How long will it be before you can get through your daily routine without feeling the wave of pain sweep over you, without sensing that knot in the pit of your stomach, without dwelling on what went wrong? If these are some of the questions you are asking yourself, you are not alone.

A broken heart can cause such an intense reaction that many of us feel our lives have been completely stripped of meaning. Jobs, hobbies, and friends no longer hold any joy for us. In fact, some even experience physical pain with a tight chest, nervous stomach, or terrible insomnia. Time heals all wounds is what we have all heard over the years, but do you really have to wait for time to heal these wounds? Absolutely not. There are exercises that you can do to experience remarkable relief to your pain. They were developed by people who have been in this pain and sought a better way to heal.

Whether you are 22 or 62, the first step is to determine from which type of broken heart you currently suffer. That’s right – there are actually 4 different types of broken hearts. Several factors determine the type broken heart from which you may suffer including your relationship history, the type of relationship, the reasons for the break-up, and many more. Once we know where your heart stands, we can give you customized healing advice.

Ok, so where should you start? Start with the first healing step – the survey – to see where you stand. Get an instant, on the screen evaluation. There are 16-questions and the entire survey can be completed in about 2 minutes. If your ready to see which of the 4 types of broken heart you suffer from, then let’s go.

Ready? Take the Survey

You are sitting with your cell phone staring at a text message you wrote to your ex hours ago. You debate whether to send it or not. You stare at your phone while your mind tells you to have more respect for yourself. You logically understand that sending the message is not going to make the situation any better – nor will it heal your pain. Then your heart enters the scene and overpowers your mind. Your heart says, “Go ahead, send it, you will feel better…temporarily at least.”

The scenario above represents one example of a misalignment between your heart and your mind that is a common occurrence after a break up. Every decision you make is determined by a combination of your logic and emotion. If these different elements that make you who you are, are not in agreement, you will understandably feel conflicted and make decisions that reflect this conflict.

The concept of alignment will help you understand why you may have been in a relationship that was not good enough for you. It will also help you understand how to use your logic to help heal your broken heart. Let’s look at some more examples of what happens when your heart and mind disagree with one another.

Scenario 1 – During the Relationship

Your mind says, “I deserve more – this relationship is not right.”
Your heart says, “Stay, it will work out.”

If you were in a relationship where it was obvious that you were not receiving the love, respect, and engagement that you deserve, then your mind was probably nudging you during the relationship and asking you, “Why are we still here?” You remained in that relationship for longer than you should have because your heart believed that your mate and relationship could change.

Your heart believed that it was better to be in a relationship that was mediocre than to be alone. Your heart was saying to you, “Hey, give it a chance, it’s not that bad.” Your mind and heart were not aligned and this probably led to fighting, to an internal struggle, and eventually the break up. Often when we want more from a relationship than we are getting, we continually try to get ‘more’ by attempting to change the person we are with or by forcing other changes in the relationship. This is generally a destructive path.

Scenario 2 – During the Relationship

Your heart says, “This relationship is everything I need.”
Your mind says, “There are red flags here that I shouldn’t ignore.”

When one partner in a relationship is not happy, they usually provide indications either verbally, in the form of passive-aggressive behavior, or via non-verbal actions of their discontent. If you are the other partner that is madly in love, you do actually receive the red flags as signals in your mind. Unfortunately, your heart overpowers your logic in this case. Your heart speaks so loudly about how in love you are and how perfect everything is, that you drown out the messages your mind has received.

Eventually, after the break up, it is easier to see the red flags were present in your relationship. You also may realize that some of the reason you were deeply attached to your ex was because you loved the idea of being in love. If you relate to this scenario, remember, you deserve a love with equal give and take. Reciprocity is essential to the success of a relationship and you should never have to convince someone to love you as much as you love them.

Scenario 3 – After the Break Up

Your mind says, “I am going to be okay. In fact, before long, I’m going to feel like myself again.”
Your heart says, “The pain is excruciating, I don’t think I will ever feel at peace again.”

