.  And one thing i feel – and that i hear so loudly and clearly on this site – is that we did all this for NOTHING – absolutely nothing.  And that is what we are all mourning for – all that lost love, energy, time.  Grieving for the futures we THOUGHT we were goign to have………..  but why cant we make a new future.  In just one week i have reconnected with a few people i havent seen for a long time.  And tonight im going away for a few days to see a friend of mine who lives 5hours away and their new baby.  In the old days – my ex wouldnt of gone with me and i didnt trust him enough to leave him alone for a few days – so im looking again at the positive – i now have the freedom – without feeling anxiety and untrust – to go away and see people who are important to me – and if i was withthe ex – i wouldnt be doing this.  Its one baby step at a time doll.  I know i will think constantly of the ex – but im going to take the opportunity that has been presented to me and hopefully enjoy the trip. A trip i wouldnt of taken if we were still together

And i know doll – we all do – the torturous thoughts of “what are they doing” “do they have someone new” are gong around and around your head – and that they are probably not likely having those thoughts………..  but its up to US to start making these baby steps.  A massive part of me WANTS to stay home and mope and weep – but a part of me wants to pick up and get going to – and that part is starting to peep thru.  Yesterday was a very low day for me – 3weeks since he left – andthat time is a blur of very late nights, no sleep, no eating, weeping.

Its like a death for us all, in that it appears these guys are not coming back – as when someone dies – and thats hard to get our heads around – but even if they did – you need to ask yourself – do you even want them back? in the form they were? with the disrespect and lies and deceit? hiding and pretending someone loves you is deceit.  And as you didnt know until he told you that his feelings changed – could you ever trust fully that he would love you again? the way you deserve?

it doesnt appear to me that any of us has been unreasonable in our expectations – love, kindness, faithfulness, loyalty, honesty, respect – these are things we give our friends, our family.  These are attributes all of us even display to strangers in some way shape or form (ie: respecting other people , being kind, being loyal, telling the truth – even at work).  So i dont believe at all we have been unreasonable in our expectations of people that WE loved and  shared a life with and treated that way, men who fooled us into thinking they wanted the same.  Sure, sounds like they wanted it for A WHILE – but then they either got bored or decided committment to US just wasnt their thing – and it hurts, i know it hurts.  Im still hurting!

anyways ladies, another day of reflection for me

I know your confusion and your pain – i just wish we could all take some magic pill or something like that to take it all away for us.  We sound like we all deserve so much better

Im off again now for a few days ladies.  I hope things improve, even slightly for us all.  and i will read and post when i get back

thinking of you all

x

I agree no contact is better.  I'm fed up with this so-called “friendship” with my ex.  It's totally on his terms.  If he's upset or bored or whatever, he calls or comes over, and I drop what I'm doing and give him my full attention and care.  If I call and need to talk, oh, he's just not in the mood, or busy, or gets impatient and tells me he's not gonna be a co-dependent and listen to my same old issues.  Gee, thanks for the support.  One week he was upset about some family issues and called me every day to talk.  The next week, nothing.  Or if I call, just to see how he is, there's no real interest on his part in having a genuine conversation.  Yesterday I asked him for a ride, because I recently injured my knee and don't have a car.  He agreed and drove me to the meeting that we were both attending, then tells me, oh, can you get a ride home from someone else and gave a totally lame excuse why he couldn't take me back home.  He just didn't feel like delaying his plan to play basketball by the 10 minutes it would have taken to drop me off.  Jeez.  Great friend.  Thanks, Lost, for the info about narcissists.  I think I've got one in my life.  But it's time to move on….

I suppose one thing that's been good about this “friendship” is I've been able to see him in a more objective light.  Now that he's not getting sex or romantic attention from me, he treats me like he treats everyone in his life – lousy.  Now, I noticed that before, when we were going out, and it bothered me.  But love is blind, or at least very near-sighted, and I figured, I'll help him with his social skills, he'll change, I can see the loving side of him.  But the truth is, unless he's got a self-interested reason to be kind or charming to another person, he's just a jerk.

