Are you as sad as our pooch?
From 35 emails, 18 texts, 9 calls, 5 voicemails and daily visits to NOTHING? Is that what we’re asking you to do – cut off all contact with your ex? It’s actually not sad, because the thought of not seeing or speaking to your ex is so painful that it almost seems like a joke. Yet, no one is laughing. You know what else isn’t funny? Refreshing your email 100 times a day and checking every other man made mobile device waiting for a beacon of hope. It’s exhausting. Well, it’s time to make a change. You can stop contacting your ex and start healing. You can. You will. We will help.
First, let’s look at the problem. You can last a few days with no contact riding off some anger and the encouragement of friends, but then it happens. You are alone with your blackberry, watching tv and you see a commercial you both loved…
You stare at your phone and the most urgent reason to call him manifests: I still have his favorite socks. I wouldn’t want him going to the gym and run on the treadmill without socks. I think I heard on Good Morning America that running sockless is linked to a toe infection epidemic. Yes, that’s right, that’s what they said. This is definitely an emergency. I should definitely call him.
Others decide it’s time to will the phone to ring or vibe with a new text. Yes, I will stare at the phone and use my telepathic powers to make her contact me. Wait! Maybe there is something wrong with the phone. I should make an outgoing call to make sure. Oh, okay, it works. Wait! In the three seconds I was dialing, maybe she called and got thrown into voicemail and thought I ignored her call. Okay, I should definitely call her.
If you want to contact your ex, you will find a reason. Likewise, if they want to contact you, no reason in the world would keep it from happening. It is up to you to cut the contact. Does it make you feel better to get a message from your ex? Sure. Does it get you through the night to send a little text and hear something back? Perhaps. However, in the end, you don’t get what you want from them and the contact makes you feel worse. Your greater goal is to get over this heartache and contact is not moving you towards this goal. Every contact is just delaying the healing process.
Here are 8 Ways to Help you go Cold Turkey!
1. Take Care of Business – Get a box and pack up keys, clothes, kids (ok, not the kids), but all other items he or she will want back. Ship them to your ex.
2. Identify your Weak Points - When do you want to call or contact the person most? Think about it. Ready? Ok, write it down. Now be conscious of your weak points and when you hit one, use #3 to combat your temptation to make contact.
3. Create an Arsenal of Distractions – Make a list of things that you can do instead of contacting your ex. (i.e. Calling a friend, going outside, taking a shower etc.) Use these when something in #2 creeps up.
4. Find your 3 Doosies – Write down your three biggest reasons for not contacting your ex. One might be because I always feel worse after I hang up the phone. Put them on post-its and stick them next to every electronic device you have.
5. Quit Online Stalking – Make it stop. Delete your ex from Facebook, Twitter, Gchat etc. Develop new online habits.
6. Fancy Not Meeting You Here – Don’t frequent the places you used to frequent together. This one is kind of a Duh! If you are intentionally going to places you think you will run into your ex, stick one of the post-its from #4 on your head.
7. Back away from the Blackberry – Put the phone in another room at night. When you are out having a drink, hand the phone to your friends to reduce temptation. Vow to only check it 1-2x per day.
8. At a Minimum, Try the Lite Recovery Plan – If this is too much to bear, we get it. This is the slower route, but it will eventually get you into the fast track. Try cutting out one form of communication per week. First calls, then emails, then texts, you get the picture.
Need more help healing from a broken heart? Try Amelie’s scientifically supported Step to Heal program – check it out here.
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All of these steps make sense to me now, but when I get the strong urge to contact him – seems like nothing helps. I can’t focus on anything else and the urge gets worse. I know what will happen if I do contact him and even play it out in my head…..but, it doesn’t stop those feelings. Its so draining and I am tired of it.
Hey there ‘tryingtoheal’… I was in a three year relationship, one in which we moved in together and then had a falling out and felt it best to break the live-in thing. BUT…we worked through many a thing and at least in my eyes, I felt that we had turned a significant corner and seemed to be getting along incredibly well. She had many stressors hit her all at once and suddenly OUR relationship moved back under a microscope. It has hit me hard (2 months now not seeing each other…sporadic email/text contacts and now nada…very painful) and like you, I remain deeply pained and ‘stuck’ I guess. I DO feel your pain and am trying hard to hit the gym, write (a love..published writer) and do things to take the ‘brain off the pain’. I concur with your thoughts. Robert
What do I do when I have his kid. Do I have to have contact with him? I don’t want to but eventually I suppose he will try to see our son
Hello again… Not sure if ‘tryingtoheal’ is still here but trust me…I feel ALL that you spoke of. I actually spoke to my ex g/f over the holidays and just the sound of her voice took me back again. I am a lot less pained than I was but just a simple sound of a voice CAN and DOES hurtle you back a few strides. She REALLY hurt me when she coldly walked away and left me numb and cold. I am NOT going to put my heart out there again…not worth it. Hey ‘bcrsg’…I think in your situation you have no choice but to remain in some kind of civil contact. BUT with that said, keep your contacts non-personal and business like no matter how much it hurts. That way YOU stay in control and cannot be hurt twice. This is so hard but time does heal some of the wounds..not all as the saying goes but most. Robert
Hi, Robert! Thank-you for your advice/support. How are you doing? I’m doing better, but I still have a bad day that comes up every once in awhile.
we were supposed to work things out, and then i found out he just asked his ex for a date…so i decided to end everything….it was hard for me to say goodbye but i had to…now i want to take it back. it really hurts…this just happened about 3 hours ago. why do i feel horrible?
Hey ‘Tryingtoheal’ …It’s funny you ask but just before work today on my drive in, and before that while having coffee ‘D’ (my ex/g-f) arose in my head. She was very deep within and all of a sudden I was washed over in this intense pain. When in a long term relationship, we all become accustomed to each other’s routines…rituals etc. Well I knew that she was out the door at six and before she left every morn, we would sit and talk and share a cup of coffee and kiss goodbye…start our day. The images for me were vivid and somewhat troubling. ‘D’ had been hurt in her past before and I always did my best to walk her through tough times when she relapsed back and recalled a past best forgotten. I can’t say ‘why’ I have been relapsing lately but I have. I do a lot of writing on the side and have been published a couple times. I have done my best to write and cleanse a little but sometimes there ARE deep rooted pains that are very difficult to ferret out. I find writing to be very medicinal and recently decided to write a piece called the ‘Unsent Letter.’ In it I exorcised demons of sorts from our relationship and on the advice of a counselor, I got ‘angry’ and said the things that REALLY bothered me about the way I was dumped, excluded from her life, and quite frankly…cast aside…rejected. I spoke of losses of self esteem, personal dignity..all! It was very helpful trust me but let’s face it, when we REALLY ‘love’ someone…not a ‘lust’ thing or born from mere infatuation etc., it takes a LONG while to STOP loving them…yes? (*I work in the behavioral field in law enforcement and sometimes I think too much for my own good*)
‘Miracle’…. You feel horrible because you let yourself down and felt humiliated. If he went so far as to ask his ex out for a date, trust me he has been harboring those thoughts for more than a while. Step wayyyyyyyy back and recoil and REALLY look at things for what they are. If you put yourself out there and become his doormat, you will allow him to step back into your life as if nothing happened. Equate it to scratching at a scab because it itches but you know that each time, by doing so it will NEVER heal. Treat your heart the same way ‘Miracle’. Let it and him go and inch by inch you will find levels of personal happiness. Robert
Hello, Robert…I am sorry to hear the pain you was feeling this morning. How long ago did the relationship end? You know, I tried to write down my feelings. Thinking this would help me, but I would end up writing about the anger inside. Then I ended up more ticked about everything that happen. So, I had to stop doing that for awhile. Then I started to go for walks, which turned into running til I couldn’t breathe. I was tired of feeling this pain my “ex” caused me, I wanted to feel a different type of pain. One that I had control over, not from my “ex”.
My “ex” like bass fishing…tonight I was out with some of my friends at a restaurant. While they were talking, I was looking around at the walls. They had all sort of animals mounted on them – the one in front of me was a big bass. My friends were still talking, but everything drowned out once I seen that. My heart start to ache for him. (Dang him for doing this to me.) So, I guess my point is – doesn’t matter why or what makes us relapse. We just have to work thru it and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. One day at a time….we will have bad ones and then we will have days that we can handle it a little better.
