For someone who writes about relationships, it is pretty risky to make the statement that age matters; however, I believe in speaking the truth. I also believe in voicing the concerns of the those that visit this site. From this vantage point and with respect to love and heartbreak, age definitely matters.
Here is the reason why: we each have a grand plan for our life based on age. It goes something like this:
• In my teens, I’ll get into a good college or get a good job.
• In my early twenties, my career will start to take off.
• By my mid-twenties, I will meet the person of my dreams.
• In my thirties, I will be married and have 2.2 beautiful children.
• In my forties, I’ll be running the company for which I’ve been working.
• In my fifties, I’ll reflect back on my life and my grown children and smile.
• In my sixties, I’ll retire and travel the world.
Sound familiar? Give or take a few years and interchange a couple of details and these types of age confined dreams are quite universal. So what happens when things don’t go as expected? What happens when instead of two kids in our thirties, we end up with our heart in two pieces? We feel broken; not only is our heart shattered, so too is our self-perception.
It is critical to understand that the pain one feels after a break up is only partially due to the separation from our mate. What causes equal, if not greater agony, is dealing with our crushed dreams. Our dream to be a certain age and have accomplished certain things has been stolen. To overcome the challenge of heartbreak based on age related fears, we must face them head on.
Fear: I’m getting older and will be alone. So you are 35 or 45 or [insert your age] and you are alone. You are scared. This is natural. Many people have a fear of aging – period. Heck, the entire beauty industry thrives on our distaste for more age. When you mix the panic of being alone with an aversion of getting older, the combination results in a very potent fear.
Hope: On this website there are thousands of visitors (no exaggeration) in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and yes, 60s that are looking to get over an old love in order to find a new one. You are not alone. The times have changed and people are looking to be in a healthy, loving relationship. As such, there is no dearth of available men and women. After you have gone through the stepped process for recovery and you are ready, you will begin dating again. Regardless of your age or whether you have had it in the past, true love will find you.
Fear: I am damaged goods. Almost all of us have had experiences which have left us feeling less than perfect; however, they are experiences, not who you are. I have always been puzzled by the statement, “I am divorced.” If this is your situation, remember, it is not a I am statement, it is an I have gone thru statement. No one is fundamentally flawed – especially not those who work actively to heal their wounds.
Hope: Absorb the power provided by an example. Find someone around you who has triumphed over adversity in their life. Find someone who has been dealt an unexpected hand and turned it around to their benefit. Ask them to tell you their story. If you don’t see anyone that fits the bill in your immediate surroundings, pick up a Chicken Soup for the Soul book and read hundreds of inspiring stories. You will find that people do not become their bad experiences, rather they work through them and come out stronger. So will you.
Fear: This just was not supposed to happen to me at this age! This is a negative idea that races through the minds of many who endure a break up. The thought is rooted in the break from your grand life plan. Remember, you created that plan, but the universe has something better in store.
Hope: I have never, ever seen a case where someone who has embraced the changes in their life did not end up happier. You will too. Keep in mind that your past relationship(s) were not a waste of time. For many, they provided growth, sometimes beautiful children, and although it may not seem so, some good memories. Everything that has happened has made you who you are today and ahead awaits an even greater experience.
Remember: Please, please, please do not restrict your dreams. Your visions do not wish to be bound- especially to the confines of age. Paul Gaugin didn’t start painting til his mid-forties, Granda Moses in her seventies, Charles Darwin published his first book in his fifties, and Colonel Sanders founded KFC in his sixties. Age only matters if we allow it to matter. Dream bigger. Dream brighter. Set your dreams free today.
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@Katie..poor you. Don’t worry love..he,s not worth you feeling too bad about things. It seems he just doesn’t want to be on his own and may be just with this old flame for those reasons only. You seem a caring person..but you need to care about yourself. If you’d have stayed with him something prob. Would have happened with him that would have hurt you. Look after yourself. Think of everything that makes you happy and start with little steps in getting your own confidence and happiness back. It will get better..things take time xx
thanks amanda thats helped xx
I feel your pain Katie. I too have had my heart broken recently and now I am in pieces. My story is similar to yours, but from the other side. I had been with my girlfriend for about 4 years. When we first met she was married though at this time we were good friends only and there was nothing more to our relationship but friendship. She would tell me how unhappy she was with her husband and this lead to her divorcing him later. We still remained friend but following her divorce our friendship developed and over the course of some months we became romantically involved.
Our relationship was happy though was complicated by the fact that at the time of our first meeting I was coming out of the end of a three year relationship with my previous partner. My relationship was over when we became involved but I still remained in contact with my previous partner because we shared a child. This however always remained a source of conflict between my girlfriend and I. I wished to remain in contact with my child and would visit my ex partner to see my child. At first my girlfriend understood this but over time she became increasingly suspicious. I believe that these suspicions were the cause of our break up. She would frequently ask me whether I was involved romantically with my ex partner. I never was, but sensed this was not believed.
She ended the relationship about a month ago. I know that she had been unhappy for some time about the situation with my previous partner and as a result of this I was taking quite significant and difficult steps to resolve her concerns permanently. But in the end she said she could not wait and had met someone else. And now I’m in pieces.
I was madly in love with my girlfriend and probably always will be to some extent. Not being with her hurts a great deal, even now. So I can completely relate to what you feel. But now I choose to focus on getting back in touch with who I am. I had forgotten who I was during the course of the relationship because I was focused on trying to satisfy our needs as a couple. I think that getting back in touch with me is really important because my confidence and self-esteem have been shattered because of the break-up. I think this is what you should try and do too. Get back in touch with who you are. I don’t know the fullness of your situation but there must have been a time when you were just single Katie. There must have been some very attractive qualities that attracted your ex to you back when you first met. And they are all definitely there now. So use this time to try and rediscover them again. Remember who you were and to recapture that. The same qualities that attracted your ex will attract others and you will forget your pain and love again. I wish you all the best Katie.
I would like to share my story.
I’m married with a daughter. My marriage is not a happy one but remained married for the sake of the child.
In 2009 I met a man in his 50s when I joined the co. There was no feelings between us but feelings just came out of a sudden in May 2010. He started to noticed me because I organized a private birthday celebration for him. But I left the company in the same month but he would text me and call me many times everyday. At the beginning I didn’t love him but slowly I started to fell in love with him. He’s married with 2 grown up children. He’s a very responsible husband and a loving father. All his time is dedicated to the family and we only get to meet few hours almost everyday on days when it’s not weedweek and public holiday started somewhere June. We slowly poured out our feelings for each other, we were so close and find we are quite compatible though we had our disagreements. Mostly came from me because I want his physical presence. Despite his wife accusations to him that he’s coming home late, he still tries to see me. Everything was fine till last month, his cousin told him that his wife told the cousin that she knows he’s been seeing someone, his heart has changed and he would scold her these days. She was checking on the divorce procedures etc. This came as a surprise to my friend who never thought his wife would do that. I’m not sure whether his wife was actually wanted his cousin to inform him about this because she loves him too much to leave him. He’s been a perfect husband and father. After he knows about this, he told me that we have to lay low till it’s not so tension in the house. His wife confronted him in Feb this year, she told him that he saw him with me with her own eyes. She told him that she knows we are deeply involved in terms of emotions and difficult to let go. She wanted him to leave me. After this, we’re not able to meet as regularly as before, sometimes right up to 7days we don’t meet. It’s taking a toll on me because I need his physical presence and I need him to show his affection to me. He admitted that he loves me more than his wife which I know. But, he still has to keep the family together for the sake of the children.
I tried to break-off with him many times but each time we came back stronger than before. Today, I again called it off because it’s really mentally draining as I could only see our relationship is not only improving but it’s going downhill.