Whew…thanks for reading my rant.  I feel better.  I hope you all are hurting a little less today.  We will get through this pain, and see a brighter day. 

Lost I wish I was getting better.

I feel like i just relapsed. I freaked out because I saw him online and I just texted his friend and his friend is barely texting me back and I feel like a complete idiot. I don't know what to do. I want him to love me again to miss me to feel SOMETHING for me. But he hasn't if he did he would have called. It's really hurting I don't know what to do. I'm just so confused. I feel like nothing is going to solve this problem. I keep going in circles its horrible. it's like I'm obsessed about finding out if he loves me. I really was not ready for this to happen.  

ugh.

Heartbroken,

I'm so happy that you're beginning to wake up from the damage. I am in that process too. If I said I was shocked that he abused you yet you still stayed with him i'd be a hypocrite. Honestly, the more I have shared the story of my relationship with my friends it's beginning to reveal the emotional abuse and suffering I was going through. I was blinded because I had this idea in my head that he really loved me and we'd be together forever…yet that was costing me my life.

I don't know what to do with this supposed “freedom”. Okay i'm just going to be brutally honest, I hate obnoxious narcissistic groups of people who can only spend money and compete with each other. I used to think life would be great if I was a part of the “high society” crowd- I hope you know what I mean- and then I came to college. And I'm slowly realizing that there are genuine people out there. There are people who are happy and healthy and comfortable in their own skin. My ex however was not. He was one of those people who apparently had everything going for him. And as the layers were peeled back I soon found the core. The core of him is sadness. It's weak and helpless and I had never known that. I helped him get away from that horrendous lifestyle but I think theres something more there. I think it's something that no one but himself can fix. It makes me really sad that he hasn't contacted me yet. It's probably better though, I don't know?

I don't want to get a head of myself and think I'm so lucky to be healthy and happy and he's not. Even though my family and close friends recognize his issues and depression I can't help but think maybe it's just me? Maybe he truly is happy and now that I'm out of the picture his life is perfect. I know it's irrational but I can't help but wonder how I deserved all this pain and he gets away with nothing?

Heartbroken, from what I have read from you, you sound like you're a woman who has so much to offer and just hasn't been able to fully express it. I hope that makes some sense. Being boxed into a relationship that blinds us from all the suffering is no good. I'm not sure if your ex made you feel like mine did, suffocated/ alone, but I was reading  A Man Without A Country by Kurt Vonnegut and he said something that exploded my mind. He said that many of us today who get married are just one more person for the other person. The man has the woman and the woman has the man. And that's it. He said that a husband, wife, and kids is not a family, but a terribly vulnerable survival unit. What's missing is that extended family. These days when a man meets a woman and if he's anything like my ex, he will put no effort into getting to know them. That's how families break apart. I've seen it happen. And I realized something I put in a lot of effort to be a part of his family. I tolerated everything. But when it came the time for him to even have a dinner with my family, there was always a lot of tension and anxiety. He just didn't care I guess. Well anyway, I found that rather reasoning from Vonnegut really interesting. 

Hope you're having a better day then I am!

Hi, Heartbroken…..

I agree with Sara – he was testing the waters to see if he could come back and have all be forgiven.  Things aren't always as easy or exciting as they think they will be after they leave so they want to have the security blanket in place in case they want to come back.  Mine clearly did that….and found the security blanket in place, and treated me even worse than before because he figured he could.

Good for you for throwing him out after an hour – you showed a lot more strength than I….you should be proud of yourself for sticking to your guns.      In the long run, the clean break is better (not that I'm good at it – obviously!).  Give the BBQ to your brother – or keep it for yourself and make yourself a yummy dinner just for you.      You did a good thing by talking it out but setting your boundaries clearly.

