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Hi Kev, sorry to hear that it is over but glad to know that now you have direction.  Trust God and give it to him.  He has your best interest at heart and all things will work together for you good.  Keep your head up.  The best is yet to come.

- Lost

Hi Kev,

Sorry to hear how much you are hurting.  It sounds like you have a sticky situation on your hands.  In my opinion, it sounds like your girlfriend wants to walk away from the relationship for good but she is afraid to.  I could be wrong, but usually people don't pull something like this unless they have been contemplating it for a long time because they are unhappy about the relationship or just not sure about the person.

It sounds as if you have a genuine relationship with God so my advice is to give it to him.  You have to get to the place where He is your portion and no matter what happens, you will be okay.  If she decides she wants to continue the relationship, well great…if that is what you want (you have to consider that she may not really have a clear idea of what she wants and so you run the risk of her pulling something like this again).  But if she decides that it is over- then you have to be okay with that and know that God will take care of you either way…He is your portion.  He knows the desires of your heart.  Trust him to work things out for your good and whatever the the result is- relationship or no relationship- trust and believe that this is God's best for you right now in this moment even though it may hurt like hell.  I have been there and am there so I know how hard it is, but it is doable and there is blessing in the doing.  

I have posted a number of scriptures on the forum for encouragement…you may find them helpful, or not, just wanted to let you know they were there.  Trust God in all things.  He is faithful…just give it to him.  Hope that helps.

-Lost 

Hello all!

I wonder want happened to everyone. I sure missed all the people that post on this website. I hope everyone is doing fine. I can only hope that everyone is are going on with their life. I sure missed everyone.

Lost I hope you are doing fine that you are making the progress

heartbroken I also hope that you are doing fine and hope to hear from you

Sara I hope you are doing good in school

Theseeyes

Hi All, 

Thanks for the responses everyone.  Not the answers I wanted to hear, but the truth all the same.  The truth hurts is all.  It makes me sick to think that my ex had decided to break-up with me long before he ever told me.  What a sick person.  I mean, if he just wanted to break-up then why fly all the way to NY to tell me in person that you cheated on me?  Why not stay in MS and do it over the phone, as this is more likely to end in a break-up?  Why propose marriage?  Why start having a ring made?  Why talk to my parents for over an hour about how I am the love of your life and how you don't want to lose me, and then completely cut me off less than a week later?  So, all the while he was doing this, he had already decided to break it off with me.  Apparently, the decision had already been made and he was just pretending.  All of that was just fluff or whatever. And men say women are crazy. Just makes me sick to my stomach to think about, but I appreciate the response…how ever hard it is to swallow.  

So, I had a bad weekend, or am having a bad weekend.  The 5th of this month marked the official passage of three months since it was all over.  Still have not heard a word from my ex and i don't suspect I ever will.  What could he possibly have to say at this point that wouldn't damage me further anyways.  So, I was just feeling really low on Friday because my situation is still the same.  No change.  No job, no plans, no progress, just stasis.  Three months later and nothing.  My mom had to go to a conference and she wanted me to come.  I really didn't want to go as I knew that I was in foul spirits and when I am like this, it never goes well between the two of us.  But my dad asked me to please accompany my mom and so I did.  Well, it ended just as I suspected- in a huge fight.  I woke up this morning just angry at the unfairness of this entire situation.  Angry that I am so hurt and struggling and my ex is fan-f@*king fine.  So, this just led to us having a huge argument.  I feel that her response to my hurt, anger, frustration is always to criticize.  For example, on Friday, I was just so frustrated because I still have yet to find work and i have been trying so hard.  I have been doing everything…all the way down to visiting the departments in person and introducing myself.  But, she told me it's not enough.  That I am not trying hard enough and that's why I am in the fix I am in.  As you can imagine, this doesn't help because I really am doing everything I can think of short of walking in and demanding a job.  I talked to my dad about my frustration and his response was completely different.  He said he understood how I felt because I have been trying hard and to just hang in there.  That it was okay and something would surface eventually.  I felt better after talking with my dad.  I just don't understand why my mom always just jumps to criticizing me.  According to my mom, I am always not doing something right or having the wrong response in attitude to my situation and that's why things remain so s*@ty for me.  It's like, whatever I am doing is not enough.  I can have four good days in  row, where nothing about my situation has changed and I am trying to keep a positive attitude.  But I have one bad day and I am just a selfish person according to my mom.  Anyways, she said some hurtful things to me during our argument (basically criticisms) and I responded in kind saying if those things where true for me than they were also true for her.  I said that not because I believe it but because I was trying to make a point.  Well, of course she takes it personally.  So, now her feelings are hurt.  It's like every conversation we have, she ends up being the one wounded and I have to apologize.  She always turns the conversation to being about her and how what I am saying and how I am speaking are hurting her.  It's like she can't seem to understand that I am just hurt and broken right now.  On my bad days, I have nothing good to say.  It's not personal.  It's like, we can never actually constructively discuss how I am hurting or the difficulties I am having because the conversation invariably swings to how I am hurting her.  Anyways, I apologized for hurting her feelings as always, but apparently that wasn't enough.  She spent the rest of the evening shutting herself in her bedroom and completely ignoring me.  I am so frustrated.  As if I didn't have enough crap to deal with now I have to deal with my mother's passive aggressive behavior.  It's like she always has to be the one who is most hurt.  I am so sick of it.  Anyways, just venting.  Thanks for listening. 

