How long will it be before you can get through your daily routine without feeling the wave of pain sweep over you, without sensing that knot in the pit of your stomach, and without dwelling on what went wrong? If these are some of the questions you are asking yourself, you are not alone.

A broken heart can cause such an intense reaction that you may feel your life has been completely stripped of meaning. Jobs, hobbies, and friends may no longer hold any joy. In fact, some of us even experience physical pain with a tight chest, nervous stomach, or terrible insomnia. “Time heals all wounds” is something we have all heard over the years, but do you really have to wait for time to heal these wounds? Absolutely not. There are steps you can take to alleviate the pain you feel. These steps were developed by people who have endured the pain of a difficult break-up and sought a better way to heal.

Whether you are 22 or 62, the first step is to determine from which type of broken heart you currently suffer. That’s right – there are actually 4 different types of broken hearts. Several factors determine the type of broken heart you may be enduring right now including your relationship history, the type of relationship and the reasons for the break-up, among others. Once you know where your heart stands, you will receive customized healing advice.

Okay, so where should you start? Start with the first healing step – the survey – to see where you stand. Get an instant, on screen evaluation. The survey contains 16-questions and can be completed in about 2 minutes. If you’re ready to see which of the 4 types of broken heart you suffer from, then let’s go.

Ready? Take the Survey

You are sitting with your cell phone staring at a text message you wrote to your ex hours ago. You debate whether to send it or not. You stare at your phone while your mind tells you to have more respect for yourself. You logically understand that sending the message is not going to make the situation any better – nor will it heal your pain. Then your heart enters the scene and overpowers your mind. Your heart says, “Go ahead, send it, you will feel better…temporarily at least.”

The scenario above represents one example of a misalignment between your heart and your mind that is a common occurrence after a break up. Every decision you make is determined by a combination of your logic and emotion. If these different elements that make you who you are happen to conflict, you will understandably feel conflicted and make decisions that reflect this turmoil.

The concept of alignment will help you understand why you may have been in a relationship that was not good enough for you. It will also help you understand how to use your logic to help heal your broken heart. Let’s look at some more examples of what happens when your heart and mind disagree with one another.

Scenario 1 – During the Relationship

Your mind says, “I deserve more – this relationship is not right.”
Your heart says, “Stay, it will work out.”

If you were in a relationship where it was obvious that you were not receiving the love, respect, and engagement that you deserve, then your mind was probably nudging you during the relationship and asking you, “Why are we still here?” You remained in that relationship for longer than you should have because your heart believed that your mate and relationship could change.

Your heart believed that it was better to be in a relationship that was mediocre than to be alone. Your heart was saying to you, “Hey, give it a chance, it’s not that bad.” Your mind and heart were not aligned and this probably led to fighting, to an internal struggle, and eventually the break up. Often when we want more from a relationship than we are getting, we continually try to get ‘more’ by attempting to change the person we are with or by forcing other changes in the relationship. This is generally a destructive path.

Scenario 2 – During the Relationship

Your heart says, “This relationship is everything I need.”
Your mind says, “There are red flags here that I shouldn’t ignore.”

When one partner in a relationship is not happy, they usually provide indications either verbally, in the form of passive-aggressive behavior, or via non-verbal actions of their discontent. If you are the other partner that is madly in love, you do actually receive the red flags as signals in your mind. Unfortunately, your heart overpowers your logic in this case. Your heart speaks so loudly about how in love you are and how perfect everything is, that you drown out the messages your mind has received.

Eventually, after the break up, it is easier to see the red flags were present in your relationship. You also may realize that some of the reason you were deeply attached to your ex was because you loved the idea of being in love. If you relate to this scenario, remember, you deserve a love with equal give and take. Reciprocity is essential to the success of a relationship and you should never have to convince someone to love you as much as you love them.

Scenario 3 – After the Break Up

Your mind says, “I am going to be okay. In fact, before long, I’m going to feel like myself.”
Your heart says, “The pain is excruciating, I don’t think I will ever feel at peace again.”

