Step 5: Change it Up
You’ve been sitting and reading for a while, so it’s time for something physical. Get ready to get up.
After any relationship, there are remnants around the house including photo frames, knick knacks, jewelry, toiletries etc., that belong to your ex. Often we leave these around as they’ve triggered positive memories in the past. They’re the little quirks of the person you were with and removing this stuff just seems to solidify the reality that the relationship is over. It is hard to pick these items up and gently put them in a box, because to many it signifies THE END.
It is not the end. You are just going to make this process and period of time a little easier on yourself. It’s likely that if you have something lying around from your ex, you will go through a stream of consciousness that starts with you getting together, him or her using that item, and then all of a sudden you are back at the place of pain. Let’s avoid that.
Go ahead and grab a box. There’s no need for any drama like a bonfire, we’re just going to move some things out of the way that we can retrieve at a later date. Box up some of the main reminders of your ex temporarily. Again, this isn’t the end all be all of everything, we just need to reduce the daily reminder of the break up.
I’ll wait here while you box up the items.
Good. Ready?
Next, let’s change it up a little bit. As you may have heard, the mind stores memories in a similar fashion to a file cabinet. It throws everything into the file related to a particular memory and when one thing in the file is pulled, everything else comes out with it. This means that if your ex used to sit on a particular place on your sofa, that place on your sofa may subconsciously remind you of your ex. Changing some things around a bit will lessen the reminders. Am I asking you to forget your ex? Certainly not. I am simply asking you to be gentle on yourself and remove some pain triggers.
The Change it Up Exercise – Try it!
Choose 3 items from the list below to change within the next couple of days:
__ Rearranging Furniture
__ Changing bed covers
__ Changing table linens
__ Spraying a new scent in the house
__ Wearing new perfume
__ Getting a hair cut
__ Painting a wall
__ Cooking different meals
__ Going out with an old friend
__ Taking a different route to work
__ Signing up for a class
__ Buying & wearing new shoes
__ Buying & wearing new clothes
__ Listening to new music
__ Donating clothes to charity
__ Buying flowers for the house
__ Other ideas?
Read and Add Comments Below – when you’re done…
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Thank you everyone for your concern. I don’t feel okay, nothing is okay. I have fantasies of putting myself in danger, but the truth is, I hardly have the energy to live my daily life, let alone make the effort to do anything dangerous, so I guess I have no choice but to be “okay”.
I’ve been back at work, although I didn’t go yesterday, and I leave as soon as I can, arrive as late as I can. I can’t play the phony game with clients very well. I just can’t feign interest, I hardly have any fake smiles left. It’s so hard, I still can’t even look at him. I can’t go from living in our amazing, beautiful, magical cloud to friendly cordial coworkers. I just can’t. “How was your weekend? How’s your new puppy?” No. It was more than that, and small talk is out of the question, it just isn’t possible.
I think he would like to be on friendly terms at work so that he doesn’t feel uncomfortable. The rest of his life seems to be fine. I’ve seen him laugh. I know he’s moved on, I know he’s busy, I know he makes plans, I know he goes out, I know he’s okay. He’s a happy, social person, it’s part of what I love about him. I suffered a much bigger loss because I became much more social when I was spending time with him. I laughed so much, there was so much to do.
I want him to see that I’m not okay. I want him to care that I’m not okay, if only to make him a little less “fine”.
We had a journal that we kept together. We wrote our adventures down, our dreams from the night before, little notes, we drew pictures, and made lists. There are so many things left undone.
He contacts me once in awhile, but the more I avoid him the less he does. He has made small friendly gestures, talked to me a little, he’s never been unkind, or reacted to my moodiness. It only makes me love him more for being so understanding and kind. He claims to be waiting for me to come around so that we can be friends. I don’t know if I can be, even though I miss my friendship with him more than I’ve ever missed anything.
I just wish he would feel something. We cried together about our tragic love a few times when we were together, but it seems like I’m the one left crying now. I’m forever changed.
I wish I could erase the whole thing.
I wish I could go back and relive it again and again.
Deborah I love your poem.
Sheldon, it amazes me how similar we are feeling. Everything you said in your message above I have felt or thought. I to, want him to feel a little of what I am feeling. I want him to know how deeply I am suffering and so I can’t leave him alone. Every day I try not to text or email him – some days I am successful, and some days Im not. I never see him though. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to work with your ex. To have to see him surviving just fine. I want to believe that somewhere my lost love is suffering, but since I can’t see him, I just don’t know. He did tell me last week in an email “The truth is I love you and miss you – I just cant” WOW….what do I do with that? Like you, we cried over our tragic love when we were together to. I remember him crying a couple times over all he wished he could give me…but he can’t – he belongs with his family. He doesn’t want any contact – he wants to get over me. How do I leave him alone to get over me? Like you, I wish I could live those months over and over again. But I know I can’t survive the hurt ever again. I know what you mean about small talk. And I agree. “J” would always talk about the weather….it would kill me! I wanted to scream “I love you!” Like you, “J” has never been unkind in any way. If he was ever mean – or ever ignored me, maybe I could hate him…but he is scared to death of me hating him. I think he feels responsible and doesnt really want me to hurt. Sheldon, do you think you can EVER be “friends” with him? I want to be friends with him, but deep in my heart I know I will NEVER feel that way about him. So, what are we left with? I could fake a recovery and SAY I can be friends, just so I can have him in my life. Just so we can go back to talking and laughing. And maybe my emotions would follow – but how could I ever look at him and not remember him holding me and kissing me? What do you think? Will you EVER be able to be FRIENDS? I feel your pain Sheldon. I to, know I will never be the same. I will never love anything or anyone as much as I love him. I will never heal…I am raw…I am broken…
Rick, please don’t feel stupid….I guess love makes people stupid, but we all know and understand what you are going through. We probably all have friends that are tired of us! Its OK to talk about it here!! So after what you went through, do you think its stupid to even try the “friend” thing with an ex? I want to see him so bad, but not if it is going to pour salt in old wounds!
Deborah,
I don’t know if I would recommend it unless you are very strong. I have to work in the same room back to back and interacting with her and customers. I had to find some level of communication.
