Are you as sad as our pooch?
From 35 emails, 18 texts, 9 calls, 5 voicemails and daily visits to NOTHING? Is that what we’re asking you to do – cut off all contact with your ex? It’s actually not sad, because the thought of not seeing or speaking to your ex is so painful that it almost seems like a joke. Yet, no one is laughing. You know what else isn’t funny? Refreshing your email 100 times a day and checking every other man made mobile device waiting for a beacon of hope. It’s exhausting. Well, it’s time to make a change. You can stop contacting your ex and start healing. You can. You will. We will help.
First, let’s look at the problem. You can last a few days with no contact riding off some anger and the encouragement of friends, but then it happens. You are alone with your blackberry, watching tv and you see a commercial you both loved…
You stare at your phone and the most urgent reason to call him manifests: I still have his favorite socks. I wouldn’t want him going to the gym and run on the treadmill without socks. I think I heard on Good Morning America that running sockless is linked to a toe infection epidemic. Yes, that’s right, that’s what they said. This is definitely an emergency. I should definitely call him.
Others decide it’s time to will the phone to ring or vibe with a new text. Yes, I will stare at the phone and use my telepathic powers to make her contact me. Wait! Maybe there is something wrong with the phone. I should make an outgoing call to make sure. Oh, okay, it works. Wait! In the three seconds I was dialing, maybe she called and got thrown into voicemail and thought I ignored her call. Okay, I should definitely call her.
If you want to contact your ex, you will find a reason. Likewise, if they want to contact you, no reason in the world would keep it from happening. It is up to you to cut the contact. Does it make you feel better to get a message from your ex? Sure. Does it get you through the night to send a little text and hear something back? Perhaps. However, in the end, you don’t get what you want from them and the contact makes you feel worse. Your greater goal is to get over this heartache and contact is not moving you towards this goal. Every contact is just delaying the healing process.
Here are 8 Ways to Help you go Cold Turkey!
1. Take Care of Business – Get a box and pack up keys, clothes, kids (ok, not the kids), but all other items he or she will want back. Ship them to your ex.
2. Identify your Weak Points - When do you want to call or contact the person most? Think about it. Ready? Ok, write it down. Now be conscious of your weak points and when you hit one, use #3 to combat your temptation to make contact.
3. Create an Arsenal of Distractions – Make a list of things that you can do instead of contacting your ex. (i.e. Calling a friend, going outside, taking a shower etc.) Use these when something in #2 creeps up.
4. Find your 3 Doosies – Write down your three biggest reasons for not contacting your ex. One might be because I always feel worse after I hang up the phone. Put them on post-its and stick them next to every electronic device you have.
5. Quit Online Stalking – Make it stop. Delete your ex from Facebook, Twitter, Gchat etc. Develop new online habits.
6. Fancy Not Meeting You Here – Don’t frequent the places you used to frequent together. This one is kind of a Duh! If you are intentionally going to places you think you will run into your ex, stick one of the post-its from #4 on your head.
7. Back away from the Blackberry – Put the phone in another room at night. When you are out having a drink, hand the phone to your friends to reduce temptation. Vow to only check it 1-2x per day.
8. At a Minimum, Try the Lite Recovery Plan – If this is too much to bear, we get it. This is the slower route, but it will eventually get you into the fast track. Try cutting out one form of communication per week. First calls, then emails, then texts, you get the picture.
Need more help healing from a broken heart? Try Amelie’s scientifically supported Step to Heal program – check it out here.
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Btw Robert, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. WE ALL WILL. Stay hopeful (;
Hello all..
Hopeful, I needed to share something that is very timely and came from my friend Jennifer from Massachusetts..a lifelong friend. Her husband and I are equally great friends! She was a sounding board like ‘Trying’ and ‘Sarah’ for seemingly forever and knew that most recently I was spiraling down badly. Read below her words..so very rich and full of sound reality. I hope you find it useful too. I need to climb up now and feel what she means…as do you. Take good care and I hope you are well…Robert *See below*
Jennifer said…
Such a love Robert. When you give your heart, mind, and soul away to the one you love, LOVE rewards you with its joy and beauty. Love is not a temporary “feeling.” It is a constant giving.
You suffer so very much because you have loved so deep and so well, and now you found that you have lost half of your being. You’re sickened by the thought of someone else near her, because in your heart, she still belongs to you. The sense of oneness you shared was not meant to be broken, nor did you feel it would be. You sit home in pain at night and in the early morning and cannot imagine romantic love and passion without her. Thus, it is only natural to hold fierce disdain for anyone else seeking her attention and one day possessing one you love. I have known this pain myself in the past, and it is overwhelmingly devastating to the mind, body, and soul. Your identity vastly changes, is stripped away, and painful emptiness seems to envelope your entire being.
It is impossible for the the mind to tell the heart to heal faster Robert. The heart fondly recalls that which soothed your soul once. But it is your strong, vibrant mind and not your aching heart that will save you in all this. Let your mind lead you through all the stages, possibly ones you missed because you could not accept that your relationship ended ….anger, grief, solitude, inner peace, and ultimately acceptance. As long a you allow yourself to keep rolling the past around in your head, you will remain frozen. You have been ‘stuck’ for far too long.
When one you loved has offered words stating that they themselves have “moved on,” then all you are left to do is painfully acquiesce to that same mindset. I know this is easier said than done. I know you well and you’re carrying such intense pain for so long has crippled your heart far too long. Let her go Robert and live your life. You are a warm, handsome, sweet, loving man and any woman would feel gifted to be in your presence. I am gifted simply by knowing and loving you as a cherished friend…always there for me in my own times of need. NOW is YOUR time of need. It seems simplistic but stop the trauma and feel the sunshine on your face and relish in ‘loving you’ again. Quite honestly, if you keep feeling the same pains, torturing yourself with images of her and what she is doing in her life…doing the same things in a vaccum, merely expecting things to magically change, then you will get absolutely nowhere. I know you well. Your true heart and mind, disengaged from all of this sadness does too.
Hey all, I just wanted to check in and say that I hope you guys are doing well.. I’m doing much better thanks to you guys. I’ve come to the realization that if someone doesn’t love you why should you love them? I’m not dwelling anymore.. because he’s not the same person. He doesn’t care anymore if he hurts me. Which sucks, but shit happens. I’m learning to let go and let God. I hope you guys are all great. Hugs, Hopeful.