After your break up, if you sit quietly and listen to your inner voice, you will hear hope inside. This hope is telling you that you will feel better, that you will live life once again with passion, and that you will experience love once again. The information you are being sent from your mind  is based on your history and the fact that you have overcome obstacles in the past. Your mind remembers the times where you have faced adversity and have come out on the other side stronger and brighter. Your heart is speaking out of fear; listen to your mind – it has a strong basis for giving you hope.

Listen to words from friends, family, and counselors even if they do not feel like they are helping to heal your broken heart. Every single word helps. Listen to every word someone with experience has to tell you. Up until now, we haven’t discussed the subconscious mind. Positive messages to your subconscious mind can overpower negative ones from your heart. Everything you are reading and listening to about healing is entering your subconscious and will help you heal faster.

Above I have discussed the logical mind being overpowered by a somewhat illogical heart. Please note, the situation can certainly occur in reverse. Your heart may experience genuine love yet have seeds of doubt planted by an insecure mind. In either situation, if you are looking to heal your heartache from your current break up, please know it is possible.

Have you received your complimentary custom healing advice? Click to take the 2 minute evaluation here. ~Love & Light, Amelie Chance

For someone who writes about relationships, it is pretty risky to make the statement that age matters; however, I believe in speaking the truth. I also believe in voicing the concerns of the those that visit this site. From this vantage point and with respect to love and heartbreak, age definitely matters.

Here is the reason why: we each have a grand plan for our life based on age. It goes something like this:

•    In my teens, I’ll get into a good college or get a good job.
•    In my early twenties, my career will start to take off.
•    By my mid-twenties, I will meet the person of my dreams.
•    In my thirties, I will be married and have 2.2 beautiful children.
•    In my forties, I’ll be running the company for which I’ve been working.
•    In my fifties, I’ll reflect back on my life and my grown children and smile.
•    In my sixties, I’ll retire and travel the world.

Sound familiar? Give or take a few years and interchange a couple of details and these types of age confined dreams are quite universal. So what happens when things don’t go as expected? What happens when instead of two kids in our thirties, we end up with our heart in two pieces? We feel broken; not only is our heart shattered, so too is our self-perception.

It is critical to understand that the pain one feels after a break up is only partially due to the separation from our mate. What causes equal, if not greater agony, is dealing with our crushed dreams. Our dream to be a certain age and have accomplished certain things has been stolen. To overcome the challenge of heartbreak based on age related fears, we must face them head on.

Fear: I’m getting older and will be alone. So you are 35 or 45 or [insert your age] and you are alone. You are scared. This is natural. Many people have a fear of aging – period. Heck, the entire beauty industry thrives on our distaste for more age. When you mix the panic of being alone with an aversion of getting older, the combination results in a very potent fear.

Hope: On this website there are thousands of visitors (no exaggeration) in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and yes, 60s that are looking to get over an old love in order to find a new one. You are not alone. The times have changed and people are looking to be in a healthy, loving relationship. As such, there is no dearth of available men and women. After you have gone through the stepped process for recovery and you are ready, you will begin dating again. Regardless of your age or whether you have had it in the past, true love will find you.

Fear: I am damaged goods. Almost all of us have had experiences which have left us feeling less than perfect; however, they are experiences, not who you are. I have always been puzzled by the statement, “I am divorced.” If this is your situation, remember, it is not a I am statement, it is an I have gone thru statement. No one is fundamentally flawed – especially not those who work actively to heal their wounds.

Hope: Absorb the power provided by an example. Find someone around you who has triumphed over adversity in their life. Find someone who has been dealt an unexpected hand and turned it around to their benefit. Ask them to tell you their story. If you don’t see anyone that fits the bill in your immediate surroundings, pick up a Chicken Soup for the Soul book and read hundreds of inspiring stories. You will find that people do not become their bad experiences, rather they work through them and come out stronger. So will you.

Fear: This just was not supposed to happen to me at this age! This is a negative idea that races through the minds of many who endure a break up. The thought is rooted in the break from your grand life plan. Remember, you created that plan, but the universe has something better in store.