I like what you said about when you REALLY love someone – “it takes a LONG while to STOP loving them…..so, true!
You do a lot of writing on side, what have you had published?
“Miracle” – hang in there…all of this is new to you, that is why it hurts so bad. I agree with Robert’s advice.
it’s not really new. we’ve broken up 3 times in 2 years that we’ve been together, he said we will work things out but then at the same time he has girls on the side. he said he loves me and that he can’t live without me and i feel the same way towards him as well. he is my first love and i am certain that he is the one for me, but right now it hurts so much. i said goodbye but i want to take it back so bad. i just want to be with him…i would sell my soul to the devil if i have to…he is my life….i just dont know if i can survive this.
Hey ‘Trying’ and I am gathering ‘Miracle’ is still here as well. ‘Trying’…never got your first name? Our relationship ended in mid-September and recovery internally has been very slow…often times at a snail’s pace. I ‘hate’ the premise of ‘time heals all wounds’ and recently wrote what I called an ‘Unsent Letter,’ which many of the alleged experts recommend to do rather than mailing/emailing something to an ex. I am pasting right below this paragraph, most of what I wrote. I hope I don’t bore anyone to tears but I think it touches on what we all think about;
“They say that time heals all wounds but all it’s done so far is give me more time to think about how much I miss you.” ~Elizabeth Wilder~
“If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.” ~Attributed to Claudia Ghandi~
These two expressions above say it all from my perspective. I really wish I could say that the passage of time has healed my heart but I cannot. I sat here today writing alone on Valentine’s Day, a day when couples normally share togetherness. All that I can think about is how very much I ‘miss’ everything that was ever simple and easy about you…us for that matter when enjoying time spent. I just always felt I ‘got you’ and never thought we would actually be where we are…that pieces could be put back together. I believe that is why I always said I wanted to be “your last man.” I know that you cannot possibly fathom what I feel because you were the one who ended the relationship, and your emotions were clearly not the same as mine. I guess in many ways a great deal of what I write here is my ‘angry’ letter because quite frankly, the loss of ‘us’ has penetrated the deepest parts of my tired heart and soul. Sometimes I can barely sleep or wake up energized at all because of how I feel. I have been thinking…even recently writing about how some people come into our lives sometimes, yet they have no real, discernible impact in our world. With you D’Mia, I have struggles too, yet they come from the footprints within my heart and soul from time shared with YOU. I have honestly never felt whole again outside of your presence. I feel I am moving each day at a snail’s pace because accepting that I ‘lost you’ feels so very cold and foreign. I believe you underestimated me when I said over and over I would “do anything” to regain your trust and find a common path for us. That “anything” was all-inclusive and sincere. The statement above about “time and the healing of all wounds” has always grated my ass for a lifetime. I believe you heal out of a sense of acquiescence that you must do what you must do to simply feel better and all the while, accepting the fact that the premise is not graceful. That type of prose to me is stale and lacks human compassion.
It is said that the second most intense life stressor is a loss of love. The first is death, but I question this now. Both are final. Both, in most cases, result in the physical removal of someone special from your life. I can use my own parent’s deaths as examples when I was very young. Both results in the loss of a way of life we became familiar with. Both have occasions when things you sought to say were never said. With death, you have the peace of knowing you were in your lost loved one’s heart. You were not abandoned purposely, cast aside, or rejected. With death you can take off work and get sympathy. You are given gifts of comfort and understanding. You can go through closing rituals and feel contentment that a loved one is now in a better place.
With breakups, separation, or divorce, even though you have the assurance that one you deeply cared for is still alive somewhere on this Earth, their love was still intentionally withdrawn from you. If one chooses to end a relationship, the one left behind painfully realizes that one you loved opted to leave you. We no longer have their presence, nor their care. It is abundantly clear they no longer want you. Either way, death or breakup, you have little say or control over either situation.
I’ve often wondered if I could have dealt with this loss easier if you had been taken away from me at God’s will while you still loved me, instead of this intentional, direct withdrawal of love on your own volition. I think in many ways my own personal grief would have been less self-destructive and more accepted…socially supported. In my life I have been through both the death of beloved family members, and now the physical and emotional withdrawal of a loved one in losing you. I have to say in my life experiences, grief over breakup, separation, or divorce can be equally as devastating, if not more, than grief over the death of a loved one. In death you lose your loved one’s physical presence in both your present time and your future.
In the loss through breakup, we haven’t just lost one’s physical presence in our lives. We excruciatingly suffer over the loss of their love as well. We experience grief over the loss of their mental, emotional, and spiritual presence too. That doesn’t even address the separate, agonizing losses of our own senses of value and self-worth, our pride, ego, dreams, hopes, internal senses of security, and most of all our feelings of simply being loved. Without a shadow of a doubt, you feel rejected, not good enough, not loveable, unwanted, and cast aside. You feel as one taken for granted and unappreciated for all you have done, and every ounce of support offered. I went from being what I thought was a vital cog in your life to being nothing at all. I was basically shown the door with a mere wave of your hand.
But what kind of people would we be if we didn’t pause in all of this and grieve? Doesn’t our grief stem from our having been loving, devoted, caring, committed, and involved in each other’s lives? Am I the type of person that is so cold, callous, lacking emotion, and self-centered that I could simply dismiss this breakup and walk away unbothered…unscathed? Assuredly that is not me.
*Rather ironic…was thinking the other day (probably too damn much for my own good right?) how odd it is to grasp one concept that “time heals a broken heart,” when weighed against another divergent one that “true love never dies.” All I know over all this time is how much it sucks to be standing here at this very moment with an inability to do anything about it*
Soooooo ‘Trying’ and ‘Miracle’ perhaps you can relate to the ‘unsent letter’ as well. I believe it DOES help to be ‘angry’ and let it out…has a way to cleanse the heart and soul a little. And ‘Miracle’…NEVER EVER compromise your personal dignity and self resepct. You should not “sell your soul to the devil” or believe that a first ‘love’ (one especially where he plays this push..pull game with you…screws around on the side) is a ‘last’ love. To be perfectly honest, I would rather be alone and grieve my loss for a time and strengthen slowly each day then to lay myself out there for someone who will not love me unconditionally in return. WE all deserve reciprocity in our lives. When someone doesn’t appreciate our worth to them…let them find their own sense of serenity and comfort…with someone else! Robert *’Trying’….I can speak about my other writings and share passages with you if you wish. Pop a note to me at robtom89 at the famous ‘Y’ mail site if you wish. Take care and keep your chins up…find the sun through the clouds. R
Hello, Robert – wow! What you wrote, is exactly what I am feeling. I am glad to have found this site. To meet people who truly understand the pain one is going through. By the way, I sent you an e-mail….I hope you got it.
)
Miracle – you say this is your first love and your certain that he is the one for you. I too felt that one about my first love. It’s funny, I seen him last night and mind you – I was crazy for this guy! (You know, can’t wait to see or talk to him and always wanted to be with him and did what I could to be there. Get butterflies when you see that person and all anxious. He makes you feel like your the only one for him and there will be no other. You think that feeling will never end. Right?) Well, like I said he was my first love, but he wasn’t my only one. (He isn’t the reason why I am on this site.) Anyways, to my point – I seen him and you know what, those feelings I felt before, were no longer there for him. Actually, I didn’t even want to talk to him, so, I walked the other way. As a matter of fact, when I seen him – I thought what in the world were you thinking, girl! LOL! (He thought he was a ladies man – notice I said “thought”….I know he has a lot of kids now and has been married a couple of times.) He didn’t amount to anything – he was all talk. I was so blessed that he ended the relationship. I say that NOW, cause I see everything so clearly…but when it all happen at first – it hurt like hell.
Let me ask you something – you say that you love this guy. So, what he has done to you – is that how you would treat the one you love? I don’t think you would. When you love someone, you go out of your way to make sure you DON’T do anything to hurt them. Right now, your scared and you will do anything to hold on to him. You don’t deserve that, Miracle – you are worth so much more then that. He is being selfish – he wants his cake and eat it too and that isn’t fair to you. (If he would come back to you – could you trust him? Or would you be worried and wondering what he was doing or who he was with?) That’s not living and if he was a real man – he would leave you alone – so you can find someone who deserves you and you of them.