Hey ‘Hopeful’…all,
It’s funny isn’t it how you feel as if you have turned a corner, or felt better in a way that made you ‘think’ you are free and clear of pain and bad feelings? I guess as human beings we are all hit in ‘waves’ almost akin to standing waist high in water at the ocean and being rocked when you least expect it…knocked off balance. For me, September marks a full calendar year since my breakup (aside from on again..off again things like most) and STILL there are days when something rocks me, and nights when alone as I recall something we did or a time that invokes emotions in us. Hopeful, in many ways your relationship mirrors my own in that our ex-significant other is the one who pulled the trigger on the end…basically dumped us. I think in that deepest sense of rejection, there are few human emotions that compare to the jolt of someone ending a relationship and as you said…..”they do NOT love you anymore.” I don’t care what rock solid foundation you may think you possess, but when you are dumped vs doing the dumping, there is a significant difference in the whole acceptance thing. For me, I struggle with visualizing her “dating” and ultimately becoming intimate…physical with another. I really struggle with that. I am not of the same mindset right now and cannot date as she seeks to in her life. I am just not there yet and very frustrated that eventually any romantic interlude WILL carry some level of sensual/sexual intimacy. THAT is my deepest struggle…believing that she will come back one day and we will share our love again..FANTASY LAND! A friend of mine asked the other day, “Robert…if she all of a sudden shifted gears and said I would love to see you again…let’s fix this thing. What would you say?” I said I would probably not entertain it because too much damage has been done within the heart. But ask yourself if you were faced with that same dilemma, how would you react? Whew…one year approaching in September since all this heartbreak began…almost unfathomable. I probably appear as a man stuck…obssessed…unable to “move on” as I was told to do. I guess for some like me, you “move on” when you feel it is time and your truest senses of grieving and acceptance arises. Hopeful, I do hope you are o.k. and have not been sucked in over the whole mental gymnastics thing. Ah yes…our minds DO play tricks on us, as well as haunt us sometimes don’t they? We just all need to stay strong and day by day keep in mind EXACTLY what you said above Hopeful……”if someone doesn’t love you why should you love them?” They are losing no sleep at all and in all likelihood because of the differences in emotion, are probably already on that whole damn dating thing. They HAVE moved on. Sometimes it takes us a bit longer…Strong, warm hugs, Robert
Hi all,
Robert,
It’s funny how you said that “our minds play tricks on us.” I was doing great. I was absolutely wonderful. Until yesterday morning. I was talking to a friend and she told me that he asked her about me. She said that I was good. and several time throughout the night he asked, “so, she’s good?” When she told me, I felt as if all the pain came rushing back. The nerve of him. What, am I SUPPOSED TO BE MISERABLE? Well, I’m NOT. Anyway, I let her know that for future references.. I DONT want to know. I don’t want to know anything about him. And I was on with my life again. I was fine. Then I got a missed call from him. What the f*ck? I didn’t call back. I don’t want to. But some part of me is curious. But the other part is more dominant. That part of me is MAD. I don’t understand why he feels the need to call and ask about me. I am doing fine without him, is that so hard to believe? Sure, I have my moments of loneliness, but I’d rather be lonely that talk to him. There is no good that will come out of talking to him. I do not want to know what he’s up to. Why hurt myself? I want this pain to stop. I don’t want to know anything.
Hi I’m back and I need to vent. So my ex came back….lured me back to him….said the words I’ve been longing to hear from him, I actually believed him…yeah I’m an idiot. 2 days after, he took it all back. He said he hates me that I should just go back to where I came from because I am not wanted here. (I moved in the same state as he is, to be with him supposedly). Few days after, he is flirting with my BEST friend. He sent me a text message just to ask for her number. It made me really depressed/upset/angry. He tried to make me feel better not because he wanted to but because my friend told him to try cheer me up. They are so damn insensitive. I told him, he’s killing me. His answer was “Stop being difficult. You made me do it” I don’t know what to do. I’ve been on this before but I don’t think I can go through the pain again. Honestly I have been wishing not to wake up anymore or go in a coma or something…ANYTHING that could stop the pain. He doesn’t give a damn because according to him, he hates me and I hate myself too for not being able to accept things.
Hey ‘Hopeful’ and ‘Miracle’ again… ‘Miracle’ I am sad that you were used for bait and drawn back in. In many ways it is what ‘Hopeful’s’ ex is doing to her albeit in a very surrepititous, sneaky kind of way. It all means this. It SUCKS!
Hey…our minds DO play tricks on us for sure but I also believe that WE all ALLOW them to play either one tune or another. Hopeful, that is pure B.S. how he goes sniffing around your friend KNOWING that you will get the news of his queries. That is crap. Then he even adds to the fire by tossing in a phone call. I became best friends with my ex’s (Danielle) brother, who remains crushed by all of this. I was so shocked when it happened…cried on his shoulder and all for what 11 months? Now though like you, my ex made it VERY clear to me that she had “moved on…wanted..needed to date” (still don’t know why she had to express it to me…other than to rub it in and make it even more injurious!!) so now I have had no choice but to keep my emotions, feelings and ALL my words in check. It has now been 2 weeks since any type of contact, and like your feelings Hopeful, it is REALLY for the best! If you borrowed my words above I will steal yours when you said “there is no good that will come out of talking to him.” Think about it. Even though sometimes we can create EVERY reason on Earth to call our ex’s or reach out in some foolish way, to do so only makes us look weak/desperate, PROVES that we have NOT moved on, and just puts US in a bad light all over again. I am sure that his curiosities peaked your own BUT…you WILL knock your ass back ten steps sweet lady if you take a bite out of that poisonous apple. Do NOT do it…maintain the course and channel your thoughts elsewhere. He WANTED GONE…and he got it…good riddance! I am totally running silent. I honestly believe that one day, my ex will see the men out there and snap to attention one day and realize that she had a great, loving, caring guy. Perhaps she will FINALLY (doubting it because no man is perfect) meet the one of her dreams. Guess what though? You, me, Miracle…everyone else suffering here and in the past DO deserve more! Let them go completely and be strong and stay on your path. This will all pass one day. It really will…just sucks right now. Hugs to all, Robert
will it really get better? cause I’ve been trying for over 2 years and I’m still stuck. the memories torturing me and the pain is killing me little by little. I actually want to think I’m dead but then if I am then why do I still feel the pain?
Miracle…
We exchanged words a longgggggg whiloe back and YES I still feel your pain. I believe it DOES get better eventually. Hey I have one full year in so far and it has sucked at times…the depressions…mood swings and you put it best…”stuck!” BUT…I turned to internal anger. Try to focus on ALL the things you HATED or strongly disliked about your ex. REMOVE them from their damn chairs up high…their thrones and dissect them little by little. I believe over this year sometimjes I have glorified my ex’s ‘good’ points and ignored that which WAS very troublesome. When a break happens we MISS the closeness, comfortable nature, and ease of our ex’s but….do we REALLY miss them or that which was easy and nearby? Think about it…get angry a little and stay there. Don’t drift back into pain and agony. They are NOT and they ARE living their lives, dating…having sex (‘Honeymoon Phase’) with another and not even thinking of us…R
Hey Robert…are you ok?
Miracle – it’s been about 2 years for me too….I feel like I am in the same boat as you. I found out that the asshole found another victim. I know he is no good and i deserve better….but I am struggling with him have found someone else. I don’t know what I want anymore….i can’t focus on anything. I know that i have to get over this, but I feel stuck also. (Robert, don’t get upset with me – I am trying….just hard to move forward.) Should be easy, right – the guy is nothing but a liar, cheater and thief. I don’t understand what is wrong with me….do want to believe what he tells me. Is it cause I had been doing it for so long or am I that stupid? I feel so down and empty and he is all happy in his new relationship. I hate this….I hate this feeling and I know it’s up to me to move forward – BUT I DON”T KNOW HOW! How could I have let someone like him into my life and turn it upside down? How damn it!
trying to heal:
I understand. I don’t know if it’s because I love him too much that I let this go on and on or I’m just insanely stupid. He said it too many times, he doesn’t feel the same way anymore. He said we could be friends if I want, but I told him no…that is not what I want. I just want to get over him, erase all the feelings so MAYBE just maybe I can move forward. I am sick and tired of feeling afraid that one day someone could replace me. I don’t even understand why I am afraid when he gave up on us long time ago. Why am I so afraid to lose him when I don’t even have him anymore? They say it gets better in time, does it really? I keep telling myself there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I’m drowning in depression and I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t even know how long I can keep myself together.