Happy 2010

Hi Ladies

well, ive just come back from staying at my best mates place, only home for a couple of days again to sort out my cat and washing and then going away again for a few days on monday. So im home alone again.  Was doing so good at my friends and already a couple of hours home alone and its hit me again – the loneliness and emptiness

its new years day here everyone so happy new years – i know it may seem hollow for us all right now – but surely 2010 MUST be better than the year we just had? i want to try and be positive

well, i have an update and im hoping you guys can help me decipher it…………….  I left here 2days ago to go stay at my friends for new years.  I have had no contact from the ex for about 2.5weeks since it all went down (3weeks tomorrow….. sad to count it out isnt it).  Anyways, on weds i was getting ready to leave and i got a text from the ex! he said he wanted to come collect his bbq that he had not collected when he left 2.5weeks ago……. now the story behind this bbq – it was the only thing he left behind back then – he committed to collecting it the following day so i left it out the front for him to collect.  he didnt so i emailed him saying if it wasnt gone within 2days i would give it to my brother (who wanted a bbq….) well, no reply from the ex so i told my bro he could have it and just put this bbq in my garage and havent thought to much about it.  my bro just didnt collect it yet by chance.  So i get a text asking if he (ex) could come collect it on weds – i said yep thats fine.  Thats all – i knew i was packing to go away and organising myself but i went into the garage and pulled it out and put it out the front so he didnt have to see me (or me him) and i was hoping to be gone when he came.  I wasnt dawdling and he arrived not long after BUT – instead of bringing a trailer or van to collect this thing (to big for a car) – he knocked at the door and BROUGHT THE GAS BOTTLE FOR IT! back to me! and told me to give the whole thing to my bro……………. i was shocked? firstly for seeing him again after all this time (and the harrowing pain i have been in) second – that he said he was going to PICK up his bbq – but instead brought the gas bottle for it and told me to give it to my brother

He was kinda awkwardly standing at the door so i invited him in – i made us coffee and we went on my deck to talk.  We did the small pleasantaries – how was your xmas – how are your family etc……….  THEN he told me he still loved me and missed me and felt like his arm had been cut off and that nothign felt the same BUT (always a but aye!) he still felt I WAS at fault for alot of things, that things were beyond repairing.  So by now – i was bawling my eyes out – to hear he still loved me and missed me BUT he thought i was to blame and it was not repairable broke my heart all over again.

he arrived in all new clothes and shoes even (when you have lived for 18months with soeone you know their wardrobe inside out), freshly shaven. 

I asked him if he was so numb – how was he able to go and buy a whole lot of new clothes.  I noticed that he must of had his back waxed – i know this sounds so weird to you! BUT again – when we first started dating he always had a smooth back so i didnt know it was hairy ! – when we moved in together last year he stopped getting it waxed and it grew quite hairy! and some of those hairs would peep over his collar – i would use clippers and shave them for him – but i noticed it was all completely smooth around his collar…………  before he left and we were arguing so much – i threw that at him – that he could wax his back for all these other internet women – but couldnt for me and let it all “hang out” so to speak……..  so it was gutting that so soon after we broke up he got it waxed! i had to live with a hairy back! but he got it waxed within days of leaving! so he had all new clothes, had found time to get a back wax – and unbeknown to him – i have posted this before xmas – i saw his credit card statement and the day after – not even 24hours cold – that he moved out – he went to a sex shop and spent $93…………….. 

I know i have posted here how much i miss him and love him – but the sight of him in new clothes, knowing the back was waxed, knowing he spent money in a sex shop – knowing his history and past – i cant even explain in words – how absolutely gutted i was to put these pieces together – for him to come to MY home – after no contact for all this time – not even a merry xmas – and be dressed up in new clothes etc and tell me he missed me and loved me BUT there was no fixing it – i was like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?????????????

its done my head in! absolutely f**ked up any progress i had made. 

he stayed for about an hour – we said so much – we both ended up crying, both ended up yelling and calming down, we hugged even can you believe.  There definately was SOME pain in him  – not as much as mine obviously as i cant even get out of my pj's on the days im home alone! let alone get a wax, go to sex shop for items and buy new clothes!

he asked me if i ever applied for the counselling for couples that i had mentioned to him about 3months ago – when things were getting bad with us ibefore we broke up  told him that the courts here in NZ give 6 free counselling sessions to couples who are married or live together – but back then he was simply not interested – so i begun solo counselling (not free and i have to pay for the sessions).  I said no i hadnt. 

