Are you as sad as our pooch?
From 35 emails, 18 texts, 9 calls, 5 voicemails and daily visits to NOTHING? Is that what we’re asking you to do – cut off all contact with your ex? It’s actually not sad, because the thought of not seeing or speaking to your ex is so painful that it almost seems like a joke. Yet, no one is laughing. You know what else isn’t funny? Refreshing your email 100 times a day and checking every other man made mobile device waiting for a beacon of hope. It’s exhausting. Well, it’s time to make a change. You can stop contacting your ex and start healing. You can. You will. We will help.
First, let’s look at the problem. You can last a few days with no contact riding off some anger and the encouragement of friends, but then it happens. You are alone with your blackberry, watching tv and you see a commercial you both loved…
You stare at your phone and the most urgent reason to call him manifests: I still have his favorite socks. I wouldn’t want him going to the gym and run on the treadmill without socks. I think I heard on Good Morning America that running sockless is linked to a toe infection epidemic. Yes, that’s right, that’s what they said. This is definitely an emergency. I should definitely call him.
Others decide it’s time to will the phone to ring or vibe with a new text. Yes, I will stare at the phone and use my telepathic powers to make her contact me. Wait! Maybe there is something wrong with the phone. I should make an outgoing call to make sure. Oh, ok, it works. Wait! In the three seconds I was dialing, maybe she called and got thrown into voicemail and thought I ignored her call. Ok, I should definitely call her.
If you want to contact your ex, you will find a reason. Likewise, if they want to contact you, no reason in the world would keep it from happening. It is up to you to cut the contact. Does it make you feel better to get a message from your ex? Sure. Does it get you through the night to send a little text and hear something back? Perhaps. However, in the end, you don’t get what you want from them and the contact makes you feel worse. Your greater goal is to get over this heartache and contact is not moving you towards this goal. Every contact is just delaying the healing process.
Here are 8 Ways to Help you go Cold Turkey!
1. Take Care of Business – Get a box and pack up keys, clothes, kids (ok, not the kids), but all other items he or she will want back. Ship them to your ex.
2. Identify your Weak Points - When do you want to call or contact the person most? Think about it. Ready? Ok, write it down. Now be conscious of your weak points and when you hit one, use #3 to combat your temptation to make contact.
3. Create an Arsenal of Distractions – Make a list of things that you can do instead of contacting your ex. (i.e. Calling a friend, going outside, taking a shower etc.) Use these when something in #2 creeps up.
4. Find your 3 Doosies – Write down your three biggest reasons for not contacting your ex. One might be because I always feel worse after I hang up the phone. Put them on post-its and stick them next to every electronic device you have.
5. Quit Online Stalking – Make it stop. Delete your ex from Facebook, Twitter, Gchat etc. Develop new online habits. See our Box it Up step for further instruction.
6. Fancy Not Meeting You Here – Don’t frequent the places you used to frequent together. This one is kind of a Duh! If you are intentionally going to places you think you will run into your ex, stick one of the post-its from #4 on your head.
7. Back away from the Blackberry – Put the phone in another room at night. When you are out having a drink, hand the phone to your friends to reduce temptation. Vow to only check it 1-2x per day.
8. At a Minimum, Try the Lite Recovery Plan – If this is too much to bear, we get it. This is the slower route, but it will eventually get you into the fast track. Try cutting out one form of communication per week. First calls, then emails, then texts, you get the picture.
Having problems executing any of the steps above? Have further suggestions? Let us know by posting a comment.
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All of these steps make sense to me now, but when I get the strong urge to contact him – seems like nothing helps. I can’t focus on anything else and the urge gets worse. I know what will happen if I do contact him and even play it out in my head…..but, it doesn’t stop those feelings. Its so draining and I am tired of it.
Hey there ‘tryingtoheal’… I was in a three year relationship, one in which we moved in together and then had a falling out and felt it best to break the live-in thing. BUT…we worked through many a thing and at least in my eyes, I felt that we had turned a significant corner and seemed to be getting along incredibly well. She had many stressors hit her all at once and suddenly OUR relationship moved back under a microscope. It has hit me hard (2 months now not seeing each other…sporadic email/text contacts and now nada…very painful) and like you, I remain deeply pained and ’stuck’ I guess. I DO feel your pain and am trying hard to hit the gym, write (a love..published writer) and do things to take the ‘brain off the pain’. I concur with your thoughts. Robert
What do I do when I have his kid. Do I have to have contact with him? I don’t want to but eventually I suppose he will try to see our son
Hello again… Not sure if ‘tryingtoheal’ is still here but trust me…I feel ALL that you spoke of. I actually spoke to my ex g/f over the holidays and just the sound of her voice took me back again. I am a lot less pained than I was but just a simple sound of a voice CAN and DOES hurtle you back a few strides. She REALLY hurt me when she coldly walked away and left me numb and cold. I am NOT going to put my heart out there again…not worth it. Hey ‘bcrsg’…I think in your situation you have no choice but to remain in some kind of civil contact. BUT with that said, keep your contacts non-personal and business like no matter how much it hurts. That way YOU stay in control and cannot be hurt twice. This is so hard but time does heal some of the wounds..not all as the saying goes but most. Robert
Hi, Robert! Thank-you for your advice/support. How are you doing? I’m doing better, but I still have a bad day that comes up every once in awhile.