I hope you all are doing better.  Theseeyes- I am glad to hear that you are feeling better health-wise.  Sorry this post was just all about me.  Obviously I can't talk to anyone here about it.  

Sara- miss you.  Glad to know you are still around.

Kenlee- thanks for the input.

Heartbroken- my other half…where are you?  Missing you terribly.  Hope all is well. 

Always,

Lost

Hi all!

Lost I am so glad that you feeling better and sounding that you finally finding the peace that you are looking for. I believed that you are on the way with the recovery and getting your life back. I am so pleased to hear that. I know god is good and he will be there for us no matter what. I am still have my cold I can not shake it off. I am doing a little better and I am still going to my exerices like a crazy fool. Lost my friend I think I would trade place from you if I could right now. I am more confused than ever. I am not sure if I am progressing or regressing.. I don't have the direction where I wanted to be. I am having very difficult time. My emotion is so uneasy right now. My brain is so messed up like I scrambled eggs and fried it. I don't know what to think anymore. Having contact with my ex is not the best thing for me I need to let it go. I don't really want to write what is going on in this site so I will write you in your personal inbox and let you know the update.

Kenlee I have not change to write you yet but I will this morning I send it to your in box too.

heartbroken you are missed and hope everything is all right with you

Sara same thing hope you are doing fine

theseeyes

Hi All,

Hope you all are doing better.  Welcome Kenlee, I am sorry to hear that you are hurting.  I do think ex's keeping contact the way they are with you and Theseeyes it destructive and hinders your healing process.  You have to cut them off.  I complain that my ex has cut me out of his life, but this is probably better. What would have been best, would have been if “I” had made the decision to cut ties.  But he did, so it hurts and is destructive for different reasons, but I think in the long run, it will be better than if he maintained contact with me or I with him.  I do hope today is a better day for you.

Theseeyes- I hope you are feeling well my friend and your health is restored.  Not much has been going on my end.  I am just learning to trust God and not my circumstances.  I am learning to keep my eyes focused on him and not the situation.  God is growing my faith, and yes- the process is painful.  But I will come out better and stronger all for his glory.  

Tonight, I am going to go see the play “Cats” with my mom.  I am excited. It will be nice to have some mother daughter time.  Also, the last time we saw this play…I was probably 8 or so, my family was going through some really tough times, especially my parents.  So, now she will be able to see the play and enjoy it under better circumstances.  As far as all the heartache stuff, I am pulling through.  I had another dream about my ex last night (I almost typed his name…not that it would matter I guess).  Anyways, in my dream I wasn't begging him to be with me, I wasn't desiring him, I wasn't pursuing him, I wasn't hurting, I wasn't angry.  Believe it or not, in my dream I was forgiving and befriending him.  God is good!  With God's help, I will pull through this.  I am going to be okay.  Right will come out right.  Perseverance with give to hope and my hope will not be disappointed.  

Heartbroken- I miss you so much.  I do hope all is well or at least better. 

I hope you all are doing well and remaining strong.  Do keep me posted.  

Always,

Lost 

Thank you Theseeyes.  You don't know how much it means to me to just know that you are there.  I thank you so much for your words.  I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so awful.  Get sleep…lots of it.  A lot of the time, rest can be the best medicine.  I know sometimes this is hard to do with your sinuses being so stuffed up…gets hard to breath at night.  I will keep you in my prayers.  I am in a better place today.  But as you said this is a roller coaster ride, and unless I work to stay on the level that I am at, I will be falling soon.  I have to work to control my thoughts.  This is my weak spot and where I battle the most.  It's like a downward spiral.  One negative thought leads to another which leads to another which leads to another.  And before I know it, I am depressed.  And then I am hopeless.  And then I am crying.  And then I just want to sleep because I can't take it anymore.  I have to train my mind to stop pondering all the negative things.  I have to learn to control my thoughts.  So difficult.  It's really hard for me.  I am a pessimist at heart, but I believe God is trying to change this quality in me. Growing pains…for sure.  Please, take care of yourself and feel better.  Thanks again for posting.