Yeah, it’s me again…I can’t sleep. I’m going crazy – feels like more out of my mind. I wish I could turn this off. I even think of it when I go to sleep – what the heck is up with that?
Miracle, Hopeful, and Robert – I don’t know what’s wrong with this world anymore. They freaking left us….so, why in the hell do they bother to come back after a certain time and tell us things, that in the end, hurts us. Leaving us thinking things or what if’s. Sh*t you left, then stay away!
Miracle – I am in the same boat…I feel the same way. Tired of feeling this way for someone who doesn’t care a d*mn about me. Yet, when I found out he has someone new, I panicked. I have went backwards – I can’t think right, I don’t want to eat, I want to cry, but I am tired of crying. When I do cry – i cry hard and I get a headache and want to get sick, but can’t cause I haven’t eaten. And what for? He isn’t feeling any of my pain. Why can’t I stop this? I feel like something is wrong with ME…not him, but me! What’s wrong with this picture?
Also, that “best friend”, I think I would be telling her where to go also. I mean come on – a true friend would never do what she is doing to you.
I was doing so much better. I wish he would just pay me back my money and get out of my life forever!
Miracle – all I can say, we are here for you. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I just have a feeling it’s how we handle this that will get us though it all. I don’t know how yet, but we will get though this. You know how to get a hold of me if you need to talk…ok? Just keep on writing on here and spill your emotions on here…..
Wow, I just went back and re-read some of the old postings….what happen to me? I was so much stronger back in February?!
Just like what you said, Robert – a roller coaster on emotions.
How in the h*ll, do I get off of this ride?!
break up buddy anyone?
yeah can’t sleep too. i have this urge to send him a text message to tell him that he is breaking my heart and that his coldness is just killing me…but really i know it won’t change anything, he won’t come back to me…why the hell I can’t accept that?! he said it himself, he is far from being amazing…he thinks i can’t get over him and i’m actually proving him right by becoming desperate but what can i do? it’s feels like if i don’t talk to him, i would literally stop breathing and die. which is ok too so then the pain would stop right?!
damn me.
Hey, Miracle, please, please don’t send that text. Talk to me…I’m here for you….tell me what you want to tell him.
Miracle….you have to stop doing this to yourself…..we all have to stop doing this to ourselves. It scares me when you talk about how dying would end the pain. Girl, I know your in pain, I feel it…..I too am in pain. You know my whole story – why would I want to be with someone like that? I am so opposite of him. He is like a drug and I am having the hardest time getting him out of my system. But these guys are NOT worth it. We have to stop thinking about them. We have to start thinking different things when they pop up in our minds. One step at a time….1st – need to cut all communications with them….we must do this. We must be strong….don’t tell yourself it will be forever. I think this would only make it worse if we do that….make a goal for yourself. Start with a couple of days, then work up to it. We have to remember when we come in contact with them, it only re-open the wounds. It’s like pouring salt all over it.
Also, Miracle, I am worried about you, my dear. The way you think how the pain could end….please, promise me you won’t do anything to yourself. We on this website, care for you Miracle. I have opened up to you about my story and you have to me also…so, i feel a connection between as friends…so, when you get to thinking this, please try to think of my words on here to you…ok?
“Hopeful” – I am glad to see that Robert has been helping you….he is a good man.
I have been worried a little over a week ago that I ruined something or another with my ex the last time I saw him. he broke up with me 1.5 months ago and there were some head trips I had to endure over him wanting to hurry up and be friends right away and continue to call a few times a week. Well, this did not work for me and I asked for space. I had something I needed to get from him, though, so I think he used this time to call me anyway just to talk. Then, when I saw him and he gave me my stuff as I was leaving town, he acted super friendly and tried to give me a kiss before we parted ways. I was unprepared for this and I guess I acted sort of aloof. I had a lot of hurt and angry feelings and it hurt me just to see him. I get the feeling this hurt him or his ego – the way I acted and I have not heard a peep from him since. I know I asked for space and the positive thought is that he is finally giving it to me. But I also know that he might have been hurt by my somewhat aloofness ( I was also very depressed by then) and he sort of stood in the doorway as I said thank you and have a safe trip, yourself. I think he was expecting more of a sign from me and I couldn’t give him one. I am worried now that a friendship will just be tense and he is now hurt and is getting back at me in some way thinking I don’t care or something. He never had much empathy for me and I can see him never speaking to me again over this – because things did not go his way. I don’t know. It’s just something I worry about it and It’s made me want to reach out and say something nice to him, but then I just can’t. Should I just let it go and figure if he can’t understand that and be open to being friends later, then who needs him? It’s just been really hard. I don’t know if he understands why I need space, though I explained it to him.
And by the way, who reaches out to be friends first? I asked for space and no contact and it’s been 9 days now and I am proud of myself. He broke up with me, wanted to be friends, but I am the one who asked for space. We never said when that would end. Should I wait for him to contact me at some point since he broke up with me? I think this is the way it should go. Mostly, because I don’t really trust myself not to be hurt as hell if I do reach out to him and he is uninterested in my friendship. We broke up before and he was not very nice at times and then came running after me as a friend on HIS terms. That kind of person I can deal with that as long as we are not going to be dating anymore. I want to continue to do art with him and I think he is right that we can be better friends than lovers. Thoughts?
hi everyone!
@tryingtoheal I’m sorry about that but the other day I was just feeling extremely depressed! I still am, I’ve been bursting into tears every time he crosses my mind and think of what could have been and the what not.
does anyone of you ever walked away from someone because you feel like they would be so much happier without you? that’s how I feel right now. he didn’t directly say that he loves me or wants to be with me but he said he’ll marry me if i come see him. I didn’t come even though I knew he was waiting for me. Why? I told myself I would stop being selfish and won’t hurt him anymore so I walk away without saying goodbye. Now I feel guilty. The over 2 years we’ve been together I feel like all I did is hurt him. I know he has said some really harsh words in the past towards me but I truly understand that it was because he is hurting.
Please tell me I’m doing the right thing…
Hello all,
Robert- Hey, how are you holding up? As for me, I am doing okay. There are times where I think about the past, I even went on his Facebook today and he deleted all of our pictures together. I don’t know anymore. I don’t even know if what we had was real.. at some point. Everytime I think about it, I get angry. I feel hate, betrayal, and anger. I don’t want to be bitter, but I don’t want to forgive him either. How am I supposed to forgive someone who has betrayed me like that? Who just out of the blue, just left me, without any regards to my feelings? How? *sigh, I don’t want to be bitter about it, but I feel like right now.. it’s all I can be.
Trying- Hello, how is everything? Yes, Robert has been so helpful and so has Sarah. Trying, I know it’s been a long time for you but have hope. Like you said, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Stop looking back. I feel that sometimes too.. Scared that he will find someone else before I find someone else.. But you can’t be like that. If they find someone else, what does it matter? They are not part of your life anymore. Cut off all connections from him. Especially emotionally.. You’ve got to move on with your life. Do things FOR YOU. It doesn’t matter if he’s found someone else and you haven’t. Go make yourself happy, and that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to go find someone else. Just go do things that’ll make you happy. New hobbies maybe? Keep telling yourself that you are better. It’s HIS LOSS, not yours. You’ve got to believe that you deserve better and to be happy. And then go do it. Keep yourself busy. Think about it, if he doesn’t want you then why want him?