we were supposed to work things out, and then i found out he just asked his ex for a date…so i decided to end everything….it was hard for me to say goodbye but i had to…now i want to take it back. it really hurts…this just happened about 3 hours ago. why do i feel horrible?
Hey ‘Tryingtoheal’ …It’s funny you ask but just before work today on my drive in, and before that while having coffee ‘D’ (my ex/g-f) arose in my head. She was very deep within and all of a sudden I was washed over in this intense pain. When in a long term relationship, we all become accustomed to each other’s routines…rituals etc. Well I knew that she was out the door at six and before she left every morn, we would sit and talk and share a cup of coffee and kiss goodbye…start our day. The images for me were vivid and somewhat troubling. ‘D’ had been hurt in her past before and I always did my best to walk her through tough times when she relapsed back and recalled a past best forgotten. I can’t say ‘why’ I have been relapsing lately but I have. I do a lot of writing on the side and have been published a couple times. I have done my best to write and cleanse a little but sometimes there ARE deep rooted pains that are very difficult to ferret out. I find writing to be very medicinal and recently decided to write a piece called the ‘Unsent Letter.’ In it I exorcised demons of sorts from our relationship and on the advice of a counselor, I got ‘angry’ and said the things that REALLY bothered me about the way I was dumped, excluded from her life, and quite frankly…cast aside…rejected. I spoke of losses of self esteem, personal dignity..all! It was very helpful trust me but let’s face it, when we REALLY ‘love’ someone…not a ‘lust’ thing or born from mere infatuation etc., it takes a LONG while to STOP loving them…yes? (*I work in the behavioral field in law enforcement and sometimes I think too much for my own good*)
‘Miracle’…. You feel horrible because you let yourself down and felt humiliated. If he went so far as to ask his ex out for a date, trust me he has been harboring those thoughts for more than a while. Step wayyyyyyyy back and recoil and REALLY look at things for what they are. If you put yourself out there and become his doormat, you will allow him to step back into your life as if nothing happened. Equate it to scratching at a scab because it itches but you know that each time, by doing so it will NEVER heal. Treat your heart the same way ‘Miracle’. Let it and him go and inch by inch you will find levels of personal happiness. Robert
Hello, Robert…I am sorry to hear the pain you was feeling this morning. How long ago did the relationship end? You know, I tried to write down my feelings. Thinking this would help me, but I would end up writing about the anger inside. Then I ended up more ticked about everything that happen. So, I had to stop doing that for awhile. Then I started to go for walks, which turned into running til I couldn’t breathe. I was tired of feeling this pain my “ex” caused me, I wanted to feel a different type of pain. One that I had control over, not from my “ex”.
My “ex” like bass fishing…tonight I was out with some of my friends at a restaurant. While they were talking, I was looking around at the walls. They had all sort of animals mounted on them – the one in front of me was a big bass. My friends were still talking, but everything drowned out once I seen that. My heart start to ache for him. (Dang him for doing this to me.) So, I guess my point is – doesn’t matter why or what makes us relapse. We just have to work thru it and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. One day at a time….we will have bad ones and then we will have days that we can handle it a little better.
I like what you said about when you REALLY love someone – “it takes a LONG while to STOP loving them…..so, true!
You do a lot of writing on side, what have you had published?
“Miracle” – hang in there…all of this is new to you, that is why it hurts so bad. I agree with Robert’s advice.
it’s not really new. we’ve broken up 3 times in 2 years that we’ve been together, he said we will work things out but then at the same time he has girls on the side. he said he loves me and that he can’t live without me and i feel the same way towards him as well. he is my first love and i am certain that he is the one for me, but right now it hurts so much. i said goodbye but i want to take it back so bad. i just want to be with him…i would sell my soul to the devil if i have to…he is my life….i just dont know if i can survive this.
