Step 6: Find your Creative Outlet
Songwriters and poets have often said their most prolific periods happen immediately after the end of a relationship. Whereas normally they might write a song every couple months; they suddenly find themselves pumping out five songs in a single month following a breakup. On top of that, it tends to be among their best material! Many of us feel absolutely compelled to get creative during times of sadness/reflection, and I can’t help but think this happens naturally, as our emotional state of mind searches to heal. In fact, studies have confirmed exercising creativity elevates mood and general contentment. Perhaps surprisingly, it also promotes physical health – and get this – and longevity!
Everyone has creative talent. This is a perfect time for you to exercise yours. It’s a matter of discovering which medium is most enjoyable and most fulfilling for you. Here are the possibilities.
Exercise: Choose 1 of the creative exercises from the list below-
Writing. Start with a letter. A good old fashioned letter, handwritten, mailed with a stamp. (Long distance telephone rates have dropped so much over the years, and combined with the dominance of e-mail, no one ever writes traditional letters anymore.) There’s something special that happens when you put pen to paper. Most of us know an aunt with a cardboard box filled with old letters, kept under a bed. I can’t imagine years from now someone digging out a cardboard box filled with old e-mails. Writing is a great healer. Don’t underestimate the power of putting words on a page. Try a poem. If you play an instrument, compose a song. Or, a short story. If you can’t see yourself writing a poem or a song, a story might feel more approachable. Heck, if you’re feeling ambitious, take a run at a screenplay.
Painting/drawing/sculpture. Go for it. So often people have an interest in exploring their artistic side, but they lack the confidence or initiative. Try your hand at painting. There are great oil/watercolor starter kits available. Sketching. Pastels. Wood carving. Something will be right for you.
Photography is an amazing creative expression. Experiment. Shoot trees, rocks, the sky, anything. If you’re computer savvy, Photoshop has unlimited possibilities in terms of creative manipulation of images.
Crafting. Make a Quilt. Make Jewelery. Pottery. Whatever you decide, put your stamp on it.
Cooking. Yes, cooking! But, be creative. This isn’t about following recipes. Try fusion – combining foods.
Common Hurdles:
You can’t draw? Who cares?!?. This isn’t about that kind of talent. You have creative potential, we all do.
Being precise or exact? Freewheel! Don’t be rigid or methodical, not with this step. This isn’t model-making, this is art.
Staying in your comfort zone? If you already write songs, try painting. If you’re a photographer, try sculpture.
This is a sneak peak of Step to Heal, for the full blown program, click here.
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I draw and write poems already but i just cry when I do now because me and *name* always used to draw together.
I’m 15 by the way.
I’m starting a kick boxing class next weke to help build my confidence and release some built up pain and hurt.
I will try something, but it is so hard!!! My heart is so broken!
actually, i somewhat disagree with this. I am a composer/guitarist and I haven’t been able to write anything good since the heartache. Obviously if you have a talent at drawing/writing/composing, you would have shared that with your ex. Well I always used to play and write for her and now doing these things just cause more pain.
Hey James – actually, my ex couldn’t have been the least bit interested in my other passions. Not until martial arts came into my life did she decide this was a way she wanted to go. I don’t think I read her anything I wrote, never danced a song with her, never had a real discussion about magic, never sang a song with her. I tried, but she wasn’t into it. I’d say luck is not your problem sir. We had a good run, for one reason or another…but I understand the void. I know the sharing, and I wonder what’s worth to share. Why should it hurt too much if guys like us are going to waste? It’s not our loss, is it? Only if we allow it to be, I’d reckon.
Every time I try an think of something positive, I think of her being with the new person doing the things we did, I loose all intrest in trying something new.
I love to take pictures.I think I will try and take some pictures and use them as Christmas presents.Since I’m not going to have as much money this year with him being gone this will help in more ways than one.I will do this as soon as I find a way to get up and get dressed and quit crying.:)
I feel like everytime i try not to think about him i think more of what we planned and that its over.
I paint on my wall.. i could paint it all white and start all over again. I never knew i could feel so much pain from one person.. i just cant wait till time helps me heal.