Miracle – it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you WILL find someone who deserves your love. Right now, you just have to take it one day at a time. You will survive – some days may be harder then others, but you will make it.
Hey again ‘Trying’ and yes…loved receiving your notes and responded back this a.m. ‘Miracle’…..what ‘Trying’ has said, with words that are true and right on target, is absolutely TRUE! We found our way to this site because we researched the ‘why’s’ of a broken heart and wondered if what we felt was normal. Every emotion we experience after a breakup (especially one where WE are the dumpees) is raw and extremely painful. It carries with it so many losses that we lose track. WE feel unloved, unwanted, ugly and our self esteem absolutely plummets. What ‘Trying’ said is so true at the end. The critical element of ‘trust’ that your alleged boyfriend violated would ALWAYS hover within your mind. Even if you became involved with him again, he would eventually want that cake on the side and away he goes again and you would be dragged back twenty steps from where you are now. ‘Trying’…. you give amazing advice, in spite of your own personal pains and struggles. We ALL deserve someone who will love us unconditionally, and have that love returned in the same ways. It is a one day at a time approach ‘Miracle’ and as I said before, NEVER compromise your integrity…your personal dignity. Stay strong and in many ways…defiantly say… “screw (name the person in your mind) them in my life. I want better…deserve better and one day will find the truest senses of happiness I have ever hoped for.” We ALL deserve sunny days yes? Robert
Miracle – how are you doing?
Hey ‘Trying’…..always great to re-connect with you here as well. We seemingly bonded here as our feelings and experiences seem so eerily similar. I too was worried about ‘Miracle’ and hope she is finding her way and is better. You have been an amazing source of support my sweet friend ‘Trying’. It is beyond words how much pain and anguish you stripped away simply from facing the reality of things. Hugs…Robert
Well, hello here – “Mr Robert”! Yes, it’s nice to re-connect on here. I should be thank-you you also for your help with dealing….I don’t think you know how much you have done. Ref: “Miracle” – yes, I hope she finds her way and is better….just wish she would give us an update.
Take care, Mr. Robert!
)
Well, hello there – “Mr Robert”! Yes, it’s nice to re-connect on here. I should be thanking you for your help with dealing over my heartache….I don’t think you know how much you have done. Ref: “Miracle” – yes, I hope she finds her way and is better….just wish she would give us an update.
Take care, Mr. Robert!
)
hi everyone!
i apologize for not being able to post here, i got sick…oh well, i have stopped myself from talking to him just because that’s what he wanted, it does get easier each day but there are some days that i really wanted to just cry. there was one time, i missed him soo much, i had to “missed” call him…i told him before that if ever i does that, it means i miss him…he probably knows it’s me since according to him i’m the only who calls him with a private number. anyway, i’m really trying my hardest to get on with life. well okay not really my hardest since i gotta admit, i still look at his facebook profile every now and then…just because i miss him. i did send him a message, asking if we could talk…but he just ignored me. he said he broke up with his girlfriend to be with me again…and then i just broke his heart by not showing up when i told him i would. he broke my heart when he asked that girl out when he promised me that we would work things out..or at least try to. he didn’t deny it nor even make me feel better…what he said to me was, he is technically single so of course he would ask girls out…i know what i’m doing right now is not “living life”, i’m still holding on and i dont know even understand myself anymore. i’ve been trying to tell myself that i need to move on before he does because it would hurt me more if i don’t but i just can’t. i’ve been through this before but it seems like i’m in a loop and i’m stuck. i dont want to regret the over 2 years i was with him but sometimes i wonder what if i didn’t let myself fall for him then maybe i would be so much happier now or maybe if i didn’t give in talking to him again when he cut the communication between us before then i wouldn’t be hurting now… ugh i dont know. i want to believe that anything could happen and that if its meant to be then it would but right now i’m losing faith with everything…..
thanks for the concern, tryingtoheal and robert. i hope you are both doing better at least. take care.
Hey ‘Miracle’ and ‘Trying’… Ms. B…you are MORE than welcome for many, many reasons… for your understanding and support helped ME immensely too. ‘Miracle’, I recently penned a short paragraph below and made a vow to myself as the spring creeps closer. Regardless of ‘why’ we all came to be broken, disillusioned, crushed, and felt as if our hearts were needlesly trampled on, we do NOT have to experience day after day in pain while the ‘dumper’ goes on their merry way unscathed. LET THEM WALK! The more we grieve and ‘wish’ and at times feel ashamed of ourselves for being NOT who we are, and letting those that we loved silently but efficiently hurt us…we repeat the circles of pain and self abuse over, and over…and over. This paragraph on this date in March 2010 is my mantra now. Steal it for your own….
People place higher values on what they can’t have, or what they fear losing. When you are rejected or dumped, back off and YOU make their decision final. Don’t be taken for granted! Don’t try to draw them in or seduce them! NEVER try to explain or repair mistakes! Don’t try to be friends! Don’t change who you are, or put on any acts! Simply surgically remove them from your hearts and minds and get on with your life! If they try to get in contact, be polite but keenle and emotionally indifferent! We all know how the mere sound of their voice knocks us back a few pegs…never pushes us forward. Most importantly, DO NOT give them another second of your valued time. Your time NOW is for other things, other people and perhaps soon down the road…another chance at FINDING not FALLING for someone you merely BELIEVE you may love! Finally, if miraculous bridges are repaired and you find yourself somehow back within arms length of one you absolutely adore, do so on your own terms yet from that very first moment on, make it abundantly clear that you will NEVER…EVER be taken for granted! Chances are great that when a couple breaks, it is a rarity that they ever share a bond again. Some wounds remain too deep for repair, and the ones you cannot see…the searing gashes in your heart are NEVER as forgiving. It truly is time to let them go! Our phases of pain move from shock, to denial, on to heartbreak and utter loneliness and despair. You cannot fall any lower than the depths of raw rejection, shame, and self pity. So to hell with it! Rise up and fight the good fight, embrace your friends, and move on with your life. Someone…somewhere out there, knows of your truest values in life and love. Be near to them and you will be guided to safety, and never shall you mourn again. Robert
OMG…horrified…I misspelled “keenly” above…ha!!!!! Robert
Hello all.
Robert, what you wrote could very easily have been written by me…you poetically captured a lover’s broken heart.
