Are you as sad as our pooch?
From 35 emails, 18 texts, 9 calls, 5 voicemails and daily visits to NOTHING? Is that what we’re asking you to do – cut off all contact with your ex? It’s actually not sad, because the thought of not seeing or speaking to your ex is so painful that it almost seems like a joke. Yet, no one is laughing. You know what else isn’t funny? Refreshing your email 100 times a day and checking every other man made mobile device waiting for a beacon of hope. It’s exhausting. Well, it’s time to make a change. You can stop contacting your ex and start healing. You can. You will. We will help.
First, let’s look at the problem. You can last a few days with no contact riding off some anger and the encouragement of friends, but then it happens. You are alone with your blackberry, watching tv and you see a commercial you both loved…
You stare at your phone and the most urgent reason to call him manifests: I still have his favorite socks. I wouldn’t want him going to the gym and run on the treadmill without socks. I think I heard on Good Morning America that running sockless is linked to a toe infection epidemic. Yes, that’s right, that’s what they said. This is definitely an emergency. I should definitely call him.
Others decide it’s time to will the phone to ring or vibe with a new text. Yes, I will stare at the phone and use my telepathic powers to make her contact me. Wait! Maybe there is something wrong with the phone. I should make an outgoing call to make sure. Oh, okay, it works. Wait! In the three seconds I was dialing, maybe she called and got thrown into voicemail and thought I ignored her call. Okay, I should definitely call her.
If you want to contact your ex, you will find a reason. Likewise, if they want to contact you, no reason in the world would keep it from happening. It is up to you to cut the contact. Does it make you feel better to get a message from your ex? Sure. Does it get you through the night to send a little text and hear something back? Perhaps. However, in the end, you don’t get what you want from them and the contact makes you feel worse. Your greater goal is to get over this heartache and contact is not moving you towards this goal. Every contact is just delaying the healing process.
Here are 8 Ways to Help you go Cold Turkey!
1. Take Care of Business – Get a box and pack up keys, clothes, kids (ok, not the kids), but all other items he or she will want back. Ship them to your ex.
2. Identify your Weak Points - When do you want to call or contact the person most? Think about it. Ready? Ok, write it down. Now be conscious of your weak points and when you hit one, use #3 to combat your temptation to make contact.
3. Create an Arsenal of Distractions – Make a list of things that you can do instead of contacting your ex. (i.e. Calling a friend, going outside, taking a shower etc.) Use these when something in #2 creeps up.
4. Find your 3 Doosies – Write down your three biggest reasons for not contacting your ex. One might be because I always feel worse after I hang up the phone. Put them on post-its and stick them next to every electronic device you have.
5. Quit Online Stalking – Make it stop. Delete your ex from Facebook, Twitter, Gchat etc. Develop new online habits.
6. Fancy Not Meeting You Here – Don’t frequent the places you used to frequent together. This one is kind of a Duh! If you are intentionally going to places you think you will run into your ex, stick one of the post-its from #4 on your head.
7. Back away from the Blackberry – Put the phone in another room at night. When you are out having a drink, hand the phone to your friends to reduce temptation. Vow to only check it 1-2x per day.
8. At a Minimum, Try the Lite Recovery Plan – If this is too much to bear, we get it. This is the slower route, but it will eventually get you into the fast track. Try cutting out one form of communication per week. First calls, then emails, then texts, you get the picture.
Need more help healing from a broken heart? Try Amelie’s scientifically supported Step to Heal program – check it out here.
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This is the HARDEST part. I talked to him all the time. I’m not young, but we had a very modern relationship with emails, texts, chats, the works. We live in the same city and saw each other everyday and during the day, we had all this electronic exchange. Now – nothing. It kills me. I’ll try the tips.
Agreed. Going from all to nothing is very difficult. After a very zealous pursuit on his part in the very beginning… I had the rug pulled out from underneath me a few months ago. This has been going on for almost a year. I’m (we) are not young either. And quite frankly, at 52, I don’t want to play these stupid games anymore.
Being angry helps….lol In fact, after the phone conversation I had with him last night…I’m even angrier and the thought of speaking to him in the phone again..”just to remain friends” is not even appealing to me right now.
And his dog has fleas! (I do crack up when I think about this). Do I want to be in a relationship with a man who can’t even control the fleas on his adorable dog???? Nope!
So, it does get easier…I’m just really tired of finding this out so frequently…lol
I’m off to the convent!
This is hard to do..but so important to healing. It’s been a month and I finally deleting my email account, Yahoo IM, and cellphone I had just for her. The horrible thing is I think she would have been able to stop contact weeks ago. I was always the one that would break down and call her. She would tell me that she still loved me…but I think that was guilt speaking. Eventually you get to the point where you know that it is over, and if they change their mind they will call you. Stop contacting them…you will feel better…I already do.
