When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up

Hey Sairi – I know exactly how that feels! You do have the strength to get through this, and seeing you write that reminds me that I do as well. It feels strange to be on my own after 10 years. My life has been linked to this other person in every single way that figuring out life on my own is…confusing, I guess. Well, there are other emotions too: scary, strange, anxiety producing, but in some ways I guess it can be exciting or I hope it will be again some day. In any case, I also know I have the strength to get through this and I will. I was on my own once before and my experience has changed me, but I will be fine on my own again. Writing it out (even here) just helped.

hi, i just broke up with my ex more than a week ago and we’ve been in a relationship for 5 years. At first i had questions why this happened because at first i thought there’s no problem but now i realized i just ignored the red flags in our relationship. He already cheted on me many times and got another girl pregnant during our relationship but i still accepted him hoping that he’ll change for me.But after that , he still cheated which caused me to break up with him for good. He also told me that he’s fed up with our long term relationship. It hurts so much hearing this because i never thought of it that way. I always view our relationship as a part of my life and plans. Now i felt so shattered aand i can’t count how many times i thought of killing myself. But behind me, i also thought that that maybe i could meet someone who will treat me the way i deserve to be treated. But im also afraid to experience the same thing again in the future. Now i feel so lonely..and I dont know whether i wanted to have another relationship or just stay single for life. : (

I left a 6 yr relationship to be with a younger guy I met at school(who said he was 24 when we met) We dated a year in a half. He’s 22 I am 30. Our relationship was very passionate(best sex I ever had). We would fight a lot though because he is very egotistical and selfish at times. Which made me defensive and I would act out. I became very stressed out, I felt I wasn’t being true to myself. We broke up a few times. The last time was for a month I was good, I changed my numb. And everything. But he emailed me and was begging me to come back. Said he was going to change. So I took him back, we dated another month solid. I felt things were getting better. Well, he just moved out of his parents home and has been strugling ever sense. Well, 2 days ago he tells me in a text it’s over and he needs to focus on his life it’s a mess. His family paid for his schooling and now he’s having a change of heart on what he wants to do. I think his ego can’t handle the jobs he’s been in. Anyway, I went to his home like a fool crying. And he wouldn’t budge. Said he loved me but “we are to much to handle.” I told him this isn’t love ” he said “sorry” and that ” he loved me ” a bunch of times. I flipped out on him and tried to slap him. It was ugly. I am devistated I feel betraid. He wheeled me back in and kicked me to the curve. There’s just so much that has gone on I could not explain on a post. This guy brought out a real ugly side of me I’m embaresed. To make him hurt I told him I was getting back with my ex of 6 years. He response wasn’t pretty. Now I feel like crap. Thought about retracking what I said. Even apologizing. But he threw me away like trash? Didn’t even offer friendship(yet). I’m confused my friends say I’m to much for him to handle and that he’s just a boy and to let it be. I’m embaresed, confused, hurt, and mad… Should I never respond ever again and let it go??

I am still on these stages of picking up the pieces. I know that I have to get over him and face my own life. It’s hard and I was dumped . I am not angry of something, I think it is about time for me to move on. Now that he is trying to make things fair for us and he is apologizing for the mess that he has brought into my life.. It’s all over and I need to go too. He doesn’t have to clean his name and do something that can actually ease the pain that he has given me. I will be a stronger person someday.

I was with my ex for over 4 years. we were best friends, soul mates, we were actually perfect for each other it sounds crazy and like such a cliché I know, however there was one catch, we were of different religions and neither family would accept it, so many people have told me to just marry the guy as you should not walk out on love but i would then have to be abandoned by my family. My mum is my everything. After the two year mark hit we tried to end it several times but kept coming back to each other, it was crazy, now we have decided that we should finally end it once and for all. i am devastated as he has repeatedly said we should get married but has said if i wont marry him then he has to move on- although expects us to remain friends i really dont know if this is possible. I have been welcomed into his family with open arms. I just cannot let this go, He is the love of my life and I really cannot deal with him not being in my life, We cannot be friends because i will always love him and it would never truly just be friends, i still want to be with him and he still wants to be with me but if we didnt break up we would have lasted forever. He has always said that he wants to get married and have children young- I just cannot deprive him of these things. I really want to be able to get over this but cannot stop thinking about him for one second. He is keeping himself busy and never contacts me only short harsh replies when i text or call. It feels like such a chore even getting dressed in the morning, I cry all day everyday. I really want to be with him, but I cannot leave my mum. How do i get over him? will i ever be okay again?
Literally Heart Broken

Broken,

I believe people come into our lives for a reason, but that doesn’t mean they’re meant to stay in it. As perfect as the guy may appear, you WILL fall in love again and you will find another just as perfect and better than he is.