Miracle- Please don’t scare us like that. Don’t talk like your life is worthless enough to want to die for a break up. Heart break hurts, yes. Extremely. But it is not the end of the world and YOU’VE got to believe that. You seem like a nice, sweet person. Do not wish your life to end for the pain to end. This pain you’re feeling, it WILL go away. But you’ve also got to take action against it. You’ve got to be strong FOR YOUR WELL BEING. Stay away from him. If they really loved you, you wouldn’t be this hurt. You deserve better, WE ALL DO. Please do not talk to him anymore, take pride in your dignity. Even if you’ve already made yourself a fool, (as I have done before).. it doesn’t matter. Take what dignity you can muster up and stay away from him. No texts, calls, e-mails, whatever it be. Respect yourself. Know that you can do waaaaaaay better, and in time, you will see that. Be strong, no one else can do it but you. Let you heart and emotions take a rest.. and let your mind take over. You and I both know that you can do this. I know it hurts, but you’ll be fine. Stay positive. God bless.
Catherine- I don’t know about you, but I believe that exes can’t be friends. Someone is always hurt.
Hello, Hopeful….thank-you for your kind words. Your words have helped me tonight. I am having a bad night. I don’t understand this – one minute, I think I am going to be ok and know that I am better off without him. Then this happens and I am falling apart, thinking that he has someone. I know that has triggered these feelings – I see other people as couple and I feel so freaking alone. He knew what I was looking for in a partner and he took advantage of that. “Hopeful” – all the feelings you listed…the anger, hurt and betrayal…you hit the nail on the head on how I feel about him. I want him to hurt and no words I say to him can do this. I don’t understand it – how did I find this evil person? I gave him so much of me and all he ever did was hurt him. I hate him…I truly hate this guy. Not even worth the time or day….but yet, I keep on doing this to myself.
So, I decided to sign up for the “Step to Heal” process on this site….hopefully, this will help me on the process of moving forward. What do I have to lose?
Miracle – you need to stop beating yourself up. Do you have any close friends that when you get to feeling this way that you can call? To help derail your mind from all of this? Or what about family? Give me a chance to go through the “Step to Heal” and let you know what I think of it and maybe it could help you too?
Catherine, I am on the same page as “Hopeful” – I believe that “ex’s” can’t be friends.
Again, thank-you “Hopeful”…your words helped me tonight…I think the crying – the tears weren’t for him, but for me to help me heal….and hopefully helping me move forward….I am tired enough to go to sleep now. I hope my mind can rest easy.
Robert – been thinking about you and hope your on the road to healing.
Hopeful, tryingtoheal:
Thanks for all your understanding and kind words.
I think the reason why I’m beating myself up for it is the fact that it is my fault. I hurt him so now I’m miserable about it. Yes I can’t forgive myself that even though he is treating me bad, I feel that I deserve it anyway. Despite all this, I am still madly in love with him. I want to get over him but just thinking about it makes me more depressed. I’ve been telling myself to let go and been praying to God to give me strength but I feel so helpless, empty and lost.
Hello Hopeful, Trying, Miracle..Sarah..all..tis Mr. Robert. Thanks so much Hopeful and Trying…and yes I am slowly..ever so gingerly starting to feel a little better. Hopeful and MIracle, you may not know this but Trying and Sarah does. I write a great deal on the side and been published a few times. As a way to decipher all that I started feeling post-breakup, I recently embarked on a new book entitled, ‘What Is The Real Reason You Left Me?’ In one of the sections that I cut and pasted below (because it seems oh so appropriate to what you are all feeling here) I addressed ‘Acceptance.’ Keep in mind that my entire book is gauged for the MALE AUDIENCE but the concepts are all the same are they not. Sorry for the length but tell me what you think of this cut?
Acceptance? What The Hell Is That?
Yup..yesiree the relationship has ended. Isn’t it funny when we are so very
wounded and down in the dumps, that the simplicity of such a word as ‘acceptance,’ is something we absolutely do not want to endorse in any way, shape, or fashion. This literally sucks and aside from losing a loved one in death, I personally do not believe there is any worse human emotion. It is a death…one of long histories, families, special occasions, fighting for the same causes…all. You mourn that which you had, and all of the pains and hurt that caused someone you were in love with to be injured (hopefully not physically). It matters not how or why people separate, divorce, or end relationships of any kind (close friendships included). The finale leaves people emotionally drained, financially crippled in some cases, and robbed of far more than that which lies within a purse or wallet. You are robbed of faith, hope, and certainty!
Here is the true skinny on the whole key to this acceptance thing. Damn it, no matter how you fight or claw to stop the whole process, when someone calls it quits and ends a relationship, you must accept it! Wow…rocket science right? Hell, one of my mainstays in life, and my kids will tell you, is that I am highly competitive…forever hated losing. I even cheated playing Yatzee…shhhh!. Even if you are able to mend fences and really do the work…revive your relationship, when a break first happens we are so busy fighting the reality of it, there is zero time to admit that IT’S OVER!
As I started tossing ideas around for this book with a colleague at work (go
figure…a psychology major) about this whole ‘acceptance’ battle raging in our heads, I conjured up a passage I wrote a long time ago that spoke of pains inside of us as we reach varied stages during relationship disturbances. I write a great deal on many different topics, having been published many times, and always come at my subjects from different (albeit sometimes twisted) angles. As I looked upon this passage once again, I found a small portion on why we get all bound up sometimes as we fight the reality of a breakup. Here is a small piece of that passage;
“I thought of her in only the finest of ways, for there was a time when we loved deeply and without reservation. I am learning through time spent with anyone special in our hearts, we all are destined to experience emotional upheavals that chip away at our personal foundations. For me at first, a painful breakup feels like a wound that will not heal, as my personal undercarriage lies exposed, bruised, and seems beyond repair.”
I really believe because we are living, breathing human beings, our personal
undercarriages do become scarred at times. Sometimes those scars run deep and
seemingly last forever. We try to buffer them with inner kindness to ourselves, but I have found it is usually either very early in the morning, or late at night when alone, that we are often the cruelest to our personal psyches. We will envision our ex and see them in varied times and places that we used to share with them. I mentioned how we will stare at clocks…certain times in the day that stirs the most active remembrances…questions posed internally of “what they must be doing right now.” It is a very natural reaction to have, especially when the break is so very fresh. Wounds hurt the worst when cuts are deep and searing.
I decided henceforth, to splice varied pieces of personal passages within the
confines of this rambling self-helper for those less fortunate in love. We have all been there before, and all I am trying to do is offer fresh perspectives to age-old issues dealing with heartbreak.
One mistake we all have made because we did love another and now lost that person, is that throughout our grieving process, our ex asked for a lot of space and time to sort out their feelings. They are not robots and especially if she broke up with you and ended the relationship, she has feelings that are hurt as well. Her wounds are no less than yours. It is just that the deep hurt we failed to see way back when as the relationship lost traction, has now manifested itself into her deciding enough was enough. Either her tolerance for things came to a boil, or her heart was just not feeling it anymore. It matters not.
We are so very crushed when a relationship ends, and our senses of stability and reality with another person has just vaporized, that even if our ex’s cried out at the top of their lungs for immediate space, we are too caught up in the moment to realize how vitally necessary it is to grant them their full requests! We all have our ghosts and each of us share our unique pasts. Yet on this matter of a woman seeking “space and time” (no guys she is not seeking employment with NASA) there is a sense of urgency to it that we all must hear. I focused on a woman and ‘space’ because let’s face it, for the most part it is rarely a guy asking for it! We cavemen are more likely to state the “it’s not you … it’s me” line because it is a tad more masculine. Seriously, think about it. I am semi-joking but the idea of us bottling up and using ‘space’ to figure out where we are headed is not our general domain.
