Are you as sad as our pooch?
From 35 emails, 18 texts, 9 calls, 5 voicemails and daily visits to NOTHING? Is that what we’re asking you to do – cut off all contact with your ex? It’s actually not sad, because the thought of not seeing or speaking to your ex is so painful that it almost seems like a joke. Yet, no one is laughing. You know what else isn’t funny? Refreshing your email 100 times a day and checking every other man made mobile device waiting for a beacon of hope. It’s exhausting. Well, it’s time to make a change. You can stop contacting your ex and start healing. You can. You will. We will help.
First, let’s look at the problem. You can last a few days with no contact riding off some anger and the encouragement of friends, but then it happens. You are alone with your blackberry, watching tv and you see a commercial you both loved…
You stare at your phone and the most urgent reason to call him manifests: I still have his favorite socks. I wouldn’t want him going to the gym and run on the treadmill without socks. I think I heard on Good Morning America that running sockless is linked to a toe infection epidemic. Yes, that’s right, that’s what they said. This is definitely an emergency. I should definitely call him.
Others decide it’s time to will the phone to ring or vibe with a new text. Yes, I will stare at the phone and use my telepathic powers to make her contact me. Wait! Maybe there is something wrong with the phone. I should make an outgoing call to make sure. Oh, ok, it works. Wait! In the three seconds I was dialing, maybe she called and got thrown into voicemail and thought I ignored her call. Ok, I should definitely call her.
If you want to contact your ex, you will find a reason. Likewise, if they want to contact you, no reason in the world would keep it from happening. It is up to you to cut the contact. Does it make you feel better to get a message from your ex? Sure. Does it get you through the night to send a little text and hear something back? Perhaps. However, in the end, you don’t get what you want from them and the contact makes you feel worse. Your greater goal is to get over this heartache and contact is not moving you towards this goal. Every contact is just delaying the healing process.
Here are 8 Ways to Help you go Cold Turkey!
1. Take Care of Business – Get a box and pack up keys, clothes, kids (ok, not the kids), but all other items he or she will want back. Ship them to your ex.
2. Identify your Weak Points - When do you want to call or contact the person most? Think about it. Ready? Ok, write it down. Now be conscious of your weak points and when you hit one, use #3 to combat your temptation to make contact.
3. Create an Arsenal of Distractions – Make a list of things that you can do instead of contacting your ex. (i.e. Calling a friend, going outside, taking a shower etc.) Use these when something in #2 creeps up.
4. Find your 3 Doosies – Write down your three biggest reasons for not contacting your ex. One might be because I always feel worse after I hang up the phone. Put them on post-its and stick them next to every electronic device you have.
5. Quit Online Stalking – Make it stop. Delete your ex from Facebook, Twitter, Gchat etc. Develop new online habits. See our Box it Up step for further instruction.
6. Fancy Not Meeting You Here – Don’t frequent the places you used to frequent together. This one is kind of a Duh! If you are intentionally going to places you think you will run into your ex, stick one of the post-its from #4 on your head.
7. Back away from the Blackberry – Put the phone in another room at night. When you are out having a drink, hand the phone to your friends to reduce temptation. Vow to only check it 1-2x per day.
8. At a Minimum, Try the Lite Recovery Plan – If this is too much to bear, we get it. This is the slower route, but it will eventually get you into the fast track. Try cutting out one form of communication per week. First calls, then emails, then texts, you get the picture.
Having problems executing any of the steps above? Have further suggestions? Let us know by posting a comment.
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Btw Robert, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. WE ALL WILL. Stay hopeful (;
Hello all..
Hopeful, I needed to share something that is very timely and came from my friend Jennifer from Massachusetts..a lifelong friend. Her husband and I are equally great friends! She was a sounding board like ‘Trying’ and ‘Sarah’ for seemingly forever and knew that most recently I was spiraling down badly. Read below her words..so very rich and full of sound reality. I hope you find it useful too. I need to climb up now and feel what she means…as do you. Take good care and I hope you are well…Robert *See below*
Jennifer said…
Such a love Robert. When you give your heart, mind, and soul away to the one you love, LOVE rewards you with its joy and beauty. Love is not a temporary “feeling.” It is a constant giving.