I have been on a rollercoaster ride for the past year and a half. My husband being indecisive about what he wants. He is in the midst of a mid-life crisis (in my opinion) coupled with alcoholism (he lapsed after coming out of rehab). He would pull me in and push me away and this cycle repeated up until a month ago. I just couldn’t take anymore. When I told him I need time and space to heal which meant no contact he wouldn’t stop harrassing me until I talked to him. It got to where I needed to file a restraining order. I can’t even understand why I want to be with someone who used to be so wonderful but is now and angry, resentful, hostile individual. I guess I spent all this time hoping the wonderful man he was would return. I am devastated. Confused. Lost. He was my rock. My forever (this year marks our 19th wedding anniversary). He threw me away without a care. Pretty much EVERYTHING reminds me of him and the life we once had. I know I don’t deserve the way he treated me, however, it does not dull the heartache at all…
Hey Sarah…
My friend from here ‘Trying’ and I have stayed in close contact via email since we both joined this site here to garner the same type of support that you seek here…wondering if anyone else has gone through or are going through something similar. I totally feel for you and truly understand the wave of torment that this has caused you. I went through a horrific heartbreak in September last year following a 3.5 year relationship. Unfortunately I was side swiped and became the dumpee out of the blue and it totally fractured my heart so I do feel for you. Prior to that relationship I was myself in a long-term marriage like you (17 years together with 2 great kids) so trust me, I also know of “time invested.” It sounds to me that you were pushed to a breaking point, and all you sought was space and time to yes “heal” but to also show him that you would no longer be there at his beckon call yes? A year and a half of the push pull was enough! Frankly, from the sound of things it appears that your hubby has a severe alcohol addiction that also severely changes his disposition and demeanor which is even more of a powder keg. The bad part of that is (and I am only guessing) it seems like he had his life on the side while you were left whirling around on this emotional roller coaster hoping the damn ride would stop! You could only take so much so DON’T blame yourself Sarah! I am sure that if ‘Trying’ were to jump in and comment too she would echo similar comments here. Listen…you ARE in a ton of emotional pain BUT…you have to stick to your guns here and have NO CONTACT at all. Let time and distance serve as a buffer, find family and friends and lean on them, and do NOT compromise what you KNOW to be right. Why? Because you will find yourself giving in after he professes “change” and a “better life” and one day the demon will re-appear and wham…more time will have elapsed and you start the pain all over again. You DO deserve better and if salvaging your relationship is important to your man, he will get help and remain sober first, and work on things he ignored for what..1.5 years? I would guess it has actually been longer. Be strong and don’t let your heart override what your mind tells you is the right thing to do Sarah. Make and keep your boundaries with him and let the chips fall as they may. YOU did nothing to cause this! Best of luck…keep your chin up! Robert
Hello, Sarah….. and Mr. Robert
Wow – I don’t even know where to start. I know you came here for support, Sarah – but I think you actually helped me today. I have a friend that has a drinking problem – I had a feeling she did, but she hid it well. She is going through a rough time right now and has turned to drinking a lot. We have talked and I have begged her to go get help. I am starting to feel drained, because I feel like a broken record. I don’t think I can take this anymore and would like to pull away. As a matter of fact, all I have done today is cried – I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be help themselves. Sarah, I realized this after reading your comment on here. I don’t know how you have done this for over a year and half….you are a lot stronger then you know, girl. You know what? Life is to short, Sarah – you need to think about # 1 – YOU! Reading your comment – I noticed that you talked about how your husband “use to be” – which is in past tense form. If anything I learned from my break-up – I had to stop looking and living in the past and expect the present and “I” had to start moving forward. In other words – I have to help myself, nobody else can do this. Yes, we have people/friends (like Robert
that help pick us up when we are down. I haven’t been in a marriage like you or Robert have – had that time invested. So, I can’t say I understand this area. But I do understand that pain, confusing and fear your going through right now. He needs to get help and you can’t do this for him. He has to want to help himself. Robert is right – you have to stick to your guns and have no contact. Believe me – your going to have your good days and your bad days on this part. Lean on your family and friends. You might feel like your a burden on them, but your NOT. (That’s what family and friends are for. I am sure you would be there for them, if the roles were reversed.) You also have this site you can come and talk to others. It helped me a lot.
Hang in there Sarah…..
Robert and Tryingtoheal, thank you.
Tryingtoheal, sadly, the conclusion you have come to about your friend is correct. The only person who can help your friend beat alcohol is your friend.
Today I spent the morning and late afternoon packing up my husband’s belongings. Tomorrow he will come with a police escort to pick them up. He hasn’t lived at home since August. He was supposed to work on his sobriety, but exactly as you said, Robert, he built himself another life and pulled me in and pushed me away all on his terms. He did the same to our children. I thoughtfully packed all of his remaining clothes (if it were up to our sons, his clothes would be in plastic bags…just to give you an idea of his destruction on our family). Needless to say, I am a little down today. I am by nature an upbeat, optimistic person. Yet today I am sitting on the pity pot and I don’t like it here! I don’t know how to get away from this overwhelming sadness. And as I mentioned before, I can’t for the life of me understand why I am so sad to lose someone who couldn’t decide whether or not he wanted to be with me for a year and a half. Up until a month ago, I believed with all that I am that we would make it through this. Only to discover he was cheating on me (but of course denied it…um, no, the panties that are not mine were not left in your drawer by the former tenants or by a friend who stopped by leaving two pair of panties in the other room so you folded them up and put them in your drawer) — yes, he actually tried to pass that off!
I have been working full time, taking care of our home and our children while he did not work and was being supported by me and his mother. Talk about humiliation! I can’t even put it in to words. I know people go through heartbreak and survive (we are living proof). I do have amazing friends and family. However, it is the loneliest place to be, late at night, no one to talk to, and all I can do is cry.
Hello, Sarah –
First of all, your allowed that overwhelming sadness. You have to listen to what your body is telling you. So if you feel like crying, then cry your eyes out. Your body is trying to heal and that sadness is only normal. Deep down inside, you know that you must move on and don’t deserve to be treated this way. But it’s not going to be easy – you two were married for – going to be 19 years, right? You can’t just close that chapter of your life and act like everything is ok. Please stop being so hard on yourself. I was so hard on myself and I tell you I was so over feeling that way. It draining and then I got mad at myself for letting it get to me. I fought with my emotion/body – I went through a phase when I wouldn’t and then couldn’t cry. I would held it in and I did this, because I thought my “ex” didn’t deserve that tears and I was SO angry. My body started to ache – especially in the neck and shoulder area. It was awful pain and I had to go to a chiropractor. This didn’t really help until I cried on day and I felt a relief – it took me awhile to cry. I held it in for so long, it was like I forgot how to cry. I came to realize the tears weren’t for him, they were for me – to heal and move forward.
Look at what you have accomplished – your working full time. (In a time where the economy is bad.) Taking care of your home and your children. That alone is a major accomplishment – I know it’s not easy. There were days, that it took everything I had to go into work and to stay at work. Taking care of the home – oh my goodness. I only did what I had to do and that was little as possible. (This was so not me, I like to have everything in its place and clean.) I don’t have kids, so I applaud you for all you have doing. Look at the strength you have.
Yes, I have to agree – it is the loneliest place to be. I wish I had a magic wand to help ease the pain. Sarah, take it one day/night at a time. I found when I needed to talk to someone, I would come to this site and just type away. It helped me, my poor keyboard received all the angry pounding and I cried my eyes out by the time I was done. Then I was so exhausted, I was able to go right to sleep. So, maybe you could try that?
Know that we are here for you, Sarah……
Hi Tryingtoheal,
Thank you for your kind words. I am thankful for so many things…most thankful for our two amazing boys. I wouldn’t trade the time we were together for anything. We were so happy once upon a time. He was a good husband and father before the alcohol took hold of him and muddled his thinking. I know, in time, the heartache will dull and I will no longer have this overwhelming sense of sadness. Believe me, I cry. God help the pour soul who asks the dreaded, “How are you doing?” Some days are better than others. Today is bad. My husband arrived with police escort (due to the restraining order) to collect his things. I tried to be strong, he mouthed thank you and I mouthed I love you and he nodded and touched his heart. I have no idea what that means? I no longer have expectations. My only hope is that my husband gets the help he needs and pulls himself together and does all that he can to make amends and repair his relationships with our boys. In the meantime, I need more waterproof mascara…I don’t think the waterworks will stop for a very long while.
Hey Sarah…
How are you? ‘Trying’ and I have stayed in touch since we met on this site, and frankly had it not been for her strong words and similar emotions of ‘loss’ in a relationship, I am sure that I would have spiraled down badly. I have two great kids too and TOTALLY understand the traumas that your children have endured (not to mention your own for trying for a VERY LONG TIME to be a magician and patch all the holes). I work in the law enforcement/behavioral arena and have dealt with so many sad situations associated with abusive alcoholics (not always physical…somethimes the ‘emotional’ is far more destructive and on-going) that I lost track after 20 plus years. YOU right now need to take care of YOU. For the well being and protection of your children, they MUST see YOU (as I am sure they have) as the glue that keeps the seams of your world and the house together. It is a very unfair burden for you Sarah but listen to me. ‘Trying’ put it very well in many, many areas. You need to erupt and let your sadness pour out. I highly recommend sitting down at that keyboard and writing a letter as if you were going to send it to your husband BUT…you are NOT! Get angry, cast blame, conjure up ALL of the past (good and bad) and see where the scales align! One thing we all do (and I did it too with the relationship that ended with me as the dumpee in September…parts of which still makes me sad) is naturally focus on all the GOOD that ‘was’ our mainstay (girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse) and NEVER bring bad images to mind. That is because we do that to psychologically protect our inner selves. While you are writing your ‘angry’ (UNSENT) letter, start another letter with two columns….’Good’ and ‘Bad’ as headers. Allow your mind to bring up EVERY good/great event (with both you alone and your kids) and then under ‘Bad’ do NOT leave one thing out. I think you will be shocked to find that the ‘bad’ DOES outweigh the good. Don’t let ‘memories’ and ‘good times’ dirty your mind as you try to heal. You MUST deal with the bad that lead your husband caused that has lead you here!! Infidelity is a hard enough pill to swallow because it is so violative. Couple that with an alcohol or drug addiction and the wounds course much deeper. Listen Sarah, you may not be able to see it or feel it right now but I can tell from your words you are bright, articulate, and intuitive enough to see all that is before you. Should there ever come a day when your husband does earnestly address his addiction, and you two SLOWLY try to see if reparations are possible (with the cheating being a brutal bridge to cross) I believe you DO have the strength to do that with eyes wide open. Listen, your time now IS to grieve as ‘Trying’ said. Let it all out and hour by hour find yourself feeling a millimeter better. Try to carve out at least a half hour to an hour that is all yours somewhere in a quiet spot at home. Be honest with all you feel and what you choose to tap out on your keyboard. It is both cathartic and offers more healing than you know. My prayers and thoughts are with you…Robert
Hello everyone! Hope you are all getting through the day.