He’s not well today but I still told him because I can’t stand it and I know he’s deeply hurt.
I don’t know how to move on without him by my side. I felt meaningless and I hate him for coming into my life.
For just over a year, my girlfriend and I had an incredible relationship. We never had a single fight, we told each other we loved each other every night before on of us fell asleep. Every morning she would smile when she saw me and was ready for a hug whenever she saw me. Then yesterday, out of the blue, she cut it off. She didn’t even do it herself either, she had her friend do it for her. Now she’s deleting every post, comment, everything from her Facebook and I can’t bare to talk to her. It’s torturous. I cried from the time it happened, until I fell asleep 8 hours later. I feel so empty and alone. I can’t get her out of my head and I’m crying just for writing this. I don’t know how I’m supposed to pull through this. I’ve never taken a break up so hard before. I’m just wishing I could have her back, but I don’t think that’s possible. I can’t imagine being without her either. She says she just wants to be friends, but I don’t know how it could work. I just have this immense feeling that I’m not sure could be suited by a simple friendship. If anyone could give me advice on what I could do here, please do.
I read your story bloom and all I can say is I totally understand.. I met a man that I thought was single it was suppost to be just a fling, But we ended up liking each other alot. As time passed I found out that he was married with 3 children, his wife called me to notify this..I was enraged because he lied to me and I did not want to talk to his wife every again. We would argue and fight from time to time before this each time we seem to get stronger with out feelings. I dont really know how to feel other than I dont like feeling miserable all the time. My heart loves him this I know but he is not good for me because I know that I will always just be an option. He has admitted he stays for the children and his dog….he hates his wife. But all I see is a selfish person becuase I deserve much more than he gives. The days dont get easy and we have had to lie “low” as you call it…but more and more the voice of reason says…let…go….I hope things get better for you.
I’m lying here, trying for the second night . . . just to sleep. The story is long, so I’ll spare you, but I lost my partner 2 days ago. We’ve been having problems, and I’ve been spinning my wheels trying to fix it, for months. But my partner (wife) just gets so stubborn, she couldn’t move beyond any of our arguments. The more she pulled away, the more she demanded I make her happy. It was a rotten cycle I allowed, because I love her. I wasn’t the perfect wife back, goodness knows I’ve my share of offenses, but I had to walk away. Her unhappiness escalated to
Aggression and this need to say the most hurtful things she could, just to push me further away while still demanding I make her feel good. I was in a boat, with one oar, trying to save our marriage while going in circles. I did it, because I love her. But I finally had to walk away two days ago. This is the longest we’ve been apart since we’ve got married, and I keep thinking she will be coming home soon. I’m surrounded with the memories, the familiar surroundings of the places we made love, and at moments it feels like I’m so hurt that my chest literally aches. I had to walk away though, and ask her to leave, because as bad as I feel right now, there were nights I went to bed feeling this way, with her in the other room.
I don’t know how long it will take for me to forget the smell of her hair, but I hope this pain and emptiness won’t last forever. I miss her, I love her. . but I have to start loving myself again.
I wanted to share my story.
I met a guy through mutual friends about 2 years ago. We were set up on a blind date, so we went to the movies. When we first saw each other we instantly clicked. We saw harry potter even though we both hated it, but we had fun making jokes about the film and we ended up to be exactly alike.
We talked for a few months not very seriously when we both realized that we had feelings for each other. We began to date and everything seemed so perfect.. but my dad didn’t like him because he was black so it was extrememly difficult to see each other because we go to different schools. Eventually after sneeking out every few nights for a year and secret meetings we fell in love, he proposed and gave me everything I ever wanted. I was so in love.
This past week we were talking the usual, “how are you babe, I love you and miss you” but I realized that even though he was saying these things, he was being blunter than usual. He wouldnt say “I love you” before bed.
Then a week later he said he wasnt ready for a relationship where he can’t see me.
I was so confused and had to find a solution.,
I asked a friend that he goes to school with and she said “I think he has something to tell you.”
he had started liking another girl, and he said even though he loves me he wanted her because he could see her and hug her every day.
After hoplessly begging and trying to get him to change his mind he wouldnt.
he told me he still loved me but things wern’t going to work out right now.
All I can think about is what if after 4 months when i have my license he still will want her more than me. or what if he falls in love with her.
I think about whether he ever loved me, or why he can’t wait 4 months to start our lives together.
Maybe it was never a reality to him, but I can only keep my mind off of him for so long before the pain of knots in my stomach and weight on my chest come back and I break into tears. I’ve thought of revenge, tricks to make him want me back, or even just getting over him but I don’t know what to do, I need advice before I do something stupid.
I asked him for just one night with me, and if he could say he didnt want me more than her after one night together I would let it go. he said he couldnt because his emotions would go crazy if he saw me and he didnt want to phase his decision.
I know he still loves me, but that’s not enough if he just wants to be friends. I cant bare to see her with her because I want to be with him the rest of my life and I know I’m the one he is supposed to be with. I sacraficed so much for him, school work, sleep, my relationship with my parents, even friends, and that was all my decission. I dont know how he could hurt me like this.
Our relationship was 7 years ago and he was my first TRUE love. We have a beautiful little girl, I was also helping him raise his son who was with us since he was 3. My family meant the world to me but when I got pregnant with our little girl the stress and pressure was just too much and we couldn’t with stand it. We were both in the military and we were both stressed, him because he wasn’t ready for any more kids and me because I felt like if I was good enough to play mom for his son and play wife to him that she should have loved me enough to take our relationship to the next level because i was already with child. So we were at odds, and we broke up but we kept in touch for a while until we couldn’t stand the sound or eachothers voice. Well 6 months after our breakup he got married and forgot all about our child and me. I went to counseling for the first 2 years but i couldn’t open up. And i still can’t i am not 34 and my lifes plan is distroyed, all i have now is my baby. He is now going through a divorce from his wife and i think i am in more pain now then i was in when i found our he had gotten married. I walk around all day with the look of happiness and no one knows the dispair i feel within. Well that is everyone except my mom, she said that she knows i am holding something inside and what ever it is, its hurting me and i need to talk to someone. But i can speak this to anyone, i don’t know why but if i did tell anyone of them i would be open again and i can’t let that happen again. I was completely open to and with him. Thank you for listening!
I have been married for almost 32 years. He’s a wonderful man and we have two terrific kids.
But, when I was in my early twenties I met a man that was so amazing. I was engaged, he was married. We did have an affair, but I broke it off after several months.
I married and moved away. Four years later we moved back. I had my first daughter and he was divorced. We resumed our affair. It was on and off for many years.
Thirteen years ago, I once again moved.
Six months ago, he found me. He is married again.
We have emailed every day the last 6 months. I have seen him twice.
Last night, I ended it again. There is too much guilt for both of us to continue.
He is the love of my life. I never wanted this for my life. My heart is broken. But, this is the right decision.
I know this sounds crazy. I am a happily married woman, who aches for someone she will never have.
My name is Aurora and I am healed better, stronger and much happier! I found this site more than a year ago in search of some help to heal my broken heart. I have read so many comments and experiences and I understand them so much. I have been in love..In love that I could give my life away just to be with the person for a second. But everything was wrong except for how we feel towards each other. My man was married with two kids. We love each other to the truest meaning of love. We were in heaven when we’re with each others arms but I can’t live being an other woman. I had to give him up. Give up our love. Give up everything that we have planned. i left him at the moment when I do love him so much and I could die. Without notice. I just stopped seeing him nor answer his non stop text and calls. he doesn’t know I was gonna get married in a month. I married a man, gave me the most beautiful wedding I could ever imagine..The wound was so fresh and i cried so much..all along i was faking with my husband but then i woke up one day that I wasn’t hurting anymore. i miss him but not as much as before. I woke up feeling happy and free. I woke up feeling jealous with some of my husbands friends. Then I realize that my feeling was over and I’ve got over him. it feels sooo good.