After your break up, if you sit quietly and listen to your inner voice, you will hear hope inside. This hope is telling you that you will feel better, that you will live life once again with passion, and that you will experience love once again. The information you are being sent from your mind  is based on your history and the fact that you have overcome obstacles in the past. Your mind remembers the times where you have faced adversity and have come out on the other side stronger and brighter. Your heart is speaking out of fear; listen to your mind – it has a strong basis for giving you hope.

Listen to words from friends, family, and counselors even if they do not feel like they are helping to heal your broken heart. Every single word helps. Listen to every word someone with experience has to tell you. Up until now, we haven’t discussed the subconscious mind. Positive messages to your subconscious mind can overpower negative ones from your heart. Everything you are reading and listening to about healing is entering your subconscious and will help you heal faster.

Above I have discussed the logical mind being overpowered by a somewhat illogical heart. Please note, the situation can certainly occur in reverse. Your heart may experience genuine love yet have seeds of doubt planted by an insecure mind. These scenarios will be discussed in a future post.

For now, continue reading about how to heal your broken heart, keep listening to supportive friends and family, and find your inner strength. Sit quietly and listen to all parts of yourself – your mind, heart, and soul and bring them into alignment.  If you are looking to heal your heartache from your current break up, join the Step to Heal program and accelerate your healing.

For someone who writes about relationships, it is pretty risky to make the statement that age matters; however, I believe in speaking the truth. I also believe in voicing the concerns of the those that visit this site. From this vantage point and with respect to love and heartbreak, age definitely matters.

Here is the reason why: we each have a grand plan for our life based on age. It goes something like this:

•    In my teens, I’ll get into a good college or get a good job.
•    In my early twenties, my career will start to take off.
•    By my mid-twenties, I will meet the person of my dreams.
•    In my thirties, I will be married and have 2.2 beautiful children.
•    In my forties, I’ll be running the company for which I’ve been working.
•    In my fifties, I’ll reflect back on my life and my grown children and smile.
•    In my sixties, I’ll retire and travel the world.

Sound familiar? Give or take a few years and interchange a couple of details and these types of age confined dreams are quite universal. So what happens when things don’t go as expected? What happens when instead of two kids in our thirties, we end up with our heart in two pieces? We feel broken.

Not only is our heart shattered, so too is our self-perception.  It is critical to understand that the pain one feels after a break up is only partially due to the separation from our mate. What causes equal, if not greater, agony is dealing with our crushed dreams. Our dream to be a certain age and have accomplished certain things has been stolen. To overcome the challenge of heartbreak based on age related fears, we must face them head on.

Fear: I’m getting older and will be alone. So you are 35 or 45 or [insert your age] and you are alone. You are scared. This is natural. Many people have a fear of aging – period. Heck, the entire beauty industry thrives on our distaste for more age. When you mix the panic of being alone with an aversion of getting older, the combination results in a very potent fear.

Hope: On this website there are thousands of visitors (no exaggeration) in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and yes, 60s that are looking to get over an old love in order to find a new one. You are not alone. The times have changed and people are looking to be in a healthy, loving relationship. As such, there is no dearth of available men and women. After you have gone through the stepped process for recovery and you are ready, you will begin dating again. Regardless of your age or whether you have had it in the past, true love will find you.

Fear: I am damaged goods. Almost all of us have had experiences which have left us feeling less than perfect; however, they are experiences, not who you are. I have always been puzzled by the statement, “I am divorced.” If this is your situation, remember, it is not a I am statement, it is an I have gone thru statement. No one is fundamentally flawed – especially not those who work actively to heal their wounds.

Hope: Absorb the power provided by an example. Find someone around you who has triumphed over adversity in their life. Find someone who has been dealt an unexpected hand and turned it around to their benefit. Ask them to tell you their story. If you don’t see anyone that fits the bill in your immediate surroundings, pick up a Chicken Soup for the Soul book and read hundreds of inspiring stories. You will find that people do not become their bad experiences, rather they work through them and come out stronger. So will you.