Hope: I have never, ever seen a case where someone who has embraced the changes in their life did not end up happier. You will too. Keep in mind that your past relationship(s) were not a waste of time. For many, they provided growth, sometimes beautiful children, and although it may not seem so, some good memories. Everything that has happened has made you who you are today and ahead awaits an even greater experience.

Remember: Please, please, please do not restrict your dreams. Your visions do not wish to be bound- especially to the confines of age. Paul Gaugin didn’t start painting til his mid-forties, Granda Moses in her seventies, Charles Darwin published his first book in his fifties, and Colonel Sanders founded KFC in his sixties. Age only matters if we allow it to matter. Dream bigger. Dream brighter. Set your dreams free today.

Have you received your complimentary custom healing advice? Click to take the 2 minute evaluation here. ~Love & Light, Amelie Chance

Curbing your communication with your ex may be one of the most difficult transitions after a break up. If you share a home, workspace, or children, this can be an even greater challenge; however, it’s worth a try. A little space from your ex can provide tremendous benefits including a real kick start to your healing process. If you’ve had trouble going cold turkey or even reducing the amount of times you contact (or want to contact) your ex, this video can help.

Do you still communicate with your ex? Leave a comment and share your story. If you’re hurting from your break up, many have found Step to Heal to relieve their pain.

Are you as sad as our pooch?

From 35 emails, 18 texts, 9 calls, 5 voicemails and daily visits to NOTHING? Is that what we’re asking you to do – cut off all contact with your ex? It’s actually not sad, because the thought of not seeing or speaking to your ex is so painful that it almost seems like a joke. Yet, no one is laughing. You know what else isn’t funny? Refreshing your email 100 times a day and checking every other man made mobile device waiting for a beacon of hope. It’s exhausting. Well, it’s time to make a change. You can stop contacting your ex and start healing. You can. You will. We will help.

First, let’s look at the problem. You can last a few days with no contact riding off some anger and the encouragement of friends, but then it happens. You are alone with your blackberry, watching tv and you see a commercial you both loved…

You stare at your phone and the most urgent reason to call him manifests: I still have his favorite socks. I wouldn’t want him going to the gym and run on the treadmill without socks. I think I heard on Good Morning America that running sockless is linked to a toe infection epidemic. Yes, that’s right, that’s what they said. This is definitely an emergency. I should definitely call him.

Others decide it’s time to will the phone to ring or vibe with a new text. Yes, I will stare at the phone and use my telepathic powers to make her contact me. Wait! Maybe there is something wrong with the phone. I should make an outgoing call to make sure. Oh, okay, it works. Wait! In the three seconds I was dialing, maybe she called and got thrown into voicemail and thought I ignored her call. Okay, I should definitely call her.

If you want to contact your ex, you will find a reason. Likewise, if they want to contact you, no reason in the world would keep it from happening. It is up to you to cut the contact. Does it make you feel better to get a message from your ex? Sure. Does it get you through the night to send a little text and hear something back? Perhaps. However, in the end, you don’t get what you want from them and the contact makes you feel worse. Your greater goal is to get over this heartache and contact is not moving you towards this goal. Every contact is just delaying the healing process.

Here are 8 Ways to Help you go Cold Turkey!

1.    Take Care of Business – Get a box and pack up keys, clothes, kids (ok, not the kids), but all other items he or she will want back. Ship them to your ex.

2.    Identify your Weak Points - When do you want to call or contact the person most? Think about it. Ready? Ok, write it down. Now be conscious of your weak points and when you hit one, use #3 to combat your temptation to make contact.

3.    Create an Arsenal of Distractions – Make a list of things that you can do instead of contacting your ex.  (i.e. Calling a friend, going outside, taking a shower etc.) Use these when something in #2 creeps up.

4.    Find your 3 Doosies – Write down your three biggest reasons for not contacting your ex. One might be because I always feel worse after I hang up the phone. Put them on post-its and stick them next to every electronic device you have.