To everyone who is feeling so down right now…you are not alone. There’s so many people out there who is suffering so much more than you think you are..Just always remember..you’ll get better in time..You’ll get better in time. The wound will totally heal without pain. somehow the scar will remain for you to remember how brave and of a great fighter you are…be glad because you can give advice to those people who has broken heart..Loving and hurting is part of being human..it’s just the same…it only differs with how one handles it.
I’ve stumbled upon this website and I can’t help but agreeing with the feelings that I’m experiencing in the healing steps. I’ve read all of your comments, experiences, and can’t help but feel sadness, compassion, and empathy for those who are going through such hearbreak right now. My situation is slightly different. I’ve been dating this guy on and off for over 10 years. We met in university 10 years ago. Almost 6 years ago, we’ve gotten back together for the 3rd time. On many friends’ request, I’ve given another chance to reconcile for the 3rd time, in hopes that he would settle down, get married, and have a family. All through these years, I’ve supported him in every endeavour. I’ve sat there patiently with encouragement and support while he was going to graduate school. During this time, I became quite the workaholic juggling 3 jobs and working 6 days a week since he was going to school. Now he has finished, he still never talked about where to take our relationship. Everyday, I’ve became accustomed to his lack of support, his lack of affection, and his disrespect for me. Not only that, he became mad that I’ve worked a lot and did not spend enough time with him aka going away with him on weekends. He was attending graduate school on Saturdays, if I recalled. I’ve always believed that he would have an epiphany of some sort and would come to his senses. Most of his single friends are quite immature and have personal issues especially with relationships and unfortunately, my guy could only reach out to them. These friends aren’t exactly great role-models. Although he would hang out with them, he made sure I was not included because he didn’t want me to be exposed to their lifestyles. I have been excluded from his family and friends. Actually, when we got back together for the 3rd time, I’ve never been invited to any of his family functions…no family dinners and etc. I was an outcast. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m very angry with him because he never communicated or ever reached out to me. I’ve tried to communicate to him, but he always avoided the issues and said he had nothing to say. I’m angry that I’ve given up so much of my life, sacrificed so much to please him. The day he broke up with me and walked out of my apartment, he criticized me saying that he didn’t like travelling with me and that I get stressed out too easily. He sees this and transposes this into the future if he had kids with me. He worried that I would get too stressed out raising children and would shirk my responsibility and make him take care of it all. Basically, he’s never done anything to support me in anyway…not my career, my friends, or anything. He has only found flaws and would avoid rather than confront! He had a peter-pan complex. I understand in the long-run I will be a happier person without him. I guess I was a fool to give him another chance believing that he was mature enough to have a committed relationship with me.
I was with the man I loved for 4 years. The first few months were lovely and he was so charming and a gentleman. After 4 years of abuse, physical and emotional, the turmoil he put my life through. I gave this man chance after chance hoping for good, this never came. I realised looking at my life now i had no friends left,my children were reluctant to visit, no social life. To be a recluse in my life, All to keep keep his love and not be alone? I sought help and advice and with this help i walked away, hardest thing i have ever done in my life, my heart broke and the pain and suffering i felt i thought i would die, nobody spoke the right words, nobody could console me, the pain was palpable. I still feel raw, i still feel sad. I shall slowly move on. When i wake up in the morning now its not as sore, i now sleep, i laugh again.
I was with the woman of my dreams or so I thought for just over 6 years. We were set up on a blind date and I knew I needed to get to know her better and well I did just that. The night I met her I sang karaoke sober which I had never done. Which got her interested even if I don’t have a singing voice.
After a while of meeting up for coffee etc.. we started dating. We both laid out what what we saw in life and we were pretty compatible, but a few things were there were going to be at ends (at the time and I didn’t know, nor did she). She said she didn’t want children and I was “on the fence”.
Well 4 years down the road I jumped off the fence to the side that wants children and she didn’t follow me over. We tried talking about it off and on through out the couple of years (because I wanted to give her time to come to my side or for me to go to hers), as we loved each other (still do) and sadly I broke it off. I did it at a dumb time to do it but the fact remains I did it.
Since then we have had contact via phone, email, and even face to face. We miss each other terribly, but are still apart. The other day she said she would have a child/children just to have me back and I almost jumped at the chance. I miss her so much I haven’t had a good night sleep since it happened (a bout a month ago). But I told myself, that she would have to want a child regardless of who she was with, to have me. she knows this and its tarring us both up inside. The reason I need her to want a child for herself is god forbid something happens to the child or it has some medical problem etc… will she look past that or hold it against the child (and to a lesser extent me)?
I am not sure what to do. Should I hold out hope? should I try to just move on? should I just… I don’t know any more. If anyone has words about this I would like to hear them as you don’t know me from a hole in then the ground, and therefore won’t be looking at this through a pair of eyes that are involved in some way, such as family, friends, or myself. thanks in advance for any and all comments
Letting go to know the truth is not so hard to do. We have to do our best to let go the person we loved so much and accept the truth that they’re not really meant to be for each other.
what a cool website! thank you for your help
I am 28 years old. Ive been looking for “the one” for a while now, because I feel like I want to have a settled, warm, serious relationship. I want to share my life with someone, away are the days where I just wanted to fool around and have experiences. I am at the age, where for some reason I just smile when I see a baby, or a mother hugging her kids. I feel like im no longer a youngster.. I am actually becoming a man.
And so I kept looking for her.
And when I found her, I couldnt stand my feet, she was beautiful, the prettiest girl my eyes have seen. So I did everything I could to get her to be with me.
She had a troubled relationship and so I practically woo her off her feet and after 8 months of persistently trying to get her, she finally accepted.
We were on a beautiful relationship. She was perfect and I got so excited because I had the girl I always wanted to have. She was polite and pretty and funny and we had so many things in common. Oh man, the sex was wonderful.
But then, little by little I started to notice she didnt reciprocate as she used to. She started changing and getting angry at me often and we would have fights for stupid reasons. At first, She used to come to my place to watch a movie eat popcorn and hug each other and then the mere thought of coming to my place was a boring thing for her. She was getting tired of me?
I wouldnt accept it. And I kept trying and trying to have her happy with me, to have a beautiful nurturing relationship… but I couldn’t. I failed.
She left me 6 months later.
Its been almost 6 months since the breakup and I just cant forget her. I know, right “oh please you were with her for 6 months you are ridiculous!” <- Allow me to tell you that I understand. I know its ridiculous, I shouldnt feel like this for a girl I dated for mere 6 months.
But I cant. My heart hurts every morning, the next second I wake up it is a thought of her and therefore… pain. I cant forget her. I miss her.
But what hurts me the most isnt having broken up with her, but the fact that I failed. The fact that I tried everything in my power to have her happy and well and interested in me and I failed. That hurts more than anything.
Also, I know its ridiculous, but I feel old and tired. I feel like im too tired for a new relationship. Im tired of those stupid rules. Im tired, my chest cannot take anything else right now.
I am having the symptoms of someone who lost hes 20-year relationship wife over someone who was just with me for 6 months. I feel ridiculous, laughable and embarrased about it, but there isnt much i can do. Its true. Im just a kid with a broken heart.
This website is helping me a lot. Reading about what other people are feeling is refreshing. Maybe we can help each other. Believe me when I tell you I know what you are feeling. I send you a hug through the webs. Love!
j.
Oh M, Please dont feel silly for feeling this intensity for a girl who you were with for 6 months. The time is irrelevent. People who have been with their partner for years have no greater claim on heartache than you. You loved her, end of. You still do. You invested your love and your time and committment to this relationship and it ended. Does your heart care it lasted six months or 6 years? No your heart is empty and in pain because you have experienced loss.