Always,

Lost 

Hello All,

Where is everybody?  I feel like the only one who doesn't have life.  I have been checking and checking to see who has written anything new.  But you all are busy or doing better.  And you know what, that's good!  Ya!  I wish I could say the same for me, but I can't.

I went to my job interview on Thursday and while it should have been a good day because I finally had an interview, I was crying on the inside.  No one there saw it, but I was just breaking into a million pieces all over again.  My life sucks anymore.  I had worked my ass off to be exactly where I was: in a place I loved, at a job I loved, with a man I loved.  Well, the man turned out to be fake and in the process of not knowing that, I gave up my great job in a great place.  Now, I find myself interviewing for a job that pales in comparison to the last one I had, in a city I hate.  I have not only gone back to square one, I have past it.  How, in my broken state, can I take this offer that doesn't even being to scratch the surface of what I had and be satisfied.  If only, I had just lost the guy (who, let's face it, needed to be lost) instead of everything.  But that's not what happened.  I lost everything I have ever worked towards.  And now I can find no opportunities that even compare.  How do I heal, when this is the case?  How do you move on from heartbreak, when every day is a dreadful reminder that you had it all and now you have nothing?  When, even though you are trying to move forward and make things better, you can't.  Because no matter what, none of the options available compare to what was lost.  I feel as if there is a huge space in my heart that used to be satisfied with all the good things I had worked so hard for.  Well, those good things where taken from me and now all that is left is the huge empty space.  I am trying to fill it again, but the only options on the table are pieces that don't fit.  How do you pick a piece when all of the available pieces are the wrong one?  How do you ever get whole again, when nothing is better than what I had?  If I have to settle, which it seems as if this is the only option I have- to take an imperfect piece and attempt to make it work- how will I ever be whole again?  I feel as if I will live with this regret for the rest of my life because I will never get back what I lost.  I can't even find a great job like the one I had.  I feel so hopeless.  What's the point to trying to be whole, when none of the pieces fit?

Sorry…I am just in a really dark and hopeless place right now.  I hope that none of you are here.

Always,

Lost. 

Hi All,

Heartbroken- you remember how I said that I try to thinking positively, but I have those bad days.  Well, today is one of them.  I haven't been back in AZ for even 24 hours and already I just feel so hopeless.  I just hate it here so much.  I don't want to be here, but it seems as if this will be the place that I will find a job.  I hate it.  I don't even know why I hate AZ so much.  It just has always been this valley of hopelessness in my life and I can't really identify why.  I hated living here a a child, as a teen, as a young adult.  I can remember my first three months in NYC I finally felt alive.  It was great.  It was the same for me in HI.  I was broken, but I was alive and for the first time after such brokenness, I actually wanted to be alive.  But now I find myself back in AZ and the hopelessness and depression have come back.  I spent the day sleeping, partly because I was tired and partly because I just didn't want to wake up and face where I am.  It has almost been three months and NOTHING has changed- NOTHING.  The only time things changed where in HI.  I was laughing, joking, hoping, healing.  And here I just feel defeated.  Here in AZ, my defeat is just so evident.  Evident in the dead desert that surrounds me, evident in the unemployment, evident in the fact that I am worse off now then when I left AZ three years ago.  When I left I was happy, whole, full of hope, dreams, and ambition.  Now- nothing.  I am empty.  I am sad.  I cry and all I want to do is just escape this place.  I HATE IT HERE!  I do not want to be here, but I have no where else to go.  I HATE MY EX.  For right now, I just HATE HIM! I hate him for what he took from me.  I hate him for the fact that he is happy now and I am suffering.  I hate him for how easily he has forgotten me.  I HATE HIM.  I just want to fly to MS with a baseball bat and beat the living s**t right out of him.  Just beat him until he can't cry anymore. I know it sounds horrible, but this is how I feel and what I want.  I know it won't solve my problems, but it will make me feel better if even for a moment.  It will make me feel better and for once, he will hurt.  For once, he will feel all the pain he has so carelessly inflicted upon me.  For once he will have to bear the consequences to what he has done.  But that is nothing but a fantasy.  I know that I won't fly to MS.  I won't beat him.  That I will just remain here in AZ and try to fix the mess that is now my life. I am so angry right now.  I just want my life back and I have no idea how to find it.  I just want my heart back and this too I have no idea how to find.  Oh, that I had NEVER met my ex.  I would give anything to go back in time and never speak to him.  Never know him.  I feel like I made so much progress in HI and now I have lost it all upon returning to AZ.  I hate this place.  It kills all the joy on this inside of me.  And I wish I knew why.  I really do.  But I don't.  I don't know why I hate AZ.  I don't know why it makes me so sad to be here.  I don't know why I hated it from the very beginning.  And I hate the fact that I don't know because then I don't even know how to fix it.  I am so sad with my life right now.  And I don't know how to fix it because everything that I desire is out of reach.  Everything.  A great job, in a great place, a transformed ex and restored relationship just don't seem to be in my cards.  I am so hopeless today, so very hopeless.  I just don't know what I am supposed to do.  I just can't seem to catch a break anywhere.  I am so tired of crying and yet here I am crying because my situation is so hopeless.  I want it to get better and I have tried but all the avenues I pursue end in failure.  I am just trying to find a great job in a great place and I can't.  It's as though after being so completely broken, and still being completely broken, that wasn't punishment enough.  Now I have to live in a place I hate or have a job I hate.  Those are the options.  What happened?  What did I do so wrong that I should be punished so?  And what did my ex do so right that he should prosper? I have no answers.  And neither does anyone else.  So I am just lost.