You suffer so very much because you have loved so deep and so well, and now you found that you have lost half of your being. You’re sickened by the thought of someone else near her, because in your heart, she still belongs to you. The sense of oneness you shared was not meant to be broken, nor did you feel it would be. You sit home in pain at night and in the early morning and cannot imagine romantic love and passion without her. Thus, it is only natural to hold fierce disdain for anyone else seeking her attention and one day possessing one you love. I have known this pain myself in the past, and it is overwhelmingly devastating to the mind, body, and soul. Your identity vastly changes, is stripped away, and painful emptiness seems to envelope your entire being.
It is impossible for the the mind to tell the heart to heal faster Robert. The heart fondly recalls that which soothed your soul once. But it is your strong, vibrant mind and not your aching heart that will save you in all this. Let your mind lead you through all the stages, possibly ones you missed because you could not accept that your relationship ended ….anger, grief, solitude, inner peace, and ultimately acceptance. As long a you allow yourself to keep rolling the past around in your head, you will remain frozen. You have been ‘stuck’ for far too long.
When one you loved has offered words stating that they themselves have “moved on,” then all you are left to do is painfully acquiesce to that same mindset. I know this is easier said than done. I know you well and you’re carrying such intense pain for so long has crippled your heart far too long. Let her go Robert and live your life. You are a warm, handsome, sweet, loving man and any woman would feel gifted to be in your presence. I am gifted simply by knowing and loving you as a cherished friend…always there for me in my own times of need. NOW is YOUR time of need. It seems simplistic but stop the trauma and feel the sunshine on your face and relish in ‘loving you’ again. Quite honestly, if you keep feeling the same pains, torturing yourself with images of her and what she is doing in her life…doing the same things in a vaccum, merely expecting things to magically change, then you will get absolutely nowhere. I know you well. Your true heart and mind, disengaged from all of this sadness does too.
Hey all, I just wanted to check in and say that I hope you guys are doing well.. I’m doing much better thanks to you guys. I’ve come to the realization that if someone doesn’t love you why should you love them? I’m not dwelling anymore.. because he’s not the same person. He doesn’t care anymore if he hurts me. Which sucks, but shit happens. I’m learning to let go and let God. I hope you guys are all great. Hugs, Hopeful.
Hey ‘Hopeful’…all,
It’s funny isn’t it how you feel as if you have turned a corner, or felt better in a way that made you ‘think’ you are free and clear of pain and bad feelings? I guess as human beings we are all hit in ‘waves’ almost akin to standing waist high in water at the ocean and being rocked when you least expect it…knocked off balance. For me, September marks a full calendar year since my breakup (aside from on again..off again things like most) and STILL there are days when something rocks me, and nights when alone as I recall something we did or a time that invokes emotions in us. Hopeful, in many ways your relationship mirrors my own in that our ex-significant other is the one who pulled the trigger on the end…basically dumped us. I think in that deepest sense of rejection, there are few human emotions that compare to the jolt of someone ending a relationship and as you said…..”they do NOT love you anymore.” I don’t care what rock solid foundation you may think you possess, but when you are dumped vs doing the dumping, there is a significant difference in the whole acceptance thing. For me, I struggle with visualizing her “dating” and ultimately becoming intimate…physical with another. I really struggle with that. I am not of the same mindset right now and cannot date as she seeks to in her life. I am just not there yet and very frustrated that eventually any romantic interlude WILL carry some level of sensual/sexual intimacy. THAT is my deepest struggle…believing that she will come back one day and we will share our love again..FANTASY LAND! A friend of mine asked the other day, “Robert…if she all of a sudden shifted gears and said I would love to see you again…let’s fix this thing. What would you say?” I said I would probably not entertain it because too much damage has been done within the heart. But ask yourself if you were faced with that same dilemma, how would you react? Whew…one year approaching in September since all this heartbreak began…almost unfathomable. I probably appear as a man stuck…obssessed…unable to “move on” as I was told to do. I guess for some like me, you “move on” when you feel it is time and your truest senses of grieving and acceptance arises. Hopeful, I do hope you are o.k. and have not been sucked in over the whole mental gymnastics thing. Ah yes…our minds DO play tricks on us, as well as haunt us sometimes don’t they? We just all need to stay strong and day by day keep in mind EXACTLY what you said above Hopeful……”if someone doesn’t love you why should you love them?” They are losing no sleep at all and in all likelihood because of the differences in emotion, are probably already on that whole damn dating thing. They HAVE moved on. Sometimes it takes us a bit longer…Strong, warm hugs, Robert