What people don’t seem to realize is when you marry a person, ultimately you MARRY their family as well. You must learn to at least tolerate that family and them with you for that relationship to work. There is no way to get around it.

So as perfect as this man may be, he is sadly not the right man for you if you are of completely different religion.

I agree with Broken Again that eventually, maybe not in a year or in a few years, but maybe over 10 or more years, resentment is going to build and eventually a conflict like this will destroy the relationship anyway.

You must find a man who fits you, your beliefs and your family completely if you want a LASTING relationship with him. All the other stuff, the lovey dovey feelings you have in the beginning will go away, and then what are you left with except how you’re going to get along with each other.

I’ve heard this being said that, when you’re choosing someone to marry, pick someone you can get along with for the next 50-60 years because that’s how long you’ll be stuck with them for. Often a passionate love isn’t meant to stretch out more than 1-2 years so it’s actually NOT smart to marry just for love anymore.

Time and the RIGHT distractions will heal your broken heart quicker than you could imagine.

For example, my last break up, I thought I would never get over him… but actually after about a month, I was already a lot better than I thought. Within 3 months I was nearly fine. I mean we tend to dramatize things when we’re emotional and int he midst of a heart break. The reality is nearly never as bad

Broken Again,

You need to allow time for the heart to catch up with your head, and when it goes, you’ll have a stronger heart.

It always hurts in the beginning because of the lose of a dream. But really that dream isn’t lost.. you just need to swap out that person with another person! Someone better, hotter, more compatible etc.

It’s mostly the fear of the unknown that is keeping us imprisoned in our pain. We are afraid to start over, afraid we won’t find anyone, afraid that we’ll be alone and miserable forever. But is there any truth to these fears?

As human beings, we are perverse because we find pleasure in misery as much as we want to be happy. But just remember, you have a choice. Choose how you want to feel and how you want to live. You control your feelings, not the other way around.

Ashley,

Thank u so much for making me feel better…god bless!

Amy- i can kind of relate to you in terms of the family screwing it up- my ex was all ok with everything in our relationship until his mum took over and started brain washing him against me.

But can u really blame the family?? I’d expext my bf to protect our relationship and respect it for what it stands even if it means going against your family. I’m not saying you should go against your family because family is important but if u let them interfere to that extent… It really means that you’re not too sure about tge relationship itself.

In my case my bf thought he was making too many sacrifices and my love wasnt worth that.. He fell out of love and started to act up and sabotage the relationship in a hope that I’d do the dirty work for him and do the breaking up so he could walk away guilt free and as the victim…and i almost fell for that

For a long time i felt guilty after the beeak up beating mtself up that i didnt do enough to save my relationship…but today i realise if we had held on we’d only hurt each other more and die a slower death!

Your bf has obviousily left u worst off by cheating on u…i know how crap i feel knowing my ex has moved on a good 6 monrhs after we broke up so i can only imagine how much u must b hurting.

But ask yourself why grieve for a cheat like that?? Ashley’s right we control our feelings not the other way around

So forgive him, forgive yourself and just remember the goid times u had…but keep reminding yourself that breaking up was in your best interest

You’ve already started finding yourself by accepting that and by grieving the pain

Dont worry about the dates not working out…at the moment just enjoy them as distractions…treat them as an amusing experience to get back into the dating game….soon as you deal with the grief and when the time is right you will find someone who will love and cherish you the way you deserve to be and not how yoyr ex treated you

I rented tons of stupid comedies earlier tonight and it felt so good veging out infront of my telly in my pjs…just having a good silly laugh

I know Ill have goid days and bad days as i deal with the pain but ive made my resolve to want to get over the heart break…so its only a matter of time

As Ashley said the dreams remain- person’s just going to change and he is out there

To end…always believe in what goes round comes around…your ex too will grieve and bleed…not that i wish this pain on anyone ever but you do reap what you sow…

Time and the willingness to heal will make the difference…we’ll all find someone better and more deserving

Hi Broken & Broken Again, ….