Have you ever wondered which hurts the most…saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I know that many times in my life I have done both. I can empathize with anyone who has been deeply ashamed at times when reacting in ways that made them seem needy, obsessive, and obstinate to that which was professed…the need for “space.” When a woman begs and pleads for it, I suppose sometimes as men we never equate the need to be alone as a measure for our significant others to restructure the ways in which they choose to live their lives. I honestly believe that the most important things in life are by far the hardest things to say. For some people in their life, there lies deep within a true fear in telling someone “I love you…really love you.” I suppose some may fear that if those words are sincerely voiced, one day it may lead to a breaking of their hearts. The real risk though lies in the fact that by not saying those words and truly meaning it, you may risk one day breaking theirs. That is why it is absolutely vital that if one you love asks for…pleads for peace and serenity…time alone, never make the mistake that most of us have made and blindly wave it off as something superficial. Like a cry for help, they are begging in a way to figure out which direction they are soon to travel. Your insistence to be heard, drowns out their cries for space. In all likelihood, you may have just given them even more reason to leave you.
I am not an overly religious soul and actually feel much more spiritual in my
nature as the years have rolled on. When deciding to write this book, it brought to mind something a friend passed on about adversity and of pains of the heart as we all cry out and wonder “why?”
‘To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, He’s not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.’
*I don’t know if any of this part makes sense folks. I know that the more I think about where I have been and the pain it causes in staying there, the more vital I know it is to reach up for true ‘life’ and love…grasp it again somewhere..someday and steam forward and live each day like it is your last. It may very well be. We don’t desevre to lie at the bottom when we, by our own acts and judgments, deserve so much better in life* Hugs, Robert
Hi All, just found this blog on a google search
Sarah, I can sympathize with you. My ex is a recovering addict. He stopped drinking years ago and I have been in Al Anon a while now.
Well about 2 months ago, I caught him cheating on me. I left him. It was heartbreaking. He shown little/no remorse. Said he was going to start his full recovery to figure out why he did this and wanted a chance for us in the future.
Now he’s the one who cheated on me and here I was going over to talk to him 3 weeks after I found out and cried, while he sat there with no emotion and said “You did the right thing by leaving, I would have left too”
Then there were a few txt. He said he needs this time to heal but also made a point to say while apart, there should be no restrictions. But also made it clear he was not seeing this girl he cheated on me with or anyone else.
I don’t believe it
I deleted him from FB but did see my friend kept him as a friend. I went to check (I know I shouldn’t have) and saw he added MANY new women to his friends, but the odd thing ,he kept all my pictures of me and him.
I stopped all contact and then 2 weeks ago sent him a txt asking how he was. He said he was having a really hard time and struggling.
A few more loving emails and telling me he loves me, and is trying to work on himself.
Then again last night, more emails about love. Then it hit me, I need to be NC because this is making me sick.
HE CHEATED ON ME and I should be pissed and not being nice to him.
He has me wrapped again. He always gets the control. Addicts tend to do this with their twisted thinking.
Then I told him today I was not going to contact him anymore. He wasn’t sure why and I told him I think he’s only BSing me and probably hooking up with other women and keeping me on the back burner. He denied it and said he doesn’t want NC but understands why I need it.
GOD, this is just crazy. I am 46 yrs old and him and I were together 6 1/2 yrs.
How to Iet this go?
He wants back only when HE’s healed. What about ME???!
Hey all,
Brokenwings, I am truly sorry for what you are going through right now. I know, actually we ALL know heart break. You’ve come to the right place, we are all here to help one another. From what you have said, it seems like you already KNOW that your ex is manipulative. I think that it’s really hard for you because your emotions are going wild, you’re hurt. Put your emotions on the side and think about what is good for YOU. Trust is important in a relationship, without it there’s really no relationship at all. Good for you that you are staying away from him, no contact is necessary. It gives you time and space to really think about YOURSELF, and what is GOOD FOR YOU. Go back and re-read everyone’s posts, there are some really helpful advice on how to keep your mind off of it. I will keep checking, I hope you have a nice day brokenwings.
i need some help, my ex just broke up with me about a week ago with no real reason and im taking it very hard. he wont even talk to me or respond to anything i say. i just dont understand how we could go from spending so much time together to him not even acknowledging i exsist. all i keep thinking is how i want him back when i know maybe that isnt the right thing but i really dont know what to do
Hi all,
I just had a gmail chat from my ex and don’t have a strong desire to respond, but live in fear of my phone, my email, etc. This technologization of life has just created more ways to be in touch, or out of touch, or scared of being reached out to if you don’t want it, etc etc.
With my situation, it’s been particularly loaded because the computer was out main way of being in contact as I live in NZ and he’s in Canada — you might think that the fact that he’s gone back to Canada would be a huge relief as it’s not likely we’ll run into each other, but I’m actually going back for Christmas this year and my friends live in the same city he does. I had hoped, initially, that I would be okay to see him when I return in a couple of weeks, but inside I know that’s not true. A month ago when we spoke on the phone and he was so resolute about it being over — I fell apart after having had a little stability (we’ve been split for about 2.5 months now).
I don’t know what upsets more, the thought that he doesn’t care at all, or that he does. I don’t want to know what he’s up to or how he’s doing. If really well, that will hurt, if badly that hurts too. How can this be a win situation? Same thing with even potentially seeing him at Christmas time what would feel worse, having him act coldly and distantly, or getting along well knowing it’s over and I’ll be back in NZ, building a new life here again?
How do you get over a five in a half year marriage. it hurt to even think about it we splite up on December 22,2010 and we got back together and we we’re trying to work it out but it’s not happening so how am i to handle it.
I am so sorry Diamond, all I can say is one day at a time and starting over on this process. Believe me – I think this is my 3rd time (I kept on going back to my ex – thinking he changed) and I believe this time it’s sinking in. It’s not easy, but it can be done. We are here for you….when you need to vent, come onto the site and talk about it – it really does help.
Hang in there…i know that is easier said then done.
hello all, I could just use some encouragement going through my break-up. About a week ago, my ex-girlfriend, who was living with my at the time wakes me up to say she’s leaving and she doesn’t love me anymore. The night before we fell asleep holding each other to our favorite movie and the past 3 years had gone off without a hitch, (baring a small quarrel here and there). But alas, she left, the thing that hurts the most is that although she denies it, my best friend’s brother has not spend a day apart from her, they were hanging out on a daily basis for the past couple months, i mentioned it bothered me, but nothing became of it. They both deny that anything is happening, but nobody wakes up at 5a.m. to give a friend a daily ride to and from work that lives 20 miles away, without expecting something in return. I’m 20 years old now and I’m aware there’s plenty of fish in the sea, but the problem is, I live alone, my parents only contact me by phone and my only friend is the brother of the person i suspect my ex left me for. I suppose what I’m trying to put across is, my only friend, has no transportation, and my ex is always at his house, every time I try to go pick him up, or try to hang out there, she answers the door, and my heart drops and i struggle not to cry. I spent over $3,000 traveling every semester to her college in Chicago when she was attending just to see her, and she invested her love equally, so it truly felt is was meant to be, i’m absolutely crushed, my heart feels like it’s been ripped out and shown to me, and my only friend in the world reminds me of the heartache. He has no phone and lives with his mom and BROTHER, so there’s no avoiding one of them when I go there to try to distract myself. Any advice would save my life, I’m really starting to lose my mind, and I don’t have any idea what to do.