Fear: This just was not supposed to happen to me at this age! This is a negative idea that races through the minds of many who endure a break up. The thought is rooted in the break from your grand life plan. Remember, you created that plan, but the universe has something better in store.

Hope: I have never, ever seen a case where someone who has embraced the changes in their life did not end up happier. You will too. Keep in mind that your past relationship(s) were not a waste of time. For many, they provided growth, sometimes beautiful children, and although it may not seem so, some good memories. Everything that has happened has made you who you are today and ahead awaits an even greater experience.

Remember: Please, please, please do not restrict your dreams. Your visions do not wish to be bound- especially to the confines of age. Paul Gaugin didn’t start painting til his mid-forties, Granda Moses in her seventies, Charles Darwin published his first book in his fifties, and Colonel Sanders founded KFC in his sixties. Age only matters if we allow it to matter. Dream bigger. Dream brighter. Set your dreams free today.

Has age played a role in your heartbreak? Find out how you can heal here.

Curbing your communication with your ex may be one of the most difficult transitions after a break up. If you share a home, workspace, or children, this can be an even greater challenge; however, it’s worth a try. A little space from your ex can provide tremendous benefits including a real kick start to your healing process. If you’ve had trouble going cold turkey or even reducing the amount of times you contact (or want to contact) your ex, this video can help.

Do you still communicate with your ex? Leave a comment and share your story. If you’re hurting from your break up, many have found Step to Heal to relieve their pain.

WARNING!!

Do you find yourself doing more than 1 of the following?

If more than 1 of those symptoms looks familiar then you NEED to continue reading.

Hi,

It’s Amelie Chance. By now you know me from the site healmybrokenheart where our team puts as much energy as possible in creating valuable content to help heal your broken heart. That is exactly why I am here today. After spending thousands of hours working on scientifically tested heart healing methods, we have finally refined and added the most effective steps to create a comprehensive and definitive guide to heal the pain of your broken heart: Step to Heal.

“This is the Wake Up Call! There is NO NEED to wait for time to heal your wounds. There are ways to STOP the pain and suffering from your break-up.”

We understand that no two divorces or break ups are exactly the same. What you experience night and day can be quite different from another person in a similar situation; however, what we’ve discovered in our research and from feedback of the thousands of site members is that there are common hurdles that appear in everyone’s path. In Step to Heal we tackle the most common and difficult hurdles to get you past a majority of your pain.

The reason that so many people suffer unecessarily after a break up or divorce is because they buy into the 3 most common myths out there:

The biggest issues is those who suffer from a broken heart are operating off of 3 MASSIVE MYTHS:

3 Massive Myths About Broken Hearts

Myth #1: “Time heals all wounds.”

Myth #2: “It has to get much worse before it gets better.”

Myth #3: “The best remedy is to date someone else.”

These Myths Are False! Remove this Limited Thinking and Change Your Outcome.

From co-worker to lover to co-worker – do you fit into this scenario? Creating deliberate distance from your ex is a key ingredient in the prescription for recovery. So what do you do when you still have to see them everyday at work? You utilize the unique solutions to combat the unique complications presented when working with an ex. In order to understand the techniques we offer, let’s first address the specific problems.

Problems Unique To Working With An Ex:

Undercover Lovers. Romances that develop at the office are often not made public. For various reasons – company policy, unwritten rules, negative connotations, extramarital status – people keep office relationships under wraps. The issue with any clandestine romance is that the break up is also concealed. Not that you want to send out announcements about your broken heart, but keeping your relationship private denies you the support from friends and co-workers that help you through this difficult time.

Contact Overload. Office relationships often come with lots of emails, texts, ims, and hallway looks. You are in the presence of this person all day and are experiencing the effects of “in sight and in mind”. Going from constant correspondence to normal communication can be grueling.

That Little Something Extra. Regardless of your level of professionalism with one another, when you are dating in the office, you always get a little something extra in your exchanges. Whether it is a wink in the hallway, an email with a smiley, or a special lunch together, there are often veiled signs of affection. After the break up, the extras vanish and this can be difficult to bear.