Im so confused.  Part of me just wanted to take him in my arms and ask him to come home.  Part of me wanted to smash him in the face for the new clothes, back wax etc.  Part of me just wanted him to walk out to never come again.  Part of me wanted to dissect every single thing that happened again and have him talk to me for hours…………..  it was horrible.  At times while we were talking i could not simply control my tears – my pain is so raw. He cried – not hard out but a few tears too…….  it was quite an ordeal i can tell you!

i told him i was going to my friends and had to leave and thats how it ended – it basically ended with NOTHING.  I still have no idea what the hell he even wanted – what his motive was? to tell me he loved me and missed me? to tell me it was completely over? the mention of the counselling – he didnt say APPLY for it – but did that mean he wanted to try and do it??????

so he left – and i left – and cried the whole journey to my friends, then cried the whole night in her lap about it all – we both tried to make sense of it – neither of us can figure it out

THEN to make matters worse – he has MADE NO CONTACT – not even to say happy new years since he left here! none what so ever! so its made me even more confused and hurt…………….

i talked all yesterday and today with my friend about the issues, things i found, the things he did, the things i did – really nitty gritty details – she said she would slap me if i ever went back to him………..  i felt strong when i left her place this afternoon – but now im home alone again (just for 2days before i go back) – well – i am re-analysing it all.  What the hell does any of this mean? My mate reckons he is “dangling a carrot” that he came back to see and try to “read” me or “guage” where i was at with it all – and that he will party his way thru the xmas/new year holidays then try and worm his way back in.  I know the guy tho – better than anyone – and for someone to be so f**king cold – not a single scrap of contact for 2.5weeks – not even a merry xmas text – nothing – then just show up and think giving me the gas bottle for the bbq for my brother to take away (but again he went back on his word – said he was COLLECTING the bbq – not bringing the bottle for me to give to my brother!) well – i dont think the dangling carrot thing WAS his motive.  I dont know what the motive was – but i dont think he does want to come back.  I think maybe he is sad – we shared a life, a home, family etc together, i did everything for him – of course there will be a part of him that misses me – or the things i did for him i should say – but to love someone? after all this pain – i just think he wanted to get a “fix” – come see me – but only for his own purposes – not mine. 

so now – im still in pain, i still love him, i still miss him – but now im just confused – completely and utterly confused about everything.  I dont want to contact him and ask him to explain, but i do want to know what the hell it was all about.

so ladies – any comments or help or your thoughts?????

Sara – i hear you loud and clear doll on your post – we shouldnt have to change or be something we arent – they told us they loved US – which to me is loving me (and you) for the people we are – the way we dress, our opinions, our thoughts and feelings, our quirks – just as we accepted them.  My ex wouldnt listen to my opinions either.  He wanted me to be different than what i was – despite telling me he loved me initially because i was who i was! it was all bullshit in the end.  I will look out for that book doll.

Lost – i hope you are doing ok sweets – no posts from you so i just hope things are ok for you

Liz – i hear you too! for days on end, i sat in my pj's,on the couch  – avoiding the world outside so i also completely understand where you are at.  I felt that loss so much too – that one day we were a couple – the next NOTHING.  Like we never existed. 

My new years SUCKED! i was miserable if im telling the truth! thankfully i was with my bestest mate in the whole entire world – he partner is a policeman so he was working new years eve and she was happy for us to sit at home and have a wine on her deck and we just talked and talked all night.  It was lovely to be in her company and be somewhere not alone – it really was – but i couldnt stop thinking of my ex, why he came, what he was doing etc.  We only shared one bottle of wine between us so didnt get drunk or anything.  We had a hug when midnight came, then we sat up some more.  But when i went to bed – i couldnt sleep for the thoughts………… thick and fast they came.  i eventually got to sleep at around 4.30am……………. and woke up early and couldnt get back to sleep

so im back to feeling exhausted, alone and heartbroken! empty and lost.  Not a good start to 2010!  i tried so hard to be positive when at my mates – like HELL YEA! its a new year! i can try to put this behind me and start fresh – but now im back home – its like a cloak overwhelming me again!

anyways! sorry ladies! another big rant.  Any thoughts on this would be appreciated!