If you don’t have to see your ex everyday or at all. I’m tempted to say leave them be. You will just make the pain worse.
Can you honestly say that you can be friends? Or will you just be a frustrated lover longing for so much more. Why step back into that ring of fire?
Sheldon, you touch on the worse pain. how can they just be so over us. How can they just pull off all those feelings like a dirty shirt. It’s like we were never some part of their life “Oh, just somebody I used to know” when we are like “they were the most astounding person who has ever come into my life”. Now they can just be so casual so “Oh, Hi”
Do we feel too much, are we too sensitive? Am I supposed to be some non-feeling brute, callous and casual? Is that how relationships have to be now ?
I love him more than ANYTHING. I would do anything for him. I would instantly take a bullet for him. He knows how I love him, but he just goes with all of mah best friends. now, for some reason, I feel like It’s MY fault. IDk why I feel like this, but I do and it hurts really bad. He’s realized all the pain he caused me and I even told him, but no. He just has to keep killing my heart more and more everyday. He knows that I know I’ve done some stupid stuff, but, if he really cared like he said he did, he wouldn’t care about the past. He would care about his future, and whether it should be with me or not. Every1 used to call me a nerd and now I’m starting t ithink he was embaraced to be with me, even though he said he wasn’t. I really don’t want to think that it’s over for good, but I might just have to
Huh, and he had to make it even worse the night he asked me out. He sent me “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz on my cell, and now whenever I hear that song, I can’t help but burst into tears :,( I guess I’m happy for my friend, cuz, i mean, he’s like 98% perfect, but I still really wish it was me. Ad wat really ticks me off, is when people say that I’m obsessed with him. I’m not. There’s a difference between Obsessed and In Love. I am in love with him. If only he would realize that he can’t spend the rest of his life looking for a girl, but whenever he gets hurt, I will always be there to catch him if he falls. He knows I would take a bullet for him. I just wish he knew that he belongs with me (</3 4-evur)
i love him still.. i gave him everything he want, but he did not appreciate it. he did not value everything we shared to.
Deborah, i feel the same as you…i dont think you can be friends though..from your email its too raw and your still too in love..it would be torture and we have to put on a brave face and pretend its ok and its awful when then are ok…its ourselves we are hurting..im trying it but how do you change a conversation on the phone from lover to friend.. and when we have one of our ‘just friend’ conversations i think that hurts more than not having the conversation at all.. makes me want to throw my phone off the wall (have done sometimes)..makes me so hurt and angry that we are having a friends conversation..why didnt he ask to see me, why didnt he call me baby, why is he talking shit about some thing irrelevant thing..and he seems fine and im screaming inside and hurting and i hate the just friends chat.. cant handle it at all…but in saying that ive yet to cut him out of my life..because we have never been just friends yet just verged and then i go crazy…soon though i intend on cutting him out of my life completely.. and after 2.5 years (my longest and only relationship so first love) i am wondering how i cope with that..we have talked about how this is crushing me and ruining my life and the only way ill ever get on with my life is to cut him out…he understands that and knows he must let me go..love is soo cruel
Sheldon, to have to work with him must be absolutely torturous..how can you do it.. i dont think its helping…can you transfer..?? you sound so down…like i have felt sometimes..sometimes i felt so hurt i couldnt breathe..if i gave it some thought id be so overwhelmed..i have ups and dows..im getting used to it.
i have to say if i did not have my work i would be dead…i enjoy my job and its very buys and sometimes you dont have time to think all day and thats good for me.. but i also know the feeling of being in work and working through glazed water filled eyes..the tears can come on in a moment..if i have 10 seconds free thought they can appear.. i wonder if people at work notice.
i wish i never met him.. the phrase better to have loved and lost than never loved at all i do not stand by.. who ever made that up is stupid…why would anyone want to feel the way we feel.. i honestly have to say its the worst feeling, ache ive ever experienced…my sister died with me holding her hand when i was 15..her death (bless her) was less painful..far less painful..maybe a different pain..when i read all these messages i feel angry at all the hurt and pain people are in..it doesnt seem fair..maybe time will heal adn we will all look back…but i dont see a future for me…im 31 adn i feel i have no future in my life..its as good as ruined. i never wanted for much.. just my own family..most people get it, why not me. whats my purpose in life without one…without him.
Thanks to everyone for your thoughts about trying to be friends somewhere down the road. I guess my problem is that I would do anything just to hear his voice again. I KNOW I will NEVER see him as just a friend and even he has gone back and forth on that. The last time we saw each other it was suppose to be “as friends” and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and ended up kissing, which I know is why he ultimately ran. He told me that day that he would NEVER be able to be just friends with me. Then last week he sent me an email that said “I know that one day when we can both meet as friends, we will.” Mixed messages. I hear what you are saying Rick and Kat, it won’t be truly friends, but for me it will be the only way to have him in my life still and right now that feels like the ultimate goal. Does that make sense?
My love life is always ending with hurts – for me; LOVE = HURTS
I really don’t know why?
Why I can’t have a true love for my life from my beloved God … or he isn’t love me or he does not care to see my sorrow …
yyannoo i feel soo lost i cant think straight enymoree just feel like me heart is gunaa stop beatim i fear im never gunaa lovee again i cant walk out my house because of the memories i shared with him some one help me i need it people who havee bin through this before will onlii undastand i need help i feel alone x
to Sp. i currently know how you feel. You feel like someone who has been used. The reason why you wake up in the morning is because you have to. Already you dead because of the hurt and pain you feeling.
But let me tel you something everything is about to change for you.
God never promised us an unhappy life but in due time you will find the Person that will love you for who you are.
Your first step is to Pray and get devine with God the secound step is to find yourself.
By doing this you will have more love and feel more love 1st from God.
many of day a feel like you but prayer keeps me Going i would like to meet you so that i can learn to know you.
to Sp. i currently know how you feel. You feel like someone who has been used. The reason why you wake up in the morning is because you have to. Already you dead because of the hurt and pain you feeling.
But let me tel you something everything is about to change for you.
God never promised us an unhappy life but in due time you will find the Person that will love you for who you are.