I was with my boyfriend for five months and havent seen him for two weeks. Everyday I ache to see him, I awake thinking of him and long to be in his arms. It seems as if Im in prison and have the right to speak to me partner taken away from me. It should be a human right to be with the one we love. When we lose that we feel pain so raw and deep its as if theres aknife inside where there used to be happiness. Why do you think you failed? You didnt fail. She just chose another path and didnt choose to travel down it with you. I guarantee that someone as wonderful as you will find love again and pretty soon.
The way you described her and your heartfelt emotions make you a very special open man.
I know that the pain is too much to comprehend and you think you cant love again.
You can and you will. The pain in your chest is your heart healing. Ive been there three times and I swear I thought I was dying with the pain. Im 46 and have been through a divorce after 15 years of marriage and then the end of a five year relationship. This latest one I thought was the last one. I thought this is it!!! Im going to be happy again. He did all the chasing, all the work and he did the leaving.
It feels as if the pain is neverending and life is drab and meaningless. I have no interest in anything right now but I know it will change. Ive been here before. You are not a kid. Yiu are a grown loving man who has learned one of lifes hardest lessons, heartache. Kids dont fall in love, adults do. The symptoms you describe are normal for anyone in your situation. Regardless of the longevity of their relationship. I wish you love and peace.
I wish I could hug every person that’s ever been hurt and I wish I could make the pain go away.
And I love you…and everything is going to be okay.
I’m holding your hand, I’m kissing your cheek…I just know we’ll come out of this rain.
Don’t lose hope
Ness
Hi,
Well i have been on the internet trying to find answers and solution to my broken heart. I have been trying to find something to sooth my heart.
I have just broken up with my boyfriend of three and half years. I met him when he was still in his second year of dentistry. Two years before I met him my first love had passed away. Meeting my boyfriend was refreshing, he was loving, understanding everything that I wanted in a man.
Because he was studying full time, I could only see him on weekends. It was not easy but I persevered knowing that all will be well. I loved and supported him throughout his studies. He completed his studies 6 months ago and suddenly I am no longer good enough for him.
The pain is killing me, all the plans we made, all the promises. I have sleepless nights, always waking up in the middle of the night thinking about him.
I try hard not to contact but I just do not understand how someone could just stop loving their partner over night. I look strong, I hold my head up high when i’m with friends and family but inside i’m devastated. I ask myself what to do to get over him.
I am 29 this year, with no kids. All the plans I had were with him. I not feel like I have lost a boyfriend, but I have lost a dream that I have had three and half years ago.
I find myself wondering why did I not leave sooner.
It’s refreshing to be able to chat to people who understand what I am going through.
My message to everyone is that the pain will fade, and one day we will look back and smile knowing we made it.
Regards
Ntombi
Nice words Ness. They make me feel better in this moments of pain. I’m just trying of not to think about her and get distracted with chores and reading but it does not work. I wish time could move a little bit faster.
This is the first time ever I’m expressing my feelings on public. Guess I hit rock bottom!! I’m in my forties now and it’s not the first time it happened, I know time heals, it’s just that this time hurts more.
Bloom-
I know exactly how you feel!!! I am a single woman who was feeling lonely in my life. Everyone had their career going and had someone special in their life. A person I knew, who ran in the same crowd as me, who I had never really “seen” before this point had begun to casually flirt and text me which I thought was innocent at first and would’ve never thought to cross the line because he was married. I told him I wasn’t interested in starting a relationship because I was not the type to break up a happy home. Apparently, the home was already broken and the more time we talked and spent together, the easier it became to fall for each other. After falling quickly and only seeing each other for a short period of time we had tried multiple times to stop seeing each other, but couldn’t stay away and every time came back together more in love then before. He had said he was not going to leave his wife, even though they don’t have kids and were extremely unhappy. He had hope that she would change and be the woman he married. But people change, especially when they marry young like they did. Eventually I said, you need some time and space from me to figure out what will truly make you happy. I held up my end of the bargin, but he couldn’t stay away. Even though his wife was trying again, he said it wasn’t enough and that he couldn’t live without me and that he had finally accepted that fact that his marriage was over and that he was leaving her. I was scared that after a fight, he had made a rash decision, but I was still hopeful that we were going to be together. After a week of him being away, (from both me and his wife) he returned to tell me that he couldn’t keep doing this. It was eating him alive to keep hurting me, and even though he was “leaving” his wife- he didn’t know how long it would take and it was something that he had to do on his own. He didn’t want to use me as a crutch anymore. I’ve been saying this the entirety of our relationship together, but now that it’s happening I feel completely lost and helpless. Now I am the one who can’t stay away.(even thought I have not been contacting him) I’m baffled by the fact that he professed his love to me, but then a week later he told me he couldn’t see me anymore. My heart is broken into pieces. I’ve never had anxiety before this or not been able to eat and I know it’s not heathy. I don’t know if he is leaving her or not because we have not had any contact with each other. He said when it was all done and the papers were signed that we could see if the feelings were still there for each other…but I don’t know what to do in the mean time. I can’t make the feelings go away and I can’t stop thinking about it. My heart says hold on to hope, but my head says move on, there are too many red flags and you have too much self-respect to wait around for someone and be second best. I hate feeling like this! :-X
Never chase love. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it’s not worth having.
I failed multiple times in relationship, but i picked myself up each time after numerous sleepless nights and hours of heartache. I feel the pain inside everyone because i know how it feels.
I fell for a married woman few years ago. I decided to end it (when i found out) but she claimed her husband was cheating on her and she was waiting for a divorce. She wanted to do it without her mother’s knowledge due to her health issue. And I , unfortunately , believed her. She lied to me again and again. And every time we argued about it, she made me feel like i was a jealous person. It took me alot of courage to get over her. I lost my confidence, i lost my dignity, i lost my self-esteem and i lost myself. I couldnt describe how painful it was. At one point, i was sitting on the kitchen floor with a knife on my chest. I refused to tell anyone about this because i do not want to be labeled as ‘depressed’ or ‘suicidal’ . I struggled but i pulled through.
Few years later, i met SS. She is my Princess Mary. We met at a work drink. She is few years older than me and from a different cultural background. We worked ourselves through all the differences. We talked about things and laughed till we drop. And yes, just like everyone, she just changed. She wants to see less of me, she wants to have her own time, she said i shouldnt plan things on her day off, and every single thing i do , it just pissed her off. I backed off and i barely see her once a week. Everything i did to save this relationship seemed to make it worse because she said i was expecting too much. I packed my stuff and left. I still care for her well being and i still see the very best in her every time we meet up. It had been a year now, and i still care for her. But , sad to say, she is not the SS i met 2 years ago. She will laugh and talk to others but she will totally ignore me. She will not even smile at me. And worse still, she said i am the cause for all these and i am to be blame for the failure of this relationship/friendship.
I know i am not a perfect human being, but i dont think i deserve that. I commit myself and love her with all my heart and soul. I never lied to her, i never cheated on her and i never turned my back on her. I said no bad things ever to my friend about her and i was always on her side.
To all reader, trust me, you are not alone. Just remember , what doesnt kill you will make you stronger
Well You really helped me this is a really good website and I couldnt stop reading this because it really helps ! Thank You For The Advice
Thank you everyone for sharing your soul. I have been really down and alone with my feelings of hurt and despair. I felt so empty, until I read a few of your post. Susan I especially want to thank you! There were many that touched so many different parts of my soul, but your post really spoke to me tonight. I will try to make it through another night. I have been going through a divorce that has been going on for over five years. I have no choice to see this through to the end, because of the history of violence and bizzare behavior. I get very nervous and scared that I will never have my freedom back again. I am trying to live in hiding.