Theseeyes- Thank you for the encouraging words, but I just don't see what God could possibly have for me in the state of AZ.  I lived here for 22 years and didn't find anything except reasons to leave.  I am just so miserable when I am here and yet here is where the good job is.  I am so frustrated, so hopeless.  As if being broken wasn't enough.  Now this.  As if loosing the man I believed to be the love of my life wasn't enough.  As if loosing my heart wasn't enough.  As if loosing my dream job wasn't enough.  Now I stand a look forward to the next years of my life and I can either work in a job I hate or live in a place I hate.  These are my options.  What is the point?  I hate this.  I hate where I am.  And I hate my ex for everything he did.  EVERYTHING.  I HATE HIM.  And I hope he is miserable.  I am so angry right now.  I am sorry but I am so angry and I just needed to vent because I can't talk to my parents.  They would just be angry with me.  I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so sick.  It sounds like you are doing all the right things.  Get as much sleep as possible.  I hope you feel better.  

Always,

Lost 

Hello All,

Heartbroken- I am so happy to hear from you, but so sad to hear how much you are hurting.  I wish I was there.  I just want to hug you, and just support you, just be there in a way beyond my words.  Please, don't apologize for not posting.  You are not obligated to post…i just worry about you with that nut case so close by.  He is a jerk!  A complete jerk!  He is never going to assume responsibility for anything…NEVER.  But you know what, that doesn't change the truth and it doesn't change what really happened.  The truth exists, whether he chooses to acknowledge it or not.  And the great thing about the truth is it doesn't require his approval or acknowledgment to be the truth.  Let him live in his dream world where you are the “problem”.  I give it 5 months until he meets someone else and then she will be the reason why nothing is working out in his relationship.  

He assumes no responsibility because he doesn't want to change. He wants to be the person that he is at the expense of everyone else around and he doesn't give a S**t who he hurts because he does have once ounce of empathy.  I have to deal with the same s**t when it comes to my ex, but on a less damaging scale.  I have to accept the fact that according to him, he was coerced into our relationship, that I was the obsessed, crazy girl who was tenaciously holding onto him, when he all the while was just trying to do the sane thing and get out of an unstable relationship.  I am the responsible party when it comes to the “why's” of why our relationship was so unstable.  It was because of MY inappropriate behavior that he had to choose to move to MS in the first place. All the distress, instability, and unhappiness in our relationship was because of my behavior and the volatility it produced.  And this is why he could never be sure about me.  It was my fault that the relationship progressed as far as it did because i would cry and so then he would be forced to just tell me what I wanted to hear to calm me down.  

This is the reality he has created for himself.  And this is the story that the tells all those around him, and thus he has their support, and thus he will never be challenged to change.  And while some days this very thought makes me spit, I have to just accept that while he has re-created history  in his head, it doesn't change the truth.  The truth exists and his acknowledgment is not required.  He can lie to everyone about what happened.  He can lie to me about all his reasons.  He can even lie to himself.  But at the end of the day, the truth is remains- steady and unchanged.  So I comfort myself in knowing that he can lie to me, he can lie to his friends/family, he can even lie to himself- but he can't lie to God.  God sees, and God will repay.

 As I said, in the very beginning when you and I first started posting…people reap what they sow.  I know you don't believe in God the way I do so you can take this for what it's worth: But in the Bible, the passage of scripture that talks about people sowing and reaping starts by saying that “God will not be mocked”.  This principle of sowing and reaping is his principle, not mine or yours.  So, the burden does not lie on our shoulders to see that it happens.  God will not be mocked and he will repay to those what it is due them.  So, I take comfort in this.  And when I become incensed because it appears that my ex has completely devoid himself of any responsibility for how he used me, manipulated me, lied to me, and shattered my heart and life…I remember who I belong to.  I belong to God…and he will see to it that I am vindicated.  Trust me, whether you believe in God, Karma, or whatever, these men will get what's coming to them.  One day they will have to own up to the sick individuals that they are.  Destructive behaviors that are left unchallenged, are left unchanged, and they eventually lead to the utter destruction of the individual.  