No contact is the best solution to move on and heal. I just broke up a 3-year relationship with a guy, on the day I discovered he is still very much married and no plan to divorce the wife. Same day I deleted all my email accounts, deleted his phone numbers in my cellfone. But one thing I did is to send him a note [before I deleted my account] – DON’T COMMUNICATE WITH ME! You are a USER!
No contact is definitely the best way to go. Especially if your on the receiving end of the break-up meaning YOU were dumped. This way your because your heart was broken maybe you can return the favor by not giving them the attention with contact.This could leave them wondering why you haven’t tried to call them it may make them rethink their decision. And if your feeling really ballsy don’t answer or respond let them feel the sting. Remember they dumped you the ball is in your court you get to decided if they get to play. Also being angry and learning to resent the person who hurt you helps too. Resentment is a lot easier to get over then love. I know it sounds kinda bad but it has worked for me in the past to avoid arbitrary contact.
I agree with Dan, don’t think of the good old days, rather think of those telltales that you intentionally ignore because of the blinding emotion you have towards the person. No contact will also let you see the bigger picture of what kind of person you have dealt with. By then, you will say THANKS GOD this person is out of my life!
I have done a few of the suggestions…but I guess everyone goes through the on again off again crap. I was fooled into thinking he had potential when all along, the only potential he had was in breaking my heart. I’m in my 30′s and I’m sick of all the games men can play. Unfortunately if I ever meet a nice guy with everything going for him, I may be too damaged to appreciate him. This guy really hurt me. He lied and abused me mentally and quite frankly, I should have dumped him and remained that way, but I was weak and foolish…believing in the “I love you” crap. If someone truly loves you, they fight for you and stand by your side right? Not move on to the next hot body. Now I’m stuck with a broken heart while he is out there gallavanting with a new woman. What a looser. I guess I’m getting to the angry stage as I write this!
God, how impossible this is for me. I work as a paramedic and he’s my partner. This is why he wants to remain friends. I have to work with him….. every third day for 24 hours at a time. I can’t exactly up and change shifts or duty stations, I have no control over that nor would I want to change because of him. I’m in charge of him on emergencies. If I ignore him, or develop an attitude, my care of others who need me will suffer. I can ignore the texts, ignore the e-mails (I refreshed 4 times while reading this) but I can’t ignore him. What should I do?
Going from seeing each other and talking or texting on a daily basis to nothing is so hard for me. Just like Cole, my ex and I both work together and I have to see him everyday. Worst of all we are teachers at a high school, so everybody finds out about our lives. Teacher and students as well, and its very hard to do your job when all you want is to hide under the covers and cry till you can’t anymore. We tired to be friends for the sake of our jobs but I can’t. I love him.
My boyfriend and I had been together for 4 ½ years…living together for 2. I REALLY thought we had something different and special. Unlike relationships that start out in madly in love and eventually just annoy each other, I loved him more every day we were together. The more I knew him the more I respected and admired him. We’d both been remarried before, and didn’t want to do it again, but we were that committed. He always said he loved me enough to marry me. I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
He is 54 and decided at a young age that he never wanted children. I’m 42 and have two grown children, so that wasn’t an issue for me. Anyone who has kids knows that their problems and crises don’t go away overnight. He ended our relationship because he couldn’t stand to see what I went through with my kids. He said if it were just us on a deserted island it’d be perfect. We loved each other, we loved to spend our time together doing nothing and doing everything.
I didn’t see it coming. I am devastated. He wanted to still see each other, but just live in different homes. I couldn’t do that. It hurt too much. All I could feel was the loss….not waking up together, not having our morning coffee together, not cooking and eating together. Then I ended up feeling guilty because it felt like I was leaving him by not being able to see him like that.
Well, I just blocked his email addresses. I can’t keep being in contact with him. It’s been a month and a half, and I am not even beginning to move on. If I’m not going to answer his emails, there is no point in reading them and having my heart twisted. But I am already worrying. Will he get his feelings hurt? What if he wants to get back together with me and I don’t answer his emails?…and on and on.
But HE trashed our relationship and broke my heart so that he can have he blessed peace and quiet….let him to it. If he doesn’t want to include in his life, the major aspects of mine, where can we go from there?
I AM SO ANGRY AT HIM FOR DOING THIS TO US!!!
I am so hurt.