Hey ‘Trying’ and I am gathering ‘Miracle’ is still here as well. ‘Trying’…never got your first name? Our relationship ended in mid-September and recovery internally has been very slow…often times at a snail’s pace. I ‘hate’ the premise of ‘time heals all wounds’ and recently wrote what I called an ‘Unsent Letter,’ which many of the alleged experts recommend to do rather than mailing/emailing something to an ex. I am pasting right below this paragraph, most of what I wrote. I hope I don’t bore anyone to tears but I think it touches on what we all think about;
“They say that time heals all wounds but all it’s done so far is give me more time to think about how much I miss you.” ~Elizabeth Wilder~
“If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.” ~Attributed to Claudia Ghandi~
These two expressions above say it all from my perspective. I really wish I could say that the passage of time has healed my heart but I cannot. I sat here today writing alone on Valentine’s Day, a day when couples normally share togetherness. All that I can think about is how very much I ‘miss’ everything that was ever simple and easy about you…us for that matter when enjoying time spent. I just always felt I ‘got you’ and never thought we would actually be where we are…that pieces could be put back together. I believe that is why I always said I wanted to be “your last man.” I know that you cannot possibly fathom what I feel because you were the one who ended the relationship, and your emotions were clearly not the same as mine. I guess in many ways a great deal of what I write here is my ‘angry’ letter because quite frankly, the loss of ‘us’ has penetrated the deepest parts of my tired heart and soul. Sometimes I can barely sleep or wake up energized at all because of how I feel. I have been thinking…even recently writing about how some people come into our lives sometimes, yet they have no real, discernible impact in our world. With you D’Mia, I have struggles too, yet they come from the footprints within my heart and soul from time shared with YOU. I have honestly never felt whole again outside of your presence. I feel I am moving each day at a snail’s pace because accepting that I ‘lost you’ feels so very cold and foreign. I believe you underestimated me when I said over and over I would “do anything” to regain your trust and find a common path for us. That “anything” was all-inclusive and sincere. The statement above about “time and the healing of all wounds” has always grated my ass for a lifetime. I believe you heal out of a sense of acquiescence that you must do what you must do to simply feel better and all the while, accepting the fact that the premise is not graceful. That type of prose to me is stale and lacks human compassion.
It is said that the second most intense life stressor is a loss of love. The first is death, but I question this now. Both are final. Both, in most cases, result in the physical removal of someone special from your life. I can use my own parent’s deaths as examples when I was very young. Both results in the loss of a way of life we became familiar with. Both have occasions when things you sought to say were never said. With death, you have the peace of knowing you were in your lost loved one’s heart. You were not abandoned purposely, cast aside, or rejected. With death you can take off work and get sympathy. You are given gifts of comfort and understanding. You can go through closing rituals and feel contentment that a loved one is now in a better place.
With breakups, separation, or divorce, even though you have the assurance that one you deeply cared for is still alive somewhere on this Earth, their love was still intentionally withdrawn from you. If one chooses to end a relationship, the one left behind painfully realizes that one you loved opted to leave you. We no longer have their presence, nor their care. It is abundantly clear they no longer want you. Either way, death or breakup, you have little say or control over either situation.
I’ve often wondered if I could have dealt with this loss easier if you had been taken away from me at God’s will while you still loved me, instead of this intentional, direct withdrawal of love on your own volition. I think in many ways my own personal grief would have been less self-destructive and more accepted…socially supported. In my life I have been through both the death of beloved family members, and now the physical and emotional withdrawal of a loved one in losing you. I have to say in my life experiences, grief over breakup, separation, or divorce can be equally as devastating, if not more, than grief over the death of a loved one. In death you lose your loved one’s physical presence in both your present time and your future.
In the loss through breakup, we haven’t just lost one’s physical presence in our lives. We excruciatingly suffer over the loss of their love as well. We experience grief over the loss of their mental, emotional, and spiritual presence too. That doesn’t even address the separate, agonizing losses of our own senses of value and self-worth, our pride, ego, dreams, hopes, internal senses of security, and most of all our feelings of simply being loved. Without a shadow of a doubt, you feel rejected, not good enough, not loveable, unwanted, and cast aside. You feel as one taken for granted and unappreciated for all you have done, and every ounce of support offered. I went from being what I thought was a vital cog in your life to being nothing at all. I was basically shown the door with a mere wave of your hand.
But what kind of people would we be if we didn’t pause in all of this and grieve? Doesn’t our grief stem from our having been loving, devoted, caring, committed, and involved in each other’s lives? Am I the type of person that is so cold, callous, lacking emotion, and self-centered that I could simply dismiss this breakup and walk away unbothered…unscathed? Assuredly that is not me.