I still can’t put it away. I’m still crying all the time. I saw him out with the new girl on Sunday. I told him “you don’t even know who Sheldon and Leticia are. Maybe you never did…” He responded, “You’re my forever”. I don’t even know what to do with that. I went home with him last weekend after a Halloween party, and I saw her shit there, and her writing all over the blackboard that I built with him. I knew it was over, and I knew about her, I wasn’t surprised, and it didn’t hurt as much as I would have thought. What really hurt was seeing him out with her, a place we used to go together, dancing, laughing with her and a new group of friends. Once he saw me, they all left pretty quickly, I guess. But not before he was forced to say hello to me outside. A kiss on the cheek, an introduction to one of the friends he was out there with. There was an awkward silence, and the friend said, “you’re pretty!” I said thanks, but in my head I thought, “it does me no good”. Then a photographer wanted to take photos of me, so I was able to turn my back. I never saw him after that.
Now I can’t stop crying again. I can’t look at him at work, I don’t want to. All I want is to get the f**k out of here. All I want to do is go home and work on my “art” project.
I’m worried about Thanksgiving. My daughter will be coming home, and I’m going to have to keep it together. She’s going to realize I’m not seeing him anymore, and I’m going to have to explain, come up with a reason we’re not spending time together anymore, when there was nothing wrong before she left for school. I don’t know what I’m going to tell her. What’s the abbreviated version?
I don’t even know where we’ll be having Thanksgiving dinner.
Hi, Sheldon.
I read your post with sympathy. I too am a bit lost for Thanksgiving. My daughter goes to her dad’s every year and for the past 4, I’ve spent Thanksgiving and Christmas just with him. I’d a’ready turned down invitations from friends but I’ve decided that I’m going to reinvite myself….Sitting at home alone isn’t going to help me. Tell your friends you’d like to come – and that you’d like to bring your daughter. Just make sure it’s one where he won’t be.
Everything reminds me of him, every song, every bar, every street, every cafe, even a stapler on my desk! To get him out of my system I feel as though I should not leave the house. It kills me inside. He says he doesn’t love me any more but I refuse to believe this shift. I know it’s driven by guilt (long story). I need to focus on the things I am good at. I need to make changes. I need to look forward to an amazing future. I will. I will. I will.
There’s no getting over her, even as I’m typing this I’m in pain, I’m tired,but I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. We went from being in a relationship, to being friends, to associates, to nothing at all. She wants nothing to do with me. I never cheated or anything . She just got tired, she said I didn’t understand friendship and now I think she’s with one of her male friends and happy meanwhile I’m feeling like sh*t I don’t want to live anymore. She was my life. My heart only beat for her.
These steps are pretty helpful in my opinion.
I’m 16 and I’m always falling for a guy and it never works out. I’ve never even been in a relationship. Hard as I try, it always ends up leaving me feeling depressed, like I’m going to end up dying alone (I know, “I’m only 16 and a relationship will come when it’s ready.” Why don’t YOU try thinking back to 16 and remember how YOU felt then?). Then I usually end up turning it around and hating MYSELF because it doesn’t work out (until someone new comes around). I got tired of this stupid cycle so i came here, and it’s actually working. My favourite step is the creativity (I’m back to what I love: drawing and writing extremely emo songs, stuff i gave up in favour of sitting on my computer doing absolutely nothing) and it actually helps. So for those of you who think this site doesn’t help, you are so wrong.
It’s especially true, because most recently, I fell for my one close guy friend (for about 2 years, actually – but he has a girlfriend) and it didn’t work out, so I decided I’d settle for best friendship. Just when it seemed like we were even going to be closer as friends (I was comforting him when his dad died) it was like he (or his girlfriend, probably) just turned on me. I stopped getting to see him as much, and his girlfriend was BITCH (she’d give me dirty looks, or demand his affections when I was around) Now I don’t see him anymore. That hurt like hell for the LONGEST time, but when I started living for myself and not devoting my time to hurting over him (like I said, these steps helped) I’ve been flourishing socially. I’ve been getting invited out with friends a lot more, and meeting even more new friends in doing so. Also, from what a friend has told me, guys have been checking me out more (I like to think it’s ’cause I’ve been giving off a MUCH happier vibe). Plus, I’ve got another close guy friend who doesn’t seem like he’ll be going anywhere for a while. So I may not have a boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean I’m alone, or anyone else is for that matter. Oh, and my ex guy-friend? He’s just another face in the halls at school to me. And from what I’ve heard, he’s got NO friends, must devote ALL his time to his girlfriend, and when I saw him the other day, he looked MISERABLE. Plus, he took one look at me and ran the other way (I like to think it’s because he’s finally admitted to being a coward ;D)
this is getting beyond a joke, i ended a r,ship a few months ago as we were driffting along, but all I do now is think about her all the time she is with another guy now and i think all i,am doing is thinking about the good times and forgetting the bad ones, but I would give anything to get back with her
I’m just going to get on with my life…surround myself with my loved ones and do everything that I can to heal as quickly and completely as I can. I’m not planning on meeting a new potential partner anytime soon, I’ve more important things to focus on at the moment, but if someone special does come along one day (and I do hope it’s him after taking the time he needs to realise that we were right), I’m not going to shut down for fear of feeling this pain agian. Next time, I’ll just take it slower and make sure before giving it everything I’ve got and planning a future. And I’ll always keep that little bit in reserve for me, which is why now, day 3, I know I’ll be okay soon. This is heartbreak number 2 and in many ways, this one is much, much worse. Good luck to everyone who has found themselves here.