Thank you for your sweet words… I sometimes feel sky high and other times dirt low… but I know that with time we are going to heal… as for my ex and his family I feel they are both at fault … Ithink my ex was just to immature not to know what to do or stand up but I’m sure if thats what he wanted and his heart lead him to say fight for what you want he would of done so… who knows but … it all is part of recent past now in which with time will just be part of my history and past and that is it…. thankfully this the last time ill hurt for that person and will move on to better future .. I am true believer that things happen for reason and their is reason to all of this I just hope that i do have better happiness and better love at the end as everyone seems to mention to experience and as for myself I am learning and bettering myself for myself and hope that all this pain and sadness and strugles as well as 7 years of it will reward me a lifetime of happiness with somone else… I have faith and hope and fear i may not but I have to trust that I most likly will … with time as you will too … it is said nobody has died do to love and well i guess we know we are alive and that we have heart and we do feel …. now somone will come along who will apreciate all that and will fight for you and be the right fit for you with time…. wishing you the best of luck and thank you for your kind words and I appreciate it in this time of need as I gather my strength to move on and build a better self and life for myself … Amy

Broken Again… I know what you mean… my ex cheated on me with the girl he is with and well .. we all are entitled to move on right … but lets also remember a rebound or somone to cover the deep pain one is in does not help because delaying such pain makes the wound even bigger and more infected at the end … so I personally rather just deal with the pain now and hurt and feel lonely and be at one with it and reall get over it build better person out of myself from it and purely move on when I am ready because doing easy fix like our ex’s isnt going to help in the long run…. they are going to not only hurt themselves more but hurt the other person they are trying to love… however, i do wish them happiness and the best although they are not best for us they may be best for them…. people are put in ourlives for certain journey to make us grow and for the many reasons we dont understand why but they are taken out for reason as well and I believe that things are made to be broken for better things to mend… if these ex’s didnt appreciate us or love us the way we deserve then karma is on their side… Many times i have heard stories from others in how men who treat their gf badly or ungratefully tend to get a gf after who treats them just like they treated their ex gf who did appreciate them and then tend to be very unhappy…. reality is that infatuation stage of any love fades and reality then sets in and well love is blind but one can only pretend all is great untill reality hits …. so what I am trying to say let them live the short lived happiness they feel… rushing things is never a good thing… who knows maybe they are ready but better will come for us because we took the time to learn and build better sense of self… keep your head up … stay in touch and vent as you please … take care of yourself because nobody else will …. we behold the key to our own destination as well as happiness….. rememeber beauty attracts beauty if you get chance see the movie eat pray love …. it will help bring a little peace …. smile because your worth it !!!! even if its hard I know but were worth somone who will fight for us and our love so … be who your are and when u least expect it he will come around

Erica,

First of all I think you two should spent some time apart analyzing your feeling alone before you discuss it together and see where things go.

It is important you don’t rush into making a decision because part of you will always be left second guessing that choice when things go wrong in the future

You have to put all your feelings aside (impossible I know) and ask yourself things like :

1. Why exactly did I doubt him in the first place?
2. What has he done to put my doubts and insecurities to rest? Does he understand my point of view. Obviousily there is a reason why u doubted him so does he underdstand why u felt like that and what has he done about it? Like has he stopped doing that thing etc
3. Can you stop doubting him? Are you happy with his explaination and happy that if it happens again you wont start doubting him?
4. I can understamd his hurt and yes he needs to take time to deal with them but people screw up in relationships and you have to really put it behind you and move on..that’s what a true soulmate relationship is all about. Your boyfriend has to
Make a choice sooner or later – either brood over it or move on and get back together. Dont give him an ultimatum but tell him
that a decision has to be made. DONT get back and think that we’ll work through it together because that will just spell disaster- been there done that! DONT DO IT
5. Analyze yourself – were your doubts justified? Agreed you felt insecure but was making that a focal point of your relationship worth it? Can you really change and learn from it? That behaviour got you to this point so it has to be worked on
6. Worst of all do you really really think your bf is making efforts to
Move past his hurt or is he using that as an excuse of breaking up with you…so
Making you feel guilty and covering his own flaws by making it all your fault? My ex did that he went on a holiday with his sisters and other females but totally “forgot” to tell me about the other girls that were there. When i found out and confronted him he said i didnt trust him n he never cheated on me and that he just forgot. Big fights because you don’t forget these things! Anyway 2 weeks later they were all back in town and he wnt to meet them all – yes he told me but it was I’m going whether you like it or not. He marginalized my feelings and yet it was all my fault that I didnt trust him. No doubt I over reacted but he wasn’t right either. So point is – is your bf trying to get you to do the dirty work for him while he licks his own wounds