Jared – hello…i don’t have much time, but I wanted to let you know that your not alone. All of our situations/stories might be different, but we all ended up with the same results.
There are some thougths that I would like to share, but I will have to do that later. I can hear you pain and I am so sorry – I also know when I’m hurting and I posted something on here….it always made me feel a little better when someone reached out to me. So, I’m reaching out to you, Jared.
Just know your not losing your mind – even if it feels like it. Remember this just happen to you. If you feel like crying – then cry and let it out. Also what helped me was reading the stories on this site. People tell you that your not alone, but we seem to think they don’t understand – what helped me was reading the stories on here. Some people have been married for 20, 30 or more years and have to start over. Or some people have to work with their ex. Some people have kids and still have to deal with the ex. Do you see where I am coming from? Don’t get me wrong – your pain is just as important. Sometimes, when my pain seems so much and I read the other stories – i wonder if I was in their shoes if how or could I handle something like that. I hope this helps you until I can get back on here later, friend.
hello everyone, this is a really nice thing on here to be able to vent and share your experiences i think it is the best thing for releasing my mind. I have a freshly broken heart. Today is day #2, and its so hard. I made the mistake of trusting my heart with a man i thought i could help and change, you cant change people ive realized especially when they are a 34 year old man who has never had a relationship last more than a year since he was 23. Last year i was in the process for the Boston Police Academy and working in a deli. I was running and getting in shape, and he had great respect since i was following in the footsteps of my father who was killed in the line of duty as a Boston cop when i was five. I always a little bit of a crush on my manager for a while he is 11 years my senior. Everyone knew he had a drinking problem that we worked with, and i looked past it because i thought he was a good person with just a lot of bad in his past. Mind you he is a 34 yr old man never been married no kids. He even looked really young (i guess that happens when you have no responsibility) basically we started dating i didnt expect it but we got so close and had those all night heart to heart convos and i fell hard. I’m 23 years old and this was my first real relationship. And i was a virgin that long until he came around. We were good together i thought we had our fights usually about the same old stuff and always when he was drunk. i moved in with him after a few months when i was bypassed from the academy (which was a big setback) i had left the job where he was a manager in order to protect his job since dating your manager is not looked at as a professional thing. His problems were big ones. First of all the alcoholism, second he had a weird things where he never wanted to go out ANYWHERE. we NEVER went out ever it was very abnormal. it was always sit home listen to music and drink beer. I put up with it and let it slide because i loved and cared about him and wanted to just be with him. Basically it just started getting old i guess… i still love him so much and am worried about him and his drinking. I cant stop thinking about him and its only day 2 but its annoying the hell out of me. im just focusing on everything that has nothing to do with him, and i hope im doing the right thing. I cant stop thinking about what he’s doing, but i know exactly what he’s doing. Right now he got home a little bit ago and hes sitting on the couch with a heinekin… the only thing he drinks.. and listening to music. And what hurts the most. Is i’m worrying more about him feeling sad than how i feel (why is that?) it hurts me knowing he’s sitting there alone. He has no one not many friends, the few who dont come around because of his drinking and this stay at home habit he has. Its just nice to be able to share this all with everyone. A Broken heart is one the hardest things, its a grieving like when someone dies and i can’t wait for mine to heal.
So .this is a an update to post i made back in august 2008.
My (ex)husband actually ended up snooping through all of my online profiles,emails, my laptop etc. then he got reallllllyyy mad and upset at me for having a recent email from adrian ( my old flame) and then told me that I couldn’t be friends with adrian. Even though I had explained to him that adrian and I made up so if we ran into each other it wouldn’t cause any panic attacks or awkwardness( due to us both being similar science majors at a small community college ,where the science and math bulding is the same one)
I was uber pissed at Michael for snooping and the snooping in everything then telling me about it and expecting a treat for finding ” dirt”, was the straw that actually broke the camels back.
There were a bunch of issues going on between us already that were not getting fixed despite my efforts and frustrations.
SO ..I split up with my husband.I left him just before Halloween , October 09
For the next year Adrian and I became friends again and we became really close. again…We tried to stay just friends( (but we ended up having a couple ” slips or episodes” of expressing how we really felt about each other).
From December 2009 to November 2010 , off and on him and I dated other people.
and in that time both of us came to realize that who we wanted , was each other.
And in that time we became really close,we had gone past the realm of friendship but not quite into the realm of a relationship.
And then one night in mid october, he had a nightmare of me dying or something, and it shook him up alot. He called me at about midnight, he sounded so freaked and shaken that i was on my way in a flash.
He said that he had a nightmare of me passing away and then woke up ” to another nightmare” of me not being by his side.
That was one of the main turning points that caused him to realize that he had been trying not to notice me( romantically) for so long , because he didn’t want to hurt me again, that he didn’t notice that he cared so much for me.
Fast forward to now. Adrian and I have been together for 2 and a half months.
I know 2 and a half months isnt very long,but its a wonderful start.
Hes actually putting forth effort this round ,and hes grown up alot these past couple years, and Im looking forward to a future with him.
I am about to break up with a man that I have been dating exclusively for almost 1 1/2 years, he has told me that he does not feel the same way about me when I told him that I loved him, and has told me that he is unwilling to let down his guard with me and get close to me, due to being hurt in the past and having financial pressures/debt currently. We do not live close together and only see each other once per week, though I have always felt close to him and love him dearly. I am anticipating having a very hard time letting him go and getting over this loss.
Hi,
I split up with my long distance boyfriend last month as finding it harder as time goes on. I feel empty, lost and alone without him. My life has no meaning without him. Even though it was a long distance relationship and we only physically seen each other every 6-8 weeks, I miss our daily chats and text messages, but most of all I miss him. I still love him dearly and I know he loves me too but we can’t be together as neither of us can move home to live in another country. We have no other option but to part ways. I have gone through heartbreak before, but I’m 32 now and never thought it would happen again. We have decided to stop contact but it doesn’t stop me checking my phone/email account/facebook to see if he has contacted me. I wake up crying and go to sleep crying. My head is all over the place and I keep thinking about him moving on to be with someone else…it breaks my heart. How do you heal a broken heart when the only issue of your break up is distance
Hi
I have read all the posts and can relate to many of them, I have had a recent break up and although I am feeling a lot of pain I am finally realising the pain I caused to my ex. I spent 10 yrs not telling my ex I loved him, when he told me he loved me because I was angry or kicked him out on a weekly basis. My ex was in addiction for a long period of our relationship and has been in rehab for 5 months with about 6 months left (during this 5 months I have told him I want a break refused to tell him I loved him out of pride and then tried to take it back because I was no longer hurting), I was always hurt and angry because of the pain i felt both financially and emotionally during this time I forgot to treat my ex as a human with feelings, long story short he had to harden his heart and although loves me is no longer in love with me (his words) I am devestated that he is no longer in love with me and kicking myself but totally understand where he is coming from. Will the hurt heal no because we have two children together and will have to communicate and have contact for their sake, my pain may ease but the pain I inflicted I will feel for ever. I have got something out of the break-up the ability to now appreciate others feeling and acknowledge they have feelings too. I am hurt, angry and mortified by the relationship break down but know this will not only make me stronger but hopefully happier in my next relationship. There is times where I get mixed messages like I don’t know how I will feel in 6 months or i don’t know what I want I am confused, but then my hurt and anger starts again,with feelings like am I still a safe place someone who can support him emotionally (not very good though) and financially, I feel like I am being used and don’t know what to do because I inflicted a lot of pain on him and wonder if I should be giving him time.As you can all see there is a lot I need to vent and work on as you will see by reading my eratic post, I have found this site very useful and found strength and answers to things like no contact and thinking with your head not heart but I hope to find some clarity as to what to do.
