Choose to Forgive: Making Choices (Part II)

In our first article in the series Making Choices, we discussed the theory of having options and making choices after your break up. In Making Choices Part II, we are going to highlight what choices you actually have and how to make them. The first choice we will discuss is forgiveness.

In my life, I have endured two gut-wrenching, painstaking, ripped-the-heart-out-of-my-chest break ups. One of these was a marriage that ended in a nasty divorce. There were bouts of intense fighting during the marriage, but that was something that was easy for me to forget. The divorce proceedings were vindictive in nature, but those memories dissolved soon after their close. What I could not overlook, what haunted me for years afterward, were the choices I had made that had led me to the marriage. I had known early on that my ex and I were a bad match and I could have prevented the chain of events that resulted in my wedding, marriage, and divorce. I was angry - with myself. I was angry for making such a monumental blunder in judgment. And I was angry at society for branding me with what I felt was the scarlet letter of being a divorcee. I was angry and I was unable to forgive.

I went to a therapist and after many sessions she concluded I was angry (great) and suggested that I forgive myself (ugh). I thought this advice too basic for the $125/hour I was paying her. I also held the notion that forgiveness was a natural process that comes with time, not something that you could invoke. I was wrong on both counts. For me, time continued to renew and deepen my resentment until I fell weak to truly unattractive behavior. I stayed home less work or a food necessity; I was short with friends and family; I transformed into a full on hermit. Each time a memory was triggered of the life I thought I could have had, should have had, I felt more enraged. Fortunately, I stumbled upon the study of positive psychology. It intrigued me because like conventional psychology it was based in science, but it also provided many practical techniques to implement solutions. I finally learned that what my therapist originally suggested was correct – I needed to forgive myself in order to move on. What my research taught me was how I could do this. I would like to share some of these techniques below.

Choose to forgive.

In order for us to forgive, we must understand what forgiveness really means. There are many, many different definitions for forgiveness, but one that resonates in a situation such as heartbreak is one offered by Robert Enright as a “willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly hurt us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love toward him or her.”

We all have a right to be angry and a right to resentment, but we can abandon this privilege if we choose. We can offer someone (ourselves included) undeserving compassion and love.

How can we forgive?

Everett L. Worthington, a renowned researcher who has extensively studied forgiveness says that “you can’t hurt the perpetrator by being unforgiving, but you can set yourself free by forgiving.”  The best part is that Worthington provides us a model for forgiveness that originated from his own struggle to forgive the person who raped and brutally murdered his mother.  Find the model below:

Exercise 1 – Five Steps to Forgiveness – R.E.A.C.H.

R = Recall the hurt by visualizing the event or the circumstance.
E = Empathize with the offender and understand his or her point of view.
A = Altruistic gift of forgiveness. This must be given freely and without self-interest.
C = Commit yourself to forgive publicly.
H = Hold on to the forgiveness.

Each of these steps can be extremely difficult to take and they may take time, so take your time. It is often one of the steps that stump us such as empathizing with the person that has hurt us, but with practice and visualization, this technique as described above is very effective. In terms of a public forgiveness, when you have reached this stage, you can tell your friends and family.

Exercise 2  – Write a Forgiveness Letter

Write a Forgiveness letter to each person or thing you need to forgive. Read it each day and log your thoughts on the letter until you see the change and feel your burden lifting.

Exercise 3  – Make and Contract

“I freely forgive _____________ (person’s name) for ______________ (list out all of the reasons)

Conclusion

The gift of forgiveness to yourself and others is a choice that you can make consciously. The serenity and empowerment you attain from offering forgiveness is agent that will definitively assist your recovery from heartbreak. Tell us about your journey to forgiveness. Tell us if you are angry or what is hindering you from forgiving your ex, yourself, or any one or thing that has hurt you.

Tagged as: Choices, Forgiveness