Finally you say you love him but can you put up with his flaws day in day out? Can you two find a workable compromise? Love alone is just not enough

The pain of grieving and moving on is a btch but it’s still better than being in a relationship and constantly hurting each other.

Be brutually honest to yourself- love is a lpt of hard work are you both up for it??

Amy,

Thank you for your post to me earlier about my ex moving on.

I do think he is partly doing it on a rebound and partly because his family is pressuring him to settle down – he thinks he has moved pn and is ready to plough the fields again but i also know he would like us to be together again

However it would never work because we’d still be unable to work through our core issues and find a workable compromise

This new girl is better suited to him- culturally, better accepted by his family and she is really a nice girl.

The reason i broke with my ex was mainily due to mounting cultural differences and our families- they never really accepted us as a couple and were passive aggresive.

I fought really hard to get thier approval – famil matters alot and bothvus being the only child we’re all the more closer to our folks… So it got to a srage where we were both trying to please our folks by changing each other so we’d get acceptance

It didnt help that my mum was diagnosed with kidney failure and I naturally started focusing on that and our relationship took a back seat and there were fights all the time.

Its not that he wadnt supportive he really was but i couldnt balance everyone’s expectations and he felt too pressurised by everything and started sabotaging the relationship doing all the tjings i hated in a bid to break up and so he could walk out guilt free.

Funnily enough i dont blame him because the pressure and expectation was huge.. I was focusing on keeping the parents happy and not us as a couple .. Id always tell him..” once we pass these hurdles we’ll be happy and together- its ok to put our feelong adide for a while and focus on the bigger pix…keeping our parents happy is our duty- they’ve done a lot for us so we can accomodate thier whims blah blah”

Neither was I wrong and nor was he… i should have handled everyones expectations better and for him it was im not ready to put my life on hold like this – its better i walk out rather than stay and suffer and make it worst for everyone

Today i have a profound sense of loss and guilt that i couldnt keep anyone happy despite trying my best and having the most noble intentions at heart…hurt my parents, his parents, him and myself

I want to run to him and beg for another chance – but i know ill just hurt everyone more and stop hom from making any progress…

What hurts is the way he broke up and orchasterated the whole thing… I wish he had been brurually honest and didnt trust that we could work through it tpgether and that at the end of the day we were only going to reap the benefits of all our sacrifices

It hurts that our parents couldnt put thier isdues adide and just hive us a chance- but then again i know thier intentions were noble

It hurts that we’ll both put in our best efgorts in other relationships but we couldnt do it in our own when we were so close to seeing really happy times

I know there is always a reason for what happens but sometimes the pain is just too much to believe that

I know yhese feelings are only bought about because i see him moving on and it’s finally hit me that it really is over and maybe rightly so too..better to cut your losses now than later

I wish him all the happiness and truly hope his new partner fulfills him because he truly is a great guy deserving the best

Guess love cant be forced and love doesnt always have a happy ending

I broke up with my now ex boyfriend after almost 3 yrs and it was a long distance relationship. I convince that we’re loving each other so much and our love was just giving us pain, we hurt each other and broke up several time. Every fight often ended into a broke up, he broke me up and I swear it really really exhausting. It drains my heart.

We developed a possessive relationship. He over protected me and I did so, too much jealousy. I’m perfectly on the scenario 1 and 2 but also experience the scenario 3. I feel that I won’t able to love other guy like I love my ex, and more of it I’m afraid I won’t meet anybody who loves me the way he loves me. It is so hard for me to overcome this pain. I cry cry and cry, I hurted my self, and have a thought of ending my life.