My ex has been working for my brothers for 6 years so i’ve known him a long time. He was going out with his last girlfriend for 9 years and it was a very abusive relationship as she was an alcoholic and his stories were horrific. He eventually left her and moved away.
Long story short we hooked up and it was great. We knew each other for so long and there always was flirting and the odd kiss in the past at staff nights out so we were very comfortable with each other.We had a great time going to parties and family events and were so comfortable with each other, it was so easy to be together, we just fit.
Well a week and a half ago he was heading home to his fathers place for the night and he left me with a big kiss and said he’d be back for work the next day. But then there was no sign of him coming back the next day and he wasn’t answering my calls or texts.
3 days later I got a call saying he couldn’t see me anymore, the worse thing was that his ex was screaming at him in the background saying ‘Tell her why! Go on, tell her why!’ while i was still on the phone. They then proceeded to have an arguement while i was still listening and then he hung up.
I haven’t heard a thing from him since then, he hasn’t turned up for workand has left my brothers in the lurch, he has changed his phone number so not even my brothers can get in contact with him, he was staying in my brother’s appartment and we don’t even know has he moved out or not but he hasn’t been seen.
Today i remembered that he was always on facebook so i checked his wall and there he was! Talking about his new car that he just bought, calling it his new baby and loads of pictures of the car! How can someone just walk out of one life and straight into another with no concequences for their actions?
I didn’t leave a messeage for him ‘cos i’m sick to my stomach about what he did to me and my family and wouldn’t give him the sadisfaction of seen how upset I am. My brothers are also in a state of shock as they worked literally side by side with him for the past 6 years and were good friends and always included him in all family occassions.
I’m so hurt and feel cheap not too mention stupid for falling for a guy whom obviously felt so little for me or my brothers that he could turn his back on us and go back to his ex and break all conection with us.
People say he’ll be back, but i really believe he won’t. He seemed so happy on his facebook page as if he didn’t have a care in the world and here I am feeling like someone has stuck a sharp knife in my belly and is twisting it. Doesn’t look like i’m going to get the chance for closure as he’s too much of a coward. Thanks for listening, it feels go just to have a rant with people who understand betrayal.
I understand how you all feel, but let me tell you this, the best way is to cut all contact, irrespective of how hard it gets on you. When I endured a breakup a few weeks ago, the first few days were spent in trying to communicate with him and try to get him to tell me why we broke up. He had ended it on a greeting card and had never bothered to explain why, and he hasn’t to this date. I got a few responses to all my messages, saying he has been busy and he will let me know when we can talk and what not. The time when I truly broke down, which was about a week after the breakup, I left him a long email explaining to him how he made me suffer because of the lack of answers and not giving me the opportunity to even talk it out. It was the longest email I had ever written, but somehow he sent me a few messages days later telling me he had been super busy with work and stuff. Short and to the point. He did not even bother asking how I was or that he missed me or anything. That was my final straw. I vowed to myself I will end it completely and cut off all contact with him, and it has been a week, and I have done so successfully. Yes, there are days when it gets impossible, it hurts, and I am breaking from inside and let my tears flow, but not once did I message him, even though my hands were struggling from trying to reach out to him. But I am my own boss, and I love myself over everyone else. I do not hate him, because as much as we try, we cannot hate someone we once loved, no matter how it ended. I will be friends with him one day, yes, coz he had said that was what he wanted. But I won’t for several years, not untill his existence makes no difference to me anymore. Believe me, when you cut off all contact, you heal yourself a little everyday. Yes, somedays it will kick you hard on your stomach out of nowhere, but hold on to your decision, stubbornly. One day you will be happy you did. I know I am, already.
I read everything and I can somehow relate to everyone on this page. I have recently broken up with my ex. the story behind it my ex broke up with me because he felt the sudden old crush he had fro my bff came back. and the thing is, my bff started being very close with him and started comforting him after our break up. i tried all my best to approach him. I even took a taxi to his house while skipping all my classes for the day (i’m a college student). And the outcome of it.. he pushed me with anger and left me a really big bruise on my wrist. he called me desperate and selfish, etc. But I don’t think i’m desperate, it’s just that i believe our love is stronger and it’s just a stupid fight. he has anger problems and wouldn’t listen. he already said he moved on.. and only wanted to be friends. how can i be friends with him when he is like my bff and my other half. and the only reason he moved on is because he found a new target… my bff. my bff knew about this and i cried to her but she constantly kept in close contact with him knowing how much it hurts me. i knew i have to move on… but i feel like I’m going mentally insane. I cry almost every night and it’s been almost two months since our break up. why do I cry so much for someone who hurted me so badly, who blamed the break up on me, who cursed me, who physically tried to hurt me? I don’t know. I need to move on… but im too scared to move on. im scared i won’t be able to find someone who will love me like he did… im scared someone will replace me.
Well i just spend a whole afternoon reading these responses and in the end i cant help but be amazed at all the wonderful and caring people out there that are in so much pain. It is truly a sad thing to see, but also comforting to know that i am not alone.
For all of us, the sense of loneliness can be an overwhelming sensation. But if this site provies nothing else, it is that we are not alone. And being single does not show you to be less desirable.
My ex (still feels weird to call her that) and i broke up about 3 months ago officially. However stayed in close contact for another 2 months, before deciding to cut contact a month ago. I live in Australia, she in the US. I met her while studying overseas and we managed to have a 1.5 year long relationship. 6 months of which was long distance. Distance amongst other issues were the reason for our split, and to be honest, the relationship was dysfunction and destructive. We also had trust issues to top it all off. To those of you reading this, i bet you’re thinking its a no-brainer. End it and move on.
Even though i knew it was a relationship with no future, i still held on and loved her with all my heart. I did anything for her, flying her around the world and paying for everything so that we could be together. And yet, having known that i gave all i could, i find it so difficult to let you and put our love to rest. There were many times that i saw our future together and thought it could be a happy one. And the realisation that its over, is something very hard to accept.
I find myself going through the cliche’ mental steps, denial, anger, acceptance, inner peace etc. But i am stumped at the anger progression which is where im at now. I want to hate her sometimes, i really do. But for unknown reasons i talk myself out of it. I see the love i still have for her and the kindness for each other. I am trying to let my mind take its necessary steps in order to reach that inner peace i so sorely desire. This may mean that i hate her for a few months, so be it. If that means i can one day come to a point where im comfortable to love her and let her go forever. Ultimately that is where i want to be. I believe it is a shame to replace love with hatred indefinitely.
I was doing so well up until about 2 days ago. Then the inevitable wave hit me and knocked me over and i found myself yearning for her touch once more. But i will stay strong and persevere, it has almost been a month since we last spoke. I am concerned however that she will call me on my birthday in a week. I am yet to know how i will handle this.
I want to finish by saying that everyone on this website should be proud of themselves for having the guts to share their feeling and the amount of inner strength you all possess is limitless to even yourselves.