Mixed Signals. Sometimes the little something extras do not actually disappear as quickly as they should setting in motion a state of confusion. You may still get that special email, but there is no other sign of a reconciliation to come. Mixed signals will keep you in limbo. This neither gets you the relationship you seek with your ex, nor does it allow you to move forward.

TMI. One of the reasons that distance is required for the healing process is that having all the information about your ex such as their reaction to the break up or new dating prospects does not help your recovery. When you work with an ex, you just have too much information about all aspects of their post break-up life.

Give us Hope, Hope, Hope!

There is hope. Many of the issues endured when working with an ex are based on expectations and habits that remain on auto-pilot. We wait for that email and expect the that little something extra. We can’t get them off our mind because they are sitting in front of us. Well, we are going to teach you some methods to get rid of those expectations and habits. Soon your constant thought of walking past his desk or incessant impulse to check for her email will fade. You will build strength and move forward.

Lean heavily. If you fall under the category of a private romance with a private break up, lean heavily on someone outside of work that you can trust. Tell them everything. Use the community here to help you. We are not here to judge, we are here to help.

Change. You’ve probably had the experience of scent or a song triggering a poignant memory of a person or point in time. This is because our mind is like a filing cabinet that efficiently stores memories with certain associations. We have yet to unravel the mystery of all of the triggers; however, we do know that even the most mundane detail can generate an association to your ex – the angle of your computer, the scent of your office, etc. With this in mind, it makes sense to change some details and create fresh associations.

•    Rearrange your work space.
•    Place your computer in a different spot.
•    Change your pictures and knick-knacks.
•    Spray an unfamiliar scent in your office.
•    Drive a different route to work.
•    Walk a different path to your workspace.
•    Wear new clothes.
•    Talk to different co-workers.
•    Mix up your lunch destinations.

Email and other correspondence. Write down how you feel while waiting for his email or after receiving a disappointing text from her. Write it in code (if you have to) and put it on a post-it next to your computer, phone etc. Every time you want to send your ex a message, reference your post-it. If your urge overwhelms you, try the following:

•    Write an email. Yes, open a document and each time you want to send them a message, type it into this document. Record the time and the date and write it. Do not send it, just keep the document as a running trail. Review the document after a few weeks – we promise your urges will reduce in quantity.
•    Get raisins. If you hit “F5” fifty times an hour to refresh your screen, get a bag of raisins. Each time you want to hit refresh, eat a raisin instead. What you are doing is exhibiting addictive behavior and this technique helps to break it. Don’t not feel bad about it or reinvent the wheel, there are plenty of techniques to kill addictive habits and this is one of them.

Count before answering. It is of utmost importance to maintain your professionalism with your ex during the recovery process. While there may be a fleeting moment of satisfaction from throwing your swinger stapler at his head, we promise you will not feel good in the morning. Before answering any direct or indirect question to your ex, count to ten and ask yourself how your co-worker would respond. Respond in that manner.

Quit. Not your job, the game. Quit the game of sending and receiving inappropriate signals to and from your ex at work. If he or she winks at you in the hall, it is in your control to deny this signal. It is in your control to take a different route to the bathroom and reduce run ins at the office.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. You don’t need to discuss your personal life, nor do you need  find out about what your ex is up to. Do not fool yourself into thinking that finding out about his dating life or her weekend plans is providing you closure. Closure comes from within, from working through healing steps. Think of how you act with another colleague that you are not friends with at work – mimic this behavior with your ex.

You can do it. You were a working professional before this relationship and you can continue to be one. A unique challenge has been presented to you in this life. You will conquer it and when you come out on the other side, you will be better, brighter, and stronger.

Do you work with your ex? Perhaps you go to school with them or are still living with them- tell us why it’s hard for you to go cold turkey.

“Changing the destructive things you say to yourself when you experience the setbacks that life deals all of us is the central skill of optimism.” -Dr. Martin Seligman, former President of The American Psychological Association and the founding father of Positive Psychology.