The reason we broke up is because I cheated on him. But I did it because I was totally exhausted of our relationship style, we’re only hurt each other so I was thingking that I might deserve better than this. But after the affair I realize that I made a mistake, I hurted him so much. He ask to break up and I didn’t agree, I said I regretted, but yess it is too late, now I don’t know whter we could get together again, start all over again or not.

Indri,

I think you should let go for now atleast…you’re not in the right frame of mind
…give yourself time to heal and to think objectively

If its meant to be it happen no matter what…give things time to cool
Off and settle…these decisions shouldnt be rushed and shouldny be impulsive

Hang in there it will get better

Its funny how life is so wonderful yet even in a relationship(he begining stages) we feel like overpowered happiness till that relationship crumbles. In my situation..got with my ex lady in 07..got together…moved in…lasted for 6 months then that’s when it went to crap..after that break up it hasn’t been the same..we would get together but not be official. We would be fine two months then break contact. Months will pass then we will talk again(having sex as well) then break it off again. Back and forth till 2010 now and till last week she decided its done. She just wants to be dating and nothing serious as for me I wanted something more serious but yet start slow..I stil love her but seems we are just not on the same page..I still want her but yet since we have been doing this for. So long its like we just take a break and she does her thing and I do mines and then come around again and try to see what’s up..I am not sure if she is for reals saying this is the final straw cus we. Have done it before but who knows..I am looking more fo someone that can love me for who I am and respect me. Its crazy how we try to keep our lives on a good path and plan it but that’s not how it was truelly written.. We just have to let it flow and see how everyhing falls into place.right now I am a bit bummed out but I have been doing it so many times with her that I am already use to the pain . So ill just let it be..keep your head straight and look forward who knows who really and truelly fill in that hole in our hearts!

I broke up with my exs 3 years ago but what makes me a strong per sen was remembering what he had done to me and the pass ? there days where I remember him like they say you will always remember your first love ?

He and I knew each other when we were 12 in England. I had to leave w/my family for the states. At 16, I moved to Germany with my mom. Visited him in England. He asked me to marry him. Mom of course said no. Twenty-eight years later, we met up on facebook as friends. We emailed back and forth as friends from last April to December. We both were married to quite mean people at the time and my husband had been gone for four years already. I told him in December i was filing for divorce. He then told me he still loved me. That his marriage had been non-existent for the past six years. He came here to visit. We realized then in January that we still cared for each other. Alot. He stayed a couple months and returned but not to his wife as she wasn’t at all nice, used throw knives at him when she got mad, and he started his divorce. He said he’d have left her anyways as they hadn’t really care the past six years as stated. He stayed six months, with us communicating back and forth. He turned this past November, though this time he changed. He said he loved me but he was controlling and demanding and just different. To the point where many things i said he’d be upset about. He said I’d changed. He kept saying he wanted to go back to England. A few times he left for the airport. The past two weeks I’ve felt sick each time I get up. Today he shouted again because I said we need to figure things out. He said it’s all me. True we have the stress of his divorce going on forever (he started it back last July) but I haven’t changed. He said I need to change things about me. He got upset in a store the other day telling me he’ll shout louder if I didn’t stop talking to him. He’s been getting more upset. One person told me he used to be on medication for the anger and depression and is fine and calm and normal on it. But he doesn’t want to take it. So i’m writing all this to show just how confusing a relatoinship can get and how one minute he said he’s nothing without me to saying “yes,I’m dumping you, I’ve had it with you.” I trusted him So much. I didn’t think I’d trust another man let alone love another man after being with a couple of them who were so abusive. And this one was so perfect. An electrical engineer, a singer on the side, an excellent chef, worried about me, cared about me to someone a few months later who switched to the opposite, to where my throwing up from nerves aggravated him, the noise of my getting sick. Worrying what I say will offend him to where before I could say anything. A couple of my friends hate him now. We all thought the first first this year he was so perfect, so kind, compassionate. Now he says I’ll be alone because nobody else will want me as I’m evil and mean and selfish. I’m so down about this. It has to be his lack of the medication for this personality switch. He couldn’t care if I were dead the way he’s acting to whereas a few months ago I was his world. He’s going home in a few days back there. The agony of this hurts so much. He’d always said we were mean’t to me. Most of my friends don’t know this switch happened. They think he’s so sweet. He’s sweet to them but then in private so mean to me. How do I get past this? How do I just forget him? All I wanted was to finally trust a man and be loved by him.