Hi all,
Robert,
It’s funny how you said that “our minds play tricks on us.” I was doing great. I was absolutely wonderful. Until yesterday morning. I was talking to a friend and she told me that he asked her about me. She said that I was good. and several time throughout the night he asked, “so, she’s good?” When she told me, I felt as if all the pain came rushing back. The nerve of him. What, am I SUPPOSED TO BE MISERABLE? Well, I’m NOT. Anyway, I let her know that for future references.. I DONT want to know. I don’t want to know anything about him. And I was on with my life again. I was fine. Then I got a missed call from him. What the f*ck? I didn’t call back. I don’t want to. But some part of me is curious. But the other part is more dominant. That part of me is MAD. I don’t understand why he feels the need to call and ask about me. I am doing fine without him, is that so hard to believe? Sure, I have my moments of loneliness, but I’d rather be lonely that talk to him. There is no good that will come out of talking to him. I do not want to know what he’s up to. Why hurt myself? I want this pain to stop. I don’t want to know anything.
Hi I’m back and I need to vent. So my ex came back….lured me back to him….said the words I’ve been longing to hear from him, I actually believed him…yeah I’m an idiot. 2 days after, he took it all back. He said he hates me that I should just go back to where I came from because I am not wanted here. (I moved in the same state as he is, to be with him supposedly). Few days after, he is flirting with my BEST friend. He sent me a text message just to ask for her number. It made me really depressed/upset/angry. He tried to make me feel better not because he wanted to but because my friend told him to try cheer me up. They are so damn insensitive. I told him, he’s killing me. His answer was “Stop being difficult. You made me do it” I don’t know what to do. I’ve been on this before but I don’t think I can go through the pain again. Honestly I have been wishing not to wake up anymore or go in a coma or something…ANYTHING that could stop the pain. He doesn’t give a damn because according to him, he hates me and I hate myself too for not being able to accept things.
Hey ‘Hopeful’ and ‘Miracle’ again… ‘Miracle’ I am sad that you were used for bait and drawn back in. In many ways it is what ‘Hopeful’s’ ex is doing to her albeit in a very surrepititous, sneaky kind of way. It all means this. It SUCKS!
Hey…our minds DO play tricks on us for sure but I also believe that WE all ALLOW them to play either one tune or another. Hopeful, that is pure B.S. how he goes sniffing around your friend KNOWING that you will get the news of his queries. That is crap. Then he even adds to the fire by tossing in a phone call. I became best friends with my ex’s (Danielle) brother, who remains crushed by all of this. I was so shocked when it happened…cried on his shoulder and all for what 11 months? Now though like you, my ex made it VERY clear to me that she had “moved on…wanted..needed to date” (still don’t know why she had to express it to me…other than to rub it in and make it even more injurious!!) so now I have had no choice but to keep my emotions, feelings and ALL my words in check. It has now been 2 weeks since any type of contact, and like your feelings Hopeful, it is REALLY for the best! If you borrowed my words above I will steal yours when you said “there is no good that will come out of talking to him.” Think about it. Even though sometimes we can create EVERY reason on Earth to call our ex’s or reach out in some foolish way, to do so only makes us look weak/desperate, PROVES that we have NOT moved on, and just puts US in a bad light all over again. I am sure that his curiosities peaked your own BUT…you WILL knock your ass back ten steps sweet lady if you take a bite out of that poisonous apple. Do NOT do it…maintain the course and channel your thoughts elsewhere. He WANTED GONE…and he got it…good riddance! I am totally running silent. I honestly believe that one day, my ex will see the men out there and snap to attention one day and realize that she had a great, loving, caring guy. Perhaps she will FINALLY (doubting it because no man is perfect) meet the one of her dreams. Guess what though? You, me, Miracle…everyone else suffering here and in the past DO deserve more! Let them go completely and be strong and stay on your path. This will all pass one day. It really will…just sucks right now. Hugs to all, Robert
will it really get better? cause I’ve been trying for over 2 years and I’m still stuck. the memories torturing me and the pain is killing me little by little. I actually want to think I’m dead but then if I am then why do I still feel the pain?