In reply to CL. Oh, yes. That could be my story, except my ex had 3 kids (now grown up and left home) and after asking me and my two to move in he set about destroying them. They are good girls, not horrible teenagers who drink and smoke and disrespect the home. And he threw them out, said he didn’t care if they were in the streets, even though he always said family is the most important thing in life. And then I discovered his ‘friendship’ with a colleague included afternoons at a hotel. When I confronted him he hit me. So, we all left, pronto, with everything in black bags and my girls are now living in a flat, having to support themselves and I am in my best friends spare room. So, what am I supposed to think when he emailed me and said I was the one who chickened out, I was the one who dumped him and I don’t have the integrity or staying power to do a real relationship? That he expected me to come back and marry him? No contact is all very well, and I don’t want to have anything to do with such a horrible man but, I did love him (or rather I loved the man I thought he was) and so did my children. I want to tell him exactly what I think but fear it will turn into another ploy to manipulate and abuse me. To not contact him means he is going around like HE is the victim and I want the world (and the next woman) to know what a vile person he is and warn them. So, we have to learn, girlfriend, how to heal the self and have the compassion to let the ex Be. Life is too short to waste love and respect on those who don’t understand the meaning of the words.
My boyfriend of 3 years just broke up with me last week. We haven’t talked. So far I’m doing good in not calling him, but it’s really hard. I’m devastated. We’ve spent nearly every night together for the past 3 years and now it’s like it never even happened. When I met him he was going through a divorce and he is the one that pursued the relationship with me. He practically lived with me and my kids for 2 years and then he bought his own house (which I knew was one of his goals). I just feel sort of used. Like I saw him through everything and now that he has is own place, he doesn’t need me anymore. His reason for the break-up was that it just “wasn’t working”. He wouldn’t even talk to me about anything. There isn’t anyone else – and I do believe him on that. We have mutual friends and he lives blocks from me in the house that he bought. I don’t know if I should eventually call him or what I should do… I’m so sad and donfused.
..breaking up is so hard..I have read all these comments and some of them made me feel a bit better …but I need help so don’t judge till you finish reading. I started a relationship with someone I worked with whilst I was still married 2and a half years ago. We became close over a period of time and feelings turned to love. She was going through a divorce. My marriage was full of the old cliches.I left my wife and children. That was very very hard. I knew it would be hard on everybody but I still did it..but I lived on my own seperating my time with my new partner and my children. I wanted things to be right and I felt I had to try and please everybody.Things happened with my eldest son and I had to move back to my marital home for some time. This caused strain and break up in my new relationship. I loved her so much and her me that we got back together again.But things happened through circumstance and we ended our relationship a year ago.Through tears and pain we knew that although we were so in love with each other we could not be together.It broke my heart.I knew my family had to come first,and my children needed me.My wife and I have had a hard year but things are better.The hardest thing for me is that my ex is now marrying someone in Feb next year. He is a work colleague and I just can’t handle it. I can’t judge my ex because she needed security and a future for her and her son and I fully understand, but rebound is where she is at. I am still in her head and we communicate daily..made worse by the fact we sit next to each other..I don’t want to be judged ..I just need some help. I love her and it hurt like nothing I can describe when she wore an engagement ring today. I know I have a wife who I do love as she is a wonderful mother and a good companion..but there is still something missing.I can’t put her through the pain that I did again as it would be so unfair. I am not a complete bastard..I just hurt so much inside after almost a year..I really don’t know where to go from here..I really don’t
Colin,
Reading your story made me sick. You could be MY husband, who left me and our two toddlers for a bimbo at work who he became “close” with her and they shared feelings. He thinks of me as his “companion” and “mother of his kids”. That is NO REASON to leave your family! I am truly crushed that this has happened to me – it is what you did to your family! I don’t want to judge you, but of COURSE you are not happy! You left your family looking for greener pastures. You didn’t find them, did you? Well I am heartbroken and crushed and I feel totally betrayed. I don’t feel bad for your “work girlfriend” she should have known better than to get involved with a married man. Go to counseling and try to find those feelings you had for your wife before you cheated.
New Teacher,
I understand you are upset, but I don’t believe that judging Colin is in the spirit of this site and all of us trying to help each other. I’m not defending him, but he’s come here for help.
He was Never at my level, and I wouldnt have given him a second glance. But he kept on persuing me to no end. I fell for him pretty hard, because he would do EVERYTHING to make me happy. We broke up so many times and whenever I wanted him back, he would leave whoever he was with to be with me. But I always thought I could do better, and I LET him know That I felt that way. We broke up after a huge fight on the first and he finally let go. This is the first time he hasn’t texted me or called me. I called him to apologize for my actions, he accepted the apology and that was it. I miss him so much, but I know he moved on already. Either way I know we can never make eachother happy because the bottom line… WE AREN’T WHAT EACHOTHER WANTS. And I have a feeling he hates me now because the way I treated him. I Just need to be strong and let him go also. Iv been through break up before, but Iv always been the one to beg the person back. This time I made up my mind Im not. I have to admit I am doing a little stalking online. And if he strong enough not to text and call me, then I should be strong also.