I was involved with a man for a year off and on as a friend…..he was someone I knew from the past.
When I really became available he said he didnt want to ever speak to me again. He said I had lied to him. …..
Now I am really think that the next person I go out with, someone else needs to pick them out for me. Because that was a heart break. I helped him recover from surgery. I was moving and then when it was time to fulfill all of things we had talked about doing. He was gone.
Thank you all for sharing, I really do feel like a failure. I get up every morining and wonder what could I have done different.
The answer, been more sensitive for the warning signs, not given so much of myself, and been proactive when I thought they were having a bad day, week….
Many blessing to all
Teresa
Lye,
Thank you for sharing so much….I am silently pulling myself through some terrible thoughts. You helped me so much.
many blessings,
t
SIMON: You sound like a wonderful man with a deep love for your daughter. If there is absolutely no future with the mother of your child – and think deeply about this one. Please save yourself some heartache by making sure your new girlfriend eventually loves your daughter as much as she loves you. This is the type of love where she would risk losing her own life to save your daughters` if the situation arose. Maybe she already has a daughter around the same age which would also make your daughter very happy and also enrich both your lives. Hugs to you Simon from
Adrianne in Australia!
One thing that I have learned is that I have more time to get to know what I want and what I expect out of life. If I have a significant other great.. if not so be it. I know that I will be true to myself and I do not have to be anything other than that.
My second marriage is coming to an end. Needless to say, I feel like a failure. We lasted only three and a half years. When things were good, they were great. When things weren’t good, they were horrible. We had what I thought were normal issues – our individual struggles caused by childhood wounds, struggles with our ex-spouses, our parents, our kids. I didn’t think that they were anything insurmountable. I learned, early in the relationship, that she struggled with depression. I though that she had it under control, but soon after we moved in together, she would have episodes. She tried different medication, different self-help procedures and literature, different therapists – but could not seem to find anything that allowed her to find peace within herself. She was diagnosed with anxiety and ADD – so more pills. She would often look to me and ask why I couldn’t ‘fill’ her. What was wrong with me that I could not make her happy. When I told her that I was not responsible for her happiness, she would get upset and cry. The real breaking point in our relationship came two years ago, when I acknowledged the fact that I had a sex addiction. My acting out on the internet was discover by my wife and sent her into a spiral. I took the necessary steps in going to therapy and working on healing myself. I have been in recovery for over a year now, but my wife still claims that I have broken her and that it is my responsibility to fix her. I have tried to explain to her that I can only be responsible for me and show her how sorry I am and how much I love her – but this was never enough. She wanted me to find her a therapist, accept her constant attacks against my character and claimed that I deserved to be hurt. A few months ago, we started seeing a specialist. His approach seemed very promising and we were on the road to recovery… or so I thought. About a month ago, my wife went to see her PCP. She explained that she was struggling with her emotions. He told her that her depression has been in remission and that the recent trauma that she suffered due to the discovery of my sex addition, had ‘forced her depression out of remission’ He then prescribed to her a new drug – Abilify. Three days later, my wife told me that she was done. She had a new found sense of independence and wanted to move out. Later that week, she removed her wedding ring and told me that she had signed a year contract for a two bedroom apartment for her 14 year old daughter, 12 year old son and herself. Her son sleeping in the living room with a shower curtain as his means of privacy. I do not know who she is anymore. I have always suspected that she was never properly diagnosed – that she should be looked at for Bi Polar disorder. She even mentioned to me that she felt that was what she had – but as soon as I agreed and told her that I had discussed the matter with my therapist – she got defensive and dismissed the thought. She would later accuse me of trying to label her as crazy.
It’s been a month since our separation and we are moving quickly towards divorce. I’m struggling. I’m stuck in the house that we shared for five years. I’m surrounded by memories. Every crack, smudge, stain, long brown hair that I come across sends me into a spiral. What hurts the most is that even though I have told her that I need my space – she continues to reach out to me for stupid things like a random book, some plastic storage bins or a few wine glasses. I read into these things as her reaching out to me. But in reality, I know that her mind is now so hyper-focused on the absolute Right Now – that these random items are seen as critical necessities.
I’m torn. It seems like I’m on an island and it’s on fire and I have to get off. I’m scared to jump into the water because I do not want to swim alone and I do not know where to swim to. What’s worse is that every time I get 10 yards out, I hear her call me back. I know that I need to enforce the ‘No Contact’ rule by any means necessary – no matter how draconian they may be. I know that I can not control her feelings or actions. It just hurts so much to know that we had so much potential and that a few unfortunate decisions forced me to the place I am right now. I know that time heals all wounds and that I have to continue down the path that is before me, no matter how scary it may appear. I just want that little caption to appear across the movie screen of my life that says “Two Years Later…” It just sucks to know that I have to live ever second of those two years healing from the pain. I’m trying hard not to continue to deposit quarters into my own ass-kicking machine – but I can’t seem to break the cycle.
Thank GOD for this website. It as helped me so much to know that every destructive, debilitating emotion pulling me apart right now has been felt by so many other people. That what I feel is normal. And you have all pulled through somehow. After falling in love, against all my better judgment, I found out he had cheated on me, but worse, lied to me whilst looking in me in the eye and swearing innocence. Worse still, he has been awful to me since I found out, saying horribly hurtful and spiteful things which has made me realize he never loved me at all, and has no respect for me. Even though my head says “you’re better off without him” my heart is missing him so much, every day. He thinks I hate him, but nothing could be further from the truth.
So to everyone else writing on this blog – I feel your pain and so do millions of others. We will get through this.
I wish I could somehow help you all and provide some comfort during such a desolate time.
xox
I am still trying to put my broken heart back together after the love of my life left me just about 7 weeks ago. We were together for 6 years and engaged for 4 of them. I actually just bought my first house in Jan 2011 and we moved in together. Now I am alone. Everyone keeps saying “you need time” and honestly, i feel just as devestated today as I did the day he left. I really dont’ see how or when I will get over this and stop crying. I feel so depressed and I keep trying to put it from my mind and I just can’t seem to. i feel like I worked so hard for the past 6 yrs to get us where were were. Finally in our own place and happy. But it all came crashing down around me because i was so consumed with the house and being busy, i overlooked his needs and he felt like I didnt care anymore. I put everything else first, but him. I now have such regret and guilt. If I had only done something different this wouldn’t have happened
I met my husband 27 years ago. we were to be married 24 years this coming month. I am 45 and have 4 beautiful children and a new grandson. I was blindsided by my husbands affair, literally, a woman from work. company funded, many working nights but like a fool I believed and trusted him. I found out becuase my teenage son went looking for his dad with a pal and they both saw him in the backseat doing “it”. no one told me, mom, but he call his sister who lives in new york and his brother in oregon and they were waiting days before my older daughter told me the truth. pain and hurt went on through the holidays, very awkward time. then he started confiding in me again we were trying our relationship out and telling me she is gone and it was just day to things we would finaly talk about. well last night, it changed, my daughter called me from new york city-I live in hawaii. told me to sit down because daddy was with this b$%&%& apparently a few nights back. ( i was in bed watching videos with , younger kids) he apparently had a company function and had too much alcohol but somewhere along the way his former assistant was partying with them. He stayed at a company condo with her or after he went, drunk as a skunk to his parents home (why we have no idea)so he went to company sponsored condo. he did not arrive at home to take my teenage soon to a football carwash stupid. my sister in law was ready to kill the crap out of her. he left in her car with another woman. he never made it home. He complains everyone is lying (mom,dad,sister,brother in law, my daughter too). How do I hang my head high? How can I start breathing again. twenty seven years is too long, why the betrayl? how do i tell the kids? How heartbreakin is this when your son and your daughter say divorce him, once a cheater always a cheater. it makes me so unbeliebalby sad that they would ever think of that about their dad. How do i do on…I have two smaller kids and not sure how to say anything to him. If i knew something was going on it wouldn’t hurt so but being blindsided is truly uncompreensable and a truly cowardly thing to do.
