Change Has Come a Knockin’ – Let Her In and Embrace Her

I was once told that if you are not on the right path in your life (job, marriage, etc.), the universe will tap you on the shoulder. This tap is received in the form of clues like your boss being difficult or fighting with your mate. If you ignore the tap on the shoulder, you will receive an even stronger nudge such as warnings about your job performance or a betrayal in the relationship. If you continue to ignore the messages, you’ll eventually get a kick in the gut! Your heart being broken is a kick in the gut. It is painful and unwelcome, but the universe is telling you it has a different plan for you. It is evicting you from this relationship to guide you towards something else: a better, brighter, more authentic path.

Your instincts may tell you that you are not ready to read this article. We think you should. This post is about change. We want to explain to you how to embrace the current change in your life. If you pick up any book, visit any site, or talk to any relationship expert about getting over break up, change is generally the last step offered, if at all. Stages like denial, anger, tears, blame, bargaining, and realization are addressed first. We, however, believe that if you set your sight towards the change to come early in the process, you will heal faster. It can’t hurt right? So read on.

Let’s start with the clues that you had that your relationship was not working. For those of you who were taken by complete surprise or have thought I can’t believe this happened, it was such a shock, or I was happy - we need you to dig deep. Discontent in a relationship, even from one side, leaves clues. Think of the reasons he or she gave you, reflect on changes such as distance or varied behavior, and try to answer the question below. (You can print this post and write in the blanks or use the form here.)

• What clues did you have that your relationship wasn’t working?

Why does this break up – this change – seem so difficult? Making major life modifications can be grueling. Breaking up is an especially thorny path as we long for what we once had and endure the challenge of loneliness. Yet, all the adversity associated with change is simply different variations of one thing: fear. There is the fear you will not meet someone else, that you may never love again, of going home to an empty house, of how you will feel if he or she starts dating someone else, of raising kids on your own and many more. Address your fears so you can overcome them.

• What are your greatest fears after the break up?

Next, let’s look at past history of change in your life. The purpose of this is to show you that changes you have feared in the past often end with a soft landing. In fact, many times they produce an opportunity for something better. Think of a time you’ve had to make a change that scared you. Some examples are starting at a new school, changing a job, moving to another city, having a child, or even a past break up. Think of that past situation and answer the questions below.

Questions about past change:

• What was a past change in your life that you initially feared?
• How did you anticipate that change would affect your life?
• What was the greatest thing you feared about that change?
• After you made the change, how long did it take you to adjust?
• What benefit has that change had in your life?
• If you could go back, what would you have told yourself to quell your initial fears?

Change is knocking on your door – invite her in and embrace her. How? Has anyone ever told you to move your furniture around or get a hair cut after a break up? This advice may have seemed ineffectual at the time, yet making these small adjustments elevates your acceptance towards change. Change takes practice. If you mix up little things in your life, making other transformations becomes easier. In fact, making changes can even take on a healthy momentum. Start small – move a piece of furniture, highlight your hair, get new sheets for the bed. If this seems challenging, start smaller. Stand in the mirror and say, “I am a caterpillar going through a transformation and when I am done, I will be a beautiful butterfly.” (Or something less cheesy )

• What small change can you make today?

Believe it or not, by reading this post and answering these questions, you have already begun to embrace your change. Tell us about your journey with change. We’d love to hear what you’ve tried. Your comments not only help your own release, they help others going through the same process.

If you want to fill the questions from this article and email the form to yourself, click here. Thousands of you fill out the forms on this site and email them in. We are so proud you are doing this. Even if you are mentally rolling your eyes at filling out a form about what you are grateful for or setting goals, your brain is registering that you are trying to make a change and will help you to heal your heart.

Tagged as: Embrace Change, Fears, Heartache