My best friend and i have always had something, and in January this year we decided to take it to the next level. It started steadily, although soon enough issues began to arise and his lack of commitment began to take a toll on our relationship. When we were together, the world outside the four walls that surrounded us, disappeared and all i could think about was how lucky i was to be lying next to him. I really loved him. And so since then, he cheated on me once (and was stupidly forgiven of course) and just continued to have mixed emotions. Our conversations all ended with the same indecisive chatter, and we managed to maintain this bullshit until two days ago- almost 8 months. 8 Months passed, he lives next door to me and i see him every time i leave the house. We have the same best friends and he is completely unavoidable. he broke my heart the other day with a TEXT MESSAGE telling me that he couldn’t handle it anymore. I am still just as in love with him as ever, despite his horrible attitude and commitment issues. He told me that he will always have feelings for me, its just not working now and he wants to finish it. I cannot block him out of my life no matter how hard i try because its physically impossible and i cant think of anything worse. He was in my life long before we started dating and the thought of not seeing him kills me. I have been sent home from work crying, and physically cant be left alone because my head implodes with ifs and buts. They say that dating ruins friendships and most people tend to ignore it… it definitely does- im totally devastated and lost for ideas on how to fix everything. This person is my world, even if we arent dating. These steps are far too hard to follow!!!
Ok I need help I have been split up with my x for over a year cuz of her cheating on me. We were together for three years an ingajed for one an a half. I loved her more than life more than anything in my life she was my hart. I have done your steps but just couse I thot it was best I did know it was on here. It helps some I don’t want to talk to her see her or even think of her but my hart is so broken an shaterd it still hurts what can I do please help me I am going crazy with depretion an hart ake.
my bf and i are currently giving each other silent treatment as things have been bad and i can see that the next step is gonna be a break up. we have tried breaking up in the last 8 years many many times and we always ended up being back together, but this time i hope we can cut it loose. but wanting to break up doesnt mean it doesnt hurt… in the past 8 years altho we dont see each other a lot (once every one to two weeks only) but we are always on the phone or texting each other…now that we are not doing that it feels really awkward and it’s only the first day. of course i remember every reason that i need to be away from this guy, and i have no mentioned about breaking up yet… this will continue to remains as a silent treatment until one of us says something… i hope to use this period to learn how to be single (afterall i’ve been with someone for the last 8 yrs, being single almost didnt seem to be an option for me) and hopefully when the time comes the pain isn’t as much…… i can get used to not seeing him cuz as i said we never really see each other a lot anyways, but not communicating is hard, it’s REALLY hard…
Hi I am going through a very painful break up I was with my ex for about three and a half years and for a bit of it we were long distance and during this point my ex cheated on me . For a few months after he told me this I tried for three months to get over this but if felt like such a big betrayal. At this time I has strong feelings for someone I barely knew(I honestly think I tried to project my feelings that I had for my ex onto someone else as a way to get over his cheating) I felt like I could not love my ex anymore because I felt so worthless around him, so I told him I was in love with this guy and my ex was hurt for about a week, then I told him I wanted to try and work things out because I realized I did still love him, i just needed to deal with what he did in my own way and and this point he was through. He cut contact with me for about a month after which he told me he needed me in his life , but only as a friend. He told me if I loved him I wouldnt cut contact with him. Its been about 8 months now and for about seven of them we saw each other very often, we basically acted like we were still together doing all the things we did. But his contact with me has slowly been lessening two weeks ago he called me almost every night, now I hear from him once every two weeks. He still ltells me he misses me but he makes no efforts to see me ever. I guess he has made new freinds of is dating it hurts so much but I have finally decided that I need to not contact him at all bcause I will die if he falls in love with someone else I don’t want to be around to see that. I have tried for seven months to do this and never could if he wanted to see me, but now its easier because he makes no efforts . I dont call him or text him . Its hurts so much when I think of what I lost- the person he was before he became, he told me he couldnt live wo me but he is doing just fine, he said we were going to get married he said he would do anything for me, the funny thing is i never asked for any of that at all. people need to recognize that when you really love someone their needs become more important than yours, he was in love with me but he never truly cared for me . when you say something make sure it means more than just the momentary thing u are feeling. I really beleive that many men are not capable of the same kind of love that women are, probably because of biology, but i do think there are people who are sensitive and mature who can rise above natural instincts and truily care about someone, if you truly loved someone there is no way u could rip their heart out and leave them to such pain. I just think men are really under developed when it comes to the mind and emotions. I hope I find someone who isnt but I think it is VERY RARE in todays society.