Your first step is to Pray and get devine with God the secound step is to find yourself.
By doing this you will have more love and feel more love 1st from God.
many of days a feel like you but prayer keeps me Going.So pray and pray and dont stop praying.
one thing i believe in one thing, what doesnot kill you , makes you stronger
it feels like i have waisted a good part of my life and i am angry for being in denial and not seeing the signs a long time ago.
I have read all the comments and boy can I jump on the band wagon. The love I lost has ripped out my heart. We work together. Started out as friends and had a beautiful relationship for two years. At least that’s what I thought. For me it was two years, for him it was a little less. Towards the end I lost my brother then 8 weeks later lost my mom. I thought the roughness was over. I went away just to have time for me, we spoke every night, every night I heard, you’ll be home soon, I miss you, I love you. A month later he left for a vacation. Every night we spoke, ended with the same things said. Three days after being home, I was told we were done, he didn’t love me anymore. He’s still my supervisor and everyday it’s harder and harder to work. I want things the way they once were but I know it will never be. He walks around like nothing happened. Very unemotional. I’ve broken down so many times I never knew a person could cry that much. Now I can hold it together a little better but there are times when it just won’t happen. I love him more than my ex-husband. Pretty sad isn’t it? We had made plans for when we got older and retirement was around the corner. I don’t get it. I want that switch that turns off the emotions like he did his. From I love you to we are done. I know God has a better plan, better person maybe a better answer to my prayers but I wish he would give me a hint. This hurt is killing me.
The pain I’m feeling is so overwhelming. I am so depressed and sad and wish that I can erase the whole thing. I just want to feel normal again and enjoy the things I did before I met him
his name is ungku asif! i love him wit all my heart.. i never ever thought that he could this to me.. i thought he love me but i guess i juz dont perfect enough 4 him.. i know sometime i kind of annoying but the thing is i do that coz i want he 2 know that i really2 love him.. i can accept all the thing bout him n y cant he??
I just dont know what to do anymore. I was with this girls for three years of my life, from 19 to 22. Those are supposed to be the busyest, partying, fun times of you life. And I didnt do any of that because I loved her so damn much I gave it all up, freinds, partys, girls. The worst part is I can never have those moments and chances back, its painful. I could tell she was changing, and I asked who the other guy was, she refussed to tell me, I never did anything for her to leave me. So now she is with someone else and im alone again. Then I lost my job, my grandmother’s health is failing, who lives right next to me. It just seems like everything is falling to peices right infront of me. I was looking toward the future, I didnt want all the immature nonsense, I didnt care about “keggers” or “raves” I was interested in her and I devoted all my time and energy helping her and making sure she was always happy. It all was in vain.
Thats always been my downfall.
I love too deep.
I see I am not alone. It saddens me to see just how hurt we all are. I feel like i am on a rollercoaster of emotions some days im so down i dont even want to get out of bed. Then theres days all i do is cry or others where i am so mad at him I could almost say I hate him & wish I never met him. Im not one to live life with regrets but im really beggining to see him as a regret in my life. What was teh purpose of metting him? Of having him in my life? If now im left broken hearted & with out him… I hate the way im feeling & that im allowing this to affect me soooo much I consider myself a strong person I have been through a lot yet i cant seem to get over this guy what is wrong with me? Oh & yeah I also doubt myself like what is wrong with me? Am i ugly? Fat? what is it? why can’t he love me? I miss him so much & to top it off I also work with him so it totally sucks!!! Were on a hi bye basis but sometimes we don’t even do that. I can tell were both unconfortable with each other we dont even know how to react? What to do or say? Theres been days where we kinda just look at each other and not even say hi or bye & it kills me. But it also kills me to have him on a bye basis because i had so much more with him & now thats all i get? Ive never been so attached to a person as i have with him he was the first person I spoke to when i woke up the last @ night & the whole day in between & texting too. I also would go out with him a lot so it sucks not having him in my life. I also feel like hes movng on & that hurts me too like wow why cant i do that? When am i gonna be smiling & really mean it? I also miss him more as a friend & i wonder if that will ever be able to happen but I dont know if im ever gonna be able to see him as only a friend? & to top it all off hes becoming like best friends with my cousin which is really bugging me & there always talking now its like shes becoming his best friend & thats how it all started with me. They even go out to & im like what the hell??? Im doubting everything & everyone. I feel so hurt!!! & i dont know how to snap out of this i cant concentrate, i cant sleep i keep waking up every hour on the hour or i dont sleep for example last night i didnt go to sleep until 6 am i only sleep 2 hours because i had to come to work
I also cant find anything very fun & i dont even get hungry either. Im exhausted physically, emotionally & with this whole situation. & what is worse is that i know hes doing just fine & is perfect without me. How can someone say your the best thing that ever happened to them & how the time they had you in their lives was the best time in their whole life yet they let you walk out of their lives??? How?? WHy??? i feel so played, lied to crushed, broken, destroyed!!!! I just want all this pain to go away & i feel like it never is 
I totally agree with Erika.
i leave my ex because she cheated on me. i hate her but deep inside my heart i have to admit that i really love and need her. she ask for apologies and swear that she won’t hurt me anymore, but i just can’t accept her in my life anymore. i don’t know what to do.. im suffering because of her
I am totally devastated over my break-up with my fiance. He cheated on me numerous times in the past and i took him back. Then in dec of 2008 he took he cheating to another level …he had a baby with another woman. I was and still am depressed,stressed , hurt ,sad every negative feeling… i am feeling it. Everyday I replay in my head the events that took place…what i could have done to protect myself from this heartache. I hate him and still love him at the same time. I see him everyday when he comes to pick up my daughter and as soon as he leaves i cry. then my hurt turns into anger.i cant believe someone that i gave up my whole prior life to would do that to me. He promised me the world and instead all he did was lie. what hurts even more is that he seem like our break-up hasnt had an effect on him.I see him and he looks healthy and good, while i have lost 10 pounds over this. My life is at a stand still and i have not a clue what to do. I am lonely and spend my nights crying about my lonliness. I am so scared to start dating for fear that i will put my trust in someone just for them to abuse it. No matter how hard i try to stop loving him its not working. i WANT SO DESPERATELY for this pain to just subside.