hi guys.. just found this site and l enjoy reading all those post and comments about personal experiences about love. This gonna be a big help for me. haizzz. please read my story and feel free to give an advice. thanks in advance.

it’s been a year since we broke-up with my ex.
we met each other when the team from their country went to my country for mission exposure. we have the same religions. they stayed here for about 5 days. but during those days, l seldom see him because l wasn’t free that time, l was studying college. we did not have enough time to get to know each other because of the short time they spent in my country.. but he ask my email address.we’ve been an encouragement to each other..afterwards.. he told me that he had strange feeling that he never feel in his entire life. He was nervous. by the time when they were still here in my country, l never felt any strange feeling for him. For me, it was just an normal thing to see a different race man. but afterwards,when we were able to know each other better, i found out that hes so sweet and caring even if we’re just by exchanging emails, plus it’s a good thing that we belong in the same beliefs… in a short run. l fall for him. so He was. i just feel this strange feeling. I was inlove. we always talk to each other through email and chatting sometimes. He had many promises that this heart of mine hope much, He said he love me and he really think that we are meant to be and that someday we will be together. we’ve been praying to each other.
until one time, l noticed that he changed. no more sweetness, and many more signs that maybe he don’t love me anymore. l confronted him. l was hurt!. l want to clarify things and don’t want to assume on things that wasn’t clear. But he just said frankly. He met another lady in the camp which he attended. he was infatuated to that lady and there feelings were mutual. he also told me, he can’t even say those 3 magic words. Whoah!. I was hurt! i cant hide my tears. cant control it.he was my first love. l really thought that the relationship is an ideal relationship ever. that was perfect before.l never think it would end like this. but l have to let him go. i don’t want insist myself to him. even if it hurts.. after not talking for 1 or 2 months, he again came back. that time, we’re just friends not lovers anymore. l was afraid that he might hurt me again..and he said that he realized what he had done. he keep on asking forgiveness. what can l do to the heart that truly loves?, but l did not tried to express my feeling.. l was afraid to be hurt again but we did talked to each other again. lt’s like l was inspired again.. but after 3 or 4 months of good relationship as a friends, something bad happen again. l know my self l loved him so much that until now, he is still the one. l hate myself whenever l’m feeding my mind with lots of good memories. l know l’m just torturing my self. l wanna move on and enjoy life, forget him. l prayed and prayed to God to help me forget him but l just don’t know why until now. my heart still longs for him. this time it’s not anymore right because l have heard something but l’m not sure about this. he did already move- on.. l even saw some comments in His profile in fb that there is this girl whom he’s giving his attention.. l don’t know what to do now. l want to cut all those communications to him. l even delete him in my friends list in my fb but sometimes, l can’t really help not to see him or to see his profile which leads me to a bit weird situation. because whenever l see his profile, l always see some comments that turns my heart into a tiny pieces.. l want to shout to his face how much his hurting me right now. l really wish that someday l could get over him.
–from: amerain—

After 4 years of marriage, planning for kids, naming our kids, and basically planning a future together, my husband told me that he doesn’t want to ever have children. and not just that….He doesn’t truly believe in marriage. I’m so confused right now. It’s been a month since I decided that we need to separate. He keeps telling me that he loves me, that he’s thinking of me (I’m in another city) but I just cant believe it. He didn’t even discuss his fears or having children with me. He just decided for both of us. I’m so angry because if he had told me about this when we were dating, it would have been a deal breaker and I definitely would not have gotten married to him. I finally told him last Sunday to stop texting me telling me that he misses me because he’s not willing to budge on his new stance. Other than the text msg on Saturday and the email I sent him on Sunday, we haven’t spoken in 2wks. I miss him so much. I can’t stop crying. I just want to call him. I just want to tell him that I miss him. I want my life back. I’m so confused. I cannot believe this is happening. I also hate wondering if I’m doing the right thing. My mind can rationalize this but my heart is broken. I don’t know what to do.