Miracle…
We exchanged words a longgggggg whiloe back and YES I still feel your pain. I believe it DOES get better eventually. Hey I have one full year in so far and it has sucked at times…the depressions…mood swings and you put it best…”stuck!” BUT…I turned to internal anger. Try to focus on ALL the things you HATED or strongly disliked about your ex. REMOVE them from their damn chairs up high…their thrones and dissect them little by little. I believe over this year sometimjes I have glorified my ex’s ‘good’ points and ignored that which WAS very troublesome. When a break happens we MISS the closeness, comfortable nature, and ease of our ex’s but….do we REALLY miss them or that which was easy and nearby? Think about it…get angry a little and stay there. Don’t drift back into pain and agony. They are NOT and they ARE living their lives, dating…having sex (‘Honeymoon Phase’) with another and not even thinking of us…R
Hey Robert…are you ok?
Miracle – it’s been about 2 years for me too….I feel like I am in the same boat as you. I found out that the asshole found another victim. I know he is no good and i deserve better….but I am struggling with him have found someone else. I don’t know what I want anymore….i can’t focus on anything. I know that i have to get over this, but I feel stuck also. (Robert, don’t get upset with me – I am trying….just hard to move forward.) Should be easy, right – the guy is nothing but a liar, cheater and thief. I don’t understand what is wrong with me….do want to believe what he tells me. Is it cause I had been doing it for so long or am I that stupid? I feel so down and empty and he is all happy in his new relationship. I hate this….I hate this feeling and I know it’s up to me to move forward – BUT I DON”T KNOW HOW! How could I have let someone like him into my life and turn it upside down? How damn it!
trying to heal:
I understand. I don’t know if it’s because I love him too much that I let this go on and on or I’m just insanely stupid. He said it too many times, he doesn’t feel the same way anymore. He said we could be friends if I want, but I told him no…that is not what I want. I just want to get over him, erase all the feelings so MAYBE just maybe I can move forward. I am sick and tired of feeling afraid that one day someone could replace me. I don’t even understand why I am afraid when he gave up on us long time ago. Why am I so afraid to lose him when I don’t even have him anymore? They say it gets better in time, does it really? I keep telling myself there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I’m drowning in depression and I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t even know how long I can keep myself together.
Yeah, it’s me again…I can’t sleep. I’m going crazy – feels like more out of my mind. I wish I could turn this off. I even think of it when I go to sleep – what the heck is up with that?
Miracle, Hopeful, and Robert – I don’t know what’s wrong with this world anymore. They freaking left us….so, why in the hell do they bother to come back after a certain time and tell us things, that in the end, hurts us. Leaving us thinking things or what if’s. Sh*t you left, then stay away!
Miracle – I am in the same boat…I feel the same way. Tired of feeling this way for someone who doesn’t care a d*mn about me. Yet, when I found out he has someone new, I panicked. I have went backwards – I can’t think right, I don’t want to eat, I want to cry, but I am tired of crying. When I do cry – i cry hard and I get a headache and want to get sick, but can’t cause I haven’t eaten. And what for? He isn’t feeling any of my pain. Why can’t I stop this? I feel like something is wrong with ME…not him, but me! What’s wrong with this picture?
Also, that “best friend”, I think I would be telling her where to go also. I mean come on – a true friend would never do what she is doing to you.
I was doing so much better. I wish he would just pay me back my money and get out of my life forever!
