Step 6: Find your Creative Outlet
Songwriters and poets have often said their most prolific periods happen immediately after the end of a relationship. Whereas normally they might write a song every couple months; they suddenly find themselves pumping out five songs in a single month following a breakup. On top of that, it tends to be among their best material! Many of us feel absolutely compelled to get creative during times of sadness/reflection, and I can’t help but think this happens naturally, as our emotional state of mind searches to heal. In fact, studies have confirmed exercising creativity elevates mood and general contentment. Perhaps surprisingly, it also promotes physical health – and get this – and longevity!
Everyone has creative talent. This is a perfect time for you to exercise yours. It’s a matter of discovering which medium is most enjoyable and most fulfilling for you. Here are the possibilities.
Exercise: Choose 1 of the creative exercises from the list below-
Writing. Start with a letter. A good old fashioned letter, handwritten, mailed with a stamp. (Long distance telephone rates have dropped so much over the years, and combined with the dominance of e-mail, no one ever writes traditional letters anymore.) There’s something special that happens when you put pen to paper. Most of us know an aunt with a cardboard box filled with old letters, kept under a bed. I can’t imagine years from now someone digging out a cardboard box filled with old e-mails. Writing is a great healer. Don’t underestimate the power of putting words on a page. Try a poem. If you play an instrument, compose a song. Or, a short story. If you can’t see yourself writing a poem or a song, a story might feel more approachable. Heck, if you’re feeling ambitious, take a run at a screenplay.
Painting/drawing/sculpture. Go for it. So often people have an interest in exploring their artistic side, but they lack the confidence or initiative. Try your hand at painting. There are great oil/watercolor starter kits available. Sketching. Pastels. Wood carving. Something will be right for you.
Photography is an amazing creative expression. Experiment. Shoot trees, rocks, the sky, anything. If you’re computer savvy, Photoshop has unlimited possibilities in terms of creative manipulation of images.
Crafting. Make a Quilt. Make Jewelery. Pottery. Whatever you decide, put your stamp on it.
Cooking. Yes, cooking! But, be creative. This isn’t about following recipes. Try fusion – combining foods.
Common Hurdles:
You can’t draw? Who cares?!?. This isn’t about that kind of talent. You have creative potential, we all do.
Being precise or exact? Freewheel! Don’t be rigid or methodical, not with this step. This isn’t model-making, this is art.
Staying in your comfort zone? If you already write songs, try painting. If you’re a photographer, try sculpture.
This is a sneak peak of Step to Heal, for the full blown program, click here.
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I play guitar, but have not been able to from the break up.
Ray — pick up that guitar!
I know what you mean Ray i play too. Last night i played and it made me feel better, until i stopped.
i dont play guitar so i cant really say that im totaly on your page ray but… i like to draw… i love it actually… and i may have ha my heart broken but my artwork is useless without me. knowing that i created it made me feel so much better, so if you dont mind me puttin my two cents, in there then you should at least pick up your guitar. im pretty sure it feels lonely without you… trust me.
It is funny, I am classical music composer, and I just cant sit in front of my piano or my desk withou crying, she is also a composer and we were a terrific team
yeah really ray……. pick it up and play it…. no… dont play it.. feel it. sometimes when i close my eyes, thats when i come up with my best riffs… okay i’m only 15 but i have some experience. maybe not as much as you but i know what your going through…. but sometimes if you love somthing, you just gotta let it go… so bring out the amp, turn that baby up and let the music flooowwwww….
I play the clarinet, but ever since my break up, I can’t anymore because I start to cry while thinking about a french horn that used to sit behind me in band.
The only thing I am good at is writing, my ex loved my poems/writings. I will try writing just to write and I will end writing her a poem! I recently wrote her 187 page letter, and the bottom line of the letter was I Love you!