Happy new year to you guys on the other side of the world – im glad ive had mine! another day i was dreading – for the plans we had (im not sure if he kept doing the plans we were going to do………. couldnt stop thinking about it!) but now the day has come and gone – i feel like thank god………..

I hope somethign good happens for us all in 2010, i really do

x

*Just to make things clear I meant I wasn't ready to forgive him, not that he would EVER apologize to me or anything.

Hey Lost

Thats another thing i like about here, reading each others situations and being able to talk about our own.

i have the exact same thoughts as you – maybe if i did this or did that.  If i didnt get angry or say this would it have changed – but doll – what you need to realise is that if these men have these tendancies to cause all this shit then walk away and leave us broken – then it was going to happen at SOME point!

When you love someone – you stick by them – just like you and i did with our ex's.  You dont walk away.  You stay, you make it work.  Even if you and i said things or did things (and im no angel here either – i would freak out big time when things happened) we still STUCK by them – we still stood there and tried so very hard to make it work.

and thats not love doll – when we are doing all the work and they reap the benefit but do nothing.

my ex didnt lift a finger in terms of making this relationship work – he didnt lift a finger even physically to help out around the house – in the end seriously he did NOTHING.  he would sit there and let me do everything – despite me also working a fulltime job.  Everythign we did (the stuff i think about as our “good stuff and good times”) was all planned by me.  Just once i wished he just said “babe, dont do anythign this weekend, relax and i will do it” or even cooked one meal – just once.

We loved them, despite their imperfections.  And i know i am not perfect, and i know from my life so far – that no one is.  So i didnt expect him to be.  But i never gave up.  Even after the physical violence! i just thought – this has been a  very shit year, this is a rough patch and once we get to our end of year with work and have an xmas holiday together – things will come right.  Hence why im being so sad and upset – cos im on this holiday alone – and he has already moved on and doing his thing without me……..

these guys gave up – yep, sure, i totally agree – no doubt we both could of said and done things differently – i kick myself every single minute for having bad reactions to things and thinking as  you do – what could i have done differently.  But you know what? at some point – this – the breakups – would have happened.  Even if it was later down the track.  Maybe like i said, if you had moved in with yours, you would of ended up in a similar situation to me.  It wasnt til we lived together that i found out so much more about my ex.  When we were dating – he was amazing.  He would take me to lovely restaurants, turn up in a suit, bring me flowers – id never had a man do those things before.  He was clever, he was funny, so charming, he owned his own property, he had a good job, a nice family………  he would email me every single day saying things like “come over tonight, your smell has gone from my pillow and i need you to top it up”.  Or how much he missed me. It used to make my heart swell with love.  He called me every single night without fail and even tho we only lived a 15minute drive from each other – we would talk for hours every night.  He would text “thinking of you” during the day or evenings before we talked.  We did so much stuff in that dating phase – went so many places and did so many cool things – i thought he was the most perfect person id ever met.  I didnt know of course he was also running an internet sex type dating profile and meeting other people for sex – i didnt find this out til we had been living together for over 6months.  So when he talked about us living together – i was over the moon.  I wanted that too but didnt feel like i could say it……  too shy!  And as much as the bad ive said about him – i too think about all we went thru – we had some big stuff happen in our personal lives, deaths, redundancy, job changes, even my darling cat who id had since birth died this year – he was 16&1/2years old – i loved my boy with every single cell of my being adn fought so hard to save him – and my ex was there for me thru that – it was so extremely awful – and i think of all those things – the good things, the fact i had support and wasnt on my own.  But doll – all that good stuff I THINK ABOUT – but he has somehow forgotten all of it – and has managed to make ME out to be the bad person.   Even tho he was datign me and wooing me so strongly – to know he was also having sex with others fills my tummy with sick, like HOW could he have done that to me? why even PRETEND that i was so important to him.  He would call me around 10.30-11pm at night as he said he was at the gym or seeing friends or even at dinner etc – he was meeting these people – having sex then going home to his apartment and calling me! why the f**k was he doing that?  He's not sitting there thinking about the good stuff, crying and unable to move on with his pain.  I AM! i didnt assault him, cheat on him, lie to him, deceive him……….. yet im the one with all this unbearable pain.  And hes out having a great time