I had what I thought was a relationship with my married boss, I am also married. He left his wife 2 1/2 years into our relationship. I helped him choose his new house, what changes were needed etc to turn it into a home. I was his confident and friend. I encouraged him to get to know his local pub and join the community which he duly did. We went on holiday and had holidays – long weekends and had some planned for this year. We celebrated his 50th birthday in style as I wanted to treat him and make his day extra special, two days later he met someone elsein a pub and has now dumped me for her. He dumped me by saying he was afraid his wife and children would find out about us! He needed his space and wanted to have the single life! He went away for a boys week prior to breaking up with me. He broke up with me on his return. I subsequently found out 3 weeks after that he had someone new and is totally smittened by her. He neither calls nor texts me any longer. I have tried but I cannot cope with seeing him every day but I cant afford to leave. Throughout the boys holiday he was texting and calling the new woman in his life, I received no calls and a few texts. He lied to me for three weeks, saying he just needed space and that we had not been getting on. I had also bought a house and was planning to move into it. He also said this made him realise that he didnt want a future with me. He wants me to be friends! I am struggling as I gave him my all. I know affairs are wrong, I did not choose to fall in love with him. I cannot understand how he can just cut me off and move into a new relationship within 2 days of celebrating his birthday. I am devastated, I contemplated ending it all but thought of my children, how unfair that would be to them as I love them so much. I cannot get him out my head, he is in there and I constantly think of him with his new woman and how perfect his life is whilst mine has fallen apart.
I love your take on this topic in this article. You are right, age and expectations play a big role in how we accept and deal with our heart being broken. It was so much easier to heal when I was younger. Now, as I venture into older years, it would become more and more difficult to deal with.
I love how you address the Hope to each problem, thought, and feeling we would have as we enter the different times in our lives. I see more and more people pass into middle age who feel like it’s their time to move on. Of course they go through the emotions of fear you mentioned, but it is great to know that there is hope for each situation.
Fear of the unknown is often the worst part. I appreciate your insight and ability to give hope to those who are going through this very difficult time in their lives.
Im currently going through heartache after my boyfriend of 10 years left me for another woman but heres a few things that helped me in the 1st month when quite simply i felt dire:
Walk – Yep you dont want to leave the house at all especially looking a crying state but fix up and make yourself, for me it meant I was outside so couldnt be crying, was getting some fresh air and was just doing something to relax my mind a little.
Exercise – again you feel like c**p who could be bothered, I made myself especially at my lowest point do really vigorous work outs, it really made me get out alot of anger and it was a distraction from all my thoughts for short while.
Spoil yourself – buy yourself some nice things, I didnt want to go out the house so did it all online was like getting loads of presents (dont go too crazy though ;P) also things like haircut, get your nails done just be good to yourself basically.
Dont rush to find another man, I went on a dating website a month after the split, I wasn’t ready at all but ended up leading on some guy just because I was craving attention from anyone, and I ended up upsetting him when I realized what the hell am I doing, I now know there is no point in even trying to get with someone else until im back in control of my life, but saying that do flirt and do allow yourself to fancy people again as it does give you a glimmer of hope.
Anyways Im still going through my drama as most of you are but good luck and be strong x
I am SO grateful for this website! It is really powerful to hear similar stories and know that my own pain isn’t abnormal, and that there are people out there who are or who have gone through the same thing. My own boyfriend of over a year just broke up with me yesterday, by text message, on our anniversary, and right after my birthday and right before I have to move back to college. He wouldn’t see me, no discussion face to face, no hug goodbye, nothing, after I gave him more than a year of my life. I understand why we broke up, I know where I went wrong, and I admit my mistakes and accept my part in the situation. But I do not believe I deserved such cold treatment, after all, no matter what, I loved him.
Our relationship began very quickly after he ended another very long term relationship, because I was his shoulder to cry on and I was there for him. He wanted us to be more than friends, and even though all the signs screamed “DON’T DO IT, YOU’LL BE A REBOUND!”, I fell for him, because he swept me off my feet, and NO ONE had ever done anything like that before. He was my very first love, and the feeling of love for the first time blinded me, even though I thought I was smarter than that. I never thought I’d fall for something like that, but the heart is a powerful, consuming thing. I now recognize that what he felt was infatuation with me, and after a few months, the infatuation wore off, and he didn’t really have any feelings for me anymore, while I, like an idiot, had fallen in actual love. The relationship was rough, both of us made very bad mistakes, and a lot of the time we were fighting. But whenever things were good, and he showed me even the slightest bit of love of affection, all of that didn’t matter. I really felt that though things were bad, we had too much in common and fit together too well for us not to work it out. But I was the only one who wanted to try. And after a month of trying my absolute best to be the perfect girlfriend, and atone for my own mistakes, it was like trying to love a brick wall. Nothing phased him, I got no thanks for my efforts, he didn’t notice them, but he would certainly point out any slight mistakes I made, or bring up past mistakes and shove them in my face.
By the end, he only saw the bad in me, and I swear he doesn’t remember a single good thing I’ve done or said. He could remember all the details of minor disagreements, but when I asked him if he remembered a single word of a love letter I had written him, he literally drew a blank. And at the end, after all of that, I think I’m beginning to realize that I really do deserve someone who can notice and TRULY appreciate the good things about me, and love me with all my faults. And not break up like a jerk in the most impersonal and inconsiderate way possible. He wants to stay friends, but you know what? I have enough friends, and even friends don’t treat friends that way. I’m still here, still breathing, and hoping that this pain gets better. And someday, who knows, maybe I will find someone who truly loves me, for me. I’ll keep hoping, because right now, that’s all I have.
Thank God! That’s the most uplifting thing I have read so far!!!!Couldn’t agree more – it’s not the loss of the love d one that hurts – it’s a requiem for a dream, in a sense. It’s when, as you say, it doesn’t go with the plan in our heads, and age by which we think we should have the experience plays a huge part in it.
I stumbled upon this site – thankfully.
I never realized how many people are feeling the same way I do.
I married someone I did not love. I felt like if I didnt marry her no one else would want me. In fact I had never been in love with anyone, didnt know what it felt like. I tried to suppress this anxiety, work through it, since my wife had serious health issues, and we ended up having a child with a severe disability.
I hung in there for my kids sake, but eventually tried to distract this emotion by having an affair. She was beautiful, funny, affectionate. Like me she was married. Her hubby was an abusive cheating spouse, she said like me that she was waiting until her kids were out of school before filing for divorce. This was my gameplan too. Eventually over four years, we grew close and realized we loved one another. The problem was due to distance and her work situation she especially in the last year kept cancelling meeting me. At least that was what she was telling me.
Last year I told my wife, that I did not love her, but that I would stay until we figured out what we would do about my son’s eventual living situation (he is 15 and autistic).
Meanwhile while I was trying to figure this out, my affair kept cancelling on meeting me, saying she was busy with work, kids. A couple of months ago she said her feelings had faded a bit. I said that was because we needed to see each other. She agreed. Eventually I found out that she was seeing someone else. When I asked her about this person, she denied that I had anything to worry about, that he was just a friend. So I took her at her word. She still said she was waiting for her kids to finish school then she would divorce.
I should state that she had told me long ago that she did not make enough money to support herself once she divorced. She had told me this after I said I would support her when we moved in together.