when i first seen this website i was feeling really bad and didnt know what to do with myself but as i go threw the steps reading all of your comments it has made me realize WHAT IN THE HELL ARE WE DOING TO OUR SELVES? I know this is probably the most pain some of us have felt in a very long time and nothing seems to help rid us of the heart ach but come on our “X’s” are not the last people on earth… If we were able to find them then y cant we find someone better this isn’t the end of the world it’s the end of a chapter in our life. So take it for what it was worth be glad we had such a love like that… “It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all”……….. So get up dust ur self off and LIVE damnit!!!!! Ray u pick up that guitar and play the hell out of it… Francisco compose something amazing with feeling use your pain to power you to make something with so much feeling it brings chills to your body….. WE NEED TO STOP FEELING SORRY FOR OURSELVES AND GET OVER WHAT WE CAN’T HAVE NO MORE all the tears and hurt and pain are not bringing these people back to us so WHY CRY OVER SPILLED MILK? I am hurting as much as the next one of you but I refuse to waste another day of MY life because I lost maybe the best thing I have ever had but who knows if he even was!!!! if I don’t see what else it out there i’ll never find out… this is a big world with lots of poeple to meet and lots of love to make… This is probably not the first heartbreak for some of us and it’s not going to be the last for any of us so LIVE LAUGH & LOVE like we’ve never been hurt before!!!! my thoghts & prayers are with all of you!!! and remember if no one else loves u Jesus does! XoXoXoXoXOXoXo!!!
Easier said then done! After a couple of hours of feeling like “I can get over this dude with no problem!” the pain is back in full effect….. my heart hurts!
The best thing to do is to do what you love most, ESPECIALLY the stuff you used to love doing and stopped before or while you met that person.
Scott is right. Keeping yourself busy with your true passion is the best way to heal your broken heart. If you can’t think of something creative you are really interested, I’d say writing would be the best. It’s the easiest form of art to approach, and also one of the most effective to express and release the emotional burdens within.
It’s kind of Ironic, I am writing a short story about our relationship, and so far it seems to be a good outlet for me. It is giving me a chance to see from the outside, that maybe it was never meant to be in the first place! Nonetheless, I am heart broken and still very much in love with her, but I guess, I can honestly say, since I have started this little story, I am able to move to living day to day, instead of hour to hour
My writing seems to keep me from going the deep end. Still going through the steps, I was doing great life seemed to start making sense once again But my ex came back into the pic for the second time asked forgiveness and a second chance. I was stupid and gave it to him its been two wks I have not heard from him at all. I called/ text/ email him and no response.and I know am not going to get it. The why are one of the hardest things to deal with. My writing seems to keep me from going the deep end. best outlet for me to be able to get my thoughts on paper. to be able to process them and to acknowledge them that they are real . seems to be the best cure it clears my head, heart , and my mind. life will go on..just need to remember to take it one step at a time…=/ best of luck to all
Margaret – that helped a lot – it hurts so bad but you definitely have the right attitude
Mary, I read ur story. That is so bizarre! He came back to tell u he loves, misses u and wants another chance only to ignore u:( U deserve someone to cherish all ur unique characteristics that makes u Mary. Good luck w ur journaling. I am trying to journal my feelings, prayer journal to build faith and read the Bible and journal about how God worked in diff situations in the past. One of my prayer requests I wrote in my journal was for God to please bring me hope, empowerment and encouragement. The very next day was such a good day. He gave me all 3 things I asked for in abundance for a couple days! It was pretty amazing. Anyway, that has been working for me and I am glad to hear ur journaling has been helping u too.
I will keep u and everyone on here in my prayers. It’s never easy to break-up. It’s a death we all have to mourn over. We have all lost someone so very important to us. Good luck! I look forward to finding out how ur healing is going as well as how it’s going for the rest of us on here too.
I have zip creative talent – can’t sing, play an instrument, dance, knit, sew, paint, compose or write. I don’t like to experiment with cooking cos then I’ll just eat it all myself
I gave up playing soccer for her. At 44, she felt I was going to get hurt playing with the 20 year olds. I missed it, but did it for her. Going to start playing again…for me!!
Tim,
you know it is funny how we “Give” things up for those we love in trying to please them and make them happy! I too, gave up a lot to please and make my ex happy. (and she did the same for me)! I am back to do the things I enjoyed doing before her, and this heart break that I had gone through, made me realize,that my next relationship, she will have to just accept me, for who I am!
I wish the best for you and a speedy recovery from the heartache you are currently in!
Micheal,
Thanks so much for your kind comments.
The thing is, after looking back, I am not sure exactly what she gave up. She may have some samll things, but I pretty much let her control me to some extent. And what is sadder still is I was okay doing it. Sure, I made some mistakes…some real big ones in fact. I guess the thing that keeps me going was that in the end, our relationship didn’t mean enough for her to fight for…I didn’t mean enough to her to fight for. She always told me she wanted to be a priority to me, and not an option. I used to kid her that I was way down her list of priorities, behind even her motorcycle. She never denied it, either. Just changed the subject always.