Stay strong everyone and stay true to yourselves. Happiness is a destination we will all reach, eventually =)
hey everyone,
newbie here, but in the same old boat as the rest of you. came across this site while searching for ways to go cold turkey and so glad i found it. feels like i’ve found some kindred souls who are going the same pain and sadness as me, and strangely that makes me feel a little better, knowing that im not alone.
i can truly relate to each and every one of your feelings…especially what someone wrote about wanting to feel so numb that they be in a coma…just want the pain in my chest to go away…just want to stop hurting for a little while. how is it possible that someone who claims or claimED to love you, can make you feel soooo bad that you would rather be in a coma than alive??!! yet they seem to feel almost nothing themselves. makes me so angry that one person can have so much power to be able to do this to anothe, to hurt that soul who only ever loved them.
this is probably the most helpful thing that Google has done for me,finding this site. I have been in a relationship for for almost five years, since i was 18, with my ex boyfriend. He broke up with me originally in march. he didn’t contact me for about 3 weeks at first then he started again via text. It was another 2 months or so till we started sleeping with each other until another fight. then the second time came around where we started seeing each other secretly (which never works out) now my heart is broken again so i tried to end things myself this time and leave him on the curb crying for once. Yet here i am tonight feeling more alone and reminded of him more than ever. i feel not myself. i feel ashamed. i feel just downright shitty. and here i am texting him wondering if he feels the same i thought he did but i am more than likely wrong. i’ve tried to numb myself up with alcohol and its just not working nothing is and i really do feel hopeless
I have read all your posting and honestly I feel soo much better as I was dumped last week. This break up has really taken it’s tall on me and upon finding this site I have felt so much better. My ex dumped me cause of a number of reasons I don’t even understand myself, we have a baby together and our baby is only 10months old and I was there for them from the word go. Our relationship was never the smoothest cause I wanted her to assist me financially by atleast making an effort to get a job as she didn’t have any interest of working or assisting me. I offered to take her to college for a year to alteast do a certificate in banking so that she can have something to fall back on in life. To cut the long story short, she never liked that idea but i felt I should atleast convince her to do it. A few days past and we had a liitle misunderstanding and suddendly she dumped me by sms and she told me how I make her feel so useless. I have never said awful things to her nor degrade her but I just wanted us to have a decent family with enough income to keep us going as i loved this women. We had a baby early in our relationship ( 3months dating) and i never got the chance to get to know her interests and what she wants in life and if anyone thinks I stayed in the relationship cause of the baby i will say to you that is not the case. I love her but I have this sudden anger towards her and I have decided to implement the NC principle even though at times it really hurts me as I don’t get to see my baby and to find out what i need to buy for the baby. I am not planning to get back together with her but I have my baby’s interests at heart. This berak up has really affeceted me but i have told myself that if she is the one who initiated the break up then I cannot force myself to asking her for another chance as she has broken up with me twice the last time. thankyou guys for taking time to read my piece and all I can say to y’all is that God will never give you the baggage that you can carry. This too shall pass and by the way we are not in this world permanently as we are living on borrowed time. Y’all stay strong and keep the faith…………. love is a very sensative thing but we all have to go through
i am really sad, waking up at night and always thinking at work… we were together for two years nine months of which living together.. suddenly we had a rough and she decided to stop.. we normally get back together again.. there is many factors why, but i know i can make things work, if shed give me the chance.. i know we could be good.. i feel like i wasnt good enough or am not good enough for her… im in so much pain, friends i dont not have alot anymore.. i am very lonely and i cannot feel the happines with others as i used to do with my ex, i really dont know what to do.. i wish this pain can go away.. its been three weeks now.. thanks for your support!! i really need it
So here I am blasting my personal life on the web… I am not a kid and left a 6 year relationship for a “better” man. We were desperately in love. After a tumultuous almost 3 years he left me…high and dry with our bills piling up and a new car payment that I will never be able to afford on my own.
At first I just tried to get him to come back. Crying and making a complete a** of myself. He has done this to me before and we supposedly worked it out. We got engaged Christmas morning. I was so happy. So in love. Now it is over. What can I do?
This man is and has been my everything and I am so lost without him that I can barely function. I’m the most lonely at night. I always said laying down next to him was “the best part of the day”.
The truth is, he hasn’t been treating me very well at all. On the surface he is a rough exterior with an Alpha male persona. But truth be told, he is not that way at all. It is a front that he puts on. When he lets it down (which is rare) he has the most beautiful soul! I am desperately in love with this man and am not able to let it go. I try so hard to hate him.
Distractions are only temporary, because sleeping here in this big house all alone is in killing me. I truly feel as if someone has died… even worse, I am afraid to see him without the love in his eyes. The tears won’t stop. The loneliness is devastating. I just want him to come home and say he will fix this and make things right… But I know he won’t. Hopelessness is nothing compared to what I am feeling. I just can’t make sense of this. Just a few days ago he bought me flowers (rare for him) and told me he loved me. The flowers are still on my dining room table. Breaking my heart. The confusion I feel is unreal.
He was here earlier to pick some things up. My emotions are out of control running from “please come home I need you in my life” to “you’re a piece of s to do this to me”.
This is only the 3rd day so maybe it gets better… but I don’t see how. I truly am lost.
J….all sounds familiar to me. My husband who I only married last year left me about 2 weeks ago. At first, I was feeling okay..because I was so mad at him for dragging me through the mud prior to our break up while he took his time deciding whether or not he wanted to be with me. Even my counsellor thought I was handling things okay and had accepted things. Than..it hit me…he says there’s still ‘a glimmer of hope’ and I’ve been holding onto that. I’ve slept with him too since he said this and now i’m feeling very torn. He wants time to himself to find himself and says he has to risk loosing me to get that. He’s lost and I’m lost too, left feeling shattered.
One minute, I feel optimistic for the future and the next minute, i’ll be driving along and start crying.
I feel for everyone out there who is feeling this pain, it is honestly the hardest thing I have ever had to go through but it is nice to know that there are other people out there who are going through the same thing. I mean, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but it’s nice to relate to others.
My future love.
Today is my first day of reclaiming my self from her.
It’s hits me in waves of hevy emotional distress and gut wrenching sadness.
Even though I am needing to do this, it still will not take away the overwhelming
thoughts that lead me to tears.
I see her in everything , in all things that remind me of our past times spent sharing
a life together.
Like all other beautifull people in this world who share my same dificulties, time can
not move quickly enough, and the removal of all hope to reconcile, seems to damage
the heart even deeper.
Being strong in the weekest of times is a unforseen delema, a delema because of the
contiunual obstructions of gray clouds that linger in all the steps your tryingto take.
I can not say it willget better at this time, for I am at another level than better. However, I do have hope, hope that out there my real true love is writing and going threw the same storm, and once we have both healed and the clouds remove theselves from within our souls , we shall meet under sunny skys.
Richard Weaver.
Hello everyone….I recently broke up with my boyfriend for just over a year. And I must say I miss him like crazy, because I must admit I love him. He choose to move back to and basically told me that he wasn’t happy here and he had to do what’s best for jim and his boys. Our kids were great together we were great together. I just keep replaying over in my head why me again. Why should I take my son thru this mess. Is it worth it? Did he love me? Does he miss me? He attempted I guess to contact me thru email a couple days back…what for I don’t know….as if nothing had happened….I thought no I would have never given him up…I would have been there thru thick and thin. He doesn’t deserve me, I was there when other people weren’t I was there. So to get over him I deleted all the ways known to man….fb, messenger, removed pic,text..etc
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