I guess we are all here for one thing and one thing only! To heal ourselves from this pain and heartache. Love is meant to make us feel happy, which is what we all feel when we’re in a loving relationship, the minute we start to fell hurt and pain should be our queue to move on, but how can we do that?? When we’ve put every trust into it. Like all of you, I have never felt pain like this in my live, and when I told it to him, he don’ understand what I am talking about. The same person that promise me he will NEVER hurt me. It is unfathomable. But I am here to heal myself, cause if I don’t do it, he’s not going to do it for me. I’ve had my fare share of crying at an instance, not eating for days, not sleeping, and eveything else that comes with a broken heart, but for him all is ok. Like someone said, “is there an on/off button somewhere” As hard as it is..”I will dust myself off and try again”. And absolutely NO, I don’t want to be his friend. When it’s over it’s over. When we are so strong in everything else, why are we so weak for our own self.
I feel absolutely awful right now. I’m in love with my co-worker and he feels pretty much the same, but he’s got some barrier inside of him that he can’t overcome so he told me we can’t be together. He broke up with his girlfriend about 2 month ago and I broke up with my boyfriend 4 weeks ago. I stopped loving my boyfriend ages ago and I know that me and my wortkmate (lets call him A.) have always liked each other a lot. Nothing ever happened though until the whole office went out for drinks one night. We were the last two people left and I had one of the best nights in my whole life. I was still with my boyfriend at that time but pretty much knew I was gonna leave him. A. and I talked for ages and I could feel the chemistry build up. We connected on every level possible, I’ve never felt like that before. I’ve had been really depressed in the months before that, felt like my life wasn’t going anywhere. But that night I suddenly felt alive again, full of excitement and feelings for him.
Secretly I had always hoped that he would like me that way, but I had never been sure. I had even dreamt about him several times. That night came absolutely unexpected and I thought my dreams had come true. We talked and kissed and were just all over each other. He took me back to his place but I didn’t want to sleep with him yet cause I was still with my boyfriend. I know it sounds stupid, but it was important for me to sort myself out first. We still had great night and were really close to each other. He never tried to have sex with me but respected that I wanted to wait. He was loving and gentle and considerate. Not the way a man is, that isn’t seriously interested. On our way to work we were holding hands and talking. He would kiss my head, caress my face. I felt like I was in heaven. At work we suddenly stopped talking to each other. Nothing. I’m a really self-conscious person so I started to question the whole thing, if he really like me and stuff. I got really insecure and couldnt even look at him anymore. We exchanged a few e-mails, I told him I really enjoyed the night but didn’t hear back from him. A day later – it was a friday – I broke up with my boyfriend (who I was living with in South London). It was horrible cause my boyfriend is still very much in love with me. But all I could think of was A. so it wasn’t fair on both of us. I never told my boyfriend about A. cause I didn’t want to make it worse for him.
On the saturday after the break-up I went up to North London where I work. My friend and colleague (Julia) lives there so I decided to stay with her for the night. On my way there (it takes quite a while and I hate it) I suddenly get a phone call from A. I tell him I’ve broken up with my boyfriend and he’s gobsmacked. Up to this day I don’t know why he actually called me. I was too flustered to ask and we both didn’t know what to say really. He told me he would be there for me if I needed any help. Until the monday I didn’t hear from him again, but at work we emailed again and he asked if we should meet up after work for a drink. So we did and again it was weirdly awkward. He had got a call from his ex who told him to get the rest of his stuff from their old place and he had to leave at some point to do that. We talked and when he dropped me off at the train station we hugged and kissed. But I still didn’t know what was going on.
The wednesday I asked him again if we could go out for another drink and that night was fatal. He told me that he doesn’t feel ready for anything serious and that he had been sleeping with another girl. He really likes me and said I would be the girl he’d go out with if he was ready for it. I was crestfallen. I couldn’t believe that was happening. I just wanted to be with him. So I told him he didn’t have to promise me anything or commit, I just wanted to be with him. We started kissing and he said he had sworn himself not to kiss me again but we did anyway. I asked him if we could go back to his place and at first he was really hesitant but than agreed. Back at his we had the most amazing youknowwhat. Apart from my ex-boyfriend I had never slept with anyone else but it felt so right and good. I enjoyed myself like I had never before and I know he did too. Back at work it all got a bit weird again. All we exchanged were emails. On the friday one of our co-workers had her leaving-do so we went out together to the pub and he was even holding my hand in front of everyone! I though he had changed his mind but at some point he turned round and said ‘you know you can’t stay at mine tonight’. I asked why and he said he was going on a date the next day. I got really frustrated which was bad cause I had said to him he doesn’t owe me anything. we got into a row, he got really angry and said he just wants to be left alone and do his own thing. Next thing he hugs me and tells me he’s sorry and doesn’t want to hurt me. I say I’m sorry and tell him I just want to be with him again. I begged him to take me home but felt like I had just given myself away. He didn’t seem very happy but took me home anyway where I started crying. He comforted me and we didn’t really do anything, just lay next to each other. I felt horrible and hardly slept. The next morning was wonderful again. We didn’t sleep with each other but were really really intimate. We talked like nothing had ever happened about everything. He made me breakfast and took me in his arms. Then he took me to the station and immediately started texting after we had said goodbye. I really got my hopes up again.
The following week I swore myself to distance myself though. I started to look for flats cause I wanted to move away from my ex and closer to work. He kept sending me emails though, was really supportive and asking if everything went well. One day during my lunch hour I got into a hassle with my bank about my account and debit card and I was close to a nervous breakdown. But he was there (I was lucky that I had met him randomly) and he wouldn’t leave my side although I told him to go back to the office. He took great care of me and I felt so close to him again.