I am finding it incredibly hard because I cannot contact my ex, at all. We saw each other every day and then when we broke up, nothing. He moved house, changed his number, stopped seeing his friends. I have no way to contact him. In some ways this is good, in other ways it makes it much harder. I haven’t been able to wean myself away so to speak.
i understand what everyone is going through or went through i was with my boyfried for 3 years from seeing each other everyday to speaking from good morning to good night we were inseperable and more in love than in the beginning we were talknig bout our future and our lives together did everything for me and my family. we have now been broken up for 1 month no contact whatsoever. initially we had a huge blow out i found out he lied to me about something but i was so hurt confused angry i told him to stay away from me and that he no longer exists in my life. since then he really did stay away . which confused me becasue when you love someone dont you not wanna see them in pain and at least end things the right way if anything , i know i said those things out of anger but for him to just never look back makes me feel so hurt inside i cant even explain. i have gotten much better with time but i think of him every second.
Letting go is much harder than anything I have ever been through. After 23 years, my husband’s alcohol addiction and an affair with his “friend” has ruined our marriage. He has been out of the house for almost two weeks. Not hearing from him kills me. I don’t text him or call him for fear he will not text back or answer the phone. I respond politely to his texts and speak cordially on the phone when he calls. The hardest part is our children. I can understand his need to distance himself from me (I asked him to leave due to his excessive drinking) but to give our children the cold shoulder…seriously?
This is a nightmare.
Yes, Rachel. It sucks. I’ve made Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” my new theme song, LOL!
this is the worst break up ever for me instead of forgetting him with time and healing i miss him more now am i ever going to feel better. someone please give me advice since im completely lost confused everything
you wait if he comes back for you but as of now make yourself more beautiful so that you will be very proud to say it is his lost not yours but you know female almost all wants that as much as possible the one we really love will be our partners forever…maybe someone better and right is just along the way. are you willing to wait like me…crying helps but lets not allow it to be forever….smile sis!
roxanne, pray a lot and as i have advised, let’s make ourselves busy so missing someone else will be lessened at night, pain specially in the heart makes us restless like what im feeling right now….proceeding with your life is slow if you always think of the broken promises he uttered…go to the salon and make your self more beautiful…Think of the celebrities left by the partners considering they almost have the perfect faces and ozzing sex appeals… im just making you smile…
melissa,you wait if he comes back for you but as of now make yourself more beautiful so that you will be very proud to say it is his lost not yours but you know female almost all wants that as much as possible the one we really love will be our partners forever…maybe someone better and right is just along the way. are you willing to wait like me…crying helps but lets not allow it to be forever….smile sis!
This is so hard, I just called him
We were together for 2 years and it was a really important relationship in my life. I can’t believe we go from being together all the time and calling each other everyday to NOTHING. I love him so much ! Everytime I call him I hope he changes his mind… I hope he remembers all the good things about us and realises he still wants to be with me 
I don’t know how we are supposed to forget about someone we love with all our heart.
My heart broke on Wednesday. I guess I am still in shock. My emotions go from intense sadness, tears, then anger. I have never felt hurt like this before. Wednesday I found out that the love of my life had been sleeping with prostitutes. I read every detail of their encounter and saw his ratings of them on his emails. We were together for four years and this had been going on for the last year. I retaliated by posting what he did on his facebook. Now everyone knows what a low life he is. We did talk, and ever so subtly I think he is blaming me for his behaviour. Anyway, I am trying not to contact him, its so difficult. I do look at my phone and check my emails. I am trying not to be angry.. and I am trying not to cry. Trying to be strong really. I loved him like I have never loved anyone else. Just hurts like hell
Sarah, believe me when I agree with you about the children being snubbed by the alcoholic womanizer who I used to love. My children’s father is doing the very same thing. The hardest part is when they ask me why and I cannot come up with a decent answer…
Dawn, my response to our children is an honest one (our children are 15 and 12). Daddy has choices. He has a home and a family who love him. He is lost right now and needs to find his way. He can choose to get healthy or he can choose to continue to drink. Yes, his choices are painful, and while we may not understand his choices, they are his and his alone. All we can do is love him and be here for him if and/or when he chooses to find his way home by committing to his sobriety and his family. I hope my response helps you….
when i was reading this page my cousin called my and asked me to called him for some business stuff (cz i recommended him to my cousin’s company)…it’s 5 days since we last promised not to get together again. I had been so fine and then i sent him message (1 hour ago), 5 minutes later he called me back…we talked like we haven’t talked for years…we tried to talk like friends and he said he won’t call me again…still care about each other so much. we ended the conversation happily. 5 minutes later i felt like lots of acid in my stomach
, my heart tightens everytime memories come back, it’s like waves, one bye one, i feel my mind in a weightless state!