Finally this past June we met after two months. Everything seemed fine. Then the next week she told me that she was filing for divorce immediately and that she was not waiting for her youngest to finish school (he has two years left). Then she said that the “friend” she told me I didnt have anything to worry about, was paying for her divorce and invited her to live with him. She also stated what was obvious – she had been sleeping with him for months.
I guess she couldnt wait on me anymore, lied to me, and kept me as a backup in case this fellow didnt come through.
She said she still wants to be friends, but I find myself going from being sickened at the thought of her with this guy, and still having feelings, to anger, depression, and back to still loving her.
I’ve been going to counseling for all this but I realize now that I can’t continue to disrespect my wife – so Im filing for divorce.
I still have the unhealthy habit of texting and calling my affair. A couple of times I stopped, but she keeps texting me back. I’ve gotten her to admit she is settling for the guy she is moving in with because she felt like his offer might be her only chance.
I got mad when I found out that this guy not only asked her to move in but is paying for her divorce! He doesnt know anything about me – I wanted to send him all her emails, texts and pictures of my relationship with her. I wanted to destroy her, but I realized if I did that I was no better than her. And frankly in some sick way I still love her.
I can’t eat, sleep, do anything. Im just existing and probably torturing myself by keepin in contact with her. I need to move on but i dont want to.
Anyway thanks for reading – I’m waiting for all the judgements and condemnation in the comments section.
My first love broke my heart three days ago.
We were carefree and completely compatible, but what he was hiding took a much greater toll on our relationship. He turned out to be a substance abuser. They say love is blind, and now I understand.. His addiction problem was more extreme than I ever would’ve known. I’ve been manipulated, lied to, and put through emotional blackmail. I loved him, and know he loved me back… but I had to realize that he would never get better unless he wanted to.
I know someday I will look back on my experience, and hopefully it will have made me stronger. My only hope is that he gets the help he needs, and recognizes his problem. I knew him well, he had a good heart… just a problem that was eating him away. I just wish we could’ve had more time. Goodbye– Forever.
My girlfriend of 12 years just left me. I came home from work this morning to find a letter on my desk with her engagement ring. It wasn’t a surprise. I had a feeling that letter would be waiting for me when i got home. My heart is filled with sorrow and sadness, and im chain smoking like crazy. ( I had quit for 9 months). ohhhhhh this really sucks . Thanks for letting me rant.
God bless the broken hearted
We were carefree and completely compatible, but what he was hiding took a much greater toll on our relationship. He turned out to be a substance abuser. They say love is blind, and now I understand.. His addiction problem was more extreme than I ever would’ve known. I’ve been manipulated, lied to, and put through emotional blackmail. I loved him, and know he loved me back… but I had to realize that he would never get better unless he wanted to.
I know someday I will look back on my experience, and hopefully it will have made me stronger. My only hope is that he gets the help he needs, and recognizes his problem. I knew him well, he had a good heart… just a problem that was eating him away. I just wish we could’ve had more time. Goodbye– Forever.
He was young i was 7 years older than him but he hid his breakup emotins towards me . im now living a life of blaming my self for being the mistake and taking things too fast, i feel the imperfect one miss him but cant call him what do i do
My 8-yr long term relationship just ended 2 days ago. He broke up with me because he was pressured when I asked when we’ll get married. We have been on and off for the past few months for different reasons and he said that my question about marriage is what made him realize that he’s probably just staying in our relationship because of pity and no longer love. He said he’s not sure if he still loves me. He said he’s sure that there’s still love but he said that he’s not sure anymore if he can still love me the way he loved me before. He doesnt know when it started but he said he doesnt want to be unfair anymore.
I feel torn right now. I do not know how to start my day without him. I feel so bad knowing that he doesnt love me anymore like how he loved me before. I still want to get back with him. There’s still hope in me but at the same time, I do not want to push myself to someone who doesnt want me anymore.
I have mixed emotions. A part of me wants to get back with him. Another wants to let go and move on. I feel emptiness, anger, love, hope, at the same time. I am just so down now.
I lost myself 4 years ago when I met him. My first true love. It was love at first sight. I was warned by my friends and family that he wouldn’t do me any good. We loved eachother so much at first and then things took a turn for the worst. He is disrespectful, obnoxious, embarrassing and rude to be alone and in public. But then he does or says that sweet little something and there I go again, head over heels. My mind always tells me leave right now don’t take this and when I do I’m filled with pain and run back to him. I lost my self-esteem, self-respect and self-worth. We have been on and off since March. Ive dated someone else and hes currently seeing someone- who has no idea of our situation. He tells me he loves me and he misses me and that he wants to marry me but just not now. Part of me tells to forget about him and lose all contact but then another part of me wants him back so badly. Some days I’m fine and others I can’t function or I cry to myself. I am emotionally tired.
I am a 28 year old woman. I have never had a serious, long term boyfriend until the last year. I find it extremely hard to meet & connect with people, and this breakup has been a blow because I do feel like “I’ll never meet anyone else again”. My track record is being alone, after all. This relationship has been a blip on a life of loneliness. I feel like I have little hope to ever marry, which is what I would like.
My boyfriend of 9 months just broke up with me because I called him out on a thoughtless action of his & I’ve been less quiet over his resistance to looking for work (he’s unemployed for 4 years, living off his parents, & will not look for work). I’ve been extremely patient about his job situation, but his increasingly apparent lack of seriousness over it told me he was serious about me. If our relationship was to move forward, he’d have to get a job.
Apparently, I am not allowed to call him on his BS though. I did it once before & he basically “threatened” to break up with me. I’ve noticed he does this to get his way with people – threatens to bail to make them cater to him. He also plays victim a lot; I can’t recall him ever taking responsibility for any problem in his life. His divorce was entirely his ex’s fault; being unemployed is his ex-employer’s fault for burning him out; he doesn’t have XYZ because the boogieman is out to get him. So of course, he will also never admit when has done something wrong in the relationship, making excuses & blaming something else, & if you call him on it, then his response is to run away. He wants to be 100% sure about someone, for them to support him no matter what, and to never argue; I told him this doesn’t exist. If it works out with the next woman he is with it will be because she is a doormat and/or they marry before they get to a stage where they have disagreements on occasion.
I can see how behaviors of his contributed to the failure of his marriage, behaviors he won’t acknowledge, and so I suppose I may be dodging a bullet, but right now it just feels like I lost something important, something that had a lot of potential to be positive. And I feel like I may never find something else to replace it.
I am so hurt I have been with my partner for 6 years the relationship started out wonderfully. He is 15 years my senior. I always wondered why his wife had divorced him. He has cheated on me in two seperate affairs. He has met someone new who is 30 years younger than him. He is 60 she is 29. Recently he has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. I have been so supportive of him. He has surgery in a couple of weeks. I am so devastated to know that he is once again planning to cheat on me in his condition. Somebody have a talk with cupid for me. I have been totally faithful to this man. I have had numerous opportunities to cheat on him but I just can’t!!!!!
to Jim- no condemnation- love comes at all times and from the most unexpected places. It seems on here that so many people who are married are unhappy- staying for their children or for financial reasons….this happened to me…my love was separated when we met- the next week he and his wife decided he needed to be at home to help with their college age sons- who of course he would die for. we saw each other for two years- he telling me I was his soulmate, that he wanted to marry me, that his wife had never taken care of him sexually and was very cold emotionally too…he said and did all the right things. thee weeks ago (can it be that long ago- it feels like yesterday) he became ill- went into the hospital- and totally tuned me out of his life. he sent me a “i care about you as a person- but please stop sending me emails that refer to what we did in bed” type of email. i reminded him he told me daily- he loved me- i was his forever and he was mine forever- and now—it’s all for nothing. i wrestle just like you with whether or not to be in touch with this man, but he ignores my texts- and only every now and then does he reply to an email- then it is only a perfunctory answer anyway- which hurts even more considering we shared much when we were seeing each other. but Jinm- it seems like this woman is just using YOU as back up— it’s not gonna get better with her. i think all of us need to face the fact that hurts the most- we are not wanted- and need to move on. sometimes i think saying it as ugly as it is will be the only way my heart will move away from him. but i hurt so bad i cant stand it- i cry for him everyday. i miss his smell and his laugh and his kiss. but i mean nothing to him. thats why im on this site—trying to see a light somewhere at the end of this godforsaken tunnel. i hope we all can get to that point. cause it hurts really really bad right where we are.