And thats my point doll – your ex is doing the same.  Sure, things happened – they happened here too.  Sure situations occured and we both could of said and done things differently – but couldnt they have as well? its not all our fault and not all our responsibility – and if they loved us for WHO we are – they would of made it work.  But as i said – we both had a real and genuine love for these guys – we put our hearts and souls into trying to make our situations work.  We both gave up everythign to make it work – and it simply wasnt good enough.  I forgave time and again and tried to move past these awful things – and yep, i think the same as you – if only i had reacted this way or that or been more calm – but you know what? they could have as well.  Its not just all OUR fault.  And to put it very simply – in my mind and my way of thinking – if they loved us – they would of made it work.

My ex did so much bad stuff and if i confronted him, he would get into a rage, punching things and throwing things – and it turned me into a person that ended up yelling right back! telling him to f**k off out of the house and calm down etc.  Thats NOT who i am!  i negotiate contracts for a living – and so ive done hundreds of communications courses – in my work life these have served me very well – but at home i was turning into someone i wasnt – i dont yell and swear and get so angry like that.  I dont – but thats the person i became.  I regret that i did that – i regret things i said in anger, i regret it so much.  But you know what shatters my heart? is that HE doesnt regret it – that he can somehow not see his part in all this.  He had the cheek to say to me once “there was much anger in me” and you know what! that ended up being true! i was f**king angry! at my boyfriend emailing other women to spend the day with him, at being cheated on, at being lied to, at being on the receiving end of his anger – i did get angry! but thats how f**ked up he was! he couldnt see what he had done to cause it! he never saw that his constant looking at other women made me feel bad about myself – he siad it was “my problem and my insecurity” but when you boyfriend looks, and talks about and flirts with younger women in short skirts that look nothing like i did – well – yep for sure – it made me insecure! i never was before i met him – i knew i had so much to offer a man and that im not even bad looking! but again – it was twisted to become my fault. People said i should of done the same to him – looked at other men, even gone with another man and even hit him back when he hit me! but thats not me – when i love someone – they have all of me.  I dont play games and im not good with people who do.  One thing i pride myself on is being honest.  I pride myself on being me! im funny, clever, trustworthy, loyal, honest and i never thought id be with someone who was so distorted.  Never.  I thought i had my shit together – that when i met him i was in the best place id ever been personally – good job, good friends, good house, independant and living an honest life , i felt good about myself and how i looked and was confident- and he has f**ked all that up.  Sure i still have the job, and house and friends – but i feel so broken.  I feel like my heart and soul has just split open and everythign has just splilled out.  Like im a shell of the person i used to be.

my friend just called me and i was typing this and having a cry! so im goign down to see her (she lives an hour away) and spend a few days with her.  I dont want to be alone either doll – part of me does so bad and just let this all cry out – but im feeling unhealthy at present – like the last few days ive been in solitary confinement.