I used to be so creative as a child and teenager. I’d draw, design clothes, make clothes, take photos, write stories. But as I became an adult I realised I wan’t especially talented at any of these things and so I decided not to waste any time or money on them anymore. My enjoyment of these activities faded and so did my inspiration.
Nowadays the only creative/artistic activity that gives me satisfaction is singing. I enjoy singing karaoke. Only trouble is, when I finally (nine months after the breakup) found the courage and energy to take myself out singing (none of my girlfriends are into karaoke), I was targeted by lonely older men wanting to ‘hook up’. Their obvious advances (one of the men actually pointed and stared at me for the entire time I was there and then, when I had to walk past him to find the exit door he actually grabbed my hand and kissed it. Yuk! Slimey!)took much of the joy away from my brave act to go out alone.
I just wanted to do something I love. I didn’t want to be bothered with ‘Lonely Lotharios’ but the fact that a woman can’t seem to go out on her own without these people imposing themselves upon her has meant that I haven’t been able to find the courage to go out and do the thing that I enjoy (sing) since that night over a month ago.
Maybe I will try my hand at painting until I become more confident and can handle the attentions of men I don’t find myself attracted to.
vanessa,
surely your friends could make the effort to spend some time at the karaoke to help you move on, and older guys
like to go out as well they have feelings too.! but I agree its not right that woman can,t go out to a bar without
being deemed as a target!!
Thanks James for your comment. Yes, one of my girlfriends has said she will come out with me in the future.
I am trying to push my boundaries. I am at a point in my recovery where I have accepted that I may always be alone and so that is why I went out on my own. There may not always be someone there to accompany me. But I realise I need to become even more brave in order to handle some of the uncomfortable realities of being a single woman in the world.
James, I understand how you feel. You are still grieving deeply over your lost love and yes, the creative juices definitely dry up when we are suffering depression. Perhaps you could turn your hand to a different artistic pursuit while you are recovering. Find something you’ve never tried before or have always wanted to try, don’t expect much of yourself and see what happens.
I think I want to find an artistic pursuit that I can just ‘lose myself’ in.
I think what’s what we all need when we suffer from the horrible pain of heartbreak. And I know that drugs and alcohol only make things worse — so I must find a hobby.
Best wishes to all of us who are struggling. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and congratulate yourself on making it through another day.
Vanessa… eww, I really feel for you. Unfortunately, a lot of ‘older guys’ at karaoke bars live by the life-code: “I don’t know if it’s the beer talkin’ darlin’… but I think I love ya”. I reiterate… ‘eww’! If only lonely & desperate people could finally realize that booze makes them even lonelier, even more desperate… and let’s not forget, even stupider. I agree with James though. Drag those girlfriends out with ya!! They owe you. Hell, they may even have a good larf or two!
Haha GalGoTha, I’m sure you’re right about it being primarily the ‘booze talkin’ through the ‘lonely hearts. Otherwise it was a pretty fun night I had and, yes, the girlfriends would probably have had a good ‘larf’.
Take care.
I am a Chef and use that as my creative outlet. What better way anyhow then chopping things up?lol
I write music as a hobbie in my band and already started writing stuff …. there is so much emotion tied to what I write I am not sure if this helps or not ……
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