I felt my heart ripped out of my chest and my world turned upside after the divorce. At the time, a close friend advised, “Positive thinking, Amelie – it’s what will get you through this.”

I nodded. While I loved her care and best intentions, I wanted to scream, “Are you kidding me?! Haven’t you ever lost love in your life? Don’t you understand your advice to think positively is an impossible mission?”

You may have friends and family that mean well, but give you the advice to embrace positive thinking. The problem is that our mind has a tendency to play a soundtrack of repeating negative thoughts after a break up. The recurring negativity may sound something like this:

“I’m going to be alone forever.”

“I must be doing something wrong – this keeps happening.”

“I’m never going to feel that way again.”

Sound familiar?

Canceling out these negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones is not an easy task; however, as your friends, family, and even inner self recognizes, the practice of positive thinking will help you take a tremendous step on the path towards healing.

So, how do you do it?

Forget positive thinking for a moment and focus instead on what I call positive speaking. The story you tell yourself and the world – the power of these words – has an incredible impact on your emotional state. So, change your story. Replace your negativity with positivity. Wait, isn’t this the same thing as positive thinking? No! Wait, am I asking you to say things you actually don’t believe? No! Let me give you an example.

After your break up, you may be saying to yourself and others, “I’m never going to get over this. Everything in my life is terrible.” You may feel this is a way of venting your pain; however, expressing the sentiment in such a permanent and exaggerated form is actually going to perpetuate your suffering.

I understand you may have lost the person your love, the one other person in the world that you could rely on, and the one you called your soulmate. I understand this pain, because I have been there myself. In light of this, I can tell you with confidence that you will feel better. I can tell you without a doubt, these feelings will pass. In fact, you do not just have to wait for time to go by to heal your wounds – there are actions you can take to help relieve your pain and one of them includes positive speaking.

To begin the process of positive speaking, sit quietly and listen to your inner voice. You will hear hope inside of yourself – hope to feel better and rekindle the spirit of your dreams. Please respect this hope. Your being and spirit do not truly believe that you will never heal from this break up. Do not let your pain overtake your drive for peace, hope, dreams, and to live your life once again with burning passion.

Start speaking in a more realistic, positive manner. Reevaluate your exaggerated feelings and words, and instead, start speaking about your challenges as they truly are: temporary and isolated to a particular part of your life. In changing the words you speak out loud, you will change the words you speak internally. Hence, your positive speaking will influence your internal dialogue and produce positive thinking.

Replace your original statement: “I’m never going to get over this.”

With a more positive statement: “My pain is temporary and there is hope for the future.”

Replace your original statement: “Everything in my life is terrible.”

With a more realistic statement: “This break up is a huge challenge in my life, but I am grateful for my children [or insert something for which you are still grateful].”

Do you engage in negative thinking that could be flipped to positive speaking? Share your thoughts below.

Hey, are you in Step to Heal? It’s the program that super charges your healing. Most of us don’t have the patience for traditional counseling, nor the budget. Step to Heal packs in everything you need to heal your broken heart in an online program that has helped thousands. If you’re craving more healing than just this article, check it out by clicking here.

Source & Inspiration for this article: Seligman, Martin E. P.  Learned optimism / Martin E.P. Seligman ; Random House Australia, Milsons Point, N.S.W. :  1992

I was once told that if you are not on the right path in your life (job, marriage, etc.), the universe will tap you on the shoulder. This tap is received in the form of clues like your boss being difficult or fighting with your mate. If you ignore the tap on the shoulder, you will receive an even stronger nudge such as warnings about your job performance or a betrayal in the relationship. If you continue to ignore the messages, you’ll eventually get a kick in the gut.

Your heart being broken is a kick in the gut. It is painful and unwelcome, but the universe is telling you it has a different plan for you – another life experience for you to embrace. At this point, your instincts may tell you that you are not ready to read this article. I think you should. This post is about change.