The same day he had a gig (he’s in a band) at night and invited some of the people in the office, including me. I was hoping I could stay at his again but he basically ignored me all night and was quite distanced and cold. he had told me beforehand that friends of his ex would be there so he would most likely be on the edge and act weird, but i though he would at least acknowledge my presence. I got absolutely drunk and ended up confronting him which led to a fight again. I know he just said it to put me off him but when I asked him if he didn’t like me he said ‘No I don’t’. I got really hurt and just walked off which was dangerous. It took me 2 hours to get back home and he sent me a text saying he got really worried. The text also said that we can’t be lovers or girlfriend and boyfriend cause he knows he would cheat on me and end up hurting me or both of us. I cried all night and looked awful on the next day. In the office I asked him if we could have a sober talk again so we went for a coffee after work. I was mortified about what had happened the night before and told him I was sorry. He said it was alright and that he still likes me as much as ever. We talked and talked and then at some point he said that I need to understand that we can’t be more than friends right now (because of the reasons he’s given me), although I would be the girl he would want to be with if he were ready to commit. We were holding hands and he was touching my face and kissing my head again. I know and understand what he’s saying, but at the same time I don’t. If you like someone so much, why wouldn’t you want to take that risk unless you don’t like them enough? I’m scared he will find someone that he doesn’t mind taking that risk with. I would be crushed. It kills me having to sit in the same room with him everyday and not being able to be with him. I will only keep hoping that he will be ready at some point and take me. But I know that’s never gonna happen. I want to run away, just stop thinking of him. I might quit my job and do whatever.
I’ve also thought about being ‘friends with benefits’ but it would just be a pretense for me to be with him and of course I would hope he would want it to be serious at some point. I don’t want him to lose his respect for me either. And he probably wouldn’t want to do it anyway cause I do seem to mean a lot to him. I just wish it was enough for him to overcome his issues. He’s a messed up person, but so am I. He doesn’t want to complicate things and neither do I, but why couldn’t we just enjoy each others company and -yes- bodies.
I don’t know what to do. This is gonna tear me up…
Thank you Ashwin … thanks for a candle light you’d brought up to me during my journey through a dark and cold tunnel. You’re right to remind me prayer keeps us Going… I wish and hope someday I can see the lights at the end of this tunnel … agian…
Can you ever really be friends with exes?
Its been 6months since my ex broke my heart and I feel that I’ve come to a better place, but I never seem able to talk to him. He’s moved on and been in a new relationship all this time and see’s no problem in being friends. However I used to feel confused still talking to him, and so we didnt for a time so I wouldnt cry everytime, but now its stil just weird like the way we talk to each other is different and he is so indifferent, I wonder will we ever be able to just be friends. He acts like there’s something wrong with me if I’m not “over it” and have not “moved on” with someone new.
Hi people,
well like yous my heart is breaking,I met my ex in my town (he’s not from here) plus in the navy and travels anyway I gave up my whole life,job,home and family to make him happy and he has a 5yrs old daughter with his ex so I moved near her so he didn’t have to travel.well the other night had the most almighty barney as I want kids marriage the whole package,he wants to wait another 3years which will make 5,next day he headed to his job and broke up with me n a text! I was incosouble had no one to talk to (as my family stay miles away)he texted told me to go to my mums,which I didd now he said it’s finished.
As it was his home I moved into..I have no job,no home(well I stayingin my mums spare room)and no future.
People say concentrate on your job,but he has left me and ruined my whole life:(
wheew its still kills me even now. i miss him a lot
I think all of us must get together because we feel the same way Torn, broken ,minipulated and maybe we can start learning to know each other in person so that we dont go through the same kind of drama.
Wow!! I just got out of a 2 year relationship and it hurts!! Never have I had this feeling before. I guess we all have to experience heartbreak at one point in our lives. It’s been less than a month and she is in a semi relationship, how??? I know that she loved/loves me deeply, I just don’t understand how she is able to move on so quickly. I told myself, the next relationship has to be right, and I won’t bring anyone else in my life until I am healed. However, it is taking longer than I wanted for me to heal. I have learned a lot about myself in this relationship, and my next girlfriend will definetely get the best me that I am able to give. I just wish I could fastforward time and not hurt anymore@@@
yeah absolutely, my ex made me feel that there was somethig wrong with me for how much I was hurting after he broke off a yr and a half relationship to be with someone else. I never thought I was the type of person who would be this way, I lost 10kg in the first month I was so depressed. But now looking back I think maybe he knew better than I and we just werent right for each other and maybe I was willing to ignore it because maybe I just dont believe anyone can ever be exactly right, problem is he’s moved on and I just think it wil be a long long time for me before I can feel something like that for someone new. At first I tried to go out and meet ppl but now I accept that there is nothing wrong with the fact I had to greive and I dont need to meet ppl. The thing that hurt most was we said so many hurtful things to each other, and I just cant help myself I recently lashed out at him and sent yet another abusive message, because I find the callous arrogant insensitive way he talks to me now so offencive. Like who is he to no1 reject me and then not even try to be friends
I am so relieved to have found this site. I hear all the echos of my pain and loss. Part of me is relieved to know I am not alone and the other part is so sad that anyone else has to feel as terrible as I do now.
I was with my ex for 3 years. I thought he was the love of my life. 6 months into the relationship I began to feel that he was not being open with me. I had a difficult childhood and had issues of trust. He explained to me this was only may past trying to ruin a good thing. I bought it. Flashforward. I was right. He was lying to me. He was seeing women behind my back.
The part that kills me is the fact that he used my past to keep me from questioning. He convinced me that I was paranoid and untrusting. I am not sure who I am more anygry at, him for betraying me and watching me suffer when he knew he was lying, or myself for not trusting myself.
Every minute feels like forever. I blocked him from my home phone changed my cell and deleted all of our emails.
I got rid of everything we ever exchanged. Inside I know I can never speak to him again. I am broken in ways I am afraid I will never heal from, but I long for him. I ache for his words, his smell and his touch. Its so confusing because when he did try and touch me I was repelled. I know that missing him hurts more than I can explain but it hurts less than his lies and betrayls.
I want to stop the hurt. I do not want to be a zombie anymore. I wanna laugh from my gut and feel it radiate through my soul. I want to feel the sunshine and get out of this cold. I can’t. I am afraid. The pain is killing me. Everything I have worked for…I am watching it fall away. Sadly, I have lost all faith and I do not seem to care.