It was over just like that!! She couldn’t even really tell me…she would just tell me on the phone she didn’t know what she was thinking anymore, or how she felt. She hasn’t spoken a single word to me since the beginning of July, except to send me an email. I sent her one about a week ago that I was giving up trying to talk to her and would stop emailing her. I lashed out a bit and told her it seemed like she was playing a game with me from the beginning. She sent me an email response in just a few minutes, telling me she wouldn’t allow me to make her the bad guy, that I was the one playing the game, and that she never did “a single thing wrong in our relationship.” I was floored…the only time she would talk to me, after me crying out for help all those weeks, was to defend herself and tell me how perfect she was!! Even though I know all this now, I still miss my best friend, because that is what she was.
I agree with many here who feel they’ve lost their desire to play a particular instrument, or participate within their regular creative outlet. So far, I’ve tried to force myself to attend hand-drumming circles, for about 2 years now, ’cause I know it’s the right thing to do, to push through the pain… but so far, nothing. Maybe it’s just time to find something new…
Margaret…great comment, only wish it was that simple. the mind plays terrible games with us at times!!
I like to write I should do it more, maybe I can now that I have a broken heart It’s the only time I ever have been able to. However I would like to take a class or pick up a new hobbie like making jewelry or something
I started to write again – I’m a songwriter for a good friend’s band, so he’ll love this. Already managed
to write one song, with lots of tears but still.
Also, I wrote a letter to the person that left me behind. He’s never going to read it, of course, but I must
say it helps to let all my feelings out. I think I’m going to write ‘him’ a letter every day, until I feel better.
And for the people that believe in God or something likely – praying helps, too.
The last (and only one I was truly happy with) poem I wrote was just after we met..i was so inspired!! I am going to write again but know it’s just gonna make the tears come while I do it..but I figure if i get it all down..I get it all out..scared to start..but i miss writing..i miss him god damnit! ahh want to write happy!!!!
I wrote a story about ripping my ex’s head off…
im so hurt. i play the guitar i write songs but when i play it or write i start to cry? i dont know what to do i just want to ripe my heart off!
I taste Spain. I smell Mexico. I feel his arm around me and we walk.
And we walk.
And we walk.
I wake up and I’m alone and it’s what he wants and I’m crying but it doesn’t do me any good.
I don’t have wanderlust. I don’t feel the need to branch out and meet others, I don’t want to experience the feel of a new body. I know all too well that almost all people are not worth my time.
This may sound strange to some but i go onto facebook and there is a program called farmtown. I got to level 30 and i decided to redesign my whole farm. It was a mess before but now its become a fantasy sort of thing. One day i hope to find a wonderful man so im redesigning where i would like to get married, thats the first step but its only the beginning. Its hard and tedious work because of all the flowers i have on there and i placing them else where but its creating something wonderful in my mind. Im enjoying it, it also takes me away from the rat race and stops me thinking of bad things when i want my mind to be quiet.
I sing and my ex plays piano. My favorite music is forbbiden now ‘cos we listened and played it together… I write poems he does too
I really like to read but I have to study so I’m feeling guilty if I read anything else but my study material 
I love to paint, draw, well I like to do a lot of creative things. Would really like to go dancing again, that one I stopped when we got together… The problem is I can’t stop crying and I don’t wanna start crying on a dance class hehehe, murder on the dance floor. So I just watch cartoons and movies and its not good…
We should stop ruining ourselves we should love ourselves first
Joanne, I have wondered about that farm thing on fb. It seems really weird. Is it like a “sim-city” kind of game or what?