5.    Quit Online Stalking – Make it stop. Delete your ex from Facebook, Twitter, Gchat etc. Develop new online habits.

6.    Fancy Not Meeting You Here – Don’t frequent the places you used to frequent together. This one is kind of a Duh! If you are intentionally going to places you think you will run into your ex, stick one of the post-its from #4 on your head.

7.    Back away from the Blackberry – Put the phone in another room at night. When you are out having a drink, hand the phone to your friends to reduce temptation. Vow to only check it 1-2x per day.

8.    At a Minimum, Try the Lite Recovery Plan – If this is too much to bear, we get it. This is the slower route, but it will eventually get you into the fast track. Try cutting out one form of communication per week. First calls, then emails, then texts, you get the picture.

Need more help healing from a broken heart? Try Amelie’s scientifically supported Step to Heal program – check it out here.

I was once told that if you are not on the right path in your life (job, marriage, etc.), the universe will tap you on the shoulder. This tap is received in the form of clues like your boss being difficult or fighting with your mate. If you ignore the tap on the shoulder, you will receive an even stronger nudge such as warnings about your job performance or a betrayal in the relationship. If you continue to ignore the messages, you’ll eventually get a kick in the gut.

Your heart being broken is a kick in the gut. It is painful and unwelcome, but the universe is telling you it has a different plan for you – another life experience for you to embrace. At this point, your instincts may tell you that you are not ready to read this article. I think you should. This post is about change.

I want to explain to you how to embrace the current change in your life. If you pick up any book, visit any site, or talk to any relationship expert about getting over break up, change is generally the last step offered, if at all. Stages like denial, anger, tears, blame, bargaining, and realization are addressed first. However, if you set your sight towards the change to come early in the process (now), you will open yourself up to the healing process.

Let’s begin with any indications that you had that your relationship was not working. For those of you who were taken by complete surprise or found the break up to be a shock - please dig deep. Discontent in a relationship, even from one side, leaves clues. Think of the reasons he or she gave you, reflect on changes such as distance or varied behavior, and try to answer the questions below.

• What clues did you have that your relationship wasn’t working?

• Why does this break up – this change – seem so difficult?

• What are your greatest fears after the break up?

Making major life modifications can be grueling. Breaking up is an especially thorny path as you may long for what you once had and endure the challenge of loneliness. Yet, all the adversity associated with change is simply different variations of one thing: fear. There is the fear you will not meet someone else, that you may never love again, of going home to an empty house, of how you will feel if he or she starts dating someone else, of raising kids on your own and many more. Start addressing your fears by writing them down. In this, you can begin to overcome them.

Next, start making small physical changes. Has anyone ever told you to move your furniture around or get a hair cut after a break up? This advice may have seemed ineffectual at the time, yet making these small adjustments elevates your acceptance towards change. Change takes practice. If you mix up little things in your life, making other transformations becomes easier. In fact, making changes can even take on a healthy momentum. Start small – move a piece of furniture, highlight your hair, get new sheets for the bed. If this seems challenging, start smaller. Stand in the mirror and say, “I going through a life transformation and I was born with the inner strength to get through this.”

• What small change can you make today?

Finally, let’s look at past history of change in your life. The purpose of this is to show you that changes you have feared in the past have often ended in a soft landing. In fact, many times life changes produce an opportunity for something better. Think of a time you’ve had to make a change that scared you. Some examples are starting at a new school, changing a job, moving to another city, having a child, or even a past break up. Think of that past situation and answer the questions below.

Questions about past change:

• What was a past change in your life that you initially feared?
• How did you anticipate that change would affect your life?
• What was the greatest thing you feared about that change?
• After you made the change, how long did it take you to adjust?
• What benefit has that change had in your life?
• If you could go back, what would you have told yourself to quell your initial fears?

Believe it or not, by reading this post and answering these questions, you have already begun to embrace your change. If you are hurting from your break up, check out the Step to Heal program. Many have found this to truly have helped them through this difficult time.

After your break up, do you feel as if you are walking around in a haze? Do you feel that nothing really holds much meaning any more?