I divorced my ex husband after years of misery. I felt fear, but also a chance, in my mid 30′s, to be lucky enough to start again with my 2 lovely children. I met a wonderful man who showed me excitement, sponteneity, adventure…all the things that were missing in my life. We met each others children, families and friends, and would talk for hours to each other…I felt like I was falling in love for the very first time with a partner. After 20 months he suddenly turned round and said ‘I can’t do long term’ via text….and that was that. He has since texted me a couple of times to say ‘sorry for how I treated you’ and to say ‘sorry’ to my children, but usually when he has had a drink. I put so much effort, time and love in to this relationship, and literally feel as though my heart has been broken for the first time. After 4 months, he is still in my thoughts. Last night my friend, who is on a dating website, called to say ‘I have just seen your ex on the dating website!’. Can’t do long-term? Or can’t do long-term with me?
I apologize in advance this is me venting. I’m 23 years old, an undergrad with a biology major, conservative, nice, affectionate, loyal person. I was single for 3 years in order to focus on me. My heart break is very recent, broke up with him 3 days ago.
I truly hope this website helps me heal. Even though I was dating my ex for 5 months I truly fell in love with him. He always put a smile on my face, called me at night, text me through out the day, if he was working near by he would come over to see me, we had such strong chemistry whenever we were together. He left to Wisconsin for a month for army duty and during that time he did whatever possible to contact me. We would send each other pictures every single day. He told me that he wanted to be in a serious relationship with me and that he would not hurt me, that he puts me on a pedestal and that I could put my heart on the platter he won’t hurt me.
Okay so then he comes back from army duty and we decided to make it serious. EVERYTHING CHANGED. He stopped with the phone calls at night, he would text me here and there through out the day, when he had free time he wouldn’t ask to see me, anytime we actually did hang out was when there was a reason to, i noticed he cared more about his car and motorcycle and hanging out with his friends then he did with me. His excuse was that when he’s stressed out he gets like this that I have to understand that he’s trying to get into the police academy, he has army duty, he goes to school, he’s an EMT now. And yes he is a busy man and NO i was not clingy I left him alone to do what he had to do because I knew he was busy and I gave him all the support I could. BUT I honestly do not think that it was a good enough excuse to stop being sweet to me (the baby i miss you’s or I wish you were here disappeared right away) and to lose as much contact with me as possible. Mind you that he’s “stressed out” but he has time to hang out with his friends at the local bar 3 to 4 times a week but couldn’t give me a simple phone call some time during the day to see how i was doing?? AND oh get this “I’m sorry that your so unhappy in this relationship I been too busy to even think about our relationship, you met me during a time that I was doing good but during the school semesters I’m not like that”. Sorry if you have time for your friends you have time for me. I wasn’t even asking to see him I was just asking for a little attention. Felt really unappreciated so I let him go.
A few of his smart remarks:
1) He actually did call me one night to sleep on the phone with me (which we use to do all the time) I said ok baby I love you goodnight he said ok. I said your not going to say it back? and he goes “I don’t say it all the time because I don’t want it to lose its meaning”??
2) I lost my job so I asked if i could see him he said ok. I went to his place and the minute I sat down he says to me “I’m going out with my boys tonight to a lounge ok”?
3) Didn’t see him for about a week he said he was bored at home but didn’t ask to hang out so I did. I got there and said I didn’t feel good he goes “so why did you come?” instead of comforting me.
4) HA! my favorite one…he wishes we can do stuff together but he just lost his job (which he did) and was low on money BUT goes to the bar every other night and got lazer tattoo removal the other day.
Things I did: I would give him his space, I was ok with him hanging out with his friends it didnt bother me at all, wrote him a love letter that he asked for and never got one back, gave him massages every time we hung out, kissed him gave him affection, tried to put a smile on his face whenever he was upset over anything, supported him told him i was proud of everything he did, whenever i was going to go out i would invite him, helped him study for his exams, the list goes on….all in all i kept my promise, he didn’t.
I was engaged to a Marine who was stationed in AF for two years (2009- 11) He gave me a 3 karat diamond ring as a promise of marriage. I was always faithful, loyal and honest to this man. I used to cry and pray every single day for two years, always waiting and dreaming of the day he would come home safe ….until…..one awful day….I found out that the engagement ring that he had given me was a fake diamond ring…not even worth $10 dollars. I would have waited for my Marine even without a ring..that is how much I loved him. My world came crashing down as I knew then that the whole engagement proposal was just a fake to keep me around while he was in AF! And that is not ALL….a few weeks later he came home and NO, he did not come home looking for me as he had promised…instead I found out that he had been cheating on me with another woman….a radio female dj in LA…I was completely devastated! I lost 12 pounds in 3 weeks, I was sad all the time, no energy to do absolutely anything. It’s been 2 months after the break up and I still remember how he used to tell me that I was the love of his life and that he had finally found his wife.
My family and friends were able to pulled me out of my sadness and now little by little I am going back to normal. I am not going to lie there are still days when I think about his betrayal and it hurts…..not as much but it still hurts!
I lost a woman I wanted to marry after three years and change together. No engagement though. The breakup to me was unadult and unbecomeing of how much respect and value I placed on our relationship. I felt like the way i was dumped was ridiculous couldn’t be happening, but it did. The way it went down is the toughest part to let go of, it just didn’t make sense that I was so blind. Right after a lovers weekend in Italy. We didnt communicate effectivley despite my heart loving every bit of hers. I lost her because of this, an inablility to effectively show my love. Her misperception of my feelings ensued and I lost her because I was afraid of rejection in our relationship. I lost her because i didn’t give myself completely to her. I lost her, but I learned so much from her because she is an amazing woman. I learned what I need to do to get it right for a truly balenced relationship, essentially be myself more and understand more about my weaknesses as well as my strong points. Im 35 and scared. No kids not that I don’t want them… Living an amazing lifestyle in Europe. I had a vision of us returning to go for it in the states pursueing a life of wonder together, forever bonded in knowing what is just over the hill if one is willing to look. Now I am floating on the rim of what seems an alternate reality with no grounding whatsoever. This time in Europe the greatest adventure of my life, 6 years in all together, three with her, the happiest ones, continues to fly by. It hurts me so badly to think my love is not good enough. But, I do know I deserve a relationship where my partner is not keeping score of all my faults and instead cherishing my strengths. Its been 5 months. I’ve been with two women since. It doesn’t feel perfect but it feels ok. I never cheated on her (loyalty is one of my strengths) but now sometimes I feel as though I am. It is not hard for me to meet women and the woman I am seeing now is pretty awesome and I told her where I’m at, but I am afraid I will be gunshy if she is or if I meet the right person. I wanted children. I wanted my ex next to me everyday, she was home. I worry I don’t have enough money, but I have had experiences to fill a lifetime already. I can only hope to heal completely. But, I dont want to miss an opportunity if its the right one by forceing alone time. Man do I miss her… I still feel like I would want to be with her if she could love me for me and a long slow change toward understanding eachother a little better all the time. But that is what I want. I couldn’t give her the colors she was looking for, because I thought I was showing mine pretty well. ugh… sick of crying nearly every day. Good luck everyone.
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