Honey, we got away.  And as much as that hurts…because it hurts me too to think of it that way, it is the truth.  These men where not the individuals they portrayed themselves to be in the beginning.  They are not the charming men that we were deceived to fall in love with.  This is going to hurt, it hurts every time I say it to myself- This man NEVER loved you.   He doesn't know what love is and he is incable of loving you.  The same goes for my ex.  In his farewell email to me, he told me that he “will always love me”.  Well, the truth is he never has and he never will.  He has NO CLUE what love is.  Neither of them do.

 Heartbroken, don't let this man's refusal to accept responsibility for what he did destroy you.  He will never concede to the faults he bears.  Just like my ex has recreated history so he doesn't have to face the disgusting person that he is-  he is a good catholic, who loves God.  And because of this, I cannot allow my healing to depend on his acknowledgment of what he did to me and our relationship.  I struggle with this…a lot, but this is just the way it is going to be and I have to accept it.  Not for his benefit, but for mine.  I need to just accept that this is the way it will be- I may never get an apology from him, and in his mind it will always be my fault. But you know what, that I can live with.  I can live with knowing that he is some delusional jerk who will eventually get his.  What I can't live with is a man who lies to me, who manipulates me, who uses me, who takes me for everything I am worth and then throws me to the dogs when he is finished with me.  This, I cannot live with.  As I have said before, I would rather be whole and single, than coupled and broken.  

These men weren't worth the effort then and they are not worth the heartbreak now.  Hon, the only help you need is help to heal and help to get away from this man.  Remember what he is.  He is a narcissist.  They abuse their partners and then create the illusion where they are the victims and their partners are the ones with the pathology.  Look, the only one who is buying his bulls**t story is him.  He is delusional.  He is sick.  NOT YOU.  You are broken, and so we just need to focus on healing you.  Not on him…he is a lost cause.  There is no fixing him.  

Don't get down on yourself because it still hurts like hell.  You invested so much into this man, and then had to find out that none of it was real.  It's like having a psychotic break with reality and a broken heart all at the same time.  It's overwhelming…I know!  Grieve…you are entitled to it.  But don't get lost there.  The only advice I have is to not let what this man says about you penetrate you (I know, easier said than done).  Remember that he does not function like a normal person because he is hardly a person at all…if that.  Don't let your healing depend on his ability or willingness to accept responsibility for what he did.  He's not going to.  But you can heal without this because the truth is the truth. His acknowledgment of the truth is not needed.  

I know there aren't many positives right now.  And even the positives that are there wilt in the shadow or all the negatives, but tend to those positives daily.  Whatever they are…focus on them.  Ponder these things.  Start to train you mind to focus on the good.  Every time you start to walk down that path of “I will never find love”, “how could he (insert abusive behavior here) me”, “how could he hurt me”, “I miss him”, “it will never get better”…etc, stop the thought.  As tempting as it is to ruminate and just continue that thought process it…start to make yourself think the opposite.  This is what I am trying to do and some days I do well and other days not so much.  But I just keep at it.  If I have a day, where I just need to cry and be angry and I have tried to be positive but it is not working, well, then I just take the time and let myself grieve and cry and then I start over.  I don't pretend that my circumstances aren't the circumstances that they are, but I work to believe that they will not remain the same but improve for the better.  It's hard, and like I said, some days I  just can't do it.  But for those days, that I can, it does make it better.  I can smile…maybe even laugh.  But most importantly, I can hope and for this I am most grateful.  We will get through this Heartbroken. We will make it and we will be better when we come out on the other side.  I am going through this with you and I will not leave you behind.  Please, take care of yourself and when you are ready to post again…I will be here to read and share.  If anything I said offended you, I apologize.  Please, know that wasn't my intent.  Be well, Heartbroken.  It will get better- for us both.

Theseeyes- I hope you are doing better.  I am actually back in AZ.  I have a job interview here, but I am so torn.  HI was wonderful and I just want to go back.  I had a great job in a great city and I just want the same thing.  I want a great job in a great place but it just doesn't seem feasible.  AZ has the better jobs but I hate it here.  HI has the not so good PA jobs but the place is amazing.  I am so torn.  I don't know what to do.  Any advice?  

Sara- I hope I didn't offend you by my post.  I am so sorry if I did.  I hope you are feeling better.

Goodnight all.  Will be back tomorrow to post.  I can post regularly now that I am back in AZ.

Always,

Lost

Hello all!