First – Sheldon. Your comment “I know all too well that almost all people are not worth my time.” upset me because I’ve felt the same way many times – usually in pain – and it’s a sad way to view the world. If we didn’t think that sometimes, wouldn’t finding someone who IS worth your time seem so much less special? If everyone loved each other, sad but true – we might just take it all for granted. Evil and mean spirited people have to exist in this world to make the good ones shine through, and people have different sides to them. Through my breakup, I’ve seen the darkness inside me: vengeful, jealous, angry, sad – and it frightens me. It could scare anyone, even the good people I’m meant to meet while I’m here. I wish the good ones weren’t so rare, but I think a lot of them are hiding their light – hurting like me, just trying to fit in, or a lot of them haven’t grown into that good or loveable person yet. It’s tough to learn how to be positive in times like these. I will not hide my light. You shouldn’t either Sheldon, or you’ll be hard for that special soul to find. Michael and Tim: I was a ballroom dancer, wiccan, and a prolific writer – and I gave those things up because of her. I wanted to spend time savouring a life with her that would someday be worth writing about instead of being locked onto a keyboard all the time, and she didn’t believe in magic or like to dance, so I didn’t anymore. She liked who I was more at the beginning when I had those passions, but she wasn’t much interested in sharing those great loves of mine. When we got into martial arts together, we never thought we’d end up being world champions, but we did. I only hoped we’d bond over it and find peace, but we didn’t. Ego and stress and all the mess of ten years’ ups and downs got in the way. She saw me through the best and worst times and was a good companion – even saw me through an illness that nearly killed me – still, the love she had for me is gone. I think perhaps because I lost track of the person I was. Now, like Michael and Tim – I wonder about the things I gave up, the writing, magic and dance. I lost a big part of who she fell in love with when I gave up my passions. I will not hide my light again. It was a mistake to. Even though I helped her rediscover a childhood passion she had lost track of in the martial arts – she’s not becoming a kinder, more peaceful or centered person for it as I found the arts did for me. She’s growing in different ways that have changed her into someone with greater confidence and drive – more assertiveness and less shyness. I don’t like the pushier ego side of it though – and she’s said she doesn’t like the part of herself that talks to me impatiently or with anger. She didn’t give up a passion, she regained one, so I still love her because I think she’s still a lot more the person she was, but feels her new passion is more important than me. Even though I always supported it and really enjoy martial arts myself – we both get something different from it. Seems like peoples’ passions and creativity make up a big piece of who they are, who they become, and how they treat one another. I don’t know if it works better in a relationship to share a passion or retain seperate ones and support each others’, but I feel it may be a little of both. If there’s ever a next time – I need to make sure I never hide that light. This is a chance for both of us to find the light within ourselves again and let it shine. It’s still tough as hell, but I take some solace in the notion that now, I may one day dance again or spend more time with people who understand my spiritual side. I’m already finding some peace through writing – finally wrote her a song, and a letter about my feelings. I’m writing this now to share, feel better and maybe help others. A good person told me today even if you’re filled with daggers, you have to send them out as flowers to the universe – and it will send them back to you as flowers. Here – take a flower everyone. I don’t have many to share right now but remembering and sharing what is good in life can show this world the light we have. I still feel as though I’m filled with daggers on the inside – but when they reach the surface, I will let them out as flowers and send them to the world. Through every one of those holes left in my soul afterward – I pray to all that is for my light to shine through. Take care.
Its funny how life is, u go thru it worrying of doing no harm to anybody so when u find “the One” he or she will treat u with the same respect, but the day comes and u are used and abused and thrown out…
Its my first breakup, my first relationship, the first time I actually open up and give myself in body and mind to anyone and the truth it feels like Im crazy, one day I wake up and Im fine and the next I just wanna have a knife next to me to finish it all, today I feel like and old worn, tossed out shoe…..
Tobias,
i wish I had your wisdom and memory to remind me all day what your letter said and Tim and Michael also. it helped me heal. Everythings hurts so much, its been too long( almost four years too damm long) I wish i could write some more, but I gotta go
josiemejia@yahoo.com
Thank you guys very much…
I have been dancing for nine years. Im only fifteen but I just got my heart broke by a guy I truely thought I loved. Now whe I try to dance its no longer upbeat its more sad and depressing. My dance instructor thinks its a good time in my dance career but I don’t agree. I WANT THE OLD ME BACK!!!!
everything reminds me of him I feel like as if I lost myself being with him ive changed so much for him and in the end it didnt mean anything i guess cuz now im alone all my favorite spots that i could go release my thoughts i took him there and if i go now memories of us will be there and many tears….
i can’t seem to put one foot in front of the other, theres such a heaviness. But I do believe I want to heal that is why I’m writing this. But i was so desperate for this terrible feeling to go away I found this site, and I’m very grateful someone was thought full enough to put this website here for me. And I’m doing the best I can to make a shift occur. thank you for this wonderful site karan
i would like start cooking again i t would h elp m e alot
maybe i could start cooking
I made a stew. A good stew. A beer stew. That also kept me from drinking most of the beer. The Yorkshires didn’t rise this time, but they soaked up the gravy just as well. As the flavours and aromas in the stew begin to marry, It becomes evident again that I’ve lost something. I have to re-learn life a little. More first times, more mistakes. More good stew. Hopefully not so much I get fat or sick. I’m a good cook – love food, enjoy the result, but cooking can be stressful. I don’t think she’ll appreciate the mad cooking skills of Rotten Ronnie justsomuch. Yeah, I registered like Ouch!!! on the dump-o-meter on this site. Still healthy-bitter, I think. So perhaps I should dance more and maybe wait to cook for a woman who likes the ingredients mixed, not burnt. I’m hurting but still love the one that she used to be. The cooking though I love it – has a bitterness now that – oh yes, it was Canadian Extra Dry. Beer and Beef, in perfect harmony, A wonderous distraction from life – as will working out become if I keep cooking anything this damn fine!