So anyways doll, i felt the need to reply toyou – because at the end of the day – if they truly loved us – with all their hearts and we were the “ones” for them – they would of put up a fight – a really big fight – just like we did – to keep us in their lives.  We gave them all our unconditional love, all our energy, all our support – as i said – sure i think as you do – i know i could have said or done things different – but where do they come into it? couldnt they have also? as in TREATED us better? not done these selfish cowardly acts in the first place? we didnt leave them in a crumpled crying heap of a mess for weeks on end – we didnt desert them.  We didnt fool them into thinking we were people we arent.  We had a right to get angry when they were dicking us around. it goes for your situation too – he said so much to you and constantly changed his mind – even if you WERE reacting to situations – what about his part and his responsibility in it? he should be thinking what HE could of done better – he should never have said about engagements if he was only going to take it all back., you told him already that you didnt need that to be with him – so he knew that  He should never have allowed you to leave your job and spend money on moving if he was gonig to take it back.  remember – none of us is perfect – im not perfect, you arent, these men arent and i have no expecations on any human being to be perfect - but we hung in there, accepted them for who they were, we fought to keep these relationships going  even tho they were f**king us around – we both had hope in our hearts that things would change, that we just needed to get thru these “rough” patches and things would settle down – but did they have those thoughts? did they try and make it work? NO! so all the responsibilty doesnt lie with us.  We are entitled to our thoughts and feelings and to lay down our own boundaries, we were entitled to say these things to our partners – these men were a very big presence in our lives – they both made us think we had futures with them - of course we had a right to say our own thoughts and feelings about things - the right men that will eventually love us will respect that – these ex's of ours did not – they didnt respect us.  they might of loved us somewhere inside themselves – but it wasnt enough, and it was never going to be.  I honestly think if you had hung in there longer – your situation would have turned out similar to mine – not all the gritty details - but think about it – if he was so quick tomove on and get a dating profile – whose to say he wouldnt of done that if you'd lived together? there is so much you dont know about him – he may have already been doing it! you just didnt know.    I  know that even if i had done things different and we were still together – that eventually this would have taken such a massive toll , on my health and mental health (more than it already has) and that i  or even him, would of ended up leaving anyways.  It couldnt go on this way.  If i turned a blind eye to it and said nothing (thats all i can see i could have done in my situation) then he would have got worse.  I may have ended up with sexual diseases or worse – he wouldhave found someone whilst living with me – and that would have been even more than i could have bared.

dont beat yourself up doll.  At the end of the day, whilst i have my own opinions on religion – i know you do believe in god.  And surely god or even the universe – doesnt want good women like us living such torturous lives with these creatures (they arent real men to me to have done this damage and horrible stuff then walk away without a care in the world for us).  There has to be a master plan.  There has to be hope and love for us in our futures, i really believe that even tho its hard to think about right now. Maybe like ive said before – we are meant to be learning some kind of life lesson from this – so when the right man DOES come along – we can spot him a mile away – cos he will treat us with respect, he will love us for the people we are.  Thats what i want – to be loved for WHO i am.  Not someone that wants me to be a completely different person, dress differnt or act different. Who doesnt want to hear my opinions and thoughts on things and shoots me down if i say anything.   Cos i never expected my ex to be anyone other than who he was – he had a dorky dress sense! my ex was balding! and i loved him so much for who he was physically and the person he was.  Even now – i wouldnt change a thing about him – except his deceit etc.  And like i said doll – at least here i can be honest – if he came knocking at my door and told me he could see what he had done wrong, take responsibility for it and show me he had changed – id take him back in a heartbeat.  Cos i know it was HIS behaviours that caused this – i take full responsibility for reacting out of character to these things – but he cheated, he lied, he made contact with many other women, he made me feel so bad about myself – i had a right to be chalenging him on these things (we were living together) and i had a right to be angry.  he made me into someone i wasnt. Insecure, untrusting, suspiscious.  Thats not the person i am.  He changed me.  Your ex has changed you to.  What we need to focus on right now is geting ourselves back.  And while im sitting here alone im torturing myself, running things over like a movie reel in my head.  Unfortunately im like you – i think only of the good – the bad thing is – he only things of all the negative – to justify walking away and leaving all this mess behind like none of it is their fault – he isnt feeling like he lost the best thing that ever happened to him.  And i dont want to feel like im sitting around waiting for him to wake up to that.

So doll, im going away for a few days and wont be able to post til i get back.  My friend lives on a farm and they dont even have a computer! lol.  Just what i need i think

So, take good care of yourself, i will come back and read everything and will be thinking of you

I feel lost and alone also.  Im hoping spending time with my friend will help me to get abit stronger and healthier, even just for a couple of days

x