I toss back and forth between revenge and defeat. From anger and sadness. How could someone I loved so deeply do this? In my broken heart I can find no reason. Except he never loved me, he loved himself.
So broken.
This website has helped me face this and gain perspective with optimism. Thank you!
this is my first visit to this site.and usually i wouldnt seek help,but i just dont know how to handle this.
my ex and i had been together for 3years.the moment i met him it was love.we had been inseparable all 3 years.i have never been without him,not even for one day.i woke up and slept next him everynight.this past year i got laid off of my job,and had to move in with him.which was fine.then he asked me to marry him,of course i said yes. a week later i was to move in with father until the wedding.then unexpectedly my father passed away.and i needed him more than ever.he had just gotten a promotion and started going back to school so i started seeing him less and less. he started breaking promises.not comming home.we didnt even have conversations anymore.just sex when he felt like it.our storybook romance turned into “bootycall”. he started getting mean. not returning my calls. not saying i love you.it just went dead.i was so confused and he wouldnt explain! i loved this man.anything he said i did.anything he wanted i gave. i was his stepford,i cooked cleaned ironed worked and went to school.i just wanted to understand.i begged for understanding.i literally BEGGED.on my knees. which was by far one of the saddest moments in my life.he said it wasnt someone else. i told him i was leaving and he was ok with it. which hurt more than anything. so i packed up and i moved to another state. its been 2 months,and i messaged him on yahoo. i kno i shouldnt have…but i asked.was he dating. ONLY BECAUSE HE ASKED ME FIRST. he said yes. and he said that he was in love….
Snovia – wow – you are really hurting and going through so much pain. I hope your heart heals quickly. I wish you the best. You will find somebody who will love you the way you are deserved to be loved.
help me forget my bestfriend whom i had an intimate relationship or affair for almost five years and now she is gone due to a man who is claiming in love with her but is also a separated man with a child
im hurting so bad i have been in a 2 year relationship and just back in the beginning of september we were at the beach walking at night holding hands telling each other we love each other on that same vacation we had a fight and she started screaming at me so bad in front of my whole family. she found a anti depressant that i was taking and i did not tell her and she absolutely was screaming so loud in front of everyone. i told her to leave as did my sister. i hurt. i cry as i write this. two weeks later she called me to come over i went over with all the hope of getting back together. she told me she loves me and i was the best father figure role model for her son , she said shes not in love with me no more though. i dont know how it could all just change like that. is she just mad that i told her to leave. it hurts so bad. its been 5 weeks and the only contact i had was letter to her son and a letter to her praising her as a woman and a mother i never put her down or screamed at her or called her nasty words. i called her just the other day we talked on the phone for 45 minutes and i ask to see her i wanted to talk to her and she kept saying go ahead and talk. she said we dont always get what we want and i said i know because i would be married to you today if we did. she got real quite when i said that. we talked about having a baby oneday. during the conversation she never said to me tom its over its over tom, she never said it. im so confused i love her so much and feel we are soul mates and always did. please help me PLEASE HELP ME. my heart is torn to pieces
I feel so sad, shes like one int he world, I’m just soo stupid, when I started liking her, I sort of knew I had no chance, but my stupidity made me fall inlove with her more, when i started courting her, she said she wasn’t ready to have someone yet and she doesn’t want anyone to court her yet, I told her “I can wait for you till your ready”, I’ve been a good friend to her then, I never let anything bad happen to her and I never let anything bad happen to her or let her have a hard time, I was there for her, still waiting, but then, after that, I heard a rumor that she likes a guy who she likes aswell, I didn’t want to believe because of my stupidity, but it was true, and this guy was already courting her in what I can see, then I just gave up…. I lost hope that she will ever be mine, and i really thought shes the one, after all the heartbreaks I had, I thought she will be the one for me, but i was wrong…. in all the heartaches I’ve ever had, she was the one that hurts the most….
I think when she said to me shes not yet ready, shes really saying “No way, I don’t like you”. really hurts…
Sorry for my stupidity…..
It’s been 8 weeks. I’m still crying. I miss my best friend. I want Leticia. I just want Leticia.
I miss you Leticia.
Well it’s been 3weeks now since the split;(
the first I seen him was yesterday when he dropped all my stuff off,everything is so raw…. My feelings for him has not changed,woke up the morning and seen all my belongings lying about.. Then it hit me I can’t stop crying,when we chatted I felt numb yesterday but the realisation has sunk on that I will never see or hear from him again,I just wish we could all take a tablet that would take this pain away guys
everyone said time is a great healer:(…..just wish time would heal my heart as I hate feeling thus way.
Hang in there people
love kathryn xxxxx
Sheldon – you are still here…I hadn’t seen any posts from you lately and wondered if the hurt had finally started to get easier to bare….I hate you are still hurting…have you talked to her lately? at all? I have been trying to have a friendship with my x-love…but this week he asked me if this was helping me or hurting me more. I told him it was helping just to have him in my life at all…he is on vacation right now with a bunch of buddies…beer and golf trip…he said when he gets back he wants to see me and have a candid conversation with me….now I am so scared that he is going to shut me out again. I just want to have his friendship, if nothing else. How about you?
Deborah
Hi Deborah. (now I’m Sheldy). I’m not better. He called me twice last week, we were on the phone for 2 hours each night. (I know, confusing, he has the girl name, I have the boy name–it’s how we did it when we chose names for ourselves for some reason). I felt much better after the first phone call, but I realized I was holding onto hope. I hoped he was sorry, that he missed me, regretted it all, wished to go back, that the grass was not greener after all. He alluded to it, and pretended there’s no one in his life, said he’s spending a lot of time alone, and now without the puppy he has a lot of time to think. During the second phone call he mentioned her as his “friend” that he makes music with. I remember when they met now, he mentioned it then. He used to introduce me to people as his “friend”, refer to me as his “friend”. It dawned on me that he didn’t break up with me for independence, he broke up with me for her. I don’t know why I only just now realized it, it’s obvious. He’s been talking to me more at work ever since the first phone call, and messaging me every day. I’m not sure if I like it. I told him I can’t be his buddy, that I miss the friendship the way it was. I said that I can’t let Sheldon and Leticia go, that they will be with me until I finish my series of art projects at least, and it’s going to take me a long time until they’re done. I’m only on the second one, and there are at least 4 more that need to be made. He told me that I don’t need to let them go, but I said I do if I’m going to be pals with him. I’m really mixed up, because I miss him terribly, and I wish we could be friends, I want him in my life. It’s all I want in this world. I just want my best friend back. But I can’t see him with someone else, I can’t hear about anyone else, I can’t be his pal. All I want is for him to realize that he made a mistake. I want him to see my art and realize that I am much more amazing than he ever thought, to regret getting rid of me. I am doing it because I want to make something more amazing than he is/was. It isn’t possible, but if I try, if I make enough of them, then there will be something solid and tangible that I’ll get out of it, something that tells the story of Sheldon and Leticia. I’ve teased him a little and sent him pictures of little corners of them here and there. He said he can’t wait to see. I said “You’re going to have to.”