completely lost,

i am not sure i can give you a good advice, but it kinda makes me think your last remark: you don’t think you will find a girl like her again…well, maybe that’s a good thing. you really want a girl like her again? come on! you seem like such a nice guy! with such nobil fillings! you deserve better! but please, for your sake, break down those walls, it will only do you harm. my ex was married and after his break up he kinda shut himself down. now, i blame his last relationship for not having the guts to fight for ours. he too has walls around his heart and it hurts soooo much realising that after 1 year of sharing the same apartment and the same life, hopes, dreams, plans he doesn’t love me enough to put away his fears.

rolling in the deep,

my ex and i talked about kids and marriage too, but when i asked him to think really hard about our future together, if he really wants to get married to me or not, he told he doesn’t believe in marriage anymore. in his sick mind, after you get married things can only go from bad to worse. i couldn’t make him understand why i believe in marriage. during this time a couple of thousands of km separated us…and we had these conversations over the phone. he wanted to continue our relationship and to go on as nothing had happen,. to go back to him as planned and continue in the same rythm. but i couldn’t…even if it broke my heart i told him i can not live with someone that doesn’t share the same principles as me. i love him a lot and it hurts like hell not hearing his voice or to feel his arms around me or to see him smile… and i must confess: i acted like a teenage girl (i am 23). i called him in the desperate try of breaking his walls and making him realise what his giving away without a fight. but, even if his voice was trembling, he didn’t want to give it another try…because is for the best, especially for me. he than said i was right not to go there again… it broke my heart to hear him so…determined…
I foolishly hope things will work out between us… I hope he only needs time to heal from his previous relationship… but will i still be here for him? i don’t know! now, i know my love is infinite and is not little what i would for him…but in a year…i don’t know… do you think it is worth it?

Is this weird,but I actually can relate to all 3 scenarios in my relationship? I just was forced to end my relationship of 16 years (14 married). As I promised myself 3 years ago, I would not put myself through another cheating episode….especially with the same person he cheated with before! Red flag right?
But for the last 3 years, I have been so unhappy, I could barely function….”why am I here?” I fantacised about leaving…
It still really hurts though. I have twelve year old twins (boy and girl). They comment on how much calmer I seem now that he is out of the house…
Sooo, I am trying not to obbess, trying to move on, but at night, my brain keeps working overtime, putting aaaallll the puzzle pieces together. Click. Nearly every morning, I have this big fat new epiphany to deal with….’yep he is talking to his crazy ex from college”….”yep…he lied about this…he lied about that….” Geez!!!
I wish my brain would shut off and give me some rest! Hopefully, as these things are purged, it will soon be better.
Has anyone else experienced this? Oh, and for the record, a lot of what I am learning is about the root of his lying….so I have just been “sharing” that with him…as calmly as possible. I figure, It’s not mine and I don’t want it….so I give it back…

I am going through a really hard time right now, as many as you are. I am just so confused on what to do. My heart is breaking. My fiance whom I have dated for 6 years recently called everything off completely out of the blue. I thought our relationship was fine, there was definitely some bumps, but for the most part it was fine. I guess I was ignoring red flag as well. He is currently only working part time and he doesn’t seem to want to achieve anything better. I make more than double, income wise, than him. I wouldn’t mind this so much but he always wanted more and wanted more but he didn’t want to earn it. I felt like I was contributing everything to the relationship. What made things worse is my friends constantly told me I deserved better.
We broke up for a month 3 years ago because he fooled around with two other girls. They didn’t have sex but they made out at a party. I felt incredibly betrayed and hurt. I was starting to move on after a month then he wanted to get back together saying he was a changed man. I still loved him and I desperately wanted to believe that so I took him back. Things were great for the next two years but then things started getting rough this past year. We started arguing because he got layed off of his job and didn’t work for 4 months (even though there was plenty of work out there) and then ended up taking up a part time position. On top of it all I barely saw him because he worked nights so he would be up all night and sleep all day.
All these things seem so petty to break up. I just feel like we can work through this we can work through this! You’ll eventually get a better job and things will be perfect again, but then I look at our relationship. He never wanted to do anything for me it was all about him. If I asked if he could do me a favour like can you do the dishes he would sigh and groan and make a big deal over it. I think one of the worst things happened when I came down with pneumonia. He was fine for the first 2 days then he started freaking out on me on how I should stay in the bedroom upstairs because he is going to get sick. So I sat upstairs alone in the room for the rest of the week. Even getting him to do simple things like playing board games or walking the dogs with me was a huge chore! He never bought me a birthday gift with the exception of this year and I got a little plushie (which I treasure because it was the only birthday gift I got). I kept telling myself it doesn’t matter I love him. I can deal with this. I don’t need all this stuff from him all I need is his love. We can make this work. I am going through the confusing task of siding with my heart or my mind.
What I think is even worse is when he broke up with me he just said “I need to be alone and figure myself out. I need to learn how to be independent and do things on my own.” This is exactly what I wanted out of him this past year! So now I’m wondering if I should wait around? Will he really change? My friends and family are going no he’s done this to you before (when we broke up the first time) you deserve better you deserve someone who will do everything for you. Problem is I don’t want someone to do everything for me! I just want someone who is more independent and grown up which is what he is set out to do. Ugh! I am so confused. I want to meet up with him and fix this but I know I can’t. I feel like I am losing my soul mate. I am terrified I won’t ever feel this way about someone again.