I want to explain to you how to embrace the current change in your life. If you pick up any book, visit any site, or talk to any relationship expert about getting over break up, change is generally the last step offered, if at all. Stages like denial, anger, tears, blame, bargaining, and realization are addressed first. However, if you set your sight towards the change to come early in the process (now), you will open yourself up to the healing process.

Let’s begin with any indications that you had that your relationship was not working. For those of you who were taken by complete surprise or found the break up to be a shock - please dig deep. Discontent in a relationship, even from one side, leaves clues. Think of the reasons he or she gave you, reflect on changes such as distance or varied behavior, and try to answer the questions below.

• What clues did you have that your relationship wasn’t working?

• Why does this break up – this change – seem so difficult?

• What are your greatest fears after the break up?

Making major life modifications can be grueling. Breaking up is an especially thorny path as you may long for what you once had and endure the challenge of loneliness. Yet, all the adversity associated with change is simply different variations of one thing: fear. There is the fear you will not meet someone else, that you may never love again, of going home to an empty house, of how you will feel if he or she starts dating someone else, of raising kids on your own and many more. Start addressing your fears by writing them down. In this, you can begin to overcome them.

Next, start making small physical changes. Has anyone ever told you to move your furniture around or get a hair cut after a break up? This advice may have seemed ineffectual at the time, yet making these small adjustments elevates your acceptance towards change. Change takes practice. If you mix up little things in your life, making other transformations becomes easier. In fact, making changes can even take on a healthy momentum. Start small – move a piece of furniture, highlight your hair, get new sheets for the bed. If this seems challenging, start smaller. Stand in the mirror and say, “I going through a life transformation and I was born with the inner strength to get through this.”

• What small change can you make today?

Finally, let’s look at past history of change in your life. The purpose of this is to show you that changes you have feared in the past have often ended in a soft landing. In fact, many times life changes produce an opportunity for something better. Think of a time you’ve had to make a change that scared you. Some examples are starting at a new school, changing a job, moving to another city, having a child, or even a past break up. Think of that past situation and answer the questions below.

Questions about past change:

• What was a past change in your life that you initially feared?
• How did you anticipate that change would affect your life?
• What was the greatest thing you feared about that change?
• After you made the change, how long did it take you to adjust?
• What benefit has that change had in your life?
• If you could go back, what would you have told yourself to quell your initial fears?

Believe it or not, by reading this post and answering these questions, you have already begun to embrace your change. If you are hurting from your break up, check out the Step to Heal program. Many have found this to truly have helped them through this difficult time.

After your break up, do you feel as if you are walking around in a haze? Do you feel that nothing really holds much meaning any more?

We go through phases after a break up. I don’t prescribe to the theory that we all go through the same 5 groups of emotions (shock, denial, anger etc.) as the human system is far too complex to allot us only one emotion per day or week. I do, however, believe that many of us encounter a time where we feel like nothing really matters after the break up. If this is your current experience, this video is for you. To watch it >

Leave a comment about your experience ‘in the haze’…

“See if you can reach out and grab this cup in your right hand.”

“What are you feeling now?”

“I feel my fingers clasping the cup.”

“Okay try it again.” (Man pulls cup away)

“Ouch! Why did you do that?”

“Do what?”

“It felt like you ripped the cup right out of my fingers.”*

The explanation

The odd thing about this conversation is that the man who said he felt the cup ripped from his fingers has no fingers. In fact, he has no hand at all. The man is an amputee experiencing a phenomenon called phantom limb pain: the vivid sensation of itching, tingling, and even pain from the empty space where an appendage had once been.

As I was reading this article something hit me. When love is cut out of our life, we experience something similar – a sort of phantom relationship pain. I deliberated whether or not to draw this analogy as someone may be offended by the comparison of losing a limb to losing love. Yet, if you are on this site, you understand that although you’ve lost your partner, you still instinctively turn towards them first. When you don’t find them there, the pain you feel from this missing piece of your heart is quite real.