Miracle – all I can say, we are here for you. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I just have a feeling it’s how we handle this that will get us though it all. I don’t know how yet, but we will get though this. You know how to get a hold of me if you need to talk…ok? Just keep on writing on here and spill your emotions on here…..
Wow, I just went back and re-read some of the old postings….what happen to me? I was so much stronger back in February?!
Just like what you said, Robert – a roller coaster on emotions.
How in the h*ll, do I get off of this ride?!
break up buddy anyone?
yeah can’t sleep too. i have this urge to send him a text message to tell him that he is breaking my heart and that his coldness is just killing me…but really i know it won’t change anything, he won’t come back to me…why the hell I can’t accept that?! he said it himself, he is far from being amazing…he thinks i can’t get over him and i’m actually proving him right by becoming desperate but what can i do? it’s feels like if i don’t talk to him, i would literally stop breathing and die. which is ok too so then the pain would stop right?!
damn me.
Hey, Miracle, please, please don’t send that text. Talk to me…I’m here for you….tell me what you want to tell him.
Miracle….you have to stop doing this to yourself…..we all have to stop doing this to ourselves. It scares me when you talk about how dying would end the pain. Girl, I know your in pain, I feel it…..I too am in pain. You know my whole story – why would I want to be with someone like that? I am so opposite of him. He is like a drug and I am having the hardest time getting him out of my system. But these guys are NOT worth it. We have to stop thinking about them. We have to start thinking different things when they pop up in our minds. One step at a time….1st – need to cut all communications with them….we must do this. We must be strong….don’t tell yourself it will be forever. I think this would only make it worse if we do that….make a goal for yourself. Start with a couple of days, then work up to it. We have to remember when we come in contact with them, it only re-open the wounds. It’s like pouring salt all over it.
Also, Miracle, I am worried about you, my dear. The way you think how the pain could end….please, promise me you won’t do anything to yourself. We on this website, care for you Miracle. I have opened up to you about my story and you have to me also…so, i feel a connection between as friends…so, when you get to thinking this, please try to think of my words on here to you…ok?
“Hopeful” – I am glad to see that Robert has been helping you….he is a good man.
I have been worried a little over a week ago that I ruined something or another with my ex the last time I saw him. he broke up with me 1.5 months ago and there were some head trips I had to endure over him wanting to hurry up and be friends right away and continue to call a few times a week. Well, this did not work for me and I asked for space. I had something I needed to get from him, though, so I think he used this time to call me anyway just to talk. Then, when I saw him and he gave me my stuff as I was leaving town, he acted super friendly and tried to give me a kiss before we parted ways. I was unprepared for this and I guess I acted sort of aloof. I had a lot of hurt and angry feelings and it hurt me just to see him. I get the feeling this hurt him or his ego – the way I acted and I have not heard a peep from him since. I know I asked for space and the positive thought is that he is finally giving it to me. But I also know that he might have been hurt by my somewhat aloofness ( I was also very depressed by then) and he sort of stood in the doorway as I said thank you and have a safe trip, yourself. I think he was expecting more of a sign from me and I couldn’t give him one. I am worried now that a friendship will just be tense and he is now hurt and is getting back at me in some way thinking I don’t care or something. He never had much empathy for me and I can see him never speaking to me again over this – because things did not go his way. I don’t know. It’s just something I worry about it and It’s made me want to reach out and say something nice to him, but then I just can’t. Should I just let it go and figure if he can’t understand that and be open to being friends later, then who needs him? It’s just been really hard. I don’t know if he understands why I need space, though I explained it to him.
And by the way, who reaches out to be friends first? I asked for space and no contact and it’s been 9 days now and I am proud of myself. He broke up with me, wanted to be friends, but I am the one who asked for space. We never said when that would end. Should I wait for him to contact me at some point since he broke up with me? I think this is the way it should go. Mostly, because I don’t really trust myself not to be hurt as hell if I do reach out to him and he is uninterested in my friendship. We broke up before and he was not very nice at times and then came running after me as a friend on HIS terms. That kind of person I can deal with that as long as we are not going to be dating anymore. I want to continue to do art with him and I think he is right that we can be better friends than lovers. Thoughts?
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