Thank you for posting this, to be honest I was in scenario 1 most of my relationship, he was a great guy but I was not happy, he would rather be alone all the time and of course I wanted to go out and have fun. I noticed that he didnt have friends , it was weird. My mind was telling me all the time you dont deserve this, he is a good guy but you really need someone who would rather be with you, but my heart woulndt let go. He broke up with me like 3 days ago I am feeling way better now, he said it was the best since I deserved someone who wanted to be with me all the time and that he noticed that I couldnt possibly be happy with him since he was making no effort at all because he didnt want to be with people. He was a socialization problem and gets tired of seeing people. He started crying as If he didnt really want to leave me but he kept saying it was the best and that I needed someone better and I kept saying i only wanted him . Deep inside me I know this was the best thing since it was a real pain everyday seeing that even tho we go to college together he would never want to hang out with me more than once a week. It was really heartbreaking that i was alone all the time while having a boyfriend.

I am glad he broke up with me since I would never had the strength to do that, as uncomfortable as I was ,I just didnt want to do it.
It was a good ending since we both are friends and we were friends before dating at all so I do believe this was the best decision.
It really helped reading this thank you so much , and also the other stories in the post This is really helpful somehow Im feeling Im going back to life again

I just broke up with the love of my life because he is not in love with me. I know we haven’t been together for very long, only 7 months, but surely by now he should have had some feelings for me. It just doesn’t make any sense, we have had the most special time together, so much affection with such a strong connection, i have never had this with anyone before… (I am 32 by the way, so have had a few long term relationships and have been married before too) I don’t know what to do, it feels like my heart has been ripped out, my legs are like jelly and I feel faint. I know this was the right thing to do for me, I cannot be with a man that doesn’t know what he wants, I want a man that looks at me and knows that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Am I asking for too much? I have been hurt before and have been in really bad relationships (tend to go for the bad guys), but this one is a good man, the most amazing man I have ever met… I was so sure that he was the one. I am so lost right now and so confused, I wished he loved me like I love him…

Dear Jackie,

i know how you felt as i experienced the same thing too. my ex and i recently broke up. we have been together for 5 years. to me, he was my everything, he was the one i wanted to spend my entire life with. he was a good, responsible man and treated me well. he was my first love. everything was going great for us (i know i ignored a few red flags) until a year ago i felt he changed. on few occasions he would say he’s tired of making others happy when in fact he himself is not. i always reason with myself that he was stress because of work related matters. when we broke up, then only i start to understand everything. he felt he is with me because he owed me a lot (i help a lot financially) and he’s scared i would kill myself if he ever let me go. that my family and me was too nice to him. he was just too nice to let me go (seeing how vulnerable i was). so he decided to stay and try very hard to love me and be in the relationship. until recently when he felt he couldn’t pretend anymore. yes he loved me but not to the point of getting married. i was so hurt and devastated when he said he did not love me like that. one single truth made me feel like our 5 years relationship a lie. i also want him to love me like how i love him. but we have to right to expect him to feel like the same way as we do.

like you, i also wanted a man who is very sure he wants to spend his life with me, look at me and say to himself “yes, this is the one for me.” i’m still mourning, i still cry every night but deep in my heart, i have hope that one day i’ll be happy again.

wishing you the same thing XOXO