Hello Robert,
Thank you for your support. This is so hard. Sadly, and rather pathetically, I spent the weekend and pretty much all day Monday sobbing. Uncontrollably. Just could not stop the water works. Without him, I feel so lost. Will I die without him? No. Does it feel like it sometime? Yes.
Finally, taking your advice, last night I sad down with pen and paper with a column of good vs. bad qualities (I will get to events next). Right now, the bad outweighs the good. He “was” so wonderful, supportive, loving and we “were” so happy. That was before alcohol really took a hold of him and changed his personality. Today I am feeling stronger. This moment. I am embracing this strength.
Our children and I do attend Alanon/Alateen, however, that does nothing for my broken heart. I am so glad to have found this site and such a wonderful support here in you all. I hope, as I grow stronger, I am able to be of support to one of you.
And hello to you, Miracle.
Have a great day all,
Sarah
Sarah…
First off, don’t feel that your tears equate to a weakness or feeling that you SHOULD be more together. You need to vent and grieve the loss because it is very traumatic and affects your entire family. You put it very well that you may feel like you WILL die from all of this but somewhere you KNOW who is watching over you and your kids. I suppose it is what I do for a living but I noticed your “was” and “were” quotations, which to me, shows that you can well differentiate the ‘good’ from the ‘bad’ times. I sensed that your list would be heavy on the negative, just by your comments throughout. This whole thing and pain that has built up inside of you (playing caretaker, mender, co-dependent partner, and protector of your kids) literally sapped your heart and soul of all energy and hece…compassion for him too. You can only be pushed so far.
Fold up your lists and even write an ‘Unsent Letter’ as I did and you will be surprised at what comes out. Don’t hold back, be angry, sad, and as emotional as you feel. Let the pen fly but do NOT send one word of it to him. This is all about YOU now Sarah. Enough damage has been inflicted. I also suggest removing pictures from your sight that carry reminders, and put them away. Above all, do not let your husband’s soft cries for sympathy and “another chance” enter into play when your wounds are so deep and cutting.
Take this weekend to move a few things around..change the interior landscape and get things out of your eyesight that “takes you back to a time when you were an US.” OK? I mean it. It sucks and yes you feel beat up and injured but each day you will gain a little more strength and be stronger inch by inch. I can tell that you, like ‘Trying’ before you, are a good person, of strong will and spirit, and one who IS a survivor. All you need now is YOU to convince YOU of that! Have a nice weekend and go easy on yourself…Robert
Hi Robert,
Thank you for your kind words. I find myself looking forward to reading this blog. Your support is invaluable to me…a perfect stranger…far more comforting than anyone in my life right now. Why? Because you and others on this site get it. The heartache. I hate it but it is there no matter how much I try to shake it…there it is.
Yesterday I was sapped of my strength. I had a conversation with my mother-in-law, well if you want to call it a conversation. I wound up leaving work a half hour early as her call left me a mess…uncontrollable fit of emotions and tears. While I know I should not take her words personally, how can I not? She said I broke her heart. After sitting awake half the night last night I realize she can’t help but blame me. Why not? It is easier than admitting her son has had a tornadoed (not sure that is a word?) our lives. She sees me as taking her grandchildren away from her son by extending the restraining order. For whatever reason, she does not understand that by doing so, I have removed us from his erratic behavior.
This is all soo much drama. I don’t like drama. I just want to be. I want to be happy. I don’t want to have to worry about cleaning up any more of his messes.
All that and I continue to mourn the loss of him. His humor. His charm. His strength. It is interesting because he has been lost to me for so long yet now that I cannot talk with him or see him, my mind is remembering him in good times. I thank you, Robert, for suggesting the list and the unsent letter. Both have been a TREMENDOUS help.
-Sarah
Hi
Been reading all ur stories my ex broke up with me late October. Its now may we were together four years he walked away and acts as though he never cared. Said he changed in last year. Its not me its him. I’m still sooooo soooo hurt when does that end. My heart breaks every day.. Has it been too long. Why can’t I let go. My heart lo es him sooooo much.
Ohhh God the pain!
I never thought I’d write on one of these but web searched solutions to my heart. I feel guilty for breaking it off how I did but I miss my man soooo much I want him back. The reasons for the break up:
1) He’s married (before you judge, it’s been over with him and wifey, I believe it, I’m actually friends with his daughters, have gone out several times, and the reason he didn’t divorce was for property, red tape, beaurocracy, and image (yes I wrote image, this person’s career and standing would suffer from a divorce). Having just defended him I will say, he told me a month into it about his situation which has always made uncomfortable and has been one of the main reasons I needed to get out.
2) He’s much older than I, I want babies and his are grown
3) It’s long distance as in 8 hours on a plane
4) I have my period and everything just came to a head and I sent a hasty email breaking it off. I don’t have his home number. But we skype.
5) I had been really ill, bed ridden for a few days (and I’m totally well now) but I felt so abandoned by him though I knew full well he wasn’t available.
6) I think he just wanted someone to fool around with but I don’t know how to do that without getting emotionally involved.
I really sent that email in haste, didn’t think, things were going smooth but I was having a spell of anger at the whole situation…finding out after the fact he’s married, etc. etc….but I’m worried about him. I want to talk to himmmmm, I love this man but it’s crazy. Love is purely crazy. Now I’m lonely all over again. I hope I can find a real man who is emotionally and physically available and not just some get together romp in the hay—glad I wrote cause this was some bull and this guy deserves it!!!!!
Hello everyone,
My boyfriend and I broke about 2months ago and I’ve been on the Internet looking for a blog like this. Reading everyone’s pain, hurt, sadness just made me feel so much more normal. We fell in love a year and half ago. He was the most loving, giving, spiritual man I ever known. We knew we had a spiritual connection and even went to a psycic who told us we were always lovers in our past lives but every time we come together it was too make the relationship better from the last time. I guess this time it didn’t happen. I thought he was love of my life. I thought I was going to live forever with him. (I was married for 25 years with 4 kids) He was married once with no kids. We had our issues. The issue was our egos got in the way with the relationship we always trying to prove the other wrong. He personalized everything and I thought I was always right.( two bad qualities) I’m a very strong woman with a strong ego and he had a hard time “handling me” as he would say. The reason he broke up with me is cause I caught is a lie that he told me from the first day we met. He told me he was a famous Mob bosses son and he had to change his last name. Finally the day we broke up and I confronted him on it he admitted to the lie and I told him we need to discuss why you had to lie to me. The next day he writes me an email apologizing for his lie but gives me a two page letter that he wasnt happy because he he never like a man with me. That was his breakup. I tried emailing, calling him, pleading with that I’m committed to the relationship and will work out this issues together. After ignoring me for two weeks I went over to his place and found his ex girlfriend from 15years ago (they became friends after which I was fine about) coming out of his place. He says she needed a place to stay temporary. I was devastated. I went hysterical. I stalked him for weeks after. Tore up all our pictures and mailed them back writing all kinds of hurt on the envelope. I didn’t understand why how he could have moved on so fast. I didnt mind the lie so much, I was willing to leave him alone but it was finding out about this woman that tore my heart to pieces. And two months later I still don’t understand why I he did this to me. I’ve lost my job and ended with DUI because of my despair. This was worse than when my dad had past away….it was death for me. After the DUI a spending a night in jail…I just didn’t wanna live anymore. My license was suspended! My life went from bad to worse. But my fours kids was the only thing that kept me strong.In 2 months love of my life broke my heart, I lost my job, and now my license is suspended and looking forward to dealing the DUI. I feel like I hit rock bottom and I’m trying so hard to pray for strength cuz right now there isn’t much left in me. I cant stop obsessing over the break-up. I cant stop myself from thinking about her in my half of the bed, her in my bathroom, her having my key. I don’t wanna lose my dignity but after all that is happen to me afterwards and feel like I have none left.