Lost I hope you feeling better……. I missed you I really feel alone this days…. No one to talk to I started my journal. Things are the same with me except that I thin I am getting a cold. This weather is just something else cold here and snowing….. I got to work graveyard tonite I guess it be good… I can get my mind off my ex-boyfriend…. I hope anyway….

brokenhearted I hope you are all right haven't heard from you more than a week now and we all worry about you…… I pray that you are ok.

Sara how are you doing? I hope you all doing better missed you all here…… I am just trying to survive and trying my darnest to keep myself busy. Take care all of you and hope to hear from you guys again…..

Theseeyes

Hi All,

Welcome Neveragain- thank you for all the positive encouragement and direction. While what you say is hard to hear, it is the truth.  However hard it is, I do have to stop thinking about him, replaying in my head all that went wrong, thinking of what I could have done differently, reliving all the ways he hurt me, missing what was taken away, and waiting for him to come back.  I have to stop.  I can't live like this and at the end of the day it only hurts me, not him.  But it is easier said than done and really the only thing that is sustaining me at the moment is God and the prayers of those who are interceding for me.  This is my lifeline.  And so I am clinging to God  with everything I have in me.  And for me, this is helping.  Yes, I have my bad days, and trust me, they can be VERY BAD.  But, tomorrow is a new day.  And that's how I have to look at it.  Not as ANOTHER day, but a new day.  A new day for me to forget the former things and pursue what lies ahead, whatever that may be because at the moment, I don't even have a clear picture of what that is.  I do love my ex.  I wouldn't say that I am obsessed.  I stayed because I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  I stayed because he portrayed himself to be someone who really did want to be with me. And so I stayed and I fought for the relationship because I was under the impression that we really loved one another that it was real, but he just had issues.  My ex is not a “loser” in the sense that he has his act together.  But only in the professional sense.  When it comes to personal relationships…he sucks.  Unfortunately, I just didn't realize how I had been used, lied to, manipulated, deceived until the very end when it didn't really matter anymore.  Do I still love him? Yes.  Love is not loving someone just because they treat you right.  Love is loving someone in spite of how they may treat you.  This is love.  But just because I love him doesn't mean that I have to let him hurt me.  And this is where the distinction lies between love and obsession.  At least in my mind.  Obsession has nothing to do with love though it may seem so.  Obsession is letting the other person hurt you and not caring, and coming back for more because, well, you are obsessed.  I love him, but I don't want him.  Not the person he his.  I want the person that I know he should be and he has the potential to be.  I want the person who is whole and healthy.  But like you said, I can't change him and neither can my love.  I am not sure that he can even change himself at this point.  He doesn't want to…hence the outcome of everything.  But while it was just a game to him, my love for him was genuine and it still is.  But just because I love him, it doesn't mean that I have to let him hurt me and it doesn't mean that I have to sit here and put my life on hold because I am hoping that he will change.  I have given everything to God and it is his problem now.  I have chosen to focus on the things that I can change to better my situation and myself.  And with this, I am satisfied.  I still hurt, but will time, this too will pass.  Again thank you for all the encouraging words and clarity.  I am glad to see that you have made it to the other side.  I hope to join you there one day but I am still on my journey.

Sara- I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time.  I don't think there is anything wrong with you (although if you feel like you may hurt yourself, please get help).  I think you are hurting, like hell, and it sucks.  I have been there.  My senior year of college I experienced my first heart break ever.  It killed me.  I was a mess and at the same time, I was going to my interviews for PA school.  It was one of the most challenging times of my life, although right now is surpassing it by far.  But like you, I reached a point where I felt as if school was all I had.  That was it…and that's not much.  But the truth is, I did have more.  I was simply not seeing it or choosing not to see it because it wasn't that ONE thing that I wanted.  I did have more than school.  I had my family, I had a least two friends, I had my job, I had my health, I had the ability to pursue my future.  Was that what I really wanted at the time?  No.  I wanted a special someone…THE special someone.  I wanted all that I was working for to mean something because, well let's face it, what's it all for if you don't have someone to share it with, right?  But I had to learn to look past the moment, because in truth it was just a moment.  It was a season and it didn't last forever.  As life always does, it continued on.  And eventually, I left that school where there were NO guys and I landed in NYC where there are millions!  But in order to get to that point, I just had to accept that I wasn't going to have what I wanted in that moment.  And it hurt like hell.  But I had to learn to be okay without a guy or a partner.  I had to learn how to make it all worth it because I was there and that was all that was needed.  I had to learn to appreciate the love and enjoyment that I did have through my family and friends.  Yes, this is not the same love and companionship that you have in a relationship and it's not meant to be, but it is priceless and valuable in its own right, and for that season in my life, I had the opportunity to focus on that treasure.  Use this time to focus on things that you don't have the opportunity to focus on when you are in a relationship- school, yourself, and all your other relationships.  It hurts to try and even do that…I have been there and am there currently, but it does help.  At least it helps me.  If school is all you have then pour yourself into school.  Find other activities that you enjoy.  Go to the gym.  Learning something new.  Invest in you right now.  Even if it is hard right now and it's not enough.  I know that this is probably not what you want to hear.  I didn't want to hear it either…I still don't.  But it did help in the past and it helps now.  Don't focus on everything that is wrong.  Try and focus on what is good about this time or what can be good during this time.  And you may have only one thing…like your health but then focus on that and what it enables you to do.  Hang in there, Hon.  I know it is not easy.  Heartbreak never is.  I do apologize if anything I have said offended you.  Please, know that that was not my intent.  I hope some of what I said helps.  Please, take care of you.