One night last weekend I saw him out, we were at the same place. He didn’t see me for awhile, and he was dancing with a girl. We ran into each other outside, he was with one of the group he was with. There was an awkward hello, an introduction. It was too much. When I got home I sent him an email telling him that he doesn’t even know who sheldon and leticia are, that maybe he never did. I said “I’ll never forget”. In the morning he responded “you’re my forever”. I don’t know what to do with that. It was 2 days later that he called.
I’m so confused, so broken hearted, so sad, I miss my best friend so much, it’s all I want. I just want him, I miss all of the things we did together, and all of the things we were planning to do. I don’t understand. He asked me to bring him a tshirt to borrow, one that I’ve worn.
I know it was real. I know he didn’t fake any of it. I know the main reason we aren’t together is because of our age difference. We knew it all along. It was our tragic love affair from the beginning, maybe part of the beauty. I should be grown up enough to be able to be friends with him and “let it evolve into something even better” like he said. I never knew how sad I was going to be. I didn’t realize I could hurt like this.
My daughter will be home in a week or so, and she’s going to see my art projects and know. She is going to see my sadness. No one should have to see their mother with a broken heart. She knows I’m working on something, and now she’ll see why, she’ll see that I don’t spend any time with him, and that I’m spending all my time making art because of him. It worries me.
I hate feeling like this. I hate crying. I think of who I was when I was so happy, how much fun I had, how much I laughed out loud, how silly I acted, and that person annoys me now. I feel like she was a fool and acted foolish. Some of my coworkers have told me that they miss me, and want me to come back. I feel forever changed, and I don’t think I’ll ever be back.
WOW…thanks for clarifying the name thing for me…ha! I know how you feel about you will never be the same, but the other day I heard myself laugh and I remembered who I used to be. Unfortunately, it might be because J and I are talking again….Amazing that L said “you are my forever.” What did that mean?!! is he beginning to realize the mistake he has made letting you go? Is he just being kind or do you think he still feels something? Such mixed messages….guys are great at mixed messages. Do you think having your daughter home will help you? It might be good to have someone else to look after and think about. I don’t know, I never had children, but I think it will be a good distraction for you. Don’t worry about her seeing your broken heart….if she is old enough, I think it is OK for her to know that heartbreak is a part of life. Did you ever see the movie “Nights in Rodanthe?” Its very sad, but at the end she and her daughter (who she had a really rough relationship with) are sitting on the porch and she starts to tell her about her love and her heartbreak…it is so beautiful and heartbreaking. But her daughter is a teenager….if you want to email me that is fine. Can you see my email? How could I send it to you?
So many things written here i feel the exact same..like you sheldon when you say you feel stupid for the way you were happy and now you feel like a fool. Everyone i know have told me that they miss me, and they want the old me to come back. I feel forever changed, and I don’t think I’ll ever be back.. my sister said she had never seen the spirit go from someonse so much.. its been 2.5 years i have been like this cause this is the time i spent with him…and he could never be mine but he told me he loved me…but he hadnt in the last year but i thought he did.. then yesterday i asked him out do you love me.. of course he went round it and never said no but said he had the best 2.5 years of his life but he doesnt believe in love..its jsut lust..what is love..well its something that if you have you would never hurt that person..but he did for 2.5 years..and now i feel like the fool i am..he said they were his best 2.5 years of his life and they were my worst..without doubt..so he didnt love me..just himself..and all the things he has done are so awful so how could i love someone like that more than anything i have ever loved..what does that say about me as a person..how can i love a cruel unkind selfish person..and i do.. i love him dearly..but now i know this is it..we tried finishing so many times but knowing that he doesnt even love or know what love is..i will never go back…and i will not be friends or go to the same places as he as its torture..when i see him at training or places we used to meet i feel sick, cant concentrate as cant be together..its tears me inside and like you all its worse looking at him as he seems fine and like he is having a good time. Sheldon and Deb i was glad to see you both back online..but please you must not have these people in your lifes..its been 2.5 years of me trying to get him out of mine and its only made me more broken…i pray i dont wake up most mornings and its because of the toll this has taken..i am cutting him out of my life now..the thought is scary/horrifying and very dark…so dark i wonder if it is right..but how can it be wrong..when it just hurts..hurts so much you feel you cant breathe and sometimes cant..i hate how he has done this to me adn then goes back to his life and everything is ok.. why is that fair.. and is it because he doesnt believe in love that he cant love and so doesnt get hurt..how can a human being be so lacking in emotion..but he wasnt in the beginning when he chased me and made me feel more special than anyone ever made me feel..lust..just to make a fool of you and reel you in so you love them…. it makes me physically sick!! i wish i had a pill to make me sleep and never wake up cause i will never be right and my life is ruined..this isnt the way things were supposed to be at all. :’(
Hi all, I haven’t been on here in a while. It is the strangest thing really… for 3 weeks I was happier, and I didn’t cry, and then all of sudden out of nowhere, I am depressed again, and I miss him again! Why??? It’s been six months. That should be long enough. I despise what he did to me… jerked me around at at the end, made remarks about things he didn’t like about me, and he kept distancing himself. When it ended, I broke up with him (or so I thought), when in essence he was pushing me away. Four months later, I learn it was another woman, and I learned it from a stranger. The mourning started all over again, mixed with shock, disbelief, disappointment and of course, now there is anger. What a sniveling coward this man is! He lied to me for who knows how long? He is deceitful, manipulating… just a monster! Yet, I miss him… I miss him terribly even though he is not the man I loved. Funny how they can be the perfect man when you meet them, then the minute they meet another woman, they start to belittle you, and treat you badly, just because there is someone new. Cowards! All of them! I’d rather hear the blunt truth for god’s sake rather than the anguish of waiting, hoping and wondering. DOESN’T ANYONE GET THAT! Be brutally honest with me so I can move on right away… I hate spineless men… When am I ever going to meet someone that can somehow, some way take care of a woman that is strong and independent. My goodness, I cannot believe how weak some men are… The only reason they do this is because they don’t respect themselves at all. Okay… I am rambling now… sore subject. LOL!