my god, now i know y people should stop contact… it’s stupid of me…
I was with this guy for a year and 8 months to be exact. We were in a long distance relationship and we tried to work things out. I’ll make the story short, last Saturday he broke up with me. He said it’s really over this time. I feel like I am going to hyperventilate just thinking about it. He broke up with me, the day before my birthday. He said he hates me and does not want anything to do with me. I feel helpless because I can’t even do anything to stop him from leaving. It feels like I just can’t live without him. I told him I still love him and I am almost begging him to take it back and for us to just be okay. I know its stupid but I love him so much. For 3 days now, I am tempted to text him and I always give in. He said he will change his number if I don’t stop talking to him. Of course I’m afraid he really would but I can’t help it. It makes me happy when I get to talk to him even if he is mean to me. He even said that I should tell myself that I hate him over and over again and that’s best for both of us. I told him he doesn’t know what’s best for me. I want him back and this is just depressing. I am trying to tell myself that I have to let him go but I just can’t. I feel sick. I broke down many times already for the past 3 days. I asked God to give me the strength to move on but it just seems so hard right now. I don’t know what to do.
I just want to say that today, I was able to resist the temptation to contact him. As in NO text messaging him AT ALL. I feel sort of empowered that I can do this again and hopefully one day it won’t hurt anymore…
ok I am tempted to text him now just like that…ugh this is a nightmare…
my boyfriend told me a month into the relationship that he was still having emotional attachment to a girl he had been in love with before he met me. But she was not responding to him b/c she had experienced a rape in her past so is unable to trust or deal with his “intense emotions”…. We stayed together for 4 months after that and became very very close- I thought for sure he was falling in love with me the way he acted and treatedme- introducing me to his family etc… but after 4 months I asked him about his feelings for her and if they’d changed and he said no. He hoped meeting me would heal these feelings for her but b/c the still have contact (only via writting b/c sjhe doesnt want to talk on phone) he has hopes that he can win her over one day. He and I got very close = he told me he loved me and thought “I might be the one for him” but he aslos said “but she might be the one too and I need to explore that to find out for sure”. He asked for time to figure his heart out and now he wants to be frineds with me.
I have been so heartbroken and sad – thinking of him all the time….I am confused what to do. Hes been calling me and Im not sure if hes jjust trying to be poilite or if he misses me. I dont know what to do b/c I do have a secret hope we may get back together one day when/if he can resolve his issues with this old love. Any advice? He called me 2x yesterday…. I dont know if I should call back?
The friend zone just…sux. 4 1/2 years with someone in an LDR, but because of the economy, plane fares were too costly this past year. Literally one day to next, affirmations of undying love from him to nothing. When asked, he’d been going through depression and instead of discussing anything with me about our relationship, without my knowledge started seeing a fledgling psychologist. This psych101 told him that among the family problems he had, because we weren’t together, he should consider the depression our relationship caused. Poof…disappearing act! ALL WITHOUT ANY INPUT FROM ME. I have trouble believing any psychologist worth you know what would recommend dropping someone without explanation, but now he wants to be friends?? Calling me and emailing me will not allow either of us to move on, and as far as I’m concerned, anyone who allows a third party to decide for them how to run their relationship is weak. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior, so I just can’t see how I could trust him to be there for me emotionally even if we got back together. I would love to think we could be friends, but you can’t just watch someone you are that deeply emotionally committed to be with other people, and new loves don’t want you in contact with old flames. Hard to think about, but I just have to wean him off so he is free to follow his psychologist’s advice…too bad he can’t figure it out for himself because at the end of the day, he has to go home to his personal stuff, and his “psychologist” goes home to his own personal stuff.
ok..I dated this guy in high school ,my jr year ( im almost 20) We had a turbulent relationship. We dated off and on. We would get together for a month or 2 and then breakup for a while then get back together. Etc, Eventually I fell in love with him, problem was he didn’t love me.
So we permanently broke up.
I took comfort in one of my guy friends, We started dating and recently got married.
We have a wonderful , generally harmonious relationship.
We love each other very much.
The thing is that I cried about my ex months into my new relationship, till this day I think part of my heart is still broken.
I have tried not to contact him these past 2 years because he is my ex and my husband hates him for breaking my heart.
But my ex and I both go to a small community college where we would run into each other eventually, and I contacted him to say hi…( somehow I still knew his cell number)
And now after his class gets out were meeting for lunch…
I don;t know If I still harbor positive feelings for my ex but I feel that the way we ended our relationship was very abrupt. I feel that things never got resolved properly.