Hey Ray, I too play the guitar, since the break up I have improved, especially in my picking, I had to change the songs I was listening to and now listen to stuff he didn’t like. There were heaps of songs I had never really listened to and I thought I could pick them up on the guitar. So I gave it a go, starting with R.E.M Everybody hurts! Picked it up in 5 minutes with some help from you tube and have learned about 50 new songs from artisits he’s not into, even stuff from different time warps and genres. Me and my daughter go crazy singing all our newfound songs from the oddest singers in town. Try Nana Muskouri or Anne Murray, you’ll love her song ‘ you needed me’, but i sing that one to God, cause it just makes sense to.We learned all the words too and now my daughter and I have a whole new CD collection and a new repertoire of songs that he can’t sing with us, because he doesn’t know them. We parted in april this year, after 22 years and 2 daughters and now he’s getting married to his friends widow (his friend drowned in May this year) so I’m even too shattered to curse about it anymore. I was actually looking for something to help my chest pain but came across this site when I realised maybe it’s more of a broken heart? But I’ll get to the dox tomorrow and make sure I’m not having a heart attack anyhow. Love and prayers everyone, what a cool site!!!! : )
It’s not been easy, I still find myself bursting into tears at least once every couple of days. I have started journaling and that’s what’s kept me going for the last couple of weeks. I still love her so much, she wants to be a friend but I can’t allow that because I’m not fully healed. I always wake up in the morning feeling weak and tired, I’m no longer the energetic fellow I used to be. Friends and family can’t appreciate the pain I’m feeling now and it’s terrible.
hey guys, i think this it a bit out of place but i wrote a poem for getting over her but apparently this is the result…
let this pain linger in this heart of mine
co’z of the love you left behind
this I pray to the heavens above
for i fear this is all of you that i will ever have…
Sealed,
I forgot about freedom long ago, I can’t remember much that’s past,
Only my soul is not meant to end up dead inside this glass.
All what you once loved, remains deep inside of my heart..
Out of reach, It hurts even more that I can’t relive that much.
[chorus]
I know who you are, the scars and all you’re sins..
They will not be forgotten when there still flaws within.
Out of reach, in the deepest of my heart.. The pilot flame keeps burning,
never fading out.. In time it will reveal the fall, and I will take the steep climb out.
I know where I lived for, and why I’m trapped alive,
The trembling promise; ‘’not to forget about you’’ when you sealed the topside tight.
I’ll be there, warming in the darkness of candle light..
With the moon feeding my drowning soul tonight.
[solo]
[chorus]
I know who you are, the scars and all you’re sins..
They will not be forgotten when there still lies within.
Out of reach, in the deepest of my heart.. The pilot flame keeps burning,
never fading out.. In time it will reveal the fall, and I will take the steep climb out [larger echo]
[Spoken slowly] I’m still here, Deep in the core of your heart,
knowing what happened ever since,
when you locked the door… the twenty-third.
Wrote the song/ poem.. half a year ago. When I got the comformation my ex was allready in love with someone else all along..
i dont feel like commenting anything
it hurts so much
i do write a diary and when i feel really bad i start to write something there, often end up crying.. also, when i feel really bad i try to speak to different people, and sometimes just speakin to some1 is making me feel a little bit better, but not every time i want to speak to some one they have time to chat with me..so its still not good. i dont know. it was my first true love first break up and i just cant sort myself out after all that. it has been 1 year now, and i still cry to the songs which reminds me about the time i spent with that person.. i just cant cope have had enough of everything 
he never really wanted to be with me in the first place he just used me to get what he wanted n then he cheated on me n lied about it it hurts sooooo much putting this up on the internet but i need to if i wanna get over this one
Ray, i also play guitar. and my fingers fail me a lot after what happened. but i do not set my guitar down until i have learned something knew almost everyday, i hope you can do the same.
Doing all these things only evokes too many painful memories as they most probably have been done with the one we loved and lost.Trying to do this only brings more tears.
Also my soul feels completely numb and empty and spent and dead, and nothing seems to come out of it. And the funny part is I don’t even care.
If only I could fastforward my life till the end. I will never be able to regain my zest for life.The magic is gone.
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