Hi to all, I’ve been here for a while, just reading and trying to stay better…
I had a true lovestory… Maybe the lovestory of my life =)
Once upon a time, at 10years old I knew the brother of my best friend, and we stayed friends… Years later he felt in love with me and courted me, I was against dates with friends… I took a year to pass that, and at 19 years we started dating. It was beautifull, we talked about love, about getting married, have kids, our home… all of that…
Then we dated for 2years and we got into the college, but we were apart and we only could be with each other at weekends. It was really hard to stay away with him… we talked a lot, messages… everything… But I started to be jealous because of his female friends, there were no male friends… In the 5th year, 3rd of degree he knew someone with a boyfriend that courted him, was like a echanting snake that he taught it was a princess. We endend but he continued calling because he was not sure of his desires, and maybe because she didn’t want to date him… maybe only wanted a puppy to fool around… Nothing physical happened between them… In the vacations, with proximity we started again… vacations endend started his blindness again… Months later in a dream I finally made the puzzle and we talked and he told he has felt in love with a girl, but it was over and nothing happened, that he didn’t want to leave me, bla bla bla… we stayed together, but I wanted to know who were she… If was the girl I suspected all the time…
I stayed paranoid, possessive, even more jealous… and then in this year, I discovered who was the girl… and was the one I suspected… I stayed heartbroken… but I discovered things about her, she was hanging with boys in the internet and i showed him… he stayed very bad because he thought she was perfect and that they were not together because her parents liked too much of her boyfriend, this time he was sure she was only kidding with him… I wanted to leave him, but he cried a lot, he was suffering, I was suffering. Later I discovered that she was doing the same thing with a professor, she was melting the professor and he passed her.. I “won”… Well we tried to fix and move on togheter… We maid 7years of date in May…
However, I was unable to forget and to forgive, and it was a nightmare… I’ve made our relationship a hell. I just couldn’t trust anymore, I didn’t feel well… and he continued having female friends that he told not liking them as “girls” just friends…
In November we were more and more apart from each other, the silence was around us, almost no kisses, a hug were more easy… In the 13Nov we decided to end the relationship because it was insuportable, we were unable to be happy, we only fight… But we cried a lot this day, because we didn’t want to end… Because he sees me like the perfect girl, the one of his life, and he wouldn’t find another like me… I thought I wanted him for the father of my children… It was painless, horrible, devastating… But he said we wasn’t happy and he couldn’t drag me anymore, because he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life…
When I came home this day… I felt I was dead, days after I stayed very bad… We called each other everyday since the ending… But days after he told that we had to stop calling, and texting…. then I didn’t called no more. 5 days without calling he calls me, telling he misses my voice, and it was being hard, bla bla bla…. But stayed the same, he told we were better this way… He called day yes, day no… or two days no and 1 yes…
It’s been hard to forghet with him calling, yesterday called twice, today once… just to talk… I feel like a friend don’t know… I miss him a lot, but I don’t want things this way… I don’t want a friend… I don’t know if I still want him… During 7years I saw him by my side, the father of my future children… Now I have no dreams, he took them all. I don’t know what he wants… maybe he wants that I stay by his side until he can’t get another stupid girl in is life…. I’m much better now, but I still feeling like I’m dead… That it just more one day… That if I die was better… That I have almost nothing left in my heart… I missed so many pieces…
He is returning to our homeland next week, probably we will be together… and I don’t know the way I’m going to feel. Be with him… I don’t know if it is the best… maybe I have a hope that he changes to be the person I felt in love… and not that one that leaves me…
I’m completly lost =(
Hello alll ..
I loved .. I trusted .. I gave ..
he took .. he took .. he took ..
now I hurt .. I cry .. I’m empty
… I just want to be whole again ..
Adriana,
Two weeks from tomorrow (Tuesday 02/16), it will be one year since my ex tore my world apart, I wish there were words that could help/ease the pain, but there are none! I can only tell you from personal experience that “time” will help you become whole again! Let the tears come, let yourself go through the emotions, and then start to put you first and learn from the hurt! I don’t know your story, but I can assure you, that you are not alone in this! I trusted, I gave, I loved, and was ready to give up everything for her, and she took, took, took, took, and took some more! Here it is almost a year later, and I sit and wonder why I lost all the tears I did! And I hope that you don’t have to take as long as it did me, to overcome the battles! If you need to vent, this is the place to do it, we all have been there and still there! I hope the best for you!
Micheal
hi everyone, its been about 4 months now since my ex girlfriend broke my heart. the pain is still there. about 2 and half weeks ago we talked on the phone and we were talking about me seeing her son wrestle, then she said she was dating someone. i just said i hope he is good to you and your son, she said it wouldnt be a good idea for me to come see her son because she didnt want to confuse him, then two days later she text me to come see her son so i did, i went over and i was in a very good mood and happy and never asked her who she is seeing or dating, i looked great that night and felt great. now ever since i went over this was two weeks ago today i havent heard from her. i believe she wanted me to be upset and ask her to reunite. i just went to see the match and left happy. why does she ask me to come over if it was really over? please someone give me some kind of hope. i hurt so bad, but i never tell her i hurt. i never screamed at her or begged her to reconsider, i just kinda took and left. it hurts and i love her with all my heart and want her and her son to be apart of my life. thanks if anyone has any good words for me. chrissless
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