We go through phases after a break up. I don’t prescribe to the theory that we all go through the same 5 groups of emotions (shock, denial, anger etc.) as the human system is far too complex to allot us only one emotion per day or week. I do, however, believe that many of us encounter a time where we feel like nothing really matters after the break up. If this is your current experience, this video is for you. To watch it >

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Leave a comment about your experience ‘in the haze’…

Check marital status here: You’re at the dentist’s office and you notice while filling out the new patient application that there is a question about marital status. It’s just a little box on some little form, whose purpose you cannot be certain about and whose presence you might resent.  Why do they want to know your marital status?  Why include “divorced?”  Wouldn’t “single” be good enough?

A check box does not define you. If you find yourself asking that question before checking that box (and wondering if being single is good enough), try to remember that it’s just a box – just a label.  It does not define who you are or how you are in the world at large.  Yes, single is good enough.  So are you.

The following are a few tips to help adjust your lens and increase your resilience during this time.

Changes. It may seem difficult to cope with all the changes that come with a divorce, even the mundane ones.  They seem to come at you, one after the other.  There was the literal change of address when I moved into my new place, then the change of address form at the post office, and then the change of address cards I mailed to my friends and family. While you’re mending your broken heart and working hard to start fresh, focus on these things as action items and don’t let them get you down.

Stigmas. Bristling at the idea of having to tell even everyone that you’re divorced may represent the strange stigma that divorce brings.  That stigma may stain even the relationships with those whom you are the closest to.   The trick is to remember that your perception doesn’t necessarily represent reality.  Do not judge your friends and family based on their initial reactions. Everybody needs time to adjust to change, and those who love you are no different.  It’s a tricky time for everybody, a tender time for all concerned—and a great time to remember that these people who may be walking on eggshells around you are just trying not to say the wrong thing and hurt you further. Let us not forget they can be our greatest pillars of strength.

Labels. When we marry, our identity becomes wrapped up in that new status and so, when we divorce, our identity feels wrapped up anew.  Suddenly, we don’t know who we are.  It’s natural that your break-up can cause your “make-up” to look unnatural for a while.  It will take time to see yourself more clearly, as being distinct from the status and undamaged because of the change.  Identity is not static, but we forget that as we get older.  The truth is that we’re always forming and re-forming the idea of who we are. Remember, you are not defined by a label. There are dimensions and depth to your person that could never be classified under one grouping, so do not let it get you down.

Remember! Something really important gets lost when we’re in the midst of all this change:  remembering what it took to make it happen.  It takes incredible amounts of strength to go through the decision-making process leading up to the divorce or break up and equal amounts of courage to live with the unexpected and unintended consequences of that choice.  Divorce is not for the weak of heart or the weak of spirit.  Divorce is about having the determination to make your life what it needs to be.  Making a change can bring out the best in ourselves, but if we’re not careful we can overlook that.

Perspective. The statement is not, “I am divorced.” Rather, the statement is, “I went through a divorce.” Who you are is someone that cannot be defined by a mere label.  Look beyond the label and see the truth: you are brave, you are courageous, you are your amazing self.

“Changing the destructive things you say to yourself when you experience the setbacks that life deals all of us is the central skill of optimism.” -Dr. Martin Seligman, former President of The American Psychological Association and the founding father of Positive Psychology.

I felt my heart ripped out of my chest and my world turned upside after the divorce. At the time, a close friend advised, “Positive thinking, Amelie – it’s what will get you through this.”

I nodded. While I loved her care and best intentions, I wanted to scream, “Are you kidding me?! Haven’t you ever lost love in your life? Don’t you understand your advice to think positively is an impossible mission?”

You may have friends and family that mean well, but give you the advice to embrace positive thinking. The problem is that our mind has a tendency to play a soundtrack of repeating negative thoughts after a break up. The recurring negativity may sound something like this:

“I’m going to be alone forever.”

“I must be doing something wrong – this keeps happening.”

“I’m never going to feel that way again.”

Sound familiar?