If anyone has any feedback I want to know your perspective on how could a man move on so fast just days after telling me he wants to spend the of his life with me….i just can’t move past this!
I’ve had a long distance relationship for a year now & we just broke up two days ago. I feel stupid because I kept asking him to give us another chance. I kept asking him to give me a chance. Truth is, I wasn’t even the one who messed up. But I’m the one asking for a chance, and I don’t know why. He had fault in it too. I’ve turn into this hideous monster, needy, clingy, desperate. I don’t want to be anymore. When I think about it, I don’t even know why I love him. Maybe it’s not love.. but why does it hurt so much? I guess it’s because he told me things and I believed them. A couple of months ago, he messed up big time once and HE WAS THE ONE BEGGING me back. I gave him a chance. Now.. he won’t even try with ‘us’ anymore. I know he feels bad for me, because he talks to me and tries to help me but it only ends up me begging and him getting so frustrated with tell me to to stop that it ends up me getting even more hurt. He’s changed and I know I won’t be happy with him. I don’t know why I keep asking for him back. I know I won’t be happy. Someone please help me, how do I move on?
I went back and read everyone’s comments.. it seems that we all feel one thing: that they don’t care anymore. That they (the exes) are OKAY, and we’re NOT. Why does this happen? Why can’t I be okay, too?
Hello ‘Ashamed’ and ‘Irreplaceable’. If you flip back here, you will see that my entries, along with ‘Trying’ and ‘Sarah’ have dated back to the beginning of the year. I had a 3.5 year relationship and felt both the good and bad of times, yet NEVER did I fathom that when I always had her back and we stayed as one, she coldly dumped me and now “prefers to be alone” stating that “silence between us now is necessary…too stressful.” I recently had many setbacks that related to Danielle (ex) and I meeeting for dinner and conversation after. It was a huge mistake! The elation felt after seeing her warm smile, eyes and hearing her voice catapulted me backwards. What happened is that she said that “she knew as soon as she saw me that there was still something there..that we were not done yet.” By the time we got done with the evening she did a 360 and said “I still feel no emotional attachment” (with me…WTF?) and that “it’s probably still best that we stay apart…stay silent.”
Danielle always had a very controlling demeanor and persona. It was her way, and often times I questioned whether she was ever listening at all. If ‘Sarah’ ot “Trying’ weighs in here, they will say the same things. One thing I have come to understand over time ‘Ashamed’ and in time you will too, is that you MUST sit down and write out a ‘Pro’ and ‘Con’ list about your ex and keep it in a spot you will see…adding to it as time moves on. I was surprised that the ‘Cons’ FAR outweighed the ‘Pros.’
Also keep in mind that often times as human beings it is NORMAL and NATURAL to eliminate ALL of the bad times and emotions from our minds, place our ex’s on pedestals and NEVER admit that there WERE things about them that really aggravated us and were not healthy. Danielle was very manipulative and controlling, and also chose to start smoking again (a lot….) as a way to “handle her stressors.” She had smoked for 22 years and had stopped just before I met her. Now she relies on her puffing of cigarettes as a crutch and isolates herself ALONE as a remedy for her emotions. There is no other guy to the best of my knowledge but day by day…almost 11 months post-break, I AM..inch by inch getting stronger.
‘Ashamed’…do NOT dwell on what you miss (which you can have with someone who REALLY loves you and you him…) like physical intimacies..words said…promises made (and ultimately broken…) and all of the GOOD. It is THAT which keeps us from healing. ‘Trying’ and ‘Sarah’ have helped me immensely over these times on this site because you MUST come to the realization alone that the relationship is OVER. Move on and heal…it is a necessity. As I said, over the past few weeks I really slipped backwards badly BUT…I dig in every day to say that each day to come is NOT promised to you. This life is a gift that can be taken at any moment. I choose to think now that I want to live it with one who truly loves me for all that I am now and in the future. The past is the past and cannot be changed. ‘Ashamed’…flip all the way back as all three of us connected and shared similar stories. I think it will help you in better understanding WHY you MUST not repeat mistakes of the past. They will only cause you further pain and anguish. God bless…Robert
Robert,
Thank you for your response and support. THANK YOU for responding so soon. I was a mess. Such a mess. But after reading what you wrote to me, I felt better. I started to think more about ME instead of ‘us’. He called me earlier. You know, acting like we’re friends (like how we used to be before we started dating). And he asked me if I deleted my profile on Facebook because he couldn’t find me anymore. I told him that I needed to be okay. That he was okay, but I needed to be okay too. I told him that we can’t be friends. & his answer surprised me. It was, “I guess.” This guy is not the same guy I once fell in love with. I feel that by him saying that.. that he only WANTS to be friends with me because he doesn’t want me to move on. Because he knows it’ll be hard for me to move on if we’re friends. Idk, maybe I’m thinking too much. I’ve only cried once since I read your response.. and that’s not much compared to me crying whenever I’m awake. I read back onto ‘trying’s’ response to ‘sarah’ and she’s right. Whenever I feel sad, I just write here and I’m better. Especially from getting support for complete strangers.. it’s comforting to know someone out there somewhere knows where I’m coming from. Sure, my fmaily & friends try to help, but it’s not the SAME kind of help I get from reading everyone else’s posts.. Robert, I printed out your mantra and posted it onto my bulletin board so I can be reminded everyday that I CAN get through this. Although, there are still times when sadness suddenly creeps and my emotions run wild. I am getting sleepy, haha.. ‘trying’ is right.. this does help you sleep. Robert, I greatly appreciate your support and I hope you are doing well. Thank you, again.
Hello all,
Hello Ashamed,
I am glad you have come to a place where you can find peace of mind. Heartache is a dark and lonely place. Friends and family are loving and supportive but are ready for you to “move on already” far sooner than your heart is. You are not alone. Quite the contrary.
As Robert mentioned, we have found strength in this site as well as in each other.
If I’ve learned anything throughout my personal heartache, it is this: Be Good to YOU. Feel what you need to feel. Give yourself time to heal. Be kind and patient with yourself. Take all the time you need to heal. There is no time line on the grieving process. Take care of yourself and be wise in your decisions regarding contact. When you feel the need to reach out to him (and you will) stop and think about your motives. Write them down. Stop. Is there truly a NEED to talk to him or a strong desire? From what you wrote, you are taking the appropriate steps to hinder contact by blocking him on FB. Wise choice. It isn’t easy. I will admit I blocked and unblocked my husband several times from my FB and my cell phone before it stuck. No contact is the healthiest decision I made for ME. Keep writing.
Take care of you,
Sarah
Hello again on the site ‘Sarah’ and so sorry you are going through all of this pain ‘Ashamed.’ I agree totally with what Sarah said and have since we exchanged all of our thoughts here. ‘Trying’ also hit the nail on the head. For me Ashamed, even after going into 11 months since my breakup, there have been times recently where I have spiraled down hard and been in such agony that I felt like my insides were going to explode. You NEVER know sometimes what the triggers will be, but it is at those times, when you must try as hard as you can to divert your mind. Sarah is so right too. In our relationships we naturally reached out to our significant others to share good news, or delve into things that were not always the best to deal with. When that cord is cut though and the relationship is severed, our inclination is to reach out and toss in a few “I’m thinking of you’s” or “I miss you’s” and the worst part is that if you were the dumpee and wounded in rejection, your negative emotions will triple when your contacts are ignored. You will just end up feeling worse and prolonging the pain and thus, the healing process. I DO know how you feel Ashamed. I know that Danielle is not seeing anyone else but when I am really down I make myself feel worse by envisioning another man kissing…touching her and it really can make you crazy and ten times more hurt and internally destroyed.