Heartbroken- I really do hope you are okay.  I am starting to worry. 

As for me, I am okay.  Still hurts, hurts like hell at times, but I am trying to focus on the positives right now.  God is helping me.  And I trust that he will continue to help me and one day I will not be “okay” I will be “better” and blessed. 

Be Well Ladies,

Lost

Hello all!

Neveragain- welcome! Yes, I was too  glad had found this site when my ex-boyfriend broke my heart. It helps me to vent my frustration, my loneliness and emptiness. I had read your post and glad that you are over with your ex. I also want to know what kind of self help book that you had. I read break up because its broken. I also read insperation story and this and that sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I had been trying to be strong and overcoming my pain and sorrow. I pray to god everyday and night especially when I am feeling defeated. I am so confused most of the time. I tried to improve myself and yet I still don't get the satisfaction. I am still hurting and still love my ex… I know I don't deserved the pain he made me go through and yet I still in love with him. I feel such a fool…I am still trying my very best to love myself and take care of myself and still working on self improvement. I know I have long ways for recovery….

Lost how are you my friend sorry that you are getting sick. I am glad that you are still continuing your zumba. I am really enjoying my dance classes and will continue doing it as long as I can. i went to class this evening. Ball room dancing. I really like it and hope that i can be really good at it. There are so much to learn. I had been working over time and keeping myself busy but it still been so hard for me to feel pain free. This valentines day been really hard on me I spend making some egg rolls on this day and tried not to think of what my ex doing? Off on and he popped on my mind and get really depressed. I don't know I feel sometimes that I am losing this battle. can someone please advice me what to do when I am feeling defeated when things seems to not to work. I need help and support from everyone.

Sara hope you are doing fine glad that you are checking in

brokenhearted still missing you and hope that you are all right.

theseeyes

Hello All,

Sorry I haven't posted for awhile.  I am staying with my brother and his family and it's hard to get privacy and computer time.  

Anyways, to Tdinky and Lostandalone, this is my advice- RUN!!!  I think you should just get away from these guys.  Lostandalone, I think you just need a clean break with you ex so he doesn't have the ability to play these minds games with you.  You are the one who is paying for it emotionally at the end of the day.  Not him.  He's sleeps like a baby, I am sure of it.  Don't let him do this to you.  Cut him off and out of your life completely.  No one is worth the emotional pain and damage.  No one.  

Tdinky, honey, if you have any doubts, I would just get out.  You are still healing.  Now, is not the time to take risks.  Go with your gut.  Be overly cautious.  This is for your protection.  At the end of the day it is better to whole and alone, then with someone and broken all over again.  

This is  my advice ladies.  I wish you both well and hope that it turns out okay for you both.  I would hate to hear that you have been hurt even more.  

Theseeyes- I still go to Zumba as often as I can.  I did go today but I just couldn't keep up.  I think I am getting sick.  Everyone in my brother's house has been coming down with something and now it is just my turn.  But I will keep going anyway.  I have been crying a lot lately.  I still hurt. Like you, God is helping me as well, but the pain is real and still ever present.  I cannot wait for the day when I will look back on this all and only remember with my mind, not my heart.  I still have not heard anything from my ex.  NOT one word.  Not that I think it would be good for me to hear from him at this point.  It would just be hurtful, so I guess I should be grateful, but it just hurts so deeply to know that I am so easily forgotten and disregarded.  He never loved me.  NEVER.  You know, he deceived me into sleeping with him.  When I met him and we started dating, I told him that I don't sleep around, that I did it once because I was curious but that my curiosity was satisfied and I was waiting for marriage.  

Well, when I first told him this, he told me that he had been in relationships where he had had sex and relationships where he hadn't and that a girl's wishes should be respected.  Well, over the course of three weeks, that story changed.  So much so, that he wrote me an email telling me that he thought i had intimacy issues and that I was being unreasonable and naive and that he didn't think it was going to work out.  Later on when we reconciled and he apologized, he told me that he had just never been put on the spot before about the whole sex thing and that it really wouldn't matter either way if it was the right person.  