Canceling out these negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones is not an easy task; however, as your friends, family, and even inner self recognizes, the practice of positive thinking will help you take a tremendous step on the path towards healing.

So, how do you do it?

Forget positive thinking for a moment and focus instead on what I call positive speaking. The story you tell yourself and the world – the power of these words – has an incredible impact on your emotional state. So, change your story. Replace your negativity with positivity. Wait, isn’t this the same thing as positive thinking? No! Wait, am I asking you to say things you actually don’t believe? No! Let me give you an example.

After your break up, you may be saying to yourself and others, “I’m never going to get over this. Everything in my life is terrible.” You may feel this is a way of venting your pain; however, expressing the sentiment in such a permanent and exaggerated form is actually going to perpetuate your suffering.

I understand you may have lost the person your love, the one other person in the world that you could rely on, and the one you called your soulmate. I understand this pain, because I have been there myself. In light of this, I can tell you with confidence that you will feel better. I can tell you without a doubt, these feelings will pass. In fact, you do not just have to wait for time to go by to heal your wounds – there are actions you can take to help relieve your pain and one of them includes positive speaking.

To begin the process of positive speaking, sit quietly and listen to your inner voice. You will hear hope inside of yourself – hope to feel better and rekindle the spirit of your dreams. Please respect this hope. Your being and spirit do not truly believe that you will never heal from this break up. Do not let your pain overtake your drive for peace, hope, dreams, and to live your life once again with burning passion.

Start speaking in a more realistic, positive manner. Reevaluate your exaggerated feelings and words, and instead, start speaking about your challenges as they truly are: temporary and isolated to a particular part of your life. In changing the words you speak out loud, you will change the words you speak internally. Hence, your positive speaking will influence your internal dialogue and produce positive thinking.

Replace your original statement: “I’m never going to get over this.”

With a more positive statement: “My pain is temporary and there is hope for the future.”

Replace your original statement: “Everything in my life is terrible.”

With a more realistic statement: “This break up is a huge challenge in my life, but I am grateful for my children [or insert something for which you are still grateful].”

Do you engage in negative thinking that could be flipped to positive speaking? Share your thoughts below.

Hey, are you in Step to Heal? It’s the program that super charges your healing. Most of us don’t have the patience for traditional counseling, nor the budget. Step to Heal packs in everything you need to heal your broken heart in an online program that has helped thousands. If you’re craving more healing than just this article, check it out by clicking here.

Source & Inspiration for this article: Seligman, Martin E. P.  Learned optimism / Martin E.P. Seligman ; Random House Australia, Milsons Point, N.S.W. :  1992

“If you’ve fallen down, today is the day you can get back up and try again.”

Sometimes the words of others soothe us more than our own. At Heal My Broken Heart, we have chosen some of our favorite quotes to post below. Of course, if this is your first time here, I would take the heartbreak survey and find out what you can do to heal your broken heart today.

Break Up Quotes to Inspire & Get You Through the Day:

Love Lost: “Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.” -Edna St. Vincent Millay

Dreams: “Keep your dreams alive and understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe.” -Gale Devers

Hope: “Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” -Dale Carnegie

Hope: “Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops… at all.”  -Emily Dickinson

Lost Love: “Wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I’ve felt, letting go is the most painful yet.” -Unknown

Love: “Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never… never forget it.” -Curtis Judalet

Lost Love: “Love never dies a natural death….Love dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. Love dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. Love dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishing.” -A. Nin

Forgiveness: Forgiveness is the economy of the heart. Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits. -Hannah More

Existence: “Everyday is a new opportunity to stand up and try again.” -Amelie Chance

State of Mind: “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” -Buddha

Have Purpose: “Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose – a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye.”  -Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

If you are having negative thoughts about your break up, it’s a great idea to write some of these quotes on a post-it or small card and carry them with you. Reference your favorite quote to easy your heartache. You’ll find some of them are hopeful and others reflect a touch of melancholy…it’s ok to take solace in both.

Do you have favorite break up quotes or broken heart songs you would like to contribute? Leave a comment below.