I recently made a mistake and met Danielle for dinner/later conversation and wished I had not. She was the one who reached out and thought “dinner might be nice. We can catch up.” Long story short she had 360 viewpoints, at one time saying that “as soon as she saw me she knew she still had feelings and that we were not entirely done.” Then later that night as we talked, in a bizarre spin she said that she just did not feel any “deep emotional attachments” toward me anymore. I was devastated almost in the same fashion as when we first broke up. I felt like I was kicked in the ribs and lost all my oxygen. I guess what I am trying to say to you Ashamed is that what Sarah said is totally true, and has been an amazing ally, along with ‘Trying’. Think of this. Whenever you feel those urges to contact or blindly reach out, pop something in your head that you disliked about him..even hated. For me it was Danielle picking up a hideous smoking habit again…a real shame for such a beautiful woman. I envision her lighting up while we talked and it drives away my need to send a dumb ass text, email, or to leave a senseless voice mail.
WE are the ones who sometimes don’t sleep or eat well because of those that broke our hearts. So let me ask you this. Do you REALLY think our ex’s are crying, waking to nightmares, feeling lost and hurt as we die on the insides? Hell no! In my case, especially HELL NO! She broke it off with me so OUR silence now serves to make THEIR decision to end the relationship final. I KNOW that someday soon Danielle WILL reach out in some form or fashion. Perhaps it will be after she tests the waters again and dates some psycho or wing nut (law enforcement term..ha!) and genuinely misses a truly ‘good’ man who loved her with all his heart…but was never allowed to show her again. Guess where we will be then? GONE! Day be day you will garner more peace and strength Ashamed. Hang in there…this place is a good start for you. Have a nice day everyone…Robert
Sarah & Robert,
Thank you for you guys’ support. For your understanding words and I am so amazed at how much it comforts me. I have just done something stupid that put me a couple steps back. I went on my friend’s account and saw his profile. I found out something I didn’t want to find out. I saw him asking a friend about going to the beach and it’s driving me crazy because I’m here wondering if he’s going to see some other girl that I did not want him to talk to when we were going out. You see, it’s been a mess since the very beginning. He liked my friend and me too. In the end he asked ME out.. and I lost a friend. He did too. During our relationship I’ve always tried to not think about her and him.. and how close they were and wondered about things.. and NOW he’s single and he can talk to her.. and it hurts to think it and to know it. and I DONT know. I just want to move on. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I pray several times a day for God to give me strength. I wanna be strong. I haven’t cried all day.. but now that I found out.. I’m thinking and wondering and making it worse for myself. I want to move on with my life. I want to never look back. It just hurts to look back. I don’t want to hurt anymore.
It hurts to know that he’s okay.. and I’m not. How can this be?
Hey there ‘Ashamed.’ One of the things within me that turns my stomach and literally makes me ill, is Danielle being close to and intimate with another man. Even now after 11 months of a breakup, and even with my own back slide (seeing her at dinner and how good she looked) our significant others become proprietary in nature. She is very attractive and I remember walking with her and seeing other guys locking on and of course, gave them that stare (I am not an overly jealous type but it is what it is).
The fact that there was another female in the weeds and a ‘friend’ àt one time is something you have no control of. I know how much it sucks to hurt so much…feel sooooo much pain and one we love/loved moves on without looking back. DON’T torture yourself and try to look behind the veil…check that cursed FB (not a big fan…ruined many a relationship) and “peek’ at what he is up to. So many times I wanted to drive to Danielle’s in the middle of the night just to check if someone ‘new’ was parked in MY spot (she has 2 assigned spots) but I know I would only kill myself more.
Listen my friend, you need to carve out a place in your mind that takes you to another place when pain and loneliness sets in. If Danielle or your former b/f seeks to put themselves back out there and find another…share intimacies…all, then LET THEM. We are apart from them now for reasons that are real and without debate. Screw them Ashamed…let it all wash away.
I know you are hurting but understand that you can do nothing about any of this. Since dinner with Danielle, silence has set into 2 full weeks. I don’t want to love someone…say those words we shared once…if she has lost her love for me. That in itself is far too crushing. Lift your chin and let it slowly wash away. No more FB detective…leave the past as the past. You WILL feel better. You WILL. Read the mantra you printed out…make it YOURS. Have a nice day and start to your weekend and as Sarah said…”Be nice to YOU.” Robert
I figured that I didn’t want to use the screen name ‘ashamed’. It’s so negative and although at some point I was ashamed of my actions and what I did wrong.. I’m slowly forgiving myself for doing them.
Robert,
Again, thank you for your support. Your words always find a way to lift my spirits up. I am doing a lot better today.. but I’m facing the fact that it’s going to be a roller coaster ride for a bit.. I know that I’ll never when I’m going to have a bad day and cry again or when I’m going to have a good day and not even care. Either way.. I’m still going to try to not have a bad day, lol. Robert, excuse my being selfish. I was so so down that I didn’t ask you how you’re doing. Sarah, you also. I hope you guys are doing well. and I really really really appreciate that you guys took time to write kind and encouraging words to me. It really helps a lot to be able to talk with people who can relate. I hope that we all get through this and I hope we can find happiness again. I’m trying to stay positive and I hope you guys do so as well. Goodnight, all. And I’m following your advice sarah.. I’m being GOOD to ME. I don’t want to care or look in the past anymore. Thank you guys so much.
Hi Hopeful,
I must say, I do like Hopeful better than Ashamed. You will forgive yourself for all that you feel you’ve done to wrong yourself. Be kind to yourself. While time does not heal all wounds, time gives you the ability to step back and assess what is important to you. What and who you accept in to your life in the future makes all the difference. Sounds over simple to you right now, I am sure, but so true. For me, ridding my life of negative entities, being friends, material belongings, whatever drained my energy made a world of difference and has helped me heal in a way I simply cannot put in to words. Hopeful, a list of pros and cons is eye opening. Along with a pro/con list, I also found helpful to write out a list of what I feel is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from the people in my life. I did this to keep myself from repeating the same mistakes. Such as, welcoming my husband back in to my life (a cycle I repeated more times than I care to admit out loud….this is something I had to forgive myself for).
You asked how I am doing. As far as mourning the loss of my husband, I no longer do. In my situation, my husband is lost to alcohol. He is gone, never to return. What he has done to me and our children is HIS cross to bare. While I am thankful for our two wonderful children, I have let go and am moving on. I am happy. Happier than I’ve been in years. I’m not saying it has been or is easy…the key really is to let go and refrain from making contact during those weak moments when you MUST talk to him.
Be strong. The folks on this site are here for you. Take this time to rediscover yourself. It isn’t easy…you owe it to yourself to bring true love in to your heart and that true love is YOU.