*Rather ironic…was thinking the other day (probably too damn much for my own good right?) how odd it is to grasp one concept that “time heals a broken heart,” when weighed against another divergent one that “true love never dies.” All I know over all this time is how much it sucks to be standing here at this very moment with an inability to do anything about it*
Soooooo ‘Trying’ and ‘Miracle’ perhaps you can relate to the ‘unsent letter’ as well. I believe it DOES help to be ‘angry’ and let it out…has a way to cleanse the heart and soul a little. And ‘Miracle’…NEVER EVER compromise your personal dignity and self resepct. You should not “sell your soul to the devil” or believe that a first ‘love’ (one especially where he plays this push..pull game with you…screws around on the side) is a ‘last’ love. To be perfectly honest, I would rather be alone and grieve my loss for a time and strengthen slowly each day then to lay myself out there for someone who will not love me unconditionally in return. WE all deserve reciprocity in our lives. When someone doesn’t appreciate our worth to them…let them find their own sense of serenity and comfort…with someone else! Robert *’Trying’….I can speak about my other writings and share passages with you if you wish. Pop a note to me at robtom89 at the famous ‘Y’ mail site if you wish. Take care and keep your chins up…find the sun through the clouds. R
Hello, Robert – wow! What you wrote, is exactly what I am feeling. I am glad to have found this site. To meet people who truly understand the pain one is going through. By the way, I sent you an e-mail….I hope you got it.
)
Miracle – you say this is your first love and your certain that he is the one for you. I too felt that one about my first love. It’s funny, I seen him last night and mind you – I was crazy for this guy! (You know, can’t wait to see or talk to him and always wanted to be with him and did what I could to be there. Get butterflies when you see that person and all anxious. He makes you feel like your the only one for him and there will be no other. You think that feeling will never end. Right?) Well, like I said he was my first love, but he wasn’t my only one. (He isn’t the reason why I am on this site.) Anyways, to my point – I seen him and you know what, those feelings I felt before, were no longer there for him. Actually, I didn’t even want to talk to him, so, I walked the other way. As a matter of fact, when I seen him – I thought what in the world were you thinking, girl! LOL! (He thought he was a ladies man – notice I said “thought”….I know he has a lot of kids now and has been married a couple of times.) He didn’t amount to anything – he was all talk. I was so blessed that he ended the relationship. I say that NOW, cause I see everything so clearly…but when it all happen at first – it hurt like hell.
Let me ask you something – you say that you love this guy. So, what he has done to you – is that how you would treat the one you love? I don’t think you would. When you love someone, you go out of your way to make sure you DON’T do anything to hurt them. Right now, your scared and you will do anything to hold on to him. You don’t deserve that, Miracle – you are worth so much more then that. He is being selfish – he wants his cake and eat it too and that isn’t fair to you. (If he would come back to you – could you trust him? Or would you be worried and wondering what he was doing or who he was with?) That’s not living and if he was a real man – he would leave you alone – so you can find someone who deserves you and you of them.
Miracle – it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you WILL find someone who deserves your love. Right now, you just have to take it one day at a time. You will survive – some days may be harder then others, but you will make it.
Hey again ‘Trying’ and yes…loved receiving your notes and responded back this a.m. ‘Miracle’…..what ‘Trying’ has said, with words that are true and right on target, is absolutely TRUE! We found our way to this site because we researched the ‘why’s’ of a broken heart and wondered if what we felt was normal. Every emotion we experience after a breakup (especially one where WE are the dumpees) is raw and extremely painful. It carries with it so many losses that we lose track. WE feel unloved, unwanted, ugly and our self esteem absolutely plummets. What ‘Trying’ said is so true at the end. The critical element of ‘trust’ that your alleged boyfriend violated would ALWAYS hover within your mind. Even if you became involved with him again, he would eventually want that cake on the side and away he goes again and you would be dragged back twenty steps from where you are now. ‘Trying’…. you give amazing advice, in spite of your own personal pains and struggles. We ALL deserve someone who will love us unconditionally, and have that love returned in the same ways. It is a one day at a time approach ‘Miracle’ and as I said before, NEVER compromise your integrity…your personal dignity. Stay strong and in many ways…defiantly say… “screw (name the person in your mind) them in my life. I want better…deserve better and one day will find the truest senses of happiness I have ever hoped for.” We ALL deserve sunny days yes? Robert
Miracle – how are you doing?