I am happy with my husband and not looking to get back into a romantic relationship with my old flame, but for some reason I still want to know how he’s been and whether he’s finally happy..
I thought that all the feelings I had for him , were gone.
Including the pain and anxiety that I feel when he’s around.
The last time I saw him in person, was about 4 months after we broke up , I had a panic attack and punched a wall so hard I broke a couple knuckles.
I’m not looking for any comments that say that it’s not healthy to see him..I know this.
I’m more looking for people that have a similar situation , so we can share insights and feelings.
I mainly just wanted to write this out as some sort of therapy.
I also wanted to write this out where its not going to be stored on my laptop wher my husband can find it and freak out about it.
I completely understand why my husband hates him.
I just don;t understand why I feel the need to see my ex..
I was with my boyfriend for about 7 months. EVERYTHING was going great….and I kid you not… EVERYTHING. We almost never fought, just had a few mild disagreements here and there, when we were together we had the best time, we laughed, and conversed about almost everything…. we basically meshed. After about 5 months, I asked him where this relationship was going… if it was just “hanging out and then fooling around afterwards” or if this was heading towards a long term thing. He didn’t give me a straight answer… that should have been a red flag right there. He told me then to give it about a month to think things through, and we’ll get back to each other. After a month, we were back together but things just did not seem right with him. I hardly saw him, his phone calls dropped from about every day to once a week. By then i knew the relationship was heading no where. I confronted him about it and he said, Yeah, i think we should talk (the most horrible words in the english language). He then said he doesn’t see it working out long term and that we should end things. He said he still has very strong feelings for me and does not want me out of his life, and still wants to remain friends. Its been a week since we have had that conversation, and I have not heard back from him. FIrst, I’m devastated that he could end things when they were going so great. Second, if he wants to stay friends, why haven’t i heard from him yet? (I don’t think I will either) I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m crushed that he could do this to me. I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t enjoy anything anymore. I look at my phone every 30 seconds to see if he has called or texted, and every time, I am dissapointed. I really feel like contacting him but i know that’s the wrong thing to do. I want him back, I love him. I really don’t know what to do.
Oh by the way, he was 10 years older than me. I am 22 and he is 32… that’s why I always thought that he would be in this for the long term thing, rather than just fooling around. I guess I was wrong.
painful, stupid am i. i knew that it was due, that this guy was too good to be true. always being patient & understanding, always calling me, but deep inside i knew. he wouldn’t let me see his house, after a year! , i just went along as i lived far away. what an idiot i have been. i hope there still is love out there for me. i will cut off all contact. he could not even call me. he just quit calling. what a jerk! thxfor letting me vent!
So , I went and visited with my old flame, and now we’ve been visiting with each other alot lately.
In fact every day for the past couple days.
I feel that we could become friends again.
And it seems to be going that way.
my ex ( adrian) and I were friends a long while before we dated.
and it seems that the friend thing always worked out far better than the dating thing.
He knows I’m married, and Ive established that I don’t want to get into a romantic relationship with him again.
I know that becoming friends with him agan may not end well for me,him or my marriage.
My husband doesnt know that adrian and I are talking again, but he woud be upset if he found out.
( my husband feels like he was my second choice,( and he tottaly hates adrian) which technicaly he was but him and I have a far beter relationship than my ” 1st” choice)
I don’t know how ts gonna turn out withh adrian.
I’ve always liked talking to him, we always have ntersting conversations, except for the akward one we had last week where it had been over 2 years since we talked in person.
I don’t really know if I still have romantic feelings for him. I don’t think I do , but I feel there’s always going to be room in my heart for my first love.
I don’t even know why I feel the necessity of typing all this out.
I guess this is my therapy, I cant realy talk to anyone about this because its complicated, and the person whom I woud normally talk to about stuff , doesnt need to know.
I missed adrian for a while after him and I broke up.
I don’t miss him now, but seeing him just brightens up my day
.
fyi ghostroses=caitlin
Ghostroses/Caitlin
Any relationship you are keeping from your spouse is an inappropriate relationship. Be honest with yourself. Figure out what you want before you break your husband’s heart.
I am a 19 year old who’s gf decided she needed a break, most of the people in threads on here were in long term relationships unlike me and gf of eight months but meh. So this was my first real serious relationship and so was hers. It happened so that her college and my uni ended up being in the same town, we were looking forward to spending a lot of time together and learining more about each other.