Phantom limb pain shows us that our mind can create extremely powerful attachments. People no longer have these body parts, but the mind refuses to let them go. Phantom relationship pain reveals that unions of the heart create equal, if not more powerful connections. Although someone has left our life, our hearts often fail to let them go. In fact, the emotional bond developed with someone through love is so potent that, sometimes, it doesn’t dissolve until long after the relationship has ended.

Triggers

Do you have moments where you hear something funny or something that just reminds you of your ex? You reach for the phone when suddenly you realize you can’t do that any more. The person you would normally call in this situation – your person – is out of bounds. Ouch! It’s like someone ripped that cup right out of your fingers.

Pain from the missing relationship in your life may also be triggered by your daily routine. Common triggers include going home after work, when you cook, when you’re getting ready for work, when you’re grocery shopping, when the weekend arrives, and when you climb into bed. These are times and places you had your partner by your side and they now highlight the void in your life. Well, there is hope.

The cure

Vilayanur S. Ramachandran created a mirror box technique for amputee patients where they look into the mirror and make symmetric movements to retrain the brain and significantly reducing phantom pain. At Heal My Broken Heart, we have created a plugging the holes technique to alleviate your phantom relationship pain, reduce your loneliness, and help you move on.

How does it work? You’ll first identify when and where you feel the loneliest, the greatest pain, or the most empty. We call this the HOLE list. You’ll then insert a list of things that will be used to PLUG in those holes. Plugs include items that engross your attention, small things that give you pleasure, and methods to flip your holes on their head. Finally, you will place these plugs into the holes until each void is filled and you can move on.

It’s time to make create your PLUG THE HOLE list. We’ve provided and example below and then a form for you to try it on your own.

Exercise: Create A Plug the Hole List

The Whens
I experience loneliness and pain during these times:

1. HOLE: When I come home to my empty apartment after work.
1. PLUG: Immediately put my favorite Madonna album on so that I’ll sing and probably dance a little.

2. HOLE: When I have Friday/Saturday night plans to fill.
2. PLUG: Make plans to go out with my friends at least one of the nights. For the other, I’ll join that new wine club I researched online. If I am home on my own, I will do something pleasurable like taking a bubble bath.

3. HOLE: When I dress the kids, because he used to do this.
3. PLUG: Dress them in a different order starting with their shirts, then pants. This reverses what my ex used to do with them and creates a new routine that doesn’t constantly remind me of him.

The Wheres
I experience loneliness and pain at these places:

1. HOLE: The park where we used to take evening walks.
1. PLUG: I will call my girlfriend to walk with me in the evenings, take a different route, and bring my ipod.

2. HOLE: The coffee shop where we would get our morning drinks.
2. PLUG: I will try a different coffee shop for a while.

3. HOLE: Everywhere in our apartment and especially the bedroom.
3. PLUG: I will give my apartment and especially my bedroom a makeover. I’ll move the furniture around, change the sheets, and add a plant to start embracing the change.

Extras

Spare PLUGS. Have several spare plugs handy for the unexpected holes that may pop up. These plugs should include hobbies, anything new you want to learn, items of pleasure including watching a sports game, getting your nails done, getting a massage, having your favorite food, etc.

The PLUG BOX! Go above and beyond by creating a plug box. Get a pile of 3×5 index cards or quarter sheets of paper. Write down one plug per card. Find pictures from magazines and paste them on the cards. For example, if one of your plugs is eating a slice of pizza, write “eat pizza” on the card along with pasting or drawing a picture of a delicious slice. Do this for all of your plugs and then put them in a small box. What’s the benefit? When you experience the pain from one of your holes, sometimes it is difficult to come up with a plug that will mend the pain. Now, you can go to your box and just pull one out. This exercise is also cathartic because it uses principles explained in our creative outlet step. Take this step and eliminate your phantom relationship pain for good.

Try it Yourself!

Below is a form where you can create your own PLUG the HOLE list:

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Sources:
*Shreeve, James. (1993) Touching the Phantom. Discover Magazine