Hey ‘Trying’…..always great to re-connect with you here as well. We seemingly bonded here as our feelings and experiences seem so eerily similar. I too was worried about ‘Miracle’ and hope she is finding her way and is better. You have been an amazing source of support my sweet friend ‘Trying’. It is beyond words how much pain and anguish you stripped away simply from facing the reality of things. Hugs…Robert
Well, hello here – “Mr Robert”! Yes, it’s nice to re-connect on here. I should be thank-you you also for your help with dealing….I don’t think you know how much you have done. Ref: “Miracle” – yes, I hope she finds her way and is better….just wish she would give us an update.
Take care, Mr. Robert!
)
Well, hello there – “Mr Robert”! Yes, it’s nice to re-connect on here. I should be thanking you for your help with dealing over my heartache….I don’t think you know how much you have done. Ref: “Miracle” – yes, I hope she finds her way and is better….just wish she would give us an update.
Take care, Mr. Robert!
)
hi everyone!
i apologize for not being able to post here, i got sick…oh well, i have stopped myself from talking to him just because that’s what he wanted, it does get easier each day but there are some days that i really wanted to just cry. there was one time, i missed him soo much, i had to “missed” call him…i told him before that if ever i does that, it means i miss him…he probably knows it’s me since according to him i’m the only who calls him with a private number. anyway, i’m really trying my hardest to get on with life. well okay not really my hardest since i gotta admit, i still look at his facebook profile every now and then…just because i miss him. i did send him a message, asking if we could talk…but he just ignored me. he said he broke up with his girlfriend to be with me again…and then i just broke his heart by not showing up when i told him i would. he broke my heart when he asked that girl out when he promised me that we would work things out..or at least try to. he didn’t deny it nor even make me feel better…what he said to me was, he is technically single so of course he would ask girls out…i know what i’m doing right now is not “living life”, i’m still holding on and i dont know even understand myself anymore. i’ve been trying to tell myself that i need to move on before he does because it would hurt me more if i don’t but i just can’t. i’ve been through this before but it seems like i’m in a loop and i’m stuck. i dont want to regret the over 2 years i was with him but sometimes i wonder what if i didn’t let myself fall for him then maybe i would be so much happier now or maybe if i didn’t give in talking to him again when he cut the communication between us before then i wouldn’t be hurting now… ugh i dont know. i want to believe that anything could happen and that if its meant to be then it would but right now i’m losing faith with everything…..
thanks for the concern, tryingtoheal and robert. i hope you are both doing better at least. take care.
Hey ‘Miracle’ and ‘Trying’… Ms. B…you are MORE than welcome for many, many reasons… for your understanding and support helped ME immensely too. ‘Miracle’, I recently penned a short paragraph below and made a vow to myself as the spring creeps closer. Regardless of ‘why’ we all came to be broken, disillusioned, crushed, and felt as if our hearts were needlesly trampled on, we do NOT have to experience day after day in pain while the ‘dumper’ goes on their merry way unscathed. LET THEM WALK! The more we grieve and ‘wish’ and at times feel ashamed of ourselves for being NOT who we are, and letting those that we loved silently but efficiently hurt us…we repeat the circles of pain and self abuse over, and over…and over. This paragraph on this date in March 2010 is my mantra now. Steal it for your own….
People place higher values on what they can’t have, or what they fear losing. When you are rejected or dumped, back off and YOU make their decision final. Don’t be taken for granted! Don’t try to draw them in or seduce them! NEVER try to explain or repair mistakes! Don’t try to be friends! Don’t change who you are, or put on any acts! Simply surgically remove them from your hearts and minds and get on with your life! If they try to get in contact, be polite but keenle and emotionally indifferent! We all know how the mere sound of their voice knocks us back a few pegs…never pushes us forward. Most importantly, DO NOT give them another second of your valued time. Your time NOW is for other things, other people and perhaps soon down the road…another chance at FINDING not FALLING for someone you merely BELIEVE you may love! Finally, if miraculous bridges are repaired and you find yourself somehow back within arms length of one you absolutely adore, do so on your own terms yet from that very first moment on, make it abundantly clear that you will NEVER…EVER be taken for granted! Chances are great that when a couple breaks, it is a rarity that they ever share a bond again. Some wounds remain too deep for repair, and the ones you cannot see…the searing gashes in your heart are NEVER as forgiving. It truly is time to let them go! Our phases of pain move from shock, to denial, on to heartbreak and utter loneliness and despair. You cannot fall any lower than the depths of raw rejection, shame, and self pity. So to hell with it! Rise up and fight the good fight, embrace your friends, and move on with your life. Someone…somewhere out there, knows of your truest values in life and love. Be near to them and you will be guided to safety, and never shall you mourn again. Robert
OMG…horrified…I misspelled “keenly” above…ha!!!!! Robert
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