Hugs,
Sarah
Hey Sarah & Robert,
I called him again. I just needed to know. Because from the last time I talked to him he said he still had feelings for me. He’s confusing. He says he still has feelings for me and then when I ask him if he loves me still he says NO. I understand that he doesn’t wanna hurt me, but it hurts me more when he tries to let me down easy or “sugar coat”. Anyway, he’s friends with the girl from the past, or he’s on good terms with her. It sucks because I know for sure. I don’t wanna look back anymore, there’s no reason to. He finally said and admitted that he doesn’t love me anymore. He doesn’t have trouble sleeping. He’s FINE. and I don’t want to love someone who doesn’t love me anymore. I don’t want to believe in a relationship that he’s given up on. So now, even after I’ve made myself look like a fool. At least I know I gave it my ALL. Even though I looked like a fool, I don’t care. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about him. Because HE’S not that person anymore. I wanna forget and I wanna forgive myself. and I wanna move on. There’s no more excuses for me to not move on to not MAKE myself move on. I KNOW NOW. There isn’t a “what if” feeling anymore. He admitted that he doesn’t love me. Everything happens for a reason right? You guys, I wanna have hope again. I wanna hope that everything does happen for a reason. I’m putting it in God’s hands now. My ex is selfish and all he cares about is himself. What’s good for himself, for HIS future. Someone who loves you, truly loves you would never be selfish. Would NEVER lose hope. Would NEVER test you to see how far you would go for them. (Oh yeah, I begged again and he said fine I guess I’ll give it a try & then he TESTED me and said oh well, I might be friends with her again. It’s like, are you serious? NOW I’VE HAD ENOUGH). Enough is enough. I am through with pitying myself. Thank you guys for everything. For the support and encouragement you guys have given me. I know there will be times where I’m going to be sad again. And I may vent again. But this place.. it’s comforting. I have comfort in knowing that I can vent here and you guys don’t judge me, but encourage me and support me. I am so thankful. Good night. I will keep you guys in my prayers. HUGE HUGS.
Hey Hopeful… If you followed the chain of events I went through, it sounds eerily familiar. ‘Sarah’ and ‘Trying’ know the stories as we all leaned on each other at critical times in this whole process (and it IS a process!). With my ex Danielle, she too showed a truly cold, selfish side that at times (especially most recently in reflection…really pissed me off) bordered on cruel. I was the ass for not remaining free and clear and NOT CONTACTING but…like you I felt that strong pull…that urge to reach out. I think Sarah said it best that you feel you MUST! I agreed to join her for dinner weeks ago (the last time I saw her) and just seeing her attractiveness, hearing her voice, lightly conversin made me ‘fall’ again and feel that hope. BUT…as we talked after dinner a while is when like your ex Hopeful, she tossed in the “I love you and care about you but those deep feeling…the emotional attachment is not there anymore.” I then got dessert on top of that when she added that “nothing you did, changed or altering who you are would have changed where we ended up. This is about where I am at this point in my life.” WTF is that about? I HATE that she doesn’t reflect back on my being there for her cervical spine surgery, then a car wreck that affected that problem again…rehab…seeing/feeling her pain and trying to comfort her at every turn. She had outside stressors from her dumb ass son’s girlfriend, her pains, and the finale was her saying that she “felt better being alone.” I sense that this is not the first time, nor am I the first man she has turned and walked away from. There are other issues in her life when she was very young that I absolutely DO believe plays a major part in all this.
So it is Hopeful, we as the dumpees, are forced to acquiesce to the fact that our ex’s may still “love” and “care” for us, yet it no longer has an ounce of romance to it. THAT is dead and gone. We are left to agonize about someone else with our ex’s, kissing them, becoming intimate and it serves as torture. Do you know that 11 months has elapsed since my breakup with Danielle and not one day has passed when I do not think of her…not one day!
For our own mental health reasons, and for our own states of sanity, we MUST stay clear, NOT CONTACT AT ALL IN ANY WAY, and know that in time our decisions to stay away and let this run its course is the best decision we have made. Do I still love Danielle? Yes I do but…can my heart and soul ever be sustained knowing that those feelings and deep emotions are not reciprocated? Hell no and netiher can you. One day your ex may realize the ‘good’ that was all of you, and when he doesn’t hear from you at all, you are showing him that YOU have moved on. ‘Sarah’ is right about all she said. You MUST stop beating yourself up day by day. Work magic in your mind and when you think of him or become sad, put up a GIANT STOP SIGN in your brain to quell those emotions. Think of something nice, a cool breeze at the ocean…your favorite scent…of family and friends who love you unconditionally. That is the ONLY kind of love we all deserve..yes? Take good care of YOU! Hugs back at you…Robert
Hey all,
I want to say that I’m doing better than before. I try not to think about it and just live. I try my best to not look back but there ARE moments where it creeps, but I try my best to block it out. So far, I’ve been okay. There’s actually a guy that’s asked for my number at work (I just transferred to a different location) and yeah. I barely know anyone here but my family.. so hanging out with friends is kind of out the window. I’m trying to make friends but it’s hard. Anyway this new guy.. I just wanna be friends with him but I think sometimes he flirts with me.. He’s a really nice guy though. But I’m not ready for anything anytime soon. I’m still in the process of healing and forgiving myself for looking like a fool. And also I need time before I can really let myself trust someone again. Trust was a big issue with my last relationship. He fucked up big time ONCE and from there it went downhill. I turned into a different person where I would get mad if he didn’t tell me he was going somewhere and who he was with and stuff. It was just unhealthy overall. I know that in due time, I’ll be glad that it’s over. But for now, I’m licking my wounds.
Robert & Sarah, I really do hope you guys are doing great. I know you guys have been dealing with this far more than I have and if I can help in anyway, please let me know. You guys are helping me more than you can ever imagine. I really really really appreciate everything. Have a nice day!
Hey Hopeful…I am glad you are feeling somewhat better. Ironically I have not been. I too had another backstep and reached out to Danielle. I had this instinct she had wanted or was already seeing someone new and flat out asked her for total honesty. She said that after we last met she felt “deep down her heart was not in it anymore” then said..”You asked for total honesty. I think I need to start dating again. I want to.” Just those words penetrated so deeply and caused so much anguish I was almost physically ill and had to leave work. I have fallen again, barely slept and feel like it was the last straw. Sometimes be careful whát u ask for right? She said. “You need to move on. I have.” I felt like we just broke up all over again. Saddest most hurtful thought? We had bought a bed together and all I can think of now is some random dude in OUR bed. I hate what I have become. Even 11 months later I reopened wounds. I ache to lash out and react but it is what it is. She will soon find out what freaks are out there. We were together for 3.5 yrs and learned from each other. Now let her test waters and see what is out there. I am sorry so angry and wish I was in a better state of mind but when they don’t love us anymore just say fuck it…let them be. When they come back…if they ever do we will not be around as expected after their fuckfest ends. I am so upset tonight…wish I was more helpful. This has finally come full circle..it IS time to move on Hopeful. Sweet dreams…Hugs to all, Robert
hello everyone, it’s been so long since i last came here. still recovering. how are you all? i think I’ve been depressed, bitter and so ready to give up on love but deep inside i still believe in it…sighh
Hi everyone..
Robert,
I know what you’re going through. I think that it’s safe to say that WE’VE ALL been there, some of us more than once. (In my case, me begging not once, twice, but three times and all to get the same answer: “NO, stop. you’re just hurting yourself. STOP.”) It’s hard, I know. But Robert when you feel like this.. no one else can pick you up but yourself. Are you really going to let this Danielle make you feel this way? We have to realize that some things just aren’t meant to be.. If you’re religious.. then I say to you that God won’t put you through anything that you can’t handle. (If you’re not, then sorry bc sometimes my words/advice can be religious). Anyway, it’s true. Like you told me, we MUST not look back anymore. Leave that past in the past. It’s not healthy nor will it change. I notice that you keep saying “when they come back, we won’t be there anymore.” But I feel that some part of you still thinks they, our exes, are coming back… THEY’RE NOT. Maybe if somehow sometime in the future they feel the pain and look back on us.. but in most cases they won’t come back. Ever. They leave us because they don’t want to be with us not because they don’t want to be in a relationship or some other reason. It’s because we’re NOT their “ONE”. To them, we’re not worth fighting for or any of that. We need to fight the good fight and stop doing this to ourselves. We just have to accept it and move on. Be good to yourselves.. Go do things you wouldn’t do. Focus on things in your life that will benefit you. And if you want.. you can pray. But if anything come to this site and vent. Just vent. We’re all here to support each other. I hope you get well soon. Don’t waste anymore of your valued time on her.. You’ve only got one life to live.. don’t let it go to waste on being heart broken. You need to find happiness elsewhere.. whether it be your job, family, or something new like friends or a new hobby. ANYTHING, just as long as you’re being true to yourself and just making yourself happy. Hugs, Hopeful.
And hello Miracle Don’t give up on love! Love did not do this to us.. People did. THEY stopped loving us.. love didn’t do anything. Stay hopeful.. good things will come. If anything, just come here to vent and we’ll all be here to support you.
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