Everything was jolly up untill last week when on a tuesday night i wanted to see her and tried calling her 3 times but she never answered or sent a txt back. I thought that was definetly weird. The next morning I chatted online with her and she made an excuse that she had to go do laundry and what not. I later found out that she was with her new found bff “talking” about “stuff”. So i called her in the evening and told her I didnt like whatever she was trying to do and we came to a conclusion to talk it over that night. I went over and she said that we weren’t connecting anymore and also that she didnt have the same amount of feelings for me. She said that she wanted a break from me. I was obviously broken hearted. The next morning after i realized that i was letting my first love slip away and went into desperation mode and tried to get a hold of her by any means possible. By the evening i got a txt saying that she will talk to me, so I went over and pleaded on my knees to have her take me back. It didn’t happen! I had also promised that if she saw me that night I would not bother her anymore untill she contacted me. It has been a week since the “break” and i have stuck to my plan. We used to see each other almost everyday so I’m wondering if she might be missing me already or not.
Now I’m no maestro at realtionships and I know the first mistake I made was by suffocating her on the first day of the proposed “break” but I lover her a lot and want her back. She is really nice girl from a great family and so far I have not heard about any other guy in her life.
At her college she only knows one person from our old city and I heard from our close friend say that she doesn’t think too highly of this person. So I’m wondering if she is just overwhelmed by the new town and no friends.
I want to know if I should call her back and if yes then when should I call her back?
If a week is enough for her to heal and start thinking about us again. Also what could I do to make her remember the good times we spent together? I was thinking about taking her back to all the places where we had our significant firsts (date, kiss etc..).
@ Ali
I don’t know if its the same with guys but I read the book “He’s just not that into you” and it says there that if he wants to talk, he would call. if he wants you back then he would do something about it. I guess don’t contact her for the meantime. Give her space. One more week and then perhaps contact her, if she still doesn’t then its time to move. I know it’s easy to say but it’s REALLY hard to do it. I’m still stuck to whether I move on or hold on. Good luck. Hope it works out for you.
I’ve read and listensed form many different people saying to hold out for longer and many other saying to call her back. Thing is that she has a week off from school and went back to her home. I wonder if hse might have had enough time to think things over. I believe if I dont call her she might think that I’m not interested anymore but I will be for a long time. I have taken steps to stop thinking about her so I’m partially prepared for the onslaught if it does eventually happen. Over the past weekend I consoled myself that I am still very young and that there are many more oppurtunities abound. I’m thinking of calling her the upcoming weekend and so I hope for my own sake that she picks her cell and answers it. I don’t want it to be a full on “will you take me back” convo but rather a “hi, how have you doing” dealios.
Thanks for the sound advice and I wish you luck too.
Hey there…
My girlfriend and I broke up after three and a half years, with her doing the break saying that she was not feeling the same, and that she needed to get a good footing on her life and direction. In the background there was a bad situation she was dealing with in regards to her 20 something son’s crazy girlfriend, who also lived in the downstairs of the townhouse. I literallt watched the house disintegrate and saw her demeanor sharply change. It’s funny but in my eyes we were seemingly on the ‘best page’ of our relationship and all was going well. But if all of you look within your relationships (I’m a behavioral psych guy by profession) you CAN see telltale signs of their emotional removal. She was always very touchy and cuddly and that began to change, and her sharpness and tone (biting comments to mine sometime) arose out of nowhere. She was also grappling with losing touch with church…herself..and on and on. It has only been into its second week of ‘silence’ and I still feel pretty broken up inside but no matter how many times I feel the urge to call, text, or drop an email…I put this vision of a HUGE STOP SIGN in my mind. Do it…I’m telling you it works. I will say this. I love her very much and one of the hardest things to get over for me initially was the ‘rejection’ and words that she had “fallen out of love with me”. That is a hard slap. But I agree with a poster from wayyyy back here when they said that if you were the one dumped, the emotional upheaval is far worse. Think about it people, she/he had thought of this breakup and arose to the point of doing it. No matter if you see it coming or if it comes out of the blue, you are still left numb, hurt, and broken. DON’T CALL though…garner your strength…put up your stop signs and say..”no way.” Any contact, especially at the beginning will make you look weak and will cause just a lack of respect on the other end. I hate the adage but.. “if you love someone set him/her free. If they come back to you they are yours to keep. If not, they were never yours to begin with.” It is tough and my heart is not beating the same way but with each day comes a new building of strength. Hang in there. (*Oh…almost forgot…she was a long time smoker but quit for years and just before our break as I watched stressors hit her…the cigs and matches made an appearance too. I have played/coached sports my whole life and there is nothing more disgusting (sorry smokers) than kissing an ashtray. Soooo that is a ‘negative’ (even though she is absolutely gorgeous) I keep in my mind if I even contemplate a call, text or email. I envision her smoking, smelling it on her clothes…all. NO CALL…not now and with the way she displayed her TRUE self…probably NEVER*
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