Well, a month later, he changed that story telling me once again that I had intimacy issues.  That is was unreasonable to expect a mature man to wait for marriage.  That maybe I could expect this from a younger man, but not an older man.  That sex was a part of every mature adult relationship.  That he had been in many relationships, and they had all involved this aspect of intimacy.  That only one of his relationships didn't and it was when he was young and it has only created problems for the relationship.  So, he basically created this picture that he was experienced, older, wiser, and more mature and that I was showing my youth and inexperience to ask him to wait.  So, I had sex with him.  I didn't find out until the end of the relationship that he was a virgin until he was 32 (this was one year before he met me) and he had only slept with one girl (his ex before me).  So basically, he lied to me just to get in my pants.  That wasn't even real.  All those times, our first time, and I thought I was sharing something special with him.  But I wasn't.  Hell, he lied to me to get it.  Like it was no big deal.  Just lied.  Fabricated an entire story to manipulate me and take from me that which was not his to take.  From the very beginning he lied to me and used me to simply get from me what he wanted.  I never meant anything to him.  I was never a person to him.  I was trash.  A disposable item.  It makes me sick to my stomach to thing how selfishly he used me.  What is even more sickening is how he did it with a straight face and a clean conscience.  Oh, but he is not selfish mind  you.  He is also not a liar.  He is a good Catholic who loves God and is simply flawed just like everyone else.  What an A**.  

Love you ladies.  Be careful with your hearts.  No one else is going to take care of it for you.

Always,

Lost 

tdinky- Do you really want another heartbroken? I am not sure if you are over with your ex totally but don't put yourself in the same situation where you were at. You mention that you have a hunch that you are in compitition with this younger girl. Do you want to take that chance again.  The choice is for you to make. I can only tell you my past experience. I did that before I went from one relationship to another relationship because it was easier for me to move on but obviously didn't work out because I am back with heartbroken. This time I will do different I want to heal my heart completely…. I want to learn to love myself and make myself happy.  I am telling you not easy thing to do because you do get lonesome and the memory of my ex keep haunting me. Yes, I feel all alone my life is like a roller coaster up and down….. Being valentines today didn't help any but I am grateful that god help me to go through my hardest moment. Please analyze your situation before you leap….. Heartbroken is so hard to heal and I just dont want you to go through with it again. Be strong have faith with yourself. Have a dream for yourself and try to achieve it. Believe me it help me go through each day….. There are times I caught myself hoping that I will meet a man for me but I pull myself back and say oh no you don't…. You don't need a man to make you happy…. I have to make myself happy and if I can do that then the rest will be easy…..Now, I am working harder with my goal and my dreams. I read insperation quote and it help me a lot. I turn off the tv when its time to go to sleep and have that time for god…. I talked to him till I fall asleep and pray that he help me go through the pain I am experiencing.

Good luck to you and I hope you make a wise decision….

Theseeyes

Hi All,

Theseeyes- Like you, I wish that this pain could quickly go away.  But with heartbreak only time and God heal these wounds.  At least I didn't have to sit at home tonight thinking about my ex and how he is spending his holiday.  I can't wait for this month to be over.  I really can't.  His birthday is this month as well.  I just want to be done with it already.  

Anyways, I don't have much to say tonight. I dreamt about him again last night.  Once again, I was calling him and calling him, trying to get him to talk to me so we could work things out.  Eventually, I was able to reach him and he was angry with me.  I was trying to get him to give me another chance.  Just trying to convince him that we could work this out.  I was in a park at one point, and I saw a man walking towards me on the phone and I thought it was him.  I had such relief and such joy.  He was there.  He was coming to me.  We were going to work it out.  At that point, it didn't matter all the pain he put me through or how deeply he had wronged me.  He was coming back! And we were going to be together again!  This is how I felt in my dream.  When I woke up I just felt sick to my stomach, because as much as I try to deny it, subconsciously, my heart is still in this place.  Two and half months down the road, with no word from him, and after all the tears I have cried and this is where my heart remains.  I want to take myself and bash my head against a wall.  This is ridiculous.  But I just don't know how to get my heart to change.  Like you Theseeyes, I am at a loss.  I wish I had the answers.  I wish I could just harden my heart the way he has.  For this reason only, I wish I was like him.  I wish that I could just as easily disregard him as he has disregarded me.  But unlike him, I guess I am a real human being with feelings.  So that makes it harder for me in the long run.  

Well, that's all for tonight.  Can't wait to hear from you Heartbroken.  It has been too long.

Be Well,

Lost